Beyond Recall
A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews once again. They're always really encouraging. I still have no idea how many chapters are left. I'm writing 27 at the moment and it's not the last, so I'll let you know when I have a clearer idea.
I'm posting a little bit earlier this week as an early birthday present (or an on time birthday present depending on when the chapter gets read) for MusicChannySkyscraper as she asked so nicely! Happy birthday!
Please let me know what you think!
Chapter 24
Merlin's mind raced as he and Arthur crept through the corridors of Camelot in the darkness of the night. He tried, mostly in vain, to ignore the deep sadness in him, the ache of regret and guilt that was growing more and more with every memory that returned – and there were many of them now.
He could remember Gaius. For so long he had heard about this man who was his friend and mentor and hadn't really been able to picture the sort of person he was, but now he could see him. He could remember the sound of the man's voice and the way he would reprimand Merlin for the many escapades he now remembered he had been through. And though the memories were far from complete, there was enough of a picture that Merlin longed for the man's wisdom now. If Gaius had been around, Merlin knew that things would not have gotten to this. His mentor would have been able to tell him who he was and what he was supposed to be doing and how he was supposed to be acting. He knew about the magic, he knew about everything. Tiden had done much more than he realised in keeping the old physician away from Camelot for so long.
Merlin glanced up and saw Arthur carefully picking his way through the corridors. Only minutes after they left the room, the King had announced that instead of going to the siege tunnels he was going to find Tiden. He was less then happy when Merlin had said that their only choice was to get to the siege tunnels to await the rest of the monarchs. He had argued with Merlin –throwing in as many cutting remarks as he could- that his job was not to hide in the shadows, but to fight for his kingdom.
'And how will you fight?' Merlin had asked, his own frustrations at Arthur's view of him seeping into his words. 'They're sorcerers. They'll disarm and kill you with magic. You have no defence against that.'
'Then what is the point?' Arthur had argued back, far too loudly in the quiet corridors. Merlin hadn't risked telling him to keep his voice down, but the King realised and did so of his own accord. 'If we have no means of fighting Tiden and he has control of the soldiers then he will hunt us all down regardless of whether we can hide in the tunnels or escape through them.'
'We can deal with Tiden later.'
'How? Or is this just a trap that you're leading me into?'
'I am not leading you into a trap. I am trying to save your life,' Merlin had told him vehemently. 'We'll find a way to break the enchantment, but until then your priority is keeping yourself and your guests alive. If they die in Camelot, it will start a war. You know that!'
Arthur had remained quiet after that. As they reached another turn in the corridor, he paused and turned back round. In the past, Merlin remembered him doing this several times in various situations, but always before it had been to check that Merlin was safe; now the action showed nothing but suspicion. Arthur was still expecting Merlin to turn on him at any second.
Merlin swallowed down the grief that rose in him in at the thought. What he had said to Arthur before had been true: with every returning memory, he felt the guilt and shame of what he had done more and more. With every second that passed, he found himself wishing to go back and change it all; it was beginning to gnaw away at him; eroding away all else. And try as he might, he could not convince his mind to ignore his make believe pasts where he did everything right. It was driving him deeper and deeper into a darkness that he wasn't sure how to get out from and Arthur's evident hatred towards him was only making it even more unbearable. He had ruined everything -he knew that for sure now- and nothing he did here would ever make it better.
And still Arthur didn't know the truth, not all of it, not when it came to Merlin's magic. When he had run through the forest, Merlin had been intending to tell him, had decided that along with everything else it was just be one more thing that Arthur had needed to know. And then his memories had started to return and the thought of revealing his secret after so long began to shrink in his mind. He remembered well enough his reasons for keeping Arthur in the dark and they still stood. A part of him, however, had still retained that determination to finally be rid of the secret that had shaped his relationship with the King from the moment they met. But then Merlin had seen Arthur's face when he found out about Cyathia's magic and about the betrayal that he had unwittingly been subjected to.
If that was the depth of emotion that Arthur felt when he was betrayed by a Merlin who, at least at the start, hadn't known any better, then what reaction would the King have had to the revelation that the Merlin he really thought he had known had also been lying to him? Merlin hadn't wanted him to find out. Not now, not when he needed Arthur to listen to him, or at least be willing to accept that what he was saying about the situation was true.
