Glee does not belong to me.
The mistakes are all mine :)
"So Miss Berry, what brings you here?" the Dotor asks as Rachel hops up onto the table. I flop down into the chair in the corner until I look up and see Rachels terrified eyes on me. I spring back up and rush over to her.
"It's okay" I whisper grabbing her hand.
"Miss Berry?"
"Give her a fucking minute will you?" I snap at this ignorant shit in a white coat.
She squeezes my hand, thumb stroking the spot between my thumb and index finger. "It's okay San" she whispers.
"Like hell it is." I say with much less venom in my voice as I glare at the doctor. "She'll tell you when she's ready, okay? And her name is Rachel. Who the fuck are you anyway and where is Dr. Martinez?"
The doctor raises an eyebrow at me. "She's on vacation, take your time Rachel."
"That's better," I grumble. Rachel shoots me a look that I choose to ignore. "Hey, come on, you can do this okay?" I tuck her hair behind her ear and she takes a deep shakey breath. Tears start dripping down her cheeks as she's silently pleading with me to not make her do this. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. "Do you want me to tell her?" She nods as I wrap my other arm around her and pull her into me. Her arms quickly wrap around my waist and she burrows her head into her favorite spot under my neck. Holding her tight and stroking her back I tell the Doctor she needs to be tested to make sure she's clean of STDs and pregnancy test. What the hell we're here, and I'll never fully trust that asshole Karofsky even when he's fearful for his life. Once a coward always a coward. I run my fingers through Rachels hair and rock us as best as I can like this trying to sooth her. I can feel her shaking in my arms. I hate that I drug her here but I keep telling myself over and over it's for her own good but that's not doing a damn thing to ease this horrible aching guilt.
"Okay, well we'll just need to take some blood, okay Rachel?" She nods into my neck. "You should consider getting an actual examination. I know it's probably the last thing you want after what you've been through but.." The sob that escapes Rachels lips stops her talking and causes my heart to leap to my throat. Instictively I hold her tighter. Never letting her go I take the few steps around to the front of the table kicking the stool away so I can stand between her legs pulling her as tight as possible into my chest and sheilding her from the doctor. "Shh baby you've got to calm down. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Rachel.." I have to tug a few times to be able to pull back enough to look her in the eye. I tilt her chin up catching her tears while I'm there. "This is up to you, okay, no one is forcing you. Please baby girl, take a few deep breaths for me, okay?" I pull her back into my chest and start to rock her again. My hands are gently rubbing circles on her back "listen to my breathing baby. It's okay, you're safe."
The doctor has left the room, I assume to find the phelbotomist to take her blood. I'm a little bit worried about how I'm going to get her to calm down enough for them to take her blood. She has pretty much fallen the fuck to pieces on me here, and I blame that doctor bitch and her blunt comments. I know, I know pot callin the kettle black, but fuck I'm a kid here she's a grown adult with a ton of degrees and shit you think she'd be a bit more sympathetic or tactful or one of those big words that would have prevented undoing what little confidence this girl had dragging herself here today. Finally her breathing calms down as well as her sobs and I take a chance loosening my grip to pull back to look in her eyes. I smile crookedly at her. "Hey, you're okay, little d. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to get a paper towel over there and clean you up a little bit okay?" I wait until her watery eyes lock with mine again and she gives a small nod. I walk to the sink and wet a paper towel before returning to gently use it to clean up the tear and mascara stains on her cheeks.
I toss the towel in the trashcan and she just falls forward slowly into my arms. "You can do this. I know you don't want to, baby girl. If I could do this for you I would I swear, but I can be here with you for it all or whatever you want me here for okay? I don't want you to feel like this isn't your choice because it is 100 percent this is your decision, not mine or anyone elses, do you understand that?" She nodds into my chest. "I'm gonna need a verbal answer sweetie."
"yes" she croaks.
"Why don't you think about it while they take your blood then let me know, ok?" I ask trying to not freak out over the fact her voice cracked and she didn't start talking a mile a minute about ruining her voice.
"You think I should don't you," she says quietly.
"Doesn't matter what I think, baby girl."
"It does to me"
I pull back again putting my finger under her chin and tilting it up. "Then, yes I do think you should. I wish there was another way but there isn't. The more answers you can get the better, and since were here now to just get it all over with in one go. Baby girl this is important..do not do this only because I think it's best. If you don't think emotionally you can do this yet, or ever then don't. We'll figure something out, you have to do this because you want to know the answers. You have to be the one to agree to having someone touch you. You're in control here."
