Warnings: Swearing, yaoi, violence, general angst, possible OOCness (ages since I've written fanfiction so may be a little bit rusty) m/m sexual relations – limey/lemony, slight sap, Duo abuse

Pairings: 1x2 , 3x4, 5+2

Beta: Ellewrites

A/N: I did a lot of research about heart surgery recovery times and worked on the memory of my grandfather after his triple heart bypass but have not used much in this chapter - my feeling is that hopefully medical procedures will be better and/or different by the AC timeframe.

The song for this chapter is Runaway by Kanye West – though I am kinda thinking of the Silverstein cover… penultimate chapter. Only one more to go!

Chapter Twenty Three

Run Away from Me, Baby

That slow rhythmic beating thing signalled that I was alive and the heart monitor was doing that real annoying noise - chirp, pause, chirp, pause. Fucking irritating. I opened my eyes feeling the gumminess of being unconscious and blinked a few times – the world blurred and then started to come into some kinda focus rather than being the fun carnival mirror shit it first seemed.

I knew I was in the hospital, yeah, being that I'm so smart and all, as I knew there was a heart monitor and a soft bed and the cloudy haze of drugs and the knowledge that there were tubes in places I really really didn't want to think about and the glare-y whiteness. I could tell that there had been a breathing tube down my throat - that raw scratchy feeling remained but thankfully the damn thing had gone. I kinda felt like I remembered it being taken out but seemed like a half memory from a dream or something.

Looking around the room, I knew this was a nice hospital – real nice and I was in my own fancy private room. There was no one here which kinda was a relief. You know, I didn't want to come 'round and be chewed out straight away, wanted a couple moments. Just a few.

Seemed my return to consciousness was noted by someone – the increased heart rate or something as a nurse appeared in blue scrubs and I looked at her with the usual hostility I had towards medical staff. It was a look that said – what have you done to me and what the fuck are you planning on doing to me? Hospitals are not a good place for slightly unstable ex-terrorists being that we'd all done our time being poked and prodded – and so not in a fun way. Being incapacitated is something I do not like and I fight it tooth and nail – as I would do now if I weren't so darn sleepy.

The nurse is young, mid-twenties I guess, her blond hair pulled back off her face and a pair of square geeky black glasses covering his eyes. She smiles a little as she comes over to check the bags and tubes and monitors. Ugh. Hate the indignity of being hospitalised – after all the shit I've been through – this is the worse. Mainly because of my poor wounded pride.

Probably figuring how dry my mouth feels and how chapped my lips are, she grabs a glass of water with a straw and offers it to me, letting me take a few sips before setting it back down.

"I win the bet," she said, smiling.

She gets two blinks in response and nearly a "what the fuck" but then all that comes out is a "huh?" I remember being told not to swear in front of young ladies and here, I didn't – Sister Helen would be so proud.

"We had a bet between the nurses about your eye colour."

Out of all the things she said, I was not expecting that.

"I had blue."

"How much do you win?" I asked, finally able to create a coherent sentence against chapped lips and a dry throat.

"Thirty."

"Cool."

"I'd offer to share but I'm sure a Preventer like you earns more than a lowly nurse."

I give her a little smile. "You nurses must run outta entertainment."

"We do when the patient's comatose," she said with a little wink. "I'm just going to change your IV."

I just lay my head back down fully into the softness of the pillows as holding a conversation seemed a little tricky right now as I'm totally weak and feel like I've been run over by a fucking Leo. I scan the room from my reclining position and I can see one Preventer jacket slung over a chair, old cardboard coffee cups and a few different newspapers all laid out. Someone at least was still around and the Preventer jacket made it evident which of the four people who'd actually stick around my unconscious ass was still in the hospital. Huh. He must have got a new one – I can't imagine there is a dry cleaner good enough to get out all my damn blood outta the one I borrowed.

"All done," she said cheerily. Probably happy about her thirty bucks. She saw my eyes drifting around the room – nurse was perceptive. "Ah… you want to know where ponytail or scary eyes are…"

I couldn't help the little chuckle though it damn hurt. "Ponytail and scary eyes?"

"Your two watchdogs."

Made sense. Heero and Wufei would be the ones to stick around the hospital, both partially feeling responsible to watch over my sorry carcass as they had some responsibility for the mission and me being here. But really, they didn't. They could never stop me from being, well, me.

"Where are they now?"

"Ponytail went for coffee. Scary eyes got sent to a hotel after staying here on watch every moment since you came out of surgery three days ago."

The words took a moment to process. Heero at a hotel made my stomach sink a little – I wanted to see him, like now, and that probably wasn't going to happen until I got chewed out by 'Fei. Zippe-de-fucking-do-dah.

"Three days?"

"You had a heart attack after taking a shot to the shoulder and your heart stopped beating. You had a pacemaker fitted."

