Washed Up
A/N: first log of the year.
Authors: Celianna (Momo, Hazue) & Happiestwhen (Kaidoh)
Rating: K+
Events leading up to this log:
- Momo and Kaidoh haven't spoken since the last log (though Momo did send a text message apologizing)
- Momo gets sick with the common cold and is kind of feverish this log
- Both Kaidoh and Momo visit the shrine with their families on January 1st
Date: January 1, 2013
Momoshiro feels like crap.
That doesn't deter his family from dragging him out of his bed, and forcing him to go visit the shrine on new year.
He doesn't want to. He's sick, has got a stuffy nose, body is burning up with a fever, and he's pretty much depressed and confused. He wants to stay in bed all day long and sleep it off, sleep off all his problems and worries, so he doesn't have to think about them, doesn't have to think about how much he fucked things up with Kaidoh.
But it's not like he knows how to fix it. It's not like Momoshiro knows anything at all anymore. He's simply confused, and angry about being confused, and angry at Kaidoh for making him feel like this, but mostly just angry at himself for being unable to deal with it all. He's the one that made it go this far, he's the one that walked out with his tail between his legs.
And it's not like Momoshiro knows what he wants either. He's just confused, terribly confused. He spent most days trying to forget about Kaidoh, about that day, and convince himself that he should forget about their time on the island as well. Because they're back in Tokyo now, and things aren't supposed to be that way. Two guys like that, it's just not … it's just not the same … But boy, who knew forgetting something could be so hard. He can't forget, not when he's thinking about it every day, which just makes him even more confused about what he wants. It also doesn't help his head feels like it will explode; being sick while dealing with these problems is not a good combination.
He'd sent Kaidoh a text message that day, containing the simple word 'sorry', because he knew he was being a childish ass storming out of there. Then again, it's not like Kaidoh ever replied, and Momoshiro thought it was a good idea not to contact him anymore either. It had to end, they couldn't continue this charade.
At least, that's what he thought a week ago, when he was still so angry his heart was racing a thousand miles in his chest, and his whole world felt like it was turned upside down. Now that he's calmed down a bit, he can look back over his past actions, and realize he's done a pretty good job of getting himself into this mess. He wanted to forget about all the things he's done with Kaidoh, whether it was sixteen years ago, or two weeks ago—he didn't want to remember. Remembering makes him confront the issue, that he's got some serious identity problems. That maybe, Momoshiro was wrong about his own sexuality all this time.
And that's just too much to think about.
Momoshiro tried to sleep it off most of the time, but when he's awake, he thinks of Kaidoh, and how wrong this should be, and that he shouldn't—but he can't stop. He wonders what Kaidoh is doing, and what he thinks of this situation, and maybe if he even misses him. No, how could he? Not after he stormed out of there as if Kaidoh was some kind of disgusting virus.
Maybe things would be easier if he did think of Kaidoh like a disgusting virus. After all, Kaidoh did something to him, something to make him question everything about himself, and think that maybe, the things that are wrong, aren't so wrong after all. He's been infected alright. He doesn't know how to get rid of that conflicting feeling within himself.
He's thought about it, what his family would think if they ever found out what he and Kaidoh did on the island. He can already see their disgusted faces, and it breaks his heart. He's already caused them enough trouble—so much that his mother and father's marriage is falling apart. He doesn't want to cause more trouble, because who would want a son that messes around with other guys?
Not that Momoshiro himself wants to mess around with other guys, the thought seems revolting. But when he thinks of Kaidoh (not matter how hard he tries not to), and the things they did … they felt the opposite of revolting. It's confusing how he misses it, yet knows that he shouldn't miss it.
Momoshiro sneezes right into his medical mask. Ew, gross. He crinkles up his nose and almost runs into his sister, who was in front of him.
"Watch it, nii-san," his sister, Yuki, says with a roll of her eyes.
Momoshiro feels like dumping her in a lake full of sharks. He doesn't know why he's here in this crowd, being bumped into by strangers all the time, not to mention it's freezing. His parents seem to be guiding them towards the temple to pray, and all Momoshiro wants to do is crawl back under the covers and never come out. He sighs loudly and keeps his eyes cast down towards the ground. He hopes he doesn't run into anyone he knows, he doesn't feel like talking to anyone.
Kaidoh doesn't really feel much like going to visit the shrine today either, but it's New Year's Day and it's tradition, and at least that's something Kaidoh's always had to rely on. He's spent the past week throwing himself into traditions, in fact, into his routines; running a double schedule of training, folding laundry and doing dishes for the whole household just to keep himself busy, applying to extra jobs. He got a pretty promising response from a convenience store in his neighborhood for the late night shift, and Kaidoh is seriously thinking about it since it sounds better than lying in his bed all night trying to sleep.
His parents don't look like they can decide whether to be proud of his behavior or worried for him, since he hasn't really stopped to catch his breath since that night on Christmas Eve, just powering through routine after routine. When his mother tells him to relax, it's like a weird sting in his stomach, because relaxing, not doing something, means he'd have to sit there and think about things, and that's just about the last thing he wants to do.
