Chapter 6

(Madge POV)

I stay in the bathroom for awhile, not wanting to see Gale right now. His comment about how great I used to be really has me fuming and if I don't cool down, I'm afraid I'll snap at him. Honestly, I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded and he even apologized for the way it came out but I have to believe that sometimes, things sound a certain way because there's a bit of truth behind them. And with what he said, there probably is. Of course I was more likeable to him before I lost my memory than I am now. I don't even know him now. And I don't seem to know myself either for that matter.

After about an hour, I finally come out of the bathroom, intent on going straight to bed. Much to my surprise though, Gale isn't here. He's gone. I wonder where he went? He didn't even have the courtesy of knocking on the bathroom door and telling me he was leaving so I assume he doesn't want me to know where he is. I turn down the lights and crawl under the blankets. At first, I place myself square in the middle of the bed but then I decide that I'm being ridiculous. Gale shouldn't have to sleep on the floor. And I do trust him not to touch me or do anything to make me uncomfortable. So I scoot over to one side, making sure to leave the blanket turned back on his side so that he'll know he's welcome in case I'm already asleep when he gets back.

I lie in bed with my mind playing back over the memories Gale shared with me tonight. Our first kiss was on the back steps of my house. And it was unexpected, which I like. And he told me he'd followed it up by bringing me a sunflower to school the next day which I also liked. He never told me about how others responded to us dating but I still want to know so I'll have to ask him again. Anytime Seam people date town people, it's always huge gossip. My being the daughter of the Mayor would have only fueled such gossip. And Gale, while being from the Seam, was in fact one of the most sought after boys in school thanks to his good looks. A fact he was quite aware of, fully enjoying the bevy of girls that flocked to him.

At some point, I drift off to sleep. I don't sleep through the night though. Instead, I wake a few hours later after a nightmare. The nightmare was about my father hurting my mother but the details are fuzzy to me now and I can't remember it fully. I check the clock as I notice Gale still isn't back yet. It's 4:30am! Where is he? Shouldn't he be back by now? I know we left things on sort of an unpleasant point after his comment and my getting angry but still, he should be back. Did he go sleep at his mother's place? Would they even have room for him there? And do they allow that sort of thing in 13? I turn up the lights and sit up in bed. When he comes back, I'll have to talk to him. I need to apologize for getting angry but I also need to make sure he knows that I am trying my hardest, that none of this is easy for me.

I stare at the four, blank walls for the next hour and he still isn't back. Breakfast will start being served in an hour so I go ahead and get up. I make the bed and get myself dressed. I hate this grey clothing they insist we all wear here. It's dull, just like everything else. I wait a little longer but after he still doesn't return from wherever it is he disappeared to, I decide to take myself to breakfast and try to eat before too many people get there. It'd been so much easier last night at dinner when Gale and I got to the cafeteria just before the end of dinner service. I just can't handle the crowds of people very well. My hope is that going early will give me the same smaller crowd results.

The elevators are crowded but I just keep my head down. I don't see anyone I know so I don't have to worry about people chatting with me. And if my face is turned away from them, they won't be able to stare at my wounds. Back in 12, everyone in the whole district knew who I was so there was no way I'd ever be able to blend into a crowd like I manage to do on the elevators.

Once I arrive at the cafeteria, I hurry to get in the food line only to find that I'll be eating the same boring oatmeal mush with raisins and walnuts again. Guess they don't do variety with food. Doesn't matter though, I find a seat away from everyone else and choke down the meal as quickly as I can. The sooner I finish eating, the sooner I can get out of here.

"Hey Madge! You by yourself this morning?"

I look up from my mushy breakfast to see Marah Krull, Tripp's older sister. "Good morning. Yes, I'm just eating and then heading over to the Medical Center." I tell her with a smile. I don't know her very well except from the café. She's older than Tripp and I, so she was never in my classes at school. She was always pleasant though whenever I saw her in the café.

"Well, enjoy! Have a good day!" She chirps and then continues on her way. I realize she's working. She has on an apron and is carrying a bin of silverware.

Before I can get too many more bites down, I'm interrupted again, this time by Tripp. "Hey, do you have a minute?"

"Sure." I tell him, still slightly embarrassed that I'd asked him to be friends with me without acknowledging the year I can't remember. I think I blush a bit.

"I wanted to say I was sorry if I upset you yesterday. I didn't mean to."

