Day Four

Happy had ended up staying the night with Natsu, after he'd gotten him cleaned up and helped him find something else to change into. In the morning, they'd left for the funeral. It was a clear, cold day. The bite in the air reminded Natsu of Gray, even though the ice wizard still probably would have complained that it was too hot out.

The funeral was being held in the same graveyard where they'd buried Lisanna. That was almost ten years ago now, and Lisanna had turned out to not be dead after all, but the sight of chairs arranged around a freshly dug grave made Natsu's stomach lurch unpleasantly nonetheless. Lisanna had been gone a long time, but Gray would be gone forever.

A lot of the seats were already full. Natsu had no idea what time the funeral was supposed to start, but it seemed like Happy had gotten him here kind of on the late side. He was still too upset to feel much of anything else, but he did appreciate that. Natsu didn't think he could have sat here staring at Gray's grave for long without losing his mind completely.

As they got closer, Natsu saw that the grave already had a headstone in place. He bit his lip to keep from whimpering or crying or doing anything else that would make him turn tail and run, and looked down at the ground. He didn't want to know what it said. Maybe he never would have to, if he just got through the funeral and never came to the graveyard again. He had the vague feeling that he was supposed to visit, but he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like Gray was really here.

"Natsu?" He looked up to find Mira standing in front of him, her eyes rimmed with red. She extended a hand, and he let her grab his and squeeze. "I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry for your loss. I guess, if there's anything we can do to help let us know, okay hun?"

Natsu mumbled something that he hoped was polite. He thought Happy may have said something to her too, but he wasn't really completely sure.

Lucy was the next one to speak to him. She was asking him how he was, telling him how many times she'd tried to reach him over the past few days. Natsu nodded and apologized. None of this felt real.

That started the seemingly endless procession of Guild Members coming up to him to offer their condolences. Natsu knew intellectually that this wasn't the full guild, that there were many wizards who cared deeply about Gray who were off fighting Lamia Scale instead of here. But that's not what it felt like. It felt like the ranks of Fairy Tail had somehow doubled, tripled, and now there were so many wizards coming up to tell Natsu they were sorry that it made Natsu's head spin. Wendy and Carla, Freed, Jet, Droy, Levy, Macao and Wakaba, Warren, Lisanna, Loke….

The only person Natsu really paid attention to was Erza, and that was really just because of Jellal. Erza came up to give him a teary handshake and a rather painful hug, and Jellal was trailing behind her. Nothing out of the ordinary, except that Jellal looked…absolutely wrecked. He looked almost as bad as Natsu imagined that he himself did, like he hadn't slept or eaten since the battle. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and he was rather pale.

Natsu spent a split second wondering why, and then realized the answer was probably simple. It was because of Gray. Natsu knew Jellal had liked Gray, although he hadn't realized he'd cared quite this much.

After what seemed like an eternity, someone had asked everyone to sit down. Natsu had found a chair - it wasn't until after he'd sat down that he realized he'd left his left side empty, since that was where Gray would usually sit. Happy was seated on his other side.

The sky was perfectly blue, and birds were singing in the distance. The air was thick with the scent of fresh flowers.

Natsu was pretty sure he'd never felt worse.

Natsu hadn't thought to ask Happy who they'd gotten to do the eulogy instead of him, but he was both surprised and not surprised at all when Makarov made his way to the front of the assembled wizards.

"Thank you for coming here today to celebrate the life of Gray Fullbuster…."

Fullbuster? That wasn't right. They'd talked, and Gray had been happy to take Natsu's last name when they got married. But Natsu supposed…nobody knew that. And they hadn't really made it official or anything.

Natsu hadn't expected to be fighting back tears so quickly. But this all felt a little too vivid after the numbness of the past few days.

Makarov took a deep breath, and Natsu realized that the Master was also tearing up. That made him feel worse, instead of better, though. He was already struggling enough to handle his own emotions. He didn't want to think about how much this had also hurt everyone else who had loved Gray.

"Gray came to Fairy Tail when he was just eight years old," Makarov began. "That was sixteen years ago."

Natsu knew their Guild Master well enough to tell when he was seconds away from breaking down. Sure enough, that was about all Makarov got out before whatever the next sentence was dissolved into a sob.

Natsu ducked his head, looking down at the ground. He knew he should listen to the eulogy, partially because it was expected of him and partially because missing it felt like something that he might regret forever. He didn't know if anyone would still want to tell stories about Gray, himself included. It might hurt them all too much. This could be all he was going to get.

The sudden feeling of loss made Natsu sick to his stomach, again. He closed his eyes and breathed until he felt more in control.

