Washed Up
A/N: forgot to update this! For the latest updates, go to the community Sea Scribbles on LiveJournal.
Authors: Celianna (Momo) & Happiestwhen (Kaidoh)
Rating: T
Events leading up to this log:
- Kaidoh sends Momo a text message that he's coming over with food.
Date: January 2, 2013
For once, Kaidoh isn't running.
No, he's walking along the sidewalk at a turtle's pace, like he's trying to drag this journey out for as long as possible rather than just face the inevitable. But he can't back out now. That text message to Momoshiro basically sealed it for him, and he can't just not show up now that Momoshiro knows he'd planned to come over. Which is both a good and bad thing. Kaidoh wishes he could still back out, but at the same time the feeling of obligation and responsibility is helping him to muster up the courage to get this over with and not be a total chicken.
He's really annoyed that the thought of seeing Momoshiro has twisted into something scary for him. Almost on the same level as being trapped in a tank with zombie fish ghosts.
It's ridiculous. Momoshiro is stupid, not scary, and so is this whole situation.
If this had happened back when Kaidoh was in middle school, if he'd learned then that his rival was actually this sweet little kid who gave him blue flowers every day out on the playground, then he would probably have been shocked too. So he's tried to see it from Momoshiro's perspective. But it's hard when Kaidoh honestly never felt like he was acting like anything other than himself. Sure, he's not the same person he was then, but was the disconnect really that jarring? Maybe it's just hard for him to perceive the change since he was the one doing the changing.
But Kaidoh's sure of one thing: He was never a girl. And it's not his fault if Momoshiro didn't know that. And it's not his fault if Momoshiro can't deal with that either.
Well, maybe this is his way of dealing with it. Just ignoring Kaidoh forever. When this happened before, when Momoshiro stopped contacting Kaidoh, it had been easier to brush it off and move on. Kaidoh hadn't wanted to seem like a stalker. He didn't want to chase after Momoshiro if he didn't want to talk to Kaidoh anymore. He'd accepted it and gotten over it.
Well, as much as he could be expected to get over it.
But now, that feels too much like giving up, and it's hard for Kaidoh to forget about all those months spent on the island together, even if now they feel more like fantasy than reality. Kaidoh has always been good at fighting, so he figures he'll try to fight for this too. He can't continue to brush it off with indifference and act like he doesn't care, that it's not important, because he does, and it is. And he thought it was to Momoshiro, too.
At each intersection, Kaidoh hesitates, thinking how simple it would be to just turn around and go home. But he'd made an agreement, he'd set out to do something and he has to see it through. Even if it feels impossible and his feet feel like lead dragging along the pavement. He hasn't even walked ten blocks but it seems like forever.
Actually, the next block is Momoshiro's; Kaidoh has been keeping track of the numbers on the buildings. Why do their houses have to be so close? It makes his pulse jerk under his skin, like it's trying to break free, because this really is terrifying.
He has no idea what Momoshiro will say or do. He doesn't even know if he'll be home. He didn't respond to Kaidoh's message, so maybe he didn't even receive it. A lump forms in Kaidoh's throat as he thinks about all the ways this could go wrong. Well, Hazue is right, it can't get much worse than it is now.
It had taken him an hour just to send the message. He'd tried writing it a dozen different ways. Angrily, apologetically, in the form of a question. He settled for being simple and direct. And mentioning the food since that, at least, would hopefully keep Momoshiro from saying no.
He wishes it weren't so complicated, that he could just walk up to Momoshiro and punch him and Momoshiro would punch him back and they'd be okay again, back to themselves. Because the Momoshiro that Kaidoh encountered yesterday felt like a stranger and he'd acted like he thought Kaidoh was a stranger too. Or, more accurately, he'd acted like Kaidoh had some rare strain of plague and he had to avoid him at all costs. Not that Kaidoh had acted much better.
But now he's gathered all the boldness he could scrape together within himself and is going to just go up to Momoshiro's house and face him head on. He just hopes he can keep his feet from running off and taking him with them, at least not until something gets said.
He looks up and sees Momoshiro's house up ahead, and immediately hunches into his shoulders. He's thankful his mother shoved a scarf around him before he left so he has something to hide behind, and he has a bandana on his head because it felt comforting and familiar in the face of a very unfamiliar and intimidating situation.
He grips the bag of oranges and the bag of soup and steels himself to march up to Momoshiro's front door. But he doesn't end up marching so much as shuffling timidly. Each time he sees movement across the windows of the house he feels watched, like Momoshiro is readying the battlements and is going to fire arrows down on him if he gets too close.
But he reaches the door, and no one's attacked him, and, miraculously, he's still standing. He hits the doorbell with a tentative finger, half hoping it's broken and no one will hear him and he'll have yet another chance to escape.
But instead he hears it chime inside the house. He hisses nervously, waiting.
Momoshiro is having a crisis of sorts.
The moment Kaidoh had sent that text message—which had woken Momoshiro up from his sleep, he felt as hell had just frozen over.
Kaidoh texted him that he was coming over. A feat so rare, it had never occurred before. Like, ever. Kaidoh nevers texts him, and he certainly doesn't drop by Momoshiro's house either. For a brief moment, Momoshiro wonders if aliens had stolen Kaidoh's phone, and are playing pranks on him by sending text messages to his contacts. And since Momoshiro is pretty sure he's Kaidoh's only contact, that means he's the butt of the joke. Or maybe his imagination is going a bit wacky here. He blames his fever.
So yeah, Momoshiro is already quite panicked because this is something Kaidoh would never do, and also because this entire situation is just so crazy, and new, and he has no idea what to do. Aside from panic, that is. He's been having a really high fever since last night, and that certainly does not make matters better, it just makes it hard to think. And breathe.
In fact, it's hard to do anything at all. Even sending Kaidoh a message back seems like an insufferable task. Maybe if he doesn't send anything to confirm he got it, Kaidoh will assume he didn't get it, and stay home. It's both a relief and a disappointing thought. It's not like he doesn't want him to come over … or well, he's just scared, and jarred, and a bit messed up—but he does know he could never say no to Kaidoh. Not when he's finally coming over, regardless of how terrifying that really is.
