Ely thanks abbyweyr for her sharp eyes on the earlier chapters.
Recap: in the last chapter, the Cullens tracked down and dismembered James, who had bitten Bella. The venom restored Bella's sight, but briefly, since Edward stopped the transformation.
Chapter 15: Open Book
She looked pitiful in that hospital bed, but I still marveled at her face ... and at the lips that had said the most extraordinary, most blessed words in the universe. Words that continued to echo in my head in a sweet litany. I couldn't get over them. I never would.
I remained convinced that I didn't deserve those words. Just looking at her bruises told me that. Someone who deserved her love would have prevented her from ending up in a hospital bad. But she had given it to me anyway.
For reasons I couldn't grasp, Bella had decided to accord me the honor of loving me, despite everything. I couldn't even try to persuade myself that she hadn't known what she was saying in her delirium - what I had seen in her eyes couldn't be denied. It was more powerful than anything I had ever dared to dream. I had no other choice but to believe her.
She had offered me her friendship, and I was thankful for it. She had accepted my true nature and I owed her an eternal debt for that. And then, then she had told me that she felt for me what I felt for her. That was far more than I hoped for, but I would try, for the rest of our lives, to be worthy of her gift to me.
How much did she love me? Enough to forget that she had nearly died because of me, I knew. But how long would she love me? That I didn't know. Nonetheless I intended to accept anything she wanted to give me and for however long she wanted to give it. It didn't matter if her love waned; as overcome as I was by her declaration, I was fully aware that humans did indeed love, but love was ephemeral with them. It faded quickly, as the divorce statistics proved.
Still, I was prepared to be with her as long as her love endured. I was imprisoned in the carapace of a 17-year-old, but she would grow and change, and her feelings for me would change too. The day would come when she realized that I was no longer what she needed or wanted. That wouldn't be her fault, nor mine. It wouldn't be a decision she made, but the inevitable result of growing older. I would accept it, and continue to love her and be with her however she allowed me.
But for now, I wanted to enjoy each millisecond of her love, which for the moment was strong, tender, sweet and so clear in her eyes.
A chance for absolute happiness was knocking at the door of my
personal hell. I was floating in a cloud of peacefulness. To be loved in return by the most precious element of my existence was ... disorienting. Especially since I had lived in the certainty that my feelings would never be reciprocated, a fact as established as the reality that the sun was the center of the solar system and that the earth was round. And suddenly this certitude had been swept away, and everything that I had believed was impossible and unreal was true.
The road of my life had taken an unexpected turning. I had thought yesterday that I had encountered a ravine that couldn't be crossed, but a bridge had appeared across the abyss to lead me to the other side.
Pensive, I contemplated my moon. She was unconscious, but Carlisle said that was normal, simply a means for her mind to protect itself. She would probably open her eyes sometime today. I left her bedside only when a nurse approached. I couldn't be seen - my eyes were still red from Bella's blood. However, I returned as soon as she was alone. I couldn't be any distance from her, even for a second. As presumptuous as it sounded, I was certain that if I left she would realize it, even unconscious as she was, and it would cause her pain.
I allowed myself to breathe in her scent. I was shocked by the change in its effect in the past 24 hours. The fire that normally erupted in my throat was now only a twinge. It was almost pleasant. True, her scent was less tempting right now because of the transfusions she had received, but I felt that even when her blood returned to its rightful odor, it would no longer trouble me. It was something I would have never dared believed possible before, and I was eager for her to regain her proper scent.
Last night, I was forced to choose between making Bella a vampire or leaving her human. How could the choice have been so agonizing? Right now it seemed absurd to me that I would have even considered taking her away from her life, her family, her humanity. I loved her fragrance, I loved the life that ran through her veins. I loved her beating heart. All that was proof that she was alive. I would never regret that decision. Instead, I rejoiced in it.
"My heart can beat for two," I remembered her saying.
I had not understood what those words really meant then. But the truth was that she was my life, my heart. She was everything that I no longer was, everything that I had lost. My other half.
I stared at her, her uninjured hand in mine. I started to become
impatient. I wanted her to wake up. I missed her voice, her eyes ...
yes, I would never forget her gaze when she saw me for the first time, how she drank me in, but I also loved those two unseeing wells with their tranquility.
Minutes passed, hours, as I waited for her to regain consciousness.
I thought at first that she had awakened when I heard words resound in my head.
He's talking to me? To me? He is so cold. His voice is so sad ...
Mama, why do my eyes hurt? They're burning.
I looked at Bella in astonishment. The words were disjointed. That was often the case when humans awoke, I supposed. They were incoherent. But for someone who was just emerging from unconsciousness, her voice seemed very clear.
It wasn't important. What was, was that she was waking up. Finally!
However ... something was off. She had just spoken, but her body was still unmoving, her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow.
There are too many people in this school. Do I go left or right? I'm so uncomfortable! Why didn't I bring my cane? Why did I think I would get around more easily in a small school? I'm such an idiot! Ouch, my foot. What was that? A table, a chair? A wastebasket? Calm down, stop panicking. You'll figure this out. You'll manage ... Oh, my God, will this hallway never end?
My eyes wide, I focused on her unmoving, sleeping face. Was that really her voice? Or was it someone in a neighboring room? Or the television?
Come on! As if I could confuse Bella's voice with someone's on a soap opera...
And suddenly I realized how stupid I was. That voice was indeed Bella's. I was hearing her mind.
But it was improbable. Impossible. I had long ago resigned myself to never hearing Bella's mind. Maybe I was having an auditory hallucination.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to become like that. I
don't want to go blind! I won't be able to dance, I won't be able to go to museums, I won't be able to read, to do anything! I won't! I can't! Why is this happening to me? I was a good girl this year. I didn't misbehave. Why am I being punished? What bad thing did I do?
It wasn't a hallucination. I was hearing her. I was in her head.
How? I wasn't even making an effort. It was as if the wall around her mind had suddenly collapsed.
Overwhelmed, enchanted, I didn't waste time on trying to figure out the why. I plunged headfirst into her mind. I had wanted this for so long, from the very day I met her. How could I resist?
In her state of unconsciousness, her thoughts had no direction. In fact, she wasn't thinking at all. Her mind was a whirlwind of
memories, recent and old. All she had experienced was there. She was like an open book to me. I couldn't read that book as I wished, from beginning to end, because the pages flipped randomly, taking me from childhood to adolescence and back.
