Washed Up

by Celianna

Five years later since they last spoke to one another, Momoshiro and Kaidoh meet up again under strange circumstances; washed up on an abandoned island. MomoKai. Roleplay.

40. Worst Christmas

Washed Up

A/N: the boys have finally been rescued from the island. We decided not to write out the rescue, and jump straight to when Momo and Kaidoh meet up again for the first time.

Authors: Celianna (Momo, Hazue) & Happiestwhen (Kaidoh)

Rating: T

Events leading up to this log:
- On December 17, a boat was spotted near the island, and rescued everyone on it
- By the next day, everyone was on a plane back to Japan. Momo and Kaidoh last spoke to one another on this plane
- Momo and Kaidoh have had no contact since their rescue, but have been bothered by a lot of reporters

Date: December 24, 2012

---

They had been rescued.

Oh yeah, they're off the island now.

It was December 17, when some people spotted a ship in the distance, and after making fire signals (actually, it was just setting a tree on fire), they made contact with the outside world for the first time in nine months. All the people who had been stuck on this island, were now finally rescued.

Everything happened in a blur—there was barely any time to celebrate, and they were already whisked away on the boat, quickly gathering whatever belongings they had with them at the time. Before Momoshiro knew it, he was on an airplane, sitting next to Kaidoh, going back home to Japan. It felt like a dream, nothing felt real to him, he was spacing out through most of it. He had barely said two words to Kaidoh, other than 'boat, rescue'. He had already said goodbye to Echizen, who stayed behind in America after the ship arrived at the dock. He can barely remember what he said to the little squirt.

Even now, Momoshiro can barely remember what happened during those two days he was on his way back to Japan. He remembers being questioned a lot, by reporters, and lots of blinding flashes in his face from the cameras. It was hard to realize this was reality. When he had been living the island life, away from civilization for so long, reality felt fake to him.

It was a huge story, broadcasted all around the world. The missing passengers of the cruise ship mysteriously showed up. When Momoshiro got back to Japan, he was greeted by a crowd of people cheering at them, holding signs that said 'welcome back' or 'we missed you'. There were news reporters everywhere, and even some people from some sort of charity, who were collecting money for the people who had been stranded. For the people whose lives were completely ruined.

Momoshiro is one of those people.

He had lost his apartment, that much was obvious after not living in it for nine months—but he also racked up quite a debt for not paying his rent. He'd been behind before he even left the place, now he's in so much debt, Momoshiro has no idea someone could be in debt that much. Before, everyone thought he was dead, and the debt was annulled. But since it was announced to the world he was alive after all, they made sure to let him know he has to pay back for the rent. His landlord is not happy with him, but he's certainly glad he wasn't dead, for obvious reasons.

His parents took his 'death' hard, during those months he was gone. Momoshiro tried his best not to think about what his family was doing, and how they were dealing with him being proclaimed dead. They were pretty broken up over it; his sister even cried for him. It was really awkward to come home to them, as they had built a shrine for him … which is gone now, but still. It was weird.

After that, Momoshiro felt like he didn't have anymore privacy, or a time to catch his breath. His parents were delighted he was alive, and yes, Momoshiro was happy to see them too, but it felt surreal. Each time he awoke in his futon (in his old bedroom), he thought he was still on the island, and needed to get up to catch some fish. It was hard to come to terms that he was back.

Island life had changed him more than he thought.

He hadn't even gotten a hamburger since he's been back.

Mostly he'd been avoiding interviews, and dealing with his parents who were helping him get rid of his debt. His parents decided to hire a lawyer, who said Momoshiro could get rich if he were to sue Atobe Enterprise for the crash, but it would take a few months for that to be settled. Until then, Momoshiro is staying with his parents, and living off of charity money he got from some sort of fund. He's barely had any time to himself, only going out a few times on his own (his parents insist on being with him at all times).

But it's suffocating. It's maddening. Momoshiro feels like this is not where he belongs, that this entire thing is wrong. Even having a good poop on a modern toilet for the first time in months, didn't cheer him up. Everything simply feels annoying and alienating. Even the lightswitch in his room bothers him. It feels extremely lonely. Lonelier than living on the island.

He hasn't had contact with anyone else on the island since they arrived back in Japan. Including Kaidoh.

Not a single message, not a phonecall—nothing. It's been nothing but white noise.

And that's something Momoshiro didn't want to happen. The time he spent on the island … the time they spent together, Momoshiro didn't want to go back to not knowing each other anymore. To act as if they were strangers, because they're not. Though what exactly they are, Momoshiro doesn't know either.

He's been thinking about him though, every night. Wondering what Kaidoh is doing, wondering how he's adjusting to his old life, and if he's thinking about him too. Thinking about the things they've done together.

It's all changed now … this is not the island life. Momoshiro doesn't know how to go back to how they were, since nothing is like the island. It's not how they were supposed to be, but somehow that's what they became on the island. But now they're back, and Momoshiro doesn't know if it's okay to be like that together anymore. He doesn't know a lot of things all of the sudden. He feels confused, annoyed, angry, lonely, and …

He really misses Kaidoh.

Yet he can't muster up the courage to look up Kaidoh's home number in the phonebook. Neither of them have any working cellphones (or maybe Kaidoh does, he just doesn't know), so that's out of the question as well. It's completely different from how they were; living together, each day being in constant contact with each other. And now, it's been thrown upside down—they haven't spoken or even seen each other since that fateful day.

What would Momoshiro say to Kaidoh anyway? On the island, it was okay, everything was okay … but back at home, it's different. What does he say? How does he act? Can they still act like that together? Or was the entire thing meant to stay behind on the island, just so they can resume their old lives when they got back? Momoshiro doesn't want to forget about it, he doesn't want to pretend it never happened. Something did happen, and that something has been on his mind ever since.

And he's been damn horny, too.

It's about time he faced it. For months he's been avoiding any kind of talk about it, and even in his mind he would refuse to think about it or analyze it. Words were evil, that's what he used to think.

Well, he still thinks words are evil, and when he tries to put anything into words, they get stuck in his throat, like someone's holding a knife up to it, threatening his life. That's how it feels like; that he's going to change his life forever if he does this. But he has to, Momoshiro has to take that step if he wants to change the way they are right now.

And the first step is to actually speak with Kaidoh. Momoshiro doesn't know what the second step is, but he figures he'll wing it. If he can even get the courage to go through with the first step, that is.

He's excited, yet extremely terrified at the prospect of seeing Kaidoh again. How does he act? Does he say hi? Or does he give him a manhug? Or does he just punch him in the face, because that's something they've always been doing to each other, but not as of late. Momoshiro can't remember the last time they had honestly fought with each other. Sure, there had been plenty of wrestling, and throwing each other down but … it made him happy. Everything they did together made Momoshiro happy. Some more than others.

So how does he act towards Kaidoh now? He certainly won't greet him with a kiss on the cheek. Just the mere thought of doing this in front of his family makes Momoshiro's blood turn cold. No way, never. But even in private, the thought makes Momoshiro uncomfortable. On the island, this was something he was getting used to; greeting Kaidoh with a kiss. He doesn't know if he's allowed to still do it now that they're back. Does he still want to? Does Kaidoh want him too?

There's too many questions, and not one of them is answered unless Momoshiro goes out and confronts Kaidoh. That first fearful step.

What if Kaidoh is okay being apart from each other like this? No—no. Momoshiro should stop thinking, and put those thoughts into action instead.

It takes a very long time for Momoshiro to find his balls and get the courage to see Kaidoh. Not to mention with how busy he is, and can barely find any time for himself, it's hard to find an appropriate time. He's even bought Kaidoh a present for Christmas, but now he's starting to doubt he'll even see him by then.

But as luck would have it, he finds an opportunity.

It is Christmas Eve, and his parents turn to him and ask; is there someone you want to spend the rest of the evening with?

Yes. A thousand times yes.

Momoshiro needs to get away from his family, and he needs to see Kaidoh. So he finally grows a pair of balls instead of finding them, and musters up all of his courage to get dressed, and step outside the door. It's dark, it's cold, it's actually snowing a little bit.

He quickly runs back into the house and paces around for several minutes, blushing fiercely (and it's not because of the cold), before his sister kicks him out of the house and locks the door. She's definitely grown into a much bigger brat since the last time he saw her. So now he's outside, it's freezing, and Momoshiro doesn't have a scarf or gloves, but a simple jacket, that isn't appropriate for winter either. It's not like he had a bunch of clothes waiting for him when he came back, people thought he was dead after all. It's such a stark difference to the pleasing temperature on the island.

Alright, he needs to go see Kaidoh.

Momoshiro steals his sister's bike (like hell will he walk), dumping the bag with the present in the front basket, and starts peddling away. It's been years since he'd last been to Kaidoh's house, but he still knows where it is. He takes several detours, trying to psych himself up, and mentally prepare himself for what might happen. And he doesn't know what will happen, and that's the scariest part of all.

It's funny how much his life changed.

After an hour of procrastinating and taking detours, Momoshiro finally arrives on Kaidoh's street. His fingers are blue and have turned into icicles, but it barely even registers on his busy mind. He pries them free from the handles as he comes to a standstill in front of Kaidoh's house. The light is still on, and it still looks exactly like it was those six years ago.

Momoshiro swallows, and rubs his hands, trying to regain some feeling in them. He locks his bike and takes out the bag from the basket.

He's never been more nervous in his life. His legs are shaking. From the cold, and from his nerves.

Is Kaidoh going to be home? Momoshiro knows he's obsessed with running, and in fact, knows for sure that Kaidoh runs on Christmas Eve, so he wonders if Kaidoh is even home.

There's a tiny part in him that hopes he's not, because he's too much of a chicken to speak to him after not seeing each other for a week.

But if not now, then when? It's all too easy to ignore each other, and to let this escalate into ignoring each other for years. Momoshiro doesn't want to be separated from Kaidoh like that. Not anymore. So he smacks his own face—which is cherry red—with his hands to wake himself up, and walks up to the front door, despite his legs feeling like jelly.

Oh god, please let him be able to ring the doorbell.

Momoshiro's shaky and frozen stiff finger lifts up to the doorbell. He hesitates. He's getting palpitation. His heart is beating a thousand miles per minute. He's feeling nausea, and is completely petrified at seeing Kaidoh again. He suddenly hears a door slam inside of the house, and it shakes him out of his daze, but does nothing to settle the turmoil inside of him. He bites his purple looking lips, shivering all over, and moves his finger closer to the doorbell.

Don't be home, don't be home.

Momoshiro closes his eyes and counts to three.

