Rating: M

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns all things Twilight - I just like to get weird with her characters.

A/N…Much love and thanks to my beta LovinRob for all of her encouragement and hard work on this story! Without her OCD and her cock/pussy thesaurus, this fic would be a hot mess of past and present tense and the word erection used repeatedly…

Many thanks to AmandaC3 for creating the marvelous banner for this story and the Togaward bonus banner. I wouldn't believe it was possible – but she made Rob hotter by wrapping him in pink bed sheets…

Special shout out to Twiggalina for being my 1000th review. Important authors note below - please make sure to read.
So where were we? Ah yes, Edward's room... Let the fun begin...

Chapter 15– Ridin' Dirty

Under normal circumstances, I would expect that the morning after to be different. Sun filtering in from the window, shy smiles, quiet laughter, longing glances. I don't know, maybe even birds chirping on the window sill or some shit like that. But no, the morning after is nothing like that.

I wake up to find a snoring Edward who has totally pinned me down. Well, maybe it's not so bad, but it's definitely not as sexy as it sounds. His arm lies across my chest holding one of my breasts captive in his massive hand. Granted, that would be pleasant if said massive hand was not gripping my boob like a stress ball. And to top it off his thigh is draped across my midsection pressing heavily on my bladder. Our previous conversation about his junior prom clued me in to the fact that he is not into water sports, so pissing on him at this stage in the game would be… bad. However, on a positive note, I feel the Kraken stiffening against my hip; perhaps he will unleash the beast again this morning.

On second thought, I can taste my breath and smell the booze sweating out of my skin –morning nookie is definitely out of the question. My head is pounding and I literally do not have the strength to lift it off the bed. Or that could be because Edwards face is planted in my hair, snoring loudly in my ear. His phone is ringing again, this caller is fucking relentless. With a deep groan of annoyance, Edward reaches for the phone. Reading the screen, he huffs and rolls his eyes as he plops back on the bed.

"Good afternoon, Mother." He answers sarcastically, his voice gravelly and rough. Ugh, makes me want to lick him.

No longer restrained, I make my escape to the bathroom to empty my bladder and hopefully run my finger over my teeth with a dab of toothpaste. Note to self, buy a toothbrush for purse. After answering Mother Nature's call, I grab the toothpaste and nearly scare the shit out of myself as I catch a look at not only my reflection, but Edward's as well.

"What's wrong?" He asks, all concerned, looking crazy sexy naked, with a literally freshly fucked coif.

"Oh my God, Edward do not look at me!" I screech, covering my mascara and lipstick smudged face.

"You're being ridiculous." He scoffs pulling up the toilet seat and lining his shaft up to relieve himself.

And apparently we've reached the critical point in our relationship where we piss in front of each other? It seems Edward is just as free to be you and me as Tanya. I swear that girl will pop a squat anywhere. I am trying to decide if we should have a discussion on bodily functions - farting in bed and Dutch ovens are a hard limit for me. I'll work up to that conversation, I suppose.

"Edward I look gross. I've got make-up all over my face and a stage 5 case of milady hair." I whine.

His eyes are closed as he continues to urinate; apparently he is quite cocksure in his aim. He peeks one eye open at me with a devilish smirk. "Do I want to know what milady hair is?"

Rolling my eyes I run my fingers through my questionable hairdo. "This happens sometimes when I don't dry my hair. The top gets all plastered down against my scalp and the bottom is all curly. It's like, the fourth Musketeer, d'Artagnan bowing dramatically and saying 'Hello milady', " I explain, bending over to illustrate the dramatic bow.

Edward snorts and mumbles something about me being certifiable as he walks passed me and turns on the shower. I finish finger brushing my teeth while Edward tests the water. Once the water is hot enough, he opens the curtain, turns to me and bows.

"After you, milady."

"Such a gentleman," I tease as I roll my eyes and hop in the shower.

The hot water feels amazing as I lather my hair up with Edward's shampoo. His scent is everywhere, and then suddenly his hands are everywhere as well as he steps in behind me. Slowly he rubs his body wash over my throat, shoulders and chest; I audibly hum as his hands sink lower and lower. He purposely avoids my center which is aching to be touched, making close, and teasing passes over my thighs. Kissing his way up my spine, I feel his lips at my ear.

"Lean forward and put your hands on the wall, Isabella." His voice is low and gritty yet confident and commanding at the same time.

His hands guide mine to the shower tiles just above my eye level. Once they are placed where he wants them, he traces his hand over my arms and down my back where he nudges me forward until my back is appropriately arched. I love that he doesn't even have to test it; he knows I am ready for him, always ready for him. Steadying me with one hand on my hip, I can feel his cock against me, poised to enter. With one thrust he is fully sheathed inside of me.

