Research: Examining pre-existing data in order to have a better understanding of your subject and be able to make an informed hypothesis.
It started slowly. So slowly that for awhile El thought she was imagining it. It was just little things at first. Like letting go of her hand as soon as they sat down or always taking the spot next to Lucas. Then it was deciding to braid her own hair instead of asking for help and keeping her hands to herself almost entirely. She would put off coming over and when she did she'd immediately invite Will to join them. The final conclusive piece was when she insisted on going home after one of Lucas's games. That was the point when El couldn't ignore what was going on anymore. It was to obvious.
Max was avoiding her. And El had no idea why.
She'd racked her brain trying to find a reason. Something she'd done to cause the distance, but she kept coming up short. They hadn't gotten into a fight as far as she knew, and she didn't remember doing anything that would upset Max this badly. Nothing had changed.
Except one thing. The only thing El could think of that might make sense. But it also seemed impossible.
When the thought first popped up El had been quick to dismiss it. It didn't make sense. Max had started pulling away before that day at the diner. It had been happening for weeks before that. So that couldn't be what it was. But it was also undeniable that it had gotten worse afterwards. Before that day it had only been the small things. Things she hadn't thought much of until she looked back on them, but since then they'd slowly been getting bigger and more consistent until they couldn't be ignored.
That didn't feel good. It made El's stomach twist. People caring about who she liked seemed stupid, but she was used to being judged, it only bothered her a little. The idea of Max judging her was different. Made her throat tighten up and her whole body tense. Made it feel like something was slowly closing around her heart.
Maybe if she could just make sense of it things would get better, but it didn't seem to make sense. Lucas had said he was the same and Max hadn't cared. She'd encouraged him to explore it. If it was a problem for her (which by itself felt wrong), why would there be any difference in the way she reacted when it was Lucas vs El? The only real differences between them was that Max was dating him, and Lucas was a boy.
Was that it? Did Max think because she liked girls that meant she liked her?
Did she?
That question stumped El more then she was expecting. It shouldn't have been hard. They were best friends, they did the things best friends did. Nothing more to it, right? Except they didn't act the way Jonathan and Argyle did. Or Lucas and Dustin. Or Will and Mike.
They'd always been more affectionate with each other. Sleepovers were spent curled up on her bed, reading comics or sharing whispered confessions. They hugged whenever they met up and if Max was standing next to her it was inevitable that an arm would be looped through hers or thrown over her shoulders. They'd casually compliment each other without thinking about it and didn't seem to tease in the same way the boys did. But Nancy and Robin acted like that too, at least from what she'd seen, so El had assumed that was just how girls acted with each other.
Robin also liked girls. That hadn't made Nancy stop doing that sort of stuff with her though. Which left El back at square one.
She felt different about Max than her other friends, she always had. Maybe it was just because they were best friends, but honestly, El didn't think so. It wasn't the same as how she'd felt about Mike, but that was the closest example she could think of. She'd get excited at the idea of hanging out, even just seeing her at lunch. Compliments left her more flustered then they had before. She'd look for any excuse to touch Max, seemed to crave it in a way she didn't from other people.
The realization sank into El's stomach. If she was being honest it had been growing there for awhile, but she'd been doing her best to ignore it. Now it seemed to settle in her, to obvious to ignore. But it was also useless. Even if she acknowledged the feelings it didn't change anything. El didn't want their dynamic to change. Even if she did Max was dating Lucas. She'd never seen a relationship as stable as theirs was. Max was happy, she couldn't ruin that.
Even if Max would be just as happy with her, El would have been reluctant. She didn't want Lucas to be sad either. He'd spent so long being sad when Max was in a coma. He'd tried not to focus on it well the others were around. He'd tell jokes, or laugh, or talk about whatever good news the doctors had brought in. Trying to be hopeful so they wouldn't worry about him on top of everything else. But when it was just the two of them he'd let more of it show. She had too. After everything that had happened, he deserved to be happy. Max made him happy. El couldn't take that away, and she couldn't risk loosing him either.
Which only left one option. It didn't feel good, but it was the only logical conclusion. She just had to ignore it. Somehow convince Max that it was something that could be ignored. That nothing had to change between them. El had no idea how to do that. Especially not without outright admitting to the feelings, but she would figure it out. A way to show Max that they could just keep going how they had been before, nothing needed to change. Even if it hurt sometimes, it would be better then this awkward avoidance they'd been doing. Having Max as her best friend was better than not having her at all. Especially if the alternative ran the risk of ruining her relationship with Lucas too. This would be for the best, for all of them.
