Chapter 11: Visit
Disclaimer: SMeyer owns "Twilight." Elysabeth owns "Les Yeux de la Lune."
T/N: That last chapter is particularly lovely, isn't it? It was a big reason I wanted to translate this story. Thanks to all who reviewed, especially those of you who came back after FF failed.
Chapter 11: Visit
When I returned to the house, I was greeted by the mental congratulations of my parents and Alice. They were proud of me. I had managed to spend an entire day with Bella without problems – or nearly so. Still, I was so on edge that their encouraging words had little effect on me.
Jasper and his guests were in the living room. I didn't go in, knowing that Bella's scent was still fresh on me. Instead, I gave them a tense smile from a distance. I was unable to play the polite host. Knowing that Charlotte and Peter were in the same town as Bella didn't please me at all. A brief survey of their minds showed me that they weren't thirsty, but the facts were the facts: nonvegetarians were in Forks, in this town where there was a human with an intoxicating fragrance.
Peter appeared unaffected by my unfriendliness, though my behavior intrigued him. Charlotte didn't understand my sudden antipathy. She was more volatile than her mate and had it not been for Jasper the tension would have quickly spiraled in the room. He calmed us all, but shot daggers at me.
"You'd better get out of here before Charlotte erupts."
He didn't have to say it twice.
As I went up the stairs, my brother asked, "May I explain to them the reason for your hostility?"
Tell them that I was attached to a human and that I feared they would attack her?
Hmmm. If that could prevent them from giving chase in case they ran across the trail of her scent….
"Yeah," I muttered from the hallway, knowing Jasper could hear me.
I stopped my ascent of the next set of stairs, hit by remorse. Dammit, Jasper had the right to have nonvegetarian friends. He didn't need to endure my bad mood.
"Thanks for what you did tonight," I added, more calmly. I certainly owed him. Because of him, Bella had been thrilled and delighted.
Jasper didn't respond, but my words prompted a memory in his mind, Bella's voice on the telephone: "Thanks so much." He was still moved by her gratitude.
I had a shower and threw out my clothes to make all traces of Bella's scent disappear. As long as Charlotte and Peter were around, I had to take every precaution.
I planned to spend the days ahead dogging Bella's sneakered heels until Peter and Charlotte left the Olympic Peninsula. It was out of the question to leave her without surveillance.
Before I could go, Emmett intercepted me and clapped me hard on the back.
"There you are, little brother! I hope you're pleased with yourself: we all lost our bets!"
That was his gruff way of congratulating me for resisting my baser instincts, but I wasn't in the mood to answer him. Emmett sighed, seeing that I was too tense to play along.
"You are such a pain. That girl has you wrapped around her little finger."
He left me in exasperation. I was aware that I was being unbearable, so I took off immediately. I didn't want to get on my family's nerves. They shouldn't suffer because of my paranoia.
I headed to the garage to get my Volvo. Alice was waiting for me there, seated on the hood.
"I'm afraid that a little meteorological issue is going to upend your plans," she told me.
I saw in her visions what she was alluding to.
The sun! The next three days would be sunny. I couldn't even go to school. I raised my eyes to the window to see sunbeams pierce the tops of the trees in the forest around our house.
Another of Alice's visions then appeared. Damn it to hell! The Red Cross was having a blood drive in town and Banner had been inspired by that to conduct a blood-typing exercise. Even if I could avoid the sun, I couldn't be in class with Bella.
"Thank you, Alice."
She left the garage, disconsolate.
That didn't stop from watching over Bella from afar - even though with clear skies Peter and Charlotte wouldn't be out in public. They stayed far enough from Bella's house so that even if they suddenly got it into their heads to defy me and pursue her, nothing could happen. As for me, I was so paranoid that I still went to her house, by foot, under the cover of the trees.
Once there, I was surprised to hear a mind emanating from inside. Charles wasn't supposed to be back before evening. I concentrated and quickly realized that it wasn't Charlie, but Angela Weber.
Bella and her friend had met to finish up their ultrasound machine. Tyler Crowley, who felt that he hadn't sufficiently made up for having nearly killed Bella, was planning to "help" them again this week at school. Bella and Angela had therefore decided to meet without his knowing it so they could finish the machine without catastrophe.
Too bad. I was going to have to stay away. I had hoped to find a pretext for spending the day with Bella, in her house, out of the sun. Today would have been the only day that I could be near her other than in secret, but Angela's presence – and the fact that their machine tormented my eardrums – prevented that.
I had to content myself with watching her from the forest. At least I could watch my moon through Angela's mind.
