Chapter 7: Taking care of the trash.

The days passed, and I had become accustomed to this new lifestyle: training, raids to other planets to trade or steal wealth and technology, visits to the secret facilities of Li Shou and Hephaestus, and the occasional visit to the best brothels in the city. Who like me?

One, two, three...

— "Lucians to the left, Hard Drive! Take care of them! I'll get the ship!"

— Whatever you say, boss. Eat electricity, you idiots! -after attacking them with strong electric shocks, all the Lucians were lying on the ground; unconscious or dead. I smiled with satisfaction- All clear. -I spoke into a communicator-

— "Excellent, Hard Drive. We've got the loot: let's get off this planet."

Four, five, six...

— "Ten more, Hard Drive! Lift that bar!"

— It's... too heavy... boss...

— "Lift it up: that's an order. Show me how strong you've become."

— I'll... try...

— "Don't try: DO IT."

Seven, Eight, Nine...

— Shit: I missed on that hit.

— "You need to buff up, Hard Drive: that way you'll never be able to take on Swat Brats, let alone a Jaffa in a melee."

— Swat Brats, haha! Good one, boss.

— "I have my moments."

— You're right: let's get on with the practice.

— "Let's try it again. And this time, try to do better."

Ten, eleven, twelve...

— Wow... -said the woman next to me, exhaling smoke from her cigarette- If I had known you were so hot, I would have given you a discount.

— Electrifying is the word, babe.

— I always thought you were a poor bastard. -she stroked her fingers down my body, past my neck, past my pecs and down to my navel- But I see I was wrong.

— Would you like another sample of the great Hard Drive?

— If you're as good or better than the first one, I won't charge you, lover boy.

The criminal life is not easy; I've known that since I was a teenager. You need a brilliant mind, nerves of steel, a thirst for adrenaline and a twisted morality -or no morality at all- in order to succeed in that underworld of society. Unfortunately for me, I only possessed -half-heartedly- the first quality: I was quite cowardly, I wasn't that fond of danger and, although I'm ashamed to admit it, I was quite a soft touch with respect to other criminals. The only thing I had in my favor was an above-average intelligence, my knowledge of electronics and a great ambition for wealth and power.

Of course, that wasn't enough to have a prominent place among the biggest criminals in a city like Megakat, and even more so when at the top of said food pyramid of the criminal underworld was someone like Dark Kat, whom no one -criminal at least- dared to question or mess with his business.

No one... until Li Shou came along. Or rather, Lee Shu.

Although he had activities all over Phellus, his riches were immense and he had no need to do so, my boss decided, some time before recruiting me, to form his own mafia group here in Megakat whose sole purpose, apart from giving him tiny profits from extortion, drug and arms trafficking -which would end up in my paws as a tip I wouldn't refuse-, was to gradually replace Dark Kat's influence without him noticing. In addition to his personal entertainment, or as he himself would say, "like playing GTA, but in real life."

"GTA: Megakat City" ... Hahahaha ... It would be a good video game.

Although it sounded like a fun idea, I questioned some points of his idea, such as the case of his identity being revealed -Lenny's, of course- or that he used an alias so similar to his real name. He said he had it all covered: he always wore a mask -retractable-, a voice distorter and did not let anyone see him uncovered, on pain of being killed. His name was beginning to be known among the Enforcers almost as a rumor, and a growing nuisance to Dark Kat, but no one knew anything about him.

Luckily.

There was also another problem: villains. Megakat City was the closest metropolis to the gate, but also the epicenter of all the weirdness happening on our planet, something that was a blessing to keep Li Shou's activities undercover... but at the same time, put them in danger. In addition to maintaining his center of operations here, Li Shou considered Megakat his home, and while the Enforcers and the Swat Kats acted as temporary janitors, such muggers as the Pastmaster, the Metallikats and Dr. Viper were a minor nuisance to be dealt with on a permanent basis; in the case of Dark Kat, he claimed to already have special plans for him, but that they would come as a surprise.

One of those moments would come one day when we were inspecting the progress of our Asgard Core replica: Hephaestus was in another star system taking care of other projects, but he and Li Shou had done an excellent job in building such a replica that my boss was already using, although not to its full potential.

— "We'd need a couple more raids on the Oddysey to get all the data."

— I'll go as soon as you say so, boss.

— "Keep calm, Kevin: that won't be necessary for the time being. First I must make sure of my larvae hatcheries scattered all over the planet and my covert operatives in the spheres of power: if all goes well, Phellus will be under my command in two years."

— No offense... but I find it hard to believe that there are kats willing to have one of your congeners on the brain.

— "Lenny isn't the only one unhappy with his life, Kevin; promise them academic and athletic success, as well as fame and power, and they'll take anything. Had I met you earlier, I would have offered it to you."

— I guess.

— "Besides: my larvae are genetically programmed to cooperate with the host the same way I do with Lenny."

— Changing the theme, did you hear? Feral's niece made it to the rank of lieutenant within the Enforcers; smells like rank nepotism to me, but what do you know, what do you think?

— "A woman of strong character... and good curves." -smiled Li Shou in a perverted way- "The only bad thing is the cretin she has for a relative."

— Sounds like you want to sleep with her.

— "Lenny too, and I can't blame him. Maybe someday..."

The television screen in the lair turned on immediately: it did so whenever a serious emergency occurred in Megakat, something Li Shou had programmed in case he was concentrating on his work. On this occasion, Ann Gora was reporting serious flooding in the city downtown and the sighting of numerous mutants; in the scenes, strange pods could be seen growing around the buildings.