Kaidoh hasn't really felt like things have returned to normal either. His parents have spent every waking moment since their return smothering him and Hazue, fussing over them both, checking up on them, and his mother has been feeding Kaidoh relentlessly even though he's insisted countless times that he wasn't starving on the island.

He hasn't even really had time to return to a normal running schedule. His mother gives him worried looks whenever he heads for the front door with his sneakers and towel, like she thinks it's going to be the last time she'll see him, even if he's just going to run around the neighborhood. When she does let him go out, she insists he put on a hat and gloves and puffy down jacket.

It makes Kaidoh feel guilty, even though getting stuck on the island for so long was something totally out of his or Hazue's control, but he feels horrible that his parents were so worried. He can see it in the way they look at him and his brother over breakfast or dinner. They still haven't let go of that worry, and Kaidoh doesn't really know what to do or say to set their mind at ease.

In the few moments he gets to himself, his mind is still racing, doing all the running that his body isn't. Just mere days ago, he was waking up in a hut on a beach next to Momoshiro, of all people, but he hasn't talked to Momoshiro since they got back to Japan. Even though his house isn't that far off, it feels like a world away suddenly. It feels terrifying. Part of Kaidoh wishes he could somehow rewind time back to those moments where it was just the two of them and the rest of the world didn't matter, because now there's too much of the rest of the world surrounding him. It feels suffocating.

When his parents brought him home, his mother squeezed his hand and told him, "We kept your room just as you left it, and we'll do our best to help your life get back to the way you left it, too," but the life Kaidoh had in Japan didn't include Momoshiro at all, so how is Kaidoh supposed to return to that and act like everything's fine and normal, when there's an incessant pounding in his chest that says, No, it isn't.

But he's kept himself busy to distract himself from that. He's working to reapply to his college for the spring term, and he's been looking for part time jobs again, since he feels a renewed responsibility to help out his family. The winter season isn't the best time to be looking though, he quickly discovered, but he isn't one to get discouraged so soon. And his parents keep assuring him not to put pressure on himself, to just relax and enjoy his time, for as long as he needs—he's pretty sure they've convinced themselves that he and his brother were starving and wasting away on that island with the way they're treating them.

It's Christmas Eve now, and his family is all together, his parents smiling and his mother plying Kaidoh and Hazue with plates and bowls of food, but Kaidoh feels like he's in a weird daze, like he's just sleepwalking through reality. It feels so strange to be home, he wonders when—if—he'll get used to it. Having Hazue there, knowing he's in the same position, should be more reassuring than it is, but it's hard for Kaidoh to talk to his brother about what he's feeling, because that would mean explaining it—all of it—and that's not something Kaidoh ever wants to do. It's not something he can even really explain to himself.

But Hazue seems to understand, at least in some small part. He's told Kaidoh he should try and call Momoshiro, but the thought of that leaves Kaidoh feeling embarrassed and frozen in his tracks and he's dismissed the suggestion each and every time. He can't just … Can he? No, that seems impossible. He doesn't even really know if Momoshiro would want to hear from him now. The way things were on the island … it all feels like a dream now. With each passing day, Kaidoh wonders if maybe that's all it ever will be.

He's staring dazedly at the flickering candles on their Christmas cake in the center of the table when a jarring ring of the doorbell jolts him out of his trance. His mother starts to stand up to answer it, but Kaidoh politely stops her, and tells her he'll get it instead, assuming that it's probably just some door-to-door salesman or pamphleteer.

He certainly isn't expecting to open the door and see a very cold-looking Momoshiro standing before him, and he can't hide the surprise that washes over his face. There might be a flicker of something like relief or happiness there too, but it's completely overshadowed by his shock.

Momoshiro's teeth chatter and his fingers finally give way to the plastic bag he was holding, dropping it on his feet. "Crap," he mutters, and then feels embarrassed for making such a huge fool out of himself. He quickly tries to pick the bag back up, but leaves his eyes staring at the floor.

He hadn't expected Kaidoh to open, and now Momoshiro has no idea what to say or do. But he has to, he's taken that first step, and he's the one who got himself into this situation.

"Me … merri ... c-chrismasu, " he says in broken English, stuttering the other half. He can't tell if it's because he can't feel his lips anymore, or if it's because seeing Kaidoh in front of him after that long, long week. It felt like the longest week in the history of the earth.

Momoshiro tries to stuff one hand into his pocket for warmth as he stands there awkwardly, waiting for Kaidoh to respond, or do anything at all. Perhaps if he blushes even more, he can warm himself up, like a self-sustaining power plant.

Kaidoh keeps staring like a deer caught in the headlights, like if he blinks Momoshiro will disappear like some weird figment of his imagination. But he seems pretty real, and doesn't seem to be going anywhere either, so finally Kaidoh gets a grip on himself and parts his lips to say, "Yeah," which sounds like an idiotic and inadequate thing to say, but he's kind of having a little trouble with words right now.

From back inside the house, he hears his mother calling out his name, probably wondering what's taking him so long, or why the door's still open and letting in the cold winter air. He can't just stand here in the doorway forever or she'll get worried and come to fuss over him again. Kaidoh doesn't want to stand here forever either, because it's making his insides tie themselves in knots.

He looks at Momoshiro, who is shivering, and his face looks red from the cold. How long has he been outside anyway? He was never great at tolerating cold in the first place.

"Do you, um …" Kaidoh starts, feeling his own cheeks going a little pink. "Do you want to come inside?"

Momoshiro's legs feel like popsicles, so moving doesn't really seem an option right now. Even talking seems like a hard chore, because his teeth won't stop chattering, and he won't stop shaking. And he can't tell if it's because of the cold, or the fact that Kaidoh is talking to him, and making him feel all sorts of shivers.

"Y-yeah," Momoshiro huffs out in a cold breath of air. He doesn't know what else to say. He wasn't planning on getting inside either. All he wanted to do was … well, he hadn't thought that far yet. But he was definitely entertaining the thought of dropping the present in front of Kaidoh's feet, and bolting out of there like lightning.

Kaidoh steps aside to let Momoshiro in, and Momoshiro tries to thaw out his stone cold legs to get them to move. He feels like a robot when he finally does walk through the door, passing Kaidoh, and feeling aware of everything he's doing. He still can't look Kaidoh in the eye either. He might just burst into flames if he does. Then again, that doesn't sound so bad right now, not when he's feeling so cold. He sets the plastic bag on the ground, still avoiding Kaidoh who closes the door. Momoshiro first tries to take his coat off—after standing there awkwardly at the entryway—but his fingers are too frozen and stiff to be able to take his zipper down. He fumbles around like an idiot, unable to get a grip on the tab of the zipper. The longer he stands there like this, with Kaidoh waiting for him, the more nervous he gets and the longer he fumbles around with his zipper.

Wordlessly, Kaidoh grabs an extra set of slippers from the shelf and sets them on the floor for Momoshiro and then he steals a glance at him. He feels like he hasn't seen Momoshiro in a very long time even though it's only really been a matter of days. Well, the last time he saw Momoshiro they were at the airport and that day was such a blur that it feels like some weird hallucination now.

Right now things don't seem quite so blurry. In fact, Kaidoh's mind is pretty clear right now. A bit frantic and buzzing, but clear.

He isn't sure what he's going to tell his parents when Momoshiro walks in. Well, it's not like he knows what the hell Momoshiro is doing at his house on Christmas Eve. Under normal circumstances, he'd just let Momoshiro do the talking but at the moment he seems just as tongue-tied as Kaidoh feels, which isn't really helping to set Kaidoh's mind at ease.

And standing here in silence really isn't helping, especially when Momoshiro seems to be taking forever just to take off his stupid jacket. The seconds seem to creep by, and Kaidoh watches him fumbling with the zipper and eventually gets impatient and agitated enough that he just hisses and reaches his hand out to yank the tab down for him.

It felt like a simple enough action—not something he'd even have questioned a week ago—but midway through the motion, Kaidoh suddenly feels awkward about doing it, about the proximity, about touching Momoshiro at all. Once the jacket is unzipped, Kaidoh pulls his hand back again and looks down at the neat rows of shoes on the floor, unable to meet Momoshiro's gaze.

"Well, come on," he mumbles.

Momoshiro is glad his cheeks are already red from the cold, because he's sure he's blushing by now. He wishes he had a scarf he could bury his face in, he wants to hide himself from Kaidoh, or from anyone threatening to walk in on them. What if someone saw? But it's just a simple gesture, it's not like they were doing … other things.

Could they do other things?

The thought makes Momoshiro dizzy, so he decides not to think about it. Instead he focuses his energy on slipping off his jacket, feeling cold and naked without it, like it was some sort of armour protecting him from Kaidoh or something. He hangs it next to the other set of coats, and tries to kick off his shoes, looking like a dumbass as he almost trips as he stands on his sock. He makes himself as small as possible as he nudges his shoes next to the other ones, and slips his feet into the slippers Kaidoh prepared for him. They're too big, but whatever.

Momoshiro grabs the plastic bag and finally steps on the wooden floor. He's not looking forward to see Kaidoh's family—he came to see Kaidoh after all, and that is still so scary that he keeps looking back at the front door, and wondering if he could still make a run for it. But he's here now, with Kaidoh, and it still feels like a dream.

When Kaidoh starts walking, Momoshiro opens his mouth to stop him. "Wait …" he calls out weakly. He curses his tongue for being so hesitant. He lifts the bag up and offers it to Kaidoh without another word. The floorboards are very interesting.

Kaidoh looks at the bag and then takes it in his hands and pulls it open to take a skeptical peek at its contents. Inside is what must be the most terribly wrapped present Kaidoh's ever seen. There's tape all over it and even the paper is pretty wrinkled. It kind of makes Kaidoh want to smile though.

But … "I didn't buy you anything," he says quietly, sounding a little guilty.

Well, that's because neither of them probably thought they were going to see each other anytime soon. Or ever. But Momoshiro bought it because Kaidoh was on his mind, and it was sitting in the store window, screaming for his attention.

"Doesn't matter …" Momoshiro says. He scratches the back of his head, feeling shy of all things. "Think of it as a return gift … for, you know." Momoshiro might not be wearing the medal Kaidoh made for him, but he still has it at home, sitting underneath his pillow. That medal is the only thing that feels real to him when everything else still seems like a dream.

"Oh." Kaidoh's fingers curl around the handles on the bag until they're crumpling against the palm of his hand. "Thanks …" he says, a bit hesitantly. Should he open it right now? Would that be weird? It's already weird enough that they're here standing in the entrance to Kaidoh's home on Christmas Eve.