After their run-in at the shrine, Momoshiro had bolted straight out of there. Mostly because he was confused, and kind of scared, and still needed to sort things out with himself before he could face Kaidoh. He's been trying, after coming home, trying to get his thoughts in order, willing himself to calm down and to stop thinking of Kaidoh, and how he probably thinks he's an asshole for the very brief meeting at the shrine.
It's still hard to imagine, that the sweet girl K-chan had been Kaidoh all this time. But as time went by, Momoshiro's been gradually accepting that fact, noticing that there are indeed similarities between the two. Shyness for one. K-chan had been huddled in the corner when he met her, and the day he met Kaidoh, he'd been kind of shy too. Then there's the fact they both like blue, and have a thing for cats—and they have the same dark blue eyes. They are one and the same person, and it simply makes Momoshiro more confused.
He was under the impression K-chan was a girl, and therefor he liked girls … but knowing that it was Kaidoh all along, doesn't that mean he likes boys? The idea of Momoshiro liking boys feels foreign, weird, and kind of wrong, so he doesn't dwell too long on that idea.
Momoshiro has tried to picture the grown-up Kaidoh as a girl, and instead got into a nervous fit of laughter, since the image was just too weird and funny. No, Kaidoh definitely does not have a feminine face. He's got hard angles, a defined jaw, and scary looking eyes. Even his eyebrows are scary, or that might just be because he's always scowling at everything. Kaidoh looks quite normal when he's not feeling annoyed. Either way, imagining Kaidoh as a girl right now seems … wrong. Like it doesn't fit. And Momoshiro doesn't know why he's even imagining things like that.
Would it honestly make him feel better if Kaidoh was a girl? Would that make things feel right? Would they have been boyfriend and girlfriend if they had known who they were when they met again in middle school?
It's weird.
Momoshiro can't imagine not getting into physical fights with Kaidoh. He wouldn't do that if Kaidoh were a girl. They wouldn't keep each other on their toes, always competing with each other—it would be very mundane, and actually kind of boring.
So yes, in a way, Momoshiro is glad Kaidoh is not a girl. But that also means he's been doing perverted stuff like kissing and jerking off with a boy.
It's so frustrating for Momoshiro, to feel like this. On one hand—even if he won't admit this to himself—he liked all of those things. But on the other hand, he knows he shouldn't. Right? They're guys … and he likes girls … and this is really conflicting.
Momoshiro figures he should try to get out of his slump tomorrow, and perhaps re-evaluate his own life (which frankly, is sort of a mess right now). And what that would mean for Kaidoh. What that would mean for their futures and their pasts. It was a noble plan, that is, until he woke up with that stupid text message that notified him that Kaidoh was coming over.
And that snake didn't even mention a time!
Momoshiro's been busy panicking in his room, wondering when Kaidoh would be coming over, and feeling his heart stop beating whenever he thinks there's someone at the door. He tries to do a quick and dirty clean-up of his room (tissues everywhere), since it's a pig stall, and he can't exactly let Kaidoh know he's been a huge mess. From being sick, of course, not because of other reasons.
And because of other reasons, which he won't ever admit out loud. Or maybe that's the root of the problem anyway; that he can't admit anything out loud. Stupid logic.
But mostly, Momoshiro is extremely scared of what Kaidoh is going to do when he comes over. He must have a reason, a really good one if he's never done anything like this in his entire life before. Visiting Momoshiro's house just … isn't what Kaidoh does. Or well, did. He never seemed to come over to his house during those five long years that they lost contact (though to be fair, Momoshiro did move). So why the change of heart all of the sudden? Is it because of their 'thing'? Their fight? Or is Kaidoh coming over to tell Momoshiro how much of an asshole he is, and never wants to see him again. The thought makes Momoshiro's body shiver with something unpleasant; he doesn't want Kaidoh to say that … that'd be … that'd be … Just not right. But what if that's why he's coming over?
If that's the reason, Momoshiro won't open the door. He'd rather not hear it then. He's already a mess, he doesn't want to be kicked while he's already down.
This is stupid, why is he freaking out so much just because Kaidoh is coming over? He should be happy! This is something he had imagined countless of other times before, and he thought it'd be awesome if Kaidoh would drop by, because he wanted to hang out with Momoshiro as if they were pals. Not that he'll ever tell Kaidoh this. Anyways, it was once a very nice thought, but now, now he's just scared what Kaidoh has to tell him. He knows he's been a douchebag, and he really needs to sort things out for himself, but he hopes Kaidoh isn't dropping by with bad news …
With a strangled cry, Momoshiro flops back down on his bed, feeling exhausted from his cold, and from fussing over Kaidoh coming over. His heart is racing from anticipation.
Some long ten minutes pass by, and it feels like an eternity. Momoshiro is still lying in his bed, staring at his clock, and wondering if perhaps Kaidoh is not coming over after all.
When he hears the doorbell chime, that thought turns into an uncomfortable weight in the pit of his stomach.
He's here.
Oh crap Kaidoh is here.
Momoshiro doesn't know what to do. Open up the door? Leave him there? Wait for his mom to open? Send him a text message that he lives at a different address? Hide under the covers and pretend he isn't home?
While Momoshiro is busy fretting in his room, his mother opens up the door downstairs. Momoshiro's thoughts grow silent. He's in the house. For a few minutes, Momoshiro's eyes are strained at his own door, and he waits, waits for Kaidoh to come up the stairs. He hears it, faintly, the footsteps of someone heavy, taking hesitant steps up the stairs. Quick Momoshiro, think of what to say when he gets here. Hello? Yo? Asshole? Why are you here?
Momoshiro swallows this lump in his throat and pulls the covers over his body, backing up against the end of his bed so he sits up straight.
Another minute passes, and Momoshiro doesn't know if Kaidoh is standing at his door, or if he's still walking up the stairs. Either way, it's terrifying, and Momoshiro actually starts to tremble a little bit. Then he hears it, a faint knock.
