Chapter 20
(Madge POV)
I'm lost in a memory assignment when Gale comes home, surprising me by being early. I push my work to the floor and smile at him.
"Hey, what are you doing here? Not that I'm complaining." I say as I reach up to kiss him.
"Would you believe it if I said I skipped out of work cause I missed you already?"
"I like it, but what's really going on?"
He sighs and plops down on the bed facing me. "Gotta talk something over with you."
A knot instantly forms in the pit of my stomach. No conversation ever brings good news when it starts out like that. "Okay. So talk, I'm listening." I say, trying to ignore the pit and be optimistic.
He takes my hands in his and his eyes shine with nervousness. I was right. This won't be a fun talk. "I received a work reassignment today. Got transferred to the Defense Department."
My stomach knots up even more. Defense Department. That means more missions. "How'd that happen?"
"Katniss recommended it. I'd be on on Haymitch's team, filling in for her while she recovers but even after she comes back on full duty, I'd have to stay there."
"Oh." I say trying desperately to hide my disappointment. I don't want him on the team that goes out on missions. I want him here. With me. But is it fair for me to feel that way?
"But hey, before you go getting upset, you should know that I didn't accept the transfer yet. I talked it over with Haymitch and then again with Katniss and I told them I couldn't agree to anything until you and I discussed it."
"I'm not upset." I say trying a little to hard to sound normal and making my voice sound high pitched.
"It's okay if you don't want me to do it. There's a big part of me that would rather stay here with you anyway."
"And the rest of you? It wants to go out on missions and fight against the Capitol?"
"Yeah. It does. But like I told them, I won't go anywhere without you saying it's okay."
"Don't do that Gale. Please don't put this decision all on me."
"Not on you, on us. But your feelings matter a lot. What do you think? And be honest."
"That feeling I had when you were gone last time, it was horrible. It was as if the minute you left, I just felt so empty. I would hate to feel that all over again. But I also know that you could be very valuable to the Defense Department, definitely more valuable than washing dishes."
"You should know, that sometimes I wouldn't be able to tell you where it was I was going or what the reason was. And Haymitch says that because my face is recognizable that they'd likely only send me out of 13 if need be. That I'd be here the rest of the time. But the possibility that I'd leave would always be there."
"Is it terrible that I don't want you to go? I know it's selfish of me." I ask as I look down at the blanket. I feel tears coming on and I really don't want want to cry about this. Stupid lack of control over my emotions.
"I can't say I don't feel the same. I want to be here with you. All the time. Not off trying to help the rest of Panem. It isn't easy for me to be away from you either."
"So we're both selfish then?" I joke a little. He gives me a smile and reaches up to wipe away one tiny tear that slips down my cheek.
"Who can blame us, I mean, we are pretty amazing together." He jokes back.
"But I also know that without brave rescue teams, neither of us would be here right now. We might not even be together. I might be dead were it not for someone being willing to be part of a mission to save me."
He sighs again and pulls me to him, pressing his forehead against mine. "I know."
"Do you think we could get Haymitch to bend some rules?"
"What do you mean? What rules?"
"Like if you were out on a mission, do you think I could know where you were or when you might be back? Or maybe someone in defense could keep in contact with me a little on the longer missions, just so I know everythings alright?"
"Maybe. Be worth asking anyway. Wanna come with me to talk to him in the morning? I'm meeting him at 9."
"Maybe. It depends. If we haven't come to a decision by tomorrow morning, then yes, I will. Let's just sort of think this all over tonight and we can decide tomorrow before you go to see him."
"Okay. That sounds fair to me."
"What did Katniss say about it? Was she able to say anything about it?"
"Not much. She did seem pretty surprised that I wasn't jumping at it right away. Like she was having a hard time seeing why I needed to talk it over with you first."
"Oh. I do appreciate it though. I mean, you talking to me about it first."
"I'd never do it any other way. Katniss just has a hard time understanding that because she still sees me as the same person she left behind when she went into her games. Old me would've been fighting like crazy to be switched over to the Defense Department."
