Empty Apartment: Chapter 51

Author's Note: I'm baaaaack! Sorry for another long wait, but, uh, I think this one is interesting. Real talk, this chapter went exactly as planned until the very last conversation where I don't know what possessed me. Some need for honest communication, I guess lol. Y'all should definitely let me know how you feel about the end of this chapter (and all of it in general).

Oh! Also, I have not been giving credit where credit is due. LolitaMick14 has been working on translating this story into Spanish for years. Major props for that! If anyone has ever wished they could read this story in Spanish, LolitaMick14 made it exist!

Anyway, read on! And as always, thanks for your support and for taking this journey with me :)

Tuesday, April 22nd

Easter weekend came and went, with Linda and Phineas having dinner on Sunday (Candace was staying at school to work on some case study), and then Linda getting on a plane on Monday to go to an old band reunion.

Phineas would have the house to himself for a few days, something that he had mixed feelings about. However, he knew his mom had been looking forward to the trip, so he tried to think of it as a positive thing. Even if a part of him worried that it was an opportunity for him and Isabella to be left alone. Since the promposal, she'd been extra affectionate, and he'd been… Well, on edge was putting it lightly.

He wasn't sure if he could handle an evening alone with her. It was hard enough to handle their history class that morning.

Mr. Ray was going through a slideshow with them, and they were taking notes- or at least that's what they were supposed to be doing. Instead, he and Isabella were passing each other notes back and forth regarding prom attire.

Isabella was going to go shopping over the weekend to try and find her dress, and after that, Phineas could get his tux to match her.

Isabella had written him back about boutonnieres when the phone on Mr. Ray's desk began to ring. He paused his lecture and went to answer it.

Phineas couldn't hear what was being said over the phone, but he could see that whatever it was wasn't good. Mr. Ray looked like he'd just been told bad news, and the class seemed to gather that, even though he only seemed to be agreeing with whoever was on the phone. It was his fallen facial expression that gave him away.

Once Mr. Ray hung up the phone, students began asking what was wrong, but Mr. Ray silenced them. He then turned to Phineas. "Phineas, they need you in the office."

Phineas felt like cold water had just been thrown over him. Without any details, he knew something bad had happened, but all he could do was get up and go to the office.

Silently he hoped it wasn't as bad as Mr. Ray's face had made it look.

When Phineas arrived at the office, the school secretary quickly escorted him to the counselor's office. Mrs. Morris was sitting at her desk, her blond hair bobbing up in down in its high ponytail as she nodded along with the person on the phone.

The secretary motioned for Phineas to sit down in the empty chair in front of the desk. He took the seat, only for her to immediately shut him in the room.

His skin was crawling. When he was young, he'd been in plenty of offices like this as they tried to understand his behavior. He didn't like being back. His mind was jumping to a million different reasons for why he was called in, most of them impossible.

His loudest thought involved the counselor having figured out something about what he'd done with Ferb, but there was no way it could be that. If it was, Ferb wouldn't still be in first period.

His shoulder begged to be dug at, and Phineas had to hold his hands still in his lap as he wondered if that was it. He had a history of scratching. He'd been so young the last time though. Could someone really have noticed and told the counselor about it? He'd been so careful to hide it.

Or at least careful-ish. The kind of careful you were when your brain was in a constant state of panic.

Phineas didn't get more time to speculate about why he was there before Mrs. Morris spoke on the phone.

"Linda, Phineas is here now. I'm going to go ahead and put you on speaker," she said before putting the phone down on her desk and pressing a button on it.

All of a sudden new panic flooded him. His mom? She was out of state on a trip, and she'd been called? It was worse than he thought.

"Phineas, honey, I'm on my way home. Something happened," his mom spoke.

Guilt and fear overtook him. Someone died- that was his first thought. He'd been worrying about someone discovering his dirty laundry, and someone was probably dead.

