Warnings: Swearing, yaoi, violence, general angst, possible OOCness (ages since I've written fanfiction so may be a little bit rusty) m/m sexual relations – limey/lemony, slight sap, Duo abuse

Pairings: 1x2 , 3x4, 5+2

A/N: I managed to wound myself this week (I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle as I am very, very clumsy) and I ended up adding a lemony/limey scene to the end of the chapter to cheer myself up as I have been stuck in the house…plus I thought this fic needed a slightly lighter moment as things are getting darker as there's not that many chapters left to go… and yeah, I did "borrow" the shower scene from Casino Royale – just a little ;)

Lesson here, kids – don't fall down the stairs if you don't want to write sexy scenes! For those of you who are reading Crossfire I've also written the lemon for that one this week – it's still quite a few chapters to go but yup, in the bag.

Song is Broken by Seether and Amy Lee

Chapter Sixteen

Broken

The shower spray is hot. Its damn near too hot as I sat in the corner of the stall, my knees drawn up to my chest, the t-shirt clinging to my skin, my boxers still on – I'd shucked off the jeans and got rid of my biker boots – I'd accomplished that small task and stumbled to turn on the water as hot as I could stand it. Then the floor had seemed like the best idea being that my body couldn't support itself and I'd stayed here. I felt shivery despite the heat as I watched through unblinking eyes the water that runs off my body. It's pink, it's water and blood mixing together and I watch it as it goes down the drain.

My hands are kinda shaky as I reach for the end of my hair and snap off the band, securing it around my wrist. I run my fingers through it a little and more red comes out into the water.

A safe house. Seen enough of these but this was probably the goddamn nicest. Wu was getting important in the Preventers. Or maybe we were important to the Preventers. Fuck knows. Heero had gone to clock in with our Preventer agent guards – do some perimeter shit. Old habits. Hard to break.

He'd left me here assuming with my stubbornness that I could cope with the simple task of undressing and showering myself. Assuming I wasn't a total incompetent. But I just had nothing right now, you know.

I don't know how long I'd sat here like this when the door opened and Heero was there – still bloody and dirty. He didn't hesitate, just walked towards the stall fully clothed and walked under the spray and sat next to me.

He didn't speak. I didn't either. I wanted to tell him he was a stupid asshole as he still had jeans, Converse and a denim jacket on, but hell, I just let him move my head to against his chest and his head rested on top of mine and one arm held me tight as water ran over us. I looked forward to see more blood and dirt mix. Huh, seemed to be more coming off him than had come off me. Weird.

You know, I talk and I talk and I talk but probably the worst thing with me is when I stop. It means that I'm thinking and generally me thinking is a dangerous and self-pitying shit load of angsty teenageness. It ain't pretty. He knows I blame myself for not predicting this – he knows I feel like a complete and utter shit. He knows I'm hurt, that I'm bruised, that I'm weak so I'm not gonna say anything to make this into some kinda pity party. We were both good at the blame and guilt thing – I knew he felt responsible too, you know.

Technically, we had – both of us with Wufei's blessing – given Dallas the C4. We'd given him the loaded and cocked gun and the reason to pull the trigger. But Jesus, we were not gonna talk about this, instead we were gonna sit in our clothes in a fucking shower stall and feel completely useless and… lost, you know. Broken, I guess. Two broken soldiers with the day's losses making its way down the drain… huh, something poetic about it all.

"Your clothes are wet," I managed to say after what seemed like forever.

"So are yours."

"Least I took off my jeans and boots."

I'd tried to be light-hearted but there was no mistaking the way I sounded. It was my voice, damn it, but it wasn't quite me who was speaking. He grunted, the good olde monotone Perfect Soldier shit sliding back into place and I moved to sit up off him, reaching towards the water and turning it off as it had started to run cold. His hair was plastered to his face, clothes completely soaked through but he looked… closed down. Like I was.

We didn't get up instead he carefully started removing the denim jacket and I could see him wince. He threw it out of the stall with a loud wet thwak sound.

