Chapter 5
Beams of sunlight came flooding through the blinds in Catherine's bedroom lighting up the shadowy corners of the room. Jackie rubbed her eyes. Had she been dreaming again or was she really here, back in the bedroom of the woman she loved. Jackie was too scared to turn around to check if Catherine was there but after a few moments she did so, relieved that Catherine was indeed lying next to her, and last night was real. Catherine was still sleeping balled up on the other side of the bed, Jackie slid up behind her only wanting to take Catherine in her arms again but Catherine feeling Jackie's slight touch leapt out of bed "Jesus, what are you trying to do to me" Catherine blurted out her voice shrill with adrenaline "Sorry, I just wanted to be close to you" Jackie replied sounding hurt. Catherine looked at Jackie was staring right back at her adoringly, her face softened and she climbed back into bed, turning onto her side to face Jackie who did the same. "Catherine what happened" Jackie asked with real concern "I mean what happened to you after I left?" Jackie said taking Catherine's hand in her own. Catherine's head was spinning, 'should I tell her everything, some of it, do I tell her I love and hate her and that I hate myself for loving her' Catherine sighed before speaking her thoughts out loud "Jackie after you left and I finished at the university, my life became chaos, I hated myself for loving you" Catherine began "I tried everything I could think of to get you out of my head and my heart but all I ended up doing was destroying parts of myself" Catherine looked down, her hands were trembling, her heart was thumping, fear caused by her honesty was sweeping through her body, she took a deep breath before she continued "Every time I thought of you, saw you on TV or in the paper, I just got so angry and soon that was all that was left, so I drank, I partied hard, had countless one night stands and meaningless sex with total strangers to block out the rage or at least try to diminish some of it" Turning to look back at Jackie she added "I'm sorry Jackie this is probably not what you want to hear" Catherine looked into Jackie's eyes they looked upset and vulnerable. Jackie could fell her eyes burning, she never wanted to hurt Catherine this way, she worshipped this woman but had ultimately destroyed her by leaving. Then a little voice popped into her head 'She told you, you weren't worth it, she ended it not you' Jackie's eyes burned even hotter trying to hold back the tears "Are you still angry with me Catherine, do you hate me?" Please let the answer be no, Jackie's head pleaded "I could never truly hate you Jackie, the fact of matter is, my anger is at myself for letting myself fall in love with you, leaving myself open to the pain" Catherine replied wearily "I'm not sure I understand" Jackie said confused "When my parent's and my brother died, I lost faith in the power of love to conquer all and loving then losing them, I never felt so alone and betrayed, therefore if I didn't allow myself to love anyone, I could never be hurt like that again, but then you came into my life and turned it upside down and inside out, then I fell in love with you and that's when I panicked. So when you told everyone at that party that we were college buddies I saw it as my opportunity to get out" Catherine paused briefly to look at Jackie's face which seemed to show a multitude of emotions. "But the truth of the matter is that the damage had already been done, I loved you and you left and it was all my own doing. I'm so sorry Jackie" Catherine felt like crying but there were no tears. Jackie was trying to register everything that Catherine had just said but there was still something that needed a little more clarity, did Catherine still lover her and after everything that had happened, could they be together again now. Jackie reached over to tuck a few strands of hair covering Catherine's face behind her ear. Catherine's big brown eyes stared longingly into her own, Jackie reached down and kissed Catherine softly who kissed her back. Jackie pulled back, she needed an answer and she needed an answer now. "Catherine, I need to know, do you still love me, am I still different from the rest or am I just another one that needs to be forgotten" Catherine realised it was this moment right here right now she had to decide if she was going to let herself completely and whole heartedly love Jackie or maybe close herself off to love forever. Catherine closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she felt Jackie squeeze her hand like a frightened child on her first day of school, when Catherine opened her eyes again Jackie's eyes had filled with tears. Before she knew the answer in her head, her lips had already started moving "Yes I still love you Jackie, I will always love you, I just don't know what that means but I do know this right now, I'm glad you're here" and with that both women started crying as Jackie pulled Catherine close she whispered "I promise I will never walk away from you again Catherine, I love you with all of my heart". Catherine finally started to feel at ease with her own soul and knew it was all down to Jackie being here with her "I love you too" Catherine sobbed as Jackie took her face in her hands and kissed her deeply.