A pacemaker? Jesus. Old dudes had pacemakers. Howard was gonna end up with a pacemaker one day as the Sweeper food sucked and was covered in grease and he liked old whisky too much. Me? No way. Doesn't make sense.

"I'm nineteen," I said, lamely.

Yeah, I'm nineteen and I so shouldn't have needed to have major heart surgery and have something small implanted into my damn heart to keep it beating but oh, yeah, I took some drugs and fucked myself up so, yeah, really had no argument for it.

"And you had a heart attack."

Damn. "And does that mean I have to live a life without junk food and booze and just, you know, fun?"

She gave a little laugh. "You'll have to ask the doctor that one."

The sound of approaching feet disturbs our little chat and the nurse turns to see one of my watchdogs. I think of keeping her in the room – using her as a human shield and protection against the onslaught I'm expecting – against a tirade of anger and annoyance and "what the hell were you thinking, Maxwell?" I want to grab the nurse by the wrist and beg her to stay so I do not have to talk to Wufei Chang right now but she starts to leave as his intimidation skills know no bounds.

"What's your name?" I asked, stalling her for like a few seconds.

"Oh, I'm Cassie, I'm on day shift."

"I'm Duo."

"Nice to meet you, Duo," she said, winking at me.

She manages a sort of sexy sashay with her hips even in those unattractive nurse scrubs but that leaves me alone. And vulnerable. And unable to move. Fuck.

"Flirting with the nursing staff, Maxwell?"

"Passes the time, you know."

"Yuy may not view it so kindly."

"Yeah but he's the jealous type."

He walked over to the chair with the Preventer jacket on the back of it and took a seat. He looks damn tired, his arm still being held awkwardly despite not being in a sling anymore. I know I'm not a picture of health so I cut him some slack.

"How do you feel?" 'Fei asked.

"Like I've had a heart attack."

"Good since that's what happened."

"Are you pissed?"

"Pissed?"

"Yeah, pissed."

"Pissed is a bit mild. I'm angry. Yuy's angry. Barton and Winner are angry. Une's angry. You be glad you nearly died otherwise one or all of us may have killed you for your stupidity and recklessness."

"So Heero is…"

"Very angry with you…" his severe expression lightened ever so slightly. "But glad you are alive as we all are."

I had a little moment of "phew," maybe he'll forgive me, you know, for knocking him out and taking enough pills to stop my heart from working since I'm hooked up to god knows what – see I'm paying for my sins.

"The virus?"

"Contained."

"Preventer causalities?"

A hand went to the bridge of his nose and he glanced down at his own lap. He looked weary. Guess all that responsibility and shit made him feel old or something.

"Eighteen. A series of rigged explosions were placed at strategic points that exploded and killed agents. There were some injuries taking down the more… determined gang members. I believe you saw a few casualties yourself."

"Yeah," I said, remembering bloody corpses. "You get all the gang?"

"Some are dead, Dallas, one of the twins, some of the less experienced ones… others alive and were processed accordingly."

"Zee?"

"Dead. Yuy's methods are… flawless."

I nodded but knew that the statement was loaded. I wanted to talk to Heero – that was the coldest I'd seen him since… since the damn war and to be honest, it scared me. I didn't tell 'Fei. Didn't think he needed that bit of intel.

"Roth?"

"We lost him. We have no trace."

That thought was even more unsettling than thinking of cold, mission-centred Heero. We killed his little girl and I really don't think he's the kinda guy to let that go… I unconsciously shivered and felt the movement pull and tug at every wound and the gnawing pain in my chest. I'd done everything – given damn near everything and technically this was still a mission fail. I felt totally and utterly useless.

"Damn," I said, a weird unfamiliar sensation in my eyes. I was blaming the drugs and the fucking trauma of the last few days at the sudden filling of emotional crap and the sudden feeling of utter hopelessness.

It shocked me when I felt a hand on mine. "You did everything I could have asked of you. Quatre would be dead without your actions."

"Yeah but we didn't get Roth. We just killed his kid."

It just didn't sit right with me. Zee wasn't really the enemy. Just a fucked up chick with daddy issues.

"It was the right action at the time – it is all you can do."

His hand was still there and I looked from it, up to his eyes. The words caught in my throat. He'd been good to me, more than that, he'd had faith in me and saved me from myself. But… you know, I couldn't help the way I felt. He wasn't Heero. That's all it was.

"You know… in a different time and place," I said, finally.

I could say so much more than that – I should say so much more than that. Tell him that I'm a jerk and I didn't mean to ever make him feel that there could be something more between us but damn, I had nothing.

"I know," he said heavily. "I will always do the honourable thing by you."

His leant over me, his lips pressing against my forehead, I raised my uninjured arm to his face and held his cheek for a second. "You know we have a lot to work out, me and Heero, but you were the one who had faith in me. You'll always be important to me, you know."

