Day 1109

Arizona was going through the procedure again to mentally prepare herself for the upcoming surgery, when she was somehow caught in a daze as she saw Amelia looking right across her from the table, with the most captivating smile.

Something about the way Amelia was looking at her piqued her curiosity, it was only right to ask, "What is it?"

"You were amazing back there with Michael. I wouldn't have been able to explain the procedure better than you."

Michael was an eight-year-old kid, who needed an appendectomy. As any normal kid or grown adult would feel, Michael was definitely afraid of getting the surgery done.

Despite that, Arizona had been quick enough to tell him that it was valid to be scared. But she also assured him that he wouldn't have to, knowing he'd be in good hands. Arizona had been patient enough to explain to him why it was necessary in getting removed and was more than happy enough to entertain all questions or doubts he may have had before they operated on him.

Arizona held his hand as they made their way to the OR room, and even right before he woke up.

She was always the one who was willing to go to great lengths in providing the best care for her patients, and that was something Amelia admired about her.

"I think you'll do well in peds," Amelia said wholeheartedly.

It came as a surprise to Arizona. Not when she thought maybe she was a great fit for general surgery. Then again, she had been getting involved in a handful of peds cases lately, parents fully trusted her, kids loved her — and just maybe, just maybe she could see herself in peds.

"You think so?" Arizona asked, eyes boring deeply into Amelia as the brunette made her way to where she sat, never breaking eye contact. She sat right on the blonde's lap, facing her — a smirk painting across her face, followed by a smile.

Arizona couldn't help herself, and so she held Amelia's face in between her hands - cupping her cheeks. She pressed her forehead against hers, leaning slowly to capture her lips.

Amelia sighed against her lips, pulling back slowly as she bit her bottom lip, entranced as she looked down at her. The light from the desk lamp made her eyes gleam, and Arizona could already feel her heartbeat speeding up.

Amelia leaned closer, and ran a hand on her jaw before saying, "A few years from now, when we decide to have kids of our own — and if and when one of them gets sick, I wouldn't have the need to rack my brain up stressing and losing my shit about how to deal with it, knowing I have you with me."

Arizona brushed the hair out of her face, tucking the loose strands of hair behind Amelia's ear, trying to dampen the feeling of how Amelia's comment was slowly doing things to her - making her want to do silly somersaults in the air. She couldn't be more in love with her no matter how hard she tried.

"You see a future with me?"

Amelia laughed, as she bent down to kiss her again. "Who else would it be?"

Arizona barely just got out of surgery, when she received a page from April.

A 911 at the emergency room. That prompted her to run as fast as she could, grabbing a scrub suit and some surgical gloves on the way.

When she reached the pit, she did a quick scan of the area and saw an agitated April practically on her knees as she was speaking to what seemed like a child laying on the gurney, crying. Her heart skipped a beat as she stepped closer and saw that it was no other than Scout with a deep gash on his forehead, practically bleeding — and in tears. His body wouldn't stop itself from trembling, as he was trying to get out of the gurney while April did her best to calm him down.

"April, I got your page —" she spoke with urgency, and before she knew it, Scout lurched forward and broke free from April's arms as he enclosed his arms around Arizona's. His hold was strong and palpable like he'd known her forever, and it broke Arizona's heart to see him this way.

But before anything else, she had to act like the doctor that she was and gave Scout a quick assessment.

"Hey, what happened to you?" She placed her hand on the back of his head, the other wrapped around his waist, and carried him so she could lay him back down on the bed. She skimmed her fingers across his flushed cheeks, wiping his tears. When Arizona noticed a deep cut on his forehead, she went out to reach for it with her hand but was eventually stopped by Scout.

"It hurts," he managed to say in between his sobs, "Only Mommy. She knows what to do." Scout whimpered, swatting Arizona's hands away gently.

April gave Arizona a pointed look, knowing exactly what that meant. Arizona shifted her gaze back to Scout, taking a seat in the empty space beside him. "I know, sweetie. But I promise I'll take good care of you, the same way Mommy would treat this wound that you have here." She promised, placing a sterile gauze over the entire wound.

She was quick to notice as well that the cut wasn't as deep as she thought it would be, which was a good sign. Meaning no stitches were needed, but she also ordered a head CT scan just to be sure. Arizona turned around to look for Amelia, and when she was nowhere to be found — she looked for April instead, sharing a quick glance.

