Washed Up

A/N: Momo and Ryoma talk! Revealing Ryoma's abusive ex backstory, which sadly doesn't come much into play.

Authors: Celianna (Momo) & Gottis (Ryoma)

Rating: T

Events leading up to this log:
- Ryoma still has a fever, but is slowly getting better
- Momo and Kaidoh continue to work on the new hut

Date: September 10, 2012

Momoshiro had been sitting next to the lifeless body of Echizen Ryoma for a while now. It had been about five days since Echizen was up and about, and healthy looking too. Not that he spent every waking moment next to the younger man; Momoshiro had been keeping himself busy building a new shelter for the brat, as well as Kaidoh's younger brother. Because one thing was certain; he didn't want anyone hurt anymore.

Which also meant that Momoshiro had gotten over his childish cold shoulder treatment of Echizen. Yes, what the brat had done had hurt him, like, a lot, but ignoring him was probably even worse. And when the storm had hit, Momoshiro just didn't wanted things to end like this. What if Echizen had died, and he hadn't ever made amends with him? That would probably be the suckiest thing on earth. Not that he wanted Echizen to die, of course. He'd rather have him alive, healthy and not doing stupid things behind his back.

But all of it didn't matter to Momoshiro anymore; Echizen was sick with a fever and he had to take care of him. The fever seemed to break last night, and Momoshiro had been by his side ever since, waiting for him to wake up.

He did fell asleep, once or twice … Momoshiro had been pretty tired because of this whole ordeal. At least the new home he built for Echizen was going to be done today, it just needed a thorough inspection to make sure it was safe. After all, Momoshiro wasn't going to send Echizen to sleep underneath a roof that could crush him. The thought alone gave him chills.

Momoshiro pushed his elbow against Echizen's sleeping arm, to check if he was awake.

"Mm...?" Ryoma stirred, breath still hot and uncomfortable as it hit the blanket that covered him, head to toe. He shifted a little, and the pain in his ankle pushed the sleeping haze away, helping him as he pushed the blanket away. Squinting at the sudden light, he turned to face Momoshiro. "... What?"

"Morning, squirt. How's the ankle?" Momoshiro asked. It was best to just do away with all that weirdness and awkwardness they had going on between them, and go straight down to business.

"Hurts like shit. But..." He sat up and gingerly touched said ankle. It didn't feel quite as stiff and it wasn't burning up. "I think the infection's going down." The stench of pus-infected flesh had diminished at least. If Yagyuu hadn't come around, he wasn't sure how things would have gone. "So... It's better."

"That's good. Looked like you were gonna die, what with moaning in your sleep and all." Momoshiro had not slept well because of that, it was sort of ghastly. "At least you're alive. Foot attached still, heh."

"I don't moan," Ryoma objected with an energy he didn't quite possess just yet. He gave a weak grin that passed over his lips for a moment or two, before he relaxed back against the blankets. "... I just hope no-one has to pour hydrogen peroxide into the wounds again. That just sucked." On the other hand, it had helped. But that didn't mean he had to like it.

"I don't even know what the hell that is, but I guess it worked," said Momoshiro. He wasn't one to remember all these chemical names, the only thing he knew was that air was H3O, or something like that.

"Need something to drink?" Momoshiro offered. There were clean water bottles in his reach next to him.

Ryoma nodded.

Momoshiro leaned over to grab a bottle, then flopped it into Echizen's lap. "Don't like, die of thirst, or something. Or die of anything for that matter. Yeah." This was actually still kind of awkward. Momoshiro felt like apologizing for being a dumb oaf, but on the other, hand, he didn't know where to start—and it wasn't like Echizen was innocent in this matter as well!

But he did missed him, and Momoshiro really just wanted his best friend back. "So, uhm," he started, looking down at the hands in his lap, feeling nervous all of the sudden.