"Candace is okay?" Phineas quickly interjected because if she wasn't— Fuck, if she wasn't—

"Candace is fine, honey. She's on her way home. It'll be a few hours though, okay?" Linda said, her tone soft.

"What happened?" His voice was shaking.

"Phineas, your father had a heart attack. He—he didn't make it," Linda said, her voice wobbling.

Phineas sat in stunned silence. Of all of the things he'd imagined, his father had never crossed his mind.

"Phineas, are you okay?" Linda asked in response to his silence.

"He's dead?" It was the only question Phineas could think of.

"Yes, I'm so sorry, honey," she said, all soft voice and caring like she thought Phineas needed the comfort.

But Phineas didn't know what he needed. He suddenly didn't feel like a person at all.

"Is Candace okay?" Phineas asked. He felt like a broken record, but this time he was asking about her emotional state.

"She's okay. Jeremy is with her. She said they'll be heading home as soon as they can. And I'm at the parking lot of the airport now. I already booked a flight. I'll be back in a few hours," Linda explained, and Phineas could hear the sound of a car door opening. "What do you want to do, Phineas?"

Phineas had no idea what she as asking him. What could he do? His dad was dead, and there wasn't anything he could do about that.

His mom clarified. "No one will be home for a few hours, but Mrs. Morris says I can sign you out over the phone. Or I can call Vivian to come get you and Isabella."

Phineas slowly shook his head. "Can I just… stay here?"

"…Phineas, you don't have to stay at school," his mom said softly.

"I know. Just… I don't really want to go home." He didn't really want to exist. He knew that eventually his brain was going to think about the information he'd been given, but at the moment it seemed to be putting it off. If he could just keep things normal, maybe his brain would keep doing that for him.

Mrs. Morris suddenly spoke up, "It's normal to feel that way. Sometimes we need a distraction or somewhere where things feel normal, or just to be around people." Her tone then shifted, and it became clear that she was talking to Linda rather than Phineas. "If Phineas wants to stay at school, that's fine. If at any point he changes his mind or wants someone to talk to, I'll be here. We can keep you updated with whatever he decides and run everything by your daughter if we can't reach you."

Phineas listened as his mom and Mrs. Morris talked, but it was like he was listening to the conversation through a thin wall. At the end of it, his mom agreed to let him stay. Mrs. Morris asked if he needed anything, but he said no.

So he went back to class, where Mr. Ray seemed shocked to see him. To his credit though, he didn't say anything to Phineas about it, and shut down other students before they could ask him what had happened.

However, Isabella was close enough to simply ask him what happened.

Phineas answered, "My dad died." It was clear enough for several students to hear, although he hadn't been trying to be loud.

Then the bell rang, and he got up to go to his next class like nothing happened.

For the first time in weeks, Ferb didn't bolt out before him. Instead, he stayed back while Phineas walked out with Isabella worrying at his side. He probably wanted to avoid getting mixed up in Phineas' affairs.

Phineas didn't blame him.

As he sat down in English, only a seat away from Phineas, Ferb tried not to think about him or what he'd said.

He was done with Phineas. He'd finally found a way to show him that they shouldn't be in each other's lives that had worked. Things were going back to normal, and it was a relief.

Except when it wasn't.

He'd been thinking about Vanessa more recently and in more detail than he had for a long while. He specifically kept thinking back to their breakup- a thing Vanessa had claimed she'd been doing for him and not for herself. A night where Vanessa had apologized, not for breaking up, but for dating him in the first place.

It still hurt. He wasn't sure how she could claim it'd been for him, when it'd so obviously been for her. She'd wanted to be with Monty. She'd wanted to leave town. She'd wanted to be someone else.

She'd decided that Ferb wasn't a thing she wanted. So, forgive Ferb for being hurt by it. For feeling like he'd given her his all and it wasn't enough. He'd met Vanessa and fallen in love with her, and as she'd slowly revealed the chaos of her mind to him, he'd loved her still.

But then she'd left when he couldn't fix it.

That was something that Ferb was coming to grasps with.

