Rating: M
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns all things Twilight - I just like to get weird with her characters.
A/N…Much love and thanks to my beta LovinRob for all of her encouragement and hard work on this story! Without her OCD and her cock/pussy thesaurus, this fic would be a hot mess of past and present tense and the word erection used repeatedly…
Many thanks to AmandaC3 for creating the marvelous banner for this story and the Togaward bonus banner. I wouldn't believe it was possible – but she made Rob hotter by wrapping him in pink bed sheets…
Esme. Tanya. Booze. Banana Hammocks.
Let's do this!
Chapter 16 – Lucky
I am a bundle of nerves as I haul ass across the quad to get to my early dinner date with Esme. This will be the first time I've seen her since the incident. It will also be the first time I've seen her since Edward came home from class to find the chaise lounge we defiled in his room replacing the futon we sullied only a month earlier. I chuckle when I recall how Carlisle put a post-it-note on it saying how he knew of a good therapist for Edward and his mother. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket and I smile as I notice that it is an incoming text from Edward.
Seriously, I just spent 20 minutes convincing Emmett not to paint himself green for St. Paddy's Day. He will use any excuse to look like the Hulk.
Snickering, I text a reply. You better let him do it, Edward. You don't want to see him when he gets angry.
Edward recently came clean about his only vice - the fact that he is a comic book collector. Upon his confession, I made the mistake of calling him a fanboy, so he immediately went all Professor Cullen on me explaining the delicate intricacies of comic book collecting. He then took it to the next level, inviting me to join him at his favorite comic book store in Seattle. I still giggle when I think about it.
The store reeks of pimple cream and virginity. It is full of high school boys who probably LARP regularly or play World of Warcraft for days at a time and pee into soda bottles so they don't have to pause their games. I'm pretty sure I feel like a unicorn in here because I doubt they get many female visitors. But holy shit, this is probably one of my favorite dates ever because watching Edward get his nerd on totally turns me on.
My phone begins buzzing again as Edward's face fills my screen. He looks absolutely delicious in his fanboy gear with his glasses and t-shirt that reads I'm Batman.
"Well hello there, Mr. Cullen." I purr.
"Baby, you know what it does to me when you talk nerdy to me." He says quietly. He must still be at the library.
"Ooh baby, I know how you get so revved up, when I say, 'It's clobberin' time'." I say trying to sound all sultry like.
He snickers lightly before asking, "So, are you nervous?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I am nervous. I mean, she was so nice on the phone, I just worry that she is going to tell me that I am a huge slut and not good for you or something."
"Are you kidding me Bella?" He asks incredulously. "She adores you, asks about you non-stop. But don't be a pushover. Don't let her talk you into anything."
"I won't, now I have to go. I am at the restaurant." I say with a sigh. "Wish me luck."
"You'll be fine. Call me before you go out tonight."
"Will do. Buh-bye."
Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, I enter the restaurant and spot Esme sitting near a window sipping on a glass of wine. I wonder if she is nervous as well. Here goes nothing, I mutter to myself as I approach the table.
"Bella! Hi!" She squeals, as she jumps up and pulls me into a big hug.
"Hi Esme, how are you?" I ask, as I give her three soft pats on the back, AKA tapping out.
"I am wonderful, dear! You'll have to excuse me; I am drinking my supper today." She explains as she pours me a glass of wine.
Nodding a thank you, I smile since apparently she is fine not addressing the elephant in the room. "I like where your head is at – what's the occasion?" I ask taking a swig of my drink.
"Carlisle is out of town and my friends and I are going to see an all male revue tonight." She says before smirking, "It's for charity of course."
I cough and sputter and cannot believe my bad luck. Thankfully the wine doesn't come out of my nose. Once I am able to compose myself, I clarify, "Are you going to the all male revue at The Dancing Bare?"
"Yes, you heard of the event?" She asks with a wide-eyed smile. She must be on the committee that organizes it. Damn her charitable, kind heart!
"Yes. I will actually be there this evening. It's my friend Tanya's birthday tonight, so – yeah." I finish lamely.
Practically vibrating, she gives a big squeal while clapping and bouncing her knees under the table. "We must go together!" She insists, "I've got a driver tonight; we can take your friends! It will be so much fun!"
I give her a hesitant smile as I am not sure how comfortable I will be next to my boyfriend's mother, who, will more than likely jump on stage and ride one of the strippers around like Seabiscuit. Hell, she may even give Tanya a run for her crazy ass money.
"Come on, Bell-a!" She whines. "It will be so much fun! I just… I just know how much you mean to Edward and…" She gives me a pout. Ooh, well played Mrs. Cullen, well played.