But hers was the most fascinating mind I had ever explored. There were almost no images. Most of her memories were sounds, smells, touches because of her condition. I saw some scenes of her life before she went blind, but, like my memories of my human life, they were hazy and distant.
I watched events of the past, some mundane, some touching, some comical, some frightening. I saw her memories of her infancy. They were vague, but I sensed that she had had a happy childhood that was marred by having to shuttle between two parents who didn't get along.
And then, an extremely painful chapter of her life. As much as I wanted to avoid it, to find happier memories, I couldn't.
I touched, via her little clumsy hands, the pages of a dog-eared book. I could see nothing, but I was almost certain that it was the old book of fairy tales that I had seen in her old bedroom at Renee's house.
I can't even read my storybook … I can't even see the pictures of the leprechauns at the end of the rainbow. How many colors are in a rainbow? I don't know anymore … Red, yellow, orange, blue, violet, what else? I don't remember what violet looks like. Is it dark or light?
….
I'm totally useless now. Nobody needs me. Mama cries in her bedroom. I'm just a bother.
I held my breath while her trembling but determined fingers found something sharp and cutting. I felt it all: the cold blade against her wrists, the pain when it cut her skin…
It was a pain squared: my pain because my only reason for living wanted to end a life that I considered priceless, hers because being in her head meant enduring what she had herself endured.
It was agonizing.
The memory disappeared, replaced by another chapter of her life. I exhaled, because I wasn't sure I could have tolerated experiencing the aftermath. The wind continued to turn the pages randomly, though I prayed to see a specific period of her life.
My prayers were answered at last: it was our first encounter, in Banner's biology classroom.
Yuck, what a horrible odor. Sulfuric acid, carbon nitrate and trisodium phosphate. The class before this must have been about the pH levels in soil
I startled. I knew that Bella's sense of smell was stronger than that of the average human, but I was still impressed – I had smelled exactly the same things that afternoon.
"Just sit next to Edward. Straight ahead, second row."
Edward? The Edward that Jessica was talking about? Huh, what a coincidence. What did Mr. Banner say again? Okay, straight ahead, second row.
Come on, one step, two, three, four, five, six, seven… there! The corner of a table.
Good. Breathe, Bella. Introduce yourself to your lab partner … and put up with his awkward greetings and questions about being blind. It's always the same old thing.
Inhale. Exhale.
God, what is that fragrance? I can't even smell the chemicals now.
Is it coming from him?
Breathe in.
Yes, it's him. He smells wonderful. I've never smelled anything so good. It's not cologne, I'm sure of it. It's not artificial. It's
natural ... wild. He must hike in the woods a lot. But there's something else, something I can't identify. He smells like ...
timelessness. It's really strange.
I noticed an important difference from the previous flashes of memory. The earlier scenes were of a young Bella who was disoriented and anxious. Now the child had grown up and learned to manage with her disability. Her mind was naturally more mature because she was almost an adult, but there was something more, an extra ingredient in the typical recipe for making an ordinary young woman. This body-mind-spirit, the entity of Bella, had more sensory capacities than the usual five - or in her case, four - senses. This was unique, even among vampires with superior aptitudes like me. These sensory capacities were a mix of physical perceptions and intuition - a sixth sense, of a sort, developed to compensate for her lost sight. It was this sixth sense that allowed her to perceive my "timelessness," to discern in me things that were well below the surface, buried deep.
"Hi. I'm Bella. You're Edward, right?"
The scraping of my chair and my footsteps leaving the classroom.
Huh. I knew that my blindness makes people uncomfortable, but not that it would make them flee in horror. However ... perhaps it has nothing to do with me. It sounded like he ran off because he was sick - a stomach virus? He probably had to go to the restroom. The teacher didn't seem to even notice that he left. Or maybe he's used to it - maybe he's sick a lot. Poor guy...
Another page turned, to the first time we had spoken.
"Hello."
He's talking? To me?
"Hi."
"You're Bella, right?"
A voice of velvet. It's almost unreal, how it sounds.
"Yes."
"I'm Edward Cullen. I'm sorry I didn't say hello last week. I wasn't feeling well."
Well-spoken, reserved, smooth ...
"No problem."
It's like some strange instrument, his voice - a melodious tenor straight from the heavens. I understand why all the girls here have a crush on him. I may not know what he looks like, but his voice alone can make you melt. It's strange, though, there is a note of melancholy in that harmonious voice. I wonder why … Jessica told me the Cullen kids were all adopted. Maybe he had a hard time - in a foster home or an orphanage? God, my imagination is running rampant.
I smiled, touched and stunned at the same time, but avidly sought out fragments of other memories in the whirlwind.
He's reading to me. He's reading to me. I can't get over it. He's not even bored. Or if he is he's hiding it really well.
…..
He's asking me about myself. Wow. I'm not used to that. People usually ask what it's like being blind.
I don't have anything interesting to tell him. What can I say about myself? That I love composing music? Gah, he'll think I'm some pretentious girl pretending to be Mozart.
…
What is that voice calling me?
It wants me to go back. But it's good here. I don't feel anything. It's quiet, peaceful. It must be death.
Why does that voice keep insisting? It's murmuring something strange. A song ... a sad chant. Oh, it's sounds so good. I have to follow it. It's too compelling. I have to get closer to it. What does it say? It's familiar, but what are the words? ... I know them, I do. Because they're the same words I say silently to myself every day.
"I love you ... Come back to me."
No, those words can't be coming from his lips. It's impossible. Those are my words, words I shouldn't say. Words I have to keep secret. Why is he saying them? It doesn't make any sense. I think them. He doesn't.
….
What is that sound? A truck? No, a van. A Volkswagen Vanagon. Hah, Phil would be proud of me, I'm sure that's exactly what it is.
Wait, it sounds like it's skidding… yeah, it is.
Oh, no, no ... it's headed toward me. Move! Where can I go?
I can't move. I'm paralyzed. Why is it always that your reflexes stop working when you need them most? I'm going to die. Oh, make it quick, please...
But ... what's this around me? It's cold ... what is it? Arms. They're arms. Whose? That strange fragrance, it's back. Edward? What's he doing? He needs to get out of here. We'll both die! One's enough. Go away! Why won't he let me go?