The day passed quietly, and I told myself that I was probably there for nothing. Angela left at the end of the afternoon, just as Charlie returned. I was having the worst of luck. I had thought that Bella would be alone longer before her father came back, enough time so that I could call her and let her know that I wouldn't be at her door tomorrow morning as I had been on all the other school days. If Charlie answered the phone when I called, it would arouse his suspicions: Bella got so few calls, much less from boys, that I was certain that he would try to listen in on our conversation. And I would have to censor myself instead of telling her about the damnable sun. On our drive to Seattle, I had explained to her that the notion that sunshine reduced vampires to ash was merely a myth, but I hadn't told her that we had to avoid it even so. Since Bella couldn't see me, I hadn't really seen the point of revealing that my skin took on the appearance of diamonds.
I had to find another way to warn her. I suddenly had an idea. I took advantage of the fact that Bella and her father were discussing their weekend in the living room to jump up to her window and slip silently into her bedroom. I moved too quickly for any neighbor to see. I found Bella's specialized computer, opened it, cursed its slowness, found the writing program and typed out a message. I printed it and left it on her bed, knowing that her fingers would encounter it when she drew down her covers at bedtime. Charlie didn't know Braille, so if he ran across the note by accident, I wouldn't be compromised.
I left, pleased with my plan, though still anxious. I hoped that Bella wouldn't be offended that I had gone into her room without permission. But since I had done it with the goal of warning her, perhaps she would forgive me — especially since she didn't know that I had made visiting her room an almost daily occurrence.
In my letter, I had made a proposal. I didn't want to spend three entire days without speaking to her, so I had told her that I would be at our tree at lunch if she wanted to come see me. And so the next day, under our pine, on the other side of the football /you do mean football, not soccer, yes?/ field, I waited impatiently for the lunch bell to ring. When I saw the tip of her white cane poke out of the exit door of the school, I was overjoyed.
Hidden in the branches, I watched her head cautiously toward me. Today she was wearing dark glasses, and I silently laughed.
Bella walked around the tree uncertainly. Probably worried that a student or teacher was nearby, she called me in a whisper.
"Edward? Are you here?"
I chuckled from my perch and she raised her head.
"So, are you a movie star, with those sunglasses?" I teased her.
"You know Braille?" she answered instead, ignoring my question.
I was stunned. I had expected that she would demand that I justify my sneaking into her room. Not for a second had I thought that her first question would be about my knowledge of Braille.
I dropped to the ground. She jumped back in surprise.
"Hello," I said, smiling, ignoring her question in turn.
She shook her head, taken aback, but smiled at me nonetheless.
"Hello."
She was comical with that contraption on her nose, but it bothered me: I was deprived of her gentle, serene gaze.
"Why that accessory?" I asked.
"The sun."
"So? Sunny or not, that doesn't make any difference to you, does it?"
"To the contrary. I am more sensitive to the sun than other people. It burns my retina."
My smile vanished.
I understood why Bella liked rainy days even though for ordinary humans, "pouring" rhymed with "boring." For her, those were the days that the sunshine didn't bother her.
"How did you endure living in Arizona all those years?"
She pointed to her dark glasses. "By pretending to be a movie star," she said, repeating my teasing words. "Forks is good for both of us, with all its rain, apparently, based on your note. Ironic, isn't it? So," she went on, mischievously, "apart from sneaking into my room, you had a good Sunday?"
My intrusion didn't seem to bother her. I was relieved.
"It was quiet."
"You didn't hunt down some mountain lions?"
I winced. It was still difficult for me to discuss my nature so openly. My reflex was to filter what I said so I wouldn't frighten the average human … but that was just it: Bella was far, far from being average.
"I wasn't thirsty."
"I wonder what a vampire spends his time doing when he's not hunting."
"All sorts of things," I said vaguely.
For example, a paranoid vampire like me spent his time watching over the least of her movements, but she didn't need to know that. She already suspected that I monitored her like a guardian angel, though not like an obsessed voyeur who even observed her in her sleep.
"Among those things are learning languages … like Braille," I added. I opened Arago's memoirs, which I had brought with me. "Shall we go back to Peru and the Incas?"
"Yes, please!"
Under the pine, I didn't have to worry that someone passing by would see me in the sun. Bella sat down with her lunch, ready to listen. I also sat down, but I changed my usual position. I allowed myself to sit right next to her, shoulder to shoulder. I felt capable of being that close. After our Saturday in the museum, I could permit myself this luxury.
I ignored, as best as I could, the shiver that I always experienced when we touched. She shivered too, but that could only be because of the coldness of my body. I started the chapter. The narrative was sufficiently absorbing that I could forget that two nonvegetarian vampires were in Forks. Our pine, Arago and Bella made me feel as if I was in my own little world.