"Gray was an exceptional wizard and a great man, exemplifying all the qualities that Fairy Tail strives for and more. There are a thousand stories I could tell about him, but there's one I always come back to, when he and Natsu were thirteen."

Natsu startled upright at the sound of his name, looking up at Makarov and then looking away again. He knew the story the Master was going to tell. Porlyusica had asked some of the Guild wizards to help her chop firewood, and only he and Gray had showed up. They'd made it into a contest, like they had with everything in those days. Natsu was stronger, and had chopped wood all the time for Igneel, and he'd been positive he was going to win. And he would have, except Gray had simply refused to stop. Natsu had eventually given up and fallen asleep, and he'd woken the next morning to Gray beaming with pride and Porlyusica's woodbin overflowing at least three times over.

He'd heard Makarov tell the story a thousand times, although it was usually to complain about how stubborn Gray was. It had taken Natsu years to realize that when the Master said something like that, it was meant to be a compliment.

"Gray was the most determined wizard I've ever known," Makarov continued, still audibly crying. "I never saw him back down from a challenge, and he was capable of truly astonishing things when his friends and family were on the line."

Natsu sniffed, trying to banish the unwelcome thought that if Gray had backed down from this specific challenge, he might still be here. Automatically, he reached to his left, hand outstretched for Gray's.

There was nothing there, of course. The seat was empty, Gray wasn't in it.

That was about when Natsu stopped really paying attention.

"...one of the bravest members of this guild…."

Happy rested a shaking paw on Natsu's thigh.

"...a valuable member of this family, and a great asset to the strongest team…."

Natsu clenched his fists so hard his nails bit into his palms. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't cry.

"...someone I'm proud to have known…."

Gray had been stubborn and rude and competitive and inconsiderate and withdrawn and angry and really, really dumb. But god, he'd been a great man too, hadn't he?
"...he's survived by his husband Natsu Dragneel…."

Natsu couldn't have explained why that was the thing that broke him, but it was. The way the word "husband" casually rolled off Makarov's tongue, the way his breathing hardly changed when he'd said it. Natsu didn't even know who had told Makarov that they'd been married. But it must have felt so natural to him, so obvious and automatic. Without even mentioning it to Natsu, he'd made it a part of his picture of Gray.

His husband. His husband for all of ten minutes - that hardly seemed fair. That hardly seemed like anything.

The wedding felt distant and almost surreal, but it had happened. Natsu and Gray had chosen each other to forge a bond that Natsu had always been taught was more permanent than death. But in the end, it hadn't done anything. Natsu was the husband of a dead man.

Natsu didn't want to make a scene in front of the rest of Fairy Tail, but he just didn't think he could be here anymore. He stood up abruptly, pushed his way past the chairs and people, and started running down the hill. Probably, some people tried to stop him. But Natsu didn't let himself be stopped. He just wanted to be gone.

Day Five

Natsu didn't do much after the funeral. He'd made it home in a blur of tears, and he'd ended up lying curled around their blue and white blanket. That had exposed the pile of Gray's stuff, but Natsu just kind of turned away from it.

He didn't really have a good sense of how long he'd been lying there. It was possible some of the Guild had tried to contact him after the funeral, but his lacrima was dead. If anyone stopped by, Natsu hadn't heard them. He wouldn't have let them in anyway.

But at some point, Natsu heard footsteps, and Erza appeared in his field of view. She sat down beside him on the bed, and Natsu felt her hand on his arm.

"Hello, Natsu," she said. She sounded tired. Natsu supposed that was fair. He felt tired too, even though he hadn't been doing much of anything but sleeping.

"How'd you get in?" he asked. He was pretty out of it, but he thought he would remember if he'd gotten up to let Erza in. And if he didn't, that seemed like it might be a bad sign.

"Your door is unlocked."

"Oh."

Natsu turned his head towards Erza, trying vaguely to decide if he could ask her what she was doing here. As soon as he actually looked at her, he frowned. Her left hand was bandaged, her left ring finger a swath of white.

"What happened there?" Natsu asked, surprised to hear something approaching an edge creeping into his voice. "To your finger?"

Erza sighed, looking at her hand. "That's part of why I wanted to talk to you. Last night, I tried to claim Oblatio, just like…just like Gray did. But it didn't work."

Natsu hadn't thought about the sword at all. He hadn't even known that Erza had it. He guessed that it made sense for one of them to try to take it, now that Gray was…dead, but he didn't want to think about it. Wielding it had killed Gray, and he never wanted to see it again. He didn't want the same thing to happen to Erza.

"What do you mean?" Natsu twisted around a little more, fully looking at Erza instead of staring past her. "It didn't work?"

