Logan's P.O.V.

I think I hated going to these appointments more than Kendall does. His doctor says the same thing every time. "Nothing's changed…but don't lose hope." It's funny actually. Everyone tells me and my husband it will get better and nothing will take a turn for the worse, but they have no idea that this middle ground, between him being sick and being almost healthy is worse than any bad news they can tell you. It's like waiting for the grim reaper to come and take him away from me. I try to stay positive and open minded but, it's hard when the doctors and the professionals, don't know what to do to help you.

Usually these trips every two weeks to the doctor's office is a solo trip for Kendall and I, but this one is different. I guess since my outburst and emotional breakdown on Thursday night the kids are even more worried about me. Especially our youngest, Joey. He demanded we take him with us to "the place daddy gets better" and he wasn't taking no for an answer. When Kendall walked into the garage just to turn on the car and get it warmed up, Joey threw himself on the floor, crying and screaming. It took us bribing and hugs and kisses just to get him to calm down. When he was set in the backseat with his favorite teddy bear, the tears stopped and his yelling was null. With Kendall driving slowly and carefully in the snow, Joey asking him random questions about the doctors, I was left to think by myself.

It's not like I didn't like the doctors who were trying to help us, I just wished they could do something right now, to make Kendall better, and make us go back to the way we were. I was selfish I guess. I wanted my family to be happy and healthy. I wanted and wished my son got the scholarship to his dream college he's been working so hard for. I prayed every night that the next time Kendall had to see a doctor was for them to tell him he was cancer free and could go back to living his life. I secretly wished sometimes even, that it was me who was sick. That Kendall could be the strong one fro our kids. That for once, I was the one being worried about and not the one worrying.

"So why doesn't the medicine help you?" I snapped out my thoughts and turned to the left seeing Kendall staring straight ahead one hand lazily on the wheel. The dark green beanie on his head made his bright light green eyes pop out even more, if that was possible. His pale skin that usually made my head spin because it was so perfect and flawless was now just barely on his face. He was so skinny, with very pronounced cheek bones, it was almost haunting looking. When he sighed and turned to look at me, I looked away quick and swallowed a hard, obnoxious lump in my throat.

"Because it's not strong enough buddy. The medicine they give me is to help with my bad cough and to keep the bad stuff in me, under control." I turned my head completely to look out my window and sighed to myself.

"How come you have the bad stuff is in you daddy?" I squeezed my eyes shut and set my forehead on the cold glass of the window. It's bad enough when you hear the doctors talk to you about it, and hear your husband talk about it. It's just not fair when your 7 year old son asks the questions you yourself have been desperately trying to figure out yourself.

I felt a small squeeze to my knee and turned to him quick seeing him paying attention to the road but with one hand resting on my leg. He knew all my fears and worries, doubts and questions, without me even saying anything to him. Being married for almost 25 years will do that to you. "How about you ask my doctor, okay buddy? I'm sure he can give you a better answer then me." I smiled small and slowly unhooked my seatbelt watching him pull into a parking spot, right in front of the doctor's office. I got out first walking right to the back opening the car door for Joey who was already out of his seat, and jumped down onto the snowy ground. It wasn't snowing anymore, but the snow we had gotten since Thanksgiving had stayed and we had almost gotten three feet. It wasn't an issue with us though because Kendall had been driving in this kind of weather since he was 16. And when he took my hand after I lifted Joey on my hip, I knew that the snow, the cold, and the 20th trip to the doctors was not going to be an issue at all. He was going to hold his head high and go through this like a champ. Like he always did.

Joey was instantly drawn to the play section in the corner and Kendall sat on the ground with him while I checked Kendall in with the older nurse at the front desk. I only had to pay the fee and give our insurance card to them. I smiled seeing Kendall now on his knees behind Joey building on top of a Lego house. I smiled and walked to the closest chair near them. Kendall sat back on his feet while Joey ran around the small table and I reached out slowly running my fingers over the back of his neck, while I reached on the table grabbing a random home magazine. "You're fingers are so cold." I smiled and set the magazine on my lap and thumbed through the first couple of pages. "After this, remember, we promised Joey a new toy." I laughed and turned to him, feeling him stand up. My fingers ran down the back of his neck, and down over his big fluffy jacket. He walked in front of me and sat down hard next to me. "We should go to the mall. I need to pick something up." I raised an eyebrow and turned ot look at him. He pulled his beanie off and ruffled his hair. When I didn't say anything, he turned to me and laughed reaching for my hand. I took it and he laced our fingers together, setting our hands on the rest of his chair. "It's something for you, so don't get crazy." I quickly tossed the magazine back on the table and turned my body towards him.