"C-c-c-come in," Momoshiro speaks in a broken and squeaky voice. He clears his throat, embarrassed at that failed attempt, and tries again. "Come in …"
Kaidoh opens the door cautiously, like it's the entrance to a haunted house rather than Momoshiro's bedroom. Then he winces a little like he's expecting to get punched. But he doesn't, because Momoshiro isn't waiting on the other side with fists raised. Instead he's sitting over on the bed, looking just as sick as he did the day before, if not worse. Which makes Kaidoh relax a little in relief. Hopefully Momoshiro is too sick to feel like punching anyone right now
"H-hey," he stammers, finding words to be more difficult than he thought they'd be. His hands are shaking slightly. They feel as though they're holding weights instead of oranges and soup, and it takes considerable effort to hold up the bags like some pathetic peace offering.
He determinedly holds Momoshiro's gaze, even though doing so makes him more nervous, and asks, "How are you feeling?" He doesn't just mean physically. He wants to know how Momoshiro feels about Kaidoh coming over, about Kaidoh in general, about whatever is going on between them, but he doesn't know how to ask that. It seems too embarrassing to say outright.
Momoshiro is feeling like his insides are tying themselves into huge knots, and that's nauseating, and he almost feels like throwing up right on his bed. But he holds Kaidoh's gaze—if he won't look away, neither will Momoshiro—thinking it will prevent him from puking his guts out.
"Like crap," Momoshiro answers honestly. His fever is making his entire body feel hot, and the embarrassment that washes over him from Kaidoh being here simply makes matters worse.
It makes Momoshiro feel a little bit more relieved when Kaidoh isn't looking that great either. Not sick-wise, but, he clearly feels uncomfortable being in Momoshiro's room. Then again, he probably has a good reason, seeing as both of them have this … thing going on.
Momoshiro looks around his room for a bit, wondering what the best route for escape is. Not that he can get away from here. Kaidoh seems to be having the same sentiments though, and Momoshiro—for a small inkling of time—feels a little bit proud that Kaidoh came over at his house all on his own. It's also very scary, because then they both know Kaidoh is here for Momoshiro. And that makes him feel nauseous yet fluttery.
"Uhm, sit, or something," says Momoshiro reluctantly. He's cleaned off the floors from his tissues, but with all his other clothes still thrown around, there isn't much space to sit anywhere. Great. "There," he ends up saying, nodding his head towards the end of his bed. He pulls his legs up to make room.
Kaidoh sits down on the edge of the mattress, and tries to make his body relax. The way he's sitting makes it look like he's poised to bolt from the room at a moment's notice, and that's not really the best way to start things off.
So he passes the bags of food to Momoshiro, and then says, "These are for you, to make you feel better." It sounds really stupid to say it like that. Like Kaidoh's planning on nursing Momoshiro back to health with oranges and miso soup.
In an effort to distract from that embarrassing thought, Kaidoh keeps talking, adding, "My mother helped me make the soup. There's some potatoes and carrots in it. It should still be warm." He's a bit relieved that his vocal cords are producing words at all right now, but he's not supposed to be talking about soup. That's not why he's here. Well, its a reason. But it's not the reason.
He still doesn't know if Momoshiro even wants him here. He looks just as nervous as Kaidoh feels, and Kaidoh can't figure out if that's good or bad. He looks down at his now empty hands, then, uncertainly, back up at Momoshiro. "If you want me to, uh, leave …" he starts to say.
Momoshiro looks down at the bag, his eyes suddenly chickening out of looking directly at Kaidoh. No, he doesn't want Kaidoh to leave … it's just really weird to have him here.
So he decides to bite down the bullet. "N-no … it's okay." And it is, but … more importantly … "Just … why are you here?" Momoshiro knows Kaidoh didn't drop by to give him—he checks the bag—oranges and soup, he had to have an ulterior motive. And he certainly hopes it's not telling him he's an asshole and doesn't want to see him anymore.
Kaidoh's mouth twists nervously and he digs his fingers into the sleeves of his jacket, pulling them over his palms.
"I wanted to, um." He doesn't know what to say. Fix things? Make things right? Make things normal? "See you," he finishes. Oh god. Did he really just say that? Quick, say something else. "Errr," he stammers, trying to come up with something less embarrassing-sounding. "I mean, to talk about … stuff." That's why Hazue told him to come over here, right? To talk things out? Whatever that means. Kaidoh isn't used to talking about things like this. To be honest, he's not really that used to talking at all.
Momoshiro can feel his cheeks burn even hotter. At least his sickness masks his stupid embarrassment.
Yeah, he knew that's the reason Kaidoh's here. Why else? This is just one giant mess, and for once, Kaidoh is coming forward and wants to fix it. It's sort of admirable, and any other time, Momoshiro would have given Kaidoh a pat on his head and tell him he's a good boy. But that was then, this is now, and Momoshiro still feels uncomfortable now. His head is a mess. However, he knows this has to happen, sometime. Talking that is. Talking is scary. They've never talked before, their fists did all the talking.
Though if Kaidoh would punch a sick person right now, that would make him a pretty big asshole. Maybe even a bigger one than himself.
Momoshiro cups his hands around the cold steel of the thermos, buying more time before he has to answer, before the silence becomes too uncomfortable. He unscrews the top, and sees steam rise from it. He doesn't smell a thing, what with both his nostrils plugged up (which is why he's talking so nasally), and he doesn't have much of an appetite either. He should probably thank Kaidoh's mom though. And maybe Kaidoh himself, too.
But first …
"Yeah … I figured," Momoshiro says very slowly and hesitantly. He's afraid of what's to come, how this conversation will go. Kaidoh was always easy to understand, since he didn't talk much, but Momoshiro understood his actions. Now? They have barely looked each other in the eye, much less use actions to convey their thoughts. Using words … it's different, it's scary. Even Momoshiro, the guy who always has something to say, can't find the words to start.
So he figures he'll start off by apologizing for being an asshole, in case Kaidoh was going to call him one and then punch his face after all. "Listen I uhh …" he looks down at the soup again, afraid of looking at Kaidoh. "It was stupid to just … leave." He feels his heart beat even louder now. He hopes he won't have a heart attack. "At the shrine too … sorry for being such a jerk."
