Logan's P.O.V.

It almost felt normal. It almost felt real, like maybe it was Kendall holding me, touching me, loving me. But it wasn't. It never would be the same. No one compares to him. Not even the man letting me sleep in his bed. He was my best friend, actually right now, he was my only friend. Including my husband I managed to push everyone away. But given our past, James was always going to be there for me. No complaints here I just really wished I was brave and strong enough to pick myself up, lick my wounds and go back to my family.

I managed to get my eyes open and keep them open seeing nothing but the dark wall in front of me. James's bed was flushed right up against his wall and when I fell asleep last night, I fell on my stomach facing the wall. His bed was huge and comfy but you could still tell when someone moved on it. I felt the slight dip behind me and sighed snuggling deeper and harder in the clean and fresh white sheets. "Logan Mitchell…" I closed my eyes feeling a very soft, warm hand on the middle of my back and hot breath on my neck. "Wake up."

"It's Knight."

"No it's day time…" I felt him lay down right next to me resting his head on the top of my back.

"I meant my last name. It's Knight. Not Mitchell."

"Keep telling yourself that." I opened my eyes quick and felt like throwing up. "He called you. I was going to answer it but…figured if he heard my voice answering your phone I'd be dead." I felt him yawn and it made me yawn with him. "So…as soon as you wake up, you can call him and go back to him."

"James…he doesn't care whether or not I crash my car trying to race home to him. I've lost him already. Granted it was my fault…"

"God dam-it how does Kendall do it?" I raised my head quick and turned it. I saw his bare shoulder, but really wanted to see his face. I reached back and pushed him by his head, running my fingers through his perfect gorgeous locks. He pushed off me and fell back on his pillow yawning again. I turned my body, laying on my side and lifted up, resting on my elbow.

"How does Kendall do what?" He turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

"How does Kendall deal with you, and your negative attitude and your outright dumbass thoughts. " I dropped my jaw and he sat up, leaning on both his elbows still staring at me. "Why'd you call me? Why on Earth would you ask me for a shoulder to cry on, when you have two perfectly good ones attached to your husband?" I closed my mouth and slowly laid myself back down. "Logan I have to tell him." He also laid back down and turned his body towards me, scooting closer. One of his big warm hands went onto my cheek and his thumb rubbed under my eye on my cheek bone. "He's still my best friend, just like you are, and I need to tell him I kissed you."

"Technically I kissed you." He sighed and stopped running the thumb over my cheek. "He's going to hate me James. I did it again…"

"No Logan. I did not penetrate you." I groaned and pushed away from him lying on my back. "Logan…it's not like last time. Neither of us were drunk and I didn't get your pants off even when you told me you were getting married. You came to me sad and feeling alone. I held you and pulled you in to hug you, and kissed you instead. If Kendall doesn't understand, then I'll hurt him bad." I ran my hands through my hair and sighed out hard. "Don't you think it's kind of unfair only Kendall gets you?" I turned to him quick and sat up staring at him, appalled. He sat up chuckling and it only pissed me off more. "There he is. There's the Logan Knight I know. The one who sticks up for himself and for his love. Don't do this again Logan. Especially with how Kendall is. Don't do it again." I could only nod, feeling like a giant douche bag and he pulled me into his body hugging me. "Go home to your family Loges. I'll give Kendall a call and tell him what I did." I pushed off him fast and wiped my eyes.

"He's going to hate you."

"I can handle it." I frowned and he shrugged swinging his legs off the bed. "I'd rather lose my best friend then see you lose the love of your life." I swallowed hard and put my hands in my lap, looking down at them. "Come on…I'll make you a cup of coffee for the road." I watched him walk out of the room pulling on a sweater. I kicked the blankets off my legs and crawled to the other side of his huge bed, yawning. I only had my jeans on still and when my bare feet touched the ground, I shivered and walked quickly to my shirt folded on James's desk. I grabbed it and pulled it on quick, shivering again. I saw my phone next to my wallet and keys and sweater and reached for it. I turned it on seeing one missed call form Kendall, and kind of felt even more awful. I turned the phone off fast slipping it in my back pocket and grabbing my sweater. I put my wallet in my pocket grabbed my keys and bent down grabbing my shoes.

James had my mug of coffee ready just as I finished tying up my shoes. He gave me a big smile and a big hug, before walking me out to my car. I gave him one last hug before climbing in my car. He sat on his porch while he watched he pull out of his snowy driveway and drive down his street. I honked once, saying one last goodbye not knowing if that was last time I would ever see James.