Not that he doesn't spend the majority of his runs thinking anyway. He tries to clear his head, but it doesn't help. His heart feels like it's been wound tight, pounding in his chest like there's not enough room in there to contain it. Sitting at the dinner table with his family is awkward, especially when a couple nights ago his father wondered out loud whether Momoshiro would be dropping by again anytime soon, like his family was quite taken with his charm or something. It's obnoxious, and Kaidoh hadn't known what to say, because no, he doesn't think that will happen again anytime soon, if ever.
And being alone in his room is the worst, since now Kaidoh's got an embarrassing shrine of sorts to Momoshiro. Old gifts in his closet that he's still never given to Momoshiro, nor gotten rid of, that stupid pillow from the island, the bag of still unworn sneakers Momoshiro had bought him for Christmas. Opening his closet door is mortifying. Even though Kaidoh shoved all those things to the back, behind his old school uniform and tennis bag, he still knows they're there. He'd thought about tearing the pillow apart, but only managed to get in a couple frustrated punches to that dumb kitty face Momoshiro had doodled on the front before he'd stopped, feeling like it was pointless and unsatisfying.
He hasn't opened the drawers in his desk because he knows there are photos of Momoshiro still in there. There's probably that stupid hairclip somewhere too, since yeah, Kaidoh had saved it. He'd saved everything. That's one routine he'd never been able to break, and it feels like it's come back to bite him.
So he avoids his room, choosing to spend most of his time outside, running along the river. His mother won't let him go out without first covering him in uncomfortable layers of wool and fleece, so he ends up sweating more than usual, his face all red from overheating. But at least she lets him go out. The first time, when he'd gone out for four hours after dinner, she'd asked him about it, a nervous look in her eyes, but she doesn't ask anymore. Maybe she gets it. Maybe she doesn't and just doesn't really know how to deal with him. It's been so long since he's been home that his parents both don't seem to know whether to smother him and Hazue, or walk on eggshells around them.
But it's still winter, and the holidays are important, and Kaidoh certainly hasn't forgotten that, so for today anyway, he's spending his time with his family without complaint or protest. At least the shrine isn't going to dredge up awkward or unpleasant feelings for him. It's not the same one he'd gone to with Momoshiro years ago, after all. Instead it's a small one closer to home, near one of the main train stations. The day is crisp and sunny, but his mother has still wrapped Kaidoh in a scarf, and made him put on a heavy winter coat over his shirt. She won't let him out in just his tank top, arguing that he probably isn't acclimated to this weather anymore. Kaidoh didn't protest, even though he thinks he'd be just fine. He's always been fine.
At least she's not making him wear socks.
The shrine is crowded with people, a throng of families shuffling their way up to the main temple to pray. The movement should be more orderly than it is, but there are children running around, and Kaidoh keeps getting shoved. He manages not to growl or glare, because it's New Year's, and he has to be polite. His father says something about getting something to eat before they go up to the temple, and so they start to make their way across the crowd toward the line of food stalls at the gate entrance. Kaidoh feels like he's caught up in a wave of people. He hasn't been around this many people since that day at the airport when they were all surrounded by reporters. That was just as suffocating as it is now.
Kaidoh tries not to look anyone in the eye, just meanders through the crowd like it's an obstacle course. He's doing well until someone behind him loses their footing on an uneven cobblestone and trips forward against his back and Kaidoh falls forward too, hitting someone hard in the shoulder.
Automatically, he mumbles what he must have said a dozen times already this morning, "S-sorry, excuse me," and looks up to make sure the other person is all right.
Only, it isn't just some random person he's run into. He's just as bundled up as Kaidoh is, and he's got a face mask covering half his face, but Kaidoh still recognizes him easily and it probably shows in his eyes. Immediately his gaze drops again and he repeats, "Excuse me," although this time his voice cracks as he says it.
Momoshiro, who had been looking at the ground this whole time, was about to look up and say it was his fault, probably, but then his eyes lock with Kaidoh's, and he feels his blood turn cold. Oh crap—that was the last person he wanted to run into today.
Quick, maybe he didn't recognize him—he is wearing a stupid mask anyway. Maybe Momoshiro can bow out and pretend they didn't see each other. So he slowly bows his head, while turning on his heel, his back facing Kaidoh now. Just slowly walk away. Slowly.
"Ah, Momo-nii-chan!"
Ah crap, really?
Momoshiro groans and slumps his shoulder as he turns around to face Kaidoh's little brother, Hazue.
"I didn't know you were coming to this shrine too, you should have told us," says Hazue.
Well of course he didn't tell them, idiot. He's avoiding Kaidoh. Which is really hard to do when now there's a blinking beacon of light stuck on his back, signaling to everyone he is Momoshiro and he is here.
"H-hi …" Momoshiro manages to say slowly. He doesn't turn around in fear of being punched, or well, looking at Kaidoh is pretty scary right now. Maybe he can still get away and go back to his own family, who seemed to have left without him.
"Kaoru-nii-chan is here too, oh, there he is," says Hazue with excitement as he spots his brother looming behind Momoshiro's back. "Great! Now we can all pray together, isn't this fun?"
Kaidoh hisses, his breath puffing out into the cold winter air. That sounds like the last thing he'd like to be doing right now, but his brother looks so enthusiastic about the prospect that he can't exactly tell him that no, he and Momoshiro don't want to do anything together, let alone pray at the shrine on New Year's Day.