It didn't take a genius to know the identity of the responsible party.

— "He's becoming a nuisance." -Li Shou growled; his eyes flashed in anger briefly- "Hard Drive, could you bring him to the lair?"

— Excuse me?

— "It's more than obvious that those stupid Swat Kats are going to show up to "save the day", defeat Viper, leave him lying around and gloat about their victory while he takes the opportunity to run away like the cowardly vermin he is. BRING IT ON. Whatever."

— May I use the Tel'tak?

— "You have my permission; just avoid getting caught."

— Trust me.

I took the Tel'tak and flew immediately to the downtown area to hunt down that lizard. I had already devised a plan on the way: fly with the camouflage activated, spot the mad scientist and after sneaking well, launch the Asgard teleportation microchip to bring him directly to the ship as soon as he was out of sight. It sounded easy, except that like his vermin, Viper was very slippery. A great fortune... so to speak, that when I found him, he was literally a Godzilla-like mutant monster attacking buildings near Enforcer HQ.

— Well... That'll make things easier for me. -I looked sideways at Viper- Yeah... keep bragging, you little shit lizard. While you can.

I landed the ship in a building very close to that monster, and without him noticing, I used a gun to fire the beacon and implant it in his neck. The cretin didn't notice: he was concentrating on bluffing and watching the Swat Kats arrive.

— It's about time, you pair of idiots: do your job so I can pick up your dirt.

I went back to the ship, walked away from there unnoticed, and landed it on the roof of another building: I waited while flipping through a porn magazine and watching the battle that was going on outside from time to time. Seeing the Turbokat hit the water and Razor firing at Viper from his ejector seat, I stopped what I was doing and approached carefully, landing back on a rooftop without being seen. There was no visual signal from Razor or Viper, but from the latter I had the beacon signal, indicating he was underwater: I activated the teleporter and great was my surprise to see him on the transporter rings, apparently unconscious... and something else that made me laugh with malevolence.

Li Shou once told me that one of the best things to do with enemies was to hide how good they were at their job. And clearly, the Swat Kats had done a good job today.

And they would never know it.

— Boss: Hard Drive here. Mission accomplished.

— "Excellent. Return to the lair immediately; I'll make preparations."

— There's just one small problem... -Li Shou asked me for an explanation- Let's just say... the Swat Kats literally killed two birds with one stone with this idiot.

— "I see... We'll solve it in the lair. I'll wait for you."

— Over and out.

After cutting the communication, I was about to return to the lair when my eyes strayed to a nearby building: T-Bone came out of the water carrying Razor and applied first aid to check that he hadn't drowned; the little Swat Kat soon spat out water and came to: soon after they were sitting on the ledge, chatting pleasantly as if nothing had happened. And these two are the heroes of Megakat? The center of the city flooded and they were standing there cheerfully as if they were drinking a beer in their backyard, really? What an embarrassment to be defeated by those jerks.

Even if professionally they were highly questionable. -giving Feral a thumbs up- that scene made me realize something I'd never realized before: that those pair of idiots weren't just teammates, but real friends, extremely close friends who would do anything for each other. I never had a friend like that before, except maybe... Lenny. I felt something inside me, envy? Jealousy? Maybe, but there was something else... something I didn't know how to describe very well.

I left them there while I went back to the lair. All I know is that from that moment on, I would never see T-Bone and Razor the same way again, and it wouldn't be long before I found out why.

Once in the lair, Li Shou left me in charge of our "guest" while he took care of the preparations to receive him. In short: I was left to babysit one of the most dangerous criminals in Megakat... which wasn't so bad considering he was unconscious and quite weakened. When he regained consciousness, slowly rising from his bed, visibly confused, I couldn't hide my joy at seeing him like that from a distance, so confused and pathetic.

— Morning, doc. Sleep well?

— Wh... where am I? What a weird place.

— In a subterranean lair: that's all I can tell you for now.

— Mmm... Wait, I know you. -He said as he stroked his head- You're Dark Kat's little lackey. I'm not going to be his prisoner!

Hearing him call me that idiot's "little lackey" infuriated me: I would have electrocuted him on the spot if my boss hadn't wanted him alive; that, and I enjoyed seeing him so helpless. Instead of showing my fury, I gave him a mocking smile that was clearly not to his liking.

— I didn't know you were a comedian, doc. I left Dark Krud months ago: now I have another employer. A much better one, and one who ordered me to bring you here.

— Now... I remember those useless Swat Kats got in the way of my plans. Razor's dwarf threw a missile at me when I had the anti-mutagen genes and...

— You got your ass kicked and fell in the water.

— Am I to assume you saved my life? -he growled indignantly- Why?

— "More like... I brought you back to life, Elrod."

I had to restrain the urge to laugh and look serious when Li Shou made an appearance: he was wearing black pants and a black jacket that went down to his waist, a tank top under the jacket, black boots, the silver Kara kesh on his left paw and of course, a mask. He looked more like a punk teenager than the leader of a criminal organization.

— "A pleasure to meet you, Dr. Purvis. My name is Lee Shu; you must have heard of me."

— You... you're this Lee Shu? -he turned to look at me- And you work for him?

— Yes, I do. You should feel honored to be in his presence.

— And what's with the silly mask? You look like a mere teenager in a costume!

— "I can assure you I'm much older than I look."