"Yeah …" Kaidoh says, still fiddling with his sleeves. It's like he hasn't quite gotten used to having them on shirts, but at least it gives him something to occupy his hands. He glances up and then back down again at his lap and feels like he should say something in return. "And I … Uh. Sorry for punching you." Even though he still thinks Momoshiro deserved it. But when it's not really a fight, and the other person isn't hitting back, it's harder to justify.
Just don't punch him now. "It's ok …" This is awkward, with them both apologizing. It's making Momoshiro feel like there's nothing else to say, when there's so many things in his head he needs to say.
But how? How can he make Kaidoh understand when Momoshiro is frazzled himself? There's still some confusion stuck in his head, and there's some pressing matters he needs to deal with, but when Kaidoh's sitting next to him, his mind goes kind of blank. It doesn't help he also feels a little excited, memories from the island floating up. Treacherous memories; he shouldn't be thinking of that now. Instead, he sips some of the warm soup, feeling it relax his throat a little bit.
Maybe he should start with what happened on Christmas. Since that seems to be one of the reasons why Kaidoh is here, and the only reason why this entire thing started.
But what does Momoshiro say? What can he say? Yes, he freaked out finding out about this, but in hindsight, it's not as frightening as he initially thought it was. It's not about Kaidoh being K-chan, it's about the complications that arise from Momoshiro being faced with the fact he's liked a boy. Which also happened to be Kaidoh, the person he's been doing ... stuff ... with.
It's all really complicated, and a bit too much to handle for Momoshiro's puny brain.
"Uhm, I want to say …" Momoshiro starts, not knowing at all what he wants to say. "That uhh … I'm not like angry at you or anything. For being K-chan I mean. It's just … well, confusing. For me." Everything is confusing to Momoshiro. From feeling conflicted about the things he's done with Kaidoh, and feeling ashamed at wanting to do those kind of things as well. He can't even explain how confusing it is.
Momoshiro fiddles around with the thermos, rocking it back and forth very gently to see the soup swirl around. "I don't hate it or anything, k-knowing it was you," he mumbles bashfully. This is really awkward to say out loud.
The knot of tension Kaidoh had been holding in his shoulders loosens a bit and he relaxes, relieved to hear that Momoshiro isn't mad, and doesn't hate him. It's not the kind of conversation he's ever imagined them having—going this long without insults is not something he's used to—and he's glad Momoshiro sounds nervous about it too.
And Kaidoh kind of … gets it. Well, not entirely. But he's avoided and ignored things before, because he was confused by them. Or, rather, scared by them. Hell, Kaidoh is a little confused now too, namely by how he has the courage to be here in the first place. Getting here and staying here is a feat for him and he's trying not to let his anxiety get the best of him.
"Is it … confusing for me to be here now?" he asks hesitantly. Is this making things worse? Is this weird? It certainly feels weird to Kaidoh, but strangely, he also feels better than he did the whole previous week of not seeing Momoshiro at all.
"A little," Momoshiro admits. He starts playing around with his blanket, gripping it and releasing it as if he's still nervous. He never imagined having to talk about things like this with Kaidoh. "It's a first," he says. "You … uh, being here." And well, everything else.
"I remember you gave me that notebook back in middle school. Heh, you said I was lazy, and sloppy too. When I looked through it again, you had all my notes corrected—with a red marker!" In this weird and nerve wracking situation, Momoshiro takes a small moment to himself to reminisce in his past memories. He smiles a little before looking down at his blanket again. "That's the only time I remember you coming over, without me telling you to."
And Momoshiro has told Kaidoh to do lots of things, so when he does it on his own, it just makes it … more important? It definitely creates an impression on Momoshiro, that's for sure. Something must have changed for Kaidoh to do this, and Momoshiro knows it's because of him. Because of them both. Kaidoh's come to look for answers, hasn't he? Well, Momoshiro would like some answers as well, but everything is still too … fuzzy. Yeah, fuzzy. Like it's on the tip of his tongue, but just can't find the right words to describe it. It's highly irritating.
"But I guess this time …" Momoshiro sips on the soup again, just to stall a little bit more time. He releases the cold steel from his lips, and his eyes finally dart back over to Kaidoh again, this time a bit more confident. "You came for some answers, huh."
Kaidoh huffs. "Something like that, yeah," he says weakly. It's weird to admit out loud, because Kaidoh doesn't usually ask Momoshiro for anything, and coming over to his house to ask why everything's changed seems like an especially tall order. Mostly because doing so means he has to first acknowledge that there is something going on between them at all, and he's been trying to avoid doing that since he hasn't had to for so long and now it feels embarrassing.
"I mean," he continues, "I didn't really know what to think when you just left like that." He still isn't sure what to think.
"If it's any consolation, me neither," Momoshiro says with a nervous chuckle. Okay, now's not a good time to joke though. "Err, sorry." It's pretty obvious to the both of them (or the entire world) that Momoshiro had not been thinking at all, and was clearly confused, so he high-tailed out of there.
But what can he say? Momoshiro barely knows how to put his weird mess of emotions into thoughts, let alone actual words.
"Let's just say you sort of forced me to … confront things," Momoshiro mumbles. Yes, namely having to deal with the fact he's had a crush on a boy. And he's been doing really weird things that he shouldn't be doing with boys. And all of that had been locked away pretty nicely, ignorance was a bliss—until that fateful Christmas night. He eats some more of the soup, despite not being hungry at all, but it gives him something to do aside from sit in silence with a flushed red head.
"Oh," Kaidoh says, not really knowing how else to respond to that. He doesn't see how he forced Momoshiro to do anything, when all Momoshiro did was look at some old—and embarrassing—picture. But he's not so dense to not realize that whatever this is must be bigger than just that.
He looks over at Momoshiro, a slightly wary look on his face. "And that's … um. Good? Or … is it bad." He isn't sure. Does confrontation always have to make things this uncomfortable?
"Uhh—I don't know. Bad?" Momoshiro sure doesn't feel like he's been sleeping in a bed of roses, that's for sure. This week's been generally confusing and tormenting to him, especially since he still can't shake the feeling of wanting to see Kaidoh again. He wants to blame this on the fact that they've been on the island together for so long, that it's natural to miss it, but he knows this is not the case.
