Fireworks
I knew who it was, even though I had long since deleted his name from my contact list.
As badly as I wanted to cuss him out, I knew better than to respond, as it would only encourage him.
Leave me alone and let me move on with my life!
What more do you want from me? What more do you think I could possibly give?
Just leave me alone…
The misery and humiliation I thought I'd left in Virginia prickled at the corners of my eyes. I brought my hands to my face to catch the wayward tears, angrily wiping them away.
Stop it. Stop crying. It's just a random text message he sent to get a rise out of me. He doesn't know where we moved. He couldn't find me, even if he tried…
Could he?
If I can keep it together, Nathaniel won't notice, and we can go have fun with his friends like nothing happened…
But he did notice. When my hand left his, his face soured immediately, but this time with concern instead of anger. The annoyance that had been there only seconds ago was gone completely. I turned away to hide my weepy eyes, closing out of the text and shoving my phone into my back pocket.
He followed, facing me so I could read his lips. Johanna, what's wrong?
Oh, my God, those eyes... Don't look at me like that, Nathaniel...
Tell me, he begged, touching my face with gentle hands, blocking out the world on either side. All I could see were brown eyes under furrowed brows and wispy bangs.
I couldn't tell Nathaniel—sweet, kind Nathaniel, who didn't care in the slightest that I couldn't hear. He would never think of me the same way again if he knew...about him.
The longer I looked at those sad brown eyes, the harder it was for me to regain control of my emotions. I hiccupped, trying to swallow what must have been audible sobs, but that only made it worse. I frantically shook my head, the ribbons on my pigtails swatting at my ears.
This wasn't at all what today was supposed to be like.
Why was I still letting him rule me, after I went to such great lengths to get away from him?
Nathaniel plunged into his pocket and dug out his own phone. I saw his fingers cue up Candace's name and compose a text, but between the glare from the quickly setting sun and the new tears that were welling in my eyes, I couldn't read it.
His eyes returned to mine, and he took me by both hands. His lips were trying to tell me something, too, but I… No, I couldn't read what he was saying. My eyes were still too watery. Damn it, stop crying!
Nathaniel coaxed me into moving by putting an arm around my shoulder and giving me a gentle push. My feet stumbled forward, the dry sand working its way into my shoes. He lead me back the way we came, up to the street above the bustling beach and past all the cars parked on the asphalt. His truck was waiting for us in its lonely vacant lot; it seemed no other latecomers had taken the initiative to park there.
He insisted on opening the door for me and helping me climb inside, fussing over me like I was injured. He came around the other side and slammed the door behind him. Once shut inside, he decompressed, leaning back into the driver's seat and breathing out through his mouth. The cool, dark interior of the truck was helping me relax, too. I let out a deep breath of my own and kicked off my shoes to relieve the discomfort of the sand scratching at my heels. It was clear he meant to calm me down by getting me off that crowded beach...but I had no idea where he wanted to go from here.
He didn't jam the key into the ignition to start the truck. Rather, he brought his phone out of his pocket once more. When its screen lit up in response to his touch, I saw Candace's waiting reply to the text he'd sent her a few minutes ago: "Aw, poor Johanna! Are you sure you can't stay? Cas is being weird around Dake without you here."
Poor Johanna? What did he tell her—that I burst into tears for no reason and he had to take me away? What am I, a toddler throwing a tantrum at the grocery store?
He ignored Candace's text and instead opened a note-writing app. "You're scaring me, Johanna," he wrote with careful thumbs. "Please talk to me. Do you need me to take you home?" He held the phone out for me to take, obviously hoping I would write him back.
But I absolutely couldn't. I stared at the screen and racked my brain for the right words, but I couldn't find them. My fingers were mute, my thoughts static and blank. All I could do was shake my head. No, I can't talk to you. No, don't be scared. No, I really don't want to go home.
Nathaniel didn't understand. He was at a loss. He pinned himself against the driver's side door and stared at me as though terrified the slightest movement would set me off again. We'd always managed to find a way to communicate somehow, in spite of my deafness. Now, communication between us was completely shut down. I doubted it would help even if I was able to hear.
Just then, Nathaniel's phone jittered in his still outstretched hand, indicating another incoming text. It was Candace again. "Lys forgot he was supposed to bring the fireworks." And another: "Cas won't put on sunscreen and he's already starting to burn." The texts kept coming as fast as Candace could type them. "Dake is bored and keeps trying to mess with Cas and he's pissing him off."