He'd always felt like Vanessa had left because he wasn't enough once she'd gotten to know him. Like once she'd pulled back the layers, he hadn't been what she wanted, so she'd had to make up excuses.

But he was starting to think that maybe it wasn't that. Vanessa had seemed put together to Ferb in so many ways, even though she didn't seem to feel that way. To Ferb, her insecurities had been silly things. Vanessa couldn't have been more perfect.

More and more he saw similarities between Vanessa and Phineas.

The difference was that Vanessa had run when it got to be too much. Phineas wasn't going to run. He was going to implode.

Ferb couldn't fix that.

He could fix a broken machine but not a broken person. He'd never tried to fix Vanessa; he didn't see the cracks that she did.

With Phineas he could see everything.

Even now, he could see the numbness in Phineas, like he'd disassociated from himself. Ferb knew that would be temporary. Eventually, the numbness would go away. One more crack for Phineas. One more thing to push him over the edge.

But Ferb didn't want him to fall.

He knew he couldn't fix Phineas; he didn't want to. He didn't want that pressure. He didn't want to feel used. But, fuck, it'd be nice if Phineas would fix himself.

But Phineas didn't know how, and Phineas was too stubborn to ask for help.

Ferb couldn't fix him. He couldn't.

But when he thought about his own mother, he wondered if there was something he could do, just in this instance. He wondered if maybe he could once again give Phineas a tiny shove back from the ledge.

It'd be a stupid thing to do. It wasn't his business.

It wasn't.

He kept telling himself that, hoping that if he thought it enough, he'd believe it.

"Man, Buford can't believe you're still here," he said as he sat down across from Phineas.

Phineas didn't acknowledge his words. Instead, he dragged his fork through the macaroni and cheese on his tray. He was tired of this conversation.

By third period everyone had known what had happened. Phineas hadn't thought to keep it a secret- his mind had been too numb. Plus, everyone would have found out eventually. Still, everyone knowing had put his friends in a loop. All they could do was keep telling Phineas to go home.

Home was the last place he wanted to be.

"Buford is right. You should go home, Phineas," Baljeet said from his spot beside Buford.

Phineas continued to stare at his food. He didn't know what to say to his friends that he hadn't already said. He'd told them he didn't want to leave. It was like it was the only thing they knew how to suggest.

"Phineas," Isabella grabbed his wrist, stopping his fork. "We're just worried about you. You're obviously upset, and that's okay. You don't have to stay here to prove you're okay."

Phineas wanted to ask if that's what he was doing. He wanted to ask her if he was upset because the truth was that he didn't know if he felt anything.

He felt his grip on his fork tighten. Why did he never feel how he was supposed to?

"I can…"

Isabella was cut off by Ferb's presence at their table.

It was like just seeing him was enough to make her words run dry. Buford was looking up at him angrily while Baljeet looked at him wearily. Phineas could only look at him blankly. If Ferb was going to gut him again, this was probably the best time for it anyway.

But Ferb didn't gut him.

"Let's go," he said simply, his eyes only looking at Phineas.

Buford scoffed. "Excuse you? The fuck gives you the right to waltz right over and make orders?"

Ferb ignored him. His eyes were focused only on Phineas. His mouth was shut, but his eyes spoke all the same. It wasn't an order, but it was an offer.

Phineas sighed before dropping his fork and standing up.

From beside him, Isabella looked shocked. Later, Phineas thought he'd probably torture himself with this memory, but right now it didn't matter because nothing really did.

"Phineas—" she started only to get interrupted by Ferb's voice this time.

"He'll be alright. I've got him," he said to her in a steady voice as Phineas moved to stand beside him.

Buford was muttering angrily under his breath, while Baljeet clutched his shoulder.

Isabella looked conflicted, like she wanted to stop this from happening, but when she looked over at Phineas her shoulders dropped. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No. No, I'll be okay," he said, trying to sound like his usual self.

