I own Nothing

Once again he set alone in the park, he felt sick with himself, and he wanted to blame his father for what happened, he wanted to kill the man. But he couldn't help but think how it was his entire fault, if only he had done something, if only he had of fought then things could have been different.

But he was scared; he was scared that if he fought he may cross the line that he had marked out for himself. It didn't matter in the end he crossed it whether he was willing to or not. By his actions he had hurt someone; he had hurt his friend, the only one that he truly thought of as a friend.

He would leave Tokyo-3, he didn't know where he would go, he didn't know what he would do, all he knew was he needed to be as far away from here as possible.

He could go back to his old teacher, but he didn't want that, he wanted to be somewhere where no one knew his name, somewhere that he didn't need to wear the masks he had crafted. He wanted to be free from the burden that he had placed on his own shoulders.

Sitting there he had to wonder why he didn't do something; he knew he didn't want to hurt another person. He believed that if he were to cross that line he would have to create a mask to suit it, and he didn't want to create another mask. 'Maybe it was all the eyes on me.'

The thought wasn't strange he had done it his whole life; he has acted the way that people thought he should act. He hated himself even more as the thoughts ran through his head, 'Toji got hurt because I acted the way everyone thinks I should act.'

He can feel the hatred rise up, the same hatred that comes every time he thinks about how he acts towards others. How he tries to live so he won't be hated by anyone. And now because of that someone was hurt.

He could feel the sting in his eyes as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He hated it, he hated every moment he had acted so that others wouldn't hate him, he hated how he was, and he hated that someone was hurt because of him.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to shout. He wanted to stop hating himself so much, "Why can't I just be me?" He didn't shout it like he wanted to but he did speak aloud, louder than any time before. He buried his head in his arms and let the tears he has held in for so long be released.

He wanted it to stop, for even just one moment he wanted to stop wearing his masks. He was shaken from his thoughts as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you alright Ikari?"

He recognised the voice, slowly raising his head from his hands he tried to wipe away the tears that streaked his face. "Why are you here Class rep?" He didn't mean for his voice to sound cold, he wasn't even sure at that moment how he wanted to be.

"I saw you on the way home you looked troubled."

He lowered his eyes to the grass again; he had to wonder if he just stayed quiet would she leave.

"You know the offer still stands; if you want to talk I will listen."

He turned to look at her; he noted that it was the same as the other day, while she looked nervous her eyes shone with honesty that he had never known someone could have. He felt nervous looking at her, he couldn't help it. Every time he looked at her he felt nervous and was torn between looking away and continuing to look.

"I… am leaving Tokyo-3" he didn't know why he started with that; he didn't know why he answered her in the first place. Part of him hoped she would leave, not wasting her time trying to be nice to him, he didn't deserve it. He wanted to turn away from her, but he couldn't stop himself from looking at those eyes. 'I never noticed they are slightly Hazel.'

"Why?"

'Why?' such a simple question, she wanted to know why he would leave when he wanted to know why he ever stayed in the first place.

"I just can't take it any…" his words were cut short as the siren sounded announcing the presence of an Angel.

00-00

"So you're really not going to fight?"

Shinji sat against the wall at the back of the shelter; he didn't know what to say to the question, he thought it was obvious that if he was here it meant that he wasn't going to fight. 'This will be the last time I will have to hear those sirens.'

"I can't do it anymore" he wasn't sure why he was telling her, he wanted it to all be over. He wanted to be far away from Tokyo-3. As he sat his mind wondered back to the event a few days ago, when he had nearly killed Toji. He couldn't believe how it had all turned out; he didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to be the person they all thought he was. 'To be myself, is that too much to want.'

"You can't fight anymore?"

There was no scorn at him for running, no contempt at his actions, she seemed kind of sad. He wasn't sure why she seemed sad. 'Is it because I can't fight?' No he wasn't running from the fighting. He didn't want to act anymore; he didn't want to play pretend, to play the part that people thought. He found it ironic that in running so he wouldn't have to be what they thought he was, he was doing exactly what they thought he would.