So instead he just takes a step forward, careful not to bump into Momoshiro again this time, and bows slightly, saying, "Happy New Year." It sounds stilted and formal, almost like they're strangers, but that's all he knows how to be with Momoshiro right now. Or rather, that's all he feels he's allowed to be. Friendly is out of the question. Luckily, Kaidoh's not really a friendly person to begin with, so maybe Hazue won't notice just how weird this is, or how Kaidoh's shaking a little, just from standing there.
Momoshiro doesn't know what to do, he feels his heart has stilled, and yet at the same time he's getting palpitation. Seeing Kaidoh again is seriously terrifying, it's not like they can happily wish each other happy new year, and happily pray together at the shrine. Sometime ago, the thought of doing this with the stupid coldblooded snake, actually sounded sort of fun. But now? After last week? It feels like he's entering a minefield, and has to tiptoe around the mines in fear of him getting blown to smithereens. That's what it's like being with Kaidoh right now, like a ticking timebomb, and at any moment's notice, things can go bad, like really bad.
"Yeah, same," Momoshiro quickly mumbles, still not facing Kaidoh, but looking at Hazue instead.
How can Momoshiro get himself out of his mess, and where the hell did his own family go? His sister was just in front of him!
"I uhh, I can't," he tells Hazue. "I need to find my own family and do spiritual stuff, and the like, so I can't go with you." Momoshiro is amazed he's able to talk like this, what with his throat hurting from the stupid cold he's gotten, and the fact that Kaidoh is standing behind him, and it's giving him goosebumps. Can't he just make a run for it?
Hazue whips his head back and forth. "Where is your family then, Momo-nii-chan?" he asks.
"Well … I seem to have lost them," Momoshiro admits begrudgingly. "They were just here." He needs to get the hell out of here, he can't stay around Kaidoh for a second longer. That timebomb is ticking. He's still shying away from Kaidoh, his body subconsciously nudging away from him.
"Oh, then we'll have to find them for you, won't we, Kaoru-nii-chan?" Hazue asks his brother with a big smile on his face. This way, Momoshiro and Kaidoh can spend time together on new year!
"I think he'll be fine without our help …" Kaidoh grumbles, directing his words at Hazue so he doesn't have to speak to Momoshiro again. In fact, he's trying his best to avoid looking anywhere in his general direction, because doing so is sure to send his pulse into a frenzy.
He may be pretty awful at social situations, but even he can read how icy the atmosphere is, and it isn't just the weather. Can't his brother see how uncomfortable he and Momoshiro both are? Does he really need to spell it out for him? He flushes at the thought of that. No, there's no explaining this to anyone. It's like some horrible silent secret he and Momoshiro have weighing on their shoulders.
"He doesn't look very fine, are you alright, Momo-nii-chan?" asks Hazue, inspecting the mask.
"Ahh I'm just … sick." All kinds of sick, sick to his stomach for example. "And yeah, I'll be fine, I just need to find them."
"Since Momo-nii-chan is sick, I think he needs your help navigating this tough crowd, Kaoru-nii-chan," says Hazue, ignoring Momoshiro's silent plea to leave him alone. "So why don't you help him find his family? Who knows what will happen if he gets pushed to the ground while he's already so weak from being sick!"
What, he's not weak! Or will be pushed around by people! Momoshiro tries to glare at Hazue, but it's very ineffective when he seems to be speaking to his brother. Why can't the little bugger just leave him alone already. Can't he see he's desperately not trying to make eye-contact with Kaidoh, and he's trying to find a way out?
"I doubt that will happen," Kaidoh replies flatly. Unless Kaidoh's pushing him to the ground himself. He's cooled down a little over the past week but seeing Momoshiro again is dredging up a lot of annoyed and frustrated feelings, and if he has to play nice and wander around the shrine looking for Momoshiro's family, it might just push him to his limit.
Especially if Momoshiro's not going to say anything to him.
Not that Kaidoh is planning on saying anything to Momoshiro either, but it's the principle of the thing.
He huffs and gives Hazue a long look like he's trying to communicate his frustration with his eyes, because he doesn't want to have to say it out loud right in front of Momoshiro: I can't do this.
Hazue simply stares back; this is your chance! Why would his brother not take this opportunity to be alone with Momoshiro? He's been trying to convince his brother to contact him, but he's just very shy and doesn't have the courage, but especially this week it has been rough. He's avoided the topic of Momoshiro ever since christmas. Maybe something happened between them, maybe a fight or something. They did fight a lot on the island.
Hazue yanks on Kaidoh's scarf to pull him closer for a more private conversation. "If you and Momo-nii-chan had a fight, don't you think now's a good time to make up?" he whispers to him.
Momoshiro awkwardly stands around, wondering if now's a good time to blend in with the crowd and disappear. They'll never know. He shuffles off to the side, looking shifty with his eyes still not daring to look at Kaidoh—not even his jacket, and he backs up away from them. It would have been the perfect plan to disappear, had there not been another jackass behind him who shoved him so hard, he falls right into Kaidoh this time. His face immediately heats up and he tries to pull himself away from this awkward mess. Within a second, he's away from Kaidoh, as much as the crowd around him will allow him, and coughs a few times in his mask. Fucking damnit. This day sucks like hell.