"You can open it inside," says Momoshiro, noticing Kaidoh hesitating. Though he also looks like he doesn't know what to do with this chain of events. Momoshiro doesn't either. "It's not anything embarrassing …"

Momoshiro scratches his nose, and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He looks over at the hallway, where the sounds are coming from. "Did I … did I come at a bad time?" he asks. Maybe he interrupted their private family time, and that makes Momoshiro feel bad. "I can go back home …"

"No," Kaidoh says, startled by how assertive he sounds in saying that. "I mean no, it's fine. It's just dinner."

He looks down at the bag still in his hands and then back up at Momoshiro. "You could …" He trails off, because it feels like a very weighty thing to suggest. So he glances away before continuing, like he can either talk, or look at Momoshiro, but not both at the same time. "You could come join us if you want. My mother made more than enough food."

"Yeah ... okay, sounds good." Momoshiro smiles a little, feeling a bit less awkward about the whole thing. "Sure they won't mind? I am a big eater after all," he jokes to lighten up the mood between them.

Kaidoh rolls his eyes. He's pretty sure his mother would be happy to give Momoshiro as much food as he likes; she'd probably think he was starving all this time as well. Actually … Kaidoh doesn't know what she'd think, about this, about Momoshiro just randomly stopping by for a visit. Since, well, Kaidoh never gets visitors.

He suddenly gets a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach as he imagines his parents asking Momoshiro about their time on the island, about Kaidoh, about anything at all. What would he say? Just the thought of that is mortifying. Hopefully they'll be too preoccupied with food to want to talk.

"It … should be okay," Kaidoh says, although now he's not so sure himself.

"Okay," Momoshiro echoes. Suddenly this weird urge washes over him, his skin finally starting to get warm again, and he thinks—no, he wants—it'd be nice if he could touch Kaidoh right now. To hold him, because it's been something he's been wanting for this entire week. He's missed him. He's missed his warmth, his presence, the things they do. But now they're back in the real world, and Momoshiro doesn't know if it's still allowed. Especially since other people might notice, and that's the last thing he wants.

He starts to follow Kaidoh as he walks to the living room, his steps careful and precise. He still feels nervous, still has a million unanswered questions clouding his head, and he can't help but stare at the back of Kaidoh's ankles. It's weird to see him wear pants, as the only thing he's worn on the island were shorts. At least one thing didn't change; still no socks. It's weird nonetheless, seeing Kaidoh in different clothes. He's not even wearing a bandana. Kaidoh looks so strikingly normal, it doesn't look like Kaidoh anymore. It annoys Momoshiro much more than it should; everything is so different. He just wants to go back to the time where it was just them, together, without anyone else, and without looking different or acting different.

Momoshiro sighs; this is not helping him calm down. He finally enters the living room, seeing a table decorated with food. Hazue who is sitting on one end is the first to spot him and Kaidoh, his eyes growing large and a happy smile etching his face. Kaidoh's parents notice him second, probably wondering what the hell he's doing there.

"Uhm, hello …" Momoshiro awkwardly bows at the parents. "I am uhh, Momoshiro Takeshi, I'm Kaidoh's …" What exactly? Momoshiro can't even finish the sentence himself. Friends is not the right word, not with what they did. Rivals seems stupid to say to his parents. And he certainly isn't anything else.

He warily glances over at Kaidoh; what's he supposed to say?

Kaidoh steadfastly wills himself to maintain some kind of composure, because it would be really embarrassing to start blushing right now, but … how the hell is he supposed to think of a word for what they are? In front of his parents, no less! He remembers in middle school when he'd tell his mother that Momoshiro was just his classmate and teammate from tennis club. Well, he's neither of those things anymore.

"He was, uh, on the island too," Kaidoh says finally, since that is vague and noncommittal and doesn't imply anything.

Although for some reason that also makes it feel horribly inadequate, like Momoshiro is nothing more than some acquaintance, when both he and Kaidoh know that's far from the truth.

Momoshiro forces a smile. "Yeah, we were stranded together." He waves at Hazue who happily waves back. "I was also his teammate when he was in Seigaku." Which makes it seem like a weird coincidence that they know each other at all, when it's not like that. Momoshiro can never manage to describe in a word what they are to each other. Certainly not acquaintances.

"Oh my, Momoshiro-kun, you certainly look cold. Kaoru, find him an extra seat, okay? He can warm himself up now," says Kaidoh's mother. She smiles warmly at Momoshiro, and Momoshiro can't help but smile back, despite feeling weird still. "Don't you have family to go to, Momoshiro-kun?"

"Ah, well, I mean, I do, but …" He wanted to see Kaidoh more? He can't say that. "I just …" He hangs his head down since he doesn't know what else to say.

Luckily, Hazue jumps in for him. "Momo-nii-chan just wanted to see if we were alright, right?" he pipes up. "He took very good care of us on the island," he tells his parents.

"Oh, is this the Momoshiro-kun we've heard so much about?" asks their dad. Hazue nods excitedly. "Then why didn't you say so, come join us boy, anyone who helped our sons out is a friend of ours."

Momoshiro is glad they seem very friendly, but is also a tiny bit insulted they don't seem to remember him from the first time he came over. Granted, that was well over six years ago, but still, it makes Momoshiro feel insignificant. If his parents could easily forget him, could Kaidoh as well?

Kaidoh grabs another chair for Momoshiro and sets it at the table, next to his own … but not too close.

He feels like protesting that Momoshiro didn't really take care of them—it's not like he and his brother were helpless or something. And he wants to tell Momoshiro pointedly that he certainly wasn't the one going around saying he did either—that was all Hazue. But he's never been one to argue in front of his parents, and it would be weird to argue with Momoshiro right now in the first place, since he doesn't know how that would go anymore. Too many variables seem to have changed.

Instead he just takes his seat with a huff and waits for Momoshiro to do the same.

Momoshiro feels like everything is going in slowmotion, which makes everything even more awkward and weird. He sits down on the chair, being careful not to touch Kaidoh—he thinks his face will catch on fire if he does—and awkwardly looks down at the table.

"Hazue, go get an extra plate," his mother tells him. Hazue obeys and gets up from his own seat and disappears into the kitchen. "My, what do you have there, Kaoru?" she asks, seeing the bag sitting next to Kaidoh's chair.

Kaidoh has the immediate impulse to try and hide the bag, since it feels like some kind of secret, but it's too late for that now.

He glances over at Momoshiro and then back at his mother. "It's a present from Momoshiro," he mumbles, and knows he's blushing a little as he says it. He hopes his mother will just brush that off as modesty or politeness or something. She's well-acquainted with his shyness after all. Although she's less well-acquainted with Kaidoh receiving gifts from, well, anyone outside their family.

"Oh, how sweet of you!" his mom gushes at Momoshiro.

Momoshiro feels put on the spot and tries to shrink into his shoulders on the chair. At least it truly isn't anything embarrassing what he bought … He can't imagine handing Kaidoh a pillow with cat doodles on it, now that would be mortifying.

"It was no big deal," he says quietly. Well no, it actually is. It's his excuse to come and see Kaidoh.

"Well Kaoru, open it up, and be sure to thank Momoshiro-kun for his generosity," says his mom.

Hazue walks back into the living room at that moment and places an empty plate and bowl in front of Momoshiro, as well as some chopsticks, before sauntering back to his own seat. He looks curious as to what kind of gift Momoshiro has bought for his brother. He knows the kind of weird things they had made for each other on the island, so he wonders what it is this time. Carefully, he scoops up some rice for Momoshiro's bowl; there's still plenty left in the pot.

Kaidoh reluctantly gets the bag up off the floor and pulls it into his lap, lifting the box out from inside it. He feels kind of like he's on display, and hopes his emotions aren't written all over his face. Even so, he takes his time unwrapping the gift, in part because it's covered in a stupid amount of tape, and in part because Momoshiro is the one who wrapped it and somehow, to Kaidoh, that's important and he can't just tear through it.

Finally he does get the paper off and opens what turns out to be a shoebox. Inside he sees a pair of brand new blue and black sneakers. Really nice ones, too, and surprisingly, they're a style Kaidoh would probably even pick out for himself. It's like Momoshiro knew what Kaidoh wanted. Well, to be fair, anyone who knows Kaidoh knows how he likes to run, and they'd talked about how his shoes were falling apart, but Kaidoh didn't expect Momoshiro to actually go out and buy new ones for him.

He looks over at Momoshiro, too stunned to know what to say. "Thanks," he finally manages, for the second time this evening. "I really … They're really cool." He can't tell if he's being nice to Momoshiro because his parents are here, or if it's because it just feels natural to be this way.

Momoshiro smiles, for the first time in what seems like forever, a genuine smile that doesn't feel forced or like it'll fall off his face from too many bundles of nerves zapping him.

It was something he promised after all; buying Kaidoh a new pair of shoes after getting off the island. Though back then, when he said it, he didn't expect the getting off the island part to happen so soon. It still feels like a huge whirlwind to him, but when he sees Kaidoh next to him, his face not grumpy at all, Momoshiro feels a lot more at ease. That's what's been missing this entire week, the feeling that everything is okay, that he belongs here. That fuzzy feeling that feels like home. It's crazy how he only just now feels like this when he sees Kaidoh.

Momoshiro hopes it isn't written on his face, and he quickly bows at Kaidoh in a polite way—something which he wouldn't do if they were alone—to hide his red cheeks. Well, they were already red from the cold, but if this continues, they won't ever return to their normal colour.

"But don't run too much," says Momoshiro as he looks over at Kaidoh. When he thinks the parents aren't looking, he mouths out 'running freak' with his lips. Kaidoh shoots him a glare, which Momoshiro ignores as he picks up the chopsticks Hazue gave him, and starts picking at his rice.

"Well isn't that … great," says Kaidoh's mother, looking as if she's forcing herself to smile. She turns to Momoshiro with a smile. "So how are you adjusting back to your old life, Momoshiro-kun?"

Momoshiro coughs as he tries to swallow his rice, feeling even more weird. This is not exactly a question he'd like to answer. "Very slowly," he answers. His eyes glance over at Kaidoh, then back at his bowl of rice. "I lost my apartment, so I'm living with my parents at the moment."

"Oh dear, that sounds awful. Your parents are nice folk to take you back in, as parents should." She smiles at her sons as she says this.

Momoshiro wonders how well Kaidoh has adjusted to his old life.

"So have you made any plans for the future? Going to college perhaps?" asks the mother, attempting to keep small talk going.