— And don't call me Purvis! I'm the great Dr. Viper!

— Have you seen yourself in the mirror, you idiot? And put some clothes on! Cover up your shame!

That idiot was furious when I insulted him, but after a few seconds of confusion, he understood the reason for my question, letting out a cry of horror, not to say whimpering: Dr. Viper was back to being the ordinary kat known as Elrod Purvis, not to say naked; he immediately grabbed his ratty robe and some pants we left him there, and covered himself with them.

— WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!

— "Not me: the Swat Kats... with the help of your stupidity. Apparently, you underestimated the effects of the anti-mutagen genes, and when you received them, you lost not only your giant mutation, but the original one." -Li Shou went on to explain- "And since you ended up unconscious after the attack, and you were no longer a lizard, you ended up drowning in the water, so I asked Hard Drive to bring your limp body back to revive you."

— THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

— "I'm a much more experienced biologist than you, Elrod: that device over there that you came out of…" -pointing to the Sarcophagus- "allowed me to bring you back to life. You can thank me... later. If our business goes well."

— If... if what you say is true... we could...

— "Work together? Forget it: I don't need potential traitors, and your knowledge is to me the same as play dough in a child's paws." -the former mutant growled indignantly, but unable to reply- "The only thing you have to offer me is your word."

— My word?

— "I possess a sample of the same mutagen that turned you into the slippery snake you so long to be again: it will be yours, if you promise not to meddle with my plans ever again. You can go on playing mad scientist and doing your school experiments on the poor homeless bastards of Megakat all you want; but if you ever do anything as idiotic as turning the city into a swamp again, I swear I'll track you down and kill you."

— And if I refuse? I could get the same mutagen from the Biochemical Laboratory without your help.

— "Tell me, Hard Drive, did you inject it into him before he woke up?"

— Of course, boss.

— What did you inject me with?

— "I'll show you something interesting, Elrod."

I took a remote control and turned on a big screen TV that was in the room; ignoring Purvis' amazement at the screen and its resolution, he was intrigued by what we were seeing: in fact, I didn't even know it until that moment, at least not entirely. There was a cow inside a small room, apparently sick, for it was barely moving; then it ended up covered in a silky cocoon. Then, to my and Purvis' astonishment, the cocoon began to move, and finally broke like an egg from which ten dragonfly-like creatures hatched, but the size of soccer balls that fluttered in the air causing a loud buzzing sound.

I knew what those things were: alien insects from a planet called Svoriin that Earth's SGC had dealt with years before, and if they got out of control, they could wipe out the population of entire planets, as happened to Svoriin itself. And Li Shou made me...? Oh, wow: very clever, boss. Judging by Purvis' expression, he was REALLY terrified, and he had reason to be.

— "Those insects act like a virus: they inject their genetic code into their victim, forcing their organism to create new insects from their own body: usually ten, depending on the size of the victim. Don't you find that fascinating, Elrod?"

— YOU'RE SICK! -he snarled, trying to throw himself at him, but I held him back with my arms, one around his neck and one around his waist- Get off me! Since when did you get so strong, Hard Drive?

— I've been working out; something you need, doc. You just listen to the boss.

— "Such an accusation would amuse me coming from you, but I'm not in the mood, Elrod." -Li Shou defiantly approached a terrified scientist- "Right now, a modified viral serum from said insect is coursing through your bloodstream, altering your tissues: right now you must be feeling tired, feverish, nauseous, etc... all symptoms that your body is futilely trying to fight the infection before it ends up as incubation material. And if you think anyone will help you, you're sorely mistaken: neither the Enforcers nor the Swat Kats would give you a paw after all the crap you pulled, and they wouldn't believe you if you told them about me either."

— YOU ARE A...!

— "So here's my new deal: I give you the antidote to said serum, and the original mutagenic that would return you to being Viper... if you promise not to attack Megakat again, or interfere in my business, or in telling anyone about me or Hard Drive. What do you say, do we have a deal?"

— I wouldn't turn it down if I were you, doc. -I whispered in his ear- "Unless, you want to be bug food.

— YEAH, I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST GIVE ME THE ANTIDOTE!

— "See how talking gets people across, Hard Drive? The art of negotiation." -he tossed me two small vials, which I caught- "Give it to him fast so he can do his beloved "ssss" thinking in peace, then return him to his swamp."

— As you say, boss.

— "Oh, and Elrod: if you dare to break our deal, I'll make sure you get that viral serum in a concentrated version and die a SLOW AND PAINFUL death."

Li Shou withdrew, making it very clear to Purvis that he was not to be trifled with, something that clearly annoyed him for having to be afraid of him. I grabbed a couple of syringes from a nearby drawer and prepared to administer the antidote -I knew which vial was which- but not before grabbing the doctor by the collar of his ratty scientist's coat and holding him inches from my face.

I never imagined I would threaten someone like that, let alone someone like Viper, but I won't deny that I enjoyed doing it. The feeling of power is incredible, invigorating...

— For your own sake, asshole, you better not break the deal with my boss. -I reached for the collar of his robe, and pulled out my claws, which caressed his skin- Because otherwise, I'll find you myself and kill you: with or without bugs.

— Where did you come from? -he asked me as I injected him with the antidote; to say he was impressed with my attitude was an understatement- You... you're not the same cowardly Hard Drive I remembered! What happened to you?

— I've been training: you'd be surprised at the things I've learned with my boss. -after I finished, I threw the syringe into the trash can- Ready: you won't be bug food anymore.