"Sorry," he says in a gruff voice, without looking at Kaidoh still. "I need to go find my family," he says, as an excuse to get away from them already.
"You should go do that then," Kaidoh replies, in a tone that says he really doesn't care what Momoshiro needs to do. He's surprised by how convincing he manages to sound, given the way his face is all warm and an insistent pounding in his chest seems to be protesting his words.
But he doesn't regret saying them. Momoshiro needs to leave. They can't stay together like this, not when there's tension between them so thick it could be cut with a knife and they can't even look at each other when they speak.
He's sure his brother's intentions are good, but this isn't really a fight they can easily make up from. Actually, Kaidoh isn't sure if this is even a fight to begin with. He doesn't know what it is. But he's sure his nerves will calm down again once Momoshiro's gone. At least, he hopes they will.
"I will," Momoshiro bites back, sounding irritated. He can't help it, he doesn't want to be around Kaidoh right now, not after last week. It's awkward and stiff, and Momoshiro has no idea if it will ever get better or not. But now is certainly not the time. Maybe it never will be the right time, a thought that leaves Momoshiro feeling even sicker—but he's the one that started this after all. Or well, it wasn't really his fault, finding out that Kaidoh was K-chan was no one's fault, but it happened either way. He hopes no one else knows either, Kaidoh better keep his mouth shut. About everything. Even the things they've done on the island.
"Happy new year," Momoshiro says bitterly, before he lets himself get swallowed up by the crowd, eager to get away from Kaidoh and take a breather. He really does feel sick to his stomach. He'd rather be home right now.
Hazue watches Momoshiro disappear, feeling powerless. He looks back over at Kaidoh, a little bit annoyed that he didn't even seem to try, instead he was pushing Momoshiro away.
"He's going to think you don't like him anymore if you act like that," Hazue says, scolding his brother.
Kaidoh scowls. "I don't care what he thinks," he says grumpily, stuffing his hands into the deep pockets of his coat and kicking at the ground.
"That's a lie," Hazue says. Why is his brother acting like this? What happened between them on that day? Perhaps … oh! Suddenly he feels ashamed at not having seen it sooner. He looks down at the ground, kind of embarrassed he hadn't picked up the hints. It seems obvious now; Kaidoh doesn't want to be around Momoshiro and can't even stand to look at him. Even Momoshiro seemed eager to leave the scene.
"Oh, I'm sorry … I didn't realize you had already confessed. Is that why you don't want to see Momo-nii-chan anymore? Did you get rejected?"
Well, Kaidoh certainly feels like he's been rejected. But.
"N-no," he sputters, horrified by how bluntly Hazue is able to ask that. "I mean … Ugh, I don't want to talk about it." He tries to hide his face by burrowing it into his scarf. This is not the conversation he wants to be having. Now, or ever. Talking about Momoshiro seems impossible right now, and talking about confessing, or getting rejected, or any of that other stupid mushy crap is always totally mortifying to Kaidoh.
Hazue smiles sadly. "Alright, I won't ask anymore." He tugs on Kaidoh's sleeve so they can start moving again. "But you can't keep avoiding him forever, for whatever reason you are."
Kaidoh feels a nervous knot in his throat and he tries to swallow it down. No, he doesn't want to avoid Momoshiro forever. That sounds horrible. But he also doesn't know how to fix things, or if they even can be fixed.
"It's his fault," Kaidoh mumbles grouchily. He's the one who left, although Kaidoh didn't try very hard to stop him. Well, how could he have? Momoshiro's mind seemed made up. If he doesn't want to be around Kaidoh, then there's nothing Kaidoh can do. No amount of advice from Hazue can change that.
Hazue keeps quiet for a little bit, simply walking along towards the shrine with their parents a little way behind them (they would never let them out of their sight). He ponders whether or not to ask Kaidoh what exactly Momoshiro's fault was, but he doesn't want to push his brother. He seems to be conflicted about it enough already. But he has to help his brother out!
"... What's his fault?" Hazue asks quietly.
"Nothing," Kaidoh replies evasively. "He's just …" He shakes his head, his fingers balling into fists in his pockets. "An idiot. He's an idiot."
"Well that isn't anything new," Hazue jokes. "Doesn't seem to have influenced you before, so what's so different now?"
Kaidoh hunches forward a little so his voice is muffled in his scarf. "I don't know," he says bitterly. "Ask him."
Hazue shrugs. "Okay then, let me go find him." He starts to walk a little bit faster so he can push himself through the crowd.
Kaidoh groans exasperatedly—he hadn't meant literally!—and takes several long strides to catch up with his brother and grab his coat to get him to stop. "Don't …" he pleads. "You'll only make it worse."
"Worse than you two not talking right now?" Hazue says with a frown. He stops walking. "I think anything's better than that. Why won't you tell me? I already know … most of it, so, just let me help you."
The little Kaidoh sighs, then shakes his head a bit. "I'm sorry, I know you don't really want to talk about it … Maybe we can when we get back home? I'm sure we can figure something out."