"Uhh …" His future. He can barely think about what he's doing next week, let alone the next year. "I don't know …" he admits shamefully. He once wanted to become a tennis coach, but now, everything's all messed up, and he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even know if he wants to be here or not, but anything is better than not seeing Kaidoh at all.

"Ah well, he's probably still shaken up from coming back home, you should take all the time you need, Momoshiro-kun," says Kaidoh's father.

"I have to redo my last year of high school," pitches in Hazue with a frown. He sighs. "I missed too much school."

"And whose fault is that, exactly?" says his mother in a stern voice. Hazue lowers his head down in shame.

"And you?" Momoshiro asks, looking over at Kaidoh, who'd been keeping quiet. Momoshiro feels a little overwhelmed at these questions, and takes comfort in the fact that he and Kaidoh are in the same situation.

Kaidoh grimaces and looks over at his parents. "I'm going to try to start back at my college again," he says, sounding a bit robotic, like this is something he's been repeating to neighbors and relatives a lot for the past few days. In truth, Kaidoh doesn't really know what he has planned for his future. His parents are happy enough with him continuing his education and maybe finding a job in the meantime, but Kaidoh feels kind of listless now, and hopes that's just residual jet lag or something.

"I think I have to wait until April though," he adds. "I guess I'll be looking for work until then." He looks at his father who gives an approving nod, as if to suggest that this is more his plan than Kaidoh's own. Well, Kaidoh's not about to argue with it. Anything that gets him out of the house and doing something is better than nothing.

"I see …" Momoshiro stares at his plate full of food (courtesy of Kaidoh's dad who shoved it all on there), wondering how his future is going to pan out.

Kaidoh's plans are definitely more streamlined than Momoshiro's. Momoshiro still doesn't know what to do, he needs some time to think and adjust to being back to his old life. Even the entire thing with Kaidoh needs to be figured out still, and that is pretty much taking all of his effort right now. He settles on stuffing himself full of food to prevent himself from talking. Kaidoh's mother seems to have cooked a very fine christmas meal, and there truly is enough for Momoshiro as well.

The rest of dinner time is spent talking about what happened on the island, with Momoshiro getting squeamish on questions involving him and Kaidoh living in the same hut. When he looks over at Kaidoh, he can see him grip the fabric of his pants; his palms sweaty. At least he's not the only one who is awkwardly dodging these questions. Hazue doesn't seem to be helping though, in fact he makes matters worse by mentioning how often they spent time together, and how many times Momoshiro has asked for presents from Kaidoh. When Hazue tells his parents about the rainbow roses, Momoshiro's head is as red as a crab. Kaidoh is looking down at his lap, head turned away, and just as red as Momoshiro is.

The more they talk about their island life, the more Momoshiro realizes just how weird everything sounds. What exactly would his parents think if they knew Momoshiro gave a pillow to Kaidoh with cat doodles on it? Or how Kaidoh made him a medal—that he still wears—for how awesome Momoshiro is? Everything sounds so wrong, as if they were treating island life like a …. like a … honeymoon getaway. Momoshiro feels sick to his stomach.

That's not what it was … that's not what it means …

Momoshiro nervously looks over at Kaidoh and catches his eye; he looks as uncomfortable as Momoshiro himself. He wants to get some time alone between the two of them, because something needs to be done. Momoshiro doesn't like hanging in limbo, not knowing what to do with Kaidoh, not knowing what's allowed anymore and what isn't.

Coming back home really messed everything up. They were getting in this routine, this groove, but now it's all fallen to shambles. What's Kaidoh to him now? They're not playing tennis anymore, so he's not a teammate. They're not fighting with each other anymore, so he's not a rival. They've spent everyday together for several months, so they're definitely not strangers or acquaintances. But friends definitely do not do the things they've done with each other, so they're not friends either.

Momoshiro looks at Kaidoh again, seeing nothing but a twentyone year old man sitting at the table with his family, wearing a lousy knitted sweater that really doesn't suit him at all.

He wants to ask him, what they are, but is afraid. Deathly afraid. Because talking means putting it into words, and words are real, words can change things. But things have already changed, so maybe now's the time to do it. Not right now though, not when they're in front of other people, Momoshiro will kill himself before that ever happens. He just needs to be alone with Kaidoh and then … and then he'll figure something out. Maybe.

Momoshiro hasn't been alone with Kaidoh since the day they were rescued, and god he really wants to be alone with him right now.

After they've finished eating, the conversation changes to reminiscing about the past, mostly about Kaidoh's and Hazue's past. Which is nice and all, Momoshiro loves getting dirt on Kaidoh such as knowing when he last peed his own bed, but this is all just filling up his time, and he's growing more fidgety by the second. Momoshiro thinks he can just fake a stomach bug, and get the hell out of there with Kaidoh, but his family seems to insist on shoving photo albums of the Kaidoh family in his face.

They're sitting on the couch now, Momoshiro next to Kaidoh's mother, and Kaidoh sitting in the chair in front of him, looking uncomfortable and like this is the last place he wants to be.

"Oh, and here's Kaoru playing house," says Kaidoh's mother as she turns the page of the photo album. One of the pictures shows little Kaidoh, wearing a pink dress, holding a baby doll and shoving a milk bottle in its mouth. He looks like a girl, especially with longer hair.

So he was right. Kaidoh did wear dresses when he was young. Momoshiro would feel like rubbing this in Kaidoh's face, if it weren't for the fact he was surrounded by his other family members, and has to act polite.

Momoshiro snorts, which he quickly covers up with a laugh. "You look like this girl I knew, Kaidoh," he says, his eyes flickering up at Kaidoh, who is looking even grumpier. But that's more like Kaidoh, so it makes Momoshiro feel more at ease.

"I don't look like any girl," Kaidoh protests futilely, although a lot more politely than he would if they were alone. The photos are doing nothing to help his case. Can't his mother see how embarrassing they are? She always insists on pulling that album out whenever they have guests over, and they coo over the pictures like they're adorable while Kaidoh sits there feeling increasingly mortified.

And that's exactly how he feels right now. Although since it's Momoshiro, the feeling is even more intensified. And he kind of wants to punch him in the face for getting to see that stuff at all. He's annoyed that he can't do anything to stop this parade of embarrassing memories.

He's thought about hiding or even destroying the photos, but he's a good kid at heart, and would never do anything disobedient like that, so he just silently tolerates it. Besides, he had been just a kid—most of the pictures are from kindergarten—and he didn't know any better. His mother had picked out all of his clothes. It wasn't Kaidoh's fault she'd been nuts over frilly dresses and skirts instead of t-shirts and jeans like the rest of the boys wore. It's not really something Kaidoh likes to dwell on now, because in retrospect, it was a really weird upbringing, but it's not something he can go back and change. And it's all in the past; he's definitely not going to put on a dress again anytime soon. Gross.

He crosses his arms over his chest and kicks his slippers against the flooring. "I really don't think he needs to see all of those," he mumbles grouchily through gritted teeth and gives his mother a pointed look. It isn't very effective though; she just brushes it off with a smile and continues flipping through the album. Kaidoh thinks about finding some excuse to leave, because sitting here watching Momoshiro look through those old photos is like torture. Kaidoh doesn't want him thinking weird things. Although he probably already is. Asshole.

But it would be awkward to just get up and leave Momoshiro alone with his family. Since he's sort of Kaidoh's guest. Which is weird in and of itself. It's certainly not something Kaidoh could have foreseen when this day began.

Hazue's been lingering in the kitchen, doing dishes, but when he's done, he goes over to Kaidoh's side, pitying him a bit that he has to endure someone looking through embarrassing photos of him. He sits on the arm of the couch next to Kaidoh, and leans in closer to him.

"Look, Kaoru-nii-chan, isn't this great? Momo-nii-chan came to see you," he says in a very low voice so Momoshiro can't hear him. "I knew he'd come by sooner or later."

Kaidoh feels his face growing a little warmer, and he grimaces to try and hide it. He hadn't thought about it like that—Momoshiro hadn't said as much, and Kaidoh certainly hadn't asked, and he'd been too startled by the whole situation to really begin to process it—but the moment Hazue points it out, it's all Kaidoh can think about: Momoshiro came here to see him.

He steals a glance over at Momoshiro, who's still looking, engrossed, at the photo album, and feels his heart beat faster. He's here because of Kaidoh … So what does that mean exactly?

"You knew he would?" Kaidoh asks his brother, voice equally low, and a little surprised. Because Kaidoh definitely didn't. He thought maybe when they parted ways at the airport that might actually be the end of things between them. And each day after that only solidified that fearful thought. He certainly didn't think Momoshiro would just show up out of the blue at his front door.

But he won't deny that a small part of him hoped that maybe he would.

Hazue smiles at Kaidoh. "Well I didn't know for sure, but isn't it a given?" He slumps back against the couch and looks at Momoshiro happily browsing through the album. "He must have been lonely, having no one to talk to that experienced the same thing as him. I mean, we're brothers, so it helps—but he was alone. And hey, you two have been together for so long, why wouldn't he come by?" Hazue is actually surprised it has taken him so long, but he's glad Momoshiro is much more assertive than his brother.

Meanwhile, Momoshiro continues to flip through the pages, each seeing a more embarrassing picture of Kaidoh than the previous page. If Momoshiro didn't know any better, he'd have thought Kaidoh was in fact, a real girl. He looks so much like one! It doesn't help he also reminds him of this girl he once knew. He looks up from the pages, his eyes sneakily stealing a glance at Kaidoh sitting in front of him. It's still weird, seeing him. He's talking about something with Hazue, looking uncomfortable. Then again, it's not like Momoshiro feels comfortable here.

He'd rather they be alone together, without his family watching their every move. And besides, Momoshiro can't stay for long, his own family expects him to be back.

"You should ask him out on a date or something. It is Christmas after all," Hazue suggests softly.

"I can't do that!" Kaidoh sputters, a bit too loudly. Suddenly feeling paranoid, his gaze flicks over to Momoshiro, but he doesn't seem to have taken much notice, so hopefully he didn't hear what Hazue said either. Because otherwise that would be totally mortifying and Kaidoh would have to go die.

He looks at his brother as though he's somehow betrayed him by bringing up that taboo subject, with his parents and Momoshiro right there. "Don't say such embarrassing things …" he hisses, his voice sounding low and a little desperate.

"But you have to do something," Hazue urges on. "What if Momo-nii-chan won't visit you anymore after this, thinking you don't want to see him? What then?"