…
Jesus, the van hit us. Straight on. And I'm alive. And he's not hurt at all! Not a scratch ... at least I don't think so, since nobody is saying he is.
How did he do it?
Why is he denying it? He is strong, indestructible ... dangerous. So what? He seems to think that I'm going to announce to the whole town what he did. I'd be the last person to point my finger at someone for being different.
….
Why is he so cold to me? Why did he save me if I'm nothing to him? He doesn't even answer when I say hello. He probably has realized that he doesn't want to waste any time with a handicapped girl.
Too bad. That's his problem. It's not the first time that I misjudged
someone ... but it's the first time I have been so spectacularly wrong. So weird. But after all, I barely know him.
His rejection shouldn't bother me so much. It's not normal. Huh, it'scertainly because he had seemed to be the first person to beinterested in me for me instead of Blind Bella.
…
Debussy. He likes Debussy. I can't believe it. I don't want to have that in common with him. I don't want to be even more sorry that he hates me.
…
I just don't get it: He wants to be my friend. I can't understand this guy at all.
…
My cell's broken, I'm in the middle of nowhere and I can't even reach Angela. All because I wanted to look for a book that isn't even in the stores yet. This'll teach me about overestimating my sense of direction. Good job, Bella!
Oh, good, those guys' voices are getting closer. Finally, some people. I thought this place was deserted. I was starting to give up.
"Hey, beautiful."
"Are you all alone?"
"You wanna have some fun with us?"
Oh, crap. Just my luck. Drunk jerks. How many are there? Five? No, six. Six different laughs. I shouldn't stay here. Where can I go? Left? Right? There's no traffic, no cars, no buses. I'm all alone. Damn, damn, damn.
"Leave me alone."
Ouch, my arm. That guy's a gorilla.
"Let me go."
Don't show you're afraid. Don't show you're afraid.
Do something. Move, Bella. He won't be able to say that I didn't fight back. My cane in his groin should make him think twice.
My throat. He's squeezing so hard. I can't breathe!
What is that noise, that growling?
They let me go… What's happening? Why are they screaming?
That fragrance ...
He found me … or has he always been there?
What is he doing? My God, is he killing him with his bare hands?
I have to do something. I can't let him do that.
…
I feel so comfortable with him. I'm not always thinking about my blindness. I feel like … myself. I forget everything with him. Is it the same for him? I hope so.
…
It's so easy to talk with him. Who would have thought that I'd find someone to talk with about Tchaikovsky and Strauss? I thought I knew a lot about classical music, but he's an expert. He knows so much. It's like he's lived in some past era … I'm learning so much from him.
…
Why do I have butterflies in my stomach when we're together? It's like my heart is bursting out of my chest….
No. Oh, no. I've never felt this, but I know what it means.
Don't do it, Bella. Don't fall for him. Don't even imagine it. He's given you his friendship, that's already too much. He watches over you; he's a guardian angel. He's only doing his job, his mission. Nothing more. He can't love you. Don't hope for it. Falling in love with an angel … pfft, it's like loving the wind, an illusion, a phantom. Nothing real, nothing concrete. Don't fall in love. Don't fall in love. Don't fall in love.
…
"I greatly liked this room when I saw it in your charming little home movies at your mother's house. So I decided it would be a good setting. It's very dramatic with all the mirrors, perfect for my own little movie that I'll show to your Edward."
James. I felt a double tremor of terror run through me, Bella's terror and my own.
A room full of mirrors. Our home movies… I remember! The dance studio. He's taken me to the dance studio on Cactus Boulevard. Alice saw it! If my eyes had allowed me to see the drawing she did, I'm sure I would have recognized it.
"Smile for the camera, little Bella. It's good you're awake again. It's more fun. What are your final words to your dear Edward?"
"Edward, please, don't - ohhh!"
My leg! He broke my leg!
"Listen to her scream, Edward," James said to the camera I didn't see. "What a lovely symphony, music to my ears. Don't you agree?"
Myhand crushed one of the bars of Bella's hospital bed. I was grateful that Bella's memory of this was auditory. Hearing it was agonizing. Seeing it would have made me insane. The camera had been destroyed in the fire that also destroyed the studio, and that was a good thing.
Why is he dragging this out?
Just kill me!
"You know, I'm doing him a favor. Sooner or later, you'll die. He's going to lose his fragile little human. He should thank me for getting rid of you before he gets too attached. And I'm doing you a favor too. He wouldn't stay interested for long in some weak blind girl. He'd toss you aside. This way your little heart won't be broken."
A wave of hate for James rolled over me along with a wave of distress, for I sensed that Bella had believed James's words. And all I could do was watch, powerless, a spectator of the scene passing before me.
"He's ... Edward's not like that," she protested faintly, without much conviction.
"A minor distraction, that's all you. How else could he see you? Insignificant, inferior, and blind to boot," he sneered.
I couldn't stop the growl that burst through my lips.
I am insignificant.
I am inferior.
NO.
I am blind.
But that's not all I am.
Sorry I stole your Taser, Dad. I'm sorry for all this.
…
Huh, that's what the anatomy of a vampire is. It's like touching a work of art.
So cold, so hard, so strong and yet so smooth, so gentle, so tender.
I should memorize every bit of skin, every inch of marble flesh, every line of his body, because I'm sure I won't get a chance to do this again. He's really indulging me, I know.
I know he's fighting to remain still, I know this is torture for him, but, just this once, I want to learn him, to put in my memory everything about him that I can.
His face… it's perfect, flawless. But there so much tension there. I'd love to know what he's like when he smiles…
There is nothing, no movement, under his skin. I hear nothing, no heart beat.
"So silent …"
"Everything inside me is dead."
No, you're wrong. Silence does not equal death, Edward. There is music even in silence. You just have to listen for it. I hear a heart that's been asleep a long time, but I know it's there.
You are so sad…
If you really want a heart, I will give you mine … but only if you wanted it.
I give it to you. It's yours.
…
He's laughing. It's so rare, so precious. I would like so much to hear it more often, to feel him smile. Why is he unhappy? I would like so much to have the power to … lighten the load on his shoulders, whatever it is.