I only have one hope of getting out of this. "It does sound like fun. Let me call my friend and see if driving arrangements have already been made." I say as I pull out my phone.
Esme makes a show of topping off our glasses, celebrating as if she's already won.
"Hello?" Tanya's voice filters through the phone.
"Heeeyyy, birthday girl" I say hoping that our Jedi mind shit can work over the phone.
"Listen, I am here with Edward's mom and she is actually going to the male revue this evening as well. She kindly offered to give us a ride, I just wasn't sure that you didn't have transportation arranged already." I explain, hoping she will hear my hidden plea.
Oh she heard it alright. "Oh yeah!" She teases, "We would love to go see strippers with Edward's moommmyyyy."
I can hear Rose in the background hooting and hollering. They're celebrating my mortification as Esme looks on expectantly.
"Sounds good, we'll pick you up at…" I trail off hoping Esme will fill in the blank.
No, not that easy with Esme, she holds out her hand for my phone. This just keeps getting better and better.
Pulling my phone to her ear, she smirks. "Hi, this is Esme Cullen." She greets Tanya confidently. "Listen, why don't you guys join us for dinner?"
Pausing to listen, she takes a sip of her wine. "That sounds won-derful, we are over at Carlo's. Just come over whenever you are ready."
Her smile widens victoriously, "Can't wait to meet you either, Tanya!"
~~IYR~~
Dinner is not nearly as bad as I think it will be. Esme is lovely and charming, completely down to earth, not to mention completely inebriated. Naturally my friends are immediately taken with my boyfriend's mom and her brand of crazy. Conversation flows effortlessly with Esme at the helm. We talk about everything from school to our relationships and that's when it gets weird.
"Tanya, what do you want to do once you are done wiff college?" Esme slurs slightly.
Tanya looks from left to right to make sure no one else is listening to our conversation and loudly whispers, "I want to create a line of sex toys".
"Okay…" I all but yell. "I think the car will be here soon, let's get the checks and get out of here."
Intrigued, Esme places her elbows on the table with the most serious expression on her face.
"OH MY GOD! I la-la-la-la LOVE sex toys." She sings, yes, sings. "I literally have an arse," hiccup, "arsenal."
Tanya's smile widens by a mile. "What's your pleasure, Mrs. C? Because I have some pretty good ideas. Bella here knows books, but I," She pauses, "well, I know cock."
Tanya's arms are across her chest, posing proudly like she just let it slip that she won The Nobel Peace Prize. I must intervene.
"That's enough, Tanya." I chastise quietly through my clenched teeth before reminding her, "I'm sure Edward's mother doesn't want to hear about your… talents."
Rose starts giggling and Tanya grins. But it's Esme who levels me with a glare and an evil smirk. "Bella. I walked in on you riding my son's face. Let's not pretend she's the only one here with… talents."
"WHAT?" My best friends yell in unison.
Esme then tells them the sordid story in explicit detail as my alleged friends cackle evilly. Fuck my life.
~~IYR~~
The ride over to the bar consists of more boozing and waxing intellectual on all things plastic and pleasuring. I have to admit, Tanya's has some really good ideas. She also has illustrations. A couple of months ago, I happened upon a notebook of cock drawings. All I could think of was Jonah Hill from the movie Superbad. Who knew it was a notebook full of dildo and vibrator prototypes.
My phone vibrates with an incoming text from Edward. Too busy getting a lap dance from Gunther to call your boyfriend?
Ugh, I fucking wish I was getting a lap dance. I smile as I text him back. Sorry babe, we are riding in a limo WITH YOUR MOM to see Gunther.
A split second later he responds. Oh nooooo.
Share the pain sweetie. Oh yes. And she and Tanya have BFF anklets since they both LUV sex toys.
Three minutes later he responds, he must have had to vomit. Oh God.
Laughing I text him back. Look on the bright side; I know what to get her for her birthday next month.
My phone vibrates with his response. U R evil. Come over after the show. I miss you
I can't help but smile. I'll B there. Miss you too
The bar is packed, fortunately or unfortunately, as Esme has a VIP table reserved near the stage. Shit is about to get real.
Esme is waving to random society types in the crowd, telling me their names as she points and tries to get their attention. I smile and nod at them as she points to me and mouths my name to them. Apparently she does talk about me non-stop. One particular pair of socialites need more acknowledgement than a wave and head nod as they make their way over to the table. The elder blond is small and lithe with brilliant blue eyes and ice blonde hair. The only thing that is slightly out of place on her is the ginormous set of cans she is sporting. Seriously, her husband must have picked the amount of CC's strapped to her chest. The only other thing I find unsettling is that the tall, blonde, statuesque doppelganger following behind her is none other than Heidi Hunter.
