Chapter Eighteen: Never Here

Bella's POV

"Bella!" I heard Carlisle yell through the storm as I held Emmett, trying to stop the bleeding. "Emmett!" I turned towards Carlisle as he rushed up to us, and kneeled down beside me. I saw all the color drain from his face, as he took over applying pressure to the wound. I moved around to place Emmett's head in my lap, only wanting to be close to him.

"Mom?" I heard Emmett whisper as he looked over. But, when I looked over, all I saw was a brick wall. I turned towards Carlisle and he only shrugged. Emmett continued to talk to himself as Carlisle and I prayed he'd be okay. He had to be. I didn't know how to live without him. It was then that I knew no matter how much he wronged me, no matter how hurtful what he did was...I couldn't hate him. I had to be with him...no matter what.

To love another person is to see the face of God

I saw Emmett's eyes slip close, and his chest stopped moving all together. Carlisle noticed it too, because he began doing compressions.

"Emmett?" I cried, shaking him while Carlisle continued doing compressions. "Emmett! Wake up!"

"Bella," I heard Carlisle whisper, as he put Emmett's wrist down, and I knew what he was going to say. But, I couldn't deal with that. "Bella, he's gone."

"NO!" I yelled, as my breathing became heavy. "NO! He's not!" I knew he was, I saw the light leave his eyes. Emmett...was gone. I looked down at his beautiful face, and cringed. He was my life. He was the only person I wanted, and now...I could never have him.

A few minutes later, the EMT's came over to us and told us they had to get him to the hospital. I reluctantly let him go and watched as the put him in the back of the ambulance. Carlisle came up to me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.

"This is all my fault." I cried, turning around and burying my head in his shoulder.

"How is this your fault?" He asked as he rubbed my back.

"I was so angry with him," I whispered. "And then...I aw him writing a letter basically saying he wanted to die. Maybe if I hadn't been so angry..."

"Bella," Carlisle stopped me, lifting my head up. "This is not your fault. Emmett...Emmett's wanted to die since he lost his parents."

"What?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "He told me a few years ago. He told me he wanted to be dead...he wanted to be with his mom and dad again...but he couldn't kill himself. He said he couldn't do that to the people he loved...especially you."

"But,"

"There are no buts, Bella." Carlisle told me. I glanced over Carlisle's shoulder and noticed a tall, dark figure coming up from behind us. Soon, he came into the light and I recognized it as Felix...holding a gun up.

"Carlisle!" I shouted, pushing him out of the way.

"Bella!" Carlisle yelled as a stinging pain went through my shoulder. I fell to the ground, and then...everything was black.

"She's going to be okay." I heard an unfamiliar voice whisper as I woke up. I opened my eyes to see a man in a white coat, and Carlisle standing next to him, looking worried. I glanced around and noticed I was in the hospital, and it wasn't until I tried scratching my face that I remembered what had happened. Felix had pointed his gun at Carlisle, and I'd pushed him out of the way.

"Carlisle?" I asked, gaining their attention. Carlisle smiled and rushed over to me, kissing my forehead and I saw the unshed tears in his eyes. "What happened exactly?"

"You were shot in the shoulder." He explained as he sat down next to me. "And, thankfully, it just missed your heart."

"And?"

"And you've been in surgery for a few hours, Bella." He whispered, grabbing my hand. "You're going to be okay. It was a clean wound and healing should be easy."

"Where's...where's Aiden?" I asked as I looked around the room.

"Jasper texted me a little while ago, saying they just got back in Forks." He told me. "They should be here soon."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle." I cried. "I'm so sorry you've lost so many people."

"You've lost people too." He pointed out. "Being a doctor...I've come to terms that people die, and we can't avoid death."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less."

"No, it never does." He whispered, not making eye contact. "But, it is the truth. I'm...always going to miss Esme and I won't ever be over her death. But, I know she's with Emmett and Rosalie...and my sister now. She's okay...she wouldn't want me to dwell on her death."

"How can you be so...calm?" I asked.