…
What does it mean to feel so empty when a certain person isn't with you? What does it mean when you're always impatient for the next time you'll be with the person? What does it mean when you don't notice time passing when you're with him? What does it mean when you worry for all sorts of crazy reasons that this person will reject you or leave you? What does it mean when you always feel better and safer when that person is close to you? What does it mean when that person is more important to you than your own life?
It means you love that person.
I don't want that to happen. But it's inevitable. Unavoidable. It can't be otherwise.
So what do I do now?
Love in silence, that's all I can allow myself to do.
But the feeling is so … so absolute, so overwhelming. I feel like I'm going to explode.
…
Dance. I want to dance. It's been such a long time.
This place is perfect. I think I've walked enough. I'm sure I'm far from the school. Which is good. I don't want anyone to see me and make fun.
This tree … an oak, I think.
It's knotty and old and the bark is full of cracks. I can sense the canopy it makes above me, like a protective dome. It makes me think of him. He's like a dome you feel safe under.
This tree is unchanging, hard, twisted … as he is on the inside; tortured by something I don't know, fissured by some wound …
You will be my partner, old oak.
I feel like I'm flying. I've still got the moves. Oh, it feels good to twirl around! I've missed this so much …
Strange, my partner seems to have uprooted himself.
I must be dreaming.
No, it's not a dream. There are other steps than mine in the grass.
That fragrance.
Impossible.
Him? Here?
Yes, it's definitely him. I'd recognize that scent anywhere.
He is here.
He's dancing too. No, he's not dancing, he's enveloping me. I'm like a ballerina in a glass globe.
No, not glass. Glass breaks. He doesn't. He's invulnerable. He's cold, though he makes me feel warm. It's a unique material surrounding me. Indestructible. Inflexible and gentle at the same time. An oddly reassuring shield.
I want to follow him, I want to surround him too, accompany him like he accompanies me. I want to touch him.
You are so close and yet so far. If I reached out my fingers, what would I find?
Nothing. There is nothing. Because you are an angel. If I try to touch you, I will hold only air. You are immaterial.
Gone. He's gone. I don't feel him anymore. My angel has vanished from the meadow.
…
"Go away! This is a mistake. We shouldn't be with each other."
He's rejecting me again.
I feel sick.
I won't let you do this. I have to understand. Tell me what's eating you from the inside out, I beg you. Let me help you.
"I am a killer."
A killer.
Vampire… vampire?
My angel is a vampire.
He wanted to kill me. My angel wanted to kill me.
I'm afraid. … I should run away. Far away.
No!
No ...
No.
I'm wrong. Completely wrong.
He doesn't want to hurt me … he fights it
I can't leave. It's too late. I love him.
He's afraid too.
He's afraid of himself. He's afraid of giving in.
He's not bad.
He is so torn.
Don't push me away, please. Don't reject me again.
I will not run away. We are going to work together to overcome this fear. We have to try. I don't want to lose you.
…
I'm burning. I'm on fire! Put it out, for God's sake!
My eyes hurt so much! I'm being covered in lava and it's burning everything, even the darkness…
The darkness is ash. Only light is left.
How can I see the light?
What is above me?
It's a sphere, white. Above it are two ovals next to each other. There's a vertical line between them, in relief, and below that a crimson line. No, two crimson lines, moving, then joining.
It's … a face?
Oh, I barely remember what a face looks like.
It's so new.
I must be in heaven, to be able to see.
What a wonderful face.
I've never seen anything like it.
Gold. There's gold in those eyes. Oh, I remember the color gold.
I've never seen such enchanting eyes. There are so many things being said in that gaze. Suffering. Tenderness.
White. It is white like marble.
I want to touch that face. I must touch it.
My fingers tell me that I know this skin. I know these features, this cold surface. I have touched it before.
Him... it's him! The face of my angel.
I wasn't wrong. I knew he really was an angel. No other being could have such a heavenly face.
He's saying those words? They're so odd coming from his mouth. Or at least, being said to me.
"I love you, do you hear me? You are my life."
Incredible. He's really saying them to me. I am really in heaven. Heaven in the middle of hell.
The book of Bella's memories snapped closed. The invisible wall rose anew, blocking me from her mind. I blinked, confused, as if I'd been pulled from a dream.
I stared once more at a sleeping Bella. It was over.
I didn't matter. I had seen the important things.
I wavered between incredulity and joy. My moon's mind was filled with secrets that harmonized with my own: a deep warmth, an intense love, a powerful tenderness, an unbreakable attachment, a secret hope, an infinite desire … all for me.
I was invaded by a devastating wave of happiness.
"Bella … my sweet Bella…."
I floated on that wave while I played over and over in my head all that I had seen and heard.
These discoveries made me want to try something. I had done it three times before: the first time in her room several weeks ago, the second and third times only last night. The first time had lasted only a second. It had made me ecstatic … and it made me feel guilty for not having her permission. The second and third time, I was about to go into a trance. It was only a means – an excuse, a pretext - to familiarize myself with her body before pulling out the venom.
Now, I didn't have to fear that I would offend Bella, or make her ill at ease. I needed no excuses or justifications. Knowing the truth hidden in her eyes made my reticence, my inhibitions, dissipate. Because she had offered me her heart and those extraordinary words, I no longer felt guilty. I no longer felt the need to censure myself. It made what I wanted to do more powerful, more true.
It was the result, the natural consequence, of an emotional equation that was complex, but common. Our declarations added to what I had witnessed in her mind made it irrepressible.
In other words, I was dying to kiss her.
I felt very human at that moment. Some very old instinct, both primitive and pure, was making my lips tingle. Primitive, but not animal. It was strong and new, but not disturbing like bloodlust. Instead it was a legitimate, human, normal desire. Natural. Understandable. Right.
And so I decided to give in to this desire. But I didn't have much choice of terrain: Bella was covered almost everywhere in bandages and casts. Practically the only parts of her that were unencumbered were the hand that James hadn't bitten and part of her forehead… and her lips, which I made a great effort to ignore. I didn't have the right to kiss her there, not while she was sleeping. To my mind, this … this type of … exchange should take place only when both parties where in full possession of their faculties. And in any case, I didn't feel ready. Even if I had vanquished the monster, it wasn't prudent of me to have my sharp teeth near such a fragile area.