Kaidoh hisses. Well how does he un-confront it then? If it's a bad thing, then how do they fix it? Kaidoh's used to dealing with everything through running, or fighting, but he can't really suggest either of those things to Momoshiro right now.
"Was it better when you didn't see me?" he asks, because he's pretty good at avoidance himself. If he doesn't acknowledge something, then it doesn't exist. Or at least, that's how it's supposed to work in theory. And if he's part of the problem, then maybe Momoshiro's doing the same thing.
Momoshiro looks up, feeling offended all of the sudden that Kaidoh would think like that. "No—I mean. I wanted to ... that's why I came over in the first place. Ugh, things have changed, that's all there is to it … and I don't know." Momoshiro doesn't know a lot of things. For example, what he should do with himself, and what he should do with Kaidoh.
"I don't want to wash up on another abandoned island just to see you again," says Momoshiro with a huff.
"Me either," Kaidoh agrees quietly. But at the same time he feels like there's some kind of invisible hurdle they have to leap over in order to go back to normal, and running into each other on the island, no matter how improbable and jarring, still felt easier than this. "So then …" He clears his throat, even though there's nothing trapped there but a bundle of awkward nerves. "What do you …" He doesn't know how to finish the sentence. He wants to ask Momoshiro what he wants from him. What he needs Kaidoh to do to make this okay. But any way he puts that thought into words sounds stupid.
"I …" Momoshiro takes in a shaky breath. "I ... don't know," he says again, feeling like this is the only thing he can answer with. It's frustrating, really frustrating he feels like he doesn't know anything anymore. Can't even give Kaidoh any concrete answers.
He sighs defeatedly and finally puts away the soup, setting it on top of his night stand. "Sorry, I'm not really answering anything like this … it's just I don't know myself." And he's been trying to make any sense of this whole ordeal, but hasn't had much luck. "We're home now … what was on the island, it's different. We …" Momoshiro's voice gets stuck in his throat and he doesn't know how to finish that sentence.
We can't go back to that time on the island anymore? Such a frightening, but very real thought. It's true they can't go back to a time where they enjoyed all the privacy in the world, where Momoshiro could continue to live in blissful ignorance and denial. But now that world has been taken away from him, and he's thrown into the real world. Where he doesn't have any sort of privacy anymore. Where people will watch him, judge him, and if anyone knew what he did with Kaidoh … he doesn't even want to think about what would happen then.
And accepting the fact that he did do those things with Kaidoh, and liked it, is really taking a toll on his mind. For a guy who's always liked girls, suddenly being confronted with his very real actions (definitely not a fantasy), he just doesn't know what to do. What does Kaidoh want him to do anyway?
"What do you want me to do?" Momoshiro decides to ask in the end. He feels sick still, like none of this talking has made him feel any better. But he is happy to see Kaidoh came over.
Kaidoh lets out a frustrated hiss of air. "I don't want you to do anything!" he protests, because it's too hard to say, I just want you to act normal again. He doesn't even know what that would mean. Maybe this is normal. Maybe before was just … well, Kaidoh isn't sure what it was now.
He shrugs, looking down at his lap and feeling a little defeated. He doesn't have a course of action, he doesn't have a plan, he doesn't know what to tell Momoshiro to do. He doesn't know what to do himself.
"Yeah, things are different now," he concedes, and then adds stubbornly, "But … I'm not. And you're not. Or at least, you don't have to be." He knows it's not that easy. Their whole lives have turned upside-down since they came back. Instead of living in a vacuum—a secret world of just the two of them, where they could do as they please—they're both surrounded by their families now, by the world in general, by real life. It's weird, and for Momoshiro, maybe it's much weirder than Kaidoh realized.
And Kaidoh knows it's selfish, but he's irritated with Momoshiro for being so weird about it, because things aren't supposed to be uncomfortable with him of all people. When everything else around them is changing, Kaidoh had hoped that this, at least, could stay the same. But even this feels off, like pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit together and just jamming them into place isn't going to work. He doesn't know what will work. Talking doesn't seem to be getting them anywhere, probably because talking to each other about anything serious is not really one of their strengths.
Of course he's different now, Momoshiro thinks bitterly. After all, he disappeared for nine months, and during those months, he came out with a heavy secret, the secret of fooling around with Kaidoh Kaoru, a man.
Momoshiro knows what Kaidoh means though, even if he isn't putting it into words all that great. He's saying he doesn't want things to be different between them now. He had probably been hoping for the same thing as Momoshiro; to continue what they had on the island. Well, that was before Momoshiro was confronted with actually doing those kind of things with another member of the same sex. And well, what would their families think? Momoshiro doesn't even know what to think himself, he's mostly just confused, and he's definitely not accepting it himself. There's just no way …
"No, I'm definitely different right now," Momoshiro says begrudgingly as he looks away to his left, to the soup. "Do you really think I'm still the same Momoshiro you met on the island in the beginning?" he asks. Because after that, everything did change for him.
After five years of not seeing each other, Momoshiro miraculously came upon Kaidoh, and he's been changing little by little ever since. He slipped into his old ways of bothering Kaidoh, picking fights with him, insulting him. And then there was some new stuff, like asking Kaidoh to give him presents—stupid presents. Complaining about his running even more than normal, and in general, he was unable to leave Kaidoh alone. Not a day passed where Momoshiro didn't seek Kaidoh out, where he didn't talk to him (fat lie, he did in fact, not talk to Kaidoh after that had happened), where they didn't do things together. Then even more things started happening, from extremely embarrassing, to extremely pleasurable events. And now that Momoshiro thinks about it, it becomes really clear to him now; he is different, and nothing can change that.
Kaidoh's the one to blame, it's all because of him. It's easier to think like that, than to think that perhaps, maybe, Momoshiro … that maybe he … and he doesn't! Does he? No! He can't, even if his entire body protests against that idea, even if he seems to long for that same warm touch still, feeling the need to crawl up against Kaidoh and lie his head down in his lap and let his hair get stroked.