"Heero… fuck."

He'd leaned forward to accomplish that task and I saw the large gash on his back, I could see abrasions on his shoulders and some on his arms. The white tank he'd been wearing underneath was stained with blood. The tank followed, sticking slightly to the congealing blood and was thrown in the same direction with his usual accuracy. He removed the Converse last and they were all soaked and squelchy. Canvas shoes - so not good in the rain never mind in a fucking shower which you've just walked into fully clothed and sat down in for… however long we've been here.

"You need stitches, 'Ro."

"I need to look at your wounds."

He got to his feet still in his soaked jeans and nothing else and I hesitated. I liked the corner of the shower. Plus I was shivering now and my hair was down and I was a goddamn mess but his hand was offered and I took it, he dragged my ass up.

Carefully he lifted up my t-shirt and I tried not to shy away from his touch. They'd done me over good, the bruises were already forming but only a little of the blood that had washed down the drain was mine. Most of it was Lance's.

"It's nothin'."

I averted his eyes and didn't say anything as his fingers touched my skin and I realised we were probably having some kind of "moment" like a moment in a relationship where you should say something – declare undying love or some shit. That we'd both nearly died and he thought I had died and we were meant to hold onto each other as something precious, as something above everything, you know, but I was wounded and sick and I'd been oddly relieved when I realised they'd lost my signal and he heard none of my rambling from the medication closet. Love – big word. Scary word. Sure as hell scares me.

You'd think that realising that we had nothing to say, we'd default to just fucking each other's brains out and all but I don't think I had the capacity for sex. I barely had the capacity for standing in front of him, for him touching my skin, for us shirtless and close but so far apart. Goddamnit.

I should reach out, I know I should but I was shaking and it was just not… not the fucking time. There were too many barriers still. Too much we weren't willing to say to one another.

"There's a Preventer doctor who wants to see you."

"Awesome," I replied.

The next four hours I went through a battery of blood tests and other shit. The doc was fine – a blonde dude in his mid-thirties with wedding ring and security clearance who kept an eye on me and stitched Heero's wounds up with calculated precision. We walked around the safe houses like ghosts, watching the news filter through on the large plasma screen. Heero was itching to just hack into the Preventer database and get the full reports, I could tell but you know, he stayed close to me rather than going to get a laptop as I think he thought I was about to do something stupid. I wasn't right now gonna do anything reckless. I was weak and needed time to recuperate. Afterwards? Hell, I wanted Dallas. I wanted him to fucking scream. And I was gonna get my wish. Shinigami doesn't lose his target. Doesn't lose those who need to meet their maker. And Dallas wasn't gonna disappear. And Roth? He was gonna suffer so much worse… death was too good for that asshole. Death was too clean.

The news began to come through. Reporters stood in front of the rubble that had once been a building as the information ran across the bottom of the screen. Eighteen Preventer agents had died. That was them just, poof, gone and then there were seven in critical condition in the best damn hospital in L2. A few had minor injuries and some had been unharmed. Wufei was pissed and had a dislocated shoulder we'd discovered in a brief comm message but other that than was his usual fiery, angry and righteous self.

The press were already shoving microphones in front of anybody vaguely important for comment. Une had made an official statement that was repeatedly broadcast. Relena appeared deploring the act and I saw Heero flinch slightly at seeing her on screen. Sore subject still, baby? You abandoned her a long time ago. The usual suspects appeared but one didn't. One more sensational news station had already started making connections between the act and the Winner Corporations L2 Project. The spokesperson for Winner Corp had only said "no comment" and there were now enquiries about where blondie was when the shit was going down. He was in hiding, dickwads, due to these kids and an asshole with an evil plan. I threw the remote in the direction of the screen but it kinda just stalled in the air rather than my usually awesome aim.