Nathaniel turned the phone over to read Candace's neurotic barrage of texts. Whatever he said, he said it with an exasperated eye-roll that suggested he didn't much care about Candace's predicament.
I couldn't help but crack a smile. That's more like the Nathaniel I know and... Well, the Nathaniel I've grown to like over the last month.
I felt so stupid for losing control of my emotions... I just wanted to hide for the rest of the night. Maybe I should go home. That way Nathaniel can play on the beach with his friends like we're supposed to be doing now. God forbid Candace should have to babysit Dakota and the other two boys all by herself.
But... I didn't want to leave Nathaniel.
Sorry, Candace, but you're on your own.
I reached out to Nathaniel with an uncertain hand. I couldn't speak, but maybe he could read what I wanted to tell him in my plaintive eyes, my repentant half-smile. I'm sorry, I tried to tell him. It's not your fault. I just overreacted. Please understand...
My name parted his lips into a pout. Johanna...
He met my hand with his and held it, dropping his phone so that it fell facedown onto the floor. I scooted across the seat a few inches closer, and he did the same.
He didn't care enough to stoop down and pick up his phone. He didn't need it anymore. The way he held my hand told me he finally understood what I was trying to tell him. It's okay, he said back with a reassuring squeeze. Everything is going to be okay.
This time, he moved closer first, and I followed suit. The space between us grew smaller and smaller until it was virtually non-existant.
With his other hand, the one that wasn't wrapped tightly around mine, he gently tossed one of my pigtails over my shoulder. Johanna, I just—
No, Nathaniel. Don't.
I sushed him with my fingertip, pressing into his warm lips. He obediently fell silent and held his lips still, and his jaw pulled them slightly apart as it hung slack, his eyes boring into mine.
Neither of us had to make a 'first move.' We both converged on each other at the exact same moment.
Each kiss felt as comfortable as my favorite pair of jeans, but as new and exciting as waking up on Christmas morning. No, kissing Nathaniel Weiss was like Christmas and a snow day and a parade all happening at the same time. At first he was soft, gentle, shy—his lips as kind to me while kissing as they were while talking or laughing. The taste was unlike any other I'd ever experienced. He was cool and slightly sweet like a cherry tomato—and somehow hot at the same time, like melt-in-your-mouth movie theater popcorn. We fell into the kisses deeper and deeper, harder and harder.
I needed him, and he needed me.
Suddenly, he tore his face away from mine and craned his neck to see out the back window.
I hadn't even realized the evening around us had faded completely to a cloudless black night, and the fireworks had started. We watched as green, white, gold, and red rocketed into the sky and burst into crackling embers. The arcs of color spread wider and wider until they fizzled out, only to be replaced by new colors and shapes that shot up from the ground below.
Come on, said his smiling mouth, and we scrambled out of the truck.
He pulled down the tailgate and hopped up onto it, beckoning for me to sit next to him. I happily sprang onto the tailgate, kicking my bare feet as they dangled from the edge. Together we watched the flashing fireworks, our faces pointed towards the sky. Every few seconds I'd catch him straining to look at me out of the corner of his eye—and the only reason I caught him was because I was doing the exact same thing.
Fireworks were great and everything, but nowhere near as explosive and exciting as what we had just dared to do. I wanted more.
We both looked left and right to make sure there was no one around. There wasn't—but even if there were, their attention would be on the fireworks show in the sky, not the one that was about to start on the tailgate.
I pulled him into another kiss, grabbing a handful of the Captain America shield on his t-shirt.
Before I could stop myself, I was drawing up comparisons in my mind between Nathaniel and my collection of boyfriends past. Although there had been quite a few, none of them were 'serious'...and none of them could kiss like Nathaniel. In fact, I found them all to be inferior to Nathaniel in every way...especially him, the uncouth sender of the creepiest Happy Birthday text ever. I wasn't even sure if I classified him as an ex-boyfriend. I'd much rather write him off as a stupid, stupid mistake than all him an ex-anything.
I wondered how Nathaniel would 'classify' me after tonight. After this kiss ends.
...I didn't want to think about it, so I kissed him as long as he would let me. He didn't seem to want to think about it, either, because he kissed me right back, matching every subtle movement.
This kiss was different from the first. It lost momentum towards the end, and when we finally parted, there was an odd mix of emotions on Nathaniel's face. His miles-wide smile and bright red cheeks made him look as giddy and dizzy as I felt, but his forehead and eyebrows were undeniably heavy with worry, with disappointment...with regret.
