Natsuki's POV:
I am drinking my 4th can of beer. Hmm, this beer's is very strong, I already feel dizzy… Wait, the hell, what am I doing? My consciousness decides to kick in at this very moment and I hear an answer in a form of scream in my head "Idiot, you're drinking because you really like her. And you have no idea what to do. And you're wasted. You're so scared, that you started ignoring her. You suck, you little rabbit hearted girl. Meh, shut the fuck up. No, you shut the fuck up". Why am I arguing with myself? And now, even aloud.
I feel so sad. It's like after all that has happened to us we just fell into this suicide, depression, alcohol and drug pit and we can't seem to get out. I've died so many times that I don't even remember the number. And you… you're dying every day. I can see it just by merely observing your beautiful face. The fire in your eyes is slowly fading away day by day. Why did this happen to us? Why did we become the masters of disasters? Like the rest wouldn't be enough. Your composure was already cracked by the beginning of the Carnival, by the end of if you have broken completely, shattered. "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" – that's what you've always kept saying when I tried to soothe and comfort you. I always hugged you but you never let me to just hold you. You never ever wanted to be weak in front of me, with little energy you still pretended to be alright. Later I just watched as you picked up the shards of yourself and tried to put them back together. I just stood there. And did nothing. Damn it, why was I like that? So angry and insecure, still not letting you in, but by doing that I shut you off completely back then. You must have been so hurt. I hurt you so much. But I'm doing the same thing right now, exactly the same thing. Though the circumstances are different now, we are different now. Yet now... this is…an illusion of progress that we have made. Our little world of lies. Lies lies lies, we can tell that they're lies.
I need some space so that I can think about. I need space somewhere, though I am alone in my apartment, sitting on the couch in the living room. The balcony, this is the place. I go there and grab my last cigarette. As my lighter's fire touches the cigarette, a feeling like a bolt of electricity runs down my body and leaves me breathless. Yes, I remember these... They are the reminder of the bond that we share together. I don't know what you're doing but I can feel whatever you're feeling. And for now, the only thing that I know is that I feel sad. Sad, because I'm the one who's at fault. Damn, why am I such a terrible person, such a terrible friend?
I finish my cigarette and stand for a while with the remains of it, feeling hypnotized. Everything feels as if I'm a circus. So fake, creepy and weird. I shouldn't have bought that beer in the first place. Now I should… yeah, most probably I should do this.
The next moment I sink the burning cigarette into my palm. Yes, the salvation will come any minute. But as I've waited a minute, 5 minutes and 10 minutes, the pain never came.