Doc suggested sleep. So I slept. I woke up having not slept anywhere near enough to find Heero in the same bed and it's a fucking single but since I have no idea how long I've slept for and how long he's been here I'm guessing my usual no snuggling or contact when sleeping thing has been overridden by exhaustion. I reach for water and he stirs next to me, his body really warm next to mine and I drink from the bottle before passing it to him. We sleep again. We recover. I don't dream. I'm kinda wondering if I'd been giving a fucking sedative. I'm a sneaky bastard and sure as hell Wufei knew I wouldn't be leaving this operation without a fight.

He's next to me when I wake up sometimes, limbs somehow entangled in mine, a hand somewhere on my skin – his temperature always seems too goddamn hot so I try to move but I'm next to the wall and I'm stuck in the covers and I want space, damn it, but then if he's gone I'm completely blindsided. I just wanted him. I never said I was a contradictory bastard – I'm totally not very good at this needing someone for something beyond sex so since we weren't fucking this was confusing the shit outta me.

It got to the fourth day we were here and 'Fei was meant to rendezvous with us and work out what the fuck had happened. I'd managed to sleep on and off, stopped ripping my guts out when coughing, eaten solid food and finally seemed to be fully clean of all the blood and bone. I'd been given a multi-coloured array of shots and felt like a human pin-cushion and God knows how many pints of blood vampire doc had taken. Didn't want to know and didn't know why he was doing it on a four hourly basis. Was thinking he was taking it in my sleep as well. Really was a fucking vampire.

Apparently my reaction to the virus was "unusual" and the dosage should've killed me within hours. I'd spent nearly eight hours in the medication storage. Heero informed me of that little nugget and didn't say much else. From hearing my signal cut off to actually finding me there had been eight hours. I knew practically they had to organise shit. The extraction teams weren't located on colony so it was down to the Preventer regional office plus the members of the undercover ops team that 'Fei travelled with. Plus there was no plan to remove me – it just became necessary to remove me. I didn't want to know how Heero had reacted – if it was him, I'd have gone protocol be damned and gone get him. I think he did try to, you know. He mumbled something about being detained. Guess Wufei knew the risks of Heero going in alone to retrieve me and decided the only way to stop the Perfect Soldier is to knock him out or lock him up. So he'd done one.

I looked over at him and he was sleeping and Jesus, he sure looked peaceful. I slipped out of the bed and guessed doc had given him a sedative and a strong one at that as he didn't move at all. He'd popped his stitches out twice in the last day from over-exertion and none of that was due to me. He'd been dreaming. Naw, let me rephrase – he'd been having some nightmares.

I grabbed some grey sweats and a Preventer sweatshirt and walked down the stairs of our swanky townhouse to secure coffee. There were two Preventer agents located in the building at all times. I walked expecting to see Jenkiss who was kinda cool but stopped at the door of the kitchen as I saw a familiar black ponytail and a rumpled uniform. His arm was in a sling awkwardly over his shoulder and he was staring at the black coffee.

"Hey."

He looked up to see me and appraised me. My hair wasn't braided, I'd given that up for a ponytail that took it off my face but it made me feel slightly vulnerable. I still look like shit. The sweatshirt is about two sizes too big and slides off my shoulders, exposing the angel wings on my arm and shoulder.

Wufei nodded.

I get coffee and I feel him watching every movement. "Yuy?"

"Asleep. Guess doc gave him a sedative. He didn't move when I climbed over him."

Black eyes looked back down to his coffee as I leaned against the counter. Did it make him uncomfortable that we were sharing a bed or something? Jesus, why was I thinking he was interested in my sex life after all the shit that had just happened? I'm totally self-centred and stupid sometimes. Yeah, always think everything is about me.

"You okay?"

"I have a dislocated shoulder. I am fine."

"I don't mean that."

"Maxwell, I have spent the last few days speaking to newly made widows and partners. I have sat in a hospital as seven men fight for their life. I have been supervising the excavation of what once was a hospital. I feel okay is an inadequate word and far from how I feel."