El still felt confused. Her instinct was to talk about it, but the people she'd normally do that with weren't options. Not for this. She'd just have to figure it out on her own. And fast. Before her relationship with them fell apart completely.
Lucas had proven to be good at a lot of things over the years. Science whiz, trivia mastermind, basketball star, decent cook. Out of all of them the one he felt was the most important was being able to tell what was going on with Max without having to be told.
For example, when her hands started to fidget it meant she was nervous, verses when her leg bounced it meant she was restless. If she brushes the back of her hand against his leg it means she wants to be holding hands but doesn't know where his is. Her thumb rubbing his hand was her way of assuring him she was only kidding. And when she started to pull away… that meant trouble.
Most of the time Lucas tried to give her space, but sometimes what Max needed was a push. A reminder that she could talk to him about anything, and after the third day in a row of excuses, he knew he had to do something.
"Hey, practice ended early, so I was thinking I could grab some food and come over?" Lucas watched as his teammates exited the gym, but his entire attention as on the phone pressed to his ear.
"Don't you have that big paper you need to work on?" It was hard to make out the nuances of Max's response, but it was an obviously weak excuse.
"I've still got a few days. Come on, I've missed you. And I could even swing by the Byers' and pick up El on the way if you want?"
"No."
Lucas frowned at the immediateness of the answer, but Max was following it up only a second later. "No, you're right, we haven't had the chance to hang out recently. We should spend some time together."
She wasn't wrong, and wanting time alone with her boyfriend was a totally justified thing to want. Something about it just felt… off. Lucas couldn't remember the last time Max had been opposed to the idea of El hanging out with them too. One of the guys? Sure, there were plenty of times they'd decided they'd rather just hang out together than invite them over. El though? He wasn't sure that had ever happened. But that was a conversation to have in person.
"Okay." Luckily the phone probably hid his feelings just as well as it did hers. "Burgers?"
"Whatever you want to do is fine, I'll see you soon."
"Okay. Love you."
"Yeah, love you too."
Then the line went dead.
Despite his concern, Lucas didn't push the subject right away. Throughout dinner he did his best to just act like everything was normal and have a nice night, but it never felt quite right. Max was still more standoffish, and the worry was still tickling the back of his brain, not letting him fully relax. It felt like something was hanging over them, and try as they might, they couldn't ignore it forever.
Max was the one who ultimately addressed it. "I can practically feel you watching me. Just spit out whatever it is you want to say."
It was scary sometimes, how well Max was able to read him even without visual cues, but he also liked to think that if the places were reversed he'd be able to do the same.
"I'm just concerned," he started carefully. Yes, Max needed a push sometimes, but to big or to fast and she might shut down instead. "You've been acting kind of weird."
"I've been acting weird?" Max scoffed, but the humor she was clearly aiming for didn't land as well as it should have. "Wow, super specific."
"You're quieter, snappier, fidgeting more." Those were the easy ones. Lucas let out a breath, reaching over to take her hand. "Max, you've been pulling away."
"I have not." It didn't sound like even she believed her words. "It's just been a busy few days."
"It's been worse the last few days, but it's been going on for longer then that." Lucas was careful to keep his voice measured, but refused ot let up. "And it's not just me. It's been even worse with El."
"Seriously? Just because I wanted to spend one night alone with my boyfriend?"
Max was clearly agitated. Her leg was bouncing, and well she hadn't taken her hand back from his she wasn't really holding it either. Meanwhile her free hand was gripping the edge of the couch.
On the surface it was a fair statement, but the three of them functioning as a group wasn't a recent development. It had started at the hospital when both Lucas and El had wanted to spend as much time with Max as possible. Then when she got home it had just made sense. Max had needed people around to help her well she was readjusting, the more the better. At some point that had stopped being the case, but they'd just never stopped. Even a year later the three of them were still more likely to hang out as a group than not, and none of them had seemed to have a problem with it. And it wasn't like the two of them never hung out without El, just like El and Max had girls nights he wasn't invited to sometimes. So, no, Lucas didn't buy the idea that Max was just suddenly worried about having enough alone time with him.
"No, because you're avoiding her," Lucas reiterated, refusing to let her deflect. This was to important. "It's not just tonight. You've been pulling away from her for weeks."