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Logan stop it. I'm not telling you. It's a Christmas present."

"Tell me, tell me, tell me…"

"Kendall?" We both turned to the nurse who was holding the big brown door open with one hand while the other held a clipboard. "We brought a little one? Child sacrifice?" I smiled at her, lifting up Joey and letting Kendall walk in before me. I followed behind, him knowing exactly where to go already. This was nothing new to him and he knew he had to go in the back corner room to get weighed. When he got in, he had slipped off his coat and set it on the chair. The nurse, the one who always saw us, Rachel, walked in setting the board down and smiling at Kendall. I leaned against the frame still holding Joey who was so interested with his dad he couldn't even turn away. Kendall stepped on the scale and sighed out scratching his chin. "How you feeling Kendall?" I walked in a little seeing the numbers flashing on the scale and tensed up. There was a huge possibility he had lost more weight but with Thanksgiving he may have gained some, or stayed the same.

"I feel good actually. I had a good night's sleep." Rachel nodded and when the scale beeped I peered over Kendall's shoulder and felt my stomach twist into knots. He only weighed 118 pounds. He had lost almost 10 pounds since his last visit. When he stepped off and grabbed his jacket he glanced to me and I pulled Joey in tighter to me. He shook his head slightly and I turned out of the room, waiting for Rachel and him.

She led us down the hall, and walked us in a medium sized room. Kendall went straight to the bed and sat on the edge at the end while Rachel started doing the usual checkup things. Blood pressure, heart rate, check his vitals…the usual stuff. The talked small about how he's been doing, and when she was done, she left shutting the door softly. I quickly let Joey down and eh walked to the cabinets ready to explore. Kendall sighed and I could tell he was ready to say something but I walked up between his legs and grabbed his face with both hands, pulling it towards me. "You promised."

"Logan don't start that. I'm fine and I'm going to stay fine. It's okay." He kissed me softly and I closed my eyes trying so hard to believe him. I knew as soon as that doctor came in he was going to tell us something, that I didn't want to hear and that was going to upset me really bad.

We usually had to wait 5 maybe ten minutes sometimes but now, we had to wait almost an hour in that room. That couldn't mean anything good. And it didn't help that Joey was growing restless. When the doctor did walk in, as I knew, this wasn't going to be a good conversation. He didn't look like his happy go lucky self. Doctor Peterson was always smiling and in a good mood. Now, he looked glum and almost afraid to even speak. And when he pulled up his little stool sitting in front of Kendall, I took my own seat, putting Joey on my lap. Doctor Peterson looked up at Kendall and sighed out hard putting his hand sin his lap. "How are feeling Kendall?"

"Uhm…fine. I'm feeling pretty good actually." The doctor nodded his head softly and cleared his throat.

"I have some news for you, that is going to be hard to hear, and I want to make sure you'll be okay having your son in here with you." I swallowed hard and Kendall turned back to me. I shook my head fast and he nodded.

"Can he wait out with the nurses?" Doctor Peterson stood up quick and walked to the door poking his head out. He called for a nurse but I didn't care.

"Kendall…"

"It's okay Loges." I was really starting to hate hearing that it was going to be okay, clearly when it wasn't going to be. Rachel walked in and smiled putting a hand out for Joy. I took him off my lap and he bounced out of the room, hearing he could play on one of the computers. When the door shut Doctor Peterson took his seat again and cleared his throat.

"Kendall…Logan…I'm afraid that the cancer isn't slowing down." He just came right out and said it. Not even caring how destroyed hearing those words made me. "We were sure that you would stay in the stage 1 section and that the cancer wouldn't spread outside your lymph nodes but it has. Because of this, were afraid that it will be more aggressive and it could move faster." I wasn't making any noise but I felt like my mouth was moving, trying to desperately say something. "What we have planned for the next part is…radiation." I closed my eyes quick and put my head down feeling tears coming out. "We want to do this as quick as possible. It's hard to interrupt what will happen next…I'm sorry Kendall."

"You're just doing your job Jim…can you…can you give us a minute?"

"Of course…I need to get you scheduled for your first round of chemotherapy." I heard some footsteps and then the door opening, and then closing. I looked up quick and saw him staring down at the floor underneath him.

"Kendall…you promised you wouldn't leave me."

"Logan…" I stood up quick and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"You promised me! You promised the kids!"

"Logan I'm scared!" He looked up at me and I lowered my hand feeling like a complete jackass. "I'm…I'm scared…I…I don't want to die." I slowly walked over to him and set a hand on his shoulder. He moved quick and pushed into me wrapping tight around my body. He was scared and I couldn't do anything to make him feel better.