I had no response for that. I'd never seen him shaken up. Wufei was angry, pissy and goddamn fiery but he was always in control of his emotions. He was solid and calm. He took deep breaths before he said something important and profound. He was just so together. Out of all of us he was the least screwed up, or so I figured. Me and Heero were a package of volatility and barriers and confusion. Quatre and Trowa were the perfect couple who had to hide all their shit. They were masks and roles and playing something out for the public. 'Fei was just Wufei. Together. Controlled. Now, he wasn't.

"I'm sorry."

The words were lame. Sorry, Duo? Sorry for the people I got killed? Sorry for Wufei for having to tell those people – "hey is that Mrs what's-her-name with your two point four children? Yeah, your hubby ain't coming back. He's been blown to kingdom come so yeah, great, bye!" Sorry for not getting the gang and Dallas and Roth? Yup, all of the above.

"Sorry is an inadequate word." He moved off the stool and walked towards the sink and poured what remained down the sink. "And it is not correct. Things cannot always be predicted. We have to do what we feel is right in the moment."

"You sound like Heero… his following emotions bullshit."

"I don't know whether that is a compliment or an insult."

I laughed darkly. "I don't either, you know."

We stood for a moment. We were kinda close. Out of all of us, I'd never seen 'Fei remotely vulnerable and right now he was. He wasn't showing his emotions totally – there just was something in the way he stood that I could tell he was messed up. I reached out and regretted it immediately as he started from my hand touching his and our eyes met and it was totally the wrong thing to do. He wasn't a physical comfort kinda guy and plus it was confusing and weird between us. And I was very conscious that Heero was asleep upstairs and apart from sleeping with each other, we weren't being very touchy feely. I moved away a little and took a sip of the coffee, tried to pull up the sweatshirt to hide my shoulders and looked away.

"I heard the recording," he said quietly.

I think I managed an "oh" and a nearly choking on my coffee thing but that was about it.

"Yuy didn't. You can have it - we lost your signal thirty minutes after you finished speaking. It's deleted from the Preventer files."

Wufei pulled a small data disc from his pocket and it looked pretty harmless in the low light of the kitchen. It looked goddamn innocent but I felt like it was a grenade. No wonder he'd shied away from my touch – in that recording there was me telling Heero I loved him but also me telling 'Fei we coulda been good together. It was a double punch in the gut for him. I must seriously enjoy screwing with people's emotions somewhere in my depraved mind.

"He didn't hear any of it?"

"Once we established that you were compromised, Yuy was… difficult."

"Difficult?"

"It became necessary to detain him until we were ready to move."

"He mentioned something about that…"

Heero and difficult? Hell, yeah I could see that and he'd have been kicking himself that he hadn't persuaded me to stay and not go back to the hospital and get beaten and injected. I reached for the lil data disk and slipped it into the pocket of the sweatpants and went to sit on the stools away from him. Creating distance.

"Guess I should say sorry again," I shrugged. "I was outta it, you know, didn't really know what I was saying and all."

Wufei only studied me closely and I squirmed under his gaze. Oh yeah, I did know what I'd been saying to some extent but let's say when your facing death things you bottle up and pretend don't exist come out. Plus I was spacey. I'm gonna go with that. Rather than dealing with the emotional stuff in the middle of this.

"You want to go after Dallas and Roth."

It wasn't a question. He just stated the fact. I shrugged again and glanced at my wrist and that goddamn chip that had already got me into trouble. He noticed my hesitation and produced a tiny little device I recognised – a jammer. Being stealthy and shit, I'd carried a pocket jammer for years and plus the whole thing with Deathscythe was the hyper-jammer. 'Fei didn't want the Preventer brass to hear this conversation. That made me curious.

"Hell yeah but ain't we extracted?"

"The psychologist and debrief team arrive in two hours. I would advise that you are not here when they appear."

"The doc and the agents?"

"We'll knock them out," said a calm voice.

I turned and looked over my shoulder and Heero was stood in the doorway. He had an impressive case of bed head and I so wanted to comment on it but didn't. His eyes met 'Fei's over my head.