— Now give me my mutagen!

— First I must give you an anesthetic.

Before he could respond, I gave him a hard blow to the head, knocking him to the ground; just to top it off, I gave him a small shock equivalent to a shot from the Zat and once I was sure he was unconscious, I fed him his damned mutagen.

— This asshole with a PhD thought I'd give him his damn drug while he was conscious. How naive, don't you think, boss?

— "Impressive, Hard Drive: you knocked him unconscious in one hit" -he replied to me from a loudspeaker- "You've really improved."

— Thanks, but he was just a wimpy nerd: it was too easy. I'll take him to his cubbyhole right away.

— "Excellent. When you're done, you can take the rest of the day off."

— Good.

Viper had been just the beginning: Li Shou had planned to take care of all Megakat's criminals according to their degree of danger so that they would not hinder his plans: he had already planned what to do to each one; he only had to wait for the moment. I'm very glad I'm not included in that list, but that doesn't take my mind off the fact that he had devised something against me in case I didn't accept his offer or betrayed him; anyway, I don't care much, since I had no reason to stab him in the back, and neither did Li Shou and Lenny.

Our next target was one... quite unexpected, to tell the truth; we really did almost nothing at that time. I was in my apartment enjoying the day off when the alarms went off: in the sky, a huge disc-shaped alien ship with several spikes appeared, heading towards Megakat Bay: I had been traveling the galaxy for months, so it was clear to me that it was not of Goa'uld origin, nor Wraith, let alone Ancient or Ta'uri. Where was it from?

I took my cell phone and called the one who would give me the answers.

— Lenny, did you see the ship?

— I'm watching it on TV, Kevin. I'll wait for you at the lair; I'll try to get out of work.

— I'll be right there.

After a change of clothes, a short trip through the power grids and a pass through the Transporter Rings, I arrived at the lair's Observation Room, where the assembled Asgard Core was located; it would take Lenny and Li Shou about five minutes to arrive; possibly due to the hustle and bustle caused by the ship's arrival.

— "Good: you were punctual in arriving." -commented Li Shou, fixing his gaze on the monitors and holographic screens; then he stood in front of the Asgard Core- "Let's see now what we have."

— I don't understand how you didn't detect that ship.

— "My mistake in not making a more advanced detection system and assuming this sector of the galaxy would be lightly traveled. When I finish this, I'll fix it."

— From what I saw, clearly the ship isn't Goa'uld, or anything I know of. Do you have any ideas, boss?

— "Mmm... Let's see..." -Li Shou manipulated the Asgard Core- "This confirms it: it's an Aqueon ship."

— Aqueon?

— "A feline species from the eponymous planet, a world 87% covered in water. They were slaves of System Lord Poseidon, and then the subject of dispute with Olokun, until four thousand years ago the Asgard freed them and incorporated them into the Protected Planets Treaty."

— I see... So the Goa'uld couldn't attack them.

— "Exactly: last I heard, they are a highly advanced and pacifist civilization. Mmm... This doesn't have... Huh?" -Li Shou's eyes focused on one of the holographic screens- "One of my covert satellites is detecting a drop in sea level off the shores of Megakat."

— Boss! On the TV it shows that they're stealing the water!

— "What?"

That was all the local news was showing: the water level in the ocean was reduced to the point that Megakat Bay dried up, and apparently the Enforcers were rushing to do battle. Li Shou grunted slightly, and began manipulating a console.

— What do you do?

— "I'm infiltrating that ship's systems: their technology is not too advanced for me." -a few seconds of typing later- "Ready: let's hear what our visitors are saying."

After pressing a button, voices were heard:

— Look, Traag, the cowards are retreating. Now we can resume draining this moisture-rich world.

— The desert planet Sahavi will pay handsomely for the water we steal this day. Heh heh.

— Ha ha ha! And if this world perishes in the process, it's just business.

After hearing that conversation, Li Shou began to guffaw in a strange, mocking and almost Machiavellian manner.

— You know, I don't get the joke: if Phellus runs out of water, everything on this planet will die.

— "I know, I know... hehehe. It's just... I find this whole thing so funny!"

— Explain please.

— "They are clearly not Aqueons: they would never harm a habitable planet, let alone an inhabited one; two: your planet itself has plenty of water. And three: there is more water on any of the icy moons in the outer sector of this solar system than on Phellus." -he cleared his throat and drank some water- "No, Kevin: we're dealing with some idiot pirates with a lot of slack when it comes to extracting their loot by means of a stolen ship."

— So... we're not going to do anything?

— "Only if things get out of hand. Just this once, let the Swat Kats handle it: they should get there right now."

— How do you know that?

— "Look at the monitors, Kevin."

At first I told myself that I shouldn't be surprised: it was logical that these two would show up to try to "save the day" as they always do. But the fact that Li Shou was suspiciously sure of their location, plus the impression of having heard a beep as an alarm before seeing them on the monitors, made me suspect that... maybe he was VERY aware of the Swat Kats' movements. Did he already...?

Hours passed, and clearly that pair of pilots had entered the ship, what was going on in there? Even with the surveillance drones and camouflage devices flying overhead, neither I nor Li Shou knew, and we had no choice but to wait for events to come to a conclusion, or for us to be forced to act. Did my boss have faith in the Swat Kats... or was it simply a strategy to avoid revealing their existence? Most likely it was the latter, and that's why he did not introduce his drones into the ship, but still...

