"Hey baby…please…pick up your phone. I just want to know that you're okay. You were gone all night and didn't call me…you've never done that before and it's scaring me." I set my head in my hand and sighed out. There wasn't really any point in calling him. I had hurt him bad. I said awful things to him, but I wouldn't have said it if he didn't give me a reason. "I am going to the doctors today, they called. They want to do some more tests…see where I'm at. I would…love if you were there with me. So…just call. Please. I love you Logan." I hung up quick and let my hand dangle still holding the phone. I closed my eyes and scratched at the bare skin on my head. I was feeling better, that was for certain. I was weak and I still had a semi-hard time breathing and I would wheeze every now and then but since the first round of treatment I've been better. I remember what healthy used to feel like and I knew in the back of my mind, I was slowly but surely getting back to that. Slowly.
"Dad?" I raised my head and turned it, smiling at Chris walking in. He was dressed and ready to go to school, the last day of school before his Christmas break. He walked over to me and sat next to me on the bed. "How are you feeling?" He didn't mention Logan, not that I blamed him. "I heard you talking to the doctor." He sounded concerned and I gently patted his knee to reassure him.
"I'm feeling good this morning. They want to do some more things today. Hopefully they can give me some good news too." He nodded and before either of us good say anything else, I heard more footsteps and turned, smiling even bigger. Maggie was walking in, looking as beautiful as ever. She had a really good sense of fashion and always managed to wear the most creative outfits. Today it was a plain black skirt, with red leggings underneath. She had on a white button up shirt, silk, tucked into her skirt with a red scarf around her neck. She didn't have shoes on yet, but she still looked beautiful. She walked over to us quick and squeezed herself between Chris and me. She laid her head on my shoulder and yawned. "How are you?" I reached up brushing hair off her face and she shrugged.
"I had trouble sleeping last night." Probably because of Logan. Not that she'd ever admit it. "Sammy and Joey are eating breakfast and I made their lunches." I nodded, very grateful for her help these past couple weeks. "Sammy asked if poppa was coming home today." I saw Chris turn to me quick and I sighed putting one arm behind Maggie's back to grab ahold of Chris's shoulder. I squeezed it softly and turned my head kissing Maggie's head.
"I don't know." They both turned up to me and I sighed. I couldn't tell them lies anymore. I didn't know what was happening with Logan, what was going through his head. I didn't know what he was planning doing, and I didn't know where he was. For once, I couldn't help my kids. I couldn't ease their sad minds. "Your dad, isn't doing well. Mentally. It's taking a toll on his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with the thought that maybe I might not be okay." Maggie put her head down quick and Chris turned away from me. "I know he's been acting like a dick, and I'm sorry. But today I'm going to go see the doctor and I know because I've been feeling better, he's going to tell me something good, and we can go back to normal." Neither of them said anything to me, and neither of them turned to me. I sighed out, softly and stood up, feeling my bones scream in slight pain. I walked slowly to my bathroom and yawned grabbing my toothbrush.
"Can I go with you daddy?" I peered out back into my room and saw Maggie looking at me, Chris looking at her. "Can…can I go to the doctors with you?" She looked close to crying and it was one of my weaknesses. I hated seeing my kids cry. "We…we aren't even doing anything for in school because it's the last day, and I already turned in all my projects and homework." I smiled small and looked to Chris.
"Do you want to come too?" Chris turned fast and nodded without haste. I smiled and leaned against the frame. "Go tell your brother and sister they aren't going to school." Maggie got up first and walked out with a slight bounce. Chris stood slowly and smiled at me. I smiled back and went to turn back in the bathroom but he stopped me.
"Dad…I heard her crying last night." I frowned and the sadness and fear was leaving and it was being replaced with anger. "She was mad because of…him." Great now my son wouldn't even say his dad. "I went to check on her…she wasn't in her bed." I stood up a little straighter and he swallowed hard. "She was in the bathroom crying, and…and she had a razor…" He looked up quick and shook his head. "She had it to her wrists dad." It felt like the wind was knocked out of my chest and he huffed. "If pop hadn't left, and if he hadn't been acting the way he has been…"
"Chris." He looked up and I swallowed hard nodding to the door. "Do not be angry at your father. Go get ready to go, I'm going to need you to drive. And do not let your sister know you told me. I'll talk to her." He nodded and walked out fast, mumbling to himself.