"Yeah," Kaidoh says distantly. "But it's … complicated." And annoyingly, that's kind of the truth. Somehow things between them have become messy and insurmountable in a way that seems impossible to resolve. This isn't something they can just "figure out"—and, stubbornly, Kaidoh doesn't see why he's the one who needs to figure anything out in the first place. He's not the one acting like a moron over things that happened over a decade ago.
Things with Momoshiro were supposed to stay simple. At least, that's how it felt up until now, with them both acting on instinct and not wanting or needing to talk about what they were doing. Now that they're avoiding each other though, that same silence is beyond frustrating and Kaidoh doesn't know what to do.
"No matter what, I'm sure things can become okay between the both of you again. I mean, no offense Kaoru-nii-chan, but you two are pretty simpleminded." Hazue tries to stifle his laughter. "I guess that makes you two perfect for each other, hehe."
Kaidoh winces and huffs out a breath. "Don't say things like that," he hisses. Because it's embarrassing, and makes his heartbeat do a weird skip. And anyway, it's not true.
"Alright, alright—let's save that for later. Now it's time to go pray!" Hazue starts tugging on his brother's arm to get him to the front of the mass and enter the shrine.
Momoshiro is nowhere to be spotted, but Hazue does notice Kaidoh is eyeing everyone with a medical mask, as if it's someone to be wary of. It makes him wonder what kind of fight they had. If Kaidoh didn't spill his guts and profess his undying love for Momoshiro and got rejected—then what else happened for Momoshiro to treat him so coldly? Well, he'll just have to wait until they're home, and alone, and not anywhere near said subject they're going to discuss. Though Hazue feels kind of bad for Momoshiro, he really did look sick.
They pay their respects at the shrine, ring the bell, clap their hands, and pray. It's the most normal thing Hazue has done in forever. He's happy to be back in the civilized world though. After the shrine, they eat some food on their way back home (Kaidoh seems relieved to not have bumped into Momoshiro again), and all in all, they were gone for about two hours. New years day is pretty busy, and Hazue got some cool snake souvenirs from some stalls.
At home, Hazue makes some small talk with his parents, but when he sees Kaidoh slipping away as if suddenly he's got some place to be (or someplace to run to), he excuses himself and quickly follows Kaidoh up the stairs.
"Kaoru-nii-chan, don't tell me you're preparing to run right now," he says with a grimace. He stops right in front of Kaidoh's door as he sees him go in. They were supposed to talk—no running allowed! And he certainly won't be talking and running with Kaidoh, that would be the death of him.
Kaidoh shrugs. "I was going to, yeah," he says flatly. After that awkward encounter, he wants to do something to take his mind off things, and running has always been his escape.
Hazue stubbornly puts his hands on his hips and blocks the doorway. "Not until you've told me what's up with you and Momo-nii-chan."
"There isn't much to tell," Kaidoh lies, feeling his face heat up under his brother's scrutinizing gaze. More accurately, there isn't much he wants to tell.
Hazue ushers Kaidoh back into his room, and makes sure to close the door behind him. "If you don't want to tell me the details, that's fine, but I have to understand why you two won't speak to each other. It's kind of jarring, you were really close to each other on the island … so what happened?"
Kaidoh sits down on the bed and digs his fingers into his palms. "I don't … I don't know really," he says. "Things are just different now." That and Momoshiro seems to think Kaidoh destroyed his childhood.
Hazue slowly sits down next to Kaidoh as well, at least this is a start. Kaidoh's not running out for one, so that's good.
"Different how? You mean being back home? Yeah … that's different alright."
"Yeah," Kaidoh replies. His whole body feels tense. He doesn't want to talk about this, and wonders how much he'll have to say to get Hazue off his back. "I think maybe too much has changed," he says vaguely. Getting off the island was enough of a shock for them both, but discovering they've known each other for much longer than they thought, and the way Momoshiro reacted to that … well, that turned everything upside down and what was previously only precarious now feels shattered, and Kaidoh doesn't even know what to say to Momoshiro now.
"I guess so …" Hazue trails off, thinking about all the changes in his own life. Luckily they're not as drastic or bad as some of the people who had been stuck on the island for almost a year, but he still has to repeat a year to graduate high school. And he's back to living at home again. "Yeah, you're not living with Momo-nii-chan anymore, for one. I bet you miss that, huh."
Kaidoh looks away, trying to hide his face. "I … yeah," he admits quietly. "A little. I mean, whatever."
"It's okay to admit you miss it, Kaoru-nii-chan," says Hazue with a small chuckle. His big brother can be so bashful sometimes. "Even I miss some parts of the island life! I actually miss Echizen-san too." But he's getting off track here … "Anyways, if you feel like that, missing your time together, then what's stopping you from seeing him right now?"
Kaidoh's mouth pulls into a frown. "I don't think he wants me to see him," he says, bitterness creeping into his voice. And Kaidoh doesn't really want to see Momoshiro either if it means having the same uncomfortable non-conversation they did at the shrine. That's not really something he wants to go through again.
Hazue kicks his feet off the ground, leaning back into the bed some more. "Why, did he tell you that?"
"No," Kaidoh grumbles, "but he didn't need to."
