Saturday, November 16, 2013, 5:31 PM

I've always protected myself when it comes to love. And maybe that's the problem. By not letting myself get hurt now, it ripples into much bigger pain later. -Jay Asher/Carolyn Mackler, The Future of Us

I follow as everyone around me stands and claps in honor of my brother and his new bride. I have to get out of here. As discreetly as possible, I walk away from my table. I move through the lobby and spot glass doors to my right that look like they lead to a patio. I move as quickly as I can in my heels, thanking god silently when the door is unlocked.

The cold air rushes in as I go out. It bites at my skin but I revel in the release of tension I feel at finally being alone. The moment is cut short when I hear the door behind me open again. My hands clutch at the railing in front of me.

"Bella?"

My shoulders sag in relief and I turn around.

"Hey, James. What are you doing out here?"

He shrugs and walks over to me.

"You looked freaked out when you ran out of there. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I feel the blood drain from my face as he hurriedly continues. "Nobody else noticed, I don't think."

I choose to believe him, even though I know he's probably wrong. He stands next to me and pulls a pack of cigarettes from his suit pocket.

"I thought Charlie got you off of those."

He sighs and takes one out, placing it between his lips, talking around it.

"It's been a long week."

I let out a humorless laugh and nod.

"I know how you feel. You got an extra?"

The shock in his eyes is hilarious but he pulls one out anyway and hands one over before leaning closer to light it for me. As I take the first drag, I successfully resist the urge to cough. I haven't smoked since college but apparently I've still got it.

"So..." I start. "You wanna talk about your long week?" He leans over the side of the balcony and blows smoke over the edge. "Is this about your parents?"

He grimaces slightly but shakes his head.

"For once, no..." He avoids eye contact, turning the stick of burning tobacco over in his hands. "It's about a girl."

The humility in his tone makes me smile. At least this I can help with.

"Well, luckily you're talking to one of those." He's silent for a few seconds and I nudge his shoulder with mine. He finally looks back at me. "Come on, what else are big sisters for?"

That same look of what I once interpreted as discomfort arises, but now I know it's just awe at be accepted.

"Do you think if you do something that you know is best for someone in the long run, but it really hurts them now, that they can ever forgive you?"

A wave of nausea works it's way into my body.

"Depends. How do you know what's best for this person?"

He's quiet, taking another drag and staring out into the darkness.

"I'm not good enough for her."

"James,-"

"I'm so fucked up, B. You have no idea how happy I am that Charlie has done everything he has, but I can't be enough for her."

My hand raises to his back.

"Honey, you are not your parents."

He shrugs me away and tosses his nearly finished cigarette into the darkness.

"I know I'm not them... But they weren't always them either."

I make another attempt to wrap my arm around his shoulders.

"I know what's happened to you was awful... But it has made you who you are. You're a gentle, intelligent young man. You're going to graduate from high school soon. A year from now, you'll be in college. They robbed you of the precious childhood you deserved. Don't let them take anything from your future."

He nods but I know it's not changing his mind.

"Would you rather this girl wind up with someone else?"

He grumbles and I have to ask him to repeat himself.

"I said, if there was someone who could make her happy, then yeah."

"Well, what if you make her happy?"

"I might, but I could hurt her, too."

I roll my eyes dramatically.

"Love hurts sometimes, kid. She could hurt you, too. Are you saying that she's not worth some pain?"

"What? No!"

"Then maybe you should consider the fact that she might feel the same way about you." I let go and look him in the eye. "Be honest with her. If she's worth anything at all she'll slap you for thinking so little of yourself."

He laughs and tucks his lighter back into his pocket before turning to leave.

"You should come back inside. You must be freezing."

"I'll be right behind you." I hold up the barely lit cigarette and he nods. "And for the love of god, cut that ponytail!"

He laughs and disappears inside.

As I lift my hand to my lips, it's shaking from the cold. The wind is blowing hard as I wrap my arms around myself. I'm so distracted by my own shivering that I don't hear the door open a second time. I nearly jump out of my skin when a layer of fabric is draped over my shoulders. My nose is filled with a familiar scent and I start feeling warmer immediately.

Without turning, I wait. I hear a long sigh before his voice surrounds me.

"Someone once told me those are bad for you."

I close my eyes and try to conceive the will to turn around.