I tried not to think about me cheating on Kendall. It was a dark and cold time in my life and it actually almost ruined my life. I could have lost Kendall then. But he stuck by me. He almost killed James, but he stuck by me…

"James…I'm getting married in two days…" I gripped the back of his shirt to pull him away from my neck but his grip on my waist tightened. I closed my eyes groaned when I felt his tongue trace a line up from the shell of my ear down to my collarbone. My body started to betray me and I felt myself get hard. He took notice and pushed up over me. His hair was a mess and his eyes were hooded with lust. "James I can't' do this…"

"You can't or don't want Kendall finding out?" I tried getting up, hearing him saw Kendall's name but I didn't get very far. My head was swarming from the vodka I had downed earlier and fell back groaning. "Come on Loges…what he doesn't know what hurt him." I watched him get back over me as his hands worked on my pants. In my drunken state, my mind and body agreed with him and before I knew it he was inside me…

I gripped the wheel pressing down on the gas harder. It was bad enough to have to be reminded of that night every time I saw James, but to know what it did to Kendall was awful. He got in a bad fist fight with James, both breaking bones. Kendall never recovered with James after that. They acted fine with each other for Carlos's and my sake. But they never got back to being best friends like before, and it was my fault. I think as more years passed, they got better. They even hung out by themselves, going to the ice rink, but that was about it. I still know somewhere in the back of my mind, Kendall has his doubts about my faithfulness but he stayed with me.

I parked in the empty driveway of our house and got out slamming the door hard. I walked up as fast as I could and pushed the door open. It was unlocked, but I didn't care. "Kendall?" I stopped and listened hearing nothing. I frowned and walked into the kitchen. All the kids backpacks and lunch boxes were on the kitchen table, along with two empty oatmeal bowls. I walked further in and went to the garage quick. I pulled open the door and felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. Kendall's car was gone, but Chris's and Maggie's was still parked in the garage. That plus the kids things still here could only mean one thing. "Kendall?!" I turned quick and ran back through the kitchen to the stairs which I took two at a time. My only destination was my bedroom, to check to see if there was blood or…something telling me he was hurt or had taken a turn for the worse. My ears caught a noise just as I was about to turn into the room. It sounded like running water. I froze quick and turned back around seeing the girls bathroom door shut. The light was on and I could hear the faint water running in the tub. I swallowed hard and slowly wale dot the door "Samantha? Maggie?" I knocked first, not wanting to be embarrassed seeing my two daughters in the bathroom. There was no response. I swallowed a hard lump and put my hand on the knob. When I turned it I was expecting a cry form one of the girls telling me the wanted privacy. But nothing. What I got was the water running harder and when the door pushed open further I felt my body moving in the bathroom slowly, seeing what I was seeing.

Maggie was in the bathtub, completely unconscious. The bathtub was just about to run over with the water and when I got closer I could see red mixed in with the clear water. "Mags…" I ran into the wall next to me and felt myself sliding down. I could see two very clear cuts on her small delicate wrists. "Maggie…Mags…" I hit the floor hard, just inches from the tub and her body. She wasn't awake, and I couldn't tell if she was breathing. I reached out a hand and gently touched her head. "Maggie? Maggie…baby…can you hear me?" Something snapped in my head, telling me to get up, and get her out of the tub. I got up on my knees and reached in pulling her small little body up. "Maggie! Open your eyes honey!" I pulled her out and fell back against the wall cradling her head and reaching up behind me for a pink towel hanging up. "Maggie Jane…baby girl it's me, poppa! Open your eyes." I quickly wrapped both her wrists around the towel and pulled her closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder and in the crook of my neck. I felt the tears pouring out, and I felt water hitting my butt. I didn't even think to turn off the water. It wasn't important. All I thought about was getting her out, holding her and calling for help. But when I reached in my back pocket, my phone was drenched in water. It wouldn't even turn on. I panicked but picked her up, holding her tight to my body. I walked out of the bathroom and walked quickly into her own room. I set her on her bed and grabbed her cell phone on the nightstand. I quickly dialed 911 and set it to my ear, holding around the towel, around her wrists. My call was answered on the second ring and I gave all my information to the lady on the other end. She said 5 minutes tops and to keep holding the open cuts to stop the bleeding. When I hung up I set her phone back on her night stand and went to sit down next to her body, but something else on her nightstand caught my eyes. It was an open journal and at the very top of the left page, was "UGLY" in bold black letters. I let go of her wrists with one of my hands and grabbed the book. The entire page was covered in ugly, written over and over. I was slightly confused because Maggie was anything but ugly. She was the most beautiful girl, next to Sammy, in the world. In the universe. How she could ever think different hurt me down to the core.

In two minutes I heard frantic knocks at the front door. I yelled for them to come in and told them upstairs, second door on the left. I heard hurried footsteps and stood up still holding her wrists. Three paramedics came in with a stretcher.

"How old is she?"

"17, almost 18." One nodded and walked to the other side of her bed. "Is she going to be okay?" he didn't look at me and I was gently pushed to the side so the other two could go help.