She takes a deep breath and nodds. "Can you just hold me until the nurse comes in?"
"Of course." I smile letting her snuggle back into my arms.
The nurse barges in the door behind me like a God damn bull causing both Rachel and I to jump. "It's okay" she whispers instantly silencing me, as my head quicly whips around and my mouth opens to let out some pretty colorful expressions. I turn back around with a slightly amused smirk on my face. She grins almost bashful and shrugs. Girl's got my number already. She's still wrapped in my arms and I'm reluctant to let go and step away from my place in front of her sheilding her from these whitecoat idiots. I don't give a shit what the nurse is babbling behind me, arms still around the divas waist I look in her eyes waiting for her to tell me she's ready for me to move. "I'm okay" she finally whispers with a slight nodd. I step back and move to the side of the exam table.
"If you so much as leave one bruise" I hiss in the direction of the nurse.
"Santana" Rachel says in a surprisingly stern voice reaching for my hand. Her glare is hard, not back to Berry style and no where near as good as mine but I'll take it. I huff and roll my eyes in true Lopez fashion. "It's okay ma'am this one's been coming here for years I know how she is." "The fuck?" I start as Rachel cuts me off with a firm squeeze of my hand. "Must you incorage her? If you get her worked up I'm not going to be able to stop her you know. Once Snix takes charge you're screwed, for lack of a better term, I've seen her ma'am I'd pIay nice if I were you. I garentee you she's ten times worse than what you remember." The nurse looks cautiously at me and I send her my best bitch glare. I smile at Rachel as the nurse looks possitively terrified of me, as she should be.
Rachel shakes her head amused at my antics as the nurse is getting ready to stick her little bruised arm with the biggest needle i've ever fucking seen. She catches my widening eyes at seeing the sword like needle "nah ah look at me, okay? Ain't no prettier picture around here to look at than yours truely" i joke praying she won't go diva on me and look where I don't want her to. "You think I should get bigger tits? Nothing crazy just next size up? I ask pushing them up and down deep in thought. "Kids your age" this nurse with a death wish grumbles. "I wasn't speaking to you Double D Dolly." I snap. Rachel lets out a bubble of laughter quickly trying to cover it up. "Sanatan honestly" She says all scandalized. "What? I mean I know they're awesome already but they'd totally be awesomer a little bigger. I don't want basketballs like her over there but.." Rachel jumps and mumbles and "ouch" as soon as i say that. "I will fucking kill.." I 'm about to land all sorts of threats on this bitch if she mars her again. "Santana, I'm begging you.." she pleads with a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Fine" i huff.
"I appreciate your efforts of distracton though they are a distracton in and of themselves without your running commentary and insults."
"All done."
"Pardon me nurse...Dolly?"
I burst out laughing, bending over at the waist from the force of my amusement. Rachel sends a few playful smacks my way upon realizing that poor nurses name is not really Dolly. "I'm soo sorry, forgive her please she has a mental condition where she's incapable of acting over the age of five years old. Nurse, would you send the doctor in for my exam? If she has time I mean, since I've only just made my mind up to have it." I'm still laughing as the door closes. "Honest to God Santana Lopez." she growls at me. "You said my tits are a distraction in and of themselves." I say grinning like an idiot. She rolls her eyes but doesn't deny it. I don't know what to do next. She's having the exam! I want to ask if she's sure but I don't want her to change her mind. Nor do I wish to kill the lighthearted mood.
"Just don't leave me, please." she murmers looking down at her balled up fists in her lap.
"Never, baby girl." I rub my hand soothingly up and down her back which seems to calm down the irratic swinging of her legs off the table, and gently prie open a fist and link fingers with hers. All i really wanna do is hold her and tell her this isn't going to be terrifying for her but she's managed to cling to some strength and I know from experience she'll melt in my arms.
"Alright put this on, lay back, put your feet in the sturrups." Says my favorite doctor sauntering through the door without the curtosy to say hello again Rachel, are you sure about this Rachel, you'll be fine ...anything preceding barking that order and hold the fuck up did she just...
"Aye...alright you just toss the gown at her like you were making a basket shot into the trashcan I don't freaking think so."
"San.." Rachel warns.