I close my eyes and take in all of the sensations around me. The steam heat and the water beading down my front. The sound of his uneven breathing as the pace of his thrusts quickens. The slapping of our skin and squelching noises coming from my pussy as it becomes impossibly wetter has me gasping for more. Everything is so new. I've never been taken this way before and every nerve in my body is on fire.

I chance a glance back at Edward. His eyes are locked on where we were joined; his lips are pulled tightly together, the chords in his neck and the veins in his forearms tighten as he delivers each powerful thrust. He is close. He needs this. I need this. I slide my hands down the tile, bending my body further down. His thrusts falter for a moment as I bend my knee and raise my foot to the rest on the ledge of the tub. My body begins to involuntarily shiver, the anticipation palpable.

"Please," I plead desperately.

He knows. He knows what I want. He knows what I need. But he has needs too. He needs me to say it. Out loud.

"Please what, Isabella?" He asks in a low voice, before leaning down to place a soft kiss beneath my ear.

"Please, Edward. Please!" I whine.

"Tell me. Please what?" He commands.

"Please," I beg once more before I summon up the courage to meet his eyes which have gone from playful to downright feral. "Fuck me."

And with those two words, Edward goes to work. With a renewed vigor and a complete lack of restraint he fills me over and over again. Deeper. Faster. Harder. He claims me.

His breathing is ragged, his pace is frantic, and his entire body tenses against my trembling legs and back-side. I feel his cock stiffen inside of me just as he releases a rough grunt which sets off my own release. My insides tighten around his shaft as it shoots; my walls milk every last drop. My face contorts as I silently scream, riding out my climax. My legs give out from underneath me, allowing me to blissfully collapse.

Once our breathing returns to normal and we have fully regained some semblance of control of our bodies, he gently assists me as I struggle to straighten. Turning me to face him, he kisses me slowly, sensually, grateful and reverent. So sweet – that is until he smacks my ass cheek.

"Hurry up, Swan. My mom is expecting us!"

~~IYR~~

Our hands are intertwined above the console of Carlisle's Mercedes as we speed over Lake Washington to his parent's home on Mercer Island. Taking in the scenery, I am a bundle of nerves, chewing my lip.

"You're quiet." He observes, though his eyes never leave the road.

"I'm nervous." I admit quietly.

Edward snickers and shakes his head. "You're being ridiculous, my parents love you. Oh, which reminds me, my mom said she sent you a friend request on Facebook. I need you to accept her request before we get there or I'll never hear the end of it."

"Already taken care of. Now I am going to need for you to call your parents and tell them to start hitting the booze again so I will seem as awesome as they remember."

He unleashes a dazzling smile and brings the back of my hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss there.

"You're wonderful," He murmurs. "And besides, my mom will still be buzzed when we get there." He adds with a reassuring smirk, "It's always cocktail hour at the Cullen house."

I arch my eyebrow, silently indicating that I am going to need him to elaborate.

He chuckles before continuing, "My parents are very social, particularly my mom. It's really her that keeps the vermouth industry in business. I hope you like martini's because that is their beverage of choice."

I want to add that based on her wine drinking last night that she is Napa Valley's best customer as well, but I give him a nod and smile instead.

To say the Cullen's house is impressive would be an understatement of massive proportions. It is elegant and stately, but not ostentatious like some of the other homes in the neighborhood. Edward opens the car door and extends his hand to help me out. I smooth down my dress making sure it covers the thigh high hosiery Tanya convinced me to wear. For easy access you know.

Pulling my body close to his, he whispers in my ear, "What are you wearing, dirty girl?"

I can't help the shit eating grin that crosses my face. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I purr as I walk up to the entryway.

Esme rips open the door before I am even able to ring the bell. She greets us enthusiastically and pulls me into a tight hug. For someone who appears delicate and slight, she has the strength of a sumo wrestler.

"Be-llllla," She squeals as she rocks me back and forth, "I'm so happy you guys made it!"

"Here, let me take your jacket." Carlisle says as he approaches Esme and me with caution, much like you would approach someone getting mauled by a bear.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen." I say as he removes my pea-coat from my arms.

"Please, call me Carlisle." He reminds me gently.

Before I can nod or acknowledge his request, Esme interrupts. "Edward, be a dear and get Bella and I some drinks. I am going to show her around." She instructs over her shoulder, hooking our elbows together and leading me into another room.