"Is she on any medications?" I shook my head staring down at them checking for her pulse and looking at the cuts. "Has she been struggling with depression?" I was left speechless not knowing how to answer. I didn't know if she had been, but obviously if has come to this. "Let's get her on the stretcher. This need to be closed up." Two of them went to getting her ready while the third walked to me and pulled me to the side. "You're her father?" I nodded looking at this guy who couldn't be older than 21. "She was cutting for real this time."

"This…this time?" He turned to see the other two putting her on the gurney and sighed turning back to me.

"There were old scars. I'm sorry sir…I didn't know, you didn't know…" He stopped and blushed looking down. "Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like to ride with us?" I nodded quick and he motioned for me to follow him out.

"Can you do me one favor?" He looked back at me as we walked down the stairs and I sighed wiping my eyes. "Call my husband. Tell him what happened?" The guy nodded quick and we hurried out after the other two and Maggie.

Since Kendall's diagnosis, I've hated hospitals. And seeing my 17 year old daughter being pushed into one bleeding form the wrists was just as bad. I could faintly hear the guy I asked to call Kendall on the phone in the ambulance but I blocked it out. When we got to the hospital I was led to a fairly empty waiting room. I took a seat right by the doors so I could be told when I could see her, right away. It sucked being all alone, cold and wet, with my daughters blood on my body. It was a real eye opener seeing her like that, but what was worse was the journal with ugly written all over it. I was a horrible parent. I was a horrible person. I let things get this bad. Kendall would never forgive me. Maggie would never forgive me. I couldn't ever forgive me.

"Logan? Maggie?" I stood up quick turning around completely seeing Kendall walking, more like running towards me. He was looking around and even asked a nurse where i was and where his daughter was. I swallowed hard, rubbing my hands on my pant legs. When he turned his head towards me he stopped moving completely. I felt more tears coming out and slowly started walking towards him. "Logan…are…" He walked towards me and when we were a foot away he stopped and breathed out hard. "Where is she?"

"ICU…they have to…close up her wrists."

"Is she going to be okay?" I nodded and he set his hand son his hips. "Are you okay?" I nodded fast and looked down at the ground. "Don't lie to me. I know you too well…"

"Kendall I just walked in on our daughter bleeding to death. How do you think I am?" I looked up quick and he moved close to me grabbing me and pulling me in hard. I closed my eyes fast and hugged tight around him. "She…she wasn't responding to me Kendall…there was old scars…she's been…"

"Doing this for a while." I looked up quick and reached up wiping his eyes. "We got in a fight." I frowned and pulled away from him.

"Can we not talk about that right now?"

"Logan…Maggie and I got in a fight." I froze and he looked around spotting a chair and moved to it slowly. I put a hand on his back and helped him sit down. "Chris heard her crying last night and went to check on her, only to find her with a razor to her wrists." I sat down hard and he looked to me, crying and almost shaking. "I asked her about it this morning before I went to the doctors. I told her she wasn't this weak and selfish…oh my God Logan…I screamed at her. I yelled at her. This is my fault." I scooted closer shaking my head and grabbed the sides of his face pulling it up to look at me.

"Do not blame yourself baby…Maggie has been having problems for a while." He frowned and wiped his nose. I let go of him just to grab his hand and squeeze it tight. "I saw one of her journals open. She had Ugly written all over it. I didn't get a chance to look any further, but it didn't look good." He turned away breathing out and rubbing his free hand over his bald head. I reached out again and put my free hand on his neck when I remembered something he had just said. "You had to go to the doctors?" He looked up quick and smiled small.

"You didn't listen to my voicemail?" I shook my head and he watched a nurse walk by before turning back to me. "They called early this morning, asking me to come in for some tests and a checkup." I literally felt my heart drop to my toes, hoping this day wasn't about to get worse. "By Valentine's day…I'll be cancer free." I stopped breathing waiting for the joke part of this, but it didn't come. "The therapy worked Loges. 40% of the cancer was killed with the radiation, and in the next few months, doing a few more treatments, I'll be cancer free." I let go of his neck and his hand and put both my hands on my mouth closing my eyes and sobbing into my hand. "Shush baby…it's okay. Everything is going to be okay…come here." I was pulled into him and as best as he could he managed to pull me up on his lap in the chair. "Please tell me your crying because you're happy." I nodded and sobbed out at the same time. He chuckled deeply and kissed the top of my head. "On the way over here, James called." My eyes opened fast and I sat up quick. I turned down to him and he didn't look sad or angry, or happy. Just blank. I swallowed hard and wiped my tears away. "He told me he came onto you again and kissed you." I didn't move or nod in agreement so he sighed and reached up running a hand through my hair. "We aren't going to talk about last night, or worry about it right now. We're going to focus on Maggie and when she's out of here and better, we'll talk." I nodded slowly and let him pull me back down on him. I shut my eyes and snuggled into his skinny but welcoming body while James's voice ran through my head.

"I'd rather lose my best friend then have you lose the love of your life…"