For: AeonsAlex

Rating: T

Characters: Kisame, Hidan, Shikamaru, Akamaru

Genre: Humour, CRACK

Pairings: KisaAkaHidaShika (WTF), HidaShika

Hidan, Shika and Akamaru finally confront Kisame with their feelings with some unexpected results.

Wtf did I just write.

Kisame, perched on a very uncomfortable rock, sighed in contentment while waiting for Itachi to return from whatever errand he vanished away to do. He never told him what though. He had a peculiar suspicion it had to do with the bargain dango sweet shop they passed by a few hours ago. The look in his partner's eye never was the same since. He didn't want to return to the room they bought to spend the night, nor did he feel up to wandering the nearby village's festival which only had two days left.

So, here he was. Just sat on a rock. In the middle of a forest. Chillin' like a shark while playing Naruto: Ninja Storm 2 on his DS. He was getting his ass kicked by Itachi, who wasn't even using genjutsu. What an embarrassment.

Then suddenly, heard a rustle.

Not making a sound, Kisame skilfully whipped out a kunai from his pouch and patiently waited for another sign of movement.

Silence.

He must have been having an off day considering he dropped his guard after only a couple of seconds. Some S-class ninja he was. A large, white dog emerged from a leafy bush that was directly opposite the shark ninja. But it didn't just emerge. Oh, no. It basically pounced on Kisame as if he was a massive slab of steak. Did dogs even like shark? Shaking his irrelevant thoughts, he was about to kick the dog in the balls before a very familiar voice interrupted his actions.

"No! You stupid fuckin' dog!"

The dog backed off considerably, but continued to growl in the direction of the voice.

"Fuckin' mongrel!"

Hidan also surfaced from the exact same bush the dog came out of.

"…Hidan?"

"Uhh, yeah," the zealot began. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"What wasn't?"

"It's the fuckin' DOGS FAULT!"

Said dog growled at the insult before barking happily in the direction of Kisame. As it plodded towards him, Hidan let out a wave of curses and threw a kunai straight for the dog's torso. But obviously Hidan underestimated the ninja dog as it dodged the pathetic attempt of a kill with elegance.

"He's mine you fuckin' slut dog!"

They both shared a glare of evil intent before Kisame interrupted the confusing scenario before him.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Hidan huffed, confliction reflecting through his eyes. Kisame could sense he was hiding something. The dog continued to growl at the silver-haired man before whimpering up to Kisame.

"…We all made a bet…"

The shark narrowed his eyes. What the hell was he on about? A bet with who? Surely not the dog…

"With the shitty mongrel and pineapple head…"

Kisame scrunched his brows together as he glanced between the dog and Hidan. Who the hell was pineapple head?

"Hidan, what the fuck are you on about?" All the vague explanations were sort of pissing the shark off. And no-one wanted to see a pissed off shark. Kisame could vouch for that.

"Right," Hidan mumbled before shoving his hands into his cloak pockets aggressively. "I ran into the shitty pineapple a while back with his dog… who's not actually his dog, they just lost his fuckin' owner. We tried to kill each other for a while because he's still pissed I made his sensei kick the bucket before we realised we were both on the same mission… kinda… I guess."

Kisame massaged his temples and sighed. "I'm still not following…"

"I ain't fuckin' finished! So… that crazy mongrel is in heat and has been looking for your scent like crazy. 'Coz the pineapple said the dog smelt you hours ago and now it wants to hump your leg off. The pineapple is also looking for you… and so was I…" Hidan trailed off and by the time he looked up to meet Kisame's eyes, his cheeks burned pink.

The shark-nin didn't really know how to respond. A very docile, snuggling dog rested at his feet and a very rambled and obviously embarrassed Hidan stood in front of him.

"This is so troublesome…"

All three of them whipped their heads towards the new voice that echoed through the forest.

"The fuckin' pineapple's arrived."

Shikamaru sighed before catching Kisame's stare. "What he meant to say was, Akamaru wants you because you have a fish-like aroma he likes at the moment. I wanted to speak with you because your shadow has qualities I want to ask about, and Hidan over there is in love with you."

Silence passed the four of them while Kisame blankly stared at Shikamaru.

"And yes, I do mean in a homosexual w-"

"FUCK OFF YOU DICK!" Hidan roared as he swiftly swiped at Shikamaru with his scythe.

That is, he would have had he not been bound to the ground with the pineapple head's shadow clone technique.

"I knew you'd try something. And frankly I don't want to waste time beating around the bush when you can just be honest." Shikamaru cast a smug look towards Hidan as he boiled with rage.

"Honest!?" Hidan shouted as he glared accusingly at the boy. "You don't want to talk about shit about shadows! You just want his shadow you freak pervert!"

"…Like you're one to talk… so troublesome." So what if he had a shadow fetish? Hidan liked to mutilate his victims while cutting himself open and got off on it. Why was he indicating that he was the weird one?

"Fuck you, you probably have some animal fetish too, huh!?"

Shikamaru cast the silver-haired man a deadpan look. "Now you're pulling facts from your ass."

Hidan scoffed before spitting furiously in Shikamaru's direction.

"That piece of spit is what you'll look like when I finally kick your ass!"

"Very matur-"

"Right guys," Kisame began. At first he was bewildered by what Shikamaru had said to him but now he was just watching the exchange of insults flying between the two with a bored expression. He was also fed up of letting the large dog hump his leg. He was considerate at first but enough was enough. The dog got a piece of action so all was not in vain. "I'll leave you two be so you can vent your sexual frustration out on each other," he began, enjoying the baffled reaction he got from the both of them. "Because I have places to be."

And with that the shark-nin disappeared into the forest, never to be seen again.

That was, until Hidan saw him at the next Akatsuki meeting where he tried to cut Kisame in half with his scythe.

I did that in like an hour so it's super rushed and probably full of mistakes and shit.
I haven't had time to update any of my fics so sorry. OOPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, anyway that was a fucking hard request, dear lord.
Next chapter, Kisame and Bee relationship problems. LOL.