THIRTEEN

It was worse. Far worse.

Fire was everywhere, buildings burning like torches as smoke filled the night sky and mixed with the mako smog that always lay above the city, and to our right, the blackened husk of the reactor was a shattered husk ruin smoldering from the explosion. We stood together in a small courtyard about ten feet or so below street level, and a set of stairs rose up to the road nearby. Bits of debris and shards of broken glass covered the ground, and the wail of sirens filled the air.

My god, what have I done!?

"No…" I breathed aloud. "It can't be…"

Rubble littered the nearby street, and the steel girders of the closest buildings were torn and twisted. But how could that be? The blast from the bomb should never have gone past the reactor, let alone wrecked so much havoc and caused so much devastation. My blood ran cold at the sight of it. Had I miscalculated somehow? As I stood there, my eyes on the nightmarish sight around me, I could almost hear Scarlet laughing in my mind, delighted at what I'd caused.

Well done, Jessica! Very impressive indeed!

My hands clenched into fists at my sides almost on their own, and it was all I could do to keep from trembling. I stared at the inferno, not wanting to believe what I'd done, but I couldn't deny it. All this was my fault. Without a doubt. How many people had I hurt? How many had I killed? I had finally become exactly what Scarlet had wanted me to be, an agent of death and destruction. I'd left Shinra, but not my past. And she'd won in the end. I felt like throwing up.

"Was this… really us?" Biggs stared at the devasation.

Wedge sighed and shook his head. "I… I don't know… but what if it was? I didn't think it would be like this…"

"What's done is done," Cloud said, his eyes meeting mine.

"The merc's right," Barret nodded. "I know you're all worried. This a tough path we on. But I'm here for ya! Whatever your problem, I got ya covered. We in this together, right to the end."

Although Biggs and Wedge relaxed a bit, I couldn't. The aftermath of what I'd done was all around me, everywhere I looked. I hated it and was starting to hate myself as well. The others would worry if they saw I was upset, though, so I slipped on a cheerful mask and gave them one of my most confident grins. Barret, Biggs, and Wedge all bought it, but Cloud didn't look quite as convinced. I wasn't surprised, but in a way, it made me feel a little better. I didn't have to pretend so much with him. I just hoped I could convince him to stay with us.

"So what now, boss?" Biggs asked.

Barret pumped the fist of his good hand. "Let's get our asses home! Make for the station, but split up. We'll meet on the train. Cargo car in the back. Now get goin', all of ya! An' stay safe!"

Me, Biggs, and Wedge all gave him a thumbs up. "Copy that!"

Then the three of us raced up the nearby stairs and hurried around the corner. But while Biggs and Wedge made their way into the street, I decided to wait for Cloud. I leaned casually against a nearby wall along the road not far from the top of the stairs, my thoughts troubled as my eyes lingered on the damaged plaza in front of me. People milled about back and forth or stood together amidst all the rubble while small fires burned here and there and emergency announcements played over the loudspeakers that had been set up in the area.

A minute or two later, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, but it wasn't Cloud. They were a little too heavy for him. Barret stomped out onto the street, nodded to me, and I nodded back. Then he headed off to my right down the road in the same direction Biggs and Wedge had gone. After a moment, when I did hear Cloud, I took the green materia orb I'd found in the reactor out of my belt pouch and held it as an idea came to mind. He'd saved me again back there—twice, actually—and I wanted him to know how much it meant to me.

He didn't see me when he came into view, so I quickly tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. "Hey, there!"

"Jessie?" Cloud asked, turning around.

"Here. A little reward for my hero," I said, holding out the glowing green materia orb as I walked over to see him.

He took it. "Restore materia. Where'd you get it?"

"Found it back in the reactor while you and Barret were off having fun down below. I'd like you to have it. For saving my life again. You're starting to make a habit of it, you know."

"I'll save you as many times as you need," Cloud told me, his bright baby blues finding my browns. "That's a promise."

My heart skipped a beat. "Gonna hold you to that, merc."