The hour passed and the chapter ended with Arago returning to the civilized world. His narrative took a turn that bewildered me: Arago had fallen desperately in love with the daughter of a duke, but didn't declare himself, for reasons that seemed silly to me. He made me think of all the adolescents in school who had crushes on someone, but wouldn't say anything for fear of being ridiculed or discovering that their affection was unrequited. Humans were so pathetically melodramatic, especially when you considered that the reasons that kept them from action mostly stemmed from embarrassment. For me, love between humans was easy. Simple. I didn't see what was so intimidating about revealing their feelings, especially when I compared my situation to that of Arago or these adolescents with all their hang-ups.
My own reasons for saying nothing to the woman I loved seemed a lot more dramatic and important. The way I saw it, humans got all worked up over nothing.
"Why does he torture himself like that?" I said in annoyance, stopping my reading. "All he has to do is tell her."
"He's afraid."
"That's silly. It's obvious that she's head over heels for him. All he has to do is say one word and she would fall into his arms. Humans complicate their lives needlessly."
"That's not how he sees it. For him, it's hopeless. She's from a prestigious family. She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. What does he have to offer her, this blind man? He's only a traveler, a vagabond without a title or money. He's only a man of the people. How can he be a match for her when he's so ordinary? So you tell yourself it's better to hide what you want, that it's better to live with unfulfilled hopes than with broken dreams. A dream is beautiful even if you don't try to make it come true. A dream that is crushed becomes disillusionment and regret."
I stared at her, mesmerized by her passion on the subject. "Are we still talking about Arago?" I asked.
I could have sworn that a flash of embarrassment crossed her face, but it disappeared quickly.
"Of course I'm talking about Arago," she said, but her smile seemed forced.
I couldn't question her further, because the bell rang. Neither of us had noticed how rapidly the time had passed.
Bella leapt to her feet. "Oh, no! I'm going to be late!"
She gathered her lunch things hastily while I mentally scanned the emptying hallways of the school. I knew that Bella had English now. Mr. Mason was already calling the roll.
To my great surprise, Bella retracted her cane.
"What are you doing?" I asked. "I can't walk with you in the sun, remember?"
"I know, but my cane slows me down. We're at the other end of the football field and I have to run."
"That's out of the question. You'll hurt yourself. It's no big deal if you're five minutes late."
"You know Mason; he gives hours of detention for being even a little late. So help me, hurry!"
I complied reluctantly. I concentrated for a second, listening mentally for the last students making their way to their classes. Then, I took Bella and turned her in the right direction. I calculated the strides needed for her size and her human pace.
"Run straight ahead. In 46 steps, there will be an empty soda can on the ground; don't trip on it. You'll have 11 more steps after that, then you'll be at the stairs to the entrance. After that, you know the way by heart. There is no one left to get in your way until you get to the hallway to your classroom. The janitor is sweeping; he'll be on your right. Watch out for the fourth locker on the left; some idiot forgot to close it. Go."
And she took off, sure of herself. I knew that she had memorized all the information I gave her, but I couldn't help worry.
"See you tomorrow," she yelled as she ran off.
I watched her arrive before the surprised eyes of the janitor. He knew the little blind Swan and was shocked to see her run with assurance, confidently skirting the protruding locker door. I relaxed only when she stepped into her classroom, right at the moment when Mason got to the S's. She got in just under the wire.
Jeez, all that merely to avoid detention. Bella was too diligent a student.
Too diligent and too secretive.
What had she meant with her rant about Arago?
Eh, perhaps nothing. Bella was a good listener, able to analyze characters' motivations, that was all.
I moved deeper into the forest. I had a few hours before Bella finished her school day and I could tail her home from a distance, out of the sun. It felt almost like the old days when I pretended that she didn't exist even as I followed her like a ghost, inspecting her path. I was impatient for the sun to go hide itself as it usually did here instead of disrupting the routine that Bella and I had created since we had become friends. That routine wasn't enough for the shy lover that I was, but I would have to be content with it.
What would we do when school was out for the summer? Would she still want to spend time with me? Or now that she lived in Forks, would she want to spend her vacations with her mother? That would be a misery for me, for Bella to spend her vacation in Jacksonville. I would follow her, of course, in secret – it would be a torture for me to not speak to her for three months, to see her only through the eyes of the people around her.
I was wandering the forest feeling dismayed when I was suddenly distracted by thoughts a few miles away. I stiffened when I recognized who it was. I stopped still, hoping that they would move away. I knew, however, that it was no coincidence that they were nearby. I knew they were looking for me, but I prayed that they would go on their way instead.
But they were headed straight toward me. A growl shook my whole body.
I was much too close to the school for my tastes, but I couldn't run off. Evading them would be equivalent to a provocation and that would be worse. I had to confront them, which could go horribly wrong. There was no escape.
I took out my cell, and saw that I had no signal. Naturally, since I was in the middle of the forest. I had a missed call from Alice. She had seen what they were trying to do and wanted to warn me.