The word home appeared on his conflicted face—probably something like we should go home or I'll take you home.
The fireworks were over. In the sky above, the last of the 'grand finale' disappeared, leaving only stringy trails and ragged clouds of gunpowder-smelling smoke to be blown away across the ocean by the wind.
Reluctantly, we got down from our perch on the tailgate and shut ourselves into our respective sides of the truck. I succumbed to déjà vu as the truck grumbled to life and Nathaniel drove us back to our neighborhood. This was just like the drive home after the carnival, when I walked in on him dumping Melody, and I was sure he wanted nothing more to do with me.
The drive was mercifully short. After only a few more agonizing minutes of trying not to make accidental eye contact with him, he pulled into my driveway to let me out.
I shoved my feet back into my sandy shoes, but I couldn't be bothered to pull them up over my heels. Just before I slipped out the door and set foot on the driveway, Nathaniel grabbed me, wringing a hand around my wrist and holding me in place with surprising force. He conjured a pen from the glove box in front of my seat. The cold tip dug into the soft flesh of my inner arm, and I jumped at the sensation.
When he was done writing, he let me go. Good night, he said.
I was unable to avoid his eyes anymore. Good night, I signed.
Just like before, he didn't leave until he saw that I'd gotten the front door open and stepped safely inside.
Dad was on the living room couch right where I left him, squinting at the slowly scrolling white-on-black closed captioning for a Civil War documentary. I roused him with a gentle touch on the arm and a kiss on the forehead.
Startled awake from his History Channel stupor, he jumped and clutched his chest. Jesus Christ! Jo? What are you doing home so early? The way he was frowning at me, it was as though coming home too early was as suspicious as (if not more suspicious than) coming home too late. Is everything alright? What time is it?
I didn't dare unlock my phone to check the time, because then I would have to look at his text again. I supposed I would have to do so eventually, if only to delete it, but now wasn't the time. Not in front of Dad.
Oh, sure, everything's fine, Dad, I said dismissively. We just had a...a slight change of plans.
He blinked, not entirely sure whether of not he believed me yet. Did you have fun?
Yeah! We went to the beach and watched the fireworks. Oh, and I totally made out with Nathaniel the Neighbor Kid. ...And it was so much fun! We just came back a little earlier than I thought we would, that's all.
Oh. Okay. He shrugged, seemingly pleased that if nothing else I was home and in once piece. Don't wake your mother. She went to bed early because her back started bothering her.
I won't, I assured him. With that, I was dismissed and shut myself in my room.
I undid the buttons on my shirt and slipped it off over my shoulders. Simultaneously, I let the tap run in the bathroom sink, waiting for the water to get hot enough to wash my face and hands. I accidentally smudged what Nathaniel had written on my arm, but the runny blue ink was still legible. It was a jumble of numbers and letters that contained his initials and his last name.
I bet it's a screenname.
Oh, yeah! My new laptop! I'd forgotten about that, too. My hot back-of-the-truck encounter with Nathaniel must have fried a few brain cells.
It took a while for me to find the password to the wireless router, but I eventually got it hooked up correctly. It should have come as no surprise that 'njweiss121' was already signed into instant messenger and waiting for me. (What does the 'J' stand for? John? Jacob? Jack?)
When he got an IM from 'notlistening74,' he would know it was me. "It's been too long!" I teased.
But he wasn't in a teasing mood anymore. "Johanna, we need to talk about what happened."
Which thing that 'happened' did he mean: my emotional outburst on the beach, or our heated makeout session in the back of his truck? "Okay," I agreed, disheartened by his coldness. "Talk to me."
"You mean a lot to me."
I kind of already knew where this was going. "You mean a lot to me, too. There's something I want to tell you, actually, but you have to promise you won't make fun of me or think I'm crazy."
An indicator next to his screenname told me he was typing a response, but he stopped when I sent my message.
He must be waiting for me to say it first.
Okay. Here goes nothing. "You're honesty the best friend I have," I admitted.
I told him a half-truth, because if I told him the whole truth about what I was feeling, I wouldn't be doing either of us any favors. Even if he did feel the same way, and I was almost sure he did, he would have no choice but to shoot me down just like Melody. Then even our friendship would be ruined. I couldn't risk losing the only real friend I had. My best friend.