Then I hugged him tight, needing a bit of comfort in the middle of all the death I'd caused. Butterflies fluttered lazily in my stomach as he awkwardly slid his arms around me, returning the embrace. It was only the second time I'd been in his arms, and it felt good. It felt right. As he he held me, I was able to forget about what had happened, even if only for a moment, and I started feeling a little better.

"Mind letting me breathe?" Cloud finally asked.

I laughed as I loosened my grip on him a little. "Oh, I suppose. Just wanted you to know you're appreciated."

More than you know…

Cloud didn't reply, but he didn't break our close contact, either. So I laid my head on his right shoulder for a minute—the left was covered by that armored pauldron with its thick bolts, which didn't look all that comfortable—and just enjoyed being near him. But I knew we couldn't stay here long, so I finally let go of him and sighed.

"Guess we should go," I said. "See you on the train?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You'd better be there."

I pointed at him and winked. "Same to you, SOLDIER boy."

Then I waved and hurried off down the street. As I slipped nimbly through the crowds and past piles of rubble, I tried not to look around too much. I knew this place, this area. I'd lived in Sector 8 for two years before I'd had to leave it all behind and start over in the slums, and the sight of it damaged and burning tore at my heart. Memories of walking through a lot of these same streets, often with Kunsel at night after my performances, lingered in my mind. I'd always hoped to come back one day. I just wished it hadn't been like this.

As I quickly and carefully made my way around the shattered ruins of a collapsed building that was still burning in places, I toyed with the idea of making a detour that would take me to LOVELESS Theater. I'd been gone for a long time, but I still missed it and the friends I'd made there. I hoped they were alright. And Aerith, too. I figured she still sold her flowers there at night, and I was sorely tempted to go and see her. I missed her. But I didn't have time to visit, much as I wanted to. The last train to the slums for today was leaving soon.

I also thought of my old friend Marissa and was very glad that she didn't live out this way anymore. She was in Sector 4, last I'd heard, and was safe from the hellscape I'd unleashed. As for Kunsel… I could only hope. He was a SOLDIER, though, so I wasn't as worried about him as I was for Aerith. A rush of bittersweet memories flooded my mind as I rounded the corner a moment later and soon found myself passing the tall, red brick apartment building I used to live in. My eyes went up on their own to the third floor, to my old home.

Fortunately, the building was largely undamaged aside from a little blackening of the outside walls in places. The metal fire escape ladders were all intact, too. I was glad it hadn't been blasted and torn like lot of other buildings. So, it seemed I hadn't completely destroyed my former neighborhood. That comforted me a little, although it was still terribly hard for me to see it in shambles. A cafe across the street, where Kunsel and I used to eat sometimes, was just a flaming wreck now. Shops that I'd loved to browse in with my friends were gone.

The station was just a short ways up the street, but I was so focused on getting there and making my way through the crowds of people, too many of them hurt, and trying without success to ignore the heartache that seemed to grow deeper with every step, that I almost didn't see the familiar figure nearby. A tall, dark-skinned girl about my age with long black hair and gold hoop earrings was standing on the sidewalk, which was still in one piece along this section of the road. When I got a good look at her, my eyes widened and I rushed over.

"Kayla!?" I exclaimed.

She looked up at me. "Hmm? Do I know—wait a minute… Jessie!? Oh, my… is that you!? Is that really you, girl!?"

I nodded excitedly. "It's me, Kayla!"

"Jessie!" she gasped, flying into my arms. "You're alive! I thought… after you disappeared… I'd never see you again…"

"I missed you, too," I murmured.

Aside from Aerith, Kayla had been my best friend during the time I'd still lived here. She'd been the one who'd told me about the audition for LOVELESS, and although she hadn't gotten the part herself, we had remained close friends ever since. We used to perform together a lot in those days before LOVELESS and had stayed in touch afterward. She'd also been my understudy in the play and had likely taken over the role after I'd left, although I'd seen I was still featured on all the posters and flyers. They were just about everywhere up here.