"I …" Kaidoh definitely doesn't want that to happen. He doesn't want to stop seeing Momoshiro; this past week has been tough enough. But saying that outright seems impossible. He can't just tell Momoshiro, can he? That would be totally weird. And totally embarrassing. And that's not how things work between them. Talking about … this … it's just not what they do.

He wishes he could make his brother understand that, but at the same time is very, very glad his brother doesn't. Because he'd be horrified if his brother knew what was going on between him and Momoshiro. Which is … what exactly? Kaidoh still isn't sure.

"I guess maybe you're right," he concedes quietly. Maybe something has to be done. "But I can't just … I don't know how. What am I supposed to say?"

Hazue nudges Kaidoh softly in his side. "Ask him to stay over for the night."

Kaidoh's cheeks burn and something in his stomach does a funny flip. "E-excuse me?" That feels like the last thing Kaidoh can say to Momoshiro.

"Mom—can Momo-nii-chan stay the night?" Hazue asks out loud.

Their mother looks up from the album, as well as Momoshiro. She nods with a pleasant smile. "I'd be delighted."

Kaidoh grimaces at his mother like she's somehow conspiring with Hazue now. Then he looks at Momoshiro, feeling guilty even though this wasn't his idea. He's worried Momoshiro might think it is, and then he'll think Kaidoh's a freak for wanting him to stay over, and that's not the truth at all. Well, not that Kaidoh doesn't want that, but he isn't the one who asked for it.

For a small speck in time, Momoshiro feels happy. He's about to start smiling, happily agreeing to staying over—he did want to be alone with Kaidoh, and staying the night would be perfect—but then he remembers. His parents want him to come back home, and to not stay out for too long (they're getting paranoid they'd lose him again if he stays away for too long). So his smile turns into a grimace.

"Sorry …" he says meekly, ashamed at having to reject the offer. "I can't stay. My family wants me to come back home soon." He avoids Kaidoh's eyes, as if he's somehow saying he doesn't want to stay in Kaidoh's house. But he does. Well, mostly he just wants to be with Kaidoh a little while longer. They still need to figure things out. Whatever those things are. He wonders if Kaidoh wanted him to stay over, since it was Hazue who asked. That'd be even worse, to reject Kaidoh's offer directly. Momoshiro feels bad.

Kaidoh should feel relieved at that, but he finds himself feeling disappointed instead. So Momoshiro has to leave after all. Kaidoh doesn't know why the idea of that bothers him so much, especially since he hadn't been planning to see Momoshiro at all tonight. But now that he's here, as awkward as the circumstances are, Kaidoh doesn't want him to go.

He huffs, pulling at the sleeves of his sweater, and looks at Hazue, then back to Momoshiro. "Maybe …" he starts to say, "some other time," to which he quickly adds, "Or whatever." Because he doesn't want to sound like he cares too much one way or the other.

"Oh, yeah, uh," Momoshiro fumbles, kind of happy Kaidoh suggested a different day. "I'll have to check with my parents though, the limitations of not living alone anymore," says Momoshiro with a small laugh.

Then, Momoshiro takes out his cellphone. It's cheap, it's brand new—his parents gave it to him, but it works. And he's been wanting Kaidoh's phone number ever since he got it. He flips it open (it's made out of plastic), and then looks up at Kaidoh. "Can I uhh … have your number then? So we can agree on a date." He doesn't know why asking this question makes goose bumps appear on his arms. Luckily he's wearing a sweater to hide it.

Kaidoh blushes again. The way his mother and Hazue are looking between them both makes him feel a bit like he's under a microscope and being studied. Things were simply easier without other people around.

He tries to focus his attention on Momoshiro, who seems just as nervous as he is, which he finds to actually be a relief, and he somehow manages to recite out his number, all in one breath, without stuttering. It's kind of a feat given how jittery his insides feel.

Then, in a somewhat stilted voice, Kaidoh says, "I guess I should, um, get your number too."

Just as Kaidoh says that, his phone beeps with an incoming message. Momoshiro smiles at him. "Now you've got it too," he says.

Suddenly, it feels as if there's a weight lifted from Momoshiro's shoulders. For this entire week, he didn't know Kaidoh's number, and contacting his home would be embarrassing (not that sitting here looking at pictures of girly Kaidoh is any better), so the only real way to get in contact with Kaidoh, would be to physically drop by. And that was already an insufferable task, Momoshiro feels like he's climbed Mount Fuji all on his own, and he's out of energy. But now, having his number, being able to call him on the fly, or bother him incessantly with text messages, like the good old times.

Yeah, he can call Kaidoh now, and knowing that Kaidoh asked for his too (well, not directly), makes him feel a lot more at ease. Kaidoh doesn't want to stop talking to him after coming home, after being rescued. That's one big relief. And maybe, if Kaidoh doesn't want to stop that … maybe he doesn't want to stop other things either.

But seriously, they just need to get alone already.

"I'll let you know," says Momoshiro, gesturing at his phone before he pockets it away.

"Yeah," Kaidoh replies, "Cool." As though he's just casually agreeing to hang out with Momoshiro again, even though inside he's feeling anything but casual. But it's something. If nothing else it's a step, like Hazue was urging him to take. And Kaidoh feels something swell in his chest at the knowledge that he'll get to see Momoshiro again, definitively, and that maybe he'll get a stupid phone call from him, or some dumb demanding text message. Because he'd like that.

He'd also like if he could stop feeling so damn terrified to just be in the same room with Momoshiro, for fear that he's going to say or do something to give himself away. Talking about anything right now is making his face heat up. He's surprised his mother hasn't asked him if he has a fever. If only his parents and brother would leave them alone … then maybe things wouldn't feel so strained.

It's kind of hard though when it's Christmas Eve and Kaidoh can't think of a good excuse to get some privacy. He's pretty sure his parents wouldn't buy it if he said he and Momoshiro had to go out for a run at this hour. And Momoshiro would probably protest that idea anyway.

Kaidoh's mother immediately pulls Momoshiro's attention back to the photo albums.

"And look, this is him on his fifth birthday, with his very first friend," she coos, feeling proud. She turns the page to show the picture.

Momoshiro snorts softly; Kaidoh and a friend? Never. Kaidoh barely had anyone who would talk to him in middle school, much less someone who'd be his friend. But then he thinks about it more, and wonders about how Kaidoh's earlier life was like. Because, to be honest, he did at one point—albeit very briefly—consider being Kaidoh's friend. That was when they first met, and Momoshiro was happy to make friends with anyone, including Kaidoh. Obviously, this didn't work out.

What if it worked out with someone else, before he met Momoshiro? The thought kind of makes him feel uneasy, like Kaidoh has some other secret friend in his life that Momoshiro knows nothing about.

Then again, he should really stop thinking about that, because Kaidoh was five years old and wearing dresses, it would hardly matter now.

Momoshiro peers over at the album, looking at the glossy picture. The first thing he sees is Kaidoh in blue overalls. He wants to tease him and ask why he's not wearing a blue dress instead, but his throat kind of dries up when he sees the other boy with Kaidoh. An average looking Japanese boy, pressing his lips against Kaidoh's cheek. Kaidoh looks like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes wide in surprise.

Stupid boy, touching Kaidoh like that.

Wait, where did that thought come from?

Momoshiro frowns, annoyed at suddenly feeling irritated at this picture, at this moment, at this boy. Who is this boy, and who does he think he is? Kaidoh doesn't like being touched! And he certainly wouldn't have allowed anyone to give him a kiss on the cheek.

He's the only exception.

Right?

Wait—why is he so fixated on this. It's just some stupid boy, he was probably bribed by Kaidoh's mother to be friends with him, and told him to kiss his cheek for his birthday. Yeah, that's probably what happened. No way would Kaidoh allow this, nor would anyone be sane enough to kiss someone as grumpy as that.

Even if Kaidoh doesn't look grumpy in the picture at all, but still looks like a girl.

Momoshiro entertains himself with the thought that the boy mistook Kaidoh for a girl, and that's why he kissed him. Hah, take that! Well too bad; Kaidoh's a man with a dick. And he's seen it to confirm this. Definitely not a girl. Stupid long hair. Stupid boy. Stop touching him.

"Friend, huh?" Momoshiro grits out. He sounds almost strained. Friend his ass.

Kaidoh crosses his arms defensively. "Yeah," he mumbles, but sounds a little guilty as he says it. He knows, without needing to look, what picture Momoshiro is looking at. Because there's only one. But it's pretty embarrassing, and Momoshiro looks kind of grossed out by it too, which in turn makes Kaidoh feel annoyed, like he needs to explain himself. Because he doesn't want Momoshiro to think that was what his whole childhood was like.

Because it wasn't. It wasn't like he wore dresses all through elementary school. Nor did he let guys kiss him—or get anywhere near him really. No, he'd started to toughen up after that.

"Well, I didn't know him for very long," he explains. "He moved away." He tries to sound indifferent about it, because why shouldn't he be? It was so long ago he shouldn't really care anymore, even though at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world. Well, he'd been five-years-old. He hadn't had much to compare it to.

"Ah yes, Kaoru was devastated to know Takkun was leaving, heartbroken, really," explains his mother in a sad voice. "His first friend, just gone. Took him a while to get over it." She leans in closer to Momoshiro with a small smile. "But I'm glad he's got other friends now," she says so Kaidoh can't hear.

Momoshiro clams up.

Kaidoh really wishes he had something to hide his face behind right about now. He settles for his hand, and cups it over his mouth, grumbling, "We can stop talking about this now …" in a mortified-sounding voice. The last thing he needs is his mother telling Momoshiro all about it like it's some charming anecdote. He glares at the photo album like he's trying to will it to slam shut through powers of telekinesis.

"Takkun?" Momoshiro asks in a cracked voice.

Kaidoh looks at the floor. "Yeah, that was his nickname," he says quietly. He glances back up again, but Momoshiro's expression is unreadable.

Actually, he looks kind of shell-shocked.

Oh, Kaidoh thinks, and suddenly very much wants to lock himself in his room and never come out. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option at the moment, so he remains frozen in his chair.

Momoshiro is just as frozen, his eyes glued to the picture now. He doesn't remember it as clearly as he should, but he does remember that day, and he does remember that orange peach hairclip stuck in Kaidoh's hair. That was his present, because it was his signature, a peach after all, and he had given it to K-chan, the first girl he ever had a crush on. It was her birthday, and Momoshiro went to visit her, and they had lots and lots of fun. Yes, he remembers that.

He doesn't remember the girl being a boy, and that boy being Kaidoh.

Yet the evidence is staring straight back in his face, as clear as day—his vague memory couldn't compare by a long shot.