Arizona cleared her throat, applying pressure to the wound as she kept her focus back on Scout, "Where's Amelia?"

"She's already on her way. Scout tripped over a rock while playing with Harriet earlier in school." April explained, assisting Arizona in treating Scout's wound. Scout eventually caved in, probably due to exhaustion from crying as his body relaxed, and watched intently instead as Arizona took over, using the palm of her hand in keeping the gauze steady while she applied the same amount of pressure.

Arizona nodded, letting out a sigh of relief as she sat with Scout, giving a small smile to provide assurance. "I'll handle this. Can you stand by and wait for Amelia at the entrance? Scout would surely want someone holding his hand before we get him to CT."

April nodded, giving one last smile to Scout, and left, leaving Arizona and Scout alone.

Scout frowned, putting a hand on Arizona's free arm to give it a light squeeze, calling her attention. "Will I need surgery?" He asked, tilting his head - bright blue eyes seeking answers. Arizona was definitely impressed that Scout was familiar with how surgery worked, but she was also not surprised by the thought given her Mom was also a doctor. One of the best.

"Wow, not only are you brave — but you're also a very smart kid, you know that?" Arizona asked, smiling. The blonde used her other free hand to run a hand across his hair, easing his worry from settling in. "Thankfully, you wouldn't need to undergo surgery, little man, but I'm going to do a little x-ray on your head just to be sure. Do you know what that is?"

"Yes, kind of like taking a picture, right?" Scout grinned, leaning into Arizona's touch. "Mommy told me."

Arizona laughed, poking at his nose in amusement. "Yes, exactly."

They both sat in silence as Arizona did the work when Scout opened his mouth to say something again. Small hands reached out to tug at the sleeves of her collar as she crouched down on the gurney to maintain her eye level with him. "Will you be there when they take my picture, Arizona?"

Yes.

She'd do anything for Scout in a heartbeat. Arizona had easily decided on that. She was grateful that Scout fully trusted her enough to even touch him, and have her stand by next to him while his mom was away. So pretty much, yes — she'd be happy to be with Scout even if it wasn't even necessary for Arizona to even be there at the radiology department anymore.

Before she could even respond, she heard Amelia frantically calling for Scout's name from behind, running towards them. She stopped in her tracks when Arizona turned around, and she realized that it was actually her who was at her son's bedside. "Scout, thank god."

She stood by him on the other side of the gurney, being careful in giving a quick kiss on his cheek, as Arizona was still occupied covering the wound with the gauze in her hand. She stood up, allowing more space for Amelia to sit right next to Scout on the other side of the gurney.

Being in the same space with them, made Arizona feel as though she was invading their privacy. She couldn't do anything but stand by to watch them instead, hand still locked and secured right into Scout's head since she was still also not allowed to remove or change the pressure on her hand for the next five minutes or so

"I'm okay, Mommy," Scout reassured, feeling a bit better now that Amelia was on her side now. Arizona couldn't seem to wipe the smile off her face, being a witness to how brave Scout had been.

"I'm so happy that you're okay, I'm sorry if I was late —" she held his hand on her own, rubbing them slowly. Looking as if she was beating herself up for something that was uncontrollable, definitely no one's fault. Amelia looked as if her body was still in complete shock, it was all pretty evident based on how her lip quivered, and how her eyes shone with tears refusing to fall. Arizona briefly looked away, not knowing what to do.

She had to at least say something right?

"It's okay, Arizona took care of me." Scout pointed at Arizona, grinning widely — he looked back at Amelia, nodding his head in excitement. "She's a superhero. Just like you, Mommy."

Amelia swiftly shifted her direction back to Arizona, which made Arizona slightly pull away realizing how close they were sitting to each other around Scout. The movement made Amelia wince, and Arizona wished she could have done better - because now was not the right time to feel indifferent. Not in front of Scout.

"Thank you for looking after Scout." Amelia went on to say, pulling a forced, hesitant smile. Arizona only managed to swallow hard, as she nodded — not knowing what to do with her free hand.