Why does it have to be so hard now? Why does the real world have to be like this? Momoshiro feels guilty and ashamed for having these kind of urges, for indulging them too. They just grew inside of him, blossoming until he couldn't ignore it, and acted on them. Oh he's acted upon them plenty of times, but right now—despite still feeling the same—it seems like the scariest thing on earth.
What if someone knew? What if someone saw them? This isn't right, or is it? He's not allowed to do those things, is he? He never thought he'd be doing them himself, but the entire time spent on the island proved him otherwise. Those things happened, he had really been the first one to kiss Kaidoh, and made a really embarrassing scene about it afterwards. God, he had felt so dirty back then, but that didn't mean the urges disappeared. They still haven't, even sitting here with Kaidoh on his bed, he still feels his heart thump in that meaningful way, how the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight, and it's downright confusing because he knows he shouldn't.
Doesn't Kaidoh know he shouldn't as well?
Or is he here because he doesn't know? Or perhaps even disagrees with it entirely.
"Kaidoh, I …" Momoshiro stops, the words not coming out as it should. What does he want to say? What does he want to know? "Maybe it's easier for you … but I, I don't know. I had been pretty involved in my own life, and everything was pretty normal, until I took that stupid cruise ship and got stranded on the island. It was fairly normal still, but then you showed up out of the blue. Hadn't seen you in years, didn't even know what you were doing, if you even played tennis still. Knew nothing, really. It was kind of annoying to not know. And even more annoying when the reason those five years had gone by in silence is because of a really stupid mistake. I had still wanted to hang out with you, but yeah, we just stopped. But then you were there again, I felt like I was fifteen years old all over again, heh. We kind of fell into our old routine again, didn't we? Lots of fighting, lots of bickering, stupid competitions … Up till then I was still pretty much the same, I guess."
Momoshiro fiddles around with his thumbs, his throat feels like it's burning from talking too much, and it's preventing him from getting out the next set of sentences. "Yeah … up till then." But both he and Kaidoh know something changed alright, and with it, Momoshiro became different as well.
Never once had he thought about smashing his mouth into Kaidoh's before, but after that day, it was all he could think of.
Kaidoh frowns. So … what? Does Momoshiro wish he was still like that? Is he annoyed that Kaidoh's the reason he isn't? Fuck that, if Momoshiro changed, it's not Kaidoh's fault! It's not like Kaidoh made him different. Does he want to go back to the way he used to be? The way they used to be? Maybe Kaidoh doesn't really fit into Momoshiro's life in the real world the way he did on the island. That's kind of a scary possibility to think about … it's also kind of scary for Kaidoh to admit to himself just how badly he doesn't want that to be true.
"Well, people change …" he says slowly, and glances over at Momoshiro with a look on his face like he's trying to reassure him, but the expression sits awkwardly on his mouth, because he isn't really used to doing something other than scowling. "But I don't think it's such a bad thing." He doesn't think any of the ways Momoshiro changed are bad at all. Yeah, even the stupid cheek-pinching.
How badly Momoshiro wants to hear those words, that it's not such a bad thing to be like this, yet he knows it is. The world thinks it is.
Momoshiro hides his face behind his hand, staring hard at his stupid bedsheets. "Other people think so," he grumbles.
"Other people are stupid," Kaidoh says grumpily, because it's been his opinion that they generally are, and he's pretty sure that, if nothing else, isn't going to change.
Momoshiro chuckles at that, feeling a little tension evaporate into thin air. Life would be so much easier if he could simply say people are stupid, and do whatever he wants. And for a few months, that was his life—the island opened him up to the possibility of not caring what other people think. To keep secrets. To share things with Kaidoh that he knows he couldn't do in public. Momoshiro has this feeling that Kaidoh doesn't realize this. Or perhaps he's come to terms with it? He's known for a long time after all … he'd known Takkun was a boy from the start.
"What about family then? Are they stupid too?" Momoshiro asks. He doesn't want his family to know, to find out. He'd be shunned forever.
"No, of course not," Kaidoh replies matter-of-factly. That should go without saying; obviously there are exceptions. "They're fine. I mean, well, you've met them so you know that."
Momoshiro shakes his head with an exasperated sigh. "No Kaidoh, not like that. What if both of our families … knew?" he stresses the last word, despite feeling nervous saying it out loud. It's probably the closest word he can muster up to describe what they've been doing instead of outright admitting it. That's too embarrassing, not to mention frightening.
"Oh," Kaidoh says, his voice sounding weird, like it's been temporarily displaced. His face flushes with understanding and he looks down at the floor since it seems safer than looking at Momoshiro. "Um. I don't … I don't know."
"Yeah …" Finally he gets it. Momoshiro doesn't seem to feel any better about it though, that he finally brought up the subject, that Kaidoh finally seems to be understanding what he means with 'I don't know'. Because now what? What do they do? What shouldn't they do?
"I don't know what … what they'd do. People are stupid, so if anyone knew … It's just, ugh—frustrating. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what's okay!" Momoshiro says with a desperate sounding voice. He coughs a few times since his voice went too high and forced him to calm down a little bit. He pulls his blanket up to his chest, wishing he could hide underneath it. Wishing he could hide from the world.
Kaidoh grimaces. "Well, it's not like I want anyone to find out either," he says lowly, in a tone like he's annoyed to even be talking about this right now. Which he is, as it's kind of mortifying to mention it out loud. That's supposed to be off-limits.
Then, does Kaidoh understand? Understand Momoshiro's inner turmoil about whether this is wrong or right? "Then you must … realize it, right? That it … this I mean—" why is it so hard to find different words to talk about the thing they're not supposed to be talking about!? "—isn't … right?" His voice comes out coarse, it hurts, and his entire body shivers for a few seconds.
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Kaidoh grumbles, sounding defensive. It's not like he has any frame of reference to compare it to. For Kaidoh, this is it. He doesn't know how things are supposed to be, just that, for him anyway, this way fits. It's neither right nor wrong, it just is what it is. And sometimes it's weird and even scary, and definitely embarrassing—because Kaidoh doesn't do these things with other people—but that doesn't mean he wants it to stop. That doesn't make it wrong, does it? He isn't sure. After all, he's embarrassed by a lot of stuff.