Guiding me through a set of French doors, we enter the great room. I can feel my eyes widen and my mouth pop open at the room before me. There is floor to ceiling windows looking out over Lake Washington. The floors are a deep shiny espresso providing a striking contrast to the cool shade of grey-beige on the walls. There is a small seating area in the middle of the room with a stylish couch that I am convinced that no one ever sits in, adorned with perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Tall wing-back chairs are scattered purposefully around the room, as I am certain that Esme is not only an interior designer but a Feng Shui expert at that. Resting near the corner of the room is a magnificent black baby grand piano. I do not have a musical bone in my body, but for some reason I am inexplicably drawn to it.

Esme immediately notices my fascination and asks, "Do you play?"

"No, but I wish I could," I answer, shaking my head regretfully. I reach out to press on a few keys and immediately stop myself. Instruments are such personal things; you never know how someone will react. "May I play it?"

"I wouldn't." Edward warns his expression a healthy mix of caution and… disgust?

I'm not quite sure what to attribute his sudden mood change to, so I quickly place my hands behind my back. Noticing this, Esme gives a dramatic eye roll and a pointed glance at Edward, like she is gearing up to give him a dressing-down of her own.

I quickly intervene before she leans into him. "Do you play, Edward?"

His jaw is still tight looking like he is trying not to vomit, he simply nods as he hands me my martini with bleu cheese olives.

"Edward is a wonderful piano player." A very proud Esme beams, adding, "Classically trained."

Oh, no wonder he is so amazing in the finger fucking department. Of course boy-wonder is a classically trained pianist, pre-med student, fuck-hot lover and boyfriend. As if I didn't feel inferior enough, now she throws this shit into the mix? I look to Edward nodding appreciatively; meanwhile I am fighting down the urge to brag that in 8th grade I was the runner up in the Washington State spelling bee.

"Edward, you should play for her!" His mom excitedly suggests, bouncing on the balls of her feet and clapping her hands.

Shaking his head in the negative, Edward looks as though he is choking back bile as he places his hand on his stomach and swallows thickly. Clearing his throat, he meets his mother's eyes and mouths the word "no" just as Carlisle calls for Esme to come assist him.

"Christ Edward, get over it all ready," Esme snaps, as she stomps out of the room giving Edward a dirty look.

Once Esme is out of ear-shot, I look to Edward like a crazy person and throw my arms out, whisper yelling, "What the fuck?"

He quietly steps towards me pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. "It's a long story, Bella. Please just drop it."

I run my teeth over my lip and arch an expectant brow at him to let him know that I have no intentions of dropping this and then cross my arms over my chest to let him know that I mean business.

"Fuck! Fine! Okay!" He whispers, begrudgingly. "Before my mom did the whole interior design thing, she was a stay at home mom who taught piano lessons back in Chicago. One day, my baseball practice got cancelled so I came home early and unexpectedly. I came in through the back door and I could hear someone playing, uh Piano Sonata No. 14, I think it was, either way Moonlight Sonata, really well."

"I think nothing of it and start making myself a sandwich, right." He continues quickly, "Then all of a sudden I hear my mom giving tempo commands that have no business being used in that piece. It's supposed to be played mainly in adagio."

I give him a blank look letting him know that I have no freaking clue what adagio means.

"Yeah, okay, tempo is the pace of the play," He begins to explain as if he is talking to a 2 year old.

"I know what tempo is Edward, I just don't know what that specific command means." I interrupt with a bit of bite.

"Okay, yeah, sorry. Adagio is a relatively slow tempo." He explains before he begins to hum and conduct with his finger.

"So anyway, she starts saying these different tempo commands randomly. Next she shouts out 'allegretto' which is a quicker tempo than adagio. Then even louder she yells 'allegro' which is an even quicker pace. And the pianist is following the commands, slipping up here and there, but still playing really well so now I am curious as to who is playing this, right?"

I take a large swig of my drink and nod my head growing more concerned as the tone of Edward's voice becomes more panicked.

"So I walk up to the great room and before I turn the corner, I hear my mom screaming, 'Presto, Presto' which is like super fast and just not right for this piece. So I turn the corner and there's my mom on top of the piano with her legs over my dad's shoulders while he played…the piano…and her. Ugh, he was just dogging her out and..."

I start sputtering and choking on my martini. The liquid burning as it comes out my nose. I somehow manage to cover my mouth before I shower Edward with more than just my pity.

"Oh, shit! Are you okay?" He asks as he pats my back and hands me a tissue off of an end table.

My eyes are watering and I am sure I have mascara running down my face. I am trying so hard to hold back my amusement. My body is literally vibrating with laughter. As soon as I register his shocked expression, he launches into a whiny tirade.