"What happened?" Kayla asked as she let go of me. "Where've you been for the past two years, Jessie? It's been so long…"

"A lot's happened in that time," I said. "My life… it's different now. A lot different. I can't go into any details, but I'll fill you in later if I can. There's… a lot you don't know about me, Kayla."

She took my shoulder. "Whatever it is, I'm still you're friend. Don't worry. It's so good to see you again! And to know you're alright. Even if you do look a lot different than I remember."

I glanced at my outfit and chuckled. "It's part of what I do now. As I said, a different life. I don't get to wear those fancy dresses very much anymore. But I've never forgotten this place."

"I like it," Kayla grinned. "Got a bit of a tough girl look, you know? Guess you've been busy kicking some ass?"

"Something like that," I smirked.

She nodded. "Well, keep up the good fight, okay? Never knew you could do stuff like that, but I guess you can learn a lot in two years. I've been carrying on for you in LOVELESS, best I can. Do you think you'll ever come back, by the way? We all miss you."

I wanted to, very much. "I hope so, Kayla. But I don't know how or when. Tell Angel and the others I'm alright, though, will you? And that I miss them, too. I'll find a way back one day."

"I'll give them the message," she promised. "Jessie Jae's alive."

I smirked. "That she is! Now I'd better—"

She gazed uncertainly at me. "Jessie? What is it?"

"You're hurt!" I gasped, noticing her arm.

"Oh, this?" Kayla said, rubbing it where it was heavily bandaged. "I got clipped by some debris from one of the secondary explosions while I was on my way home. Luckily it wasn't too bad, though, and a medic patched me up. It hurts a bit, but I'll be okay."

I sighed. "I'm so sorry…"

"Hey, it wasn't your fault, Jessie," she assured me.

But it is. All of this is…

What would Kayla think if she knew that it was my bomb that had caused all of this death and destruction and had hurt her as well? She'd been lucky, but too many others hadn't. She could've easily been killed. And I would've been responsible for it. The knowledge tore at my heart like a monster's claws, ones sharpened by guilt. Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself together as much as I could.

"Well, Kayla, as great as it's been to see you again, I'd better mosey," I said. "I've got a train to catch. Take care, okay?"

She nodded. "You too, girl."

Then I hurried away, heading further up the street to the station. I glanced behind me and saw Cloud just rounding the corner a long way back. After waving to him and flashing him a little smirk, I went ahead onto the platform and found Barret, Biggs, and Wedge all there waiting amidst the crowd and the train standing near it, the doors closed at the moment while the attendants tried to keep order. Around us, we heard more rumblings from the fiery aftermath of the reactor explosion, and the hushed murmur of conversation hung in the air.

"'Bout time, Jessie," Barret grunted.

"Sorry, got delayed," I shrugged. "They're not boarding yet?"

Biggs grimaced. "In a minute. It's chaos out here."

I nodded. "Yeah. Well, that should give Cloud a chance to catch up. He oughta be here soon, he wasn't far behind me."

"Man, I really wanna get back home," Wedge sighed.

"No kidding," Biggs agreed.

It wasn't all that long before the train doors finally slid open. Barret pointed. "Awright, guys. Let's go. Hurry up an' get on."

Wedge blinked. "What about Cloud?"

"He knows where to meet us," I said. "He'll make it."

Barret motioned for us to get onto the train. "Jessie's right. Now get movin' unless you wanna stay here all night."

We did as he'd said, hurrying aboard the train one after another as he followed behind. But just as we got inside, the station was suddenly rocked by a tremor, another aftershock from the reactor explosion, and chunks of debris fell everywhere, jagged chunks of concrete and metal burying the platform in a mountain of debris.

"Shit!" I rushed to the closest window. "Cloud!"

Biggs joined me. "Damn… I hope he wasn't caught in that."

Barret snorted. "Doubt it. Anyway, let's head to the cargo car. Ain't really a good idea for us to be hangin' out here with everyone else, least 'till SOLDIER boy shows up. We'll wait for him there."