"Great, you done over analyzing my friendships now?" Max snapped, pushing herself up. "Because I'm done talking about it."
She was already moving by the time Lucas stood up, beeling for the kitchen with her wrappers. He didn't follow, but his eyes stayed on her. "Don't do that."
"I'm not doing anything."
"Just talk to me." Something was tightening around Lucas's chest, a knot of anxiety starting to take root in his stomach, but he was doing his best to ignore them.
She didn't turn around. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine."
"Max." His hands clenched at his side, he was suddenly aware of his breathing and how uneven it was. "You're obviously not fine."
"Fine, I'm not." Max finally turned towards him, frustration clear on her face. "Happy?"
"Of course not," Lucas snapped in return, adrenaline making it come out harsher than he'd intended.
"I don't know what to tell you."
"Just tell me what's going on." He couldn't do this again. His voice was closer to desperation than frustration, but he didn't care. It didn't matter. He just needed her to talk to him. "Max, please."
"I can't, okay?" Her hands were clenched at her side, jaw set. "I just can't. I need to figure it out on my own."
"Because that worked out so well last time."
Everything seemed to stall. Suddenly his anxiety had shifted, guilt taking it's place. Max's face softened, showing clear disbelief for only a second before it hardened again, anger setting in instead.
"You think I don't know I fucked up? I'm going to be living with the consequences of it for the rest of my life." It was softer then Lucas had been expecting, but if anything that just made him more worried. Max's whole body was tense, frustration seeming to radiate off of her. "So when I say there's something I need to deal with by myself, I have a good fucking reason."
"I know. I know I shouldn't have said that. But I also know you well enough to know when something's bugging you. I've been trying to give you space, but it's been weeks, and I can't just let it go." Lucas shook his head, trying to find something that could make the situation better without letting it go completely. "Not again. Especially not if-"
He stopped himself short, but it was to late. Max had already latched onto the words, "Go on, you haven't held back so far. If what?"
Lucas watched her for a moment, but her expression was set. Max wasn't going to back down from it. Reluctantly he answered. "The first time I noticed it was after that day at the diner."
According to El it had been going on for longer then that, but it had seemed to get worse after that point.
There was the slightest hesitation before Max scowled. "Seriously? That's what this is? You think I'm avoiding El because she told us she likes girls? You really think I'd care about that?"
"No, I really don't think you would, that's why I'm confused," Lucas assured, but Max's expression didn't change. She'd locked it into a scowl, she didn't want him to see whatever she was really feeling. Which meant it scared her, but for the life of him Lucas couldn't figure out why it would.
"Great, glad to know that at least you don't think that lowly of me."
"Max-" he sighed.
"Don't. You don't get to act annoyed when you're the one accusing me of caring about who my friend likes."
"I'm not accusing you of anything," Lucas shook his head, frustration growing again despite his intentions. How may circles were they going to go in? "You're avoiding El, it got worse after she told us, I'm pointing it out because I want there to be another explanation."
"Fucking Christ Lucas, I don't care if El likes girls."
"Okay, then why are you pulling away?"
"Because I think I might!"
Lucas froze. Max's expression finally cracked, but he only had a moment to process the new one before Max was pushing past him and heading down the hallway to her room.
"You're wearing the dress Maxine, that's the end of it."
"I don't see why you get a say in what I wear," Max snapped in return. It was stupid, blatantly disagreeing with him, but her choices right now were anger or fear. The last thing she'd ever do was let Neil know she's scared of him. She'd take anger over that any day.
Neil's voice was frighteningly calm despite the anger radiating off of him. "Things are already complicated enough. I won't have people thinking my daughter is queer."
"It's a good thing I'm not your daughter than."
"Maxine." Her mother's voice was sharper, more urgent, than she'd ever heard it before. Max ignored it.
"Max."
She had no idea how long she'd been sitting there. She barely remembered pushing past Lucas or slamming the bedroom door behind her. For some reason she was sitting on the floor under her window, but Max had no idea why. That's just where she'd ended up.
"Hey, Max," Lucas's voice was steady. Calm. All of the anger he'd had earlier was gone, which logically was a good thing, but somehow the calm seemed scarier. It was much more likely to pull her out, get her to open up.
There was a pause, then a tentative hand was placed on her arm. Max drew in her knees a little more, but she didn't shake off the hand. "Max, where are you at?"