"Hmm, did you say something to make him not want to see you anymore then? Like insulted him or something, which I find hard to imagine, all the slurs you tossed at each other on a daily basis, I'm still surprised you find that 'normal'." Hazue still can't wrap his head around their 'fighting' together, it's a side of his brother he's never seen before, but one that only Momoshiro draws out. So maybe is a good thing? Maybe.
Kaidoh sighs. "I didn't do anything," he says exasperatedly. "But he …" He tries to think of how to explain it without actually explaining it, because telling Hazue that Momoshiro kissed him when they were in kindergarten is really hard to say out loud. "He wants me to be … someone else." Namely, a girl.
"Uhh," Hazue isn't that smart. "What do you mean? Like, does he want you to change your habits or something? Oh! You mean running? He's always complaining about your running. But then again, he did buy you those new shoes, hm …"
"Not running," Kaidoh says, sounding frustrated with himself for still being stuck in this conversation and not outside by now. Because now that Hazue's mentioned running, Kaidoh really wishes he was doing that instead. "More like … things … aren't the way he wanted them to be." He hisses and his forehead pulls into a bewildered look. "It's just complicated now."
"I see … so what does he want you to be? Has he said that? Seems odd for him to say." After all, he and Kaidoh—aside from their frequent bantering—seemed to get along just fine. In fact, Momoshiro is probably the only person who can get along with his brother so well. They really are perfect for each other, which is why Hazue is so stumped what went wrong to made them so serious about avoiding each other.
Maybe Momoshiro wanted Kaidoh to be more happy. He knows his brother can be quite a grump, and is reluctant to go along with anything (even getting him to talk about this is a chore!). That seems like a plausible reason.
Kaidoh fidgets with the blanket on his bed. "He didn't need to say anything," he mutters.
"I'm confused—then what did he say?" Hazue thinks Kaidoh might just be misunderstanding, or misinterpreting something Momoshiro said or did.
Kaidoh tries to remember. Momoshiro had accused Kaidoh of tricking him, of making him think he was a girl, of making him like him back when they were kids. He'd adamantly declared that he never would have done any of those things if he'd known who Kaidoh really was. That he'd never have liked Kaidoh if he thought he was a guy all along.
But Kaidoh doesn't know what that means for them now. Momoshiro had been so worked up about their past that they didn't even talk about their present. Does that mean Momoshiro won't like him now either, knowing what he knows? Maybe he already doesn't anymore. Maybe he never really did and Kaidoh was just coasting along on wishful thinking all this time.
He looks back at his brother, his brow furrowed in thought. "He didn't say much, actually," he admits. He'd gotten out of Kaidoh's room pretty quickly, but to Kaidoh, anyway, the message had seemed pretty clear. That being, that Momoshiro didn't want anything to do with him. "But you saw him today," he continues, his mouth settling into a thin, despondent line. "He couldn't seem to get away fast enough."
"To be fair, you didn't seem to want to be around him either, but yeah, I saw it." Hazue sighs, wondering what kind of mess they had gotten into. "Then what suddenly changed though, he was fine with you before, and he came to visit you on Christmas … he even bought you a present! That has to mean something, right? He can't suddenly stop wanting to be around you unless something happened." But then again, Kaidoh doesn't want to tell him any details.
Hazue sighs again and looks down at his hands. "Do you think if, whatever had happened that day, didn't happen, that he'd still want to see you?" he asks, sounding gentle and comforting.
Kaidoh looks down at his hands. "I don't know …" he says. Everything seemed up in the air and uncertain even before that. He doesn't know what Momoshiro would have wanted, and knows even less what he wants now. Everything shifted so suddenly that he pessimistically wonders if maybe Momoshiro would have taken any excuse to cut things off between them. Like this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Because to Kaidoh, it doesn't seem like such a monumental game changer. But then, that's because Kaidoh has known all his life that Takkun had been a boy, so he can't really understand Momoshiro's reaction.
But if that hadn't happened, if his mother hadn't been so damn pushy with the photo album, then maybe, just maybe things would still be fine. Or maybe, like some ticking time bomb, it would have come to the surface either way, and they'd be in this same mess again, just a little further down the road. The past can't stay buried forever, and to be honest, Kaidoh's glad he knows. Yeah, some part of him is kind of glad it was Momoshiro all along, but he can't really let himself dwell on those feelings because each time he thinks about it, all he can see is Momoshiro's face, looking confused and repulsed and angry about the whole thing. And that makes Kaidoh wish he'd never found out at all.
"I don't know what he'd want," Kaidoh says honestly. He's having trouble figure out what he wants now. Because he hated seeing Momoshiro earlier today. It was uncomfortable, and awkward, and made him want to run away, or punch things, or both, but at the same time, he feels this dull ache in the pit of his stomach that he recognizes as the feeling of him missing Momoshiro. Because he does. And he can't figure out if it will be easier to try and just forget about him and get over it, or try and figure out how to get Momoshiro to talk to him again and fix this mess. Because both seem like very difficult tasks.
"I guess the only way to find out would be to ask him, no?" Before Kaidoh can complain and protest, Hazue puts a hand on his shoulder. "It has to happen, you know … otherwise nothing is going to change if you both sulk and ignore each other. I think a good talk would be nice. About whatever it was that made Momo-nii-chan avoid you. Hmm, do you think you're prepared to go see him?" If he needs to, Hazue will come along and talk to Momoshiro himself!