That average looking Japanese boy, is him, Momoshiro, when he was four or five years old. And what should have been cute K-chan standing next to him—being kissed—is Kaidoh Kaoru.

Momoshiro puts his hands away as they start to shake, he can feel sweat breaking out on his forehead, and his entire mind is running in overdrive, trying to collect all the memories of K-chan that he stored away. His eyes flicker at Kaidoh, nervous, fidgety, feeling kind of nauseous, and they look back down again at the picture. Where a four year old Takkun, and a five year old K-chan should be standing, instead are Momoshiro and Kaidoh. It's them. It's really them. Momoshiro really is the one to be puckering out his lips and happily smacking them on Kaidoh's cheek. And Kaidoh is really the one with the peach hairclip in his long and girly hair.

This is not right. That's not what happened …

… So K-chan never existed? Was she a figment of Momoshiro's mind, or had it been Kaidoh all along?

The thought makes cold spikes run up his back, and he digs his fingers into the upholstery of the couch.

Forget about thinking what will happen in the future between them—he has to know what the hell happened between them in the past.

He can't meet Kaidoh's eyes anymore, he doesn't know what will happen—perhaps an atomic bomb will go off, that's how this tension feels like—so he keeps them on the corner of the album, the mother still blissfully unaware of the atmosphere. He opens his mouth, wanting to speak. Words aren't coming out though, instead he keeps flashing back to memories of K-chan. How she played around with fake cakes, how she liked blue flowers, how she got bullied, how Momoshiro bravely stood up for her and kicked their asses, how they spend her birthday together, and how they parted. It had been such a stereotypical childhood crush, and Momoshiro would look back on it fondly, but now … these memories are contaminated. They were wrong, it was a fantasy.

There was never any K-chan …

"... So you're K-chan," Momoshiro breathes out in a low and shaky voice.

It was only ever Kaidoh.

A shiver creeps up the back of Kaidoh's neck hearing Momoshiro call him that. It sounds surreal, like a name Momoshiro shouldn't be using, like a name Kaidoh shouldn't be hearing anymore—that was over fifteen years ago, and feels like a different time. But seeing Momoshiro sitting there is making all the pieces slowly fall into place and now that he knows, Kaidoh can't seem to make himself forget that he does. That boy, Takkun, that was Momoshiro all along. The knowledge jabs Kaidoh in his chest like the stick of a drum pounding away beneath his ribcage.

He somehow squeaks out a "Yes," in a voice that sounds foreign and faraway, and half like a question, like he doesn't know what to say. "I mean … I … That was a long time ago."

Right now, it feels like yesterday, to Momoshiro. Or more like today, given the intense and suffocating atmosphere suddenly looming over them. His heartbeat is racing like mad, he can feel it jump against his chest, so damn nervous. Kaidoh's mom seems fine though, it's only him and Kaidoh that are like this, everyone is blissfully unaware, even Hazue doesn't seem to have caught on. How would he? If Momoshiro just found out, it means no one else could have known.

"Ah yes, Momo-nii-chan, don't worry about it. I've never seen Takkun return after that. Not that I was really … aware of it at that time, but he hasn't had eyes for him—err I mean, he hasn't seen him since. Yeah." Hazue coughs in his hands.

"Hazue," Kaidoh hisses, and hides his face behind his hand again. He peeks through his fingers at Momoshiro who still hasn't said anything else. Kaidoh can't tell if he's angry, and almost wishes that maybe he was, because at least that's something familiar to Kaidoh and he'd know how to react. Right now though, he doesn't. He has no precedent for this. There's no normal way to handle this. This isn't normal.

"That's right, we haven't heard of Takkun since, I wonder what became of him," his mother muses.

Momoshiro leans forwards a little bit, resting his hands on his knees, and hanging his head down, staring straight at the floor. He feels like a tornado knocked the wind out of him, he's out of breath and he can't stop shaking now. He feels …

"I'm gonna be sick," says Momoshiro in half a mumble, and half a yelp. No, he doesn't feel good at all. This is the opposite of feeling good and happy and perfect. This feels like knives are stabbing him in his brain, then rubs salt in the wounds as well.

"That's not good—did the food not agree with you, Momoshiro-kun?" asks Kaidoh's mother in a worried voice. He claps the album closed and scoots closer to Momoshiro to check his temperature. "You do look rather clammy."

"No it's just …" His stomach is swirling with nausea? "I just need to …" Get out of here? Because staying here will probably make him throw up. This is not good, this is really not good.

"Kaoru, why don't you take him upstairs and let him rest on your bed till he feels better? We can't let Momoshiro-kun go home in this state." She starts rubbing his back, which only serves to make Momoshiro feel more awkward.

And what? Rest on Kaidoh's bed? No chance in hell. Momoshiro needs an escape from this madness. He quickly stands up from the couch, which had proved to be a mistake, as he feels even more lightheaded, until he grows weak at his knees and faintly collapses back onto the couch. His brain isn't running right, and his knees won't let him leave. This is torture. He can't just endure this, he's not built for something like this. He can't process this sudden information, it's too much on his puny tiny brain.

"Take him quickly!" she urges Kaidoh on in a much more stern voice.

What, no, don't take him quickly! There is no taking to be involved today! Momoshiro tries to glare at Kaidoh, but just feels more nauseous as he realizes that's K-chan, and he was his first crush—oh god he did not just think that out loud. Okay, he does really need to lie down, but he also really needs to leave! He grits his teeth, as if he's preparing himself to bite Kaidoh's arm if he touches him, since his legs aren't listening to him and walking away.

Kaidoh pulls himself up from his chair, like he's moving automatically, and goes to grab Momoshiro by the arm to pull him up too, but Momoshiro shrugs him off. It takes several tries for Kaidoh to actually pull him to his feet because Momoshiro is being stubborn and skittish, like some kind of scared animal. Kaidoh's just glad Momoshiro doesn't punch him right in front of his parents. That would be hard to explain.

Eventually though, Momoshiro seems too dizzy to protest and Kaidoh manages to get him up the stairs to his room. Momoshiro doesn't say anything, doesn't touch Kaidoh and flinches away at Kaidoh's touch as well, and it makes Kaidoh feel nervous and embarrassed, and he feels like punching Momoshiro, because none of this is his fault. But he doesn't, because he also doesn't really understand.

Finally they reach Kaidoh's room, and Kaidoh sits Momoshiro down on his bed. He's about to say something when Momoshiro looks around frantically, breathing hard and fast, and tries to stand up again like he's going to make a run for the door, but doesn't quite make it all the way up and instead faints back against Kaidoh's pillow.

Well, at least he waited until they were up the stairs to do that.

Kaidoh, exasperated, embarrassed, and overwhelmingly confused by the whole turn of events, huffs and sits down in the chair at his desk, a little wary to get too close to Momoshiro, since he doesn't know when Momoshiro's going to come around, and he doesn't want him to try and take a swing at Kaidoh the second he wakes up.

So instead he just sits there, facing his bed, watching Momoshiro lie there passed out and looking helpless, and finds himself wondering how he never noticed before. Well, so many years had passed, and they'd both changed so much. It wasn't something he could have known. But now that he does know, he feels like all the clues were there, he just didn't know how to see them before. Now he can't help but see how Takkun grew up to be Momoshiro, how similar they are, how much sense it makes.

It's strange that Kaidoh doesn't feel afraid, not like Momoshiro seems to be. It's like solving some mystery, but the solution is kind of comforting in a weird way. Kaidoh's glad to know. It settles something inside of him. But at the same time, it's tearing open a new flurry of anxiety, because, in contrast, Momoshiro doesn't seem okay with this at all. Hell, it made him physically ill! Kaidoh doesn't know what to do with that. He doesn't know how to make it okay, since he doesn't even know if they are okay in the first place. It's like the awkwardness he felt upon seeing Momoshiro on his doorstep earlier has been magnified, exponentially multiplied, and he can't see any easy way out of it.

He frowns and swivels in his chair, wanting to fix it, but not really understanding what's wrong in the first place. It's a shocking coincidence—bizarre, even—but he's still the same person he was yesterday, and so is Momoshiro. That was a long time ago, so long neither of them even really remembered it until just now. Kaidoh's put that chapter of his life behind him. It doesn't need to become a part of their present. Just the thought of that makes Kaidoh want to die of embarrassment.

Momoshiro's breathing is even, steady, unlike his previous hysterical rhythm, that caused him to pass out from sheer anxiety. It's never happened before, never once in his life has Momoshiro felt so much like a rat trapped in a corner with no way out.

After several more minutes pass, Momoshiro finally stirs in his sleep, and opens his eyes, meeting an unfamiliar ceiling.

The first thing he thinks is that this is not his room. The second thing he thinks is that this is Kaidoh's room, and it looks exactly the same the last time he was in there, and that was over five years ago.

Kaidoh's room, he's in Kaidoh's room. An hour ago, he'd probably have been thrilled to be in this place for some privacy, but it only serves to make Momoshiro feel trapped with Kaidoh in a room right now. And he's there, sitting on his chair, staring at him, and that makes Momoshiro feel all kinds of weird things. The nausea starts making him dizzy again; he just can't believe it. He doesn't want to believe what he'd just found out.

All his memories, his fond childhood, they're gone. The first girl he ever had a crush on turned out to be a boy, and that simply weirds him out. He likes girls, not boys. And of all people, why did it have to be Kaidoh?

Momoshiro covers his face with his hands, hiding away his embarrassment as much as he can. Why is he here with Kaidoh. Why isn't he home. Why did he have to find out about that picture. He groans out loud; he can't make sense of it at all. He just wants to go home now and stay away from Kaidoh. Thinking of doing anything with Kaidoh right now scares the hell out of him. Which is stupid because he came here with the intention of doing something with Kaidoh today!

He still can't face the truth; that he was Takkun and that Kaidoh was K-chan. It can't be the truth. K-chan was a girl, and a very cute and nice one at that. She was so shy, but still very enthusiastic about anything Momoshiro had to say. She smiled all the time, and he really couldn't see her punching anyone in the future. She'd have become a cute obedient girl with long black hair, wearing a peach hairclip. That's how he imagined her as if the memory would ever surge back up. A nice girl, yeah, that's what she would have been.

But this, this awful reality is far from the truth.

Because Kaidoh isn't nice, he rarely smiles, he punches Momoshiro all the time, and he's certainly not obedient. They are two completely different people, and Momoshiro's mind still refuses to accept the fact that K-chan was Kaidoh.

And K-chan was a girl! Not some stupid grumpy guy who hisses all the time. Momoshiro didn't have a crush on a guy, he likes girls. He's not gay!