I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and shaved my face before changing into a pair of my jeans, and a sweater. I slipped on some boots and just before I left my room, I walked to Logan's side of the bed. I sat down and opened the drawer on his nightstand. I smiled quick seeing a picture of the kids he always had at the top of everything else. I lifted it and set it on the nightstand before reaching in for the little wooden box that had a picture frame on the top of the lid. It was of us, and I was holding around him tight, trying desperately to kiss him. He was laughing and trying to duck away from the kiss. I smiled running my fingers over the picture of him but shook it off and opened up the box.
The very top most thing in the box, was exactly what I was looking for. It was a small little white jewelry box and inside, after taking off that top was a necklace Logan never wore. I always asked, begged and pleaded him to wear it, after I was diagnosed, but he couldn't. He constantly told me if he wore it, he was accepting defeat. That our lives were in God's hands and he had no control over the situation. And I tried telling him, having it with him and wearing it, would protect him and me, and us, but he's as stubborn as a mule. I sighed lifting the silver chain and setting it against my hand. Dangling on the chain was a simple small gold cross. Running down the cross in very small writing, that you would need a microscope to see was a verse. "They will turn to the Lord, and He will respond to their pleas and heal them." I got this the day I was diagnosed by one of the nurses. It was the best gift I ever got from a stranger, and I knew giving it to Logan would help him. But it didn't and he never wore it. But I knew someone who would.
When I walked down stairs and went into the kitchen, all the kids were laughing at something Chris was showing them on his phone. I cleared my throat and Joey jumped out of Maggie's arms and charged towards me. "Why don't you get the car warmed up and put the kids in their seats. I'm going to eat something real quick." Chris smiled and lifted Sammy quick putting her on his shoulder. Joey ran after them and Maggie turned as well to walk out but she wasn't getting away that easy. "Mags…can you help me a minute?" She turned and smiled wide nodding.
"I can make you some eggs, or anything you want daddy."
"How about you lift up your shirt sleeves." She paused and looked up at me, the tears already forming. I stepped forward and roughly pulled up her right arm sleeve. She gasped out and looked down. I did too and swallowed hard seeing a big square bandage covering her small delicate wrists. "What the hell are you thinking Maggie?" She pulled away fast and pulled her sleeve back down. She turned to the fridge and pulled out the cartoon of eggs and some cheese. "No Maggie. You are not going to keep this covered up. Look at me." I heard her cry softly as she bent down grabbing a pan for the eggs and my anger got the best of me. "Maggie Knight look at me!" She dropped the pan to the stove with a thud and turned to me quick. Her face was red, and her bottom lip was quivering tears pouring out of her eyes. "I did not raise a weak girl! I did not raise you to cower in the corner and try to take your life because you're scared! You are better than that Maggie!" She sobbed out and I moved forward. "I will not live knowing you are this upset and afraid Maggie. You are not this selfish or stupid Maggie!" She looked up at me quick with her mouth wide open.
"I'm being selfish?!" Her voice was just as loud as mine, just a little more high pitched. She looked angry but sounded so vulnerable. "What about you and poppa?!" I slouched a little and stepped towards me. "You let him leave last night daddy?! You didn't even try to stop him because you have to be right! You don't care how hurt he is and you don't care how scared you make him!" I frowned and cocked my head slightly. "Dad obviously isn't doing well, you said it yourself! But instead of trying to make him better and work things out with him, you cower in the corner! You hide and push him away because it's easier but guess what daddy?" She stepped closer to me, still crying but not as hard. "You're the reason he left! You're the reason he's the way he is, and it's only going to get harder because of what you told him last night! So don't try to tell me how to act or what to feel, unless you want me walking out like he did!" She pushed past me hard and I spun following her with my eyes.
"Maggie get back here." She ignored me and I heard her hard footsteps up the stairs. "Maggie Jane Knight!" Her bedroom shut hard and it made me jump hearing it slam. Maggie never yelled at us, or fought us on anything. This was probably 17 years of her boiling a bunch of anger up.
"Dad?" I didn't even turn to look at Chris. I was so upset, and I mean crying upset I didn't have the energy to explain my yelling at my daughter, especially to him. "Dad…you need to get to the doctors." I swallowed a hard lump and walked to him, keeping my gaze to the floor and pushed past him kind of rough, going to the garage. I heard the car on, and the sound of music coming from it. The little ones were in the back, all buckled up and I got in the passenger seat slamming the door hard, and reaching forward to shut off the music. Chris got in the car quick and asked if the two in the back were still buckled in. They answered quietly and he slowly backed out of the garage.
