I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while but I had a lot of stuff going on. Now I'm back :)
This story is almost finished, there will only be a few more chapters, I guess there will be two or three more chapters. Thank you for your patience.
Natsuki's POV:
I have no idea what I'm doing but oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, she promised to explain all of this to me. Will she explain it? Will everything become clearer then? I want to hear Shizuru's version of our story, I can't always be so narrow-minded and one-sided, I need her explanation, no excuses, I need to listen, I need to learn just how to listen. I need to be patient; it was a long and a difficult road for the both of us. We need to get through just a little more. Tolerance, Natsuki, tolerance. The main question – what is happening between the two of us? Alright, honestly, that's not the main question. The thing is, I already know the answer; I just don't know the outcome and this scares the hell out of me. I should be scared, right? Isn't this the thing that everyone's really afraid of? Not knowing? We have to stop falling apart or else this won't ever end, there will only be more and more complications surrounding our story and we will never find an end to it, there will never be an ending.
I think that Shizuru knows the answer to what is happening between the two of us too, I know that she knows, today I finally understood that she knew it even before our suicidal tendencies got the best of us; maybe she even knows the outcome of this story. I hope that she does know. That's why I need her, I need her to tell me that everything will be ok and we will get through this. Maybe we already did… As I slowly and lethargically walk out of the hospital, it starts raining. God, it's raining again. I guess the weather likes reminding me how much I hate the rain. A few drops land on my lips and I close my eyes painfully, I smell the rain in the air, the wind kisses my hair lightly. Wait, the kiss. I almost forgot it, how strange - I really kissed her, haven't I? I touch my lips with trembling and wet fingers, I try to remember the sensation, the feeling I got when this has happened. Did it really happen or was it a dream? As I touch my lips, I begin to smile like an idiot. It was real; it happened in this reality, it happened here, not in another dimension, not in my head. It was real and it was absolutely fantastic. Some people say that you see fireworks in your head; some say that you feel butterflies in your stomach. It wasn't like that, it was so much more, it was so much more powerful. The kiss was as if a lightning struck me and I felt electricity run down my body on repeat, fireworks all around me and I felt lost in all the pretty colors, shapes and sizes, butterflies dancing around and I felt so light-weighted and graceful, a strong earthquake and I felt shaken from the tips of my toes to my eyelashes, falling stars in the sky and I felt as if it was the end of the world and I didn't want anything or anyone, just her because it was so breathtakingly beautiful, she was breathtakingly beautiful. I honestly can't describe it properly; I'm still in shock that I kissed her but well, it seemed like the most natural thing to do at that moment. But you know, I feel terrified, really scared because now I want to kiss her every day for the rest of my life. I am now addicted to Shizuru's kisses. I want to kiss her like there's no tomorrow and nothing else matters. And I'm right, none of it matters, just the two of us. Why haven't I thought about it earlier? Shizuru, you knew this simple truth yet I always denied it and grabbed onto other things as if they mattered more. I shattered your belief in this truth and you started thinking that maybe you are wrong and I am right. I broke you and I am sorry. I'm stupid, I really am. You always were so much smarter than me, always understanding things and feelings so fast I couldn't keep up with you. My stupidity was the reason we fell, or at least it was one of the reasons. Why did I …ah, my head hurts, I am overthinking again but at least this time it is useful, I finally understand some very important things. I only can't believe how long it took me to understand all of this.
Oh boy, I need a cigarette. I slap my pockets and smile when I find a crushed pack of cigarettes in my jacket's pocket. Awesome, one cigarette left, I guess I really need to quit smoking. But not now, maybe when all of this will be over. Because this is how I cope, I try my best to cope with everything I've got but I just can't. I am so weak, it hurts sometimes. I carefully take out the cigarette and try to light it with my still trembling and shaking hands. As smoke fills my lungs I start thinking about my motorcycle and where did I park it. I walk around the parking lot slowly, trying to concentrate on the cigarette and smoking. Finally, I found it. I throw the remains of my cigarette into a trash bin and get on the motorcycle; I put on the helmet. Shizuru, I know what I need to say and do and I hope that we can sort things out. I hope that we know what we're doing.
Tomorrow is a different day.