So we made our way through the passenger cars backward through the train until we came to the cargo car. It was, as we'd expected, empty, and we got settled in amidst the wooden crates and boxes. Biggs leaned against the wall by the loading door while Wedge sat across from him, his legs crossed and his back to one of the crates.

Barret stood nearby, tapping the fingers of his good hand on top of another tall crate while I settled in a little further back and gazed up at the ceiling, worrying about Cloud. I also couldn't helping thinking of the bomb and all the destruction I'd caused. I hadn't wanted this, not at all. But as Cloud had said, it was done. No turning back now. I hated it, and as the engines rumbled to life and we finally got underway, I knew things were never gonna be the same anymore. I kept quiet as we rode away, my thoughts uneasy and my heart aching.

"Guess Cloud didn't make it," Wedge said after a while.

Biggs looked up. "Think they caught him? Doesn't seem likely, but with all the soldiers around…"

Barret slammed his fist down onto the crate. "Hell no! Merc wants his goddamn money, an' he ain't lettin' nothin' stand in the way of that. I guarantee it. He'll show up."

"Cloud…" I murmured. "He'll be alright."

"You sure?" Wedge asked.

I smiled confidently at him and the others. "Yeah. No doubt about it, Wedge. He told me he'd be here, and I know he's not going to let me down. He'll catch up, don't worry."

"Yeah, you're right, Jessie!" he grinned. "Cloud'll come back to us."

Biggs nodded. "You two saw him in action. Guy's a one-man army. He won't go down easy. Think he'll stick with us, boss?"

Barret shrugged as he tapped his fingers on the crate again. "Hell if I know. I jus' work here. I ain't no mind reader… I wouldn't even need him if y'all could jus' keep it together!"

Me, Biggs, and Wedge all flinched at the reprimand, but although I knew we weren't exactly professionals, we tried hard. Barret seemed to regret what he'd said because he relaxed a bit and his usually stern gaze softened just a little, showing the worry he always felt for us. But just as he was about to say something else, a sudden thump from above us cut him off. We all looked up at once, and then just seconds later, someone was banging on the outside of the loading door.

Barret motioned to us, then quickly moved over across from Biggs by the door while Wedge joined me toward the back. As Biggs drew his gun and held it ready, Barret grabbed the door with his good hand and nodded. As soon as he'd nodded back, Barret pulled open the door and whipped up his gun-arm just as a familiar figure in black somersaulted inside. My eyes widened and my heart leapt at the sight of blond spikes and that big sword, and sure enough, it was him. As soon as he landed, Barret let his arm drop as Biggs did the same.

"Cloud!" Biggs, Wedge, and I cheered at the same time.

He smirked. "Showed up late, I guess."

Oh, but that didn't matter to me. I'd known he'd make it. Cloud was here with us now, and I had just loved that flashy entrance of his. It was definitely his style. He casually stood there in the cargo car, so hot and nonchalant, and for just a moment I was able to forget about how hurt I was about what had happened tonight. When Cloud's eyes met mine, I felt almost giddy, my so stomach full of butterflies I almost thought I could fly. I couldn't help smiling at him.

"Was worried aboutcha," Barret started. Then he blinked. "I mean, you goddamn right you're late, SOLDIER boy! Think you can jus' drop on in here an' make a big scene like that?"

Cloud raised an eyebrow. "You were worried about me?"

Barret stepped back. "What!? Hell no! Keep makin' smart remarks like that an it'll come outta your pay, merc!"

"Suit yourself," he shrugged.

Barret just grunted, then turned to us. "Hmph! C'mon, people! We movin' up front. Now that SOLDIER boy's decided to show up, we can finally get comfortable. So move out, y'all!"

Without waiting for us to follow him, he went on through the door into the next car. Me, Biggs, and Wedge were all still grinning at Cloud, and I kinda liked how he had put Barret in his place like that. He didn't seem comfortable with our unabashed admiration, but he didn't brush us off, either. Looked like we were growing on him. I was glad to see it, and I knew the guys really looked up to him.

"You were awesome back there, Cloud!" Wedge laughed.