He knew by Isabella's face that he'd failed. Still, she stood up and hugged him. "Text me later, okay? If you need anything, I'll come running. I love you."

Phineas hugged her back lightly. He had no doubt that she would come running if he asked, but he wondered what she'd say once telling him to go home was off the table. "Okay… Love you, too."

He only spared a weak wave before he was walking out of the cafeteria with Ferb.

Once the boys had signed out of school, they started the walk toward their houses.

Phineas didn't say anything and Ferb let the silence drag on. A part of him knew that he shouldn't be doing this, but another part of him knew that he couldn't not.

This would be a stupid thing to be Phineas' last straw.

"What's the plan?" Phineas finally asked him as they got closer to their houses. He didn't sound as withdrawn as he had earlier.

"Figured we could work on the car for a bit." Ferb figured that was as good as anything.

Phineas was quiet for a while before he finally spoke, "Yeah. Okay."

Once they got to Ferb's, they fell into the old routine: throwing their things to the side, getting out tools, and assessing what needed done.

It wasn't until they'd started working, that Phineas finally spoke again. "Why did you have me come over?"

Ferb shrugged. "Is there somewhere else you want to go?"

"Everyone else kept telling me to just go home," Phineas told him, his eyes only partially looking at what he was doing. He was on autopilot. Luckily, Ferb trusted his hands not to make a mistake. Well, at least not on his car.

"They don't know what else to say," Ferb said as he sat down his tools. He looked at Phineas from across the car. "Someone dies, people assume you're hurt. And people don't like looking at hurt people. People want to fix what's wrong, but when they don't know how… Sometimes they just try to remove you. If they can't see you, they can assume you're doing better. Problem solved."

"Sounds callus," Phineas commented, his eyes flicking between what he was doing and Ferb's eyes.

"'S not. They mean well. Probably don't even realize it's what they're doing," Ferb explained.

Phineas sighed and sat down his tools, finally returning Ferb's eye contact. "How do you know not to do that?"

Ferb debated for a second how detailed he wanted to get, but finally sighed. He shut the hood of the car and sat on top of it. Phineas moved to sit next to him. "Told you once about my mother."

Phineas nodded before recalling, "Nothing happened to her, but you wouldn't talk to her with a gun to your head."

"They got divorced when I was 12. Dad saw her hit me. Wasn't the first time and wasn't the worst thing she ever did," Ferb began, looking straight ahead.

"I'm sorry," Phineas said, but Ferb didn't meet his eyes.

He shook his head to let Phineas know that he hadn't gotten to his point yet. "She was vile, but I'd always kept my trap shut. Reasons why are hard to explain with hindsight. But after they divorced, I still kept quiet for my dad's sake. He didn't ask me to; he didn't know what happened while he was gone- still doesn't. But I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want anyone else to judge him for not knowing."

"You love your dad," Phineas said, maybe just to say something.

Still, Ferb nodded. "People didn't know details about the divorce. So, they made up their own. They decided I was a hurt kid who needed to be comforted, told it wasn't my fault, and assured my 'mum' still loved me. Was all bullshit, of course. But you can't solve a problem you don't understand. And when they couldn't, they didn't know what to say to me."

"So, they tried to get rid of you," Phineas finished.

Ferb shrugged before pulling out a cigarette to light. "Makes it sound dramatic. Wasn't really. School decided the divorce must have been causing my problems. When I didn't respond to the intervention, they recommended therapy. Wasn't a bad suggestion- they just weren't recommending it for the right reasons. My grandparents didn't know what to say. Stopped spending as much time there. They said they knew I needed time, but I didn't ask for it. And my dad… he let me do anything I wanted. He figured he'd screwed up bad enough that I was better off wherever I went. They all figured I needed to be with someone else or somewhere else. No one ever just asked how I felt or what I wanted."

"How did you feel?" Phineas asked.

Ferb took a puff of his cigarette before turning to look at Phineas. "'Was happy. I didn't love her, and she was finally gone. My dad chose me no questions asked. There was nothing to be sad about. Shit was going right."

