Sorry guys, I was REALLY busy. Haven't written in a while, so please be kind to me. Hope you like this one
Shizuru's POV:
- Ok, let's do this "Don't ask, don't tell", - I proposed.
- What the fuck? Are you stupid or something? You really think I will agree with you on this one? What are you thinking? – She said and to me. In my quiet hospital room her words sounded as if a lot of gunshots were fired.
Damn, not only she is totally pissed off but it seems like she is on the verge on crying too. What have I done? Why did I say that? I close my eyes and it feels cold inside. I know that if it would be someone else I'd be talking to; closing my eyes would soothe me and I'd feel warm and calm inside. But it's Natsuki we're talking about and even when I closed my eyes, I felt her cold stare pierce my skin. I shiver. No, it's worse than that, I am shaking uncontrollably and I don't know why. Is it because of her glare? Or is it because I am so weak now at trying to pull off my facade? Now I get it, why she doesn't trust me in certain situations. I wake up already wearing a mask. And it's not ok, just not ok; even I don't know why I pretend all the time. I guess that pretending is the same as if closing my eyes, I feel better then. When I don't pretend, I feel naked and like I have nothing special to show people. Especially Natsuki. I don't know why I'm doing this to her, I just wanted her to be safe. I wanted her not to see the real me because I thought she would be scared and run away. Isn't this the main reason of pretending? Push and pull, I pushed her away and then pulled her closer and closer each time I pushed her away. I always blamed my pushing on her but it was really just me panicking. God, I am so disappointed in myself right now. I really am a bad person, I really am. I can't help myself and smile a bit sadly, feeling bittersweet at the realization.
- Fuck it, Shizuru, don't give me that. I don't need nor do I want to see another one of your facades, - Natsuki said angrily. – I need you to be absolutely honest with me. I need you to tell me how you feel; I need you to tell me how I feel because I am so lost that I don't understand anything anymore…
She just stood there, silently and it looked as if she would burst out crying at any moment. She then stared at the floor, her head down, her hair disheveled and I couldn't see her face anymore. Natsuki's knuckles were as pale as a sheet of paper, I heard her teeth grinding and I couldn't help but keep apologizing in my head. And then it was all over, or should I say, it was beginning. I clearly heard it, clearly, a drop crashing into a tile on the floor. Even though Natsuki was standing a few meters away from my bed, I heard the sound of her teardrop crashing into the tile of the floor like it would have been all over the speakers. This sound filled the whole room. And then, other teardrops followed. It sounded as if a rainstorm just started in my room. She sobbed quietly, you wouldn't even think that she's crying but her shaking shoulders betrayed her. She stood there for about a minute, sobbing and I felt lost, I didn't know what to do.
- Natsuki… Don't, please… Don't cry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry… - My voice was a bit hoarse for not speaking a while. I gulped and continued apologizing. – I'm really sorry… Please, come here…
I reached out my hand to her, I felt like in a moment I will start crying myself, I couldn't take this anymore. But I knew that I had to be strong, only one of us can be weak at a time and I know that it was unbearable for Natsuki, I understood how she felt really well. So many times I felt just like her, like all of my words were hitting a tall wall. She stopped clutching her fists that was a good sign. For a moment she just stood there like that, unsure of what to do and then she finally raised her head. I could still see tears running down her cheeks, crashing into the floor or running down her body. She was so beautiful right now, she's always beautiful but now her beauty is different of what people define "beautiful". Her face was slightly flushed from the crying, her hands pale, her shoulders shaking, her disheveled hair stuck to her forehead. Without a word she took a few steps forward and it seemed like she was in doubt of what to do next – stand right there or walk towards me. I was sitting in my hospital bed, reaching out for her, feeling cool wind on my back because it was bare. I really hate those weird hospital clothes where your back is left bare from your neck to your waste. I just never understood the purpose of this pajama. I noticed that my hand was shaking; moreover, I never stopped shaking from the start of my conversation with her, I guess I just haven't noticed. My train of thoughts was interrupted by footsteps getting louder and louder and as I looked up, I saw pain in Natsukis eyes though it quickly changed into something else entirely and I couldn't understand what she was feeling now. She slowly took my hand into hers and sat down on my bed. I instinctively wrapped my hands around her neck as I embraced her, she was still shaking badly. For a moment we sat like that, her hands clutching my sheets and my arms around her neck. Then I felt a sudden change of pressure in the room and warmth on my back as she wrapped her arms around my waist. I felt goose bumps when her warm hands touched my cool back and she put her head on my shoulder, facing my neck. My shoulder was instantly wet because of her tears and my neck was pierced by her breathing. We sat like this for about 10 minutes I guess, I don't really know, I don't feel time at all sometimes. She shifted in my arms and I straightened my face to look at her soft but puffy eyes. There were still tears welling in the corners of her eyes and as they dropped, I picked up my hand and cleared her tears off of her face with my thumb. It felt so natural, as if I've been doing this all of my life.
- Natsuki, I'm… I'm really sorry… I… Never wanted to hurt you, I swear, - I sad looking straight her in the eyes, trying to put everything I feel in my eyes so she would get the message. I even caressed her cheek. As I did that, I saw something in her eyes. But I couldn't figure out what it was, so once again I have closed my eyes. As I did, I felt strong arms embracing me tightly. I felt a pair of soft lips brushing against mine…