Chapter 13
(Madge POV)
I finally got my stitches out and now I have a nice scar to show for it. It sort of matches the one across my face. There aren't many things that I miss about the Capitol but I must admit that right about now I sure wouldn't mind having these scars taken care of. The Capitol, being vain as they are, would have polished these scars right off my body without even asking. They would have made sure I never even saw them. But, they of course have all the latest and greatest technology whereas 13, does not. Not for to use for vanity's sake anyway. So, the scars will stay. It isn't as if I'm worried about being ugly. That isn't the case at all. I just want my old face back. The one that doesn't hold proof of things I can't remember.
I'd hoped to have my memory back by now but so far that isn't the case. I've got nothing. Big, fat nothing. And I'm bordering on throwing a pity party for myself. But that's just how I feel today. Ask me about it tomorrow and I may not care one bit if it ever comes back because I'm just that happy. That's probably the most annoying thing about my head injury. The mood swings. Well, more like frequent mood shifts. Elated one day, pity party the next. My doctor says that it's completely normal and to be expected. He tells me that as long as on average, my good days outweigh the bad, that I'm in good shape and progressing nicely. And they do. I find myself happier more often than not.
I'm warming up to the Hawthorne family and slowly starting to spend more time with them. Hazelle and Rory are fully aware of my memory situation but Vick and Posy don't really know about it. Vick, I think, can tell something is different about me but doesn't ask any questions for specifics. Posy on the other hand just thinks I'm me. That little girl is hands down my favorite person here outside of Gale. She's spunky and full of energy and life. I love how she'll just climb right up in my lap whenever she wants and make herself right at home. It makes me feel like part of the family.
Family. I miss mine. My parents and Mabel. All of them, gone. Ripped both from my memories and my life. I find that my memory gap serves to make me feel unsettled about them and what I've been told happened during the time that I cannot remember. I have moments of jealousy that most everyone here was able to bring their families while mine was not so fortunate. Peeta's either. I feel worse for him though. He has no one, whereas at least I have the family I married into. Apparently, no one in his family was able to join him here. They have no idea where he is or what happened to him after the arena was disrupted. They were deemed unfit for rescue and transfer here to 13, based on his mother's nature. My family just couldn't be here because of being in prison and a facility. Peeta has Katniss though and they've become extremely close. I see them together everywhere. Still, I can imagine just how badly his heart must be missing his family. Because I certainly am missing mine.
The other thing that I miss is sunshine. Oh what I wouldn't give for just a few hours of sunshine. They have a specially created lights system here that works like the sun and the lights get brighter during the day, dimmer at night, mimicking the light cycle of an actual day. They do a phenomenal job of making 13 feel like it gets real daylight but it isn't the brightness I miss. It's the feel of the warmth on my skin. And nighttime stars. I'd love to be able to see stars again.
There are only a handful of people ever allowed out of here and above the ground. All of them being part of the defense department. When Gale found out that Katniss got to leave for a few hours one day on some classified mission she wasn't at liberty to discuss, he was green with envy. He misses being above ground too. Occasionally, as we lay in bed at night talking, he'll tell me stories of his hunting time in the woods outside of 12 and when he does that you can hear it there in his voice just how very much he longs to return to it.
In a few weeks, I'll be given the assigned a work position here in 13, having completed my time at the Medical Center as a patient. Ren tells me that even if my memory doesn't return that I'll still be released from care based on my ability to function independently. Because I never actually held a job before, I'm curious as to what they'll have me do. I won't be in the cafeteria or kitchen or laundry center because I know next to nothing about that kind of stuff. Ren said they'll give me something like an assessment exam that will help them determine where I would be of most use. I have mixed feelings about working though. Part of me welcomes the challenge of learning a skill and part of me is terrified. What if I'm not good at anything? What if they can't find anything to do with me? I mean, my whole life, at least the memorable part, I was cared for round the clock. I didn't cook or clean or craft anything. My only responsibility was to be an image of complete submission and support for the Capitol. That I could do. I could pretend all day long around Capitol people but what good does that do me here? None. Ren can tell that I'm worried about the work thing. He keeps reassuring me that it's no big deal, nothing to fret about. I hope he's right. I hope I don't turn out to be a total failure.
"Got you something." Gale's voice says from above me as I feel his lips press quickly against the top of my head. I'd been so lost in thought that I hadn't heard him come in just now.
"Hey! Sorry, didn't hear you come in." I greet and apologize at the same time. He smiles and tauntingly holds up a small little box in front of me. "What is that?"
"This, is one vanilla bean cupcake with chocolate buttercream frosting. Made especially for the one I love!" He announces as he lightly shakes the box in front of me.
I smile. He's taken to doing that. Telling me that he loves me, working it into small conversation like he just did now. He's careful not to over do it, not wanting to push me away or anything but he definitely still does it. And although I'm still not ready to say those words to him yet, I find myself wanting to hear them from him all the same. "You had me at cupcake. Hand it over!" I say holding my hand out for the box.