— "Interesting... it looks like a smaller ship has detached from the mothership." -said Li Shou breaking the silence after seeing his drone readings on the screen- "And the Turbokat as well."

— Do you think the Aqueons have recovered their ship?

— "We're going to find out. You play along, Hard Drive."

After manipulating the console, he made contact with that small ship: a being resembling a mollusk or giant reddish and extremely muscular lobster with yellow eyes appeared on the screen together with another being of more reptilian aspect, green skin with yellow speckles. Why wasn't Li Shou wearing his mask or something?

— How did you link to this frequency, you primitive creature! Traag! I demand an explanation!

— "Who are you calling primitive, you insolent prawn?!"

As soon as they heard the low, metallic tone of Li Shou's voice, those two aliens buried all their bravery and arrogance, and became extremely nervous; it was more than obvious that they knew what my boss really was.

— TRAAG! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! You said that this sector of the galaxy was free of the Goa'uld!

— I don't know, Lord Mutilor! My research deduced that this sector used to belong to Lady Bastet, but she has been dead for five years! LORD MUTILOR! What if this Goa'uld is working for Lord Minos?

— "You are very lucky that this is not the case, or you would be on his menu right now,"-interrupted Li Shou, who soon caught the two's attention- "However, I will not forgive your arrogance: you have attacked a planet owned by a god and threatened to destroy it."

— "Sir... Excuse me..."

— "At this moment, two of my best Jaffa warriors are about to give them the divine punishment they deserve."

— Is he referring to the Swat Kats? -I thought when I heard that sentence; in the end, I had to hold back my laughter- They some Jaffa? Hahahahaha...

— Those... those two pilots are your warriors?

— "Yes, insolent creature, and if I were you I'd prepare to die. You will pay for meddling with a System Lord."

— Hehehehehehe... Boss; some modesty, please...

— "I thought... I thought I was up against honorable warriors... Not Goa'uld scum!"

— "Judging by the looks of you, you're from the planet Molris, aren't you, Mutilor?" -smiled Li Shou- "A molluscoid species dedicated to business and trade: former slaves and the object of Olokun's experiments. I will give you this consolation: you will die before you see how your planet will be the next to be purged by Lord Minos."

— "No!" cried Mutilor, horrified, "It can't be, it can't be...!"

The communication was cut off as soon as a flash appeared on the screen and Mutilor and Traag disappeared. From the images transmitted by one of the chief's satellites, the Turbokat had managed to fire a missile at Mutilor's ship, blowing it up and killing him and his assistant instantly. Readings from our satellites and drones also detected that the water was returning to Phellus.

Li Shou smirked and then turned off the monitors.

— "System Lord Li Shou?" Come on, boss...

— "Oh, forgive my lack of modesty in trying to amuse myself, Hard Drive. Every once in a while pulling out the religious theatrics comes in handy." -he said before exhaling some air and wiping that smile off his face- "I hope there won't be any more annoyances like this."

— By the way... That thing you said about Mutilor's planet... Is it true?

— "It is: my spies informed me that a fleet of Ha'taks from Minos is on its way there; they will arrive in four days. But don't worry: it's a long way from here."

— They are going to be slaughtered.

— "That's most possible. No matter: our planet is safe... for now. However..."

— Something's bothering you, boss. I can see it in your face.

— "The impact this small but unsubtle alien incursion bothers me: the Enforcers, and more the governments of the eight Phellusian nations won't be able to ignore it. Besides, the Swat Kats clearly worked alongside the Aqueons after liberating them, and it's very likely they received alien technology."

— Are you implying that those two could be a threat to your plans?

— "OUR plans, Hard Drive. And yes: I am hinting at it; I remind you that a group of military men almost on the same technological level, and without a fighter jet killed Ra. The Goa'uld underestimated the humans on Earth... And here we are, fifteen years later."

— If the Swat Kats ever meet SG-1...

— "Our plans will go to ruin." -he growled, his eyes lighting up- "But I can't kill them... yet: they can be useful to me. I must keep an eye on them."

— Mmm...

— "Anything you want to ask me?"

— No, nothing... Don't worry.

— "Good: we can rest for today. Tomorrow we'll resume training."

I kept my question to myself at the time, but I would ask it some time later. What I can say is that Li Shou was right about one thing: soon after that little alien visit was over, Megakat was able to resume its usual life... but in the rest of the world things were not like that: for several weeks, the news and newspapers were full of reports and opinion articles about what would happen if a similar incident was repeated again. Li Shou had infiltrators in the governments of the eight kat nations, and the information he was getting was that in all eight there was fear, concern and anxiety that this would happen again, and that they had no plan together in response; there was even a rumor going around that in Muricia it could affect President Mason's re-election in two years.

The other thing was that there was a small increase in terrorist activities around the world. A reflection of fear? Or of mistrust between nations? Or some plan by Li Shou? Maybe. All I know is that after those weeks, everything returned to an apparent calm... but deep down, that fear, at least outside Megakat where they were not used to strange things, was still latent.

The paranoia of the Aqueon visit over, tranquility returned to Phellus, and Megakat in general. I was on my way back to Phellus after making a small kassa trade transaction with a faction of the Lucian Alliance in exchange for control crystals, Goa'uld technology pieces stolen from abandoned bases -and from other factions of the same alliance weeks before- and some naquadah: it was an extremely lucrative deal that would make me richer than I was in theory, besides giving me supplies for my Surge Coat: part of the naquadah we used as a source of energy and raw material, and the other as currency.