Esme stumbles slightly as she stands up to greet her friend, "Janie, there you are!"
The petite blonde hugs her tightly, "Hi Esme! Heidi and I were hoping to get a better seat but it looks like your table is full." She hints hopefully. Shut her down, Esme, shut her down!
Esme nods her head mechanically to Heidi with a tight smile on her face. "Yes, Bella and I decided to have a girl's night tonight. OH!" She pauses, "Forgive my manners, allow me introduce everyone."
"Rose, Tanya," She acknowledges each of them with a wave of her hand, "This is Jane and Heidi Hunter."
Rose and Tanya give them a smile and a small wave, as do Jane and Heidi. Apparently neither Rose nor Heidi choose to acknowledge the fact that they are in the same sorority. Sisterhood indeed.
"And this," Esme says hugging the tops of my forearms smiling genuinely, "is our Bella."
For a brief moment, Esme is looking at me the same way she looks at Edward when he is playing the piano. Proud, immensely proud. I am guessing that it is her silent way of telling me that she approves. It is also her silent way of telling Heidi that the party is over.
Looking away from Esme, I smile at Jane and Heidi. "It's so nice to meet you both."
Jane gives me a soft smile and extends her hand to shake mine. Heidi steps forward and does the same. Her smile is also gentle which is quite unexpected based on Lauren's behavior towards me on her behalf.
"It's great to finally meet you, Bella." She says, speaking softly. "Edward talks about you all the time."
I admit I am immediately suspicious about that statement, trying to decipher if she is just being kind or if she is hinting that she and Edward are in constant contact.
She steps closer to me, kind smile still in place. "So, have you been to one of these before?"
I smile and nod as everyone takes a seat. Apparently she wants to make small talk throughout the entire show as I am sandwiched between Heidi and Esme and a chorus line of banana hammocks. Tanya and Esme are insane smacking the dancers' ass cheeks and making it rain George Washington's. Rose and Jane bring their own brand of embarrassment shouting crazy things like "shake that ass" or "let me see that dick slang". Heidi and I sit back laughing at their lunacy. Is it wrong that I am disappointed that she isn't a total hag?
After two more rounds of shots and three texts from Edward telling me to come home, I finally call a cab and say my goodbyes since Esme and the girls are showing no signs of stopping their drinking, harassing strippers or otherwise. As a matter of fact, Tanya says her goodbyes and jumps on stage to hose down a sexy fireman.
Esme on the other hand spends a good five minutes holding me and telling me how much she adores me and how happy I make Edward. I can't help but notice Heidi in my periphery. Her expression is even, but off, maybe calculating or possibly she is constipated. I don't know, I am shit-faced and I can't wait to get home to Edward's room.
Once Esme releases me, I hug my goodbyes to the rest of the girls, even Heidi which is surprising since she is stone cold sober. Speaking quietly as she pulls me close, she tells me again that it is a pleasure to meet me finally.
I am feeling all warm and fuzzy until she finishes with, "Tell Edward I will see him soon."
What the fuck does that mean? I spend the majority of the cab ride mulling it over and trying not to pass out. By the time the cab pulls up to Edward's, I am no closer to a conclusion on her cryptic message to Edward. No matter, I am hammered and horny. I giggle as I send a text to Edward telling him to open the back door for me.
Leaning against the doorway, he gives me his signature crooked smirk as I drunkenly stagger towards him. Pulling me close, he mouths the word hi before placing his lips on mine for a steamy kiss. My body reacts in an instant, whore autopilot sequence commencing in 3, 2, 1.
Seeking the upper-hand I clutch his shirt in my fists and push him back until the back of his knees hit a kitchen chair. It's my turn to smirk now, Cullen. As he falls back into the chair, I pounce, straddling him and kissing him senseless. Our kisses are sloppy on my part and deep and urgent on his. His hands are gripping my thighs, trying to contain my movements against the bulge in his pants that is growing more prominent by the second. I feel wild and wanton as I grip the nape of his neck and fist a handful of his hair.
"Bella," He says between kisses, his voice rough with want, "Bella, hey. Let's take this to my room."
I release his hair as I run my tongue along his jaw, not quite ready to get off of him yet. I grab his bottom lip lightly with my teeth and gently shake my head before sucking it into my mouth and releasing it with a pop. His eyes are pleading with me to let him take me downstairs as I begin to roll and grind my hips over his erection. And suddenly in my drunken stupor, I get a brilliant idea.
"Ah, shit. Bella." He moans as I reach down to unbutton his jeans and rub his shaft through his underwear. "Bella, come on. Let's go, baby."
