Thursday, January 8, 2004

And isn't it funny how if one person speaks for real, then the other person can too? We just did that. We just became friends. It's just a matter of finding the right person and crossing that barrier together, almost like you're holding hands, but really you're holding the most tender place inside you. -Laura Pritchett, Sky Bridge

"Edward, I know this is... Difficult... But, honey, don't you want us to be happy?"

I grunted from my seat on the passenger's side. Of course I wanted her to be happy. I'd been hoping and wishing for that ever since we left Chicago. I just never knew what it would take for it to actually happen.

She smiled sadly as she pulled to a stop in front of Emmett's. I reached for the bag at my feet and hugged my pillow tighter to my chest. I leaned over and kissed her cheek, muttering a small 'love you, Mom' before escaping from the car.

Since she and the doctor had an early flight Friday morning, she was dropping me off the night before. I barely had time to step through the doorway before Emmett was dragging me up to his room to play his new Madden game. He'd gotten it and a new XBox for Christmas and I don't think we'd done anything together but game since.

The entire night dragged on, game after game until Charlie made us go to bed. That was how I wound up on the floor ready to smother Emmett with his pillow. The freight train equivalent roar of his snoring was making my already uncomfortable position on his air mattress unbearable. I cursed mom's new boyfriend for coming up with the idea of going all the way to L.A. for her birthday. Vicky was staying at her friend's house and mom asked the Chief to look after me.

Maybe if she knew the reason Emmett and I rearranged the letters on the sign outside the church last summer was because of a story Charlie had shared about his youth, she would have let me stay at the house by myself.

Once midnight rolled around and I still couldn't sleep, I got out from under the covers and headed downstairs. I shuddered at the drastic temperature change in the hallway. The hardwood floor was freezing and, as I rubbed my arms for warmth, I mentally scolded myself for not grabbing my shirt before leaving Emmett's room.

I felt my way through the living room until I'd maneuvered myself around the coffee table and grabbed the remote control. Slowly, I sat down on the sofa and turned on the television.

I almost had a heart attack when ESPN came on full blast and I stood, frantically pressing down on the volume until I could barely make out any sound at all.

My heart was beating hard in my chest as I took a deep breath and sat back down. I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands as I closed my eyes. Seconds later I was startled when the lights in the room came on. I was expecting having to apologize to an angry, possibly gun wielding, Chief Swan but when I looked up all words were gone.

She was wearing dark blue shorts and a white tank top that did nothing to hide the fact that she was not wearing a particular undergarment. Her long brown hair was all over the place and I couldn't form a coherent thought. Her eyes narrowed at me and she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Edward, what the hell are you doing down here?"

I could have asked her the same thing. I was under the impression that she'd already left. She was about to start her second semester in the culinary program at the Art Institute in Seattle.

"I'm, uh, staying here for the weekend," I looked down because she looked extremely pissed off. I also silently wished I had a shirt to hide my boney arms and torso. "I couldn't sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up but I thought you already went back to school." Emmett told me she had a job interview and had left to go back early.

"Not until tomorrow," she muttered, rubbing her eyes as she walked over and plopped down next to me. "Sorry. I get cranky when I get woken up." A yawn ended her sentence as she grabbed a blanket that was draped over the back of the couch. Eyes watering, she looked at me again. "So what's the deal with you staying over on a school night?"

"It's my mom's birthday on Saturday. Carlisle took her to some fancy place in L.A. to celebrate."

"Ah, I take it from your tone that you don't like your mom's new boyfriend?"

I thought about it for a few seconds. It wasn't that I didn't like him. He was nice enough...

"He's just always around."

She nodded like she understood.

"Your mom seems pretty happy though. I wouldn't worry about it. You know she loves you, and the novelty of a new relationship will wear off soon en..." The "ough" was drawn out in another long yawn.

"I'm sorry I bothered you, Bella. I can go to Emmett's room and let you get back to bed."

I stood up but was held in place by a firm grip on my wrist.

"Hey, you woke me up. Now you've got to pay the penalty of keeping me company," she nodded her head toward the TV. "You said you couldn't sleep. I've got a pretty awesome movie collection..."

I nodded dumbly and sat back down on the couch for the third time in five minutes. She got up and made her way toward the set of shelves that held her movies. She shuffled around for a few minutes with the blanket still wrapped around her before turning around with a case in her hand and a grin on her face.

"Have you seen the new X-Men movie yet?" I shook my head. She smiled and spun around to set up the movie.