I move in front of her turning my back to Dr Doolittle and take both of her hands in mine. "Baby girl, you go change and get yourself ready okay? I'ma have a quick chat with this puta. I'm coming right back, okay? I'm right outside the door if you need me baby." She looks nervous but shakes her head okay. I cup her cheeks trying to pass all my strength to her "you got this, it will all be over soon."
The doctor rolls her eyes wen I signal for her to leave out the door with me following behind.
"Look you ignorant little fuck, congrats on your God damn degree but cleary you were asleep during compassion and sensitivity training! It would be one thing if you didn't know what happened to her but you do, she's scared shitless right now and hanging on by a very tiny thread. I'll not stand by and watch you snap it cause you're too fucking busy to be a human being! You don't have to get all sappy and shit but don't let me catch you throwing gowns at her or barking out orders without even a hello or something. Fake smile at her tell her it'll be over soon, she can tell you to stop at anytime, you know shit like that. She's easy, if you mean it or not she won't care she just needs something to hang onto, okay?"
She's staring at me seemingly deep in thought for a few long moments before she decides to answer me. "You're right, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say in these situations it's easier for me to do my job if I stay detached. Otherwise I'll carry all of this home with me. I could make a better effort though, and I'll try okay?"
"Hey, I get it believe me. I don't have a clue how to deal with this either. You get it easy you have her for an hour or so. I'm desperatly trying to keep her from drowning twenty four seven. I pretty much hate people so comfort and pep talks and shit are so not my thing. It took me a week to get her to be okay enough that I could walk out of her exam room wtih you for a couple minutes without her hyperventalating, and you come in here today all business and scary undooing all the progress I somehow have made with her."
"You may think you aren't good at taking care of people but from an outsider looking in you're exactly what she needs. Thats the important part, you're girlfriend's lucky to have you, and you're a bigger help to her than you realize. It's obvious just in the way she trusts you and how she lets you touch her. That's a huge issue for people that have gone thru that type of trama."
"If you say so, I'm pretty much a nervous wreck all the time just trying not to make it worse for her. Uh hold up, she's not my girlfriend. I mean she's a girl and I guess my friend now but we're not girlfriend girlfriends."
"Look I don't care, my brothers gay."
"Uhm great but seriously she's not...we're not together."
She is giving me this look like she absolutely doesn't believe what I'm saying. "Seriously? Well whats stopping you? It's obvious you care about eachother a lot and you already said how much time you're devoting to her getting better and the way you hold her...really?"
"Alright, now you're pissing me off ...again. What's stopping me? Hmm lets see...she was sexually assualted not to long ago for starters! Hows about we go get this overwith before she gets herself so worked up she backs out again." I don't wait for a reply cause I don't wanna hear anything else from her unless its about Rachels condition. I walk back into the room and over to Rachel who's back up on the exam table in those paper gowns with the one little string tie at the neck covering nothing else. I stand next to her once again as one hand moves to cover hers on her upper thigh and the other starts tracing circles and patterns on the exposed strip of her back. I smile upon feeling skin under my fingers on her back. She shivers at the sensation but doesn't ask me to stop which is great cause I'm enjoying myself. The docs explaining how this is gonna work just a quick check and swab or something like that and I'm thrilled to hear her tell her she can ask to stop at anytime, looking directly at me as she says that.
I feel her start to lean back and I'm forced to remove my hand so she can lay back fully on the table.
The minute her head hits the table I'm assuming this puts her in a fucking vunerable powerless position cause her eyes dart to mine wide and terrified. I move down a little closer to where her heads resting now never having let go of her hand. I smile down at her, "you're doing awesome baby girl. It'll be over before you know it okay? Talk to me, tell me about Barbara or something."
Her eyes widen, "you want me to talk about Barbara?"
"Sure, whatever gets your mind off..."I nodd my head toward the other direction of the table.
"I...I don't think I can" she says quietly. Oh boy. I hold 1 finger up to the doctor knowing she's close to loosing her patience, this is taking twice the time we've scheduled and she's prob got a ton of people waiting on us. "Sweetie what is it? Why can't you do it?" I whisper tucking her hair behind her ears. "Its ..it feels wrong like I want her to do it or something I dont know how to explain it but I don't feel in control cause if i was in control I would be doing this at all!"
"What can I do?" I ask, possitively at a loss for what to say.
She sighs. "Nothing, you're perfect. I'm...I'm never going to be ready to do this so just ..don't let go of my hand and lets get it over with."
I smile grabbing her hand in mine,"kay were ready, for reals now."
"Okay, great."