"Yuy."

"Chang."

You'd always think they didn't know each other with the way they spoke to one another. Jesus.

"You understand that I am not helping you in anyway. That you are now alone and without Preventer sanctions."

Heero nodded with a grunt and came to sit next to me.

"We're, like, rogue?"

"Rogue would be an appropriate term. I know nothing. I will deny everything. You will knock me and the agents out. You will relieve us of weapons. You will be put on the Preventer watch list and you could be arrested for disobeying orders."

"So we become wanted men? Wow, kinda like we're the bad guys in all this."

Heero snorted in response. "How many Preventer operatives are searching L2?"

Practical shit. Gotta love it. I leaned back on my chair as far as it would go and looked up at the ceiling instead. Yeah, the broadcasts were saying increased Preventer presence on colony for "safety" – the bombing was being blamed on a gang rivalry story rather than anything remotely terroristy so yeah, how many Preventers were going to be on colony was a damn fine question. As we were gonna go from ignored to wanted men in ten seconds flat.

"I am not ranked high enough to know that information. Officially, I am to debrief the two of you and I am off the case."

"You been fired?"

"Maxwell, you idiots are my team. My team just got eighteen Preventer agents killed."

That stopped any smart-ass remark from flying out of my mouth. I know I only got an "idiot" from 'Fei when he was really pissed. Heero seemed to flinch at the insult. Wondered if he didn't get pissy Wufei as much as me. That would figure. I bet he's a much better behaved agent than me none withstanding trying to come and rescue me. And oh yeah, I feel fucking terrible about those agents, so awesome. I looked down at my hands and started running my fingers over my tattoos and the stars around my wrists. Stars for the dead, you know. I didn't have enough body for a star for every soul I'd killed but there were enough to symbolise the amount of death I'd cause whether direct or not. Heero hand was suddenly on mine as if he knew what I was thinking. I blinked and looked back to 'Fei.

"Unofficially, Une knows that you two are the best chance we have to get Roth and Dallas. There is a leak within the Preventers. They pre-empted us. They had your files. There is a concern that the only way to finish this is for it to be off the books."

Heero just nodded and accepted this – that was him. Get orders – go do mission. Simple. I wanted to ask a ton of questions but I just shrugged. I wanted my chance at Dallas and Roth so I'm not gonna say no. Wufei's eyes met mine with a hellavua lotta meaning there. He'd heard my little confessional. Figured that he was trying to get me to repeat that shit to Heero before things went south. Give him the recording to hear my rambling. Maybe Wufei was trying to atone or something. He'd kept us apart for three years and God only knows what will happen after this. We could be bunking in a deep space prison detention facility. And orange jumpsuits? So not a good look on Shinigami.

If we didn't get Dallas and Roth or something, us disappearing was bad and whatever we did was unsanctioned and criminal. The morality of undercover work was always murky at best as you end up becoming something you're not in the process but now we wouldn't even be undercover officially. Now the whole morality shit was blown open. Anything was up for grabs. Rogue agents. Kinda sounded cool.

"I am going to work perimeter with Jenkiss. I would suggest you prepare."

We went to the room we'd been sharing, getting the Preventer go bags that had been provided for us and working quickly to work out what we needed to take from them. We'd travel light. No computers. No communication methods. That meant that we had to remove my chip. It was inevitable thing but I was leaving that until the last possible moment, you know. Should just borrow a jammer but then I'm a walking fuzz of messing with the technology around me – not good. Kinda obvious.

Then we were done and we were stood in this room and all that was left to put on street clothes and knock doc, Jenkiss and Knowles out. Oh, yeah and Wufei. Think we should do a game of rock, paper, scissors to see who's gonna end up with a pissed off Wufei at the end of this mission. I was hoping it wasn't me. I'm sure he could kick my ass.

"We're gonna look like the bad guys," I said.

"You said when we first met that I was the bad guy."

