Logan's P.O.V.
"Poppa can we stop for some ice cream?" I stared straight, looking out at the empty road in front of me not even turning to look at my small children. I was waiting patiently for the light to turn green, but in all honestly, I was just happy I didn't have to concentrate on driving. "Poppa?" I sighed and turned my head lazily. Samantha was staring at me form her back seat with sad full eyes.
"No we can't." She pouted slightly and put her head down. I turned back to the front and sighed stepping on the gas, seeing the green light. I drove through the intersection and turned slowly on the first right, to go down my street. I turned on the windshield wipers irritated with the snow falling. The snow falling, and the cold, was like pouring salt on my wounds.
It's been two weeks since we found out about Kendall's cancer moving to stage two. Stage two meant he needed to start radiation therapy. And last Tuesday was the first round of the therapy. He lost his hair, and dropped about 20 pounds. He barely had any meat on his bones, just skin. It was so heartbreaking, I couldn't even look at him anymore. I couldn't even sleep in the bed with him. It hurt to much. And to make it worse, he was taking my distance as not caring about him, so when he did go to the hospital for the first session, he didn't wake me up. He didn't ask me to go with him, to support and be there for him. Maybe that was best, but it still hurt.
"Poppa I got an A on my spelling test today!" I cringed hearing Joey scream in excitement and quickly pulled into the driveway. Chris's car was already parked, and I was grateful him and Maggie where home to take care of the little ones.
"What…do you want a medal or something?" I shut down the car and stopped realizing what I had just said, and who I said it to. I turned quick and saw his bottom lip quivering, looking at me. The first few tears fell and I turned away from him quick. I unbuckled myself seeing Chris walking out, pulling on a coat and got out of the car quick.
"Hey pop…"
"Can you help your brother and sister please?" I slammed my door hard, leaving them in the car and walked past him going straight to the front door. I walked in quick almost running into Maggie who started to apologize, picking up the laundry that had fallen out of the basket I bumped into but I only shook my head and walked past her going to the stairs. I took them two at a time and hurried down the hall when I got there. I went right to our bedroom but stopped right in doorway. Kendall was fast asleep in the middle of the bed, a blanket pulled up under his chin tight. He was breathing softly through his nose. He looked really pale and sick looking but, the good thing was that he wasn't coughing. I quietly shut the door and walked slowly over to the bed. He was still asleep when I sat on the floor by the bed. I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them tight. I could barely see his face form this angle not that I really wanted to see him. It was gut wrenching.
I fell asleep, not for long. Just like every other time I got sleep I was woken up by my own cries and twitching body. When my eyes did open I realized I was on the floor by the bed, in the complete darkness of the room. I pushed myself up and looked to the bed quick. Kendall wasn't there anymore. I stood up quick walked quicker to the door. My decent down the stairs calmed my nerves. I could hear laughing and soft talking form my kids and husband. When I did step down off the last step I heard what I assumed to be dice hit the wood of the dining room table. I walked slowly in and covered my mouth with one hand leaning against the wall. Kendall was at the head of the table with Joey in his lap. Kendall was whispering something in his little ear, causing of a fit of laughter. Chris looked up and smiled at them, giving a pencil to Sammy who wrote down the score Maggie told her, for yahtzee. They all were smiling and laughing and none of them knew I was standing there. I made one slightly movement to set my hip on the wall and caught Maggie's attention. She turned quick making the rest of them look over at me, smiles and laughs gone. I scanned over them, seeing Sammy not looking at me, but keeping her head down. I stopped on Kendall and Joey and saw Kendall giving me a mean look. Joey, sat up, getting on his feet on Kendall's thighs and put his face in Kendall's neck, wrapping his arms around him. Kendall wrapped tight around him quick and continued to stare at me. I felt like I was being persecuted, for no reason in particular. Kendall stood up quick, stronger then I was expecting for holding Joey and looked to Chris.
"Can you and Maggie get their baths started?" Chris moved up quick and took Joey form him, just as Maggie stood up and put out a hand for Sammy. Sammy jumped down form her seat and ran to Maggie's open hand. Chris walked past me first, shielding Joey's face from me, and I felt my heart snap in two. Maggie and Sam weren't far behind, neither of them looking at me either. When I heard the stairs creek telling em the kids were upstairs I dared a glance to Kendall. He was sitting back down, leaning back, and sipping form a mug. I pushed off the wall and walked slowly towards him. I grabbed the back of the chair Maggie was in and slowly sat myself down.