No, that truth was one that was so deeply engrained in him to keep hidden and one that could be so detrimental to everything that was happening now, that Merlin had once again kept it safely locked away.
Up ahead, Arthur suddenly stood up straighter. Merlin heard footsteps round the corridor that Arthur was looking down, and saw the King's face snap into a sharper focus as he prepared to greet whoever it was that was coming round the corner. Merlin's eyes went wide and he felt his heart pound. Without thinking, he made a grab for Arthur, pulling him back down the corridor, one hand over his mouth, as quietly as he could manage and hauling him into a room that they had just walked past.
It seemed that Arthur's shock at the move had made him far more easy to manhandle than Merlin had expected, but as soon as Merlin closed the door quietly behind them, Arthur snapped his arm out of Merlin's reach and backed up, glaring at him.
'How dare you!' he whispered fiercely.
'You can't let anyone know where you are.'
'That was Elyan. We could have used his help.'
'How many times do I have to tell you?' Merlin told him. 'The knights are enchanted. They could turn on you at any second.'
'So you keep saying and yet there's no fighting, no-one is even awake in the castle. Your story is beginning to look like just another lie.'
Merlin clenched his fists together and bit back his irritation, but he could not stop himself from speaking.
'I know that I've hurt you and that you have no reason to trust me. But you need to stop thinking with your heart and start acting like the King you are. You can not let anyone see you.'
With that Merlin turned towards the door and opened it, not giving Arthur a chance to reply. The sooner they got to the tunnels, the better. Once Arthur was safe, Merlin could work out exactly what to do.
No ideas were forthcoming, however, as they crept on. In order to break the enchantment, Merlin would have to find some sort of counter spell, either for the controlling magic that Tiden would soon be using on the soldiers or for the loyalty oaths. The thought sent a shudder through Merlin and he refused to think about it. He only hoped that he could resist the magical control that had been put on him, or at least still use his magic while Tiden was taking it. But either way, finding a spell meant getting to the magic book that Merlin now remembered was hidden in the floor of his bedroom. And that meant getting away from Arthur.
They soon reached the dungeons and made their way silently to the hidden doorways that led into the catacombs, using one of the many torches in the dungeons as a light source. As far as Merlin remembered, he had never been down here, but the ease with which he seemed to find his way suggested that he had. Eventually, they reached the entrance to the main siege tunnel, hidden behind one of the tombs of the old kings. Between the two of them, they managed to push the tomb aside to reveal the sturdy oak door that marked the entrance.
Merlin watched as Arthur selected the right key from his belt, making a clear effort to shield the key from Merlin's sight. Not that it made any difference, though Arthur didn't know that; Merlin remembered which key it was anyway. He pushed the door in to reveal a tunnel -wide enough for a line of three people and tall enough so that Merlin and Arthur could stand comfortably- hewn into the rock. By the light of torch, Merlin could see the walls flickering off into the distance before they melted effortlessly into darkness.
They stood silently for several minutes, Arthur pacing back and forth in the catacombs, frequently checking the tunnel from the dungeons to see if the monarchs were arriving. Merlin guessed that it wouldn't be long and he could do with being gone before then. He didn't know why Tiden hadn't started the attack yet, unless of course he still didn't know that James had passed the information onto Merlin, but then Steven had seen his tracks. He knew that someone had been with James and surely he would have assumed it was Merlin.
But then, why was nothing happening? It was beginning to make him feel restless. But maybe that was their plan, to make him feel nervous, to make him act rashly. Or maybe they were punishing Peter for Merlin's actions. The thought made Merlin feel sick. He had tried not to think about Peter, had tried to block out the knowledge that he was still being held by Tiden and Steven. In telling Arthur Cyathia's plans, Merlin had all but sealed the boy's fate, but no matter how much he cared about Peter, he could not risk a war across the land, not now that he knew those were the stakes. He only hoped that he could still find a way of rescuing the boy. But before that, he had to stop Tiden no matter what the cost. And he couldn't do that sitting here.
'I'm going to go and see if they're coming,' he said quietly, moving past Arthur towards the entrance of the tunnel. He felt a hand grab his arm however and was met by Arthur's stern face.
'You're not going anywhere.'
'It's just to-'
'No.' The word was quiet, blunt and firm. 'You are staying here where I can see you.'