"Oh, he's sick—you should drop by and give him some healthy food to get better."
Kaidoh grimaces. "I'm not so sure that would be a good idea …" he grumbles. His tried and true philosophy has always been simply avoid-avoid-avoid. And that has served him pretty well up until now.
"Would you rather not see him ever again?" Hazue asks back. He just needs to convince his brother to be more assertive, to take the initiative, because for once he can't rely on Momoshiro to do it, if what Kaidoh says is true. Making amends starts with small steps, so the first step would be to contact one another. Speaking of contact, does Kaidoh even know where Momoshiro lives?
"By the way, do you know where he lives?" asks Hazue. Maybe they can look it up on the internet or something.
"Uh … No," Kaidoh replies blankly. He has no idea. He's never been to Momoshiro's new house, and thinks it would be kind of weird, maybe even rude, to just show up, especially under these circumstances. When Momoshiro does dumb, impulsive stuff like dropping by randomly at someone's house, Kaidoh doesn't even question it. If Kaidoh did it, it would just be embarrassing. He can't just go see Momoshiro, can he? Just the thought of that makes him nervous and he doesn't even have Momoshiro's address yet.
"Uhh, maybe he has it on his Facebook profile then. I remember he had one, so it has to be there. Wait, let me go get my laptop. I'm so glad mom and dad didn't throw that one away," says Hazue with a sigh of relief. They sort of didn't throw anything away, and turned everything into some weird shrine, which was kind of creepy when he first saw it.
Hazue smiles at Kaidoh before he slips off the bed and quickly leaves the bedroom to retrieve his laptop, but right before closing the door he says, "Don't go running, stay," as if Kaidoh is some kind of dog that doesn't listen and always wants to run off.
Kaidoh huffs and leans forward, propping his crossed arms on his legs. This still sounds like a bad idea to him. He doesn't want to do anything to make things worse between him and Momoshiro. Then again, he doesn't really know what could be worse than nothing, which is what's between them right now. So maybe he can go ahead and continue to humor Hazue a little.
Going as fast as he can (he's eager to help), Hazue retrieves his laptop and walks back to his brother's room. He sits down on the bed next to Kaidoh and props the laptop on his lap. Good thing it works still. He opens it up and starts up his browser, quickly going to Facebook and searching up Momoshiro Takeshi.
"Uhh," he says, as a list of thirty Momoshiro Takeshi flash by. He looks at Kaidoh. "Well, you know him best, pick him out," he says. He pushes the laptop onto Kaidoh's lap instead. "I guess whichever one is a resident of Tokyo would be him. Unless there's more people with the same name living there. Kind of weird."
Kaidoh looks at the names. Momoshiros in Sendai and Osaka and Yokohama. He picks out the first one listed in Tokyo, and the profile pops up with a picture he recognizes and suddenly he feels like a sixteen-year-old stalker again. This is embarrassing. Why is he even doing this?
He thrusts the computer back at Hazue. "There," he says flatly, his cheeks feeling warm and red.
"Oh," says Hazue as he scans the screen.
Our beloved Momoshiro Takeshi, we will never forget.
"Well this is ... awkward."
Kaidoh looks over his brother's shoulder at the screen. "What the hell?" he sputters.
Where Momoshiro's profile page once was is now a weird virtual memorial. There's even comments of condolences from people—some of the names Kaidoh recognizes as old classmates. Some people have posted links to their own photos of Momoshiro, or recounted their memories of him in short anecdotes.
Hazue is right, it's awkward as hell. And kind of creepy, even though Kaidoh knows that Momoshiro is alive and well. Well, maybe not entirely well, since he was coughing and sneezing earlier, but he's not going to die from the common cold. He wonders if Momoshiro even knows this exists. He can't, right? If he did, the dumbass would have taken it down.
Kaidoh's suddenly really glad his own parents aren't the type to go browsing around the internet. He'd be mortified if there was a site like this floating around with his name on the top instead.
"I guess he hasn't checked this in a while," Kaidoh says.
"I guess not … well, it hasn't been that very long either. You should tell him that when you see him next time," he jokes.
"Yeah …" Kaidoh isn't really sure how telling Momoshiro, Hey, did you know you're dead on Facebook? would go over right now. It might just get him punched in the face.
"It'd be a great icebreaker!" Hazue says with a laugh.
Kaidoh laughs weakly. "I guess so," he says. But then he would have to admit that he was looking up Momoshiro on the internet in the first place. Well, technically he wasn't the one to do the search, but he's pretty sure Momoshiro wouldn't see the distinction, and Kaidoh doesn't want to do anything to make Momoshiro more wary of him than he already seems to be.
"Alright, let's see if he has his address listed somewhere …" Hazue awkwardly dodges around the many, many messages posted on his wall (he was quite popular, wasn't he?), mostly consisting of 'he's alive!' and 'fake!' and 'R.I.P.'.
Hazue navigates his facebook and sees that his address is set to private. Well shoot. He'd need to friend him to see it.
"Ehh, you wouldn't mind if I did …" says Hazue slowly as he logs onto Kaidoh's facebook. "If I …" The mouse hovers onto the 'friend' button. "Added him as your friend." Click. "Right?"