She was usually the one who would hold her hand when Amelia was in the middle of self-doubting, or when she was anxious about something. But things were entirely different now, Amelia and her are no longer existent and her hand was no longer hers to hold.

This was the closest they could get.

"Scout's a superhero, himself. Battled it like exactly just like one, didn't you?" she looked back at Scout, giving her a wink.

Amelia smiled at that, as she also gave a quick observation of what transpired. She assessed the gauze Arizona was holding, grateful that the blood was not soaking through it. "You ordered a head CT?" Amelia asked.

Of course.

She was not sure if Arizona was allowed to even say it, but god she missed seeing Amelia in her element. She loved it then when she was in her doctor mode, loved it all the more when she would make that face when she would squint too hard, and when she would press her lips together when she was thinking.

Kind of the look that she was giving now. Stop.

Not her place anymore. She wasn't supposed to care. Got it.

"Yes, I did. I figured you would want to be there when he gets the CT done, yeah?" She asked. Arizona quickly looked down to check her watch, relieved to know that five minutes had already passed and the bleeding from the cut had already stopped.

Arizona did the necessary steps by covering the wound with a sterile adhesive bandage, trying to be too careful so as to not make Scout worry more. "I think you're all set. I'll have one of our residents—"

"No! Only you." Scout pleaded, tiny hands grabbing hold of Arizona's sleeve. "I want you to be the one to take my picture."

"Scout, Dr. Robbins has other patients to attend to —" Amelia explained in a gentle manner, but Scout had been persistent. He shook his head hard, pulling on Arizona's hand even more.

"I want you to do it," Scout peered his head up, practically begging — and Arizona had to squeeze her eyes momentarily because he was giving the same look that Amelia used to give her then when she wanted something so badly. "Arizona, can you do it, please?"

And now, it turned out she was also shitty at saying no even to Amelia's son.

Besides, who could say no to that face? Scout would definitely want a familiar face on his side, and not some other resident to do the work — her scheduled surgery was moved back anyway. So of course, it was a yes. She'd be happy to do it for Scout.

"Of course. Let's go get that picture."

There was an uncomfortable silence that fell upon them while they sat together in the observation room.

It was just them and Arizona felt nauseous to be sitting this close to Amelia, like no time passed between them. Amelia had an unreadable expression imprinted on her face, fingers fidgeting against the table — she didn't even have to ask why, of course, she was still worried. They were both waiting for the scans to come out, and there was nothing they could do but sit still.

Amelia decided to break the barrier though when she suddenly spoke.

"I've always thought you belonged in peds." She affirmed, looking back at Arizona — meeting her gaze. Arizona lets out a breath she had been withholding since she sat close to Amelia, staring back deeply.

Arizona looked away, thinking that staring too long would burn her. She detached herself, keeping her composure as she looked back at the monitor instead, waiting for the scans to load. It was taking longer than usual, which sucked because Arizona really has no idea how to last another damn minute having some awkward small talk with her ex.

But Amelia's intentions had been nothing but good, too good and she definitely deserved to keep her mind off things, so yes.

Yes, she could put everything behind for now and engage in small conversations with Amelia, if she had to.

"I never thought I'd made it this far," All thanks to you. Arizona admitted, the sentiment somehow opened an old wound, thinking that she managed to survive med school only because Amelia left her. It somehow provided her the motivation to work harder, given that her career then was pretty much the only thing she had left, and fucking that up too was not an option anymore.

Arizona figured she never was really meant to have the best of both worlds. She couldn't have a successful career without sacrificing that one and only thing that mattered to her. But despite the circumstances, though, Arizona surely didn't outgrow herself empty-handed.

Hell, she became the youngest chief of peds across the entire state. Parents flew to Seattle to have their kids treated by her. She had bagged countless recognition and grants here and there and earned a reputable name as a surgeon.

Yet it was all uncanny though — to have everything but to still feel this empty .

"I look for you, you know." Amelia nodded to herself as she carried on, interrupting her thoughts. Arizona could do nothing but blink back, biting the inside of her cheek to reprimand her from saying anything else. Somehow the thought of Amelia looking for her seemed oddly satisfying. "I used to search your name on the internet, just so I know what you're doing with your life."