"No, don't apologize. It was foolish of me to ask such a thing. Just got overwhelmed with everything and it leaves me sort of longing for a bit of normalcy. Just forget I asked, okay?"

He nods and doesn't say anything else about it and it makes me relax a little. "So, you don't look like you're enjoying your breakfast all that much."

"Mushy, bland oatmeal two days in a row leaves a lot to be desired." I say as I push the food around in my bowl.

"Wait here, I'll be right back!" He says and he dashes off towards the kitchen in the back. Moments later he reappears, a small shaker in hand.

"Try this with it." He suggests as he sprinkles something into my oatmeal.

I take a bite and realize it's cinnamon and sugar. And it makes it so much better! "Wow, who knew a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar could make such a difference."

"It really does. Spices and seasonings don't seem to get used much here, probably hard to get them. I figure no one will notice if I sneak this out and doctor up your meal for you." He whispers with a smile.

I lean in, smiling back and whisper "It'll be our little secret!"

"Good, now enjoy! See ya later, okay?"

"Bye Tripp!" I call out and wave as he hurries back to the kitchen. Thanks to Tripp, I'm able to scarf down the rest of my meal much easier. It's still oatmeal but at least it has flavor to it now. As soon as I finish, I get up and make my way out of the quickly filling cafeteria. Another communal meal survived without having awkward memory loss slip ups, I think to myself as I leave the room.

The woman at the desk in the Medical Center recognizes me this time without having to take my name and sends me back to my therapist right away.

"Good morning Mrs. Hawthorne. Ready to begin your first day of therapy work?" A man with whiskers asks as I enter a small room.

"I am. And please, call me Madge." I'm still not comfortable with the sound of my last name as Hawthorne rather than Undersee.

"Of course. And pardon my manners, my name is Renaldo. Ren for short. Please, have a seat."

I sit down in the armchair he gestures too and he sits in the one across from me.

"So Madge, why don't we get started with you telling me how you're adjusting to all of this. I imagine it's come with a few challenges."

I watch as he settles back into his chair getting comfortable. It's funny, I always pictured a therapist to be taking notes or sitting behind a desk but Ren isn't. He's just sitting here, ready to chat with me as if that's all we're doing. Instantly, I feel more comfortable.

"Well, it hasn't been easy. I mostly find myself feeling overwhelmed."

"With what exactly?"

"Everything? I feel like I have no idea who anyone is or who I am for that matter. Every time I get around a big group I feel stiff. Like everything I do or say feels forced and unnatural."

"Is it easier with just one person at a time?"

"It is. But it's still hard even then. I can't seem to say or do the right things and end up feeling embarrassed. Or I take things the wrong way and end up angry."

"Do you feel in control of your emotions?"

I think for a moment before I answer him. "No, not all the time. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm crying my eyes out and then before you know it, I'm laughing. I wasn't like that before. I always had perfect control over my emotions and actions. It was practically a talent."

"That's understandable and expected with head injuries. You should regain control of your emotions as you become more comfortable with your surroundings and those around you. How has it been adjusting to learning you're married?"

"That's the hardest part. You see, Gale, my husband, he and I were never friends. I always thought he hated me. My memory cuts off just before he and I started dating. So that makes it incredibly difficult when I'm with him. I don't know him at all, not really. And when I watch him, I can tell it's hurting him that I can't remember us as a couple and then I just feel guilty. But I can't just pretend everything is fine and just be his wife. I mean, I've never even kissed anyone and suddenly I find out that I'm married to a boy I barely know? I don't know what to do with that."

"Mmhmm. What about your assignments? Have you had any yet?"

"Just one. They gave me a picture of a dress and I was supposed to write down anything that came to mind. So I did but when I looked back at what I'd written they were all just descriptive of the picture, not specific to a memory. Come to find out, it was a picture of my wedding dress."

"Did it spark any shred of memory for you?"

"Nope, nothing. But, that may be because I didn't design or pick out that dress. I had Capitol buyers that did all my shopping for me. From the looks of that dress, I don't think I had any say in it whatsoever."

"Would you want to watch video of yourself?"

"You have video of me? How? Of what?"

"Not just of yourself. It's footage from the games. We as a staff were unsure if you should see it but I feel strongly that seeing yourself, your real self, may reawaken those sleeping memories. The choice will be yours though. We wouldn't force you to do anything like that if you found it to be too difficult."

