Sorry for not updating in a while. I hope you like this. Thank you for reading my story :)
Shizuru's POV:
I don't understand anything that is going on now. Especially you. Natsuki, I honestly can't understand you – one moment you're pissed off and it looks like you want to beat the crap out of me and the other you're kissing me like your life depends on it. I know that it's my fault really, I drove you over the edge and I'm sorry. Wait, what, the hell, hold on, we're kissing? We are kissing? You and me? While my poor brain tries to sort out the information it was given, I start to acknowledge the pressure and softness of something on my lips. A kiss, your soft lips on mine. This was all I ever wanted, this was all I ever dreamed of but why do I feel so bad at this very moment? A wave of guilt washes over me and I close my eyes once again to run away from it. At this moment, right now, I guess we both broke. I felt something in Natsuki and she felt something in me, something that was bringing uncertainty in both of us, something that was causing this uneasiness in me and her. Natsuki broke our kiss and it felt so sudden, not feeling her soft lips against mine that my eyes flew wide open. She searched my eyes for answers, questioning me, begging me, torturing me. One word escaped my mouth and it was "sorry". A plain old "sorry". She stood up, her lips curved into a sad smiled and she just walked away through my hospital room's door. Just like that, with no word whatsoever, not even looking back. I just turned my head and I stared into a thing that could have taken my love away from me – the window. I feel so melancholic right now, I remember staring through the window, always trying to imagine where my Natsuki was and what she was doing and now, the main thing of my fantasies has nearly taken her away from me. Karma is such a bitch. And why this? Did she think she would get closer to my soul if she jumped, just like me a while ago?
Natsuki's sad smile reminded me of a thing that I was looking forward to – keeping my promise because "sorry", it wasn't something I just said, it was a promise, I promised Natsuki to explain everything. It was a promise to be honest and true to myself and her. I owe her at least this, this one time I have to just be me. I'm not ready for this, she's not ready for this, I feel it with my heart. But maybe we'll never be, maybe we will never be ready to love. Love comes in just like that and you never know when. Now I just feel sad. Realization of my actions just struck me. I have Natsuki and I live for her, why did I want to throw all of it away? I never took the time to notice how my wish of not feeling pain has turned into a suicidal thing. Maybe I just wanted something of my own? Maybe I just wanted a solid reason to stay – someone to scream "stop" or "I need you". Well, not someone, only her. I am so selfish, I'm pinning all of this weight and my life on her and she doesn't even know it, she's guilty with whatever happens to me because I make her guilty from the start. How could I do this to her? I love her. I guess this is the reason, I love her too much to care about anything else.
I take a deep breath and stand up. I go to the bathroom that is connected to my room, I wash my face with cold water and I stare at the mirror self. You look terrible they say. No, please, not again. You're in a hospital, you hate hospitals. Do you remember why you're here? And I just thought that I got better. You could have lost her. Shut up, she was never mine from the start. You have no feelings… I know what they are trying to do, the voices in my head. Remember Shizuru, never trust in your own thoughts and these voices. Rebel because this is the only way. And I do. I start crying, not just crying, I'm pouring out all of these negative emotions of mine, I'm cleansing myself.
"Is this me feeling enough for you?" I say angrily and look at my reflection in the dirty mirror.
And instantly, they shut up. And go away for a while.