"Do you miss it being like that? Your life, I mean? How it was before?"
"Never. Not once. Before you, everything was just about surviving. Stay alive, keep my family alive. Being with you makes it better. I'm actually living now. There's a purpose. As cheesy as all that may sound."
"It's not cheesy. I think that must be how love is. Although I'm not sure any of us will ever really get to live."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that being hidden away underground isn't truly living. And the rest of Panem isn't really living either with the lack of freedom and with the games always hanging over their heads. As long as Panem stays the way it is, with Snow ruling over everything, no one is really getting to live. Not truly anyway."
"Yeah. I know. But it is better here in 13 than it was for us in 12. At least here, no one's trying to put you in the games. And here, we have the essentials. Food, shelter. Each other. It's not perfect being stuck down here but it's a good when you compare it to the alternative."
"I guess so. I'm thankful we're able to be here but it isn't what I would have pictured my life being like."
"What'd you picture?"
"Before you? It wasn't like I pictured anyone or anything specific, I just sort of dreamed I'd have a family and a house. Figured my children would have grandparents to visit and a yard to play in. Just little stuff like that." And then I add "I don't mean to sound ungrateful for what I do have though because I am very, very grateful."
"I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. Those are all perfectly normal things to wish you could have or to see yourself having one day."
"Gale? Did we want a family? I know we got married very early and all but did we ever talk about having children in the future?"
He grins ear to ear and I think I blush a little. "We talked a little about it. Not until right before you left though."
"Well did we want them or not?"
"Oh yeah. A house full of them!" He announces, still grinning.
"Just how big is this house we're filling?" I tease with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, it's massive. We're talking a giant, mansion sized house." He teases as he gestures to the size with his arms.
I reach back and grab a pillow off the bed and hit him with it. He laughs and falls to the side trying to duck out of my way.
"How do you feel about it? Do you want us to have kids one day?" He asks me.
"I don't know. Haven't thought about before now."
"And now?"
"Maybe one day. I'm not sure how good I'd be at it. I'd like to be though. A good mother."
He, still lying on his side on the bed, reaches over and wraps his arms around me, pulling me down to him. "You'll be a wonderful mother. I see how good you are with Posy. And it's always been like that. I've watched you with her as long as we've been together and it's so effortless for you, the way you're able to care for her. I don't doubt for one minute your ability to be a wonderful mother whenever that time comes."
"I hope so. You'll be a great father. You practically already are to Rory, Vick and Posy anyway."
"Yep. One day, one day. We're gonna have that house full one day. Just you wait and see." He says pulling my face to his and lightly kissing the tip of my nose, then my lips.
We lay in comfortable silence for awhile. I think we're both imagining us as parents. I do want to have children with him. One day. Far from now. We are still so very young and I'm just getting accustomed to being married and I still don't have my memory back. It's not the right time for a family right now. Yes, one day I hope to have that house full of children with Gale but for now, I think I'll just enjoy being his wife. And oh how much I do enjoy that. So very much.
(Gale POV)
I'm sound asleep when she wakes me up, shaking me and whispering my name. "Gale, Gale, wake up."
"What's wrong?" I ask going on alert.
"Nothing's wrong. I just have to talk to you for a minute."
"What's up?" I ask as I sit up and reach over to turn up the lights a bit.
"I think you need to do it. I think you should transfer to the Defense Department."
"What makes you so sure? Have you been up thinking about this all night?" I ask her, curious where her mind is at. Wondering what it is that made the choice suddenly clear for her. And hoping she's slept at least a little bit.
"I just think it's what you should be doing. It's what you would've done if I wasn't in the picture. And it's what you'll be best at. It'd be a waste for you not to do this."
"But are you sure? I won't be upset if you want me to stay here instead. I'd be happy to stay a dish washer forever if that made you happy, if that gave you a sense of security." I can't believe she's okay with this. We'd talked about it and she'd been hesitant at best. The more I thought about it this afternoon though, the more I felt like I wanted to do it. I wanted to be a part of what worked to save people from the Capitol's evilness. But I hadn't shared that with her too much. I really did want this to be her decision. And I really was prepared to go into Haymitch's office tomorrow and turn him down.