I stand up only to slowly drop to my knees as I drag my nails down his chest. My eyes are on his as I taunt him with lingering stokes under his boxer briefs.
"Seriously Bella," He pants, his voice shaky, "let's go to my room."
I give him a pout and look up at him through my lashes. I can't explain why the thought of blowing him in the kitchen seems so appealing to me. It could be my inner whore looking for a cheap thrill or maybe I should just blame it on the alcohol. I happen to know that the boys all went out for St. Patrick's Day. More than likely they are getting sloshed on green beer and listening to The Dropkick Murphy's. Where's your sense of adventure, Cullen.
I am not sure if it is the pout or the fact that I am still stroking him though his boxer briefs, but he concedes throwing his head back, shutting his eyes and muttering something about me being such a good girl. I giggle with glee as I pull back his underwear and watch as his cock springs into action.
"Unleash the Kraken!" My inner Liam Niesen shouts… aloud. Shit, I said that out loud.
Edward looks down at me with a proud, playful smirk. I suppose my pet name for his manhood pleases him. I mean, who wouldn't want their dick to be likened to a Norwegian sea monster. But his silent celebration is short lived because we hear a huge guffaw coming from the refrigerator. There stands Jake eating a sandwich in a pair of tube socks and tighty whities laughing his ass off.
"The Kraken," He snickers with his mouth full. Gross.
Hoisting myself off the floor, I huff in Jake's direction giving him the stink-eye for not making his presence known. Practically snarling, I decide that Mr. Black needs a good dressing down.
"What the fuck, Jacob! Why you gotta cockblock, huh?" I yell throwing my arms out at my sides like I'm about to step to him.
I must have appeared menacing because I notice that Jake's toothy smile is a little less cocky and a little more concerned. Yeah, that's right Jakey; put those chicklet size teeth away. Not only that, but Edward decides to intervene by picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder.
"Come on tough nuts, let's get you to bed." He says smacking and grabbing a handful of my ass.
Carrying me down the stairs I play his ass cheeks like a set of bongos as we hit each step. Opening the door, he tosses me onto the chaise lounge with a clear, concise directive.
"Strip."
Now that's what I'm talking about. I sit up to set a new Olympic record for clothes removal as I kick off my shoes and peel myself out of my skinny jeans. By the time I have my shirt over my head, Edward is waiting patiently, completely nude with the mother of all boners in my face. I swear his dick must have a tractor beam on it because I immediately pull him forward to wrap my lips around it. Seizing the back of my head, he resumes his earlier position of throwing his head back and shutting his eyes. The only difference is that I can hear every word he is saying.
"Fuck, yes!" He growls as I take him all the way to the back of my throat.
He pulls my head back slowly and I make sure to lightly run my teeth up the length of his shaft. Reaching his tip I swirl my tongue over it and release it with a pop. Teasing him now, I flatten my tongue and begin running it slowly up and down his shaft.
He looks down at me, smiling out the side of his mouth. "You teasing me, baby doll?" He questions me coyly.
I answer with a few quick flicks over his head all while I continue to jack him slowly. He laughs humorlessly shaking his head slightly.
"You shouldn't have done that." He warns yanking me off the chaise and taking my place.
He pulls me down to straddle him, positioning himself to enter. He eyes me one more time mischievously before he thrusts upward, pushing himself deep inside me. I swear I hear the tip of his cock give a little 'how do you do' to the top of my uterus and winks at my ovaries.
I let him set the pace since I am not necessarily coordinated or sober enough to control the movements of my body. Every now and again, I grind down a little harder or roll my hips, but it's hard to do with him gripping said hips and dictating my every move. I'm already so close, the only thing that may surely take me over the edge are the filthy things he's whispering in my ear.
"You like ridin' my cock, baby?" He asks as he watches me sliding up and down him.
I'm certain the question is rhetorical, but I can't help but nod. Leaning his head forward, he presses his face in my cleavage, taking the opportunity to nip and suck my breasts as they bounce in front of him.
"Fuck you're tight, baby." He grunts as I squeeze and constrict my inner walls around him. "Get on your knees, beautiful!"
I slide off his lap and climb onto the chaise on my hands and knees. Turning my head over my shoulder, I give him a dubious smirk and an ass wiggle. He responds in kind with an ass slap on one cheek and a nip to the tender flesh of the other. Running his tongue up my spine, he spreads my legs and pulls my hips up to his desired height. I feel his tip at my opening just as he places his lips near my ear.
"Hold on tight, baby," He warns as I pull myself up on the arm of the chaise.