The games. They have video of me in the games. Do I want to see that? Do I want to watch that? I think for awhile before I answer him. I do want to see it but what if I kill someone? Can I handle seeing that? I wonder if they can edit it for me? "Um, I would like to see it, but not all of it. Would it be possible to have it edited? I don't want to see if I killed anyone."

"You didn't kill anyone in the games. Never had too."

I breathe an audible sigh of relief. That's truly good news. I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself if I knew I'd taken someone's life. Ren gives me a warm smile and I know he must understand how I feel.

"So would you like to see it then?" He asks.

I nod. "Yes, I think it would be good to actually see myself from a time I can't remember. Sometimes, when Gale tells me stories they sound like make-believe and I can't picture it. So I do think actually seeing would be helpful. If not for my memory, at least for understanding on a higher level than I can now."

"Alright then. I'll have a device brought to your residence later today. Watch what you can but try not to get too upset with anything you see. We can discuss it at our next session."

"Okay, I can do that. Thank you very much."

"Now, before I send you over to have those stitches checked out, is there anything else I can help you with this morning?"

"Actually, yes. Can you tell me why we have to wear grey clothing all the time?"

He chuckles a little and smiles. "It seems silly, right? Well, it started so long ago. When we first took 13 underground, very few of us had anything more than the clothes on our backs because of how quickly the Capitol destroyed our district. We'd already been stockpiling supplies and somehow, quite a large quantity of grey colored fabric bolts had been collected. When our seamstresses began making new clothing, this is what they used. And very soon, everyone here was dressed in all grey. Eventually, the Leadership Board decided to make it the official color of the new 13."

"That all makes sense but why do we have to wear it? Why the requirement?"

"That came later. Over the years, we've welcomed in many, many people from other districts in Panem. People needing escape or refuge. Some of these people were able to bring possessions with them, depending on the circumstances of their escape. At first that didn't seem like a problem but soon we began to notice a divide forming amongst our citizens. Those originally from here, had plain grey, simple clothing. Those coming in often were of status back in their former districts and therefore, they owned fancy, expensive clothing. This gave an impression of being special and we began to notice division rather than merging."

"I see. So you want everyone here to feel like they're on the same level. Like we're all equal." I say as I think about how divided everything had been in 12 with the Seam and the Town. It makes sense.

"Exactly. The Capitol always tried to have division amongst each district because division weakens you. Here in 13, we only want unity, which makes you stronger."

"I like it."

"So do we." He says with a wink. "Now, off you go. Those stitches need to be checked out to make sure everything's healing."

I head over to an exam room to let the medic examine me. It makes sense, what he said about the Capitol not wanting unified districts. If you have too many people working together, they might do what 13 had done and form a rebellion to overtake the Capitol.

In the exam with the medic, she takes all my vitals and notes that I seem to be better hydrated now. She points out that I should be eating more though because I've lost another half pound when I should have started gaining. I don't offer up the fact that I've skipped a meal. I try not to cringe when she lets me know that I'll be on a special weight gaining diet if my weight doesn't start improving on it's own. The last thing I want since I can barely get down this terrible food as it is now. What I need is breakfast from Mabel or a good dinner from the café.

She gives me a new cream for the wounds on my face. Something with Vitamin E oil to help ease the scarring. I hope it works. Right now, I have big puffy red lines across my face. When she checks my stitches on my head wound though, she sees signs of infection. Great, just what I need. More complications. She cleans the infected area with a solution that stings and then hands me a bottle of medicine that I have to take to fend off the infection. She cautions that I have to keep the area clean and dry as much as possible. She's kind enough to give me a hair band to tie my hair back with and helps me secure it in a way that covers the bald spot and stitches almost completely.

Once I'm finished with the medic, I'm supposed to go to lunch and then back to my unit to rest until my portable viewing device arrives. Curious to see if Gale's been back yet or not, I swing by the unit first before going to the cafeteria. I kind of hope he's there so I can talk to him about last night. To apologize, to explain, to just sort of make things right. To make sure we're okay.

He's not there though it looks as if he has been. I can tell someone's been sitting on the bed I made before I left but that's all. He wasn't due to work until after lunch so I maybe he headed to the cafeteria early so he could eat before work. I put my new bottle of pills and the tube of cream on the nightstand and then head to the cafeteria myself.

After I've collected my lunch tray, I look around for Gale but don't see him or Katniss. I do see Mrs. Hawthorne on the far side of the room but she's engaged in conversation with someone and I feel strange about going over to sit with her alone. I'm about to take my tray and find a spot alone when I hear my name being called out. I whirl around and see Marah waving me over to where she and Tripp are sitting.