How could he have known? K-chan looked like a girl, acted like a girl, had a girly nickname, liked girly stuff like cakes and flowers, and well—Momoshiro never suspected otherwise.

Momoshiro doesn't know what to do anymore. He was winging it when he came here, but he did not expect to find out about this, this weird piece of information that changes everything. After all, K-chan was his very first kiss, and now it just means his first kiss was with Kaidoh. And he's a guy. He's not a girl. And Momoshiro is not gay. But wait, Kaidoh is, isn't he. That's why he was never bothered by Momoshiro hanging all over him when he was pretending to be K-chan. Yes, pretending, because Momoshiro refuses to believe Kaidoh was like that for real. He was just tricking Momoshiro, yes. He acted like a girl on purpose to get Momoshiro to like him. Well guess what; it worked.

"Asshole," Momoshiro grumbles through his hands. Yes, Kaidoh is a big asshole. The biggest he knows.

Newly aggravated, Kaidoh curls his fingers into fists at his sides. "How the hell am I an asshole, asshole?" he demands. He wasn't the one who agreed to sit with his mother and pore through old, embarrassing photos. Kaidoh figures that whatever came from that, Momoshiro brought on himself.

And why is it such a terrible thing anyway? Why is Momoshiro looking so nauseated by the discovery? It's kind of … insulting. So they knew each other when they were in kindergarten and neither realized it until now. It's not the end of the world. At least, not to Kaidoh anyway.

He starts to stand up from the chair, but stops himself the second he sees Momoshiro flinch, like he thinks Kaidoh's going to attack him or something. He's suddenly really jumpy, and it's unfamiliar territory for Kaidoh. He doesn't know how to handle Momoshiro like this. He isn't used to him being uncomfortable around him, and it's making Kaidoh feel like he should feel uncomfortable too. And the longer he stays here like this, the more he starts to.

Momoshiro hastily sits up straight, cursing his body for making him feel dizzy as he does, but he pulls through it, and backs up against Kaidoh's wall. His back presses into the cold stone wall, and now he can face Kaidoh, not that he really wants to. He just doesn't want him to come near him right now. It's all too weird and awkward.

But he's always got anger to fall back on. "You're the asshole," he fires back. Yes, Kaidoh is the asshole for seducing him as a five year old kid, and then keeping it a secret all these years. "Liar," he calls out too.

Kaidoh's confusion turns into annoyance and he glares at Momoshiro, eyes narrowed to slits. "I didn't lie about anything, you dumbass!" What is Momoshiro even talking about? That Kaidoh lied about his childhood? Lied about knowing Momoshiro when they were kids? He didn't know that himself until a few minutes ago!

"You did! Lied about everything! God—why do you keep fucking up my memories." Momoshiro buries his face into his hands, remembering the time he found out Kaidoh had liked him during middle school. How awkward it was between them then, and how tainted his memories had became. And now it's like that all over again, but even more embarrassing, because Momoshiro liked him too!

No, no, he didn't like Kaidoh. He liked K-chan. There's no way they are the same person.

"I bet you thought it was funny all this time huh, pretending not to know," Momoshiro says with disdain in his tone. "Pretending you were a girl in front of me, what the hell."

"I didn't know!" Kaidoh sputters exasperatedly. "And I never pretended to be a girl!" He stops and raises both eyebrows at Momoshiro. "Wait. You … What? You thought I was a girl?" He can't really comprehend it. He never saw it as that at all. He was a boy, same as he is now. He hasn't changed. He hasn't pretended. Just because his mother made him wear some wacky clothes back then doesn't change who he was. And he didn't think Takkun thought he was anything but a boy either … at the time anyway.

In retrospect—and with all that photographic evidence of just how girly he used to look—he guesses he can kind of see how someone might get that idea. And that makes his whole face flush red. He didn't mean to trick Momoshiro. He'd never pretended to be anything but who he was. He'd just been a kid after all. How was he supposed to know?

"I didn't think you were a girl—you acted like one and even spoke like one! What the hell man, I'm not like you—I'm not gay, so of course I wasn't going to do that sort of thing with boys. You were supposed to be a girl!" He's angry, he's angry for knowing about this information. Angry at Kaidoh for deluding him, for making him think his hetereosexuality was still in check when he was that young, for throwing that whole idea upside down in the future.

It doesn't count.

Yes, it doesn't count. Obviously if Momoshiro knew K-chan was a boy, he wouldn't have liked her. Obviously.

This time Kaidoh does get out of his chair, rising so fast the whole thing rattles, nearly knocking over.

"Shut up!" he growls. He's shaking now, and sounding equal parts hurt and angry. "Don't tell me what I was supposed to be. I was five fucking years old, asshole. I was acting like a kid, nothing else."

"But you knew!" Momoshiro cries out. "You knew … did you really think that's how two boys should act together? You had long hair, wore dresses, and referred to yourself with the female pronoun—you had to have known!"

Kaidoh takes in a sharp, hitched breath, like he can't seem to get air in fast enough. Then it shudders out of him again as he says, "I didn't … I didn't know. My mother cut my hair and bought my clothes. And she always told me to speak politely and gently. It was just … it was all I knew to do. I didn't know any better. I wasn't trying to … I didn't think …" He huffs. His mind feels all muddled. "It was a really long time ago, moron."

And how was he supposed to know how two boys should act together? It wasn't like he'd had any friends before Takkun.

Okay fine ; Kaidoh didn't seduce him on purpose. But there was definitely some seducing involved. Momoshiro trails his fingers from his eyes down to his jaw, looking completely bewildered.

"So that's why they always said K-chan was such a girl … it was an insult," he mumbles to himself. He knew K-chan was getting bullied, and they always called her a baby girl, but he didn't know it was because K-chan was actually a boy.

Momoshiro looks back up at Kaidoh. "But … then … how …" How come Kaidoh is the polar opposite of girl-Kaidoh he met all these years ago then? "Ugh fuck," he curses, not really knowing what else to say. "You're messing me up man."

"But I'm not doing anything," Kaidoh replies, scowling. And he isn't. Despite all his instincts to the contrary—instincts to pummel Momoshiro with his fists, mostly—he's just standing there at the foot of his bed, barely moving. But if he isn't doing anything then why does he feel guilty? This isn't his fault.

He looks down at the floor and his forehead creases. "I'm sorry," he mumbles weakly, for lack of better words.

Momoshiro takes this chance to take in a deep and shaky breath, trying to calm himself down. He needs to be objective about this, getting angry at Kaidoh won't help because it had already happened in the past. That doesn't mean he still doesn't feel fleeting bursts of anger though. Mostly he's just confused, and well, shocked really. His memories turned out to be false, completely and utterly false.

But Kaidoh doesn't seem to have been doing it on purpose, even going as far as to say sorry—which the snake rarely does.

Momoshiro leans his head into his hands again, it's impossible to keep looking at Kaidoh directly without anything covering up his flushed cheeks. "So you really didn't know … that it was me?" he asks in a tiny voice.

"No, stupid," Kaidoh says. If he had, he wonders how differently he would have acted around Momoshiro, seeing him again. That's a thought that makes his head spin a little. Would Momoshiro have freaked out like this, if back at Seigaku he'd found out they used to know each other in kindergarten? Would things be different now? Would everything have changed?

Kaidoh takes a small and tentative step forward, still looking down at the floor. Is everything going to change?

"I had no idea," says Momoshiro. He stares down at the blanket on Kaidoh's bed, still unable to look at him directly without feeling like he should hide under the covers. "You … K-chan … they're two completely different people. Hell, you used to smile and laugh around me, and I can't even manage that anymore nowadays, always acting like a grump. I can't believe you're her …" He doesn't want to believe it either.

Because if he does, then he has to admit that his very first crush had been Kaidoh, and he had also been his very first kiss. And Momoshiro is fairly certain he's not gay.

"It was always me," Kaidoh replies quietly, and now he's kind of embarrassed too, thinking about all those times he cried back then, knowing now that it was Momoshiro who was there to witness all of those weak moments. Momoshiro is right, he has changed a lot since then. He's gotten stronger.

He hazards another small step forward, like Momoshiro's a dangerous animal and he has to approach with caution. He hasn't really thought ahead enough to what he'd do if he reaches him. "I just … grew up," he continues. "Everyone does. No one still acts the way they did when they were five-years-old."

"Are you saying I'm still like a five year old then," says Momoshiro with a loud huff. He side eyes the tentative steps Kaidoh's taking.

Kaidoh rolls his eyes. "I didn't say that, dumbass. But I guess you haven't changed all that much." It sounds weird to say that out loud. To talk about their shared past. To even have a shared past that goes back that far. It still doesn't quite feel real to Kaidoh.

No, Momoshiro doesn't seem to have changed much. He was kissing Kaidoh when he was five, and he's still kissing him when he's in his twenties. Great. Just terrific.

"Seems you haven't either," Momoshiro says in a bitter voice. "Liked me then, liked me now. What a fucking fairy tale."

"Asshole," Kaidoh growls, feeling his cheeks burn and his pulse leap in his neck. He stomps over to Momoshiro and before he can get a word out, punches him in the face. It doesn't give him the kind of satisfying feeling he's used to, but it makes his knuckles sting just the same.

Momoshiro grimaces on impact, feeling it vibrate through his entire body—Kaidoh hit him hard. He turns the other cheek to Kaidoh, silent, his cheek hurting like hell, and then he opens his mouth.

"Did that make you feel better?" he asks in a monotone voice.

"No," Kaidoh admits sourly, his lip trembling a little when he speaks. His hand is shaking and his face is still red. And no, he really doesn't feel better at all, just more frustrated.

Momoshiro slowly turns his face back to Kaidoh again, finally looking him in the eye, even if it does make his entire skin crawl with something creepy. "K-chan was the one who got beat up before, so why are you the one beating me up now?" he asks. It's a nonsensical question, it has nothing to do with anything, but Momoshiro is really at a loss of what to do, how to act. How to fix things ... if anything can be fixed at all.

"Because you're being a dumbass, dumbass," Kaidoh replies, his voice clipped and still on edge. But he lowers his fist and lets his arm hang lamely at his side before adding, "And that's totally not the same thing."

"You're a dumbass 24/7, can I punch you too then?" Momoshiro asks sarcastically.

Kaidoh glares at him. "I'll just hit you back if you do."

"Well that isn't fair, you got me first."

"That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to punch you again."

"You're an asshole," says Momoshiro, glaring. "Stop thinking violence solves everything between us." And for once, that sounds like something very wise.

Kaidoh glares right back at him. "Well what do you want me to do then?" he demands.