Biggs holstered his gun and slapped him on the back. "We're gonna do even better on the next one! Just wait and see!"

"Definitely!" Wedge agreed. "It's gonna be great!"

"Hell yeah!" I exclaimed.

Biggs winked at me, then glanced knowingly at Wedge. "Let's move up front. Don't wanna keep Barret waiting."

Wedge chuckled. "Oh, right! Can't have that!"

Those guys, they never changed. I knew exactly what they were up to, of course, and I smiled my thanks as they left. They knew how I felt about Cloud and had given me a chance to be alone with him. Since he still planned on leaving as far as I knew, I wasn't sure how many more I would have. So I would take as many as I could get.

Neither of us said anything at first. There was just the sound of the wheels coasting smoothly over the tracks, the rumbling of the engines, and the wind blowing past the open loading door. The breeze from the train's acceleration tossed my ponytail around a little as I stood quietly together with Cloud in the empty cargo car.

"I'll get this. Just a sec," I said, going over to the loading door. After pulling it shut, I turned around and laughed. "Damn, I wish you could see yourself, Cloud! Your face is pitch black!"

I hadn't really noticed at first, happy as I was that he'd made it onto the train, but his face was covered in dust and soot from running along the top of the train through plumes of engine smoke. It didn't look like he even realized how dirty he was, and seeing that just made me laugh even more. He really was just way too cute.

Cloud stared at me. "It is?"

I put my hands on my hips. "You bet! But not to worry. I've got just the thing! Hold still and I'll clean you right up!"

After taking a soft cloth and bottle of water out of my belt pouch, I wet the cloth and got started. His arms first, which were also dirty, one and then the other, getting all the black off from his shoulders down to his wrists. The gentle contact with his bare skin made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy, but I did my best to ignore it. Still, it felt good to hold onto him like this and be so close to him. When I started to clean his face, it was all I could do to concentrate on the job. His bright baby blues made my heart race as they gazed quietly at me.

"Almost there," I said, putting my things away.

Then I took out a little bottle of sanitizer out of my belt pouch and dabbed some onto the palm of my glove. After putting the bottle away, I took his arm and started rubbing the clear lotion into his skin. Then I did the same for the other arm. Once I put a bit more onto my glove, I applied the sanitizer to his face. It didn't take long as I carefully spread it out in soft, even strokes, but I didn't let go right away. My eyes locked on his, and my heart hammered against my chest. I wasn't really sure I wanted to let go of him. But eventually, I did.

"How's that feel, Cloud?" I wondered. "Better?"

He nodded. "Much. Thanks."

I smiled. "Glad I could help. Least I could do for my hero."

"You always keep cleaning stuff on you?" he asked, pointing at my belt pouch as I put the bottle of sanitizer away.

I chuckled, flattered by his interest, and folded my arms in front of me. "Yep! Never really know when you'll need to scrub up. It sure came in handy tonight, though, didn't it?"

"Seems that way," Cloud agreed.

Then my eyes widened as my gaze drifted down to his chest. "Now there's something you don't see every day…"

It was a flower, a real one. A bright yellow lily with the stem tucked carefully between Cloud's ribbed, sleeveless shirt and one of his brown leather suspenders. Only one person I knew of could grow real flowers in Midgar. He must've met her while on his way here. So she had been out there tonight. And unharmed. Knowing Aerith was fine took some of the weight off my mind. And it amused me that she'd convinced him to actually buy a flower from her. I didn't have a clue how she'd done it, but I knew just how persistent she could be.

Cloud blinked. "See what?"

"A flower," I answered, pointing at it. "That is, a real one. I've heard it's really hard to grow them here in Midgar."

I wondered who he was going to give it to. Probably Tifa since he'd known her for so long, although I hoped it would be me. Or maybe he might surprise us and give the flower to Marlene. I wasn't entirely sure how Barret would take that. He still didn't trust Cloud much, although I hoped that would change after tonight.

Cloud took the flower and held it out to me. "You'll manage."

My mouth fell open and my heart just about went into overdrive. I couldn't believe it. "For me…? Oh, Cloud! Really?"