'I'm not against you,' Merlin tried, but Arthur had already pushed him back towards the siege tunnel, before sitting himself down against the wall of the tomb, his eyes to the ground. Merlin considered making a run for it, but Arthur would catch up with him and he couldn't risk Arthur roaming the castle unprotected. But then what could he do? Somehow he had to find away of stopping Arthur from leaving. He scanned the room, and a plan began forming in his mind, but before he could finish the thought, Arthur spoke. His voice was softer. There was still anger behind it, but it seemed to have been pushed aside, at least for the time being.
'You said that if you'd remembered anything at the start you wouldn't have done this…' he murmured. Merlin frowned, not understanding the statement. It seemed unfinished somehow, but as Arthur glanced up at him, he recalled their exchange in Arthur's chambers.
'I wouldn't have,' Merlin agreed.
'Then why, when your memories started returning, did you carry on?' He didn't look at Merlin, but it was obvious that he was aware of exactly where Merlin was and exactly what he was doing. Merlin considered the question, knowing that he shouldn't waste time, but being unable to turn away from this tiny slither of hope that Arthur might just be trying to understand.
'Because I didn't realise what Tiden was doing.'
'You knew he was sabotaging the talks,' Arthur retorted, anger slicing back into his voice, though nowhere near as much as before. Merlin stopped again, thinking through the best way to explain.
'When I was in Cyathia, I saw a place where magic was used for good.' A sound of scoffing from Arthur could be heard, but he made no comment. 'It was. It is. The people there use their abilities to stop disease, to grow good crops, to create architecture and machinery. They are a peaceful people and if they could see what Tiden is doing they would remove him from the throne.'
'Magic is evil,' Arthur said simply.
'No,' Merlin told him. 'As I said before: people are evil and the things they do are evil. Evil people use magic for evil – like Tiden. Good people use magic for good.'
'Like who?' Arthur asked him with an incredulous shake of his head. 'You must remember some of the attacks that Camelot has endured from sorcerers.'
'I do, but those were evil people. The Cyathians are good. The man who died to get us this information was good, and his magic was good. I saw it myself.' Arthur just shook his head and Merlin could see that his words were only convincing the King that he really couldn't be trusted, but Merlin persisted anyway. Even if Arthur didn't believe him, he had to at least try to make the King understand. 'I helped Tiden at first because I thought he was protecting Cyathia and I didn't want that Kingdom to be attacked because of their magic when their intentions and actions were good.'
'And what about when you realised that Tiden's intentions were bad?' Arthur asked, louder now. He stood up and faced Merlin. 'You heard him in those talks, how he rallied everyone against Camelot, and yet you said nothing to me of his kingdom or his intentions.'
'I didn't know what he was planning.'
'But you disapproved,' Arthur said, 'I know you did. And when you don't approve of something, Merlin, you fight against it. But you told me nothing.'
'After those talks, I told them that I wasn't doing it anymore. I wasn't going to help him.'
'By keeping quiet you did just that,' Arthur retorted, shaking his head in disappointment, which Merlin couldn't bear to see.
'I couldn't tell you.'
'Why not?' he asked, turning to Merlin and holding out his hands in confusion. Merlin took a deep breath. He didn't want to implicate Gwaine in this scheme, but he saw no other way of convincing Arthur.
'Because he had my mother and Gaius as hostages.'
'What?'
'Steven, Tiden's supporter, came and saw me. I said I wasn't going to help them. He told me that if I didn't then she would die and Gaius too. There was never any illness in Ealdor; they made it up. A ruse so that we wouldn't go searching for either of them when they didn't return to Camelot after hearing I was alive.'
'He has them now?' Arthur asked in alarm, and for the first time Merlin didn't hear anger in the man's voice.
'No, I think they're alright now. I think they've been rescued.' Merlin saw the relief pass over Arthur's face, but it was quickly replaced by suspicion.
'How can you know they're safe? I know you haven't left Camelot.' He said it confidently, but Merlin saw a flicker of doubt pass across the King's face.
'No, I haven't,' he agreed. He took a deep breath. 'Gwaine went to find them. I asked him to.'
'Gwaine knew?' The dead tone in Arthur's voice made Merlin panic. He could almost see the thoughts in Arthur's head: another betrayal.
