DISCLAIMER! I don't own any original characters, yada yada yada. All rights go to the lovely ladies that make up Erin Hunter. Enjoy! Another chapter of good intentions (and not so good ones!) gone awry.
...Three moons later...
Spottedleaf was rummaging through the undergrowth in search of more herbs. that bitch Hollowback used up most of her inventory when he was injured. Her poor supply was still dwindling all this time later. Her swollen belly hung heavily underneath her, preventing her from getting low enough to see under the gorse bushes. Instead of cursing and becoming infuriated, she simply sighed and tried to part the rough branches. Her recent seminar, 'How to Hold Your Tail High, Despite All These Motherfuckers and Their Bitchassery' at the edge of Twolegplace had shown her a thing or two about patience. She dug around for more marigolds, hooking a few on her paws to rip out. "I got a paw, got a paw full'a sunshine..." She merrily mewed as she plucked along, her belly comically swaying under her.
"LOOK THE FUCK OUT!" She heard the screeching sound above her. She froze in terror. Suddenly Darkstrips' fat ass came hurtling out of an oak tree nearby. The warrior was headed right for the medicine cat. Spottedleaf ducked and the striped cat flew over her, the wind from his flight ruffling the fur on her ears. Face first, he smashed into the ground a few pawsteps ahead of her.
By the pissed off look on the pregnant she-cat's muzzle, it appeared as though that seminar wasn't quite as effective as one would have thought.
"HEY. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR DEAL?" She growled, stomping toward Darkstrips.
The tom was petrified by the hormonally-charged and raging behemoth-bitch of a she-cat that was coming at him. "I-I'uh was h-h-hunti-"
"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE?! CAN YOU NOT TELL I'M WITH KITS? YOU STUPID FOX-HEARTED, MOUSE-BRAINED, ASININE..."
Bluestar and Tigerclaw padded side by side through the brush toward the border with ShadowClan to hunt. Suddenly they heard an ungodly sound coming from the foliage next to the training grounds. "...FOX-HEARTED, MOUSE-BRAINED, ASININE SON OF A SHE-CAT!"
The two cats paused. "Who the fuck is that?" Whispered Tigerclaw.
Bluestar slowly turned to him. "GrassClan cats, obviously." She rolled her eyes. "How fucking stupid can you be?" She growled.
"Um, GrassClan doesn't even exi-"
"ARE YOU CALLIN' ME A LIAR? I'M THE LEADER, I THINK I KNOW MY CLANS, THANKS." Bitchy Bluestar snarled.
"Sorry.." He meowed. "Bitch." He muttered.
Spottedleaf was tense, spitting furiously at Darkstrips when suddenly they heard the bushes rustling. Instantly the crazy ass medicine cat calmed down.
"What's that noise?" She meowed.
Darkstrips remained unmoving.
"Must be WindClan cats! Those mongrels! Quick, Darkshits, we must prepare for an attack!" She hissed courageously.
Still, Darkstrips lie unmoving, paralyzed by fear.
Spottedleaf crouched (pathetically) behind the warrior that lay belly up and motionless, ever so slowly bringing her head up above his stomach to peer into the bushes.
Suddenly, Bitchy Bluestar and her sidekick Tigerclaw bust through the bushes, shrieking like the dickens.
"STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Yowled Tigerclaw, leaping forward.
However, the tabby tom totally missed his target, falling very short. Bluestar ferociously pounded into the clearing behind Tigerclaw. Unfortunately, a thorny branch snagged on her nappy pelt and flung off its native plant, only to land over the crazed leader of ThunderClans' eyes.
"OH, OH GOD. SWEET MOTHER OF CATS! HELP! CLANSTARS, HELP!" She screeched, flinging in circles. Her careless panic caused her to spiral (uncontrollably) close to Tigerclaw. In one last (horribly sad) effort to shake the branch off, Bluestar spun around, spearing Tigerclaw in the ass with the biggest thorn on the stick.
"AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He cried, pitifully mewling.
Meanwhile, Darkstrips and Spottedleaf just stared, jaws agape.
"I think we need to reevaluate our governmental representatives.." Meowed Darkstrips after a silence settled over the training hollow.