The words were almost like a trigger. She didn't unfold herself, knees still up, face buried in her arm, her breath shaky. But she did relax a little as soon as she heard them. It was something they'd started when she first woke up and struggled to keep the world around her straight and separate from the world in her head. The question forced her into the present rather then getting lost in memory.
"I'm here, I'm in my room," Max assured, but her breathing was still hitched, voice shaky.
Despite it being obvious she wasn't okay, Lucas didn't push, just squeezed her arm a little. "Okay, good. You're okay. It's just us."
"Yeah, just us," Max mumbled, trying to slow her breathing.
"You're okay," Lucas repeated, rubbing her arm. "I'm sorry I pushed you."
"It's okay. I'm sorry I scared you." She should have known better. Of course pulling away like that would freak him out.
"It's okay."
Max smiled a little. "We're starting you sound like a broken record."
"Maybe a little." Lucas actually laughed. Not much, but enough. "At the risk of repeating myself again, what you said, at the end, that would be okay too."
Max tensed.
"Do you want everyone to think you're a dyke?"
"No it's not." Her voice was small. Normally she would hate that, but in that moment Max didn't care. It was just Lucas, he was one of the few people she was okay seeing her like this.
"Of course it is." Lucas's voice never wavered, but his hand shifted, resting on her neck instead, thumb rubbing the space between her ear and cheek, trying to encourage her to look up. Max refused. "You're not alone. You said it yourself, when El and I told you about how we felt. You said it was okay then, right?"
"That's different."
"Why?" That was so Lucas. No disagreement or pushback, just accepting the answer but trying to get her to explain. She both loved and hated it.
"Just- because." He wasn't going to accept that.
"Because why?" Not pushy or frustrated. Almost as if he was trying to guide her to an answer he already knew even though there was no way he could.
Max squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the knots in her stomach. She knew the answer, but it took a moment before she could force herself to say it. "He can't be right."
"Hey, stay here. Stay with me." There was a squeeze at her shoulder. Max forced herself to focus on the spot of contact, keeping herself grounded in the present. "He's not here anymore. What he thinks doesn't matter."
"But if- if he's right-"
"Then he got a lucky guess." Lucas interrupted, stopping the thought before she could follow it to the conclusion. "Max, he was an asshole who didn't know the first thing about you. Just because he happened to get one thing right, that doesn't mean anything else he said was true."
Max was doing her best to listen to him, to follow what he was saying. Lucas was always so logical, able to lay things out in a way her brain could latch onto when it was spiraling. Paired with the spot of contact, the steady reminder that he was there, she felt herself starting to calm down. Slowly she raised her head.
"There you are." It was still soft, but obviously relieved. Max could still picture the small smile she was sure Lucas was giving her.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he assured. Max felt him shift, and a second later there was a kiss to her forehead. "He's gone. You don't have to worry about him anymore."
"Who was that?"
Max tensed. She'd assumed her mom would be asleep, but it wasn't like it really mattered, her curfew hadn't been enforced since Neil left. Instinctively she almost lied anyway, but stopped herself. There wasn't any point. Her mom wouldn't care. Not the way Neil would have.
"Lucas." Then, after a second of hesitation. "My boyfriend."
Something crossed her mom's face that she couldn't quite place. "Your boyfriend?"
"Yeah?" Max watched her carefully. "Is that a problem?"
"No." The reply was quick, and a second later her mom's expression shifted again. This time into something unmistakable. Relief. "I'm glad."
"He's not the only one we have to worry about." Despite looking up and her breathing evening out, her voice was still soft.
"I know." Lucas was next to her now, shifting to put his arm around her shoulders. Steady and protective, and at least for that moment Max knew she was safe. "But we'll figure it out. We always do."
He was right, they always did. That's what they'd been doing ever since they met, with the possible exception of freshman year. They'd gotten through worse then this. They could figure it out.
"Yeah, we always do," Max agreed, letting herself lean against him. "Thank you."
A kiss was pressed to her temple. "Nothing to thank me for."
There was. More then she could even begin to say, but luckily she didn't have to. Lucas already knew. "You're the best."
There was a small chuckle. "I try."
"You succeed." Slowly she unwrapped her arms, reaching up to take his hand and squeeze gently instead. "No idea how I got this lucky."
"I love you." Was the only response, paired with another kiss to her temple.
"I love you too." As if there could be any question. Even when everything else was spiraling around her, Max had always been sure of that. She loved him and by some miracle, he loved her in return.