"I…I…can't… pretend anymore." He didn't know why he was saying it to her, maybe it was because he was going to leave and he wanted someone to know the truth. Maybe it was because when he looked at her he felt a slight sense of calm mixed in with the nervousness. Maybe he was just tired of lying.

"Pretend?"

He could see the confusion on her face, the low crease in her brows as she said the words; how her eyes seemed to stare off as if she was trying to remember the last time he had acted differently to suit the thought of 'pretend'. It wouldn't help her; she would draw the same conclusion every time.

"Pretend about what?" her voice was soft, but the confusion was evident.

He tried to hold everything in; he tried really hard not to show his problems. He knew that he had done a good job; she had been the one to come closest to realising that he was having problems, but she would never understand it unless it was actually told to her. Maybe it was that line of thought that caused the break, that no one would be able to figure it out unless they were told about it.

He wasn't too sure if that was true or not but it did explain why he had started crying when she asked her question. One of his secret wishes was for another to realise his problems and want to help, for one to see that it was a mask he wore and want to remove it to see what was truly beneath. To see what scared him more than anything else and to protect him from that fear. But alas it would never happen, none would ever see, so no one would ever be there to help.

"It's…alright."

He didn't know when it had happened but she was sitting beside him now with an arm over his shoulder trying to sooth him. He couldn't stop himself from shaking at the contact; it was the first time in his life that someone had come so close to holding him. The more he shook the firmer the hand on him became, he was torn between wanting her to let go so she wouldn't have to put up with him, and wanting her to hold him still.

"You don't have to talk about it." Her voice was soothing; it helped to stop the trembling.

'Why is she being so nice?' it didn't make sense to him, he had never done anything to help her, why would she bother with him. He wanted to follow her words and not talk, he wanted to sit in silence and just wait for the end of the battle so he could leave. But a little part of him wanted something more selfish than that, it wanted her to stay with her arm around him, if he stayed silent she might think he was fine and leave.

He didn't know what caused him to say his next words, maybe it was the selfish part of him that hoped that she would stay where she was and listen. Maybe his more reasonable side thought she could help, or maybe it was because he was tired of lying and pretending.

"I…I…can't take it anymore, all I have ever done in life is lie to those around me." His eyes began to heat up as fresh tears started to form, he could feel the sting in his eyes as they left rolling towards the floor. The firm hand on his shoulder started to waver.

"All I have ever done is pretend to be what everyone thought I was" Trying to stop the tears from falling he placed his hands over his eves hoping that they stem the flow.

"I hate it, I hate acting this way, I hate how others see me" he couldn't help but notice that the hand had left his shoulder; he was probably scaring her off. He couldn't stop though; it felt like a dam was bursting after a few cracks were placed in it.

"I hate pretending that I am like this, just being whatever anyone wants me to be. I'm tired of being this way." He could feel it happening like so many times before, the sadness at how he viewed his life was slowly giving way to anger. He could feel it rising up inside wanting to break free.

"I hate running, being scared, being this pathetic wimp." His could feel his body tremble with anger again, the sting of his hands as his grip tightened digging his fingernails into them, his hair tightening between that grip of his fingers, the force of his palms pushing against his eyes.

"I don't want to be the person that everyone thinks I am I don't want to pretend. All I want is to be me." He could feel the fresh tears leaving his eyes, staining his clothes as they fell.

He couldn't see her with his balled fists covering his eyes, but he knew he had scared her away, he should have known better, he should have known that if someone seen what was lurking beneath it would scare them. It scared him, why wouldn't it scare others.

His mind was at war, part of it wanting to put the masks back on, pretend to be joking, to pretend that he wasn't falling apart. While another part of him wanted to continue, to say the things that he had wanted to say. To say the words that he wanted others to hear. He had given up hope that she would listen, she seemed to be afraid of him.

As his tears fell he could feel the heat in his chest build up, like so many times before when the sorrow got too much it started to change. He would stop feeling sorry for himself, and only anger would remain. The anger that he brought upon himself by playing pretend, by losing himself within the masks he wore.