Phineas looked at him for a long moment then, like he was trying to solve something. "What was wrong, then?"

Ferb exhaled a mouth of smoke before shrugging. "Hard to say. Think maybe I just finally felt free enough to act out. Like I didn't have to fly straight to protect their marriage. Or maybe I just realized that it wasn't enough."

"What wasn't enough?" Phineas asked, although Ferb could see in his eyes that he already knew the answer.

"What happened to her," Ferb said quietly. "I don't regret not saying more—wouldn't be fair for my dad. But… I really hate her. And she deserved worse. I wish she were dead."

After that admittance, they sat in silence long enough for Ferb to finish his cigarette and then light another one. He was a few puffs in when Phineas said, "I don't know how I feel."

"No?" Ferb asked.

Phineas had balled his fists up and they were shaking against the hood of the car. "It's like— I thought I had time."

"Time for what?" Ferb asked as he watched Phineas' shaking hands.

"Time to make him love me," Phineas bit out. "Time to prove I was worth something. Time to show I could be what he'd always wanted. Time to—"

Phineas cut himself off when Ferb grabbed hold of his hand. It'd been lifted to go to his shoulder, but Ferb pulled it down gently to the hood of the car before leaving it covered with his own.

Phineas looked down at their hands before his eyes glossed over with tears. "I was never good enough. He left because of me."

"That right? When was that?" Ferb asked, already having a rough idea. Linda didn't seem like someone who was recently divorced.

Phineas looked surprised at the response but didn't hesitate to answer, "I was four when things got finalized."

"Right. So, what did you, a four-year-old, do to make your dad leave?" Ferb asked, his tone making his point clear.

Phineas scowled and his hand flexed and tried to lift, but Ferb's kept it at bay. "It was my fault. I was the one who was difficult. They had to have all these evaluations for me. And—and he loved Candace! He always loved her. It's my fault he wasn't in her life."

Ferb spoke bluntly, the only way he knew how, "So it was a four-year-old's fault that a grown man left his family?"

Phineas' whole body had begun to tremble, and he didn't speak.

So Ferb kept going. "Or was your dad just so reprehensible that he used a four-year-old as an excuse to offload the responsibilities that he didn't want? Which seems more likely to you?"

Finally, the dam within Phineas seemed to break and tears streamed down his face as he began to openly sob. "I just wanted him to love me! Why couldn't he just love me?"

Ferb watched his tears fall and sighed. "Because sometimes people are bad, and sometimes people don't love their kids. But that doesn't make it your fault. You don't have to take the blame so that he doesn't have to. Let the bastard take the blame. He's the one that left them and you, so stop covering for him."

Phineas shook his head. "I don't know how to blame him."

"You could start by not blaming yourself," Ferb said, his grip on Phineas' hand tightening. "Maybe work your way up to hating him instead of yourself too."

"It's always been easier to hate me instead of anyone else," Phineas confessed.

"You don't make it look easier." To Ferb, it was beginning to look like the hardest thing in the world. He was seeing less and less to dislike about Phineas, and more and more that was worth preserving.

"Every time I try to do the things I want to do, I just feel like I make things worse," Phineas confessed. His hand was shaking, and finally he just turned it around and laced his fingers with Ferb's. "Like with you. I tried to fix things, and I just made them worse. If I'd just done what everyone else wanted me to do—"

"You didn't want to sleep with me," Ferb finally cut him off. Phineas looked surprised and like he would keep going, but for once Ferb knew what he wanted to say, and there were no other thoughts mixed up with it. "At least not last time. You just—You just came over and lied to me."

The shock of his statement, or maybe how much feeling he'd accidentally expressed in his tone, was enough to make Phineas pause. He then looked down at the hood of the car. "I thought if I acted casual you wouldn't stop talking to me again… I knew you were uncomfortable after the barbecue, but I didn't know how to fix it. I just… I wanted to fix it."