"Esme would have wanted me to be calm." He said, smiling. "She wouldn't want me to fall apart and stop living." The door swung open, and I looked past Carlisle to see Jasper with Aiden in his arms, looking frustrated and scared. Aiden's face lit up when he saw me, and he begged Jasper to let him down. He came running over to me, but Carlisle stopped him as he picked him up.

"Aiden, you gotta be really careful, okay?" He whispered, making Aiden look him in the eyes. "You're mom, she got a very big...boo-boo and you need to be gentle. She's hurting."

"Okay, I will be." He said, as he pushed to be put down. He walked over to me, and touched my hand. "Are you gonna be okay, Mommy?"

"Mommy's going to be fine." I smiled, wrapping my arm around him as he snuggled to my side.

After a while with Aiden, Carlisle took him down to the cafeteria to get something to eat, leaving Jasper and I alone.

"You know, last time I visited you in the hospital, it was a much happier occasion." He laughed, thinking back to when Aiden was born. "This isn't so happy."

"No, it's not." I sighed as he came and sat down on the bed with me. I saw his face turning red and cheeks beginning to puff up. I reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. "I'm so sorry, Jasper."

"You...you didn't do anything."

"Exactly." I sighed. "I didn't do anything. And, I'm so sorry for that."

"Bella, we've all lost the people we care about." He whispered. "It's no ones fault...no one's but James's." We sat in silence for a few more minutes before Aiden came bustling through the door, a bowel full of ice creme in one hand, and a giant cookie in another.

"Mom!" He called, coming and sitting in the chair next to me bed. "Do you wanna a cookie or ice creme?"

"What kind of ice creme?" I asked.

"Strawberry!" He said excitedly. The kid loved strawberry ice creme for some reason, and almost always through a fit when places didn't have that kind. "But, the cookie is chocolate chip."

"I think I'll take the cookie." I said, winking. I set the cookie on the table and watched as he shoved pink ice creme all over his face, making a complete mess.

"Where's, Em?" He asked, causing my heart to stop beating. With everything that had happened, I didn't even think about what all of this was going to do to Aiden. I looked over at Jasper who had his back turned towards us, looking out the window, and over at Carlisle who only looked at the ground. "He loves strawberry.

"Aiden?" I asked, getting his attention. I had only just recently told him what happened to his father. I left out the details of that night, but he knew his father was never coming back. He was sad when I told him, but only shrugged it off, saying he had Emmett to teach him how to play baseball and how to get really dirty.

"What, mommy?" He asked.

"Emmett...Emmett's..." I stuttered, unsure of how to tell him this. "Emmett isn't coming home, baby."

"What?" He asked, dropping his spoon in the styrofoam bowel. "Why?"

"He...Aiden, Emmett..." I stuttered. I wanted so badly to tell him the truth, but I knew it would destroy him. But, I'd learned a lot about how lying doesn't work over this past week and took a deep breath, bracing myself. "Emmett died last night, sweetie."

"What?" He asked, his voice rising. "Nu-uh!"

"Yes, Aiden." I nodded, and he stood up out of his chair. "Emmett isn't coming home. I'm so sorry."

"Yes he is!" Aiden yelled, throwing his bowel on the ground. "He's coming back!"

"Aiden!" I called as he opened the slammed the door shut. Jasper left the room to go find him while Carlisle held me as I cried.

I was released from the hospital the next day for the funerals...but only if Carlisle stayed with me. I stood in front of the mirror in Alice's room and took everything in. Never again would Emmett make me dinner. Never again would Aiden jump into Esme's arms with happiness. Never again would Rosalie and I gossip together about Emmett and Royce. All of that...was over.

"You about ready?" Alice asked as she came into the room. I nodded slowly and clasped the blue bracelet around my wrist. We'd each decided to wear one of their favorite colors and I was wearing blue for Emmett. I followed Alice out of the room and downstairs to the car. Since I couldn't drive, I was driving with Carlisle while Aiden stayed with Melody and Lucy.

It didn't take long to get to the funeral home, and I saw Carlisle's body stiffen as we parked the car close to the door. As we walked inside, I had an odd sense of deja-vu of when I was pregnant with Aiden. The last time I attended a funeral was when I was pregnant with Aiden...at Edward's. We entered the building and I was hit by the distinct smell of a funeral home. I clenched my stomach, feeling nauseous.