The brunette squared her shoulders, as she locked eyes with Arizona. The feeling was all too well, foreign yet familiar — as if it was them falling right back into old habits. She could feel the warmth radiating on Amelia's skin when she accidentally bumped her arm with that of hers as they were forced to sit closer in the small cramped observation room. It stung. The feeling made it all difficult for Arizona to breathe, but oh how willing she was to repeat the movement again, just so she could have another excuse to hold her.

"The results always turn out impressive, and I'm so happy to see how you've come this far," Amelia said it in the most genuine way, and god forbid it made her emotional. "It helps me sleep better at night, knowing you're out there doing something amazing."

Ten years.

They hadn't talked in years.

Amelia used to be her person, the only one she'd ever known, the only one she ever loved. And no amount of crying or recognition she'd ever get in her career could make the weight on her chest feel lighter. Nothing could ever compensate for the feeling of losing Amelia.

But Amelia was exactly where she belonged, and so was Arizona — and that should be enough.

So she nodded solemnly instead, keeping her feelings at bay as she whispered a small thanks, because now? Now wasn't exactly about her, or them — it hadn't been, for the past ten years.

"I still owe you that coffee from last week," Amelia responded on what seemed like an impulse. The brunette's eyes widened as her breath evened out at how it sounded more like a demand than an offer to Arizona.

Arizona in return, clenched her jaw tight for a moment before taking a deep breath. Getting involved with Amelia again was a bad idea. It was counterproductive to even start anything that would involve her, knowing that she was setting herself up in getting her heart broken again. She couldn't afford that. Not anymore. Not ever again.

She heaved a sigh of relief when the scans finally loaded into the screen. She reviewed it carefully, before tilting the monitor to Amelia's direction to give her a view as well.

The results turned out to be normal.

Thank God.

She heard Amelia draw a short breath in solace, as Arizona stood up, willing herself to not be drawn back to her seat again by Amelia's scent before saying, "You don't owe me anything, Amelia."

Arizona left before she could even watch the way Amelia made sense of her response.

It was the truth.

Arizona was already finishing off the papers to discharge Scout when she felt someone tug at her lab coat. She didn't even have to think twice about who it was, given that she could also smell Amelia's scent not too far behind.

The thought made her smile, as she turned around and swooped Scout right from the floor, carrying him into her arms. The abrupt movement earned a giggle from Scout, putting all his weight in one arm as she used the other to run a hand across his forehead. "How's my little man? Does it still hurt?" She asked.

Scout showed a toothy grin, as he happily proclaimed that it wasn't as painful anymore as it had been a few hours ago. He leaned the side of his head on the crook of her neck, one hand being wrapped across her shoulder to steady himself while Arizona carried him.

She watched as Amelia stepped into their space, giving out an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry about this— but this is how Scout usually is when he likes someone."

I know, because you used to do the same thing to me.

"It's okay. I really don't mind." Arizona assured her, holding Scout closer to her chest — she couldn't help it really, who was she to turn down someone as lovable as Scout? In her line of work, it was already normal to form a deeper bond with the kids, but Scout stood out. He didn't have to be her patient for Arizona to have an excuse to get close to him, and it was — a breath of fresh air.

To have someone she could treat as a friend, and not a patient.

"Arizona will you help me fix Mr. Flemmings, too?"

She frowned at that, the name coming off as unfamiliar as she could hardly remember April bringing up a certain Mr. Flemmings when she paged her for Scout.

Before she could even ask, Amelia interrupted her thoughts as she then explained that Mr. Flemmings was her stuffed sloth and the one that he had been carrying when he tripped over the rock earlier. The stuffed sloth must have absorbed all the impact when Scout fell when Amelia pulled it out of his school bag and Arizona noticed that the stuffed toy was now practically cut wide open — with half of the foam spilling out right in the middle.

Amelia told Scout that she'd be the one to sew Mr. Flemmings back together, but Scout was gripping Arizona's arms tighter — wanting her to do it instead.

Again, how could she say no?

She had time to spare, and she wouldn't mind spending that with Scout — so that was how the three of them ended up in Arizona's office. Scout settled comfortably on her couch, watching as how Arizona playfully placed Mr. Flemmings in a clean towel, laid atop her desk. She pulled out a suture kit from her drawer, as she prepared to sew the stuffed sloth back in place.