"Manipulation only works when the other person doesn't catch on, and I… I can read you at least as well as you read me." It felt vulnerable to admit even though Ferb was sure they both were at least mostly aware of it. They could communicate without speaking, like they'd known each other their whole lives.

"I wasn't trying to manipulate you," Phineas said quietly. His hand was still shaking.

"What do you call it when you lie to someone to try to get your way?" Ferb asked, unable and unwilling to phrase it any other way.

Phineas didn't answer at first, but Ferb could tell he was digesting it.

But this wasn't supposed to be about him. Ferb hadn't brought Phineas to his house to hash out his feelings or anger. It was about Phineas. One last time, it was for Phineas. To hold him together just a little longer.

It wasn't to get wrapped up again.

So Ferb kept going, "You can't live your life trying to be someone else, whether or it's for things you're supposed to want or things you actually want. You'll just keep being miserable."

Silence hung between them after that. Ferb had said what he needed to. He'd brought it back to Phineas. Maybe he'd planted a seed in Phineas that he needed to start being honest to be happy. Maybe that would help, maybe it wouldn't, but at least he'd tried—

"I'm sorry."

Ferb looked over, one eyebrow raising in question.

"I shouldn't have lied to you. I… I didn't even consider it like that." Phineas let out a bitter laugh. "How fucked up is that?"

Ferb blinked. He hadn't really expected the reaction. He figured Phineas would focus on his own issues because he had.

"What do you want?" Phineas asked, looking up at him, his eyelashes still wet. "Honestly?"

"What?" Ferb asked. The conversation was twisting, and he wasn't sure what to do with it.

"You asked me once why I wanted you around. Then I said that I felt calmer around you. Like you wouldn't judge me. That's still true, but… it's different too. I like being with you and talking to you. I don't want to stop talking to you," Phineas had started smiling, but it was sad, like he was putting on a brave face before something bad happened. "But I guess I never really thought about what you wanted. Not really, anyway. I did, but… Not in a way that's fair. Not in a way where it was going to affect what I did. And that's pretty shitty when… when you still came when I needed you."

"This isn't about me." Ferb badly wanted the conversation to change. It was too much. He didn't want to talk about it. "I came to help because I could relate. It's about that."

"Yeah, well, I figure my dad will still be dead tomorrow," Phineas said, almost seeming to shock himself. Still, he carried on, "I just… what do you want, Ferb?"

Ferb couldn't answer. He wanted to not talk about it. He wanted to say that. But his mouth wouldn't move.

"I've picked up on some of it, ya know?" Phineas said, his voice shaking as his thumb rubbed against Ferb's hand. Ferb wanted to drop it. He didn't. "I get there was someone else. Someone you cared about who really hurt you. And I get that you have trust issues. I mean, obviously, right? So maybe you don't really want to be close to anyone. That's rational."

Suddenly it was Ferb who was squeezing Phineas' hand. He'd known that Phineas knew all of that, but to hear it said was different. It was like he was a fish that Phineas had gutted, and he was casually describing his innards.

"But the thing is, people like you here, Ferb. And I think you like them. And maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think you at least kind of like me. So maybe that's enough to stop isolating yourself. And… and I know I can't keep trying to sell you on it, but I want you to want me around. But I know I can't make you feel that way. So, I'm just asking, what do you want?" Phineas asked again.

The thoughts were whirling in Ferb's head too fast to catch, too many of them to think through. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't articulate it all.

Phineas seemed to sense it. He offered a simpler question. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

There were a million answers to that question, some of them better than others. Some of them were mean, some logical, some planned out in Ferb's head.

But only one answer was true.

Only one answer found its way to his mouth.

"No."

Phineas smiled, then. It was small, and he looked terrible. His eyes and cheeks were red from crying and there were tear tracks going down his face. He had no right to have the hold he did on Ferb, in that moment. But Ferb knew he'd follow his lead, just the same.

"Then let's work from there."