April sat in her living room floor with books scattered everywhere around her. Papers, smuggled charts, X-rays covered almost every surface except for the space that was occupied by Jackson. He sat on her couch holding the stack if index cards that he had been quizzing her on for the past two hours. April dramatically collapsed backward, groaning in frustration.

"Jackson, this is ridiculous, if I can't get through this than how am I supposed to make it through the boards again?"

"Come on April, you'll do fine this time. You still have a while to get ready."

She took her arm off her eyes to gaze disbelievingly at him. Jackson smiled brightly at her. He was always so good at reassuring her.

"I think you just need a break. Let's get some food and get some fresh air. It's just what the doctor ordered." He smirked boyishly at her before clearing his lap, getting up, and offering his hand to her.

She grabbed it, and he pulled her up to her feet. "Um, actually, Matt should be here in a little bit; he was going to bring me Chinese." Even though they had been hanging out for the past week, trying to salvage their friendship, talking about each other's current romantic interest was a sore spot. Jackson gave away nothing though.

"Okay, well then I guess we shouldn't. How's that going by the way? You and Matt, I mean." April's eyes widened in shock, but recovered quickly.

"We are good. It's going really great. He actually likes me, who would have thought!" She laughed.

"That is good. And of course he likes you. You are amazing."

"Jackson..." She warned, "You don't have to say that, I know I drove you insane."

"Yeah, but in a good way." She arched an eyebrow before laughing. Jackson grabbed his coat.

"Well I am going to go." He began to walk towards the door, her following behind him. As he opened the door he turned to her, "I mean it, if he doesn't love the way you tuck your hair behind your ear when you're nervous, or the way you spend more time with patients than is actually acceptable just because you care too much, then he is an absolute idiot." The sincerity in his eyes took her breathe away.

"Who's an idiot?" Matt walked up to April's door, ending the moment that the doctors were caught in.

"Oh, hey!" April greeted Matt, her voice betraying her and wavering slightly. "Karev, he was just being a pain in the ass today." She explained. "Well Jackson, I will see you later." She quickly stood to the side so Matt could come inside, following him in and shutting the door behind her. Needing to get Jackson out of her head, she walked up to Matt and kissed him softly. "Thank you for bringing me dinner." She wrapped her arms around his torso, trying to ignore the pain in her chest. The last week of being friends with Jackson were great because she missed him, but acting as if there was nothing between them was taking it out of her. She was tired of him and his tiny little comments that made her heart flutter. She wasn't going to do this with him anymore. Matt deserved better and she was going to be happy in this relationship.

"Did you get a lot of studying done?" Matt was running soothing circles up and down her back.

"Yeah, I did." She mumbled into his chest. "Thank you for understanding about Jackson. I know it must be weird, your girlfriend's best friend/ex helping her study all the time."

One of his hands tangled into her hair and turned her head so she would look him in the eye. "I'm not gonna lie, it would be easier if he didn't look the way he did, but I get it. We all have complicated pasts, yours could be much worse."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I happen to think you are wonderful." She stood on her tip toes and kissed him soundly, wrapping her arms around his neck to bring him closer.

April banged on the door of her old apartment. It was late, but she couldn't wait. They needed to have this out now. Jackson opened the door alarmed. He was bare-chested and in pajamas. He had clearly been sleeping. "April? What's the matter? What happened?" The panic in his voice made her feel a tad guilty, but it wasn't enough to stop her. She pushed past him and walked inside.

"I just had to talk to you and it couldn't wait." She sat her purse down on the couch and stood propped against the side of it.

"Okay, if I'm honest, you're scaring me a bit." He locked his door back and turned to April watching her attentively. She smiled solemnly at him. Her best bet was to go ahead and get it out.

"Jackson, we can't be friends." She looked down at her hands, not sure she could say this while looking at him. She risked a glance at him and the instant they locked eyes she knew this would be ugly. She kept going, pressing the point further. "No matter how bad I need you in my life, I can't keep going through this. I'm trying to move on but there you are, being my friend, but you might as well be kissing me, because that's what I want. And it's not fair Jackson. I get to move on and give this thing with Matt a real chance. He is willing to wait for me, and I'm not even a virgin. I have to let go of you. Completely."

Jackson looked confused and irritated. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to stop being friends with you. Why are you doing this now?"

Her voice raised, "you broke up with me, remember? You said me not being pregnant was a sign," her voice had begun to shake. "Then you started sleeping with Edwards. And now, I can feel it, you pulling at me. You can't do this to me. It's tearing me apart." Her eyes had welled up with tears, but she fought them off.

"You set me and Edwards up." Jackson rebutted weakly.

"And you set me and Shane up! Did I screw him in the parking lot?" she snapped.

Jackson went rigid. "Dammit April, you cannot put this whole thing on me!" He was shouting now. "You have pushed and pulled at me since San Francisco. You threw yourself at me at the boards..."

"Threw myself at you?" April screeched. "It didn't take too much convincing, Jackson!" She bit out his name.

"...And then you freaked and kicked me out," his voice rising even more. "Then you had sex with me in the bathroom! And then you wanted to forget all of it even happened!"

"I explained all that to you!" April was standing now. The harshness in his voice was causing adrenaline to fill her veins.

"I tried to do the right thing when you came back from Moline. You were "revirginizing", remember? But no!" He threw his arms in the air dramatically.

"I don't remember hearing any protests from you when we were locked in those on call rooms!" She scoffed.

"No, you didn't, because I wanted to be with you. Hell, I wanted to be with since the boards, but you wouldn't stop pushing me away! And then that damn pregnancy scare happened," he stopped looking less angry and more defeated. "That's when I realized that you weren't ready for this, and I just couldn't do this. I couldn't keep fighting you every step of the way."

April felt horrible. She didn't realize how much she had actually hurt him. Some of his anger returned.

"Our train wreck of a relationship is where it's at because of both of us."

"I never wanted to hurt you, but everything was so messed up. You keep saying that I didn't want this, but dammit Jackson, you have never said you love me, you have never even hinted at wanting a future with me, other than when you said 'let's get married.' But even then, you had just told me you weren't ready to be anyone's husband. It is definitely both our faults. But why are you trying to wreck what I have with Matthew now? And don't you dare say you aren't!" That was why she came here, to find out why he is wedging himself between her and any future she hopes of having.

He stared at her for a few long moments before speaking. "Because when we broke up, I thought that at some point you would be ready for this. But it didn't occur to me that it just might be me you weren't ready for. And then the fucking paramedic came into the picture. All I could see was you falling for him, marrying him, and have babies with him, and we would never have the chance to really do this. "

April stood stock still, her mind going over his confession. It wasn't jealousy. He was holding on to a future with her.

"But you want me to let go right? So you got it. I am done. You can go have your happily ever after with him." The resignation in his voice shook her to the core. She hadn't expected this. She wanted to back pedal, to take the whole altercation back. "I'm tired. You should leave." He said dejectedly. He opened his door.

"Jackson, I ... I.." she was scrambling for words.

"Please just go."

April shook her head, quickly wiped her eyes, and bolted out the door. She walked into the elevator fighting her tears. She had wanted closure. Nothing felt closed; she felt ripped open and unsure about everything.