She's shaking, or maybe convusing is a better word. I'm pretty sure a few bones in my hand she's been crushing in hers are broken or fractured. I'll know better when I get the nerve to uncurl my hand but the impending pain gives me pause in that. She did good, I guess. No screaming or crying or panic attacks she was numb. So, maybe that's not so good. It's like all the emotion just left her body once the doc started the checkup. Okay well put that way definately not good. I went to leave her to get dressed but she asked me to stay. I'm pretending to be intersted in the brochures when I hear a lot of rustling and cursing going on behind me. Before I can ask what's going on I hear her voice, slight embarresment in it "Um I seem to be missing my...uhm.." I smile and reach into my pocket. Resisting the urge to turn around and catch her half undressed I simply fling them over my shoulder to her. She yelps and I can't help that my body naturally turned to see what had happened...there she stood unamused expression on her face, arms crossed and her black lace panties hanging off of her head. I crack up laughing immediately, "Unbelievable!" she hisses at me, and although she tries to hide it I see the corners of her mouth twitch in a smile. I spin back around still laughing and follow her out the door when she's done.
She's eerily quiet as we wait for the elevator and I don't know what to say so I just let her to her thoughts. We climb on the elevator and hit G for the parking garage. 10 floors up and I'd have taken the stairs up and down had she not been all broken cause seriously these things scare the shit out of me. Big metal boxes dangling on a string? No thanks. Suddenly the elevator jerks and bangs then stops completely. This can not be happening. My mind is racing and are the walls closing in? why didn't I notice how fucking small this elevator was before I got on? I'm jerked back into reality when Rachels suddenly stading right in front of my hands rubbing up and down my arms. "Santana did you hear me?" I shake my head no un able to form words. "Breathe, honey." I take a breath that turns into a gasp. I hadn't realized I wasn't breathing! "oh god all the oxygen!" I whimper about how much I just sucked in to catch my breath. She smiles softly. "Were okay honey, didn't you hear me on the phone with maintence?"
"Huh? No? What happened?"
"Shh. It's okay deep breaths...there is plent of oxygen honey breathe please."
"Why did it stop!" I cry.
"Are you caustrophobic?" she asks gently as she moves to my side to rub circles on my back.
"No and I'm not scared." I bite back.
She laughs outright. "It's okay if you're scared Santana, for God sakes I was just completely terrified in that office."
"When are they gonna let us out?" I ask ignoring her comment.
"An hour."
I can't breathe and I sware to god the elevator just tilted on its axis. Strong arms encircle my wasit and I find myself wrapped up in her arms. She sways us gently whispering in my ear. "I can't make it an hour!" I gasp feeling the panic build up inside me. She hold me at arms length and her lips are moving but I can't hear anything except a buzzing noise...she's getting blurry too. Why is she blurry? Oh God I did use up the oxygen! I knew it I...my paniced thoughts stop when I feel something press against my lips. Out of sheer habit mine seem to spring to life against the other pair that have latched onto mine. My head focuses suddenly and I realize Rachel and I are kissing...why are we kissing! Sweet Jesus her lips are so soft and full and ...yummy. Mmm. I respond deepening the kiss slightly as I run my tounge against her bottom lip then nibble on it getnly. She moans in response and parts her lips sending shockwaves straight to my core. I pull her closer to me as her talented tounge dances with mine as we explore eachothers mouths. Holy shit she's good at this. Aparently singing isn't the only thing this mouth of hers has mastered. Suddenly the elevator jerks again and I gasp and retract my lips as we're once again on the move down. She licks her swollen and cherry red lips looking up at me with hooded eyes. "So much better than Finn" she mummbles causing me to break out in a fit of laugher. "Duh, little D I can do everything better than Finn! And that was just a kiss" I say with a wink. She smiles back rolling her eyes and we get off the elevator as her arm links with mine we head back to my car surprisingly normal and not awkward.
"So...we like kissed." I say awkwardly, halfway back to my house now. "My rambling was not helping to calm you down, and you looked pale and as though you were moments from fainting so I did what I thought would grab your attention." She looks over smiling at me "and it worked!"
"You've definately been hanging out with me too much." I laugh.
"Was...was it bad?" She asks suddenly self concious.
"Lemmie let you in on some secrets little D, if the person you're kissing is moaning and pulling you in closer and deeping the kiss...it's definately NOT bad."