"Am I not allowed to just be myself? Is that too much to ask?" And like always as fast as the anger came upon him it left. And just like always he sat alone. No matter what happened he would always come to the same conclusion he would never be able to change, he would just keep going around in circles.

"No it's not." The voice was soft barely above a whisper.

He wasn't expecting to hear that, he thought she had left, to let him be by himself like so many others in his life had done. How many times had he asked that question hoping to hear a response, but now that it had finally happened he didn't know what to say.

He slowly removed his hands from covering his eyes to see her kneeling in front of him, he felt like a dear in the headlights. Someone had finally answered the question that he had long plagued himself with and he didn't know what to do next.

He felt that unease build up again as he looked at her, his mind battled between turning away or stay where he was.

"What is it you want to do?"

The more she spoke the easier it was to make the decision to stay. Her face was mixture of emotions; the foremost was sadness and concern. She moved to be seated beside him again.

"If you are tired of pretending, what is it that you want to do?"

It was the question that he had always avoided, what did he want to do. What was it that Shinji Ikari wanted to do?

"I don't want to pretend, all I have ever done is pretend and survive. I don't want to do it any longer." It was a simple truth, all his life was pretending to fit in, to play a part and continue surviving.

"Is that why you're leaving?"

"I don't want to run… I just… I just…" he knew he was close to something, his mind shouted to just put on his mask, to wait and then leave he could be something different once he was out of Tokyo-3. His fingers tried to dig into the floor. He was so close to saying something truthful, a small part of him was aware of the fact that if he didn't say it now, it might be eleven years before he gets to this point again.

The words were on the tip of his tongue but he just couldn't get them out. As he tried to form the words that he wanted to say an image of Toji crossed his mind, and a small voiced whispered in his head, 'you don't deserve to live when you caused him this much pain.'

All the resolve to say anything left his body, the whisper was right, his actions had caused Toji pain how could he sit here and say anything about what he wants. How could he accept the kindness of the girl in front of him?

His body fell limp against the wall, he couldn't say anything, whatever he wanted in life didn't matter he had hurt someone through his actions how could he possibly ask for anything. The world felt cold he wanted to hide away now more than ever but he couldn't; there was no ware to run to, no way to hide. He had come too far to pretend that he had been joking all along; he had nowhere to go he had lost the safety of his masks and now all he could do was stare at what he had wrought.

And she was there in front of him looking for an answer to the question, why did she waste time on him, he hadn't deserved it, she should be with her family now not talking to him. He couldn't meet her eyes; he didn't want to see them.

"I don't deserve to live" his voice sounded foreign to him. He had his answer, no matter what he wanted what he would like, he would only get what he deserved and what he deserved was nothing.

He wasn't to shocked when he felt something hard hit the side of his face, his brain was working on autopilot he had accepted that the answer would provoke a response, and the most likely response to someone who said they didn't deserve life was always to strike them. In some reach of his mind he thought it had to do with knocking sense into the person.

"Why?" she spoke in the same soft tone. He couldn't look at her, he didn't want to see what expression she had, he could guess by the hit that the words angered her, and the sound of her voice implied sadness and confusion. But he didn't want to find out if he was right. He wanted to be alone now more than ever.

The silence seemed to stretch, and he didn't make a move to answer, he would have stayed like that until he felt something soft on the side of his face. He didn't resist the soft tug that brought his eyes level with hers, his breath caught in his throat as he looked into her Hazel eyes. He didn't want to see the concern; he didn't deserve any of it. Why couldn't she understand that?

"Why would you say that?" it was a near whisper, part of him wanted to push her hands away, but he couldn't do it.

"Because of me… because of what I did… Toji… Toji is in the hospital." He watched as the words sank in, her eyes going wide at the news and her hand started to tremble.

"How, what happened?" She was shaking as she spoke, he hated that he caused this.

"Toji was the pilot of Unit 03… it was infected and became an angel" his mind couldn't help but wonder back to the fight, how the lumbering Unit 03 moved over the planes as it walked to Tokyo-03, both Rei and Asuka had been incapacitated by it.