Ryoma grabbed the bottle and put it to his mouth, greedily emptying more than half of it in one go... and of course he ended up coughing his lungs out for a moment after that. As he calmed down, and had wiped his eyes for the tears that had forced themselves up there, he glanced at Momoshiro. "So...? … Yeah. Look, I..." He didn't know how to continue, so he simply shut himself up.

Momoshiro didn't know how to continue either. It was sort of hard to put it into words, and if he did put it into words, it all seemed a lot worse. All that ignoring, all those comments, all those childish antics. Momoshiro wasn't exactly proud of them, and he didn't want to talk about it either. He looked over at Echizen, hands still in his lap, feeling shifty and anxious.

"Me and Kaidoh are building a stronger hut for you, you know," said Momoshiro. It's a change of subject, but it's better than sitting there not saying a word. "One that won't collapse … still really sorry about that."

The younger boy shrugged. "You don't control the weather. Nothing to be sorry about." He paused. "... But... Thanks. I guess."

"Yeah …" Back to silence again. He nudged Echizen's side. "That Hazue boy, he's been completely freaked out about your injury, even worse than me," he said. "Did you do something weird to him to make him act like that?" Momoshiro chuckled a bit.

Ryoma was about to say that he had been pretty freaked out himself, or probably would have been, had he been more lucid... But Momoshiro's last comment made him stare into the wall, a frown over his face. "What, like kiss him or something? Don't worry, that's not something I do very often. Hazue's safe from the gay bug, I promise."

Momoshiro pulled his eyebrows into a frown, and his lips were shut tightly. What kind of comment was that? "That wasn't what I meant," he said, sounding a bit agitated.

"Then what did you mean?" Ryoma sighed, forcing himself to calm down. Somehow he got on an edge as easily as breathing around Momoshiro... And that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't exactly have the energy to get upset in the first place. So stupid...

"Never mind," Momoshiro easily dismissed it. "Just … wondering … what you were doing during all … that. And stuff."

"All what? After the storm? I was busy being kind of unconscious. If you mean before that... I don't know. Something? Like, you know... Nursing a broken heart? Watching you hang out with Kaidoh like you're connected by some god damn lifeline? Hell if I know." He tried to sound angry, he really did, but he could hear himself just how small and miserable and pathetic he came off as.

"Jesus, Ryoma, can't you lay off of Kaidoh? God, it's like anything I'll do with anyone will get on your bad side." Momoshiro couldn't help but feel angry, like he's done something wrong. But he hasn't! It wasn't like there was a proper way to act towards someone suddenly kissing you and confessing they liked you. Momoshiro didn't know what to do.

"It's not like I'm doing this on purpose, pissing you off, or hurting you, or whatnot. I don't know what to do with you!" Momoshiro suddenly lashed out. Fuck. This was not how this was supposed to go.

"Okay, well, don't do anything, then! Just leave me alone, you've done a damn good job at it so far, haven't you? I mean... I..." He had to stop himself, as he realized to his own horror that he was crying. He was. Echizen Ryoma. Later, he'd chalk it up to the fever and utter exhaustion, but as it was now, he couldn't even make up any excuses. He simply rolled over onto his side and hid underneath the blankets.

"Shit, can't do anything right …" Momoshiro pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on them. He felt so drained, this was exhausting. What the hell was he supposed to do? How could he fix this? How could he make Echizen not feel the way he did? Maybe it was just better to hate him after all …

"I didn't want to, you know. Ugh, I'm sorry for that, okay? I'm an idiot, and sometimes I do dumb stuff like that, and I really didn't like what you did, and I still don't like the way you talk about Kaidoh as if he's got anything to do with this, because it's really just all my fault." It wasn't like there was some kind of switch Momoshiro could flip, and then he'd suddenly be gay, and he could return Echizen's feelings. Life doesn't work like that, and he didn't either.

But that didn't mean Momoshiro wanted to stop talking to Echizen completely. He still wanted to be his friend. He didn't want to hear mean comments behind his back, or hearing about stupid pranks, or being guilted for rejecting him. He just wanted to spend some fun times with Echizen again. And it was fun, wasn't it?