I only have a split second to process his warning before he is inside of me again. Every thrust is powerful and swift as he takes instantaneous command of my body. Closing my eyes, I savor the intense pleasure as I near my release.
Pounding into me frantically, I can feel Edward approaching his climax as well. He grunts deeply as he wraps my hair in his hands, pulling my top half up and arching my back almost painfully. I sneak a quick peek behind me to see that his eyes are watching himself going in and out of my body. He licks his lips and tightens his jaw as he slams in one last time before I feel him go rigid, releasing inside of me. The way he throws his head back and moans a loud 'fuck' is all I need to be sent over the edge. Collapsing onto the chaise below, I try to catch my breath. Edward is adjusting himself to lie next to me, rubbing his hands over my back side and grabbing it occasionally. That gets me to thinking.
"Edward," I say trying to get his attention.
"Hmm," He replies absently, his eyes still following his hand on my ass.
"Do you, uh. Do you miss anal or something?" I ask, closing my eyes, half embarrassed and half praying he won't say yes.
When I finally open my eyes to face him I can tell that he is taken aback by my question. He looks quite puzzled with his brow furrowed and his jaw tight.
"Where did that come from? I mean, why would you ask me that?"
Noting that he doesn't answer my question, I instantly regret bringing it up all together.
"Well. I met Heidi tonight. She was there with her mom and she sat with us." I reply as if the connection is obvious, but apparently it isn't.
"And…" He prods.
"And I just remember you said that you walked in on her, you know, with, you know." Jeez Bella, so articulate.
He nods apparently understanding that you know means 'getting fucked in the ass by Royce'.
Unfortunately he is still looking at me like I have a third nipple. Starting from the beginning, I tell him about my first impressions of her. Like how she is just like Mary Poppins – practically perfect in every way. I even admit how I am completely shocked that she was super nice and chatting with me the entire time. Then I tell him about her questionable comments and deliver her 'see you soon' message to him. I am secretly relieved when he rolls his eyes.
"Other than the whole cryptic remark thing, is it wrong that I am a little disappointed that she isn't the 'see you next Tuesday' I thought she was?" I ask, while spelling out the word with my fingers that I dare never say. "She's beautiful and lovely and the fact that she does anal, it just, ugh, makes me crazy." I confess.
Edward is still quiet, looking at me like I have truly lost my mind which at that point, I do. Sitting up, I wrap my arms around my knees and square my shoulders.
"Like how do I compete with that? Huh? I mean, I'll bet my bottom dollar that she is always down for 'what, what,' in the butt all the time. Isn't she?" I ask expectantly.
But before he can answer the question, I feel it necessary to clarify my previous statement. "There are levels, Edward. Okay? There are levels of anal. Like normal girls who do anal are like 'oh, it's your birthday? Let's do anal.' Or 'oh, you got a promotion? Let's do anal.' "
Practically snarling now, I continue my rant, "But not girls like her, Edward! No sir. She is the rare anal unicorn. She's the kind of girl who on a random Tuesday night you can turn to and say, 'Hey baby, Law and Order: SVU is on commercial, grab your ankles'."
I hate that my blazing insecurity gets the best of me. I hate that he can see me so vulnerable. And I hate that I drank so much because if I would have had a few less shots, my boyfriend wouldn't be laughing his ass off at me right now.
"Bella, baby," He says as he pulls me into his arms, "You have no reason to worry about her."
He strokes my cheek reassuringly as angry drunken tears fall down my face. "You must think I'm crazy." I sputter as I suck the snot back up my nostrils.
Kissing my temple he whispers sweet things in my ear. "You are crazy, Bella. But I think that I love the fact that you are certifiably insane. You are hilarious although I think you should talk to someone about the amount of time you attribute to your anal theories. But aside from that, you are my best friend." He looks at me longingly before adding, "Which will always be better than butt sex."
He leads me to his bed, pulls the covers over me and snuggles up behind me. I sigh as I feel the warmth of his body next to mine. About three things, I am absolutely certain of. One, I will never, ever, ever drink again so long as I live. Two, that number one is a total lie. And three, I am head over heels in love with Edward Cullen. Now if only I could find the balls to tell him.
A/N… Aww... Lucky gal - nothing says lovin' like being told you are better than butt sex...
The comic book store bit was my nod and wink to one of my favorite fics - Bubble Gum & Spiderman by CullensTwiMistress. She is another one of the fandom's finest! If you haven't read it yet - hop on the good foot and do the bad thing - it's good stuff, dolls!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of the love this story is receiving! A kind curtsey to all who have read, reviewed, followed, faved and lurked this fic! Happy New Year all - be safe!