"I cut off my finger with the blade, but it didn't disappear, and the sword itself didn't shift to indicate any kind of change in ownership," Erza explained. She sounded awfully matter-of-fact, but in a way, Natsu found that kind of comforting. "Wendy was able to reattach it, as well, which we can only take to mean that the process didn't work. The sword is still bonded to Gray, but it's just a sword now. It doesn't carry the lasting harm that it did while Gray held it. And we can't use it to kill Magnus."

"Oh," Natsu said. He tried to muster up some sort of emotion about this. They'd all thought that without the sword, killing Magnus was hopeless. If they couldn't use the sword, that meant Lyon was dead, Chelia was dead…. "That's…yeah. Too bad."

"Jellal thinks that means only one person can ever claim the sword, whether or not they're alive. Since Magnus had another version of the sword, this one was probably never even claimed by him. It might have been…a back up, or something."

"That…," Natsu worked very hard to remember what sort of emotion he was supposed to be feeling right now, "...doesn't sound good."

"It…really isn't, but there currently isn't much we can do about it, seeing as-"

"Oh," Natsu said, cutting Erza off. He was consumed with an unexpected burst of energy, and if he waited for Erza to stop talking, it probably would have been gone. He sat up a little. "I saw Jellal yesterday, and he looked real bad. Is he okay?"

"He's…to tell you the truth, I haven't really seen him much. Since the funeral, he's been locked in his study. I think he's researching if there's any way to break the attunement on the sword. But I don't know that he's been having much luck yet…."

"But he's alright?"

"Yeah. Just…sad, and working himself a little too hard."

Natsu nodded, satisfied by her answer. "Was that all you came to tell me?"

"I didn't really…come to tell you about the sword. I just wanted to check on you. After the funeral, I wasn't sure…."

"I'm okay," Natsu said hollowly.

"Have you been eating?"

Natsu hesitated. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, and he didn't really want to think about that right now. "Not…as much as usual."

"Getting enough sleep?"

"I think I'm getting mostly sleep."

Erza hesitated for a moment. "Would you like me to…stay with you for a little while? We could watch something together, or I could make you some food if you'd like…."

The idea of pretending to be something even vaguely resembling normal in front of Erza for any sort of extended period of time sounded completely overwhelming to Natsu. He didn't think he could do it.

"I don't think so," he whispered.

Erza nodded. She looked a little sad, but Natsu knew he just couldn't face interacting with anyone for pretty much any length of time. Right now, it was pretty much all he could do to keep breathing.

"Just…let me know if you need anything," Erza said. "Please." She rubbed his shoulder, looking like she was debating whether or not to pull him into one of her notoriously painful hugs.

"Okay." Natsu wasn't sure if he sounded convincing or not. It wasn't even that he didn't want Erza's help, it was more just that he couldn't imagine her being able to do anything that could take even a fraction of his pain away. "Sure."

Day Six

Eventually, Natsu did get hungry. He couldn't actually remember eating anything since before the battle, but he knew that couldn't possibly be true. If he hadn't eaten anything in literal days, he would have passed out a long time ago.

He had to eat. He knew that, but it still took a while to work up the energy to get out of bed and go all the way to the kitchen and find a meal. By the time he finally dragged himself upright, his stomach was growling.

Lucy had come by that morning with a casserole. Her right arm was in a cast now, and Natsu had asked if she was alright, and then mostly laid in bed silently until she'd left again. But she'd put the casserole in the fridge, and all Natsu had to do was heat it up.

It was the first time Natsu had used any magic since the battle. He lit up his hands, cringing at the memory of Gray constantly complaining that Natsu had warmed food up too much, and how he'd burned his tongue again. For a moment, Natsu considered just putting the casserole back into the fridge, or maybe the trash, and crawling back into bed and crying until he couldn't see straight.

But his stomach was growling again, and Natsu recognized the lightheadedness that came from hunger, rather than grief. Like it or not, he needed to eat.

He tried not to think about much of anything as he heated up the casserole, served himself a portion, and brought the plate to the couch. He and Gray had a kitchen table, but they never ate there. They'd usually liked to catch up on their latest lacrima shows during meals, and as Natsu sat down, he mechanically turned it on and brought up whatever they'd last been watching.

The comedy they'd been in the middle of watching wasn't really holding his attention, but that was okay. Natsu just needed some kind of background noise to escape his own head. He picked at the casserole for a while, finally managing a bite. It was sort of good, and sort of tasted like ash, but it would fill him up, at least. He ate a bit more.