He does. As he leans forward and places the box in my hand he also takes a second to kiss me again, this time a light peck of my lips. As I open the box and pull out the dessert, he lays back on the bed, resting his hands behind his head.
"Peeta make this?" I ask through a mouthful of cake.
"Yep. One for you and one each for Katniss and Prim."
"I think he just may be my favorite person right now." I say as I continue to devour the sweet cake. Peeta's been doing this a lot lately, sneaking and baking small treats that I, along with Katniss and Prim, reap the benefits of.
"My feelings are so hurt!" Gale teases, placing his hand against his chest in mock astonishment.
"Hush. You know what I mean." I say as I move towards him, leaning over so he can have a bite. He lets me feed him the last bite, leaving a small whip of chocolate frosting on the corner of his mouth. I take my finger and wipe it away. When I do, he moves his arms out from behind his head and wraps them around my waist, capturing me and pulling me down closer to him. I don't resist. I love when he's like this, all playful and flirtatious with me. He's very good at it.
"What were you thinking about when I came in?" He asks as snuggles me close against him.
"Nothing in particular. Just thinking about progress I've made sine we got here."
"Yeah? Well, you're doing great you know."
"I guess so. Mostly, I just wish I'd get my memories back."
"Head injuries take time to heal."
"Head injuries suck." I mumble.
He laughs. "Agreed. But overall, I'd say you're doing the very best anyone can ask of you."
"I wonder if when I regain my memory I'll also regain control over my moods. Right before you came in, I was bordering on throwing myself a pity party. Which you ruined by the way with that whole cupcake thing."
"What? They don't serve cake at pity parties?" He teases.
"No, I'm pretty sure they don't." I smile back at him. I'm helpless against his charm sometimes. I couldn't be pitiful right now even if I wanted too. He's just too darn cute. I inch my face closer to his and intending to steal a quick kiss. Instead, he keeps the kiss long, pressing his lips against mine. Butterflies flutter in the pit of my stomach. I can never get enough of kissing him. Ever.
"Still feel like having that pity party?" He whispers, his forehead against mine.
Unable to speak and only wanting to kiss him more, I shake my head and lean back into his lips. I can feel him smile beneath the kiss, happy. Ever since our date with the wine, I've wanted to kiss him more. A lot more. And he's happy to kiss me any old time but he's always guarded. Always holding back. He may have thought it was the wine that had me wanting things to go further that night but it really wasn't. True, the wine had undone any inhibitions which may have tempted me to be shy but I felt what I felt. And what I felt was a need for him to keep kissing my neck. He hasn't let it go that far since then though. Always pulling away from me as things get heated.
"You sure are good at this." I whisper between kisses.
"At kissing?"
"Mmhmm." I murmur against his mouth.
"At kissing you." He corrects me, his lips leaving mine only long enough for him to speak.
I trail my lips away from his mouth, moving across his cheek and towards his ear. He isn't stopping me, so I continue. Perhaps he's lifting those boundaries after all. My kisses find his ear and then move down to just below it, onto his neck. Gale's hands are tangled in my hair and I can hear him breathing heavily. He likes this I think to myself as I move my hands over the muscles of his chest. Even through his gray shirt, I can feel how toned his muscles are. I move further down his neck, my lips dancing along the neckline of his shirt. And then he does it. He pulls back.
"Madge…" He says softly. And I can hear it there in his tone that we're finished. That this isn't going to continue.
"You are so frustrating!" I fuss as I bury my face in the pillow. I hate when he does this. When everything is feeling so good and that blissful, floaty sensation is taking over me. When all I want is to keep kissing him, keep exploring his body.
(Gale POV)
Her lips are soft as satin as they move against mine. God I love kissing her like this. I love it. I love her. Which is why when I feel her move her lips to my ear, kissing down onto my neck, I don't stop her. I close my eyes and savor it, take it in, wanting more. My hands go up and tangle in her blonde wavy hair and then I feel her own hands running over my chest. It's all I can do to stop as her lips tease around the neck of my shirt. Takes everything I've got to push back from her, to stop her there. I whisper her name, my breathing making it difficult to speak words. This had gotten so good, so quickly. She knew what I meant though. She knew I was stopping us. I can't believe it but I am. Don't want to but I am. I have too. I don't want it to go any further right now. Not now. Not until she loves me back.
"You are so frustrating!" Her muffled voice cries out from her pillow. And don't I know it. I'm just as frustrated with myself as she is. But that doesn't mean this is the right time.
"C'mon, don't be mad." I tell her, running my fingers through her hair.
She pulls her face from the pillow and gives me a mean, pouty face. "You are no fun whatsoever Gale Hawthorne."
"And you are one pouty girl Madge Hawthorne." I tease back.
"Well stop giving me reasons to pout and maybe I can resolve that about myself." She says as she sits up, folding her arms over her chest.
"All in good time my love, all in good time."
"Bet you didn't make us wait this long the first time around." She mumbles under her breath but I still catch what she's just said.