"Hey, Madge, over here. Come sit with us!"

"Hi, you guys finished working already?" I ask as I set my tray down at their table.

"Yeah, just finished up a few minutes ago. Thought we'd grab a bite before we go crash."

"Marah despises getting up early and we had to up at 5:30." Tripp explains.

"I was up early too but I don't mind."

"What job did they assign you?" Marah asks me as she picks at her sandwich.

"They didn't yet. I have to go to the Medical Center for therapy every day until I get my memory back."

"Lucky you. I got the pleasure of washing dishes all morning." Tripp says.

"Hey, they're giving me a portable device to watch our games later today. Would you want to watch too? I mean, since you were there and all." I offer.

"I don't know, I'm pretty beat." He tells me sounding hesitant.

"Don't be ridiculous Tripp, you never even got to see your own games. Of course he wants to come watch it with you." Marah interjects before I can reply to him. He shoots her a look and then looks to me and nods.

"Sure, I'll come watch it with you." And then he adds, "If that's alright with Gale of course."

"Why would he care? Besides, he has to work and to be honest I haven't even seen him today. He disappeared and I can't find him."

"Well, I just didn't want to step on any toes, you know?" He tells me still looking slightly hesitant.

"It'll be fine. And Marah, you can come too if you want." I offer, realizing it was rude of me to invite Tripp and not her too.

"Thanks but no thanks. I already watched them."

"Oh, right. I guess you did." I say, feeling a tad embarrassed.

We finish up eating and head for the elevators. Marah returns to their floor but Tripp comes with me back to mine. I'm glad he's going to watch it with me. Somehow that makes it seem less scary. And if I have questions along the way as I watch it, he'll be able to answer them because he was right there with me.

In my unit, I find the portable viewing device already there and waiting for me. They must have delivered it while I was at lunch. I turn and look at Tripp. "You ready for this?"

"Ready if you are." He tells me and slides down to sit on the floor. I start the video and sit down on the floor beside him. Ready for my first look at what Madge Undersee, Tribute in the Games, looks like.

I expect the video to begin in the arena as the gong sounds but it doesn't. Instead, it starts with the Reaping. I watch as they call my name and I walk up to the stage. I smile the whole way up there, head held high, not looking afraid at all.

"Wow, I don't even look scared." I practically whisper.

"You were scared but brave beyond belief. You were so determined not to let the Capitol see you sweat." He tells me, an admiring tone to his voice.

And then something happens that I didn't expect at all. Tripp's name isn't called out. Rory Hawthorne's is. And Tripp volunteered. He went in by choice. I turn to face him in disbelief and confusion but before I can say anything, he just shakes his head as if not to ask. I do anyway.

"Why would you volunteer for Rory?"

"I didn't know yet that there was a rescue plan. I couldn't let you go in there with Rory, he was your family, and I couldn't let Gale volunteer and go in with you. You would've been so heartbroken if you managed to make it back home."

I stare at him trying to understand how he could have even considered making such a sacrifice for me. It, as with most everything these days, doesn't make sense to me.

"You did that for me?"

"Yeah. But can we just not talk about it?"

"No way. You make a sacrifice like that for someone and it warrants being talked about! Why would you ever do that for me?"

"You and I had become friends. Really good friends. And on your part, that's all there ever was but for me, I always cared about you a little bit more."

Tripp Krull and I had become good friends? And he had feelings for me? He did this out of feelings for me? "But…I was married. Why would you have feelings so deep for someone who wasn't available?"

"That's just how it works sometimes. You can't force your heart to feel a certain way. But don't worry, I was never disrespectful of your marriage with Gale. I wouldn't do that."

And somehow, I know he's being truthful. I know he wouldn't cross any lines with my marriage. I don't know how I know this, I just do. I feel it in my gut. "Did Gale know how you felt?"

"Yeah, sort of. We'd come to a point of understanding. He was fine with my being friends with you but I don't think he was ever too crazy about me in general."

I don't know what else to say so I just nod and we continue watching the video. Tripp seems relieved that I'm not going to make him discuss it with me. The video blurs past me though because my mind can only focus on the newest discovery. Tripp Krull liked me. Maybe even loved me. And he did so even when he knew it would never lead anywhere. He cared so much for me, that he was ready to die just so I wouldn't have to endure the heartbreak of going into the games with Rory or Gale. I tear up, touched by such unselfish, unconditional caring on his part.