Chapter 5

(Madge POV)

I let myself cry against Gale's chest until the tears no longer fall. Everything he just revealed to me, destroyed my mind's eye image of my father and mother. Both of them, liars. Both of them thinking they know what's best for me without consulting me or each other. Both of them deceiving me as well as each other. And for what? For me to end up in the games anyway? For them to end up in the Capitol, one in prison and the other in a facility? It makes everything I ever knew about them, every memory I currently have of them, tarnished, twisted and ruined.

When I finally manage to get my crying under control, I stay against Gale's chest for a moment longer. It feels comfortable. Not awkward like I would expect. I can feel the warmth of his body against my face. Feel his chest move as he breaths. Feel his arms wrap around me and his hand gently stroke my hair. And all of this makes me feel safe. And so I wonder, is this the way it was before? When we were a couple? Did he comfort me and make me feel safe? Did he patiently let me cry when I needed to cry? Is that one of the things I loved about him? If only I could remember.

I pull back, wiping my eyes and look up at him. He reaches his hand up to my cheek and wipes away a tear, his thumb lingering for a second as if he doesn't want to let go of me. And if I'm being truthful, I don't want him too either. So I don't move and I don't say anything. I just stare at him and he stares at me.

Eventually, he speaks. "I'm sorry you had to hear all that."

"Thank you for telling me. And for comforting me too."

He nods. "Is there anything else you want to know?"

I think for a minute before answering. I want to know more about us. About me and him. "Yeah, but um, it might be embarrassing for me to ask you." I say and I feel my cheeks blush and I turn my face away from him so he won't see it.

"Hey, don't do that. Don't not ask just because it might be embarrassing." His voice tells me gently as his fingertips lift my face back look at his.

"It's us. I, well, I want to know about us." I confess and I know my cheeks are blushing all over again.

"What about us?"

"All of it?" I say giving him a sheepish look. "I mean, you explained how we became a couple and why we got married but I want to know more than just the surface stuff. I want to know what it was like, you know?"

A wide smile spreads across his face. "You wanna know the good stuff, huh?"

I know he's teasing but it's so embarrassing that I'm having to sit here and ask him about all this. I give him an exacerbated look.

"Sorry." He says quickly. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"It's okay." I say granting him forgiveness. "And yes, I do want to know about the good stuff as you so tactfully put it, but I want to know other stuff too."

"Like what?"

"Like our first date, where did we go?"

"I took you to this place in the Seam I called the clearing. It was this big open area amidst a bunch of trees, out of sight from everyone else."

"Did I like it?"

"Yeah, I think so. You went there without me after that so yeah, I'd say yeah, you liked it."

"And here I thought you were just a slag heap kinda guy." I tease.

"For the record, I never once took you to the slag heap." He professes, hands held up teasingly in defense of himself and his reputation.

"Uh-huh. Sure you didn't." I laugh. "Okay, well, was our first kiss in that clearing?"

"No, we did kiss, but it wasn't for the first time. We'd kissed before."

"I kissed you before our first date?" I ask, a little in shock.

"I'm the guilty one there. I kissed you."

"Tell me about it? Everything?" I plead wanting to know every little detail. As far as my mind can remember I've never had a kiss in my entire life so I'm dying to know what the very first one was like.

He smiles and I can tell he's remembering it. "It was the same day you helped Rory. After the viewing, I walked you back home and instead of taking you to the front door, we walked around back to your back porch. You were standing on the steps and I don't know what happened, it was like I just couldn't resist doing it and so I whispered goodnight to you and then just went for it. Kissed you quickly and then took off without another word."

"Oh my gosh." I feel my face flush again and look down in embarrassment. It sounds perfect. Like one of those moments you read about in a storybook or something. Like it was just meant to be. I bet it was wonderful. I bet I didn't sleep a wink that night out of pure elation.

"Yeah, it was every bit as good as it sounds." He adds and his voice sounds dreamy.

My stomach rumbles loudly and I try to cover it with my hand. I hadn't eaten lunch and now my body is embarrassingly pointing out that I need dinner.

"Hey, you must be starving. I bet we can still catch the end of dinner, come on." He says pulling me to my feet.

"I am hungry but I hate going to the cafeteria." I admit to him.

"Why? What's wrong with the cafeteria?"

"Being around a lot of people isn't fun for me right now. All it does is get me frustrated when I can't remember something."

"Well, what if we sit alone? Just me and you?"

"I guess so."

And we head off to the cafeteria, him leading us, me walking just behind him. We don't hold hands or anything like that but he does look back to me occasionally and smile at me. Somehow, being with Gale feels easier since I let him hold me and comfort me as I cried. I'm still shy about a lot of things about us but it was like having him comfort me allowed me to see that maybe I can trust him. Maybe there is more to him than my damaged mind wants to remember.