"This is my piano, Bella! They defiled my piano. Ugh, I can't get the image out of my head, and I can never play it again."

He collapses into a nearby wing chair and commences his nose pinching. Now his behavior all seems to make sense. Placing my drink on the table, I walk over to him and run my fingers through his hair as I have found that that seems to calm him.

"I'm sorry I laughed, Edward. But I wasn't prepared for the… visual you described." I soothe apologetically.

He leans his head into my stomach and wraps his arms around my middle. Apparently forgiven, I can't help but ask, "Seriously though, how are you not in therapy?"

Carlisle snickers from the doorway, "In my defense, I offered."

I smile, but Edward sneers.

Carlisle replies in kind with a cocky little smirk and a swagger in his step, turning as he exits the room, "Dinner is on the table, you two."

~~IYR~~

Despite the awkwardness of the piano situation, dinner is very pleasant. Esme and Carlisle tell me stories of Edward growing up. I feel a little guilty that I am secretly relieved to learn that Edward was a bit of a nerd early on in high school. Never missing an opportunity to humiliate, Esme rushes out of the room and prances back in with a huge photo album. Esme shows me her favorites, including Edward as a toddler naked with just a cape and a bucket on his head. Carlisle's favorite is a picture of Edward in grade school. His face is still chubby with baby fat and he is wearing these thick dark glasses. Carlisle refers to this as Edward's Piggy from Lord of the Flies phase.

The conversation then turns to me and my love of the written word. The Cullen family is apparently very big on reading. It is fundamental, you know.

"Edward, after dinner, you can show Bella the library and play for her." Esme suggests to Edward, however her tone indicates it is less of a suggestion and more of a command.

Seriously, who has a library? Next they are going to tell me is that instead of a swimming pool, they have a building like Scrooge McDuck that is technically a safe which occasionally doubles as a swimming pool when they want to swim in all of their money.

Carlisle is unfortunately is called into work unexpectedly before dessert. We help Esme clear the table and put away the food before she insists that Edward take me to the library to play for me. He gives her a salute and grabs my hand, leading me down the hallway.

Pointing to a door way on my left he informs, "This is my dad's office."

I sneak a peek into the cozy room. It's warm with rich mahogany furniture and a huge wall full of medical texts. A smaller wall shows off his notable credentials. However my favorite wall houses the intricately carved liquor cabinet. Dr. Feelgood, indeed.

Edward leads me further down the hallway a few feet before announcing like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast, "And this is the library…"

He opens the door to a large room with three large walls that are filled floor to ceiling with books. Two oversized leather club chairs are nestled with a large leather ottoman in the corner of the room. A large picture window provides yet another breathtaking view of Lake Washington. A chaise lounge rests beneath the window, perfectly positioned to take in the beautiful scenery and the sounds of the piano situated near the adjoining door to Carlisle's office. I wonder how many pianos are customary for a place this size. Pulling out the bench, Edward lowers himself and lifts the lid. Edward looks to me and smirks.

"Any requests, doll face?"

Settling into the chaise lounge, I smile and say, "Moonlight Sonata".

He gives me a bitch brow to which I giggle. "Fine," I say adding, "surprise me."

His fingers begin working over the keys quick and steady, confident and sure. His expression is that of pure concentration. He is truly magnificent. Esme ambles in, taking a seat next to me on the chaise lounge. Her smile is brilliant, a mixture of pride and admiration. Edward's fingers linger over the keys as the piece comes to a close. Esme and I burst into applause, as does my inner whore who I am certain is down for Esme and Carlisle's brand of kink.

Esme's cell phone begins sounding and she steps over to the chairs and ottoman to take the call.

I take the opportunity to walk over to Edward.

"That was seriously amazing." I compliment him as I run my finger down his arm flirtatiously.

He nods his thank you and pulls me down on the bench next to him.

"Your father left a chart here. I need to take it over to him at the hospital." Esme notifies us as she ends her call and tosses the cell phone on the ottoman before making her way to the good doctor's home office. Moments later she emerges. "Will you guys be here when I get back?"

I look to Edward since I am merely along for the ride.

"No, we are probably going to take off, Mom." He advises standing and pulling me to stand as well.

We thank her and say our goodbyes. Esme informs me that she will be calling me soon to set up coffee or a lunch since she will be working on campus, all the while hugging and squeezing the life out of me. Upon her exit, I make my way over to the bookshelves as Edward resumes playing softly. So many titles, it's such a great mixture of classics, biographies, and modern fiction. I also spy a shelf of smutty reads including a couple of titles by Nancy Friday as well as Madonna's Sex book.

"What'cha looking at, Swan?" Edward asks, as he walks over and settles on the chaise lounge.

