Saturday, April 11, 2009

It's not that the grass is greener, it's that you can never be on both sides of the lawn at the same time. -Laura Fraser, All Over the Map

"Hey babe, did I leave my black shirt at your place?"

"I don't know."

I could hear her grumbling in the other room while I sat on the couch flicking through the channels, trying not to think about the night I had ahead of me. The door to the bedroom opened and Maggie came out looking aggravated

"I can't find any of my sweaters. Why couldn't we stop at your place before the restaurant?"

Because Bella is there with Emmett and I'd prefer only seeing her in a crowded, public environment. Between my finding an apartment in Encino with Garrett and Emmett last summer, and the holidays just being hectic, I hadn't seen Bella in over a year.

"It was just easier to stop here."

She rolled her eyes and sat down next to me, nestling into my side.

I'd been working at the deli for Uncle Pete with Garrett since we first got to California after high school, and then one day she walked in. She was a pretty girl with her wavy red hair and flowery dress. After purchasing eight pounds of beef for a family barbecue, she shocked me by asking if I wanted to go out with her. She was forward but sweet so without really thinking about it I got her phone number. Nine months later, though we'd never put a name to what we were doing, I thought I'd been so sure where we stood with each other. Now just the thought of seeing Bella again had me questioning all of it.

My phone went off. After reading the words on the screen, I reluctantly told Maggie it was time to go.

"So what's Emmett's sister like?"

I opened the car door and slid in as she did the same on the other side.

"She's uh... Cool, I guess? She went to culinary school... Practically raised Emmett. I don't know. She's just... Bella."

Apparently that answer placated her because she didn't ask anymore questions for the rest of the drive. We were headed to a little Mexican grill downtown and the closer we got, the more I had to fight like hell to keep my composure. If the looks Maggie kept shooting me were any indicator, I wasn't doing a very good job.

As we walked in, I immediately spotted Emmett's broad form near the back. Moving through the crowded room, my heart felt like it was about to blow. Rosalie was the first to notice our approach and as I saw her mouth moving, everyone sitting at the table turned around.

The shift from anticipation to actuality was faster than I could have imagined.

The first thing I noticed was that her hair was shorter. She looked exhausted, but she was beautiful. Even more so than I remembered. It took me a few seconds to even notice that there were other faces staring at me. Right beside Bella was a dark haired woman who looked familiar, and next to her was a blonde guy I'd definitely never seen before. I also noticed that Jacob was nowhere to be found. Before I had a chance to greet anyone, Emmett stood from his seat and quickly excused the both of us. Rose waved Maggie over but she paused to look at me.

I tried to convey without words that I was just as clueless as she felt and she nodded hesitantly before sitting down next to her cousin. Rose was a freshman at Cal State and Maggs made the mistake of bringing her to one of Em's football games. They'd been dating only a few months less than we had.

Emmett tugged on my arm and pulled me to the side before he started talking quietly.

"I know this is kind of short notice, man, but Bells needs a place to stay." He could have punched me in the face and I would have felt exactly the same.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, her and Jake broke up and she's got nowhere to go. Dad just started seeing that Sue woman and she doesn't want to intrude on whatever the hell that's about. She just wants to get away from Seattle. All her friends there are Jake's friends and shit, ya know?"

I could tell that most of those words, with the exception of a few embellishments, were probably verbatim from Bella. I looked back toward the table where she was talking with the girl beside her. Almost instantaneously she was looking straight back at me.

And she looked nervous.

"Have you even talked to Garrett about this? I mean, where are we gonna put her? We don't exactly have a lot of extra space." His expression morphed into one of guilt. I started tugging on my hair while mentally preparing myself for what I was about to hear. "What'd you do, Em?"

"I may have asked him to stay at Kate's for a few weeks."

"Are you kidding me? He practically shit himself when he asked her out for the first time one month ago. And now you're asking him to basically move in with her?"

Kate had stayed in touch with all three of us even though her and Em didn't stay together. After visiting a couple times our freshman year, she fell in love with Southern California and wound up transferring to the law program at our school this past Fall. When Garrett finally confessed to Emmett that he was pretty much in love with her, they had a short, awkward conversation that ended with Emmett's blessing.

"It's not like they just met. They've known each other forever."

He started scratching the back of his neck and avoided eye contact. I didn't bother addressing what he'd said because I could tell that even he knew it was total bullshit.

"So he said yes to this?"

"Well, uh... The answer to the question was yes... But I guess I didn't really ask him exactly..."

"What do you mean?"

"I may have called Kate and asked if she'd be cool with it."

I shook my head at him.

"Dude, you're a shithead."

"Whatever, man. The point is, Garrett is staying with Kate for a few weeks and he's probably stoked about it. So are you cool with Bell staying with us until she finds her own place?"

I tried to taper down the panic that was building up inside me.

"Yeah, sure. She can stay as long as she wants."

He threw an arm out and slapped me on the back in thanks before turning to the rest of the table.

"I told you he wouldn't mind you staying with us, B. You were worried for nothing."

Bella smiled softly at me but I turned to look at Maggie. I knew the confusion in her eyes was well founded, as well as the hurt. I'd just agreed to let a grown woman stay in my apartment without even talking to her. She looked away from me and hid behind her hair. The wall of red was a tell-tale sign that I was in trouble.

I moved to sit down and almost jumped when Bella's hand touched my wrist. She whispered a quiet 'thank you.' I pulled my hand away as discretely as possible before leaning down and giving her a cordial hug.

"Nice to see you, Bella."