"Oh yeah? Well, that would be a losing bet for you to make." I tell her very matter of factly as all those nights in the woods flood back into my mind. All those times I forced us to stop.
She looks at me, head slightly cocked to the side before she responds to what I've just said. "Really?"
"Well don't go sounding so surprised about it. You make me feel so cheap." I continue to tease her, pretending to be horribly insulted.
"No, seriously? You made us wait a long time?"
"And you hated me for it back then too."
"How is that possible? I mean, why did you wait? I hadn't lost my memory back then, I was fully aware of what I was doing."
"You may not have had a head injury but it was still a huge thing. I didn't want you to do something in the moment, in the heat of things, and then regret it later or resent me for it."
"Were you like that with all your girlfriends?"
"Not exactly. But you were different than just any old girlfriend. You were more to me and I wanted to be certain it stayed that way."
"You knew you wanted to marry me all the way back then, in the beginning?"
"Not right away or anything but I knew there was something about you that was different. I knew what we had was on a whole different level than anything I'd ever experienced before. Before too long, I knew it was hopeless, I had to be with you forever."
"Huh. I guess I just figured waiting wouldn't have been a consideration. So how long did we wait?"
"Well, it felt like forever, I'll tell you that much. But in reality, we only waited weeks. Felt like years though."
"And was it perfect? Was it worth all the waiting?" She asks me as her cheeks blush pink.
"Perfect. Me and you, alone in your room all night while your father was out of town. Thunderstorm outside. Sleeping with you in my arms all night long afterwards. Couldn't have been more perfect. It was the first night we ever said I love you to each other."
Her face gets all soft and glowy as she imagines it. She doesn't remember it so imagining is all she can do. Thinking this sends a sharp pang to my heart. A sadness for her that it is possible she'll never get the memory of those moments back. And she deserves to have that.
"Sure sounds like it was perfect."
"It was. And it will be again, I promise. You just have to trust me on this." I tell her as I stroke the side of her face with my fingers. My heart flutters as she leans her face against my hand, closing her eyes. She may not love me just yet, but she's getting much closer.
"I trust you."
"Good. Wanna go for a walk before bed?"
"Sure." She says as she opens her eyes.
After our quick stroll, which has become something of an evening habit for us, we go to bed, her curled up in my arms, face pressed against my chest. The nights never last long enough, morning always comes too soon. And then I have to get up and share her with the rest of the world. Well, not the whole world. Just anybody we see in 13. And selfishly, I wish it could always be just me and her. Having her warm up to me like this is sometimes so wonderful that I start to think back to how it felt to have her not know me and not want anything to do with me. I hope I never have to feel that again. I never want to feel that kind of heartbreak ever again. I don't think I could bear it.
We're just about to the cafeteria when we run into Katniss.
"Hey, there you guys are, I was just looking for you. Listen, I need to steal Gale away for a little while. We need his opinion down in the Defense Department."
My opinion? That's new. "On what?"
"Can't really talk about it right now but Haymitch sent me to find you. I just got your work assignment switched for the day with your supervisor. Today, you're helping on a special assignment."
"Right now?" I ask. Surely I don't have to go right now. Madge and I haven't even eaten breakfast yet.
"Fraid so. Sorry Madge, he'll catch up to you later today, okay?" Katniss insists, apologizing to Madge while handing me my temporary pass for the Defense Department.
"Go ahead. And have a good day." Madge encourages me as she reaches up on her tip toes to kiss me goodbye.
"You'll be alright having breakfast alone?" I ask her.
"Of course. Besides, I won't be alone, I'll go sit with your family. Now get going already. Do something exciting for once instead of just washing dishes."
I glance over at Katniss who is impatiently tapping her foot, waiting for me to hurry up and say my goodbye. "Okay. I'll come find you in a little while." I tell Madge as I kiss her one more time.
"So what's this all about?" I ask once we're seated in Haymitch's office.
"Well kid, we have an upcoming rescue mission that we need to pick your brain for. Katniss here tells us you know the woods around 12 just as well as she does, if not better. That true?"
"A rescue mission in 12? For who?"
"The woods? You know em or not kid?" He asks again, ignoring my inquiry as to who needs rescue. Guess he probably can't tell me.
"Yeah, I know them like the back of my hand. What do you need to know?"
"And you could lead a group quickly through them in the dark?"
"Depends on the size and ability of the group, but yeah, I think so."
"Think or know kid?"
"If they can keep up with me, then yeah, I can lead a group in the dark." I look over at Katniss and she gives me a nervous look but I can't really tell why.
Haymitch shuffles some papers on his desk and then looks back up at me. "Okay then. Let's go over the game plan." And he plops down a stack of papers in front of me.
A mission? I'm going to be helping with a rescue mission? I thought they just needed my advice on something, not actually use me as a part of the mission. My mind is reeling as I flip through the pages, scanning all the information. This is way more than I anticipated they would ask of me. Way, way more.