For the moment, only curiosity drove them to look for me. My hostility toward them had intrigued them but Jasper had been as evasive as he could be. They wanted to know what he was hiding from them. They couldn't believe that I loved a human and wanted to see the proof for themselves. But what if their curiosity became transformed into appetite? I had spent an hour practically glued to Bella. What had I chosen today, of all days, to sit closer to her when I read to her? They were going to smell her on me and they would definitely find her scent appealing.
They were suddenly just in front of me, shadows taking shape in the forest. They eyed me warily, keeping a prudent distance since I no doubt looked like a wild animal ready to attack.
My smile was not welcoming. "Peter, Charlotte," I greeted them.
They nodded in response.
"Hi, Edward," Peter said, a bit of slyness in his voice. "We were just about to leave and we wanted to give you our best wishes."
Give me a break instead, I thought in irritation. Peter knew very well that I could read their true intentions, but he also liked to tease.
"So, you've chosen a human …" He spoke neutrally, but in his mind I could read his disdain as clearly as if he had said it aloud.
"Keep your opinions to yourself," I said, full of scorn.
Charlotte's nostrils trembled and her red pupils dilated.
"What a fragrance! I can see why you chose her," she said.
I snarled and bared my teeth. Charlotte laughed.
"Oh, come on, relax. We don't mean anything by it." Her laugh was derisive. "Anyway, you'll soon tire of your new little toy."
And, she thought, when that became the case, I would kill the toy.
For them, the idea itself of spending time near humans was aberrant. Bella was a whim, a passing fancy that I would eventually discard. They didn't really understand our vegetarian lifestyle, and even more, our desire to live among humans. They couldn't fathom that a vampire and human could have a relationship to each other except as predator and prey.
I couldn't help trying to explain. "She is for me what you are to each other. She is everything," I said.
My voice, my expression, my defensive posture, convinced them that I was completely serious. They were starting to realize that I wasn't joking, and they found that disturbing.
They had thought at first that I was mistaking blood lust for love, that I was protecting Bella like a predator keeping a particularly choice piece of prey for itself, but now they saw that I was animated by something that they understood, since they felt it themselves for their own mate. Such a love for a human bothered them – what could Bella offer besides her blood? Yet they had to bow to the evidence: all that I did and said told that that I loved her.
"Do you plan to make her one of us?" Peter asked.
"No!" I answered vehemently.
Peter was stupefied. "You realize you will lose her sooner or later?"
He found it unbelievable that I had an attachment to someone who would die in what for us was the near future.
"Yes," I said. "That's why I intend to take advantage of every millisecond of her existence and enjoy each instant she's willing to spend with me … until her last breath."
My categorical tone disconcerted them.
"Watch out," Charlotte warned me. "This could all end badly if the Volturi find out that a human knows about us."
I flinched.
In my self-absorption, I hadn't given a single thought to the indirect consequences of my confession about my nature. It was true: if the Volturi learned that I had broken one of their laws ….
No. I refused to think about that. We were thousands of miles away from them. The Volturi had no way of knowing. They had never cared about what was going on Forks. There would never be a reason for them to come sniffing around here.
Unless someone told them one.
I glared at Charlotte and Peter, boiling with rage, and they understood what I feared.
"We won't say anything," Peter assured me.
An image of Jasper appeared in their minds. For the sake of their friend, and to prevent negative repercussions falling on him, they would guard their tongues.
"You have nothing to worry about from us, Edward," he repeated. "We're just curious. Of the seven of you, I believe, you'll be the most alarmed by the news."
"What news?"
I found the answer for myself in their minds: I saw three vampires whom I didn't know at all, a female and two males.
"You are so busy watching over this human," Charlotte said, "that you missed the news that we brought. We came to warn Jasper of the possible visit of other nomads to Forks. We ran across them south of here. The Cullen clan intrigues them."
Oh, that was just great. When I felt that I was as worried as I could possibly be, more vampires decided to drop by. Peter and Charlotte's presence distressed me, but at least I knew that out of friendship for my family, they would leave Bella alone. But now unknown vampires were in the picture.
"Alice will watch out for them," I said, more for me than for my audience.
"That's what she told us," Charlotte said. She sighed, out of pity of me. "But that's not the end of your worries, Edward. Those three nomads surely won't be the last of our kind to show up here. You should perhaps give her up so you don't go crazy."
I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Could you give Peter up? Could you forget about him, not know what was happening to him, just for your mental health?" I spat out.
My words had an effect. She looked at her mate and her thoughts confirmed what I had just said: Charlotte could never abandon Peter, even if it led to madness.
"That's exactly the same for me too," I added.
Peter motioned to his mate. "It's time to go." He turned to me in a gesture of farewell: "Good luck."