"Yeah," he said. "Call it an apology."

I paused as I reached for the flower. "For what?"

"For not telling you I was in SOLDIER," Cloud explained. "I didn't want to scare you away. Not everyone likes them."

"You're forgiven," I grinned, taking the blossom.

He folded his arms across his chest. "Thanks, Jessie. So… it doesn't bother you, then? What I was?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Not a bit."

"Good," Cloud nodded.

"Afraid I'd run away screaming once I found out?" I teased, tucking the flower carefully into my belt on my right hip.

He scratched his head and blinked. "Not exactly, but…"

I laughed and playfully batted my eyelashes at him. "Oh, you're not getting rid of me that easily, SOLDIER boy."

"You think I want to?" he smirked.

The butterflies flew faster in my stomach as I stepped a little closer to Cloud, my eyes never leaving his. "So… what's your fee for a flower? Mercs always wanna get paid, right?"

Cloud shrugged. "Don't need one."

"Is that so?" I chuckled. "Hmm…"

After thinking it over for a moment, I decided to be a little daring. My heart raced madly at the thought of what I was gonna do, but I just smiled at him and didn't back down. Instead, I leaned in close, laid my hands on his shoulders, and pressed my lips lightly against his cheek. A rush of heat swept under my skin at the contact, and Cloud gasped, his eyes going wider than I'd ever seen them. Smiling, I gently pulled away and let go, my lips still tingling from the kiss.

"Well, you got one anyway," I winked.

"I…" Cloud stammered.

I giggled, still a little overcome myself and feeling almost giddy. "A little tongue-tied, are we? That's alright. You'll be fine. But really, thank you for the flower, Cloud. I'll treasure it."

"You're welcome," he replied.

"Guess we'd better head up front," I suggested.

Cloud nodded as I got moving. "Right. But before we do that, there was something I wanted to ask you."

I paused. "What's that?"

"On the way here, I passed by a theater," he answered. "There was a big poster there, with a girl on it. It was you, wasn't it?"

So my earlier hunch had been right. The place he'd described could only have been LOVELESS Theater. Although I didn't really talk about my past very much to anyone, I felt comfortable with Cloud. I knew he would understand. And I wanted to be closer to him, not just because I was in love with him but also to let him know me better. I enjoyed our friendship and wanted to learn more about him. He fascinated me and was really easy on the eyes. Always a plus.

I chuckled. "Yeah, that's me. Want an autograph?"

"Maybe later," Cloud nodded. "So that was your life on the plate. It couldn't have been easy to give it up. What happened?"

I walked away a few steps. "It's complicated…"

He wasn't surprised. "So I gathered. Can you tell me?"

"Yeah," I murmured as I looked at my flower. "I'd like to. The short version, at least. It'll be good for me to talk about it."

Cloud moved closer to me. "Go ahead."

"How about we sit down first?" I suggested.

He agreed, so we had a seat together on the floor with our backs to the wall and our feet in front of us. I took the flower out of my belt and gazed at it, spinning it slowly between my fingers as I wondered where to begin. Nerves overwhelmed me, I think because I'd never really told my story to anyone in the slums, not even Tifa. She and the others only knew some of it. And seeing that bright yellow flower brought back so many bittersweet memories of the life I'd lost.

Cloud laid a hand on my shoulder. "Hey. Just relax."

I blinked away a tear. "Thanks. But I'll be okay. I just haven't talked about this much. It's a little hard, you know?"

"You don't have to," he said.

"I want to," I smiled, shaking my head. "I like you, Cloud. And I… want to let you in, let you know me."

Cloud nodded and let go. "I'm listening."

Looking fondly at him, I knew then that it would be alright for me to share my past with him. The terrible secrets I'd kept for so long even from my closest friends were safe with him. His strong, quiet presence reassured me and helped me relax and forget for a while about what I'd seen and done in Sector 8 tonight. I needed to get my mind off it until I could find a way to deal with what had happened.

So, after taking a deep breath, I told Cloud my story.