Spotting a familiar title, I grab it and bring it over to Edward. "Oh, just looking at your parent's healthy supply of sexual how-to books." I tease as I wave She Comes First in his face.

"Oh, yes. I've been reading that." He informs me as he grabs the book and tosses it to the floor before reaching for my waist and pulling me down to straddle his stomach.

"Have you now?" I say as I run my fingers down his chest.

He gives me his dirty boy smirk as he runs his hands up under my skirt over my thigh highs. "Yes I have." He replies.

His hands trail further up my thighs, each settling on an ass-cheek. He gives my ass a squeeze and pulls me forward up his torso. Lifting my body, he scoots down the chaise so he can lie completely flat and I can no longer see him as he is under my skirt. He deftly slides my panties over to one side and spreads my lips apart.

"Let me hear you, Bella." He commands before swiping his tongue over my entrance.

Tightly closing my eyes, I gasp and moan loudly as he pulls me down further over his mouth. My hands roughly grip the edge of the chaise as I try to steady myself. Involuntarily it seems, my hips buck and roll, allowing for the most delicious sensations as his lips and tongue work over my clit.

I want to give this boy's tongue a fucking medal for excellence in the fine art of oral stimulation. There is no rhyme or reason to his sequence. He varies between nipping, sucking and swirling his tongue in circles on my clit. It's magical and maddening. Whimpering as he flicks and crying out as he bites down gently, my body's reactions are downright embarrassing as I essentially ride his face. So close, on the brink, every muscle in my body is rigid, tense and ready to explode.

I'm clearly having an out of body experience as I reach between my legs, grab two fistfuls of his hair and shove his face further into my pussy. My voice is shaky as I begin borderline chanting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" louder and louder in each succession.

More determined than ever, Edward ups the ante seizing my ass and pushing his face in further, impossibly deeper. I'm pretty sure there will be ten small bruises on my ass tomorrow morning, but I won't deny that I absolutely love it when Edward Cullen loses his shit. It's just what I need to push me over the edge.

Throwing my head back, I whimper slightly as my climax is upon me, more than likely ripping Edward's hair out in the process. Blood is pounding through my ears and behind my eyes drowning out all the sights and sounds of the room, allowing me to focus solely on my release.

"I forgot my cell phone." I hear Esme say faintly, as the clicks of her heels get louder, as she approaches the door.

I try to scurry off Edward's face and pull down my skirt, but he has a strong hold on my ass, like Jaws of Life strong.

"I swear, if my head wasn't screwed on…" She starts to say before walking in the door, thumbing through her purse. "Aaaggghhh, EDWARD!" She screams as she gets an eyeful of her son dining at the Y.

Edward practically launches me across the room. All I know is that I am humping his mug one minute, and nursing carpet burns the next. I give him the stink eye as he sits up and wipes his mouth trying to look innocent. Esme covers her eyes, turns and storms out of the room; the click of her retreating heels follows. Relaxing only for a moment, we hear the hallway door to Carlisle's office rip open.

"We're fucking even, Edward!" She shrieks as she slams the door.

That. Just. Happened.

A/N… Hope you enjoyed the smutty awkwardness... You know I like to make it weird...

Okay sooooooo... I am only going to update once a week on Thursdays from here on out. I am still in the process of writing and tweaking the last few chapters and I don't want to just rush through it to meet a deadline. I want you ladies to have quality smut with a little plot peppered in :)

That being said, I don't want your Sunday nights to be smut free - so here are some of my personal favorite fic recs featuring some top shelf smut and a great storyline to boot:

The Slowest Burn by Typokween - Hands down one of the HOTTEST Edwards in the fandom. Yep - I said it - out loud. I would do sick things with this Edward... if he weren't a fictional character and in high school...

Insatiable Desires by ItzMegan73 - Each night as I lay my head down, I silently pray for important things like world peace, the safety of my children, and that ItzMegan73 finishes this work in progress because it is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! I am sure you will add this to your evening prayer as well upon reading it.

A Man Invincible - A Take Me Home Novella by Lovin Rob - If a Dirty Daddy C strikes your fancy - then this fic is for you. This Carlisle makes me wanna say "Edward who?". Not too much hotter than a dirty talkin', Russian mob connected Daddy C, just sayin...

A special thank you and shout out to one of the fandom's finest - FictionFreak95. If you aren't reading every word that she has ever written - you need to hip-hop and hop to what's hip!

Thanks so much to all of you who have read, reviewed, fav'd, followed, and lurked this fic! Catch you all next Thursday for a fun night with the girls... Happy Holidays, dolls!