"I'm sure. I trust Haymitch and if he's leading your team and calling shots, I trust him. He may be a little different than most but he isn't stupid. And I trust you. I know you'll act with caution, with your safety in mind, even when that's a difficult thing given the situations you'll likely encounter. I want you to do this, if that's what you want for yourself. I do."
I'm quiet for a moment taking in what she's saying. Her face reads nothing short of sincerity. She's having a little faith in me and letting me do this. If that's what I want. It's as loving a gesture as I could ever ask for.
"Okay. I'm gonna do it then." I whisper taking a deep breath in. My eyes are locked on hers, searching for any hint of disappointment but instead, all I see is her fighting spirit. She's glad I'm going to do this. I see it all over her face. I lean forward, kiss her softly, whispering "I love you." against her lips.
"I love you too. Now get some sleep, you've got a big day tomorrow. Can't have you falling asleep on the job on your first day." She says as she takes her finger and pokes my forehead with it, pushing me back to lie down again. I do and she snuggles up against me after turning down the lights again.
When I wake up the next morning, she's already up. I hear the shower running so she must be in there. I get up and make the bed so she won't have to do it later. As I wait for her to finish up in there, I spot her memory work assignment on the floor next to the bed. I reach down to pick it up and lay it out in front of me on the bed so I can see what it is. They've been routinely giving her the most random things as assignments. Pictures for her to look at, lists of words, things I don't even understand. And none of it seems to be worth a crap as far as helping her regain any memories in my opinion. This assignment looks to be just more of the same. A series of flash cards with writing on them. I'm about to put them back on the floor when I realize it's Madge's handwriting. On one side of the card there's a word or a name and on the other, she's writing phrases and words. I think it's things she must remember or something.
I flip through the cards and find one with my name on it. I glance back at the bathroom door and can still hear her in there so I figure I have a minute to read my card. I feel a little sneaky and wrong for doing this but at the same time, she did leave it out where I could easily see it anyway so I figure it isn't really a secret or anything. And I'd kinda like to read it without asking her just because it's like getting to see what she really thinks. What she really remembers.
I turn over the card and begin to read the elegant script scrawled on the back. Mostly it's just words.
Katniss's friend, hunter, daring, fan club, girlfriends, family provider, angry, quiet, despises me, rebellious, Seam, handsome
That's what she remembers? That's it? My heart slumps a bit and I think back to before Katniss left for the games. The things she remembers aren't wrong. I was all of those things. But the part that really stabs at me is how much it hurts that she can't remember the things about me that changed once we were together. How I realized it was impossible to despise her because I realized I'd never known her, the real her. How I'd stopped having multiple girlfriends and ignored my so called fan club and had eyes only for her. How I stopped being so angry and found myself with a smile plastered across my face, giddy with love. As happy as I am to have her back, loving me once again, I hate that she can't remember what we had back in 12. She deserves to have those memories.
I flip to another card and see it labeled My Father on the front. On the back it says this.
Mayor of 12. Respectable. Overworked. Tired. Busy. Concerned. Important.
The next card says Myself on the front and on the back it reads these words.
Daughter of the Mayor, pretty, poised, example setter, friendly but friendless, lonely, insignificant.
Oh my God. Is this how she thinks she used to be? Is that how she remembers herself? Lonely and insignificant? That's terrible. She was more than that. She may have been lonely at one point but why can't she remember the time after that when she was anything but lonely? When she was so loved that those around her, those closest to her, would do anything to help her? Her mother, her father, Tripp and myself. We all love her and we all made decisions based on our love for her. And Insignificant? She's anything but that!
I'd give anything to get all her memories back for her. Anything. There's more cards here, lots more and I wish I could go through all of them but I don't have time. I pick up the pencil from the floor and scribble a few words of my own on her card and on mine. If she looks at these cards again, I want her to see what I see when I remember us.
A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews! You guys are so awesome!