"I didn't want to fight… they wanted me to… I couldn't… there was someone inside it" he could feel his throat clenching as he spoke, the image of the black Evangelion strangling him.

"I did nothing... so they activated the Dummy plug… it… it…" he couldn't finish the sentence his eyes were stinging he didn't even realise when he had started crying again, he closed his eyes he couldn't look at her, he felt the warm hand leave the side of his face.

"I did nothing… if only I had… maybe" he was suddenly cut off when he felt two arms slowly wrap around him.

"It's okay, it wasn't your fault" she said it so soothingly that he wanted to believe her, and for the first time in two days he didn't feel cold.

"If I had of done something" he tried forming a reply but before any more words could leave his mouth she pulled back her head and looked him in the eyes.

"You don't know that, you didn't want to hurt anyone, so it's not your fault" she tried offering a weak smile but her eyes were brimming with tears; she was hurting and trying to comfort him. He couldn't understand it.

"Why, why are you being so kind to someone like me?"

She offered a slightly brighter smile then her previous one, "You're a good person Shinji, it's not your fault so don't say you don't deserve to live, okay" as she ended the sentence her small smile got a little bit bigger, as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Both teenagers sat in silence, Shinji couldn't help but feel slightly awkward with Hikari's arms still around him. After a moment she broke off the hug, he felt slightly less awkward as well as something else that he couldn't quite place.

As she stood up, she looked down at him, he hadn't realised until then he was still gazing into her eyes. She still held a smile as she spoke, "So Shinji what is it that you want to do?" She was still willing to hear what he wanted.

He knew the answer; he knew it simple because it was the one thing he also wanted to deny himself. "I want to…" could he do it though, even if she told him it was okay, could he really do it, he had hurt people by his actions either directly or indirectly.

However before he was able to finish speaking the front of the shelter caved in, both teenagers turned to the front in order to see what had caused the damage.

"No" "Asuka!" in the front of the shelter lay the head of Unit 02, it's four green eyes dimming out, pushing forward both made it to the hole in the wall in time to see the body of Unit 02 minus its head and arms fall to the ground as the angel made its way forward.

"Oh God, Oh God" Hikari was shaking at the sight of the Angel.

Shinji stood looking out at the advancing Angel, his body was trembling, he watched as Unit 00 charged the Angel caring an object. 'Why are they not using Unit 01?' he watched as Unit 00 tried forcing through the Angels AT field, as it broke through a massive explosion went off, Shinji had seen one like it before. "An N2 mine" the words died in the air as the explosion caused a shockwave.

He stood in silence as he watched the long paper thin arms slash through Unit 00. Watching both his comrades fall Shinji's mind gave him an ultimatum, 'sit and die or fight and live' he realised that it was a simple truth, he wanted to live, he wanted to have a life, and in order to do that he would have to fight. With that in his mind he made his decision.

"Hikari" he turned and looked at the girl at his side, "I want to live" it was odd he came to a realisation that he had eluded for years yet he didn't feel any different, it was like being told don't touch the hot stove, after you realise why you shouldn't touch it you just accept the fact not to do it again.

"So if I have to fight to live and protect others that's what I will do" he felt slightly more determined about his course of action. She was looking at him with wide eyes after witnessing the destruction the Angel had caused. "You should get to a safer location."

Before leaving he did the one thing he never thought that he would be able to do, he smiled at her, not a forced smile to make someone believe he was alright. He smiled a true smile, "Thank you for listening, and for being… you."

Before she could give a reply he had taken off, he felt slightly lighter as he ran, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't know if he would be able to ever truly remove the masks he wore, he didn't know if the world would see the real him, but that didn't matter anymore. One person did, one person say beneath the problems, and she had shown him kindness, even if he was running to his death he wouldn't be able to live unless the enemy was defeated. And if he was to die fighting it then he would at least take it with him.

Fin

00-00

Okay so I am not sure how this turned out, I have rewritten it a few times, and I am not truly happy with how it went.

Truthfully I think that's it I had originally planned to make three chapters for this story, and I don't think I can write anymore that can possibly add anything to it.

So to all those that read this I hope you enjoyed it. And have a safe trip home.