I waved goodbye to them absently.
Their departure didn't ease my tension. Knowing that other vampires might come here in the weeks ahead filled my mind instead. My family noticed when I returned home to change, and they tried to reassure me.
"I'm on it, Edward. I'm going to watch for their tiniest decisions," Alice said.
"Honestly, Edward, there's 3,120 people living in Forks, so the chance is only one in 3,120 that they'll run across her," Rosalie said, exasperated.
"That is one chance too many," I retorted.
"If they cause trouble, we'll take care of it," Emmett boasted, smacking his palm with his fist.
That reassured me a bit. Not enough to relieve all my worries, and not enough so Bella didn't notice the next day at noon, when we were again under our tree.
"You want to tell me what's bothering you?"
"Nothing."
"You're edgy. Should … would it be better if I moved away? It's become too difficult for you."
Bella had misinterpreted the reason for my tension. She was already gathering her things and I gently grasped her hand.
"You're mistaken. I'm not thirsty."
"So what is it?"
Could I tell her? Perhaps I could. Perhaps that would compel her to be prudent herself, although I didn't really see the necessity since I would always be nearby to stop anything.
"It could be that others of my kind will show up here," I murmured.
She was astonished that that made me worried.
"So?"
"They aren't vegetarians, Bella."
"Oh." She shivered, but quickly controlled it. "Do you know them?"
"No. And we don't know what they intend to do."
"Maybe they just want to get to know you. I just hope that they're … that they're not thirsty."
"That's exactly what I'm worried about."
She seemed to reflect for a minute, then declared suddenly, "If we encounter them, they'll have to understand that they can't hunt here."
I gaped at her, not sure that I had heard her correctly.
"Did you say 'us'?"
"Yeah."
"My word, you are suicidal! I don't want to see you within 100 miles of them!"
"Oh, calm down. I'm just throwing the idea out. I was thinking that if they saw us together, they would understand that vampires and humans could have a relationship other than of hunters and prey. It might make them think, you know?"
"What, you think we could be the role models of a vampire-human entente?"
"Why not?"
"You are attributing too much humanity to my kind, Bella. My family isn't like the others, don't forget that. Normal vampires don't want to see the human world as we do, just as normal humans don't want to know that we exist. You need to forget any notions of a peace accord."
"I'm not pretending that we could bring about a cease-fire between humans and vampires, but perhaps we could encourage them to want to know each other better. I'm certainly curious about you. I don't see why the inverse would be impossible. Curiosity could lead certain vampires to reconsider their carnivorous habits, make them think that it might be worth it to keep us … alive."
"It is impossible. We don't change just like that. Jasper is the living proof of that. He's been a vegetarian for more than 50 years, and it's still difficult for him," I grumbled. "Curiosity won't save any human's life. Especially not yours. So, you must be careful."
"All right, all right. I told you it was just an idea."
"I should hope so. I will not allow any contact. The only vampires you'll ever meet will be my family. I guarantee that."
My own words had just given me an idea. Apparently, Bella was curious about us, about our universe. But it wasn't the morbid curiosity exhibited by say, goths or believers in ghosts, zombies, witchcraft, vampirism – or rather, believers in the caricatures of the real things. No, Bella was interested in us, just as she was interested in different countries. For her, my world was like a different culture that she wanted to learn about. Bella had cast her sights on a decidedly dangerous culture, but perhaps there was a way to satisfy her curiosity and in the process make her forget her absurd idea of meeting these unknown nomads.
"Say, would you like to meet my family?"
She blinked in confusion. "But … I'm with them every day at school."
"I mean my whole family, and a real meeting, outside school."
Her eyes widened. "You're inviting me to your house?"
What was her expression conveying? Fear?
"Are you afraid? That's rich! You don't have any problem meeting nonvegetarian nomads, but my own vegetarian family frightens you?"
"I'm not afraid of them," she said indignantly. "I just think that they don't like me all that much. I bother them."
Where had she gotten that from? True, Rose couldn't stand her, but Bella wasn't supposed to know that. Jasper didn't love her, certainly, but he didn't hate her, either. He had no feelings about her, quite simply, which explained the clinical reasoning behind his being in favor of killing her.
"What makes you think that? You've only ever talked with Alice and Jasper. Did they give you the impression that they didn't like you?"
"No, but I've been monopolizing their brother for a while, when before you were all always together."
"You think they resent you for that? Not at all! It gets on their nerves that I know everything they're thinking. My spending time with you suits them just fine. They can relax a little."
My words seemed to make her reluctance disappear. She found the idea of meeting the Cullens highly attractive.
"Well, in that case…"
"What about tomorrow night? I'll come pick you up after class."
"It's a weeknight. Charlie will say no."
