This is a normal, happy, loving family eating a turkey dinner. The children are clean and happily stuffing their faces making small talk about their day at school. Occasionally one will ask for the salt, or for more gravy and instead of arguing, and telling them to get it themselves, they help. They hand them what they want and continue on with their small talk. The four children sitting around the table are happy. But to look down at either end of the table, would cause serious confusion. The parents look nothing even close to what their children do. They don't look happy. In fact they look sad ad even sick. One more than the other. I'm the other.
I'm not proud to admit that I'm not the sick one. I would prefer it that way. But I can't be, and since it happened, I've been told I have to live with it. But it gets harder every day because he seems to be getting worse every day. Seeing him dwindle down to nothing…is so heartbreaking. It hurts to see his sunken in eyes and pale skin. It hurts even more to know there is nothing physically I can do for him.
"Poppa can you hand me a napkin?" I snapped out of my thoughts and smiled at my second oldest child, Maggie. I grabbed the top most one and handed it to my left. She smiled small at me and I smiled back before looking back down at my full plate. I moved around the mashed potatoes and put some on my fork, lifting it to my mouth.
"Daddy?" I looked u and saw my youngest son, Joey look up at Kendall who turned to him and gave him a happy but fake face. "My teacher told me yesterday that I'm already tall for my age. Does that mean I'm going to be as tall as you when I'm older?" He chuckled and wiped his mouth before sitting back.
"You might end up being taller than me." Joey immediately started bouncing around in his seat and I smiled. I looked around the table and noticed most of all of their plates were empty and I sighed standing up grabbing my still full plate.
"Why don't you guys go watch some TV if you're done. Since you cooked I'm on clean up duty." The two youngest, Joey and Samantha jumped up fast and ran out of the dining room. I turned fast and pushed open the door to the kitchen. I walked right to the sink and set my plate in before leaning against the sink and bending slightly, closing my eyes. I breathed out hard and clenched my jaw, so the tears I wanted to let fall so desperately didn't fall. It was hard to keep it together this long. But I was going to continue to do it until I got up in my bathroom and was able to let the shower water, and my tears mix, so no one could tell the difference. And when I say no one, I mean Kendall.
"Poppa? You okay?" I stood up fast and turned seeing my two oldest walk towards me, plate sin hands. Maggie got next to me first and set the plates in the sink. "We don't mind cleaning up." I smiled and kissed her forehead before turning her slightly and gently pushing her towards the door.
"Go relax…after I clean up, we still have to put up the tree so if you guys could, go up in my room and find a white and red box with Christmas written on the side and bring it down, and then you guys can relax." She looked hesitate but nodded and turned to Chris who walked up to me and set his plates in the sink. He only nodded and walked behind Maggie, both disappearing to the hallway. I stayed still for a minute before pushing up the sweater sleeves and turning back to the sink.
I left my mind drift into a state where I wasn't aware of my own thoughts because honestly, knowing and thinking about nothing, is better than to have a million and one things running through it, causing stress and sadness. I only realized the dishes I had washed were now in the dishwasher and I still needed to clean the table off when the hot water started burning my hands. I grabbed a towel and turned looking down at my beat red hands. I didn't even know he was there. I almost smashed into the plate he was holding but he stepped back in time. I glanced up at his face and he chuckled walking around me. "You were doing it again…" I frowned and walked out into the dining room, grabbing a few bowls and a few empty glasses of milk before walking back in the kitchen. His sleeves were pushed up on his own shirt and he was doing the dishes.
"I was doing what again?" I set the bowls still full of food on the counter and looked up at him. He smiled and turned to me.
"You were dozing off, into your own little world, not even noticing what was happening around you. You've been doing that quite a bit."
"You don't need to do these Kend-"
"And you were acting weird again tonight. You weren't paying attention to the kids stories, and you hardly touched your food. If I didn't know you that well I would think you're the one who's sick." I gently reached in the sink grabbing his hands and pushing him away, gently, with a smile.
"Go watch Cartoons with your kids." He sighed, irritated behind me and picked up where he left off with the dishes. When I saw him get next to me and pull down a few plastic containers for the food I shook my head.
"I thought they were our kids." I turned to him fast and smiled small. He set the plastic bowls down and leaned down into me. He kissed me softly, sending sparks up into my brain, begging me to ask him for more. But he pulled away to fast. "There you are." He snorted quietly turning back to the dishes and he sighed putting the leftover food in the bowls. "What are we going to do with the rest of this bird?"
"Let it fly home?" He nudged me gently and I couldn't help the laugh and the smile and the slight feeling of happiness. "Sammy's teacher pulled me aside yesterday when I picked her and Joe up."
"Yeah…everything okay?" I bent down putting a dish in the sink and shrugged.
"I guess some of the other parents heard that you are…" I froze and felt the happiness creep out and get replaced with the sick and sad feeling again.
"That I have cancer?" His voice was quiet and I turned to look up at him nodding. He scooped some green bean casserole in a plastic dish and I looked back at the sink.
"I guess…they didn't really explain to their kids that it isn't contagious and she is having a hard time telling them she isn't sick, because I guess she doesn't really know either and…" The plate I was holding slipped form my hands and broke into little and big pieces in the sink. I gasped out and closed my eyes, the tears already coming down. A soft and comfortable hand was on my shoulder turning me, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him, because I had to stay strong for him and for our children.