"Kendall?" He set his mug down and leaned forward pushing the hood on his bald head off. "I…"
"Do you know how angry our kids are?" I paused and leaned forward setting my elbows on the table. I shook my head and I saw his jaw lock in place. "You made Sammy and Joey cry today. You didn't say anything nice to them picking them up from school, and then Joey tried to tell you he got an A and you asked if he wanted a medal. I mean…Jesus fucking Christ Logan! It's one thing to push me away and act like I'm not the love of your life but to do it to our children!? There 7 and 8 years old Logan! They didn't do anything wrong!" I put my head down and cried quietly, hoping this brutal yelling, and harsh words would stop but they didn't, and I heard his chair scoot back. He was getting up. He didn't even care I was upset. "You're stupid pathetic tears aren't going to change the fact that you aren't being a good dad to our children who need him the most."
"What am I supposed to do when you die Kendall?" I looked up seeing him looking down at me, not a care in the world. "Do you think I would ever find someone like you? Do you honestly think I could move on? Do you think I'd remarry? Do you even care?!"
"No I don't because I'm not worried about it! I'm not going anywhere Logan!" I stood up quick and wiped my eyes furiously.
"You don't know that Kendall! You can't know that! You are sick, and you aren't getting better! You look like the walking dead Kendall! Do you know what it does to me to see you?" His posture fell and I swallowed hard. "Do you know what it does to see our kids and only see you? I have to put on this face that everything's okay for them when it's not. They have no idea that in two months or weeks…two days they could lose their father. And then what? I'm left alone to continue raising those kids by myself. If I lost you…" I stepped forward cautiously and when he didn't move away or try to keep me away I reached out, and gently set my hand son his cold, skinny face. He closed his eyes fast and I tried so hard to not cry out loud again. "If I lost you Kendall, I would lose myself. I couldn't go on and our kids would lose both their parents."
"Don't you dare do that Logan…I didn't ask anyone to make me sick, and I didn't ask for it to get worse." He opened his eyes and his hands moved up to my own and set them on mien gently. "I have been doing more for this family and those kids since I've been sick then you. All you can do is lock yourself in the room or bathroom and drink the pain away. You only think about the pain and heartache and the what if's. I'm the one telling our kids that you're going to be okay. And that you will get better while still trying to make myself better. I can't' do that anymore Logan. I need you so bad right now. I can't keep doing this alone." My heart broke once again and I felt like passing out, or maybe throwing up. He let go of my face, quickly and walked past me. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid that if I moved, I'd grab my keys and leave. That's what I did best. I didn't know how to handle anything serious like this. "I think…I think I'm going to take the kids to my mom's house during the break." My fists clenched quick and I turned slowly turning to look at him. He was leaning against the sink looking out the kitchen window at the snow falling down. "I'll call her tomorrow…and I guess we'll go from there."
"You're…you're going to take them away from me?"
"No Logan…you know you're more than welcome to go with us. But I just figured, you would rather be alone and drink your sorrows away that you wouldn't want to be with us for Christmas." He turned slowly and glared down at me. "Especially since this will probably be my last Christmas, right?" My mouth dropped open and he turned his body quick, and walked out of the kitchen going to the stairs. Every breath was pulled from my body and I felt like falling to the floor, rolling up in a ball and accepting defeat. But hearing him talk like that really seemed to piss me off. Pissed me off so bad I did the only thing I could think of.
The drive to James's house was a long one but it helped. Sitting in my car by myself having to only think about the road so I didn't crash was really relaxing and calmed me down quite a bit. And when I pulled up his driveway I had to smile. He was waiting for me on his porch just like he said. I had text him asking if I could come over, and told him Kendall and I got in a fight. He said he'd be on the porch with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. I shut off my car and got out quick pulling my sweater tight around my body. I didn't even think to grab a coat and now I was paying for it. I walked up to him slowly and he looked up at me. He had on a black beanie with his black rimmed glasses and black scarf, jacket, and gloves. I smiled small and he sighed out shaking his head. "How bad was it?"
"He called me out on not being a good dad. He's right but…And I know…I just…"
"Loges." I stopped and swallowed hard. He stood up, setting the mugs of hot cocoa down and reached out for me. His warm gloves touched my cold face and I closed my eyes fast. "Kendall is sick. He's getting treatment. He's not going to die. You are scared, but you are not weak and are not a bad father." I opened my eyes fast and chuckled.
"I made Sammy cry today because I asked if he wanted a medal for getting an A." He frowned and I put my head down staring at his feet in a pair of warm fuzzy slippers, sort of covered in snow. "I can't' keep doing it James. I can't tell Kendall I'm scared because it would be stupid. And I can't tell the kids anything because…their just kids. SO what am I supposed to do?" I looked back up and his hands slowly moved to my neck, holding it gently. He took another step closer towards me and I started to close my eyes. "What am I supposed to do James?"
"Stop talking Logan…stop thinking…" My eyes closed softly and I felt a pair of lips touch my own. My whole body, which had been shivering, was now set on fire. From head to toe. I moved my hands to his jacket and grabbed a hold hard, pulling him forward making the kiss deeper and harder.