(Gale POV)

I can't believe she let me hold her like that for so long! Even when she finally stopped sobbing and I reached up to wipe a tear from her face, she hadn't flinched. It's like she suddenly wasn't as scared of me as before. Like we crossed a line somewhere that allowed her to be comfortable.

And then later, in the cafeteria, she and I had sat alone. Just the two of us. It helped that we were so late we almost missed out on dinner altogether and there weren't many people left, but still, it was just us. Now, as we head back to our unit, I'm hoping this pattern continues. I hope that we can keep making this kind of progress.

"So Gale, I do have more I want to know about us if you're up for it."

"Anytime. Ask away." I tell her as we enter our little unit.

"How much time passed between that first kiss and our first date to the clearing?"

"The day after that kiss, I was worried. I'd acted purely on instinct and gotten caught in the moment and because I left immediately after it, I wasn't sure how you felt about it. I wasn't sure if that was okay with you or not. So I hid from you the next morning at school when you were looking for me. I wanted to see your expression so I'd know what was coming at me."

"I bet I was fine with the kiss, wasn't I?"

"Yeah." I smile at her. "I brought you a flower, waited until lunch to give it to you."

"What kind of flower was it?"

"Sunflower." I say as I remember the look on her face when I'd slid that flower across the lunch table to her. She'd lit up like a candle. And I knew she liked me.

"Oh! That's my favorite flower!" She shrieks in excitement.

I try not to laugh and just smile at her for a minute. She's so excited right now that you'd think I just handed a flower to her now.

"You already know that though, don't you?" She asks, suddenly realizing her slip up.

I shrug. "Yeah, I do. But I still like seeing you get so excited about it. I feel like I just gave you flowers again or something. It's nice."

I watch as her cheeks turn pink. I hope she knows how much I really do love her. I hope it comes across as I tell her all about us. "After I gave you the flower, that's when I asked you to go to the clearing with me."

"Did we go that day?"

"After the viewing that night. And then before I walked you home we officially became a couple."

"We did? What'd people say about that?"

I pause for a moment before I answer her. I know good and well what people thought but I really want to know what she's thinking right now. I want to know if this is still something she wants. But how do I ask her about that without freaking her out? This is going all so smoothly that I definitely don't want to scare her off by asking. But I need to know. I do. "Well, I can tell you about it, but before I do, there is something I'd like to know. Something I want to ask you."

"You have a question for me?" She repeats, surprised look on her face.

"Yeah, I do. I'm just curious about what you think about all this. About us, I mean. Is it still something you want?" I manage to get out but my voice is shaky, revealing my nerves. I practically hold my breath as she responds.

"Gale, I can't really answer that." She says with an apologetic sound in her voice. "I'm not even really sure how to explain it to you. It's just that as far as I can remember, as far as what my mind tells me it knows to be true, I hardly even know you. That makes it extremely difficult for me to want to be married to you right now, in this moment."

Her ocean blue eyes look at me, waiting for a response. But I don't have one. I really hate every word that just came out of her mouth. It isn't what I wanted to hear at all. It's more of what I didn't want to hear.

"Gale, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just trying to be honest." She tells me when I don't respond.

"No, it's fine. I…I asked the question so I have to appreciate your honesty." I choke out. And it really isn't anything I can be upset with her about. It was my question. I should have prepared myself for hearing something other than what I'd hoped for. I just got caught up in the moment with her and all this reminiscing about dating and kissing. And she seemed so excited about all of it that I didn't think it through before I asked her that question.

"This is probably just as hard for you as it is for me, huh? Just in the opposite way?"

I suck in a deep breath and nod. "It is. But that isn't your fault, so I hope you'll keep feeling comfortable asking me questions. About anything. It doesn't even have to be about us. If there's anything at all that I can do to make this easier for you, I hope you'll let me know."

"Well, I could use some help with my first memory work assignment if you're up for that."

"You got it. Lay it on me!" I say and give her a smile. It takes every ounce of effort I have to smile but I do it because it's for her. Because it makes it easier for her.

"They gave me a picture of a dress and I was supposed to write down anything that came to mind and then find out whatever I could about it." She explains as she pulls a folded photograph out of her pocket and sets it before me.

I stare down at it and a whole wave of memories pour over me. It's her wedding dress. Just the dress though. No shoes or the navy sash or her veil. And she isn't wearing it. It's on a dressmaker's form. I have to close my eyes for a moment because the memory of her in that dress, on that day, is just too much for me. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes and I fight to hold them back. After a few seconds, I reopen my eyes and while still staring down at the picture, I answer her. "It's your wedding dress."

"It is? Huh. I guess the Capitol designed it."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, it just isn't what I would have pictured if I'd had any say in it. Like all those ruffles for example, I never would have asked for that. It's pretty, very pretty, but it just isn't what I would have chosen. I shouldn't be surprised though. I never get to pick out any of my other clothes either." She says nonchalantly as if to her it's just another dress.