He stood upright, his emotions under control once again, arms across his chest. "I understand… I see what Quatre always saw, you are the same – reckless, stupid, arrogant, fearless and loyal. You belong together."

I really don't know whether that is a compliment or not. I kinda think that it isn't but, hell, I'll take it as one in the current situation.

"Thanks 'Fei, for everything."

"I'll let you rest. I'll be here to debrief you in a few days with a Preventer psychologist."

I scowled. "I'll look forward to it," I said with all the sarcasm I could manage.

The hospital stay was as expected, I saw doctors who told me new limitations but that the pacemaker was the best damn piece of medical shit that could be bought – I wondered vaguely whether it was a Winner purchase or a Preventer one. I had to take it easy. It was humiliating being instructed about recuperation time and then told about things I shouldn't do and things I shouldn't eat and that I shouldn't have sex until I can walk fast without feeling the stinging sensation in my chest. I suppose, I had to take this like a fucking man – had to deal with the fact it was all my damn fault and listen to the docs for a change. They said six months is what they usually expect for someone to make a full recovery but, I guess, due to my young age and the fact I was generally, okay, not all the time, pretty physically fit that my recovery time might be shorter. Whatever, I had a lifetime of check-ups and a lifetime of a wicked scar down my chest and I just had to deal with it.

And I was. The one thing I wasn't dealing with was the total avoidance by Heero. Oh, yeah, he came to the hospital but it seemed reminiscent of that time after the Eve War all those years ago. I knew he was around. His scent lingered. His jacket would be there at times. And damn, I knew he was watching me if I shifted in my sleep but he was not here when I was conscious and I sure as hell didn't know how to take it. I was planning on taking it like a bitch and think that he was somehow regretting this – us, whatever was going on between us.

I thought about my own reactions when he was hospitalised. I avoided. I didn't deal. I was at the hospital but I didn't see him except when he was asleep. I just… I just couldn't see him like that. All those bandages, all that vulnerability – I didn't want a weak Heero, I wanted the super fucking star. I wondered if that was it for him. Hell, I never knew what went on in that thick skull and pretty much figured I never would so I just dealt. If he doesn't want me, if he realises I'm not worth the shit and the effort, if he wants to run away, I'd say it's the wisest move he could make, you know. Make his life a shitload easier if all this… was nothing.

I'd been allowed to be depressed for too long. Allowed to wallow in the hospital bed and gently begin to move around the room – began to have tubes removed and hallu-fucking-luia, allowed to use the bathroom and still he didn't show. Wufei was around. Quatre was around. Trowa even visited without Quatre and we sat for half an hour not talking – I couldn't hold up a one sided conversation and he just read one of the magazines that got left behind. I'd been debriefed, I'd officially announced my intention to retire – seriously, maybe I am an old dude in a young guy's body – retired and a pacemaker. And he still didn't stick around when I woke up.

Guess it took the usual Quatre intervention as he was in the damn doorway – all pale jeans and mussed hair and searching eyes. A duffle at his side. I didn't speak as he entered the room – wanted to say something sarcastic – wanted to make him feel guilty for taking this long to visit me when I was actually awake but he just walked over and dropped the duffle.

"Civilian clothes."

I'm about to do something that will make my doctors fucking pissed. I seriously want to do something strenuous, I want to grab him or punch him or just slam his face against a wall. Yeah, I wanted to do so much but I just look at him, mouth open and totally not getting this.

"I thought you'd want to get out."

"I'm recovering," I said, being stubborn. Oh yeah, he's arrived and dangling the one thing I would do anything for right now – freedom. From nurses, from blood samples, from indignity and physio appointments and I'm folding my arms across my chest and being generally pissy.

"Your chart says you're sufficiently recovered to move and recuperate outside a medical facility."

"You read my chart but you don't stick around to fucking talk to me."

"I didn't know what to say. You're easier to deal with when unconscious."

That kinda leaves me speechless. I cannot figure out if it's a joke or sincere. I could take it either way – because damn, I am probably so much easier to deal with unconscious as I'm quiet. No fighting back. Nothing confusing. If it's a joke then it's sorta cruel.

"Guess so."

"I heard the recording."

I nodded and avoided those piercing eyes. Declarations of love made while terrified I was about to die choking on my own blood – I now sure as hell didn't know what to say as this whole thing confused the hell outta me. I knew I felt something, I knew I needed him but the love thing was fucking scary and I hated how much of a pussy I was about it. I could say it again - say I think I loved him but, hell, I really didn't know what it meant and I didn't know if that's what he wanted.

"Yeah," I said, croakily.

He stepped further forward and his fingers reached out to my chest. The loose hospital gown meant that there was plenty of skin showing so that he pushed the material down to see the new scar – straight, stitched and still fresh looking.

"You should've died."

"I didn't."