"Logan…Loges…" I was turned an pulled into his warm and skinny body. I felt lips on the top of my head and heard a small sob rip through my throat, escaping out past my lips and pushed into the soft fabric of his cotton long sleeved shirt. "Shush…baby it's okay…it's going to be okay." I reached around behind him and grabbed two handfuls of his shirt and tugged. I felt my knees buckling and I knew if I fell, so would he. But I couldn't get myself to calm down. I couldn't stop the tears and I couldn't stop the sobs. I definitely couldn't stop the feeling of my body giving up. And it did. My knees buckled out and I collapsed onto him. And he caught me.
"Daddy?" Hearing my sweet Samantha's voice only made me worse, but still I couldn't do anything about it.
"It's okay sweetie…poppa's fine…Christopher?" I felt myself moving, along with Kendall and pushed my eyes open just enough to see my scared kids face watch me get lead out of the kitchen.
"Dad?"
"Can you guys finish the dishes and get you brother and sister cleaned up?"
"Of course…is pop okay?" I squeezed my eyes shut seeing Chris and gritted my teeth, feeling myself slowly calm down.
"He's okay…don't worry. I'll be down in a minute." We moved, this time quicker. I realized we were at the stairs and I pushed myself up, on him and walked up the stairs myself. When we walked down the hall leading to our room, I was able to keep my eyes open without crying. He pushed me into the room and quickly set me on the bed. When he kneeled down in front of me I reached down quick and cradled his face shaking my head and letting my bottom lip quiver. "Logan…"
"I can't lose you." He went quiet and set down completely on his knees. His hands went softly on my hips and I let my fingers trace over his soft skin. "You can't leave me…you have to stay here with me and Chris, and Maggie, Samantha and Joey. You can't leave us Kendall. You…you have to promise me that you'll stay here with us. Please…" I closed my eyes and felt myself sliding off the bed. I did and my butt hit the floor hard. I pushed my legs up and put my elbows on my knees, covering my face with one hand, while the other still held his gently. "You have to-to promise me Kendall."
"Logan…" I felt him move towards me, and one of his hands cupped my neck gently. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with wide and worried eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you and the kids, I promise you." I moved in quick and put my arms around his neck pulling him down for a much needed hug.
We stayed in each other's arms but it wasn't as long as I wanted. I knew he must have been sore from the position and he was probably getting tired, because he started to get up. I followed quick and set us both on the bed. He was quick to lift one of his arms so I could get underneath it. I did and wrapped my arms around his torso. He laid his head on mine and slowly started to run his fingers up and down my arm and back. "Don't scare me like that again Mr." I smiled and pushed into him. "I know it's Thanksgiving and our tradition is putting up the tree after dinner while we watch Christmas movies but…I don't think you're up for it. Physically anyway." I opened my eyes and lifted my head pushing away from him slightly. We locked eyes and he nodded moving one of his hands up to my hair where he ran his fingers through it. "You looked so exhausted. Why don't you get into some sweats and get in bed. I know the kids will understand…" I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. "We'll do it tomorrow before we go shopping." As much as I hated disappointing the kids with not doing it. The whole going to bed was really sounding like a good idea. I sighed and looked away from him at our huge walk in closet.
"Okay…that sounds perfect actually." There was a soft kiss to my head and he got up walking to the door. "Tell the kids I'll come say goodnight." He only nodded before walking out, and shutting the door softly. I fell back on the bed and closed my eyes breathing out hard.
How could I have let him see me like this? He must think I can't handle anything now, and he must think he needs to do more, which will cause more stress for him. I can't let that happen, especially if something happened to him. Something worse. But I can't keep bottling all these feelings up to the point that when I do let them out, it's worse than it has to be. How can I find a middle ground between being strong for my husband who has lung cancer, and keeping a level headed and healthy mind set?
I sat up slowly and stood up even slower. I walked into our closet and straight to the dresser in the middle. I took off my jeans kicking them to the floor not even bothering to put them in the hamper and peeled off my sweater. I opened the top drawer and grabbed a plain white shirt, and a pair of black baggy sweats. When I put them on I walked out of the closet and went to the door. I walked slowly down the hallway to the stairs and the first step I touched I stopped. I could hear faint talking in the living room and I even heard a soft giggle from Sam.
"When we go out tomorrow, I'll make sure to get you guys some frozen hot chocolate okay?" The two younger ones agreed with excitement and I walked down, only to where I could see them, but hopefully they couldn't see me. I sat down by the railings and smiled small. Kendall was in the middle of the living room sitting on the floor with Sam in his arms and Joey right next to him. The older ones were in front of him, smiling, but still looking worried and sad.
"It's poppa going to be okay?" I wrapped my arms around my legs and set my cheek on one, still looking out at them.
"Of course he is. And guess what? So am I." Joey nodded and Kendall sighed. "I know it hasn't been easy, and I know you guys are scared but nothing will happen that isn't supposed to happen. You guys need to promise me that if something does happen to me…that you'll take care of your poppa." All four of them looked at him with pure sadness. I felt my heart break for the 15th billion time and closed my eyes. "And you guys have to promise to look out for each other, and always take care of each other. No matter how sad or angry you get at this situation you have to promise me you will talk to each other or me or your poppa. And at the end of every night, you have to promise me, when you prey, you don't ask God to make me better. That you ask him to help see us through this, and protect us. Do you guys promise?" My throat swelled up and I stood up quick. I turned and hurried up the stairs trying to get back to the room, but I heard them.
"We promise daddy…"
I KNOW I HAVE A KOGAN STORY OUT ALREADY BUT…I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE…SO GIVE IT A CHANCE! AND LET ME KNOW WHATCHA THINK!