Usually, when he and Gray would watch something together, they would talk through pretty much the whole thing. Sometimes about whatever they were watching, sometimes not. Sometimes, they would have to pause because neither of them could pay attention to what was happening on screen. Sometimes, they would have to pause to make out, or to punch each other. It was all a very interactive experience, that watching alone was no substitute for.

The room felt very quiet without Gray there making commentary. Natsu fought the urge to turn the lacrima up very loud, just to curb some of the quiet.

Natsu knew he needed food, but he was starting to really not enjoy the casserole. He forced himself to take another few bites, and then hastily set it aside. He knew he really did need to eat, but…maybe later. Maybe later.

All of a sudden tears were splashing onto Natsu's lap. He didn't know what exactly had set him off, and maybe that was what things were like for him now - he could be set off by absolutely anything and he wouldn't always know what. He wiped his eyes angrily with the back of his hand, and then realized that the casserole hadn't settled very well and he was feeling kind of sick.

Natsu was a Dragon Slayer, and so anytime he and Gray watched something with a boat or car or train, it wasn't unheard of for Natsu to need to turn it off because he was feeling nauseous. But those memories - which had all sort of blended into one image of Gray turning off the lacrima with an annoyed flick of his wrist and saying something like "Seriously, Natsu? That set you off?" - were making Natsu feel worse. He wanted Gray to be with him, right now. He wanted Gray back. There wasn't even anything specific that he missed, he just…needed him to be here, and he wasn't.

Between one uneven breath and the next, the vague queasiness morphed into an intense nausea. Natsu's mouth started watering, and he realized that if he didn't want to be cleaning off his floor, he really needed to get to the bathroom. He bolted to the bathroom and skidded to his knees in front of the toilet, just in time for the casserole to make a reappearance.

Natsu choked and coughed into the toilet as his eyes began to water. They usually did, if he got sick enough, but this was different. The prickling in the back of his eyes became impossible to banish, and he was crying again.

There wasn't very much in his stomach, so he wasn't throwing up for very long. Still, when he was done, he couldn't find the strength to get off the bathroom floor and go back to the empty couch. Natsu let himself slide into a heap on the floor, curling around himself and feeling the tears trickle down his cheeks.

Maybe this was his life now. Natsu knew these things were supposed to take time, and that grieving was a process, just like everyone had always told him. But he couldn't come up with anything else that had even come close to feeling like this that he'd survived - he just didn't have a reference for it. If having Gray back was out of the question, he would have given anything he could have for just…a few seconds of feeling normal.

Day Seven

Natsu had finally managed to keep something down. It had taken a couple more tries, but that was okay. Sometimes, if he was really, really nauseous, he wasn't thinking about Gray for a little bit.

After he ate, he had turned on the lacrima again. It took him a few hours to notice that he hadn't paid attention to any of the plot, and had no idea what was happening. After that, he crawled into bed and laid there for a while, trying to sleep.

Natsu was on the couch again, trying to watch the lacrima but mostly just staring at the wall, when his front door flew open hard enough to hit the wall on the other side.

"Natsu?!"

Natsu looked around as Jellal strode into the room, flanked by Erza and Wendy. Both women looked determined, and maybe just a little scared.

They must have come here to find Natsu, to tell him that Jellal had broken the enchantment on the sword, and they were going to fight Magnus. Probably, they were going to make him come and help.

Natsu felt the cold weight in the pit of his stomach grow a little larger at the thought. He knew that he should want to help, because it would mean that he could avenge Gray, but he honestly didn't know that he had it in him. For the first time in his life, he wasn't looking for a fight. He wasn't looking for anything.

"What is it?" Natsu asked, not even bothering to try to keep the dread from his voice.

Jellal stepped forward, and as he came closer, Natsu could see the exhaustion in his face. He looked even worse than he had at the funeral, with slightly hollow eyes and unkempt hair.

"I think I can resurrect Gray," Jellal said.

Resurrect Gray, resurrect Gray…. Natsu hadn't spoken to anyone since Lucy had dropped off the casserole, nearly 36 hours ago now. The words were taking a long time to assemble into meaning in his brain. After a week of near nothingness, he wasn't ready for things to start moving this fast. There were things he wasn't understanding, this…he couldn't be right about what Jellal meant….

"What do you-?"

"Are you listening to me?" Jellal said angrily, grabbing Natsu's arm.

"Jellal!" Erza said from behind him, sounding horrified. But Jellal didn't let go.

"I said I could bring Gray back. Or I think…no. Nevermind that, it's going to work. Come on, Natsu. There's no time to waste. Get moving."

Natsu still felt like he was trapped in a dream, and he honestly couldn't tell if it was a good one or not. "Where are we-?"

"The graveyard. Get up."

Natsu got up.