She lets out a shakey breath. "Okay, well you're pretty well known for your kissing abilities and you're the hottest girl in school so forgive me if I need some reassurances that you were put off by kissing a hobbit."
"Stop. Don't put yourself down baby girl, that mouth of yours is talented in more ways than just singing. You've met me, correct? When have I ever lied? We've been over this..."
"I know I know I'm sorry I don't know what came over me back there but it was defniately...enjoyable. And San...the rumors don't do your lips any justice." Emotional rollercoaster ride is up and running today thats for sure. Christ, I hope to God I never have to handle hers and Q's at the same time.
"Were you okay? I mean are you okay? Cause the whole..well you know ..did I scare you?" That sounded a fuck lot better in my head.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I didn't panic at all you kinda like knocked all the thoughts out of my head. It was nice, nice to shut the voices up."
"Voices? You're gonna have to fill me in here munchkin."
"Yeah voices. They're loud and constant."
"About what? Are you like schitzophernic? Have they always been there?"
She laughs a little self conciously "you look creeped out."
"Don't worry about me I'm all good, you just told me you're hearing voices I'm ... I don't know how to take that is all."
"They were kinda there before sometimes you know normal thougths like I'm ugly I'll never be good enough that sorta stuff but now there..like after that thing happened to me..its just like racing thougths about the million possibilities for what happened during the moments I'd blacked out and will i ever get over this, will i ever be able to be in a normal relationship or not be terrified of someoen touching me, just non stop stuff like that I'm not hearing voices telling me to blow up buildings or anything like that"
"What about to hurt yourself, do any tell you that?"
"Hurt, as in to kill myself?"
"Uh, yeah that too or like cut yourself or I don't know you tell me"
"Not a lot but sometimes. Remember when I told you I sometimes just think I should just let the darkness consume me or go to that dark place so I won't feel this anymore? I've thought that if I wasn't around or alive the non stop thoughts would finally shut up and I'd have peace." She says in an alarmingly calm voice as she stares blankly out of the window.
I quickly pull the car over and turn fully to look at her. "Rachel, this is serious baby girl, how serious was that thought? Did you think of how you could do that? Or were you tempted to try something to stop your thoughts as you put it?"
"No need to over react, Santana."
"I'm definately not over reacting. Answer the question and don't even think about lying."
She looks deep in thought for a few seconds that feel more like hours to me. My hearts pounding and my palms are starting to sweat. Maybe I am in way over my freaking head. I don't know how to handle someone suicidal. Finally her eyes meet mine. "No, thats all the really were. Like when I'd think I can't take it anymore the pain, embarrasement and shame and not knowing my mind would race and one of the things I thought of were well one way to make it stop is to not be here anymore I'd debate on running away but then it follows you still or seeing a shrink and getting drugged up but drugs are addicting and can take more away than just the pain then I thought if I was dead ..well you know. It was like twice or so and I didn't dwell on it cause I don't want to die, San."
"Okay, can you just like talk to me next time that shit runs through your head? I don't know what I'll say but I can definately do something to distract you from those thoughts or something, okay? Don't let him win, Rach. He can't take anything more from you than what he has without you giving it to him."
She nodds and I reach out to grab her hand. "You are going to give me grey hair, little D I swear to God."
She giggles "well you're the one that derailed our lovely conversation about our kiss to this!"
"Mmm, I did didn't I? Well care to remind me of our kiss? It's been a while I'm starting to forget..." I chance grinning at her.
Her eyes go wide. "A-are you serious or you messing with me?"
I shrug "I wants on those Berry lips and I wants on them now. Besides, I much prefer this method of stoping your raging thoughts than the one we were discussing." She looks over at me intently nibbling on her bottom lip, I've never been one for patience so I crook my finger at her signalling for her to at least meet me half way. She's gotta be in the lead of this I don't need her freaking out on me. I tug her hand gently and finally she springs to action leaning over and gently pressing her lips on mine. I'm totally prepared to hold back and try and let her lead but she seems a bit stuck so I encorage her by running my tounge over her lower lip. She takes the hint and deepens the kiss, hands threading through my hair pulling me impossibly closer. After a few moments of being completely lost and caught up in her talented mouth, I reluctantly pull away desperate for air. She's not even breathing that heavily. Those are some lungs she's got. "That jog you're memory? That certainly knocked any coherant thought right out of my head" she says licking her lips. I groan at the sight of her licking her lips.
"Yes, and anytime you need help with that you know where to find me." I wink turning the car back onto the road.