'No, no,' Merlin replied quickly. 'He only knew that I was being blackmailed, but he didn't know why and I didn't tell him. He didn't know anything about Tiden.'
'Why didn't he tell me what he was doing?' Arthur blustered.
'Because I begged him not to and asked him to trust me,' Merlin admitted quietly. Arthur shook his head, turning away with disgust on his face and Merlin knew that it was directed entirely at him. He saw the momentary truce between them slipping away to be replaced by the same anger that had joined them before. Merlin had no more time for this. He had at least said what he needed to in explaining his actions. Arthur knew the truth, whether he accepted it or not. Taking a deep breath, Merlin put his plan into action.
While Arthur's back was still turned, Merlin muttered a few words and lifted his hands towards the siege tunnel. A second later a rumbling sound echoed back along it.
'What was that?' Merlin asked, forcing concern into his voice.
'It sounded like a cave in.'
Arthur rushed into the tunnel, grabbing the torch as he did. Merlin followed quickly, making sure that he stayed right behind the King. With a few more muttered words, a rush of air swept along the tunnel, causing the torch in Arthur's hand to flicker to the tiniest of flames. The King slowed and Merlin took his chance, ploughing into Arthur at top speed and sending both of them sprawling to the floor. Arthur's curses echoed down the tunnel as he kicked out, rather hard, at Merlin to try and untangle himself, while Merlin muttered half hearted apologies. His focus, however, was on the keys. He knew where they were and he knew which one he wanted. Using his magic, he forced the key chain to come loose, but caught them before they hit the floor.
'How much of an idiot do you have to be?' Arthur shouted at him as he got to his feet and reclaimed the dying torch. The words echoed back until Merlin felt like he was being chastised by a hundred Arthur's; all of them disappointed in him, all of them angry. The King turned and headed deeper into the tunnel.
'Sorry,' he replied, his hands working furiously behind his back to disentangle the key he wanted. As soon as he had it, he placed the remaining keys on the floor, not wanting Arthur to believe he had turned against him and would use the keys to get into the most secure places Camelot. As Arthur moved forward, Merlin backed up until he was right by the entrance to the tunnel. It was at this point that Arthur round.
There was a moment of confusion on the King's face, which Merlin was grateful for; it meant that deep down, and for now at least, Arthur's first reaction to Merlin wasn't suspicion. But that emotion soon took over as Arthur pointed the torch against the tunnel floor and saw the bunch of keys. He looked up at Merlin, his eyes blazing as he caught sight of the key in Merlin's hand.
'Don't you dare,' he growled, beginning to move forward slowly as if Merlin was some wild animal. For a second, Merlin could move. Could he really do this? Could he really betray Arthur's trust again? But then he thought of Tiden and Steven and Peter and the loyalty mark and everything that would crumble if he didn't find a way to stop this plan. In the end, Arthur's hatred was a small, though heartbreaking, price to pay for the future of an entire land.
'I'm sorry,' he whispered, before throwing himself through the door and slamming it shut. The last thing he saw was Arthur's furious face as he began to run towards the door. Merlin's hand shook as he tried to insert the key into the lock. He could hear Arthur's enraged shouts from the other side of the door. He was shouting Merlin's name with more intensity than Merlin could ever remember him using before.
The King's thundering steps were getting closer and still Merlin couldn't get the key to fit in the lock. Desperation filled him, until a sudden clarity shot through his brain. With a whispered word, the lock clicked shut as magic forced its movements, just in time for Merlin to see the whole door shake as Arthur slammed into it. This was followed by a pounding on the wood that made Merlin wince. It sounded like the man was punching the door and still he was shouting Merlin's name in rage. Quietly, trying to ignore the hatred that was being directed at him through the divide, Merlin slotted the key back into the door so that Gwen could open it when she arrived with other monarchs. No doubt Arthur would fill her in on what had happened.
Gently, and as clearly as he could, Merlin directed another apology towards Arthur, though he doubted the man heard it over the din, and then turned to leave the catacombs. He hadn't taken more than ten steps when the warning bells sounded. Merlin felt his heart sink: if Tiden wanted soldiers awake and fighting then that that would be the way to ensure it happened. Time was running short. In a matter of minutes, the whole of the castle would be a battle ground.
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