"Or I guess it's your fault," Momoshiro snorted, a hint of sarcasm in his tone. "Or maybe mine, since I don't listen. But whatever, it happened. And you're here now, with a busted ankle. And I came back for you, didn't I? I can't leave you alone for real …"

He could hear the hurt in Momoshiro's voice, could hear his attempts at brightening the situation, and each and every thing Momoshiro said caused him to cry even more; from guilt, from simply being miserable, from empathy... He couldn't make sense of it. All he could do, was allow his jealousy to speak up for him, but there was no power behind his words, and they were half choked out by sobs as it were anyway. "... But you like being with him, don't you?"

"Yeah, so? I like being with you too. Or anyone that doesn't call me a moron, really."

"You make him stuff," Ryoma sniffled. "And... talk to him. A lot. And you're just angry with me and I'm a huge ass and..." There he had to cut himself off, or rather, a new flood of sobs cut him off. He wished he could sink through the bed and through the floor and never resurface. That would probably be for the best.

Momoshiro sighed, his shoulders felt heavy, and his stomach was twisting into knots. Having Echizen sob next to him was seriously making him feel bad.

"It's got nothing to do with … come on ... stop crying, you're gonna make me cry as well!" Momoshiro was trying hard not to, he already felt pathetic, he didn't want to show it with a snotty nose as well. He scooted over closer to Echizen and threw an arm around the trembling body.

"I like you, you know. A lot. No … not like that, but come on … I can't just … I'm sorry, okay?" Momoshiro didn't really know what the hell he was saying, but he was sure Echizen could only hear half of it anyway. He started stroking Echizen's shoulder, trying to get him to stop crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I..." But he couldn't get himself to stop crying. It was like all the hurt that had festered inside him for the past month or so came spewing out from unknown depths inside him, and it turned him into this ugly, blubbering mess. "Damn it, don't be so fucking kind, I..." He didn't know how to handle it. In some paradox way it was easier to handle an angry Momoshiro. A hurt Momoshiro. Anything but kindness, he didn't know how to counter that right now. Suddenly, however, he was made aware of something else. Momoshiro's hand on him. On his shoulder. Not on a safe place, like his head or arm or anything. His shoulder was close to his back, and his back led down to... Right. He stiffened, mumbling into the pillow:

"... Not there. My hair. Can you... mess with my hair? That's better."

Momoshiro wordlessly shifted his hand from Echizen's shoulder to his head, padding his fingertips against his scalp, and making soothing and stroking movements through the very long hair. He didn't say anything else. What was there to say? He felt like actions spoke much louder than words anyway, so he did as he was told; touched Echizen's hair. He always liked doing that anyway. It was a little therapeutic too, it calmed him down a bit, he wasn't raging with hurt anymore. Or any other negative feeling. He just hoped Echizen would stop crying, because his own eyes were tearing up just the slightest.

Momoshiro massaging his scalp was therapeutic to Ryoma as well, and slowly his sobs subdued into quiet sniffles and his breathing eased out considerably. After what seemed like an eon of silence, he mumbled:

"I... I've missed you. Like... A lot. Totally."

"Yeah," Momoshiro agreed. "Me too." He wanted to add; let's be friends again? But the words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't get them out, he could only brush his fingers through the dark green locks of hair. He also wanted to say sorry one more time, but it was starting to feel so redundant, he's said it enough already.

"Promise I won't ignore you like a stupid kid, if you won't gossip," said Momoshiro, trying to make light of the situation.

Ryoma turned his head ever so slightly so that he could catch a glimpse of Momoshiro's eyes. "Promise. But... C-can I tell you something?" It was now or never, he figured, because he wouldn't be able to bring it up to Momoshiro at some later point, his pride would get in the way. Right now, his pride had definitely taken the backseat. "It's about... About why I don't want you to touch me just... Like, you know. Everywhere. It's not just that I like like you. But... Uh. I mean, if you don't wanna hear, it's okay too."