I would content myself with her hand and her forehead. That was enough for now.
In a way, I was relieved that Bella was asleep, because I felt awkward and clumsy. I didn't want her to be aware of my first attempt. I was gifted in everything except that. In 100 years of existence, I had never kissed anyone (my earlier efforts didn't count in my eyes, since the first happened when I was sure she didn't love me – God, that seemed like another lifetime – and the two other times were under duress) nor had I even thought to do so. But now I had an intoxicating desire to touch her, to declare myself, to connect with her in this way.
I closed my eyes. I carefully lifted her hand. I moved with deliberate slowness and placed my lips on her wrist, on one of her old scars. I had done something similar the night before, but in haste. This time, I wanted to be fully aware of her every nerve ending. Touching her skin with my hand sent a thousand little tremors through me; touching it with my lips was like having a fireworks display inside me, an electric pulse through my entire body.
Remembering the cause of this scar make my chest twist. So I kissed it as if I could make it dissolve, as if I could make vanish that horrible event, which represented yet another time I nearly lost her.
I caressed the lines in her palm, lines that pointed to a thousand different paths. Would a fortune teller have been able to see her encounter with a vampire there?
I bent down to the part of her temple that wasn't bandaged and let my lips travel along her skin, pale, warm, softer than a feather. I repeated my promise to never leave her - a promise I had almost broken. I would do everything to expiate my sin.
At the same time, though, this was still an exercise in self-control. I had to train myself so that my mouth of stone wouldn't hurt her. I had to get used to touching her without wounding her. A vampire's teeth were the most dangerous part of his anatomy; they were his favorite weapon. I had to be careful. I had held her hand on many occasions, and it had become easy, automatic, to not grip too strongly. I had to undergo the same training here - arduous, but also delicious and exhilarating.
I had to train myself, because I could not longer be content with just holding her hand. It was presumptuous and arrogant of me, but something told me that Bella wouldn't want me to limit myself to her hand. In fact, it was very presumptuous of me … after all, I was kissing her right now without her agreement. In her unconscious state, did she sense what I was doing? Would she be upset with me? If she was, I would apologize … later. For the moment, the sensation of her skin on my lips was too exquisite to forgo, even if I also felt ridiculously inexperienced and terribly nervous.
"Edward?"
I startled and turned toward the door of the hospital room. My father, wearing his white doctor's coat, was looking at me with an amused expression.
I moved away from Bella's temple in embarrassment. I had been so focused on my exploration that I hadn't heard his approach.
I wanted for him to tell me he needed something, but it turned out that he expected me to ask him for something.
"Alice just told me that you would soon want to see me."
"She did?"
Perplexed, I asked myself what it could be. As my gaze fell back upon Bella's sleeping figure, I realized that yes, I did need Carlisle's informed opinion.
"I was just able to do something that I thought I never would."
"Which is?"
"I read Bella's thoughts."
Consternation flashed on his face. "Really?"
"Yes. How do you think I managed it?"
He thought it over for a few moments before speaking. "I'm not certain, but I think that Bella has a talent like yours."
I had never considered that. But now that Carlisle mentioned it, it seemed a likely theory.
He went on, "An undeveloped talent because she is still human."
"And will remain so," I said calmly.
"Ah … well, here goes: she has perhaps some sort of … wall. A shield that she can't control. Now she is unconscious, in a semi- coma, in a state deeper than sleep. Her automatic mental defenses are considerably weakened. The sedatives might have an effect here too. In other words, her shield has been lowered, and that allows you to read her."
"It didn't last long. It's already over."
"So her shield is back up, which perhaps means that she'll wake up soon."
That was good news.
"You think that for this to happen again, Bella would have to be deeply unconscious again?"
"I think so, yes."
"Let's hope that it doesn't happen again anytime soon. I much prefer her awake." Even if that kept me from seeing the fascinating workings of her mind.
Carlisle stepped over to me and held out a small plastic case.
"Alice got you some more lenses. Chief Swan will be back from the airport with Mrs. Dwyer in seven minutes."
"I see. Thank Alice for me ….She still can't remember anything?"
I had used the time when Bella was on the operating table to tell Alice all I had discovered about her past in James's mind. She was greatly intrigued.
Carlisle shook hi head. "Absolutely nothing. And perhaps it's better that way …"
"You're right."
He nodded, scrutinized the various monitors that Bella was attached to and headed to the door. "Do please stop damaging the hospital's property," he joked, glancing at the twisted bar on Bella's bed. He left without waiting for an apology.
For the last 24 hours, I had watched Carlisle at work, and never had I seen him so intent on a patient. In the dance studio, I had been too absorbed by Bella to focus on his mind, but I realized later that even though Carlisle had asked me to decide between letting Bella change or keeping her human, he wouldn't have allowed the first option, and that he had been confident that I wouldn't choose it. He had asked me only out of courtesy.
Carlisle had too much humanity in him to want Bella to endure the same destiny as us. If Bella had had no chance of surviving, the situation would have been different, I suppose. But as long as there was hope, vampirism wasn't a possibility for him. And it was for that reason that he had taken over Bella's case, as well as being a way of making amends to Charlie. As the head of our family, he felt responsible for Bella's injuries. While Carlisle had never been a father in the biological sense, he felt like a father. And he knew how much Charlie would suffer if he didn't do everything to take care of Bella.
We had gotten Bella back to Forks only six hours ago. The first 18 hours after her "accident," she had spent in a hospital in Phoenix under a fake identity that Jasper had hastily fabricated. Since Bella was under-age, the hospital officials would have been forced to call Charlie, who would no doubt have been astonished and suspicious to discover that we had gone "camping" a thousand miles from Forks. So Carlisle had pretended to be Bella's father. And being both a doctor and a vampire with abundant persuasive abilities, he had been allowed to work alongside the surgeons and nurses at the hospital and made it so Bella could be in a condition to be transported to Forks as soon as possible. Fourteen hours later, she was stable enough to be moved.
Carlisle had falsified some information to make it credible that Bella had just sustained a fall down a mountainside. Charlie had to believe that the accident was recent so that he didn't get upset that we had delayed informing him. Once everything was in place, Esme called Charlie to give him the bad news. He swallowed her story, and Charlie came to visit his injured daughter.