Momoshiro clicks his tongue at Kaidoh. "How about giving me back my childhood? Or better yet, my first kiss! That was supposed to be for a girl!"

"Fuck you," Kaidoh grumbles, his chest clenching up bitterly. "You did that all on your own."

"No I didn't," Momoshiro dejects. "You tricked me into doing it. Made me like you, think you were a girl—I wouldn't have done it if I knew you were, well, you. Dumbass."

Kaidoh punches him again, this time in his arm. "I didn't make you do anything, you asshole." His insides are tying themselves up in knots.

So what, if Momoshiro hadn't thought Kaidoh was a girl then he would never have wanted to be friends with him at all? He would never have given him flowers or walked home with him or come to his birthday party? Then there would be nothing to argue about, because nothing would ever have happened between them.

Then what about now? Why is Momoshiro here now? He knows Kaidoh's not a girl but he's still here. What the fuck. Kaidoh feels really confused. And angry. And hurt. And he can only punch Momoshiro so many times before it really does feel like he's just beating him up.

Momoshiro growls at Kaidoh and defensively hugs his arm as if it hurt a lot harder than it looked like. "You definitely did something though," he says. And it's true. Kaidoh acted like a girl, and little Momoshiro fell head over heels for such a cute girl. "This is really stupid, I can't believe I didn't notice—and you never noticed. Ugh. This wouldn't have happened if you just acted uncute from the start."

"I wasn't trying to act like … like … anything," Kaidoh protests, feeling embarrassed. He definitely wasn't trying to act cute. That's disgusting.

"Hah, what, so you're naturally a girl at heart?" Momoshiro mocks.

"Shut up!" Kaidoh growls. "I wasn't acting like a girl!" And honestly, he'd never thought that he was. Sure, his hobbies hadn't been all rough and tough like most boys his age, but he'd never seen them as particularly girly either. He wasn't a girly kid. Well, apart from the dresses. But that wasn't his fault. "I'm a guy and I was acting like a guy. Moron."

"No you weren't. You are now, but not back then," Momoshiro points out. Adult Momoshiro certainly is not head over heels for this Kaidoh. That would be stupid, and frankly impossible.

Because Momoshiro likes girls, and has since he was a wee little kid. It's not because he liked Kaidoh that he formed a crush on K-chan, it's because she was a girl. Yeah. Any girl would have made him feel the same. Then again, that was the past, and now in the present, he's doing weird and questionable things with Kaidoh as well. And that's freaking him out; he's tried to suppress those issues for as long as he could, but being faced with the cold hearted fact that his first crush was Kaidoh is opening up that can of worms, and it's spreading like wildfire.

The issue that Kaidoh is undeniably a man, and yet Momoshiro went ahead and did all those things with him on the island anyway. Things you don't do to another man.

"Now you're definitely a guy," Momoshiro says in a tired voice. He's confused, scared and still angry. This is not what he signed up for when he decided to visit Kaidoh. And knowing what he did expect to happen when he'd see Kaidoh makes his face heat up, because that's disgusting now. It's wrong all of the sudden.

Kaidoh was supposed to be a girl.

"Obviously," Kaidoh says flatly and sits down on the corner of the bed furthest from Momoshiro. He quietly adds, "I wasn't ever a girl." He doesn't know how he can make that any clearer, since Momoshiro still seems in denial about the whole thing, and it's starting to mess with Kaidoh too now. How many other people thought he was a girl when he was younger? How many other people would have treated him differently if they knew he wasn't? That's so … wrong. He feels angry at his mother of all people, like she somehow had a hand in making this happen, in stirring up all these weird and confusing feelings.

But the one thing Kaidoh isn't confused about is how he feels about Momoshiro. Both then and now, he doesn't see how anything changed. He didn't care that Momoshiro was a girl or a boy back then. He just saw a nice kid who actually wanted to spend time with him when no one else would, who seemed funny and interesting and kind. He didn't care that they were two boys. Sure, he'd thought it was a little weird when Takkun was so affectionate with him, when he'd kissed him, when he'd said they should get married, but they were kids. Kids say weird things.

Thinking back on it all now, he wonders if Momoshiro would never have said or done those things if he knew who Kaidoh really was. And that's kind of … well, Kaidoh doesn't want to feel upset by it, since it was years and years ago, but he can't help but feel a little hurt. When he was five-years-old, he'd met a nice boy and he'd liked him and the boy had liked him back and finding out that maybe he never would have liked him at all kind of stings.

And makes Kaidoh angry, too. He wants to shake Momoshiro by the shoulders, because he's being an idiot spending so much time arguing over a kiss that happened over fifteen years ago, when he'd kissed Kaidoh just last week and that had been … totally okay. At least, Kaidoh thought it was. Now he's not so sure. Now he can't look Momoshiro in the eye and see anything but a weird wash of betrayal.

But Kaidoh didn't do anything …

"Whatever," he says with a huff. This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

Momoshiro growls at Kaidoh, huddled up far in the corner, away from the snake. Touching is out the question, that's the last thing he wants to do right now. This is not just a whatever, Momoshiro can't handwave this colossal change to his past. It makes everything different now, what happened to him when he was so young does matter. He'd liked girls from the start, he was hetereosexual from the beginning. He liked K-chan, and even kissed her. Now that she's not a girl anymore, it messes with his perception; that means the first person he liked and kissed was a boy.

And it was Kaidoh of all people too. The guy who was crushing on him during middle school, the same guy who was fooling around with him a week ago—and now also happened to be the boy, or girl, or whatever, that crushed on him as well when they were kindergarteners.

Maybe Kaidoh is just a huge stalker or something. Always stalking Momoshiro, and meeting up at different stages of his life, and then fucking him over.

This is all just way too confusing. Then, how many girls in his life had Momoshiro crushed on for real? He can only remember Tachibana An, whom he had dated for a few months before they broke up. Was she the only one then? But no … Momoshiro jerked off at watching porn magazines of girls with big breasts (though he usually thought they were too fake looking, and kind of funny too) … he's definitely never seen any gay porn! That's gross!

Momoshiro nudges away from Kaidoh, suddenly super aware of the fact that he has XY chromosomes, and that's kind of scaring him right now. So he might not have seen any gay porn … but he has definitely done all those things with Kaidoh. He's done a very good job at not thinking about it too much, and it helps it felt good at the time, but that was the island. They were alone, they had privacy, and no one knew.

Well, they're back in Tokyo now. They have no such privacy, and he's pretty sure his life will be over if anyone of his family knew. Two guys doing those things together, it's just wrong, his family thinks so too, and Momoshiro thinks so as well. The time on the island … it's over now. They can't keep doing those things now that they're home. What was Momoshiro thinking, coming over at Kaidoh's place? They can't, it's wrong and gross, and not right at all. Maybe on the island they were just really lonely and craving for company, and that's why it happened.

But Momoshiro is definitely not into guys, and he doesn't like Kaidoh, and he has always liked girls. They can't ever do this again, or speak of again. That was the island life, but that is over now.

For the longest time, Momoshiro stays quiet as he battles with his inner thoughts, until he finally speaks.

"I need to leave," he says. Yeah, he needs to go, they can't stay together like this.

Fine, Kaidoh thinks, and shudders out a shaky breath of air. If he's going to be an asshole about this, then Kaidoh doesn't really want him here either.

Explaining himself didn't help, punching Momoshiro didn't help, and now Kaidoh simply feels exhausted from glaring and blushing and shaking. He can't even figure out if he's angry or just frustrated. It doesn't help that he can't stop his heart from beating faster just from being in the same room as Momoshiro, as though it hasn't caught on to the situation yet.

Maybe he should have just told Momoshiro to go home when he'd first come to the door. Maybe he should have gone running tonight so he wouldn't have had to see Momoshiro at all.

Kaidoh scowls at the floor, unable to look at him. "Then leave," he says bitterly.

And that stings more than it should have. Actually, it shouldn't sting at all, Momoshiro should be glad Kaidoh wants him gone, then this entire thing would be easier to ignore, easier to pretend it never happened. But instead he just feels ambiguous, undecided, and still really angry and frustrated. Stupid Kaidoh, it's all his fault for making him feel like this, he fucked everything up for him since the beginning.

"I will," Momoshiro bites out. He slides off of the bed, ignoring the slippers on the ground, and stands up, albeit shaking all over. He takes in a deep breath, but it doesn't do much to keep him grounded, or make him feel better at all.

Momoshiro doesn't look back at Kaidoh still sitting on the bed, he ignores him completely as he briskly walks out of the bedroom. He harshly closes the door behind him, and feels jittery all over, and his heart is racing once more. He's out of breath, completely out of energy. Everything feels wrong, everything feels irritating. It really is all Kaidoh's fault. This never should have happened. The island, their time together, should be forgotten. It'll be easier that way. Then maybe he won't feel like this anymore, if he can just push those memories out of his mind.

Kaidoh's parents see Momoshiro come down the stairs and ask him if he's feeling better now. Momoshiro manages to say a few words that he's fine—the complete opposite of what he's feeling—and then bids them goodbye. He quickly puts his shoes back on, ignoring the way his fingers are shaking as he tries to tie his shoelaces, and then slips into his jacket, unable to zip that one up as well, stupid fucking fingers. Fine, he'll leave it open then! He takes in another shaky breath and reaches for the handle of the front door.

Kaidoh listens to Momoshiro's footsteps down the stairs and out towards the entryway, and once he thinks he's out of earshot, and probably even out the door—a thought that leaves a bitter knot in Kaidoh's stomach—he stands up, lets out a frustrated growl, and kicks his chair over so it lands on the floor with a thud.

That doesn't make him feel any better either. He growls and kicks at it again, but only succeeds in making his toes ache. He probably shouldn't be doing this barefoot. He probably shouldn't be doing this at all. His parents will worry.

He huffs, feeling deflated and unsettled, and sits back on his bed, lying down against the pillow. Then he gets annoyed and flings that across the room as well.

He should go for a run. Running will make him feel better. And it's cold and crisp outside, so maybe he can numb himself up enough to stop feeling like his whole body is burning. Because this feeling sucks and he hates Momoshiro for that, but, annoyingly, not as much as he feels like he should. Not as much as he wants to. It would make things a lot less complicated if he did.

Momoshiro is already out in the night, feeling the cold cool his warm body down. He tries to think of nothing as he rides back home, but ends up thinking about everything, and it's not good. It's suffocating. He just needs some time alone. Maybe then he can think straight, maybe then he can stop thinking that leaving Kaidoh was a mistake.

It wasn't it, was it?