Nathaniel's reply came lightning fast. "I feel the same way." His words-per-minute typing speed must be incredible. What a geek! "I should apologize to you for what I did."
"No, you shouldn't!" The kissing was by far my favorite birthday present. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It was as much my fault as it was yours."
"If you don't think I should be sorry, then I won't be. For what it's worth, I really enjoyed myself tonight..."
...But?
"...But I think it would be best if we didn't do that anymore."
Do what? Does he mean he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? He doesn't want to see me at all?
"Kiss. We really shouldn't kiss anymore."
Phew! "You're right," I typed back woefully. Because he was right. We really shouldn't. Nothing good could come of it. It felt too...serious. It hit too close to home.
But...he enjoyed it as much as I did...didn't he?
The chat was silent for a few minutes while we both thought.
Nathaniel was the one to finally break the figurative silence. "I've never done that before," he revealed.
I giggled, absentmindedly twirling my hair. "You've never kissed anyone before?" I didn't believe that for a second. He was so good at it, he obviously had to have some form of experience.
"No! I mean, yes, I've kissed before, but not like that." His 'njweiss121 is typing' indicator flashed off and on for a few fretful seconds; he couldn't decide what to say next. Finally he settled on, "I've never lost control like that before."
I thought it was funny that he chose to word it that way. I'd been struggling with control all night. I didn't think I'd ever had full control to begin with, so I had no idea what it would be like to lose it.
I wondered what it would take for Nathaniel to relinquish what was left of his control.
"Do you have a webcam?" I asked suggestively.
He confirmed that he did by turning it on. His face appeared in a new window beside our chat. His telltale smile glowed in the white light of his computer monitor. I couldn't see very much of his dark bedroom behind him, but I was able to make out the shape of a bookshelf, which was filled to almost overflowing with books.
Why was my heart racing? The last time I saw him was maybe thirty minutes ago, but it felt like I hadn't seen him in days.
I reciprocated by enabling my own webcam, and my freckly face appeared below Nathaniel's: my dim room with its bare walls and still-unpacked boxes, my pigtails still tied with ribbons, my bikini top—
Crap! I'd taken off the shirt I was wearing over my bikini top. Now Nathaniel had an unmarred full-frontal view, each little cherry on my blue-and-white swimsuit as clear as day. I guess I shouldn't have been too embarrassed; if we had played on the beach at all that night like we had originally planned, my shirt would have had to come off at some point anyway, and he would have seen me in a wet bikini. (...Why did I let Nathaniel take me home early again?)
I watched his face turn ten shades of red in real-time. His hand shot up to cover his mouth, as though stifling a cry of surprise I couldn't hear.
"Sorry," I typed one-handed, and tilted the monitor so that the webcam only showed me from the neck up. Oh, crap—I shouldn't have said anything at all. I'm just drawing more attention to it. Now he's going to think I did that on purpose, even though I didn't...
His lips curled into a smile not unlike the one he wore just after our first kiss. "What was that for? Is it my birthday, too?"
I clasped my hands over my mouth, hoping Mom was already fast asleep and that she wouldn't hear me if I was squealing out loud.
The webcam feed on his end of the chat glitched up when he moved suddenly, leaving me looking at nothing but scrambled-up pixels until it righted itself. This time, Nathaniel's shoulders were bare. "There. We're even."
I drank in the sight, following the graceful curve of his collarbone with my eyes. I hoped it looked like I was just reading. "That doesn't count!" I retorted. "I've already seen you shirtless, remember?"
He nodded. "How could I forget?" His eyes narrowed; he paused to look straight into the webcam. It felt like he was staring straight into my eyes. "How do you suggest we even things out, then?"
Was that a serious question? Is this becoming one of those kinds of webcam chats?
I guess it's not technically kissing...
Nathaniel didn't seem too torn up about losing control this time around.
"You'll just have to remain in my debt for now," I typed with a shrug. "I'll call upon you to redeem the favor you owe me before the summer ends. Agreed?"
I might as well have flashed him again; he blushed even redder. "Agreed."
A/N: This update comes so late because I am grieving the death of my hard drive (2007-2013, R.I.P.) and all the information that was on it, since I stupidly didn't back anything up. This chapter would have been out much sooner, and in fact I was within minutes of publishing it, and then POOF, gone. ...On the bright side, I got the chance to go back and add more to it, I guess? Ah well. Tell me your thoughts/feels/predictions/questions/criticisms in a review or a PM. I always love hearing from you! ~binaryguppy