We were masters of fraud and lies. That had never disturbed me before. Now, though, it made me uneasy, because I respected Charlie Swan. But we really didn't have a choice….
Still, I would apologize to him, even if he never knew exactly what I was sorry for…
Charlie had burst into the emergency room and collared the first nurse he encountered to take him to Bella. I had left her room, aware that her father wanted to be alone with her.
Carlisle met with a highly agitated Charlie instead. I listened to their conversation from Carlisle's office. My father was used to dealing with the families of patients, and he was good at it. He could handle all sorts of reactions: panicked, inquisitive, tearful, angry. He put his considerable talent to work reassuring Charlie about Bella's condition and her medical care in the coming weeks.
Charlie managed to calm down and apologize for his agitation. From Carlisle's office, I could hear his heart thumping wildly. He was shocked to see all the machines Bella was connected to, the breathing tubes and the bandages and casts. He collapsed onto the chair that I had occupied since Bella had been moved into her room, the chair that allowed me to stare at her without cease.
A half-hour later, my colored contact lenses in place, I came into the room to apologize. Charlie had always trusted me, but I suspected, given the lamentable state his daughter was in, he would do so no longer, not even to accompany her to school. I wondered how I was going to win back his confidence, though I knew Charlie's anger was a more than fair punishment. I was angry at myself, after all.
Oddly, though, he was less cold to me than I would have expected. Even though I was the person to invite Bella for a camping trip, Charlie decided that his daughter's injuries weren't my fault.
He even tried to smile at me, though it looked more like a grimace. "At least she had some good luck to go along with her bad luck," he said gruffly. "Thank God your father was there."
"Yes. Carlisle will take care of her personally. We feel responsible for what happened."
"Your father's already told me all that." He looked at his daughter again, then reluctantly stood up. "I called her mother. She got the first plane to Seattle. I need to go pick her up. It'll take about three hours. Call my cell if there's news."
I agreed, and he left. Which was a good thing, since my lenses were already started to dissolve in my venomous eyes.
And now he was about to return, with Renee. I would have hoped to meet Bella's mother in happier circumstances….
I put in the new lenses that Alice had procured. They might make me seem more human to Renee, but she would probably still be intimidated by me. As was everyone else…
A soft moan from the bed wrenched me from my thoughts. I dashed to Bella's side.
"Bella," I called gently.
She moved slightly, still caught between unconsciousness and waking.
She was finally coming back!
Her eyelids fluttered, and a barely audible murmur came from her lips.
"Edward …"
I trembled. I had so missed hearing her say my name.
I bent down to her. "I'm here."
She tried to sit up, but stopped with a cry of pain. I would have done anything to take that pain from her.
"Don't try to move."
I sensed that she felt disoriented and uncomfortable with all the
gauze and tubing.
"Where am I?"
"In the hospital."
Some flashes of her last moments before she lost consciousness
apparently came to her, because she started struggling again to sit
up, and a note of fear was in her voice.
"James ... Victoria..."
I put a hand on hers, hoping to reassure her. "Victoria fled, and we took care of James. You don't have to worry."
The sound of my voice, my words and my touch succeeded in easing her fear. I was pleased to have this power, this ability to chase away her distress, her bad memories.
"It's all dark. It's nighttime?"
A dagger pierced my heart. Obviously, she didn't remember everything, and she had expected to reawaken with her vision intact. ...
"No, Bella, it's the middle of the day," I murmured sadly.
"Oh..." Her eyes filled with tears, and my chest seemed to crack open. "So that means I went back to the way I was before," she said, disillusioned.
Overwhelmed by guilt, my words burst out, "I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't..."
"I know," she said, a small smile on her lips. "I wanted the fire to stop, I remember now. And ending the fire meant ending my ability to see, I knew that."
"Not just that. I couldn't let you become a monster."
"A monster? You're dramatizing things, I -"
A cry came from the door of her room.
"Bella!"
Charlie was back, accompanied by a fortyish replica of Bella. She rushed to the bed, too anxious to pay attention to me.
Bella furrowed her brow. "Mom?" she asked in surprise. "But ... what ..."
Renee hugged her daughter as best she could considering Bella's condition. Bella couldn't hug her back, but I guessed that she was thrilled by her mother's unexpected appearance.
"I came as soon as I heard. Oh, my poor little Smurf, you are really a mess," Renee said, chuckling, in an effort to play down the severity of Bella's injuries.
The strange nickname made Bella smile, and I remembered that Renee called her daughter that whenever she bumped into something and got a bruise. Her injuries now, though, were much more serious than a bruise…
Charlie sat down on the other side of the bed, relieved to see Bella awake. "How do you feel, sweetie?" he asked.
"Oh, Dad, you're here too," she said. "Like a zombie. I'm sorry … um … what happened?"
She pretended to not remember, already alert enough to know that she needed to hide the truth.
"You tumbled down a mountain," he reminded her. "You don't remember?"
'Yeah? Okay … it's coming back to me."
"I wish you'd found another pretext to get me here," Renee said in a faux annoyed tone. "If you missed me so much, you didn't need to throw yourself off from the top of a mountain. A phone call would've worked."
Her comment made Bella giggle. Apparently, she had missed her mother's joking.
Renee seemed to suddenly remember that there was a fourth creature in the room. "Well, who is that Adonis here? If it's your private nurse, I think I'll throw myself off a mountain too."
I was used to this sort of remark, though most people didn't make it aloud. It seemed that Renee was the sort of person to say exactly what she was thinking.
Bella blushed in embarrassment. "Mom, please…"
Charlie took over. "I told you about him in the car. He's one of Dr. Cullen's sons."
I stepped closer, but didn't offer my hand. Instead I gave Renee a friendly wave. "I'm Edward Cullen, Mrs. Dwyer, and unfortunately the one who's responsible for Bella being here."
Charlie rolled his eyes. "He means that he's the one who invited her camping."
"I see. Pleased to meet you, Edward."
Renee scrutinized me, and I realized that under her carefree exterior was a woman of great astuteness, because she immediately understood the connection between her daughter and me.
The word "boyfriend" echoed in her head. She was both delighted and astonished. I was too. Boyfriend… it sounded strange. It wasn't a description that I would have ever thought would be applied to me. Vampire, killer, bloodsucker, leech… boyfriend.