I approached him and gently put my arm round his waist. "Yeah but I shot you. Twice. Kinda made me the bad guy. Plus now I got the tatts and the attitude. I so look like the bad guy."

He gave me this little smirk and I decide to kiss it off him. And like that I'm trying to jump into his skin and I'm trying to show him what I said in that goddamn medication closet because I'm shitty at emotions and I'm not ready to say things but I need him to know but I'm outta words.

We bump back onto the single bed and he falls first and I'm on top of him and I'm removing that sweatshirt that's far too big for me and his fingers run over my bruises and I realise he feels bad so I lean down and my lips are on his neck and then I'm impatiently trying to get rid of the tank top.

"Duo."

I don't stop. I don't whether he wants me to – his voice is strained and I'm not sure what he wants but I'm trailing lips and tongue down his chest and I'm trying to be emotionally competent and all but I just can't do it right now so this is what I'm gonna do. I grind my hips against his and I get the tiniest little gasp from his lips so I continue. Heero's is not vocal in bed. Never was – never has been but I know those little moans, those little gasps and I know that he wants me – wants this. I remove that tank top carefully and he tries not to wince as it goes over his shoulders and his back.

"'Ro?"

He sits up and I realise it probably hurts with that friction between the covers and that large gash down his back so I wrap myself around him. I'm taking control or as much as he lets me as I remove the rest of his clothes and then mine, the sweats fall to the floor and I almost feel like they make a clatter as they fall with that goddamn data disc in the pocket.

We don't have time. We never seem to, you know. I want to give him my full attention with lips and tongue and let him know how I feel but damnit, we have to be outta here so we're gonna have to make do with hard and fast.

There's some prep but there's still pain as he slides into me and I try to be gentle as I ride him as we're both injured and both not entirely functioning. Broken still, I guess. I try to not to touch his back but I can't help touching his wounds and he can't help touching mine since we're both covered in them. His lips meet mine and my eyes are closed and it's too damn much. I move fast and he thrusts up to meet me and I realise we might be doing more than fucking as even though its kinda fast and frantic, there's just something about the way he's holding onto me and the way I'm holding onto him. And then his hands are hard on my hips stopping me from moving and I'm so fucking close that I want to protest but he's stopping and he reaches out and touches my face and I move away some of his hair from his eyes and we're really looking at each other.

"Don't do that to me again," he said, a hand trailing down to my chest where I'm black and blue.

I don't need an explanation as I look into those eyes. Don't nearly die again. Don't leave him.

"I'm not dead. I'm here. I promised, you know."

His hand trails further and he strokes slowly and I move again and then it's every man for himself. He has a hand in my hair and another is jerking me off so I'm pretty much incoherent as I slam down in some kinda rhythm and his lips are on my neck and then we're both there and he's coming hard into me and I'm coming between us and we twitch and moan and hold onto each other tight.

There's that second of aftershock and this time I'm not running away from him – not pretending we're fuck buddies and then there's the moment of sticky realisation. Ugh.

"We need to clean up and get outta here."

His hand reaches for my non-tattooed arm and he kisses the slight bump from the communication chip.

"And that."

He nods and I move using the ugly ass and big Preventer sweatshirt to get rid of some of the cum off me and throw it across to him. And like that we switch back into mission mode.

Showers. Get dressed in the clothes the Preventers have provided us with. Remove the chip – I let him use a small blade between the fake skin and my skin and let him bandage me up. I don't feel like bitching about it this time as my bodies a wreck anyway – a little more pain ain't doing anything. Then we're ready but know we've got the most interesting part of this to complete – knocking out Preventer agents and a certain Agent Chang.

I glance back at the room and see where I've left the sweats and decide to grab the data disk, securing it in the back pocket of my jeans before following him out of the room. For some reason, I look back kinda fondly on the crumpled bedding and the little break we had together in this mess of an undercover op and then I remember what we've got to do. And what's gonna happen next.

Rogue agents. Ready to look like the bad guys. Huh, sometimes I really miss being the hero.