Sunday, July 6, 2007

I don't like hope very much. In fact, I hate it. It's the crystal meth of emotions. It hooks you fast and kills you hard. It's bad news. The worst. It's sharp sticks and cherry bombs. When hope shows up, it's only a matter of time until someone gets hurt. -Jennifer Donnelly, Revolution

"I'm sorry, man. I really didn't think they'd show up." I looked around Emmett where Lauren and Tyler were standing chummily by the barbecue. "Do you want me to kick them out? Cause I will." I rolled my eyes and got up from my lawn chair.

"Nah, Em. I don't really give a shit. Good for them."

I walked away to get another drink.

I may not have planned to do the whole long distance thing with her, but that didn't mean that, after dating for almost two years, I wanted to find my girlfriend making out with another guy in the bathroom at our after-prom party. Before I reached the special bowl of punch Em had spiked to celebrate our going away, I was intercepted by an anxious looking Garrett.

"Are you sure your mom doesn't mind that we're taking your car?"

I didn't think Garrett could really wrap his head around the fact that he was getting out of Forks. He didn't have the grades for a scholarship and with his mom out of work for so long, he couldn't afford the alternative. It wasn't until Em and I both got accepted to UCLA that he even tried getting into contact with his dad's younger brother. They hadn't seen each other since the funeral almost ten years before. Uncle Peter was so happy to hear from him that he invited all three of us to stay in Encino for the summer.

An offer I had declined up until two days ago.

"Garrett, number one, it's my car. What would she even need it for? Number two, I don't want to ask that emotional trainwreck anymore questions about my leaving, so if you wanna know anything you'll have to ask her yourself."

We both turned to look at her as she sat with Bella on the porch, both of them flipping through old family photo albums. They'd been sighing and 'aw'ing at every page turn for the past half an hour. Garrett snorted and looked back at me.

"I'm sorry, man. I just can't wait for tomorrow." He wrapped one arm around my shoulders while throwing the other up in the air. "Sweet, sweet California," he shouted.

I laughed and tried to catch another glimpse of Bella but Jake had come up beside her. Noticing my quick shift in moods, Garrett looked around the yard as I pulled away and poured myself more punch.

"Are you still bummed about Lauren?"

I wish.

"No, definitely not," I said as I brought the drink to my lips.

"No? So, is this about Bella then?" I started choking and stared at him in shock. "Come on, Edward. You can't possibly think I never noticed."

Wiping off the red liquid that was now dripping down my chin, I scoffed.

"Yeah, you're one to talk. You think I don't see how you look at Kate?"

His eyes darted to the pretty blonde on Emmett's lap.

"That's different and you know it."

"It may be different but it's also the same."

He raised his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing at it before making a gesture with his chin for me to follow him out of the yard. When we reached the driveway, we sat down on the ground in narrow space between my car and the picket fence that separated our yard from the neighbor's. He grabbed a little red carton from his pocket, pulling two cigarettes and a lighter from the inside. He passed one to me and cupped his hands to light his own.

"If my mom comes out here, she's gonna tie me to a chair and not let me join your stupid ass tomorrow."

He rolled his eyes and tossed me the lighter after blowing a cloud of smoke in my face.

"You're eighteen. She can't stop you."

"Yeah? Tell her that."

He laughed and leaned his head back on the car.

"Why did Emmett have to go and choose her?"

He sounded so resigned. I lit my cigarette and scooted over closer to hand the lighter back to him.

"Garrett, you know he can be kind of oblivious. You should have told him right from the beginning. He never would have asked her out if he knew."

He shook his head.

"Doesn't matter anymore. They've been together for months. She's off limits now."

"And that's it?"

With his head still leaned back he closed his eyes.

"Yeah, that's it. So let's just stop talking about Emmett's girlfriend okay? Let's talk about you. How long have you had a hard-on for his sister?"

I winced and looked out toward the street.

"How long do you think?"

"I don't know what I think. What I know is I've been watching you make those googly eyes after her for as long as I can remember you being around."

Had I been so obvious?

"Well, then there's your answer."

I tried to sound pissed off but on the inside I was praying he'd been the only one to notice.

"So we're both just hopeless then."

I laughed because I thought that was obvious.

"Two days ago, I didn't think it was so far-fetched." I took another drag and watched a couple of cars go by. "I was gonna tell her and everything."