I found the solution in a millisecond. "I've been ill for the last two days, my doctor-father has ordered me to stay home, but, model student that I am, I don't want to fall behind. So I'm going to call you tonight and ask if you can come by tomorrow to go over the material I've missed. Charlie won't object to your helping out a poor convalescing student."
Bella gaped at me for a moment. "You are diabolical," she said.
"Strategic," I corrected her.
With that, I finally relaxed for the first time since I had found out that nomads were perhaps heading to the area. Having Bella spend time with my family was more important to me than I would have thought. My family was all I had, apart from her. If they came to know Bella, perhaps they would appreciate her for herself, not as just the human-who-has-turned-Edward's-head. Only Alice had some real interest in Bella as a person, and it was important to me that my entire family understood that I had reason to love her, that she was worth it, and I knew that given time they would succumb to her charm. They couldn't be unmoved by a human who had no fear of them. I was astonished, and grateful, each day for that, so surely it would have an effect on them too.
Looking forward to what would certainly be a very interesting encounter, I opened the Arago book with enthusiasm, ready to pick up where we left off. Fortunately, the new chapter did not mention that duke's daughter. Something told me that would have bothered Bella.
"I really like this pine tree," she said abruptly, interrupting my reading.
I thought she was going to say more, but that was all. I shrugged and continued.
"But I like that twisted old oak tree even more," she stopped me again, shyly.
I understood her unsaid request. I stood up and turned my back to her. "Climb on."
Bella found my shoulders. I was already bending forward, and I slung her on my back. Hardly had she wrapped her arms around my neck than I sped into the forest. I followed the same path as when I had followed her before, but this time at my own speed.
I arrived at the meadow in the blink of an eye. I lowered her down near the twisted old oak, and was assailed by memories … very, very recent memories, but it felt as if a century had passed since I was here.
Bella caressed the rough bark contentedly. Was she overwhelmed by the same memories as I?
She sat down on one of the tree's protruding roots and leant back against the trunk. She took off her dark glasses since the sun's rays only barely peeked through the thick canopy here. I sat on the same root to read to her.
Was it because we were in a different setting, haunted by the memory of our dance, that reading to her now seemed different than before? I read the words without really absorbing their meaning. And I had the strange impression that Bella was hearing me, but not listening to me. Or rather that she was listening to me, but the words had no meaning. She was listening to the sound of my voice, like a baby listens to a lullaby.
A leaf landed on my shoulder. I stopped reading to remove it, but froze in my movement when I realized … it wasn't a leaf, but a feather.
Bella had put her head on my shoulder.
I was overcome. And touched. Always so trustful. She put herself completely in my hands.
Where was the monster?
I looked for him, masochist that I was. I didn't find him.
"Keep going, please," she whispered.
I had to give myself a mental shake. For a moment I had lost the ability to speak.
I continued reading. I could think as I read. And I thought about this temple resting on my stone shoulder. I thought about the rightness of her head being there, on me. I should have found the reasons against that, but all I could see were the reasons for. I had the deepest certitude that the Bella's rightful place was against that shoulder.
What about her? What did she think about it? Why had she done this? Did she simply want to rest her head on a nearby surface, or did she want to be close to me? Was I merely a substitute for a pillow?
I would never get an answer to these questions.
I forced myself to concentrate ion the chapter that I was reading. Arago, in the middle of an expedition, had received a telegram announcing the death of his brother.
Grief ...
I had read about it, had seen it depicted in many books and movies. But I hadn't really fully considered this phenomenon. It had never affected me. My parents, my siblings, were eternal and invulnerable. Once, they were the only beings whose disappearance would cause me pain, and that couldn't happen. But now that Bella was in my life, one day I would experience grief.
I knew that it would annihilate me. I knew that her death would mean mine. But what would I feel at the moment of her death? Between the instant she died and the instant I would end myself, what would happen?
Perhaps Bella could help me understand … another point of view was always helpful. Especially a human point of view. Normally I would turn to Carlisle, the most human member of my family, but for him too, the notion of grief would be something unfamiliar. Of course, he saw patients die in the hospital every day. I had seen his memories of the families of the deceased. His compassion allowed him to understand to some degree their sorrow, but it remained a phenomenon he hadn't experienced himself because he had never allowed himself to become close to a being as ephemeral as a human. So, Bella could perhaps help me. Had she lost someone in her life?
"Bella?"
"Hmm?"
"What is it like to lose someone who is dear to you?"
Silence.
She lifted her head and looked at me, intrigued.
"No one you were attached to has died in the last century?"
"I have seen many people die, but no one close to me."
"And your parents? I mean, your biological ones?"
"My memories of my old life are too hazy. I don't remember enough of them to feel that I lost anything."
"Ah. And you are wondering about grief? That's a concept unknown to a vampire?"