"Hazue," Kaidoh hisses, his eyes wide and horrified. He doesn't want Momoshiro to know he was looking!
"It's okay, he doesn't even know he's dead, he's not going to see. Someone else must be managing his facebook now." Hazue shrugs and sits back. No big deal.
Kaidoh eyes his brother warily. "You're sure he won't find out …" he says in a nervous voice.
"Not unless he looks ... and I don't think he will. I mean, he hasn't figured out he's dead yet, so." Hazue tries to convince Kaidoh that it's not a big deal.
RIght after he says that, he sees a notification pop up on Facebook. He clicks it and sees Momoshiro accepted him back. "Look, now you're friends!" he says excitedly.
"Great …" Kaidoh replies, not sounding terribly enthusiastic. It's kind of weird to think about him and Momoshiro being friends. Even if it is just Facebook and even if Hazue is probably right about someone else managing Momoshiro's account now.
"Let's see … his address, hmm." Hazue clicks around a bit, going to his full profile information, and sees his address. "There, write it down. Oh hey—that's pretty close! I didn't realize he lived so closeby."
"Yeah, that's … weird," Kaidoh says, and then his face flushes as he realizes that now he's going to have to change one of his running routes because it goes right through Momoshiro's neighborhood.
Hazue smiles though. "At least it means you don't have to go far." Then again, Kaidoh likes running. "So uhm, you should … go … sometime. Bring him some oranges, or some miso soup, or even rice porridge. Anything to make him feel better. And then, well, try to talk. Get some answers." Hazue gives his brother two thumbs up. "Do your best!"
Kaidoh sighs. Well, Momoshiro does like food, so maybe it's not a terrible idea. "I'll think about it," he says, still sounding reluctant.
"Just do it before he gets better, because that would be weird bringing him food without a reason." Hazue smiles at him apologetically. "So within this week, okay? You just need to get him to talk, it's better than nothing."
"Okay," Kaidoh concedes, "I'll do it." He's agreeing in part because he hopes it will get Hazue to leave him alone about this, since it's not exactly the easiest topic of conversation for him. And because he hopes that maybe there's some grain of truth to what Hazue says. That it'll be better than nothing. And that he won't regret it.
"Great! So let's say, tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow, which one would you like; sooner or later?"
Kaidoh feels put on the spot. "Uh … Would it be weird if I go tomorrow?" he asks, like he's trying to stall the inevitable. "Since I just saw him, I mean." He doesn't know much about what's socially acceptable when it comes to things like this. Actually he doesn't know if things like this even have socially acceptable terms or not, since it's probably not a very common problem for the rest of the world. But he doesn't want to seem like he's hunting Momoshiro down right after their awkward run-in.
"I wouldn't think so, I would think it's very thoughtful of you to visit him when you found out he was sick," Hazue notes. If anyone came to visit him the next day if he was sick, he'd appreciate it. Then again, he doesn't really have any problems with anyone, so that might not count here. Momoshiro might not want him to come when he's sick, hmm.
"Which one feels scarier, tomorrow, or in two days?" Hazue decides to ask.
"Neither one sounds too great to me," Kaidoh admits grumpily. He refuses to use the word scary when pertaining to Momoshiro though. Because that would be stupid.
"Perhaps the sooner the better, no? Then it would seem more legit that you're visiting him because he's sick, and not because you know—you want to go straight into talking things out with him. That might scare him off."
Kaidoh huffs. "Fine. I guess I might as well get it over with." Then he'll have less time to freak himself out about it.
"Great!" Hazue pats Kaidoh on his back. "Now write his address down on some kind of paper."
"Yeah okay." Kaidoh fetches some scrap paper from his desk—the back of an old envelope mailing from his college—and writes down the address carefully. He'll probably have it memorized by the end of the day, since despite his best efforts, he knows he won't be able to focus on much else now. Which has always been the annoying thing about Momoshiro; even when Kaidoh is trying his hardest to ignore him and not think about him at all, he still does.
"Okay, so go tomorrow. Send him a text message saying you're coming over, so he knows." Hazue doesn't want his brother to go—after gathering up all his courage—and be left standing in front of an empty house.
Kaidoh grimaces. "I guess …" he says, feebly. He can't think of the last time he's sent Momoshiro a text message, completely unprompted. Actually, he probably never has, and it's kind of a terrifying prospect. But Hazue might have a point. And texting would be less weird than just showing up at Momoshiro's house unannounced.
Hazue takes the laptop from Kaidoh's lap and closes it. He stands up and bows at his brother.
"Do your best, Kaoru-nii-chan, don't leave until you guys sort it out. I know you two will, you're best friends," he says with a smile.
Kaidoh gives his brother an incredulous look. Best friends? "Uh … Yeah. Whatever." That's the last thing he'd think they are.
"Great, go tomorrow then, but don't go too early, he might be asleep, you know, because he's sick and needs lots of rest." Hazue bows his head again, then skitters out of the bedroom.
He really hopes his brother and Momoshiro can solve whatever fight they had gotten in, and work things out. He'd hate for Momoshiro to stop talking to Kaidoh—they were getting along so well! He quietly sends his prayers to his brother, and hopes it'll go well tomorrow.