His fingers touch the scarred flesh and his eyes are focused on the wound rather than my face. I can't read his expression.

"Do you hate me?" I asked, quietly, as fingertips touched it.

"No."

"I just thought you wouldn't let me go alone."

"It was stupid."

"Yeah… I kinda worked that out. I'm the one with the pacemaker."

It's a lame attempt at a joke. His expression doesn't change as his fingers drift to the other wounds, new scars from glass, from the bullet wound and I think of him pushing his hand down and stopping the bleeding. And him lifting my skinny ass and moving me. Saving me. I reached up and touched his jaw and that forced his eyes from where his fingers touched and to my face.

"This is where I apologise."

"That's not sorry."

"It's near as you're gonna get, Yuy, so suck it up. I don't regret shit. I did what I felt I had to."

The words were on the tip of my tongue. You never apologised for L3 X-18999. You never apologised for self-destructing. You never apologised for any of that heroic shit that nearly gave me a fucking heart attack. Oh, the irony when you've actually had one. We truly were some kinda match – not made in heaven or anything, made outta stubbornness and recklessness and a streak of self-sacrifice a mile long. I was not gonna apologise for who I am – never have to anybody and I will not do it to him. He can take me as I am, take all the shit or walk away.

"You have the choice, Heero. This is the last exit before it takes off or something. Run away from me."

He silences me, leaning down, my hand slips round the back of his head from his cheek and it's a gentle kiss. Hell, more gentle than we've ever managed. Maybe he's convinced I'll break as his lips touch mine and a tongue darts across my chapped lips. I open my mouth a little more, use his hair to pull on the back of his head indicating that I don't want to be treated like I'm made of glass – injured or not. He responds and I feel his hand move from the wound above my heart and down the sides of the thin hospital gown. I let him dominate, let his tongue twine with my own but let him control the intensity and let his hands roughly touch down my ribs, abs… lower. I'm fucking glad I'm not hooked up to a heart monitor as I feel the quickening of my pulse and the increase of my heart rate and as much as I want – damn I want – I pull back.

His kiss leaves me goddamn breathless. I'm like some fainting chick in an old book.

"You were meant to be breaking me outta here."

I want to make a joke about breaking outta hospitals, finally he's returning the favour after all these years, but I don't – instead, I get dressed and try not to be as stubborn and let him help me into clothes.

"We gotta a ride?"

"Yeah."

"I need to go somewhere first."

The break out ain't as dramatic – no jumping outta windows, instead, Heero instructs my Preventer guards that I'm going to the cafeteria and as I'm with him they don't doubt it. There was an intimidation factor to Heero Yuy and hell, the guards had figured out in the first few days who they were guarding. It didn't help that all five of us were around in various combinations and I had 24 hour security. Even with mine and Heero's records and identities expunged, a few smarter than the average agents had worked out that we were the five famous Gundam pilots. So when we walk past them, they kinda just let it ride – we'd timed it to the nurses' change of shift and we were in the elevator before anybody thought twice. We were outta the hospital before the alarm could get raised and I was sat in the passenger side of a rental car before any shit hit the fan.

The drive is short and Heero looks at me puzzled as he pulls the car up. I get out and look up at the fake sunlight, that bright fake sunlight and over the Conference Centre that looks like it always did. Broken glass and bullet holes and explosion burn patterns all gone. That's progress for you.

He follows as I walk towards the stone in Monument Park, the same business types milling around the green area – coffee breaks or smoke breaks or whatever. I think that we should just be gone already, that we should be at the shuttle port before the Preventers attempt to find us but Heero has already purchased tickets and scrambled data that would link it to us. He's already fucked with the facial recognition software – all counter measures for getting off L2 without being caught. Didn't want to deal with the consequences – just needed to be gone and didn't need the Preventer shit.

The stone looked like I remembered when I was here with Dallas. The words in sharp relief against the greyness.

The silent and nameless victims.

Solo. I'm sorry, buddy. Didn't get Roth this time but just wait…

His hand is on my shoulder, a light touch that says nothing about intimacy to normal people but everything to us. Heero never used to be someone who did unnecessary physical touching. I always thought during those first few fucks he was trying to maintain as little contact with me as possible, pulling out in a wham-bam-thank-you-mam kinda way straight afterwards, always backed away from kissing in those early days. You've come a long way, baby, I thought. I leaned a little back into him.

"Everyone I knew died. They got the virus. We were only, like, six, seven or something. Kids, you know. Couldn't afford the vaccine. Didn't matter if we died. Solo was, like, my idol. Died coughing up his own blood. And I thought… it was my fault. Didn't get the vaccination in time, you know."

I turned into him and his lips brush mine not giving a damn about the public setting. I suck at saying what I mean but I hope he gets it – this is why I did what I did. This was my revenge.

"Get me off this colony, 'Ro. Too many fucking memories."