"He saved me," Bella said, affection gleaming in her tranquil eyes.
I turned my gaze on her. Bella didn't seem upset about waking up in darkness. Perhaps she realized that her life – her soul – was more valuable than sight.
I wasn't really aware that I was smiling. Smiling at her had become automatic, easy, natural. I did it without noticing; before I met Bella, a smile was a calculated act, done because I had to.
So Charlie's stupefaction surprised me. He looked at me with astonishment and examined us, his daughter and me, in a new light. He had just realized what Renee had figured out immediately. The way I looked at Bella was pure adoration. I had betrayed my feelings. Bella too.
I wished that this gathering would be over soon, because I desperately wanted to be alone with Bella. But I had to hide my impatience, and Bella did too, I sensed. I didn't say much in the hour that followed. Bella chatted with her parents, interrupted several times by nurses and my father coming in to check up on her. She was happy to see her parents together and getting along instead of being at each other's throats as usual, but I was sure that she wanted as much as I did to be alone.
I thought I would get a chance to talk to her when Charlie and Renee left to get a bite at the cafeteria. Alas, the visit had tired Bella, and she fell asleep despite herself.
Her father came back a few minutes later, alone. And it wasn't to see his daughter…
His thoughts had gone in a completely different direction from what I had expected today, in this hospital room. I wasn't prepared for it. He took me by surprise.
I knew that I would get an inquisition, but not so quickly.
"Tell me, young man," he barked, "what are your intentions toward my daughter?"
I hesitated a fraction of a second before deciding to be completely honest.
"Bella is important to me." What an understatement! Well, there was no point in telling him that she was necessary for my very existence. "I will accept what she wants to give me. I ask nothing, demand nothing. It's her choice."
My response seemed to satisfy Charlie.
"Okay," he said.
That was it? No warning, no threats, no coercion?
Charlie's mind suddenly became hazy. It took me several seconds to understand that memories were whirling about in his head. I couldn't clearly identify them – his mind had always been difficult for me to read. I should be more attentive to it.
"I'm going to tell you something I have never told Bella," he declared abruptly, looking thoughtful.
He hunched over in his chair, elbows on his knees and his gaze distant. "The first summer she spent here after she became blind, she was determined to go to the grocery store by herself to show me, and herself, that she would be independent."
His memory of that – clearer to me because he was speaking of it at the same time was thinking of it – unspooled as he told me his story. I couldn't figure out where Charlie was going with this, or what it had to do with our previous conversation, but I listened to him raptly.
"She came back safe and sound, and so proud for doing this errand without help. Oh, yeah, she was proud," he said, smiling nostalgically.
I saw a girl with rosy cheeks and a spark of joy in her inanimate eyes, her arms filled with groceries.
"See, Daddy, see. I did it! I didn't knock into a single thing. I needed help only to find the flavor cake you like, that was all. I did all the rest by myself!"
"She gave me the change and the receipt, and put away the groceries singing to herself." Charlie's face darkened. "What she never knew was that the change wasn't right. The cashier, some lowlife named Bob, had been mean enough to give her one-dollar bills instead of the five-dollar bills she should have gotten. Bella couldn't tell the difference; they all feel the same to her. She was so pleased about what she had done that I hadn't have the heart to tell her that she'd been cheated."
I saw Charlie stare at the name of the cashier printed on the receipt, try to control his anger and find an excuse to run out. Charlie had tracked down the guy quickly and had put him through hell. Good. If Charlie had done nothing, I would have found this Bob myself and he would have paid a heavy price for what he had done, even if it was years ago.
Charlie raised his eyes to mine, serious.
"What I'm trying to get at is … Bella can take care of herself but … there's always going to be people trying to take advantage of her."
I started to realize what he was trying to say and cut him off.
"I would never do anything –"
"Not you," he interrupted me, shaking his head. "Call it paternal instinct or a policeman's instinct, either way. I know you're not like that. Bella is old enough to decide who she wants to be with. It's not my business, but that doesn't keep me from worrying that she'll run into another Bob someday. And with you around, I worry that much less."
He got up, gave me a pat on the shoulder and repressed an "ow" when his hand encounter my stone flesh.
"Jesus Christ, he must work out. Or maybe I'm getting old."
"I'm going to try out the hospital coffee, see if it's as bad as the station's," he grumbled, disconcerted, as he left the room.
Charlie was not the type of person to pour out his feelings – even in his thoughts – but if I was reading between the lines correctly, I had just been given his blessing.
I snorted at myself, for until now I hadn't realized that a blessing was exactly what I needed. I had been human in another century, another time, in an era of different mores, and despite my lost humanity and the decades that had elapsed, in some ways I hadn't changed. I was old-school enough to need parental approval to pay court to Charlie's daughter with a clear conscience.
Two hours later most of the rest of my family showed up. I suspected that Alice had planned this visit to coincide with the time that Charlie and Renee were on the ground floor dealing with paperwork.
Although I was touched by their presence, I blocked the door. "She's sleeping," I said.
Alice looked at her watch. "No, I'm right on time. She will wake up in 3, 2, 1 …"
Bella's eyelids fluttered open. I resumed my place at her bedside as she slowly returned to wakefulness.
Emmett barged into the room with an enormous bouquet. He must have cleaned out the florist.
"Hey, mummy," he exclaimed cheerfully in seeing all of Bella's bandages.
Completely alert now, Bella was surprised but enchanted. "Hi, Emmett. That smells good … flowers?"
"Yep."
He took one of them and laid it next to her hand so she could feel its texture.
Esme followed my brother in, and in a very maternal gesture, kissed Bella's forehead. "How do you feel, dear?"
"Esme, hello," she breathed, even more delighted. "I feel fine, I assure you" - which was untrue because she repressed a grimace at her least movement.
"You gave us a real fright," said my father, leaning against the door frame.
"Fortunately, Edward brought her back to us," my mother added, glancing at me in affection.
I winced in an embarrassment that ceded to wonder when I felt warm fingers search out mine.
"Yes, he brought me back," my moon murmured with barely concealed tenderness.
I entwined my fingers with hers as my family watched avidly. There were a lot of things being said silently with this contact.
Alice moved to the foot of Bella's bed, vibrating with excitement. "You have such a pretty blue cast!" As always, she was loquacious. "Later you're going to have a stunning splint.. It'll look like a work of modern art. I picked it out. All the other students will be envious and will want to break their own leg to get one."