"Not unknown to all of them. But as for me, I haven't experienced it yet, and I wonder how it is for you mortals. So? Have you lost someone?"
"Yeah, my grandmother."
"The one with the nauseating perfume?"
"Yes!" she said with a laugh. "Aside from her perfume, she was great. I adored her. She died four years ago."
"What was it like?"
"No one experiences grief the same way. Some people hold it all in, some become depressed, some refuse to accept it. I cried a lot."
She seemed to become lost in her thoughts and I regretted making her remember a painful event in her life. But then a small smile appeared on her face.
"Before she died, my grandmother told me something that has helped me: an ending is only the beginning of something new."
I grimaced. That didn't help me at all. What could begin after Bella's death? Everything would be over.
"I see …"
"You seem dubious."
"I doubt that I can make use of that philosophy."
"How do you know since you've never lost anyone before?
I know because I love you and the world will end when I lose you.
I needed to be more subtle than that.
"Families like ours are rare. In general, vampires are solitary, and join together for hunting purposes. They don't develop the ties that human families have. But some find a mate for eternity and others have friendships. It's unusual, but when it happens, creatures like me feel it much more strongly than humans do, Bella. Vampires' emotions are strong, raw and irreversible. So if one of us loses a mate or a friend, it would be impossible to see it as a new beginning. You understand, we're immortal. We have eternity stretching out before us, in theory. There is no end, no cycle of life. Humans know they're going to die and that the people around them will die too. They are prepared for that because that's the natural order of things. Not for us. We can't be ready for that. Death is incomprehensible. So grief for a vampire is inevitably … destructive. And I think – no, I know – that it will be the same for me."
"You talk as if it's going to happen. Are you expecting the death of someone close to you?"
Damn, I had said too much, but I could be honest without revealing myself.
"Yours."
She blinked, astonished.
"I have a few decades ahead of me, you know."
"Too few for a vampire."
"Perhaps we won't be friends when that happens."
I shivered despite myself, seeing the abyss.
"You will have had enough of your vampire friend?" I affected a joking tone though I was in agony.
"No. But life is like that: people come and go, some friends stay, some move on."
"What about us?"
"As far as I'm concerned, I won't move on from you."
She couldn't realize just how happy her words made me.
"I'll be tagging along with you for quite a while, Mr. Cullen."
Nothing could please me more!
Her smile faded. "Well, until you have enough of me."
So, that was how she saw the future: Bella thought our friendship was just a diversion for me, a short interlude in my long immortal existence.
She was afraid that I'd get tired of her, and I was afraid that she would tire of me. What a fine pair of pessimists we were.
"That's not going to happen," I assured her. "Have you already forgotten what I told you about vampire emotions? They're irreversible. It's I who will be tagging along after you until you die."
I tried to be teasing, but nothing was more true. Still, she couldn't know just how true it was that I would be her shadow for life. Or rather, for her life.
"Well, whatever works for us," she said, chuckling, before become serious again. "You know, when I'm no longer around, don't get too upset about it, okay? My grandmother's advice may not mean much to you now, but you'll understand it some day."
If she knew that I loved her desperately, she would understand perhaps how inapt that advice was to me. But I contented myself with acquiescing, and she went on. "So, should we stop talking about the happy subject of my coming demise and finish this chapter?"
That would be better, yes, before I fell permanently into a deep depression.
I continued reading and the lunch hour seemed over even more quickly than usual. Nonetheless, I had the presence of mind to stop reading five minutes before the bell rang.
We reluctantly left the meadow haunted by our pas de deux and I guided her to our pine tree.
"I'll call you tonight. Tomorrow at noon, I'll be here, as I was today."
"It's going to be sunny again tomorrow?"
"No, but we'll miss school. I've decided that we should all go hunting tonight, and we won't be back in time for the start of class tomorrow."
"Oh."
"We can't be thirsty when you come, you understand."
"I see. The idea of being the Cullens' dessert doesn't tempt me too much."
She was joking, but I could detect a trace of fear in her voice.
"It'll be fine, Bella."
"I know. It's the fear of the unknown, that's all."
Yes, that fear of the unknown we were both trying to overcome…
"They are going to adore you, you know."
She seemed skeptical about that, but I had no more time to reassure her. Our hour was over.
We said goodbye and I went straight home to tell my family of my plans.
Alice wasn't surprised; she had seen my decision and was fidgeting with excitement. Esme was speechless with joy. Carlisle was pleased – a human among us would be good training in conserving our humanity. Jasper had some reservations; he didn't like the idea of Bella's scent permeating the house. Emmett was eager to finally be able to make scary faces in front of Bella's sightless eyes. Rosalie grumbled. No surprise there.