She shut off the lights and sat back down. It appeared that we had both chosen our own sides of the couch, and there was at least two feet of distance between any of our body parts. I hadn't noticed a change until a blanket was being draped over me. When I looked at her she had just finished scooting closer and I felt a warmth spread inside my embarrassingly shirtless chest. I must have looked as nervous as I felt because she explained herself.

"I can't in good conscience let you freeze, can I?"

With our shoulders touching I noticed that I was finally gaining some height on her. With me being bigger than her, I could almost pretend that we were equals. She leaned back, eyes on the screen, content to watch the previews instead of fast forwarding through them... But I knew I wasn't going to see her for months and this was the best opportunity I was gonna get to talk to her.

"So... You like school so far?"

She shrugged but kept her eyes on the television.

"Classes are okay. It just feels kind of..." She trailed off, angling her face toward me. "Do you really want to hear about this?"

"I do." That may have come out a little too eagerly. "I promise." Even better. Her body sagged as she let out a long sigh.

"I'm sure you would get it. When you guys moved here and your dad wasn't around, did it ever exhaust you having to pick up some of the slack?"

For the past two and a half years I'd looked after Vicky every time mom had to work late. I'd also learned how to cook a couple different kinds of meals and, not too mention, I was used to having to say no when the guys asked me to hang out.

"Yeah. It still does sometimes."

She nudged my shoulder as a sign of sympathy before she took a deep breath.

"I always thought that when I got to college, I would feel this huge sense of relief. Like I'd finally get to be on my own and enjoy being my age for once."

There was nothing wrong with that and I told her so. She looked up from the edge of the blanket she'd been toying with and diverted her eyes again.

"I know there's nothing wrong with it. It's just that every time someone asks me to go out or tells me about some cool party that's happening I just think of you guys." Was I included in that? "Oh, come on, Edward. You and Emmett have been glued together since you moved here. You're practically a Swan."

Good or bad? I couldn't decide how I felt about that, so instead I focused more on what she was actually saying to me.

"I understand that you feel responsible for taking care of everybody because you've been doing it for years... But everyone understands that you're young and in college. Nobody expected you to hang around and take care of a couple of guys that can do all right for the few months that you're away. Sure everybody misses you," me especially, "and don't get me wrong, you're definitely needed. But it's just... You can't feel guilty for living."

That was definitely the most I'd ever said to her at one time. She stared at me for a few seconds causing some more nerves to start swimming through my stomach.

"Thanks, Edward."

She said it so quietly I almost didn't hear her. I nodded and decided to go back to a safer topic.

"Me and Emmett have Mrs. Hammond for english this year. She's been harping on him for not being as good as you."

"Yeah, that was always my best subject." She smiled and looked back at the preview for some girly movie. "What about you? I'm sure you're excelling in all your classes." The tip of my ears felt hot at her compliment.

"Nah, not really. I'm pretty good at science but I don't exactly enjoy it. I don't know what I would do with that in the real world anyway."

"You'll figure it out. None of us really know what we want to do with our lives. I'm in college for cooking but there's still a little part of me that feels like I might like to teach someday."

"You'd be a great teacher, Bella."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, totally. I mean, teachers should be people that other people feel comfortable with and that are selfless and want to see others improve and grow."

"You really think those things about me?"

When I looked at her face it was the first time that she'd ever looked at me like I could answer something for her. It was like I wasn't some younger kid that ate her food and took up space on her couch.

"Of course. You're one of the best people I've ever known."

We were both startled by the loud music of the movie menu. She gave me a small smile and picked up the remote to press play. Knowing our conversation was over, I relaxed back into the couch, resigned to watch the movie. It was about twenty minutes in when I looked and noticed her eyes beginning to droop. Five more and her head had fallen back with her mouth open, even breaths puffing out of her lips. I studied her face for a few minutes. If I was just a couple years older...

Realizing that if she woke up and saw me gawking at her, she might freak out, I focused my attention back on the movie.

I never even saw the credits roll but when I woke the next morning I was sprawled out on the couch alone. I shifted and heard the loud crumpling of paper in my ear. I sat up and saw that she'd left a note for me.

Edward,

Sorry for passing out on you last night. Tried to wake you to go back to Emmett's room but, as you probably already know, you sleep like a rock. I'll probably be gone before you wake up. Hope you liked the movie.

-B

P.S. Charlie keeps the good cereal hidden behind the breadbox so Em won't eat it. Swear yourself to secrecy!

I squashed down the disappointment I felt at not getting to say goodbye and tucked her note into the pocket of my pajama pants. It was still pretty cold so I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and made my way to kitchen to see what treasures lay behind Charlie Swan's bread.