The entry into the atmosphere was fairly uneventful, and I was already seeing Megakat in the distance when I received an incoming call.

— Here, Hard Drive, returning from a successful business round, how are things at home?

— Lenny here. -he whispered softly- The Metallikats are robbing the Toleda Bank's branch.

— Doesn't that place look familiar... Isn't there a clinic next door?

— Yes, a children's clinic. -he answered, referring to a Goa'uld larvae hatchery hidden under that place- You have to intercept them before they cause damage, in addition to what the Enforcers and the Swat Kats would cause.

— Understood: I will go immediately.

— I'll meet you at the Beta Base lair, Kevin. I must get back to work.

I would have preferred to come home and drink some milk or beer, and then sleep with a beautiful woman after spending almost four days away from my planet, but when work calls, work calls.

The Metallikats were extremely dangerous criminals given the weapons they had built into their bodies, their tough armor, their enormous ambition and their destructive tendency... but they were too much of a jerk and like any married couple, they argued all the time. To this day I wonder why they don't put an end to those two: they are robots now, why did Feral insist on keeping them as "evidence"? And why didn't those morons Swat Brats eliminate them once and for all?

Swat Brats... I must admit it was so funny that the nickname stuck.

I landed the ship on the roof of a building relatively close to the Toleda Bank, and used my coat to move through the electrical grids to the inside of the bank, where being connected to the surveillance system -which those idiots didn't destroy, to my advantage- I could see everything that was going on. Nothing out of the ordinary: typical bank robbery with their hostages threatened by Molly, Mac stealing the money from the safe, the two of them arguing making it very clear that they were married, the Enforcers taking their time to arrive... The typical. I had to act fast before the Enforcers and Swat Kats arrived; to my good fortune, I still had some tools from my last robberies: modified Tok'Kal grenades, smoke bombs, night vision goggles, mini-detonators... Yes: that was supposed to work; the only drawback was that I had to materialize inside the bank to use them and avoid being seen at all costs.

Eureka...

First I cut the power supply by shorting out the bank's general board; the darkness would cover me at least from the normal kats; I materialized in a clear hallway free of people, and dropped the smoke bombs. Mac and Molly were already somewhat confused by the power outage; now with the smoke, they had no idea what was going on: I activated the detonators on the side opposite the clinic, creating a large hole in the wall which, in addition to clearing the smoke, the robotic couple did not hesitate to take advantage of to escape before the arrival of the "competent authorities". Once outside, they emerged into a narrow alleyway where they would be easy prey. After picking up the remains of my smoke bombs, I turned back into electricity and traveled along the wires until I arrived in front of them in the middle of the alley, and duly protected of course.

— Hey, Bonnie and Clyde. Did you have fun?

— YOU! What the hell are you doing here? -Mac snarled, pointing his gun at me- Did Dark Kat send you after us? And what kind of glasses are those?

— And who are Bonnie and Clyde?

— That eggplant-colored asshole? Pff... No: I'm in the big leagues now, toasters.

— TOASTERS?!

— Enough chitchat: you're coming with me now. Unless you want to deal with the grey men and the air clowns.

— And who are you to order us around and insult us?

— You're nothing but a nobody! Get lost!

— Anyway... Don't tell me I didn't try to be nice.

I threw the Tok'Kal grenades, which to an astonished Mac and Molly looked like mere metallic billiard balls... until they exploded in a beam of light so powerful that it would have blinded anyone temporarily... except that I was wearing protective goggles and the Metallidorks were not. In fact, the glare must have overloaded their optical circuits and caused an almost permanent blindness... which I took advantage of to stun them with the Zat gun. Boy, that was really easy! It would have been more fun if I had lasted a little longer.

— Anyway... The daily bread. -I went over to pick up the grenades, disconnect Mac and Molly's reboot circuits, quickly implant two Asgard teleportation chips in their bodies and send them to the Tel'tak. At that, the sirens of the Enforcers could be heard approaching- Now to evaluate the work.

Preceded by the sirens, the Enforcer patrols had just arrived at the bank to assess the damage; the useless Swat Kats also arrived to try to make a scene, which, unfortunately, they were unable to do. The only thing I witnessed from a distance was the brief exchange between T-Bone and Commander Feral blaming each other for the escape of the Metallikats, while Razor and Felina were doing their best to contain those hot-air-filled hard-heads. Spoilsport...

In the end, both accepted the fact that the only good thing was that no one was seriously injured; even the director of the nearby clinic came out to thank the commander for preventing his building from being damaged... despite having done nothing more than arrive late. After a brief inspection of the scene, both the Swat Kats and the Enforcers withdrew, although the latter took Mac and Molly's Metallikat Express as evidence. I hadn't thought of that detail; Li Shou and I would have to deal with that later.

Hours later, when everything was back to normal and after waiting in the Tel'tak, I received a call on my cell phone.

— "I'll wait for you in my office. Don't be long."

— I'll come right away.

Seconds later, after a trip through the power grids, I was in a dimly lit basement with consoles, monitors and incubation tanks filled with water... and Goa'uld larvae swimming around. In front of a modest desk stood a middle-aged, graying-haired man: he was the director of the surface "rejuvenation" clinic who had spoken to Feral hours before.

He stood up and approached me; his eyes glowed.