"Arizona, you honestly don't have to—"

"It's okay." She gave Scout a pointed look in teasing, "We wouldn't want to leave the hospital without treating Mr. Flemmings, right Scout?"

Scout only managed to yelp in excitement, giving a thumbs-up while she observed Arizona get into complete surgeon mode. She pulled the large suture needle out of the kit, eyes searching for Amelia's. "Dr. Shepherd, would you do me a favor by getting the pack of cotton balls in the drawer behind you?"

Amelia was pulled out in a trance, probably surprised that Arizona was the one to initiate a conversation with her for the first time since they met each other again. "Right, hold on, give me a sec." She rummaged through the drawer behind her, easily spotting the fresh pack of cotton balls Arizona was looking for.

Amelia took it in her hand, then hastily made her way to where Arizona and Scout were. Their hands briefly made contact with each other, as she handed the pack to her.

Arizona had been quick enough to dismiss the thought of how it made her chest pound harder.

"Why would we need this for?" Scout asked, and both Amelia and Arizona shared a glance with one another, both deeply amused by Scout's curiosity.

"Remember what I told you about how important blood flow is to humans?" Amelia asked to which Scout only nodded. Arizona stood in silence, as she watched them with intent — genuinely invested in how Amelia managed to explain the similar functions of blood for humans, and that something so simple as cotton could be an alternative to replace the foam lost from Scout's stuffed sloth.

Amelia happily took over, as she opened the fresh pack and asked Scout if she could help her stuff some cotton inside Mr. Flemmings before Arizona would patch him up. It seemed as if it was a tough job from anyone's perspective, but Amelia managed to explain it well for Scout to understand, effortlessly.

They spent a couple of minutes stitching Mr. Flemmings up, to which at some point — Scout had already fallen asleep on her couch, which left both Amelia and Arizona working together alone — like old times.

"Dr. Robbins, would you mind closing up for me?" Amelia asked, looking back to where Arizona stood, giving a smile. And Arizona swore she almost lost it at how she was being hit back with a wave of nostalgia. When they would be tasked to operate in the same case, and how Arizona would often find Amelia looking back at her, smiling through her mask.

It was more than enough to make herself fall even harder on Amelia then. The look that she was giving now hits home, and she knew it was possible to combust right at that very second.

The operation for Michael was a success, and Arizona couldn't have been more proud that she was able to share the moment with Amelia.

Dr. Miller was more than satisfied by Arizona's work, as Amelia assisted and just as they were about to scrub out, Miller called for Arizona's name, "Dr. Robbins, would you mind closing up for me?"

Amelia turned around to meet Arizona's gaze – smiling hard through her mask, followed by a thumbs-up being briefly waved in the air. God, Arizona was so fucking happy she could actually cry.

Nothing could beat the moment of getting out of a successful surgery and having the love of her life at her side.

Being in this moment made her realize that just maybe, she could have the best of both worlds.

She could have a successful career if she wanted and have the love of her life with her.

She didn't want to let that go.

Why wait now?

Why would she let this opportunity slip past her now?

Amelia was literally right there, right where she wanted, and Arizona seemed as if she was at the peak of her career - not exactly there to the extent she and Amelia hoped for, but there were some major improvements there compared to how she was a few months back.

And so, it was decided — that night, she was going to propose to Amelia.

"Dr. Robbins, would you mind closing up for me?"

Arizona was pulled out from the memory when Amelia repeated the question again to her — and like a dam that just broke, something about it made her distance herself.

Fuck.

She thought she was over it, she thought she could do this - be civil, to move forward, but the pain was still there. Right in front of her face. She was again slapped by the reality of what she almost had.

The memory was still ingrained in her mind and she was afraid that it was something she'd still carry with her even on her deathbed.

There had been no one else but Amelia.

That was how much she loved her.

Years have passed, and pretty sure up until now, Arizona couldn't see herself with anyone else but Amelia. It was pathetic how she couldn't move past this. It was unfair for Amelia and Scout that she was still reeling into it all over again.

She used to be so damn better than this.

Everytime she closed her eyes, old memories only did nothing but haunt her. Reminding her of what she lost, of how alone she was now — how a decade has already passed and she still couldn't see through no one but this one person who left her.