Momoshiro throws his hands up in the air. "Well! I mean, you knew!" he says defensively. "I mean, you knew I, as Takkun, was a boy from the start … yet you, did all that. And even in middle school, then too." He looks at Kaidoh, a bemused expression on his face, like he doesn't know if it's alright to ask this. "Didn't you ever stop to think about it?"
Kaidoh glares at him, his face feeling far too warm. "What good was that going to do?" he demands. "It wouldn't have made it stop."
Back then, thinking about it definitely only made things worse, because then it became all Kaidoh could focus on. It had been better to just run and train and run some more and try not to think about all the weird feelings he had messing about inside of him. And now … now Kaidoh's spent so many years trying to ignore it that it's just become some kind of unconscious part of himself. He doesn't need to think about it, because that's not going to change anything.
Momoshiro has to question just how long Kaidoh has been 'ignoring' this problem, in favour of being completely ignorant to it. Then again, not like he can talk, he was doing the same thing on the island. Where everything was a fantasy, and everything was okay and fun, and he and Kaidoh didn't need to have stupid talks. Momoshiro could punch Kaidoh in the face, and Kaidoh would knee him in the gut, and then perhaps they'd kiss and make up.
Then he realizes what else Kaidoh was saying. It wouldn't have stopped? He's talking about … that, isn't he? About liking him. Momoshiro feels his face flush with blood again, despite knowing that this is old news. He already knows Kaidoh liked him, back then. And well, K-chan was a given too then … but it still makes him feel like he's lying around on cotton clouds, bathing in the warm sun. It was in the past though, so Momoshiro shouldn't be acting so shy all of the sudden, it's not like Kaidoh still—wait.
Ah crap, no, he does. Doesn't he? That's the entire reason why they're doing this in the first place. Momoshiro feels even more adrenaline rush through his body. This is bad, he might just pass out from clogging up his head with too much blood.
"S-so … what does that mean?" Momoshiro asks quietly. "You've already like, accepted it then?" He blushes even more at the word 'like'.
Kaidoh looks down at his hands, his fingers curling into fists. "Uh … Yeah," he says, although he sounds far from certain. Well, it's not like he's given much thought to it, and now Momoshiro's awkwardly putting him on the spot with all these questions he never wanted to or thought he'd have to answer. "I mean … I guess. I don't know."
Okay good, that means Kaidoh's still confused as well, and he's not leaving Momoshiro behind in this mess. But that also means they're both two idiots who don't know what they're doing, and Momoshiro doesn't know which one of the two is better.
He'll settle for them being idiots, because that's what they've always been. Two simpleminded idiots.
"Well that's helpful," Momoshiro says with a puff of air. Before Kaidoh can even look indignant, Momoshiro already opens his loud mouth to speak his next words. "Well, I mean, that just means we're both ... confused." And that's not really an ideal situation to be in. "I don't know how to un-confuse it. Especially after all that."
"You're the one making it confusing," Kaidoh mutters. He'd been content to try and not think about it at all. Which, admittedly, was probably not ideal, but it certainly felt less weird than this conversation does. He wishes they could go back to not talking about it, although that probably would also mean going back to them not talking period, and that isn't something Kaidoh wants to repeat.
It's not like Momoshiro can help it. It's like he's been hit in the face with reality, knowing that certain things are not acceptable in real life. It had been a wake-up call from their time on the island.
"So what … you're okay with everything then?" Momoshiro asks. Kaidoh has no issues or problems whatsoever? It's just him who is slightly freaking out about it?
"I didn't say that …" Kaidoh protests, because he doesn't know if he is or isn't. Of course it's embarrassing and awkward for him, but maybe not for exactly the same reasons it is for Momoshiro. Actually, Kaidoh is probably more okay with it than he is with most things—he's here talking about it after all—but given how he is with most things, that still might not be saying much.
He sighs. "I don't know about everything, but I guess I'm okay with you at least." Immediately he grimaces at how idiotic that sounds, and, in an attempt to dismiss it, quickly adds, "Or whatever."
Momoshiro feels his face heat up and he immediately looks down at the hands in his lap to avoid Kaidoh seeing him like this. That's probably the most blunt thing Kaidoh's ever said, and Momoshiro's heart feels like it's spinning and skipping around in his chest; it's happy. He doesn't know how to respond to that though. Isn't Kaidoh saying that he's okay with Momoshiro, and that means he's okay with doing those things with Momoshiro? Now Momoshiro feels even more pressured to come up with an answer, to untangle this horrible mess of feelings. But where to even start?
Momoshiro's hands clasp together; they're clammy from sweat. He can't tell if it's because he's already feverish, or because he's anxious. Either one could probably work. He can't believe he's going to ask this …
"Does that mean … you uhh … w-want to? With me." Momoshiro still can't spit out any specific details about their 'thing', as that is mortifying, and he'd probably die on the spot from a heart attack.
"I-idiot," Kaidoh stammers, the word stumbling out of his mouth like a knee-jerk response. And for a moment he can't seem to make himself say anything else. Momoshiro's question has rendered him temporarily mute, not because he doesn't know his answer, but because he's terrified of saying it out loud. Especially since right now he doesn't know if it's even what Momoshiro would want to hear.
But somehow he finds his voice again, and looks over at Momoshiro, looking in spite of the fact that he knows he's blushing, and can see that Momoshiro is too, and he answers very quietly, "Yeah." His voice cracks a little as he says it, but amazingly the rest of him remains intact.
Momoshiro's heart just about died on the spot, refusing to beat in a regular pattern, and instead going so fast, even his breathing is speeding up. His entire arms and even legs are covered in goosebumps, and he makes an attempt to hide them underneath his blanket. He wants to pull it up all over his head as well, because damn, he can't stop blushing, and this is really embarrassing.
But it also feels like a good kind of embarrassment, it's not entirely unpleasant. No, far from it, it feels like this hopeful adrenaline rushing through him, and the urge to just throw himself at Kaidoh is nagging him incessantly.