— "Good work, Hard Drive." -said the Goa'uld- "Mr. Li Shou will be able to rest easier knowing that this breeding center is safe."

— That's good.

— "If only those damned Metallikats were neutralized at the damnedest. The last time they hit the streets, they caused quite a mess."

— I remember: it happened months ago, shortly after I was arrested for trying to steal the Behemoth. That's when they stole those giant Puma-Dyne robots.

— "Their games with the Swat Kats destroyed a brand-new breeding facility; we were lucky we hadn't moved the larvae there yet, or that idiot Feral and the press would have hounded us with questions."

— I think the boss already has something special planned for the two of them.

— "I hope it includes throwing them into the sun." -he snorted before returning to his seat- "You can go, Hard Drive: I imagine you must take that pair of idiots to Mr. Li Shou first."

— Of course. I let him work.

I said goodbye to him and returned to the ship, ready to take the robotic duo with my boss to Beta Base. I doubt Li Shou would send them into the sun... although they deserved it. Anyway, after seeing what he did with Viper, who never showed up again, I imagine he had something extremely amusing for them.

The Beta Base was in the mountains north of Megakat: it was a cold, arid and desolate place; perfect for a backup facility hidden by Tok'ra crystals. It didn't take me long to arrive with our "guests", and to get to work on them together with Lenny. It was already late at night.

— You were very smart to disconnect their power system before bringing them in.

— I assumed they would have some auxiliary power source, and I made sure they didn't come online before bringing them here.

— Good thing Li Shou gives me access to his technological know-how, or I wouldn't be able to do this.

— You'll get the hang of electronics, Lenny: don't worry. I can help you.

— Thanks, Kevin.

— I imagine there was a lot of movement in your work because of the Metallidorks issue.

— Hahaha... I see you made up nicknames for them too. Yes... too much tension: it's normal when they show up.

— That will soon be over. -I said before closing the "hood" to Molly- Hey, it's the first time I touch a woman's breasts, and she doesn't say anything.

— Hahahahahaha! Good one, Kevin: tell Molly to see how she reacts. -he went back to his work, and then closed the hood on Mac- There: I'm done too. I'd better get ready for them to be greeted by the "Great and Mysterious Lee Shu."

— Go on, go. In the meantime, I'll reconnect these suckers.

Lenny left the room we were in, leaving me alone with Mac and Molly; I reconnected their power systems -prior disconnection of their weapons- and moved to a corner, next to some cans of cold milk, while I watched as they slowly restarted. I will never understand why humans don't like carbonated milk. Anyway: what they're missing.

— What happened? Where are we? Mac, answer me!

— How should I know, woman?! The last thing I remember is that useless Hard Drive throwing some balls of... Hey! What kind of place is this?!

— Welcome, you pair of tin cans. -I greeted them mockingly, taking the last sip of my third can of milk- Would you like some milk? Oops, I forgot: you need taste buds to enjoy it.

— What are you doing here?

— Since your brain has a 500 KHz processor, I'll tell you, Mac: I brought them here.

— Cut the jokes, electronic boy, and tell us how to get out!

— Let me have some sense of humor. -I threw the can into the trash can, followed by a loud belch that I didn't bother to contain- I just got back from a multi-day business trip that left me exhausted... And instead of enjoying my time off drinking a couple of beers and hanging out with a couple of good hookers, and maybe a movie night with my friends, I was tasked with picking you guys up like a common taxi driver.

— Oh! You're rubbing your good life in our faces!

— What did you say, Mac?! I remind you I'm still here!

— I don't know what you're complaining about, Molly: neither he nor you could ever get "action" again... If you know what I mean, flat-chested.

— All right, you little pervert! I'm going to...! -Molly tried to use her laser pistol, but it never appeared, which made me smile- Why isn't it working?

— I deactivated your weapon systems before reconnecting you. Do you think I'm an idiot? You'd better calm down and wait for my boss to arrive.

— And who's your boss supposed to be?

— "That must be me."

Melodramatic as always, I thought, holding back a laugh: there were definitely things that, like Goa'uld, Li Shou would find hard to take off. This one made an appearance with a less "elegant" attire than when he introduced himself to Viper: he kept the mask, but now he wore military boots, dark camouflage pants and a black tank top, exposing his defined arms and his tattoo; on his left wrist he had his Kara kesh camouflaged in a golden watch.

His appearance denoted more of a young man in his twenties or thirties -a fact, since Lenny was my age- a fan of heavy rock; not an emerging criminal kingpin. Still, he didn't go unnoticed.

— "Mac and Molly Mange... I'll introduce myself: I'm the new boss of Hard Drive, and the one who brought you here. Lee Shu."

— You... YOU'RE LEE SHU? -asked an incredulous Molly- The new criminal boss who acts in the shadows without anyone knowing anything about him?!

— The one whom no one has ever seen, and whose men are willing to die rather than give him up?!

— "I see you know me."

— YOU'RE JUST A BOY! JUST LIKE THE USELESS HARD DRIVE!

— How old are you, sixteen?

— "Believe me I'm quite mature despite my apparent youth, and very experienced in this criminal world thing." -he sighed in boredom before continuing- "Let's cut to the chase: I got tired of your childish games."

— What?

— "You've put my business and my entire operation at risk with your amateurish bandit playfulness; so far I've tolerated it, but to tell you the truth, I've lost patience. So... here's my deal: I'll let them keep playing cops and robbers with Feral and the Swat Kats..."

— Who do you think you are!