I looked back toward him and his eyes weren't closed anymore.

"So? What stopped you?"

I didn't want to talk about it but it was the first time I'd ever been able to say any of this out loud, and I found that I couldn't stop myself from laying it all out there.

"She was hanging around me a lot for the couple of weeks after my birthday. I think she was bored and I was just there. It didn't matter either way because I wasn't complaining. I was gonna tell her Friday. I just couldn't not tell her anymore, you know?"

He nodded because now he understood.

My stomach dropped at the memory of walking onto the beach with so much false hope. The reservation always put on fireworks for the Fourth of July so I'd agreed to meet Emmett and Bella there. I'd worn my favorite Cubs hat that she still loved to make fun of and the dark blue t-shirt she had bought me for my birthday. I was too nervous to even notice the two of them sitting so close together by the water.

"But then she got back together with Jake."

"Then she got back together with Jake."

"And you decided to come with me and Emmett."

"And I decided to come with you and Emmett."

I drew my knees up higher and leaned my elbows on them, watching the white paper in my hand turn to ash.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"Edward?"

"Shit!"

We both balked at the sound of Carlisle's voice, throwing our cigarettes into the street. After practically ripping the backdoor of my car open, I felt around for the Febreze I knew was somewhere back there while Garrett searched through the front. When we came out I was spraying the two of us with the scent of fresh linens and he was tossing me a pack of gum. By the time Carlisle made it to the side of the car, the evidence was gone and we were attempting to sit in the most inconspicuous positions possible.

"What are you guys doing out here?"

The silence lasted a beat too long and his stare became a little harder.

"Edward was just giving me some advice on lady problems, doc."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you two should head back to the party. Edward, your mother is wondering where you went. Usually when a celebration is thrown in honor of a certain person, that person makes an effort to socialize."

"Sorry, Carlisle," I spoke as I moved to stand.

As we tried to move past him, Garrett made it through but Carlisle held on to my arm.

"I know that you're technically an adult now, Edward... But as a doctor, do I need to remind you of the negative side effects caused by smoking cigarettes?"

"Uh, nope."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's good. Because I take it you know how upset your mother would be if she knew you would ever do something like that?"

I nodded.

"Well, alright then."

We walked back into the backyard where Garrett was waiting for me.

"Dude, that was so close."

"It wasn't close, Gar. He knows."

We both looked to where Carlisle was now standing by my mom. He made eye contact and raised an eyebrow. We both turned away quickly.

"Let's just be happy that my stepfather really cares about my mom, and hopefully he doesn't want to cause her any kind of disappointment."

He nodded and we walked back toward where the rest of the guys from the baseball team were sitting by the pool. Before I could sit down with them Bella appeared at my side.

"Hey, Edward. Would you mind if I gave you your present now?"

Garrett gave me a 'good luck' slap on the back and sat down without me.

"Yeah, sure."

We walked over to the back porch and sat on the swing there where she handed me my gift. I tore off the delicate looking wrapping paper to find a Nike shoe box. I looked at her skeptically and she rolled her eyes.

"Would you just open it?"

I did and what I found was a bunch of mix CDs, all labeled differently. There was Road Trip Mix 1, Songs That Emmett Hates, and even a Songs To Keep You Alive. I smiled and turned towards her.

"Those are just for the road. Look under them." I did as she asked and found a framed picture of me with her, Emmett, and Charlie. "Now, I know you're gonna be some big fancy engineer, but this is just a friendly reminder to remember where you came from."

It only twisted the knife inside me more that she thought I could ever forget.

"Thanks, Bell-"

I didn't even get the words out before her arms were around me.

"I'm gonna miss you and Emmett so much. Don't you guys break too many Californian hearts, okay?"

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her.

"Oh, Bella. I really don't think you're gonna have anything to worry about."

I closed my eyes and breathed her in because that was the closest I was going to get to telling her anything about how I felt.

She pulled away with a watery smile.

"Have fun out there, Edward. You deserve it. And if you can, keep my brother out of trouble."

She got up and headed back to the party. Instead of following behind her I went inside and brought the box up to my room. I set it down on my bed and spent a few seconds looking back and forth between it and the bags I had packed for the move. Trying not to over think it, I grabbed the box and put it under my bed.

As I walked back down the stairs I'd convinced myself that it was the right thing to do. I knew that she meant well, but if I was leaving Bella behind, I had to leave all of her.