The drive was quiet which meant I could get myself to calm down. The tears stopped and my chest wasn't burning as much, but my heart still hurt. Bad. First my husband leaving, and then my daughter putting me in my place. If there was anyone who would be willing to switch lives with me right now, I'd pay them. But no one in their right mind would want to be me right now. Chris would occasionally glance over at me, probably making sure I wasn't losing my damn mind. Little did he know, I had lost it long ago. When Chris parked, I was slow to get out and even slower walking up to the front doors. I heard Chris talking to Sammy, and without even realizing Joey was right next to me, he reached up and grabbed my hand squeezing it. I looked down to him and saw him stomping on the patches of snow still formed in a nice little pile. He had a cute little "mean" look on his face and it made me stop and smile. "Joey…what's the matter?" He glanced up and continued pouting holding my hand.
"Everyone else gets to be mad and yell at each other! I want to, to daddy!" He let go of my hand and went around the fairly empty parking lot stomping on the snow. I had to chuckled and feel good seeing him. He stomped around in the snow, growling and being "angry".
"Joey, usually when people are mad, their mad at someone or something."
"I am mad at someone."
"Who?" He turned to me and pointed up at me quick. I raised my eyebrows and walked towards him slowly. "How come you're mad at me?" He put his hand son his hips and continued pouting.
"Because you and poppa aren't being nice! You and poppa aren't tucking me into bed like you guys used to! Poppa isn't reading me any stories anymore, and you aren't teaching me how to play hockey! I keep talking to God like you said daddy, but he's not listening! So I'm mad at him too! Because it's his fault! Everything's his fault! Not yours or poppa's! It's God's fault daddy and I'm mad at God!" I was now kneeling in front of him, and I reached out pulling him towards me. I pushed his forehead into mine and closed my eyes smiling.
"You can be mad at any one you want okay?" He nodded against my forehead and I sighed. "You know what helps me when I'm mad?" I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me, curious." I quickly kissed his forehead and stood up, but not before scooping up some snow. I stood up straight and baled the snow up. When it was in a nice firm ball and handed it down to him. "Don't hit my face." He took the ball and looked up at me to make sure he heard right. I nodded and put up my arms, in surrender. "Hit me with your best shot buddy." He glanced around me and then looked back up at me. He smiled big and tossed the ball up at me. I tensed up but it only hit my stomach softly, breaking apart. I laughed and looked down at him. "Feel better?" He nodded and jumped around wiping off his hands on his jacket. "Now…you can't do that every time you're angry. Talk to me or your brother or sister or poppa okay?" He nodded running into me wrapping around my legs. I bent down quick and scooped him up walking to the front doors.
I didn't have to wait very long, which was new. I think the nurses and doctors hated seeing me because I kept getting worse. But now, everyone was smiling big, greeting me like I wasn't dying. It was nice. The kids got to sit in with me, which was again new. Chris kept Sammy and Joey entertained for the full two minutes I waited for my doctor. When he came in, he was smiling big and took a seat quick scooting towards me. "Mr. Knight! How are you feeling today?"
"Good…a little sore, and cold but fine." He nodded and glanced around.
"Where is your husband?" I swallowed hard and shook my head slightly. He frowned but nodded fast. "Well…I wanted you in today because I have some really terrific news." I sat up straight and he nodded. "The radiation therapy has worked. When we ran it a week ago, it killed 40% of the cancer cells in your lymph nodes." I felt my mouth go dry as he opened a folder. "With that information we were able to map out your treatment and recovery time. By February of this next year, you will be cancer free Mr. Knight."
"In…In three months?" My voice came out quiet and fearful, knowing this had to be some sick joke they were pulling. He nodded and stood up gently patting my arm.
"You are on the road to recovery Kendall." I felt a tear slip out past my left eye and he turned to my kids. I heard Chris ask him something but everything got blocked out. I was happy…ecstatic and overwhelmed. I felt like I was already cured just hearing the news. I could have jumped around and danced my ass off with excitement. But something was holding me back. A strong hold was keeping me on the bed and not celebrating my newly extended life. When I glanced behind me I saw Chris holding Sammy tight smiling big at the doctor who was explain to Joey and that made me feel good too…but something was missing.
Logan.
Sorry this chapter was kind of long. A lot of things happened. But…Good news right! Tell me what you think?!