— Don't interrupt him, tin woman! -I yelled at Molly- Or the deal's off!

— "As I was saying... You'll go on with your games, but away from my business. If by any chance, I happen to feel like asking them for a favor, you'll come immediately as my loyal servants. And if you do well, I may give them a prize. What do they say about it?"

It didn't take a genius to know the answer: between insults and other nonsense they said they would never work or ally with anyone again, and demanded their weapons back. I understood them, as their alliance with Dark Kat must have been terrible; that didn't stop Li Shou and I from exchanging a complicit glance and a mischievous smile. We knew what to do in order to convince them: be a little more... persuasive.

Since I already had my modified Surge Coat, we both extended our paw to the front, and to the Metallikats' surprise, my boss's "watch" unfolded into his Kara kesh, directly attacking Molly, while I used my electric shocks against Mac.

As someone who experienced firsthand what it's like to be a victim of the Kara kesh, though unaware of how much it would affect a robot, I almost felt sorry for Molly.

Almost…

— Enough! -the robot woman could be heard screaming in a heart-rending way- That hurts! My head is burning!

— What are you doing to my wife?!

— How sweet... you really love her. You better worry about not getting your circuits fried, you idiot.

— "I want to make one thing clear: I, and only I, occupy the top of the crime pyramid in Megakat. Those of you who, like Hard Drive, have joined me voluntarily, will be well rewarded."

— That I can assure you.

— "And those who dare to stand in my way are nothing but pests. And what do we do to pests, Hard Drive?"

— We exterminate them, boss!

— What do you want from us?!

— "Now... I want you to beg for your lives."

It was a moment of megalomania that I quite enjoyed: hearing the Metallikats beg for mercy, overloading Mac, unable not only to defend himself but his hated wife, who was being tortured by Li Shou with the Kara kesh, surely wondering, in the midst of her agony, what was that strange golden glove that I'd bet my tail she wished she had. Too bad for her that only a Goa'uld could wear it.

The feeling of power, of having your enemies as pests that you could crush, and showing them that you were capable of doing so without much effort and only hindered by your own will... That was something I had no intention of forgetting now that I had tasted it. Is that how the useless Dark Kat felt? Is that how the System Lords, including Bastet, must have felt? Just seeing Li Shou enjoying his torture session, I thought to myself, yes.

That explained it all.

— You... are... going... to pay... for this!

— The Swat Kats will...!

— "Did you hear that, Hard Drive?" -my boss gave me a sidelong glance without releasing his Kara kesh- "The Metallikats are begging for help from those pilots."

— More pathetic they couldn't get.

— "The Swat Kats are nothing more than bedmen who serve me as pest control for this city without them being aware of it. As soon as they are no longer useful to me, I'll push them aside with the stroke of a pen; so it's useless for you to ask them for help. Now, why don't you spare yourselves the suffering and pay obeisance to me?" -both Li Shou and I interrupted our attacks- "Your suffering is boring me."

— It's... it's okay, we'll obey you!

— Just don't kill us! -Molly pleaded- When you need us, we'll come right away! What do you want from us?

— "I'll give you a list of places and people you must not go within a hundred meters of. No questions, no explanations: you stay away from them, leave them alone and that's it; otherwise, you can go on with your usual activities. As for their services... when I need them, I'll have them fetched: Hard Drive will take care of it."

— And of course, they must not tell anyone, ANYONE, about the two of us. If they do, we'll know, and of course, I'll take care of it too.

— Is that all? -Mac asked- It doesn't sound so difficult.

— "Oh, one more thing. If for some reason it crosses your minds to want to betray me and break some of these rules... Tell them, Hard Drive."

— We implanted mini-bombs inside your bodies, strategically placed in your vital components, like your heads.

— WHAAAAT?!

— "If you try to betray my trust, I will detonate them, and you will be destroyed as everything for a hundred meters around, with nothing left of you but some molten metal shavings to fill a thimble. And if you try to go for someone like that senile Dr. Hackle to deactivate them, they'll blow up too."

— It will be impossible for you anyway: they are so tiny that they are undetectable by conventional methods.

— Is this how you treat your partners?

— "Hard Drive is my partner, Mac; you two are my servants. Remain obedient and well-behaved, and all will be well; make one mistake... and there will be bombing. And by the way: discretion is our slogan; I know it's a difficult thing for you... but I sense you'll learn to understand that concept. Right?"

— ... Yes, sir.

— "Excellent. Hard Drive will take you back to the city."

Without another word, I fired at them with the Zat pistol, knocking them unconscious again, then teleported them to the Tel'tak waiting outside.

— There remains the matter of their Metallikat Express, boss.

— "I'll send them to them tomorrow; by the time the Enforcers notice it's missing, the Mange will be waxing it for their next heist."

— Where do I drop them off?

— "Wherever you want, and don't forget to leave them the list with the untouchable places and people. Then I'll meet you at the Lenny's house." -sighed again- "I guess I owe you a reception with some leisure after this miserable assignment. Movie night, video games, or women?"

— Movie night sounds good. You told me about one where there's a guy who goes to an island that became a prison to rescue the president of the United States.

— "Escape from New York? Yeah, that's a good choice: when I get home, I'll order a couple of pizzas. I see you like Earth's movies, Kevin; even the old ones."

— "Their movies and video games are so much better than the ones here: I have to admit it. Well, I'm taking Bonnie and Clyde. Don't watch the movie without me, boss!

— "I won't, Kevin."