Momoshiro pulled his hand away as if lightning struck him. He held it up, as if he was being pointed at with a gun, feeling like he did something wrong. "Oh, uh, s-sorry … uhm .. Okay, I'll listen to you from now on. Won't touch you."

"Oh, come on!" Ryoma reached up and grabbed Momoshiro's hand, trying to pull it back down to his head. "I said that the head's okay, didn't I? And it's not what I was trying to say. Just... No, forget it. Doesn't matter."

Instead Momoshiro placed his hand down on Echizen's shoulder once more, steadying him, as if to calm him down. "Well you get kind of really confusing sometimes," Momoshiro grumbled. "But what is it, don't just say forget it now … did I do something again?" He looked at Echizen, trying gauge his motivations for saying such things. "Someone else ... ?" he asked instead.

"Yeah, I'm sorry... I..." He paused, licking his lips nervously. "Not you. You're right. Someone else. He... You know... My boyfriend? Ex -boyfriend? He touched me. And hey, we were together, so no big deal, right? But..." Ryoma looked away. "He'd tell me shit. That I was this or that and totally worthless and shit, right? And he'd hit me, and then... I mean, he... He wasn't like you. He never stopped, even when I told him to, you know? And I just... No, I don't know." He wasn't sure how to continue, so he simply shut himself up.

Momoshiro felt a bit numb. Huh? "Huh?" he echoed his thoughts. "Hit ... like a bad hit, or a friendly hit?"

"Bad hit. Definitely bad hit." Ryoma stared down at his hands, which were curled up into fists in his lap.

"What a piece of shit," was Momoshiro's first quick reaction. "I'll kill him," was his second reaction. "When did this happen? How long? And why didn't you …" Do something? Run away perhaps? "And hey, what the hell, you were still attached to those stupid texts he sent you. What's going on with you … ?" Momoshiro felt really confused right now. What the hell happened to Echizen Ryoma?

"I deserved it. So I didn't do anything. I mean, Donny said I did, so..." Distance in both time and space did wonders. As did spending time with people who really cared about you. Ryoma took a deep breath and finally voiced something that had been lingering in the back of his head for months upon months. "He manipulated me. And I still don't get how that happened, but... Yeah. I don't know what's going on with me either. He still manage to... I don't know. I still feel he's the best I could ever get. And I hate feeling like that. I really do, but..."

Momoshiro snorted. "Well I'm definitely tons better than that asshole." Not that he should be saying that in this kind of situation … "So like, you stayed with him? All this time? Even though … he'd hurt you?" Momoshiro wasn't the best person to judge whether or not fighting was healthy in a relationship, because he always got into fights with Kaidoh, and he was fine with those.

"Yeah. Because he made me believe he was the best one out there for someone like me." He pulled up his good leg to his chest, resting his brow against the knee. "I mean... I'm selfish and rude and unpleasant and like, totally need someone to pick me down to Earth, you know?" Even as he spoke the words, he could hear Donny's voice ringing in his head, saying the exact same things. The words definitely left a sour taste in his mouth. "But... Even I realize that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. But... I've only realized that recently. I really believed that I had it coming, you know?"

"Well that's pretty stupid then," said Momoshiro. He wasn't the best with words, and could be blunt to the point of simply being a rude jackass, but he didn't know any better. Hearing from Echizen that someone was literally hitting on him all this time? It got under his skin.

"Like what the hell have you done to deserve being hit? I mean, I get into fights with Kaidoh and all, and damn it hurts, but ... I don't think that's the kind you're talking about. That seems scary actually." And now Momoshiro was starting to realize why Echizen didn't like him touching him. It also felt a little insulting—just a bit—because it's not like Momoshiro would ever do that to him.