Bella's face lighted up. My chiming sound of my sister's chatter always delighted her.
"I'm so glad you're here. Are you all here, actually?"
The word "all" always meant for Bella my entire family, except Rosalie.
"Almost. Jasper can't be in a hospital. Injuries everywhere equal blood everywhere, you know?" Alice said.
"Yes, of course."
"He asked me to tell you that he tips his hat to you for managing to trick him at the airport," Alice said a little petulantly.
"Oh… I'm really sorry to have left you there," Bella replied, remorseful. "It was stupid. Especially since it turned out to be completely useless since my mother –"
"Don't worry about it. James fooled us all."
Esme stroked her cheek. "What matters is that it all worked out."
After depositing his bouquet – his walking garden, rather – on the windowsill, Emmett came next to me. "Rosalie says get well soon," he announced.
"Huh, really?"
"Yes, really. Well, she didn't say that exactly. What she said was, "The Swan girl better get well soon because otherwise Edward will be unbearable.'"
I smacked my brother in the back of his head. He truly didn't need to say that.
"Ow! You're so sensitive!" he complained with a shove to my shoulder.
Bella had learned to not take offense at Rosalie's attitude. She even repressed a giggle at hearing us squabble, which caused a new spasm of pain.
"Stop your silliness. Don't agitate her," my mother reprimanded us.
Bella shook her head indulgently and changed the subject.
"So, now that it's just us, can you tell me what really happened? How did you find me? How did you get me back to Forks? I don't remember anything after Edward's … intervention."
The rest of my family gave her the story, starting with when she left Jasper and Alice. I contented myself with holding her hand and caressing her fingers at the most painful parts of their account.
"So Jasper the Hacker struck again?" she joked.
"For 18 hours, you were Josephine Ferguson, daughter of Nathan Ferguson Sr., respected plastic surgeon from Vancouver on vacation with his daughter in Arizona," Alice bragged.
"Cool!"
Bella's smile then vanished, replaced by a serious expression. "Thank you. Really, thank you very much."
"For what?" Emmett asked.
"For saving me, of course."
"Like that was some big chore that requires thanks!" Alice said in exasperation.
"Bella, you're practically a member of the family now. We protect our own," Esme said, laying a hand on her shoulder.
That touched Bella greatly, and me as well. Still, I silently vowed to myself that Bella would never again be in a situation where she had to be protected from a killer.
"We're the ones who should be thanking you!" Emmett said, laughing loudly. "Jasper and I never have had so much fun!"
His laugh turned sadistic as he remembered just how he and Emmett took care of James.
"Spare her the details, will you?" I grumbled.
My request was as much for me as for Bella, because what I saw of those details made me frustrated. I wished I had had the satisfaction of tearing James apart.
Carlisle shooed us all from the room when he saw that Bella was fighting to stay awake. Everyone, that is, except me.
I found myself once more alone with my beloved, but once more sleep took her too quickly for us to talk.
The gods were conspiring against us, for there wasn't a single instance in the four days that followed in which I could speak with her. Either she was asleep or she had other visitors. Even Angela showed up. And her mother, exuberant, enthusiastic and a bit crazy, monopolized her.
I didn't spend much time with her mother (my lenses dissolved quickly and I had to leave often to replace them) but our conversation were instructive. Her mind was very interesting. I understood how Bella had managed to accept her blindness – Renee was relentlessly optimistic and upbeat, which had no doubt greatly influenced her daughter.
The strange, intimidating beauty of my family didn't unnerve her for long. Renee had no trouble establishing a rapport with my mother. And she and Alice were thick as thieves, voluble and over the top.
The fifth day, Bella was given clearance to leave the hospital. She was ready; she hated hospitals. She was even eager to return to class (because, of course, being such a model student she wanted to catch up on her work even if she was stuck in bed).
I escorted Bella, leg encased in the brace, to her room under her father's watchful eye. Even now I couldn't be alone with Bella. Renee, with Bella's encouragement, was going to return to Jacksonville that night, so she was going to spend the rest of day with her daughter.
Renee was entertaining, but tiring, and Bella fell asleep as soon as her mother left her room to head to the airport.
Renee took me aside before her departure to give me a warning. "Be careful, young man. Bella is like her father. It's been 16 years since I've left and Charlie is still on his own. I feel guilty sometimes, but, well … He's turned the page, you know, but he hasn't written any new chapters, you see what I mean? Bella is the same. She's the sort of person who'll fall in love only once, so don't break her heart."
Break her heart? If Renee only knew! I was committed for eternity.
I reassured Renee while trying not to sound like a fatalist. I couldn't tell her that I would love Bella until her death, and that her death would be mine as well.
Renee's warning both shook me and reassured me. Perhaps Bella would love me longer that I had expected ….
I had to leave the house when Renee did. I couldn't stay there with Bella while Charlie drove his ex-wife to the airport. I might have Charlie's tacit blessing, but he had limits. And I wanted to keep in his good graces.
That didn't keep me from climbing into Bella's room in the middle of the night. Watching her sleep was a habit I could never give up.
I went to my usual spot: the rocking chair. I was glad to be back here. I detested hospitals as much as Bella did. This nocturnal visit was like all the ones I had made before. There was something reassuring in taking up my old routine – everything was returning to normal, Bella's life would soon be as it was before, she would recover and James would be just a distant memory.
I froze when I heard her groan. She shifted and her hand reached for the bedside table, where a glass of water and painkillers sat. The combined pain of her cracked ribs and broken leg had disturbed her sleep. Bella took analgesics often at night in the hospital; I should have known that her return home didn't mean that her suffering was gone.
And in any case, the memory of James was still very fresh …
I clenched my fists in my effort to remain motionless and not attract her attention.
Bella yawned, took some pills and let her head fall back on her pillow, already on her way back to sleep.
I relaxed when I heard her slow breaths: she was sleeping.
"Edward?"
I froze again. A shiver ran down my spine.
Had her mental shield miraculously lowered again? Was I hearing her mind call for me?
"Are you here?"
No. I had made a miscalculation. She wasn't sleeping at all.
Bella sat up, slowly, painfully.
She was waiting for an answer.