I don't tell her that the ruffles are a secret between the two of us and that she did indeed ask for those ruffles. Those ruffles were a surprise for me, from her. I decide right now that I'll keep the ruffles to myself until she gets her memory back.

"It had more too it. There was a veil for the ceremony and a navy blue sash." I tell her, ignoring her ruffles comment.

"Oh yeah? I do like navy a lot so that at least makes sense. Shoes? Do you know what they looked like?"

"Not exactly. They gave you some to go with the dress but I never saw them. You switched them out to wear the shoes I gave you."

"You gave me shoes?" She asks, eyebrow raised.

"For your birthday. Boots. You loved them."

"Boots? Like for hunting? Did we go hunting?" She leans in and whispers as if she's afraid someone will overhear us.

I smile at her. "Yeah, like hunting boots. And you didn't really hunt but you did go into the woods with me."

"No way!" She exclaims, mouth hanging open.

"Yes way. You liked it out there. Even spent the night once."

"I can't believe I did that. I always wondered what it would be like beyond the fence but I was always to scared to go out there."

"You weren't scared at all."

"When you tell me things like that, I have a hard time believing that the girl you're talking about is me."

"Well, hopefully you'll remember her one day. She was really something." I say wistfully. And the minute I do, I wish I hadn't. Her face hardens and I realize the way I said it seems insulting towards how she is now. "Wait, that didn't come out right."

"Forget it. I'm pretty beat though. Think I'll get ready for bed." She says as she promptly stands and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her without so much as a look back at me. And I can't say I didn't have that one coming.

Nice Gale, real freaking nice. Might as well have told her you don't like her at all now. And I do like her. Hell, I love her. I just miss the her that loves me back. I decide to would be easier on the both of us if I'm not here when she comes out of the bathroom. I'll get out of here for a little while and come back later after she's asleep. I get up and leave the unit. Not sure where I'm heading but I keep going.

I end up in a place that I saw during our tour. It's a part of the agriculture center but is open to anyone. It's the closest I can get to being outside. A huge room, filled with all different kinds of trees grown in huge planters, under special lights and heaters. They have a few benches scattered about between the trees and I find one to sit down on. The place is empty, not a soul in sight.

I lay back on the bench and close my eyes. I messed up. I should have thought before I spoke. Shouldn't have asked her that question about how she feels about us. I mean, what did I expect her to say? Yes, Gale, I have no clue who you are but who cares, let's just be married! Arrggh! I'm screwing this up! I had her, right there in my arms, got to hold her to me for the first time in weeks, had her talking comfortably with me and I blew it with my big ass mouth.

I lay on the bench so long that I fall asleep. When I wake up, I have no idea what time it is or how long I've been asleep. I get up, stretching my arms over my head. Not a bad nap considering it's a bench. Sure beats the heck out of the concrete floor in our room. Madge should definitely be asleep by now so I begin heading back. On my way, I realize that it must be way later than I thought because I see people milling about, making their way through the halls. I stop a random passerby and ask the time.

"It's quarter of 6." The woman tells me and then continues on her way.

Quarter of 6! I spent the entire night out on that bench! I wonder if Madge is awake yet? I wonder if she noticed I never came back? And if she did, will that make it better or worse between us? Will she see it as me giving her space or abandoning her? I quicken my pace as I make my way back to the room but when I arrive at the elevators there's a wait because of all the people in the hallways. I opt to take the stairs since it'll be faster than waiting for an elevator and a then having to wait as it stops on every floor between here and my own. The stairs turn out to be a good idea because it's empty. Guess everyone here prefers the elevators. I decide that here and now, the stairs will be my preferred method of moving between floors. I'm two flights away from my floor when I hear voices that make me stop and listen. Familiar voices.

"All I'm saying is, I don't see why you wouldn't just do it. This could be your chance. The one you never really got before."

"But she doesn't remember and it seems wrong to do what she asked and not tell her that I've been in love with her for years."

It's Tripp and Marah. Talking about Madge. I freeze, needing to hear more.

"She doesn't even know the person she's married to."

"And then what? I get close with her and she ends up developing feelings for me back? That's great and all but what about when her memory returns and she knows I wasn't honest with her? Then where does that leave me? At least if I'm honest up front, I can still be her friend."

"Didn't you get enough of just being her friend before?"

"Just stop Marah. I never should've mentioned it to you."

And then I can't hear them anymore. They've left the stairwell. What did Madge ask Tripp to do? And when did she even see him? And why does Marah have to egg him on like that? Does she have to be so against me and Madge all the time? And most importantly, what is Tripp planning to do about it? It being whatever it is Madge asked of him.