I insisted that we go hunt to gird ourselves - no human had ever come into our house before. To make the idea of hunting more attractive, I suggested going to British Columbia in search of interesting prey. Since there was a chance that nomads were coming here, this would be the only trip far from Forks that I would have for some weeks.
"I just hunted. I'm not thirsty."
"Come on, Emmett, you can't say no to grizzlies."
"We're not the ones with a problem about Bella's blood. We can deal with it."
"I don't want to run any risk."
"You are really paranoid, kid." But the idea of grizzlies won him over, and he grabbed the keys to his Jeep.
"Bella Swan here …" Esme was in ecstasies. "We have to make her feel welcome! When we come back, we can cook something for her? That human skill has always interested me."
"Yuck," Alice said, grimacing. "I'd rather take her shopping. I've got to do something about her clothes."
Everyone went off to the garage to start on our trip, except Rosalie.
"I still can't believe you want to bring her here," she said, scowling. "Why are you forcing her on us? You're infatuated with her? Too bad for you, but we don't have to suffer this mortal who is going to turn our family upside down."
Her words saddened me. But that was Rosalie through and through: I shouldn't have expected that she would tolerate someone disturbing her world. For her, Bella would always and ever represent the first domino that would fall and make all the others fall – that is, our family. When she died, I would join her and that would be the end of the Cullens. And more egocentrically, Bella was a sort of rival; Rosalie still smarted over my indifference to her beauty.
"Rosalie."
That one word from Carlisle was enough to chasten Rosalie. He had no need to raise his voice or argue. One look from him could stop us in our tracks. And so it was that Rosalie followed us out without saying anything more … at least not aloud, for she continued to fulminate in her mind.
That evening, between two mountain lions, I called Bella as planned and had an innocent conversation all about the homework I needed to make up that Charlie could safely eavesdrop on. Her voice did me good, and it would have to tide me over since I was too far away to make my usual nocturnal visit. Although her voice soothed me, I could hear fatigue in it. Bella was exhausted. I wondered why …
But I had to wait until the lunch hour the next day to find out more. Just as I had expected, my family and I didn't get back from British Columbia until quite late in the morning.
The sun was hidden behind the clouds, as Alice had predicted. Still, there was something odd about my sister's behavior. She had started mentally reciting all the decimals of pi, singing the national anthem in every language possible, and the second we got back to the house she jumped into her Porsche, claiming that she need to spend time playing with her new toy.
I wasn't fooled. Alice was trying to hide a vision from me. But I was in too much of hurry to see Bella to worry about it. Besides, if it was something truly serious, Alice wouldn't hide it from me.
So I went to wait impatiently for Bella under our pine. She showed up smiling, but pale.
"Hi," I told her, astonished by her ashen complexion.
"Hi."
She still sounded exhausted. What had she done that was so tiring while I was away? I noticed that she was carrying a bag that was much bigger than usual for her lunch.
"You are planning a picnic?" I said, teasing.
She sat down under our tree.
"It's not my lunch. It's a … it's a gift."
I sat next to her, curious.
"For whom?"
She clucked in exasperation. "For you, who else?"
I was surprised. Pleasantly surprised. And I understood now why my sister had taken off. Alice had seen my gift and didn't want to spoil the surprise.
"Really?" I said happily. "But why?"
"It's my turn to thank you for everything you've done for me."
"Friends don't keep score."
"You made a copy of a CD for me, you saved my life, you read to me, you offered to be my driver, you arranged it so I could see Gestalder's sculptures … It's too much. I owe you."
"You aren't afraid of me. That's the best thank-you you can give me."
She played with the handles of the bag, a sign of nervousness.
"Not being afraid of you doesn't really count as a gift. I wanted to do more. But the blind human girl is rather limited in picking out presents compared to the rich, powerful vampire…." she said mockingly before adopting a self-depreciating expression. "But I had an idea … of a gift that only I could make."
She handed me the bag, and I took out a plain box. It seemed cold, as if it came out of a refrigerator.
I was as thrilled as a little boy. Gifts were never a surprise to me because of my talent. But here, the suspense would last until I actually opened the box.
Bella put her hand on mine, sensing that I was about to open my present.
"Wait. I think it'd be better if you didn't open it now. You need to be alone."
I frowned, more and more intrigued.
"You are very mysterious. At least tell me what it is."
"No. You'll find out later, by yourself. And you'll tell me tonight if you liked it when I go to your house."
I decided to be mischievous. "I could open it now without your knowing."
"No! Please!" Bella was in a panic, which made my confusion grow. "I'm going to tell you," she sighed. "Don't be angry, okay?"
"Angry? Angry about getting a gift? What is it?"
She played again with the handle of the bag and bit her lower lip, her heart beating furiously. Dammit, she was going to kill me. What could be so terrifying about a gift?
"It's … well. It's an IV bag. With my blood in it."