He ran the hand from Echizen's shoulder back up to his head, and brushed his fingers through it, to move it away from his eyes. "You're here now though. Sorry that … I wasn't there ... for so long. I won't do anything stupid like hit you though. Never. I don't get why anyone would want to. You're a cool dude. A brat, with a big snarky mouth, but still cool. Definitely doesn't deserve to be treated like that." He tried to smile at Echizen, but it was a bit hard on him, it's not everyday you get to hear stuff like this. It was sort of depressing.

"I know. I know, but..." Ryoma exhaled, feverish breath hot against his skin. "That's why I freaked out over you doing that hitting whatever-you-called-it with Eiji on the ship as well. And you still went through with it and I was really worried and I overreacted, I know, but that was why I wanted to do something to... I don't know. Get back at you because you worried me, so I thought of that prank, but... Then I changed my mind, but I'm still sorry. I... I am an ass. And you've saved me twice now. From the ship and from the shack, and all I fucking do is bitch and being an ungrateful dick and..." And oh, look at that. He was crying again.

"Yup, you pretty much were," Momoshiro agreed. But he ruffled up Echizen's hair anyway, this time giving him a better smile. "But I sort of like the way you are, just like that." He then coughed and averted his eyes towards the side. "I could do without the mean stuff behind my back. I swear, people think I treated you horrible or something!"

"Well, I thought so too. Or, at least... You came off as totally homophobic and that's damn hurtful. But... Yeah, I still overreacted. Damn... It's just... Words hurt. Your words have hurt me, and my words has hurt you and... We're big fucking idiots, both of us." He wiped his eyes. "... One question. If it's okay?" But he wasn't sure what kind of reply he expected from Momoshiro. The purple eyed man was simple, very simple at times. What he was going to ask might just pass right over his head... But he still had to ask. Felt like he couldn't avoid it.

"Yeah, sure, anything."

"... Right. Okay. Uhm... Do you think I'm dirty?" He paused. "And oh, don't reply with the first thing that comes to your mind, about sand or whatnot. Just... Think for a moment before you reply. Please."

"Uhh," Momoshiro staggers his words. Dirty? "I don't get it, what do you mean? Like having a potty mouth?"

Ryoma shook his head. "Like... Having Donny do... stuff. And not walk away. That kind of dirty. Do... Do you get it?"

No, Momoshiro didn't really get it, but it's not like he thought Echizen was 'dirty' on any kind of level. "Your cleanliness is unmatched," he said, finding his own words way too cheesy. "Meaning, uhh, no. Like why the hell would I."

Somehow, Ryoma managed a smile. He lay back down and closed his eyes. "That's... That's good to hear." Even though he was pretty certain parts of the conversation had gone straight over Momoshiro's head. It didn't matter. Simply hearing the positive words were good enough. "I'm gonna go back to sleep now. If it's okay."

"Yeah … sure … I'll be here. Touching your head. Because it's mine again." Momoshiro chuckled and once more messed up Echizen's hair. "Let's not ever do this again … 'kay? And I won't let anything like that happen to you again either. Ever. I'd be the worst friend on earth if I'd let that happen." And he was already a pretty crappy friend.

"Never again," Ryoma agreed. "And... My head was always yours. Just glad you reclaimed it." That sounded utterly stupid, but Ryoma was too spent to care. His breathing slowed and his hand, that had reached for Momoshiro's free hand, relaxed, falling back down against the bed as the longhaired boy drifted off to a date with the Sandman.

Momoshiro simply continued to sit against the wall, his hand moving across Echizen's head, even if he was already asleep. He had a lot of thoughts running through his mind, but one thing was for sure; no one was going to hurt Echizen, and that was going to start with himself. No more emotional fights anymore. Hopefully. And then not let anyone hurt him either.

Because he was Echizen Ryoma, he deserved the best, didn't he?

Momoshiro smiled and leaned his head onto his shoulder, and closed his eyes, drifting off into sleep as well. He ended up rolling his head onto Echizen's and drooling onto his hair. At least he was the first one to wake up though, and quickly rub it out.