However, the good feeling doesn't last, as Momoshiro remembers why they're like this in the first place. Why he has seconds thoughts, why he has doubts. If anyone found out … their entire lives could be ruined. Their families could shun them, and if he had a job, he might even get fired, too. So just like that, the goosebumps disappear and there's this wretched feeling settling in his stomach, this awful dread, and it's a knot Momoshiro can't untie—he doesn't know how to make it right. It truly is confusing. But Momoshiro knows he needs to make a decision. One that Kaidoh has already made, he's okay with it. He wants to continue, with him. A small flutter of hope enters his heart again, but is crushed by the reality of their actions.
Time. He needs time. Momoshiro can't decide on the spot, his throat is burning and it feels completely dry, unable to form words. And his head feels like it's going to explode, both from the fever and all that stupid girly blushing he's doing.
A decision does need to be made though. There's only two possible options: quit doing whatever it is he had been doing with Kaidoh before (which he doesn't want). Or continue doing it with Kaidoh, but risk everything. It's a lot to think about.
"I …" Momoshiro cast his eyes downwards once more. It's hard to look at Kaidoh right now. It makes him feel like a hundred different emotions at once. "I ... Need to think about it," he finally concedes.
Kaidoh's mouth curls into a slight frown, his first instinct being to feel irritated by that. Like Momoshiro managed to drag an answer out of him but now isn't offering one himself. Like it isn't a fair fight somehow, and Kaidoh feels exposed and vulnerable, wishing he'd kept his defenses up and not said anything at all.
But that feeling passes, because it's kind of irrational to be upset with Momoshiro for not knowing what he wants, since it took a very long time for Kaidoh to let go of his own avoidance and denial and come to terms with it himself. And he still isn't all the way there.
"Okay …" he says, sounding a little uncertain. If Momoshiro needs to think about it, then Kaidoh will let him think about it. He's okay with waiting. If he's learned anything from his stupidly ongoing fixation on Momoshiro from middle school until now, it's patience. And the best ways to keep his mind distracted, of course.
Momoshiro grabs his blanket tightly, feeling like he's offending Kaidoh or something, or pissing him off by saying that.
"Uhm, I mean I just … need to sort things out, yeah." He looks up at Kaidoh, and one thing he does know for sure; he doesn't want to stop seeing him. "But I do know that I ehh … can't seem to leave you alone, so whatever happens, I still want to hang out with you." Momoshiro swallows; that took a lot to admit out loud.
Kaidoh nearly smiles at that, only just barely managing to suppress it. At any rate, he isn't scowling anymore though, and the nervous itch that had been working its way through his chest subsides. "Good," he replies hastily, then amends it in a slightly more detached tone, "I mean, sure. Cool. If you want."
"Just first let me get better from being sick, because thinking with a fever pounding on my head isn't really a great idea. And uhh … I'll let you know … I guess. I'll think about it. Promise."
Momoshiro does have some serious thinking to do, and he hopes a few more days will give him enough time to sort everything out, to come up with a clear decision. Because it isn't fair to Kaidoh either, that he's already made his decision, and Momoshiro is just trying to catch up. It sort of feels like Kaidoh's got the upper hand here, and the instinct within him can't accept that part; he will get there too. Even if he has to isolate himself from everyone on the world, he will figure it out.
"You okay with that?" Momoshiro decides to ask anyway.
"Yeah," Kaidoh says. "I'll just, uh … leave my phone on." For once, he actually sounds like he's encouraging Momoshiro to call him, which he should be really embarrassed about, but it doesn't seem nearly so bad in the context of the rest of this very weird and awkward conversation. In fact, he doesn't hardly even blush while saying it.
He stands up and looks over at Momoshiro. "Um. I guess I'll go, then." Then, as if he's remembering his manners, he quickly adds, "Feel better," in a tone that sounds stilted and unnatural, even though he does mean it genuinely. It's not his fault if it's not really the sort of thing he's used to saying to Momoshiro.
There's a slight twinge in Momoshiro's heart that is crying out; don't leave. Even though he's the one that asked for more time alone to think about it. His mind is very contradictory … it's rather annoying. But still, having Kaidoh leave just like that, he feels he needs to do something … anything, really. So he throws the blanket off of himself and slips out of his bed—nearly tripping on his long pajama pants—and he stumbles over to where Kaidoh is, finally closing the distance between them.
"Then uhh, I'll let you out," Momoshiro says sheepishly, his eyes shooting away from Kaidoh's, and resting on his own two bare feet.
"Okay. Thanks …" Kaidoh replies. It's hardly something Momoshiro needs to be doing, especially when he's this sick, but Kaidoh's not about to refuse the offer.
So they make their way out of Momoshiro's bedroom and down the stairs, neither one of them saying anything. The whole time Kaidoh can't help but be conscious of all the chances he has to brush his arm against Momoshiro's … chances he doesn't take, not that he doesn't want to. He does, but at the same time, he doesn't want to make things any more confusing and risk freaking Momoshiro out.
When they reach the front entryway, Kaidoh turns to Momoshiro and says, in a low voice that sounds a lot more composed than he feels, "Well … See you."
Momoshiro tries to smile, though he's not entirely happy with Kaidoh leaving. But either way, he came over, and they even managed to talk. Not a lot, and there's still some confusion, but it helped. The next few days, Momoshiro will be sure to straighten things out, because he doesn't like the fact that Kaidoh is waiting on him, like he owes him one or something. He also doesn't like that fact that they're still this close together, and his body is hinting that it wants them to be closer, to touch. He's been dying to do that for weeks now, but in plain sight? At his house? While he's sick?
"Yeah … I'll call you," Momoshiro says. Then he raises his hand, as if to give Kaidoh a friendly punch, but that hardly seem appropriate right now, so it awkwardly turns into him brushing his hand up against Kaidoh's jacket. And just like this, his mind kicks into overdrive, and takes control of his movements. His fingers dig into the fabric to get a hold of it, so he can yank Kaidoh closer to his own face, and he places a kiss on the side of his cheek in a flash. He pushes him away and backs off as well, face flushed, and heart beating way too fast.
"Bye," Momoshiro mumbles, before closing the door, and letting out a breath he'd been holding all this time.