We walked into the big room where all three of their bodies were for the viewing. I began breathing heavily as I saw Emmett laying there motionless. I let go of Carlisle's hand and walked over to him, clasping my hand to my mouth when I saw him. His eyes were closed, his smile was gone...his skin was pale and cold. This wasn't Emmett. Not the one I fell in love with.

After a little while, people began filing in the doorway, here to pay their respects. Most people were here for Esme since she'd spent most of her adult life here, but a lot had come for Rosalie and Emmett as well. I stiffened when I saw Royce walk inside, his sister holding his arm. My heart broke at the sight of him. His face was puffy, and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to move towards them.

"Hi, Royce." I whispered, barely making eye contact with him. "How're you doing?"

"I...I..." He stuttered before removing his sisters hand and rushing over to Rosalie's casket.

"He's a mess." His sister, Eva, told me. "He's been crying since he got the news, and hasn't slept in days. Plus, he's refusing to eat and I think he's making himself sick with grief."

"I feel terrible." I whispered, looking over at him, holding Rosalie's hand.

"I think he'd feel better if he had someone to talk to." She whispered. "But, I don't want to force him or ask someone he hardly knows."

"I could talk to him." I sighed. "If you think it'd help."

"Yes! Please, I'm desperate." She said. I glanced over at him one last time, took a deep breath, and walked over to him. I put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump before looking up at me.

"Wanna go for some fresh air?" I asked and he nodded. He killed Rosalie's hand and stood up, following me out of the building. We sat down on the porch step and sat in silence for what seemed like forever.

"I know." I whispered. "I know what it feels like...to find out the one person you love most int his world is gone. Twice."

"Twice?" He asked.

"Yeah. Before I moved here, I was engaged to this really great guy back in Chicago." I explained. "He was killed by the...the same guy who took all of their lives."

"Does it ever get easier?" He asked. "Without him?"

"No." I whispered. "I loved Emmett...so much. And, I did want to be with Emmett forever, but...he wasn't Edward. It wasn't the same. It never will be."

"Great." He snorted.

"But, I did end up loving again." I said softly, touching my hand to his. "It took a while, but I loved Emmett so much."

I sat beside Jasper, squeezing his hand tightly as the minister spoke at their funeral service the next day. It was decided I would give a eulogy for Emmett, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. The minister stopped speaking, and then it was my time. I took a deep breath and finally released Jasper's hand and walked up to the podium.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul." I said, and I couldn't help but smiling at the quote. "Emmett and I met...five years ago when I moved from Chicago. I...I was immediately attracted to him, but nothing happened for two long years. Emmett...he became...my best friend and..." I began saying as tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked up at all of the faces, looking up at me and lost it.

"I...I can't." I sighed, running away from the podium and out the doors of the small church we were in. I finally stopped running when I reached the grassy lawn on the other side of the parking lot. I clutched my stomach as I hyperventilated, and finally fell to sit on the ground. I couldn't stop the tears as they washed down my face.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do this. Emmett meant everything to me. Everything. I knew he had his faults, but so did I. Everyone did. I closed my eyes and saw our wedding...lavenders lining the aisles and Alice in a purple dress. I saw the children I wanted to have with him, and Aiden welcoming his new baby brother or sister. James took that from me. He took everything from me.

"Bella?" I heard Carlisle's gentle voice ask as he came up and sat down beside me. "Come here." He whispered, pulling me close to him. He held me as I cried, and when I was done, we sat together in peaceful silence.

After going back inside, Jasper spoke for Rosalie, and then it was time to get into the cars and drive to their burial spot. It was a small service there, and then...everyone else left. The four of us stood there for what seemed like hours, starring at the closed caskets of our loved ones. I looked over and saw Jasper's face buried in Alice's shoulder, his body trembling.

Carlisle took my hand and pulled me to his car, opening the door for me and allowing me to step inside. Alice and Jasper got into the front seat, and sat silently as Carlisle started the car. I looked out the window and saw one of the caskets being lowered into the ground, and pressed my hand to the window. This was it...they...were gone.

"Bye, guys." I whispered as Carlisle began to drive.