"Arizona, are you okay?" Amelia asked, growing more concerned now as her smile faded. She took a step forward to reach out, but Arizona instinctively pulled back. The movement made Amelia flinch, and she never looked this sad — eyes were quick to turn red and a little swollen now, she looked so defeated. Amelia reached for the pendant on her necklace, as she toyed with it with her hands. It was the old habit Amelia used to have when she was uneasy, and the gesture made Arizona sick.

She hated how everything was still too familiar to her, how she still knew everything about her.

Arizona shuddered in disapproval, running a hand in her hair. She hates herself for never being over it. She paused for a moment, deciding on what to say until they were interrupted by someone calling from her phone.

Their gaze broke apart as they both peered down at the phone sitting atop Arizona's desk, the name of Brooke Reed flashing through her screen.

Amelia looked back up, meeting her eyes — a stern expression etched on her face, lips being set in a firm line.

Arizona swallowed hard, contemplating if she should answer it — not with Amelia looking at her differently as if she did something wrong. But fuck it, she took the phone greedily in her hand, to which Amelia only snorted in response.

"You would answer her, but not me?" She lets out a humorless laugh, shaking her head, as she went back again to pick the needle — taking the initiative to do the closing for the stuffed sloth herself. "She had just gotten out of a divorce. I'm assuming you met her in school, right? She's one of the moms— and now she wants you?"

Arizona wrung her hands, deep in thought as she tried to reason with her, "Amelia—"

"Forget it, that was uncalled for." Amelia simply said, looking down for a moment before continuing, "I-I don't even know why I even said that. I know nothing about Brooke, nor do I even give a damn about her." She clarified, with a shake of her head — hands digging deeper into both sides of her pocket uncomfortably.

"Maybe I just reached a point where I badly wanted you to ask me how I've been instead. I'm the one who's literally right here, aren't I? But I'm also someone who's also hopelessly pathetic, so let's just… " She added, eyes empty while she pulled up another forced smile. Arizona swallowed hard, forcing down a bitter taste that already formed in her mouth. She never did ask about her since they'd seen each other again for the first time in ten years. Which was unfair on her part to do, but also —

Knowing and learning about what Amelia had been up to since they broke up could absolutely kill her. This was the exact reason why she never asked. It was better this way. Seeing her now was already enough. She didn't have to get into the details.

Amelia inhaled deeply, looking exhausted — she looked back at a peaceful Scout sleeping on Arizona's couch, and back to Arizona's eyes. Her shoulders sagged as she leaned her head back, eyes shutting closed. "Look, I know how much I've hurt you, and I know I would never be able to win back your trust ever again." Amelia licked her lips, and dark blue eyes finally opened — looking right at Arizona deeply.

"But ten years ago, we were together. We loved each other, and believe it or not, I did picture a life with you — and no one but you. I'm not expecting you to treat me the same way as before, but god I just wished…"

Amelia kept interrupting herself, she couldn't find the right words - she was thinking, deciding if she even earned the right to be this way.

Thick silence fell upon them, while Amelia breathed heavily. It was evident that she was willing herself not to cry, and Arizona gets it. She was trying hard not to as well. Amelia decided to keep herself occupied, as she finished up, putting the stuffed slot back in Scout's backpack.

"If this is how we'll ever be every time we unexpectedly see each other, then maybe it's best if we don't acknowledge each other at all anymore." Amelia's voice faltered as she turned to her. "That way, I wouldn't have to keep trying, and you'd no longer have to keep pretending for me."

Arizona felt something slamming hard into her chest.

Blinking hard in confusion if that was what she wanted - to have none of Amelia at all, anymore, again.

A week ago, Arizona was sure this was all she would pretty much ask of her, but now that she said all these words, and knowing somewhere down the line — Amelia tried, and looked for her, had been silently celebrating her wins behind her back, someone who genuinely cared about her, and with Scout now in the picture... was this still what she wanted?

Arizona never was really given time to come to a decision, when Amelia silenced her thoughts — apparent to wanting to leave now, more than ever, "Thank you again for looking after Scout," Amelia said instead, slinging the backpack on her wrist, while she picked up a still sleeping Scout to her arms.

And just like that, Amelia left.

With the phone still ringing in her hand.

Arizona never felt this lost

So again, what was it that she really wanted from Amelia?