I tried to keep it casual as I sat down and reached for Maggie's hand under the table.

"Bella, this is Maggie. Maggie, this is Emmett's sister, Bella."

They both smiled at each other and with the hand I wasn't holding onto, Maggie reached over and shook Bella's. The clearing of a throat to her left caused Bella to laugh.

"Sorry, I'm being rude. Edward, Maggie, this is my best friend Alice and her husband, Jasper."

When her companion started talking a mile a minute, a fuzzy memory of Bella telling me about her energetic college roommate surfaced.

"Edward, it's so nice to finally meet you. Bella's always told me so many stories about the three stooges she watched grow up in Forks and you were the only one I hadn't met yet. Jazz and I have even ventured down to Forks and you were never anywhere to be found."

Bella leaned forward on the table which brought her closer to me.

"Yeah, Edward's been a hard one to track down since he started college."

The proximity of her eyes and her lips and her skin had me on edge. A soft 'ouch' to my right distracted me as Maggie pulled her hand out of my grasp. A heavy feeling of guilt filled my chest but I forced a smile, keeping my gaze on the only girl I was supposed to have eyes for.

"Yeah, I guess I've just been really busy with my new life here."

The short glare that went unnoticed by everyone else told me Maggie wasn't fooled by my words. My erratic nerves in the past five minutes were enough to show her that something was off, and she wasn't happy that I'd led her into the night blind. The silent exchange we shared was over but I knew we'd have to talk and it was probably going to hurt us both.

We were distracted by Bella bringing up stories of all the trouble Emmett and I got into when we were kids. She told Maggie about how often we were forced clap erasers outside the classroom that first year I lived in Forks. That story acted as the catalyst for an evening of 'remember when's.

Alice explained to me that she'd met Bella in a required math class and they bonded over their mutual hatred for Julie Chen. Though, at three margaritas in each, neither could pinpoint the reasons why. They'd lived together for four years and were using alcohol to nurse the hurt they felt at their inevitable separation. When Alice started singing along with the music in the restaurant, Jasper made the decision to call it a night while the two could still walk on their own. If Maggie hadn't been suspicious before, when Bella gave me an extra long hug outside the restaurant, loudly asking why I never returned her calls, I'm sure she would have caught on by then.

The silence when we returned to my car was excruciating as Maggie toyed with the hem of her skirt. I silently begged her to turn around but staying faced away from me, she spoke.

"I just always thought it was that girl you've mentioned from high school that made you the way that you are." She paused but I couldn't speak. I had a feeling she wasn't looking for a response anyway. She looked down and spoke even softer. "I know you said you were never completely invested in her, so it didn't really affect you when she cheated... But up until now I just thought you were being a boy and playing the whole I-don't-care bit you guys tend to do when you get hurt... But it really never bothered you, did it?"

I was already looking at her when she turned to me. Her blue eyes were glassy and I didn't know what to do. I'd never seen her cry before.

"No. I didn't ever really care for Lauren the way that she probably deserved..."

She looked away again but I didn't miss the way her face screwed up.

"Then why did you date her for so long?"

I knew she wasn't asking for Lauren. She thought that I was doing the same thing with her now that I'd done back then. I grabbed her arm, trying to get her to look at me.

"Maggs, come on. You know it's not like that."

She sniffled and it sucked because I knew I was hurting her and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Isn't it, Edward? Just how long have you been in love with Emmett's sister?"

To have it phrased so simply really cut into me. Infatuated, yeah. But love? Is that what this was? I couldn't figure out an answer for her or myself. Eventually my silence really got to her.

"Can you take me home?"

"Maggie-"

"Please."

I sighed and wiped my hand over my face. Out of all of the scenarios I had gone through in my head about how the night would go, this actually hadn't been one of them. By the time we reached her building, Maggie had changed from visibly upset to almost stoic. It was killing me that I felt so out of control; That Bella could still have such an effect on this part of my life.

"Can we just talk about this, Maggie?"

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Give me a few days, Edward. I think it would be good if we both had a little time to think, you know?"

I swallowed my words of resistance and nodded. She smiled at me before she got out of the car and walked away.

I tried calling her the next day but she wouldn't answer. When two days passed and she still wouldn't talk to me, I asked Rose what to do. She told me that she didn't know what was going on with us, but that Maggie wanted space and had asked her to tell me to cool it for a while. She also took a bunch of her stuff out of the apartment.

I think the day I really gave up on Maggie was the same day Bella moved her stuff in. Alice and Jasper had travelled back and forth from Seattle with her to help bring her things. We were almost finished bringing everything up when I noticed a familiar photograph sticking out of a box on the coffee table. As I lifted it out, I could almost feel the sun of that hot summer day two years ago when she'd handed it to me the first time. I was at a loss as to how she'd gotten it back.

"Your mom said she found it under your bed."

Her voice startled me and I almost dropped it.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. When she found out I was moving out here she came to Charlie's and asked me to give it to you."

Emmett started calling for her from outside so she just smiled and left it at that before heading back out. That was so like her. She could have made me feel like an asshole for leaving behind a gift she'd specifically given me to take here, but she didn't.

When I stared down at our younger, smiling faces, it was like the past two years never even happened. The feelings that had slowly been resurfacing since the night out with everyone slammed into me all at once. I carried the picture into my own room and put it on my dresser.

Maybe it was all for the best. I could never have been what Maggie needed. There was an entire part of myself that I'd given away a long time ago. Bella had taken it without even knowing and I was never going to get it back.

I just had to hope that having her back in my life wasn't going to derail any of the plans I had for my future.