I stand outside a set of coin lockers at Ikebukuro station. Flushed and out of breath, I open my phone.
There are 18 new messages from Ryoki. The last several ones read: "meet at the ticket gates at the south exit", "oi what's taking you so long?!", then "No not THAT exit idiot! Wrong floor!", followed by "No - further down the south end, even your goddamn blind eyes can't miss the Pokemon centre on the way", and finally, "Goddamn Hatsumi! Just tell me where you are and I'll come to you!"
How can there be so many commuters in the middle of a work day? I move out of the way of three young female tourists trying to shove a large hiker's backpack into a locker.
"One - two - three - push!" They heave at the same time, but the bag won't budge. One of them stands up and looks around, finally pointing to bigger lockers down the far end. She happens to look around and catch my eye. Her curled ginger hair cut short at the shoulders, blue eyes and wide smile make her look like a kid going on an adventure. I look at the floor, my bag feeling heavy over my slumped shoulders, and start walking away. There's no way I'd be capable of travelling alone like that...
"Watch it!" Someone shouts right ahead.
My face collides with a wall of trench coat.
It's Ryoki. He huffs as though he's been pushing angrily through the crowds. I look up at his fur-collared trench coat and styled hair. Gosh, is that what they mean by "looking like a million dollars"?
"Goddamit!" he snaps. "Is it even possible to take a wrong turn every time?!" Maybe not, actually. Not with frown lines like that.
"Anyway," he continues, "let's get going! We'd be at the shopping centre by now if it weren't for your sense of direction!"
"Huh? You wanted to go shopping?" I ask. He doesn't look like he's looking forward to buying anything. "And how did you find-"
But Ryoki, looking down at me, snatches my hand.
"Get going already!"
His long legs set him off so fast compared to me that I'm pulled rather than guided after him. If I let go of his hand, I just know I'll get lost. I've taken so many wrong turns already. How did I manage without him before this?
We finally leave the crowd of commuters, like two fish breaking away from a school of sardines, and get onto the escalators. Floor after floor, each escalator spirals around a central installation of suspended mirrors, extending all the way to the glass ceiling. We don't exchange a word for seven floors. I think back to my friends and Akane having a peaceful afternoon in the cafe, eating dessert, career forms and pencils lying on the table.
"Why're you being so quiet?" says Ryoki suddenly. "I hope you're busy thinking of me and not some other guy." I look down.
"Actually Ryoki, I was thinking about something that's due tomorrow at school..."
"Oh?" He leans over the rubbery railing of the escalator to look at the heads of the people below. "I'll help you finish it. Your homework's a total cinch."
"No that's not it. It's the form where we choose our universities-"
"Oh, that!" interrupts Ryoki. We get off this escalator and go around in yet another circle to the next one. The air conditioned coolness here starts drying out my eyes.
"I mean er, I still can't decide which community college I should go to," I continue, embarrassed in front of this future Tokyo University student. "N-not being high-class university material and all..."
Ryoki continues leaning over the side of the escalator and talks without looking at me.
"Hmm, I'll be going to Tokyo University, so choose somewhere close," he says. "And not too many contact hours. Too many other guys." He rubs his chin and looks up at the plants hanging from the high glass ceiling, reflected what looks like hundreds of times in the central installation's mirrors. "But anyway I'll be either a doctor or a lawyer within the next few years, so after that it won't matter." He straightens up and takes my hand with a handsome smile like an advertisement on TV.
"Basically, for your goldfish brain, I'll provide for us, so just write whatever on that form of yours."
We've reached the top floor of the shopping centre. This floor is mainly high-end restaurants aimed at couples and businessmen, with a long gallery of boutique stores specialising in suits, evening dresses, hand bags and jewellery. A young woman's eyes catch mine in the window of a jewellery store. Seeing Ryoki trying to kiss my cheek, one side of her mouth curls up in what looks to me like a sarcastic smile. I draw back and look away.
"Earth to Hatsumi," Ryoki says. "So which one do you think? Diamond or what?"
"What?"
We've stopped in front of a jewellery store. Rings topped with gems glitter in their black velvet stands.
"I said, which one?"
"Which one for..."
"Our engagement ring, dimwit! Or did you forget you have a fiance?"
What? An engagement ring, already? I thought all his proposing and fiancé-ing was more...like a figure of speech. Gulp. This is getting too real.
"But a ring - it's a bit..pricey, for these early days, isn't it...?" I mumble. "I can't..."
"Early days? How is this early days!" Ryoki snaps, with his usual frown when I ask a stupid question.
"I- I mean uhm...I mean I don't feel r-ready for a...a r-ring..." What am I doing?
"Huh? Whaddya mean?" There's a bit of a lilt in his voice, like he thinks it's just that it's too complex for me to understand. "You don't mean that you told me you'd be my fiance, only to change your mind like that?"
He doesn't sound serious, but I hear that last question replay, again and again.
What am I hoping for? Do I want Ryoki to get down on one knee and propose his love to me? Do I want him to smile a gentle, adoring smile, not just the gentleman's smile he uses to charm the neighbourhood women into bringing him meals before his exams? I've got to be kidding, right? That's not Ryoki, right?
But when I think about it, I do want him to. Would I still want to marry him, if I knew he might never show me that soft side I always dreamed about?
"Hatsumi? Hello?"
A sinking feeling begins settling in my stomach just as his hand grips my shoulder.
"Oi, Hatsumi!" His eyes are closer to mine now and I see the sheen reflecting from his glasses. "You zonked out or something again? Why d' you look so glum? Don't you want to get married and finally leave all our folks for good?"
It won't change. Even after marriage, it'll still be like this between us. That, and maybe doing...doing it more often. But it'll still be the same charade: stupid old Hatsumi needing milord Ryoki to decide everything.
"N-no Ryoki...I...I d-don't think this will really work out, between us, I mean..."
"Huh?!" His mouth opens in a wide 'O'. "What a tasteless joke! You're not serious?"
I look away. He puts his arms around me, his fingers pulling at the back of my clothes. I think my silence is beginning to get its message across. He trembles and I shake too.
"It's just you saying something out of stupidity, right? Any girl would be glad to marry me!"
Surely he must feel my heart thudding like a drum against his hundred-dollar shirt.
"Then...m-maybe you should p-propose to them in-st-stead," I stutter.
An awful ringing sound fills my ears.
Ryoki takes a step back, his leather shoes thocking on the waxed floor. Thock, thock, thock. Even a dimwit like me can see that I've hurt his feelings right down to the quick.
"You-!" He shouts and calls me all kinds of things that my family would keep Hikaru away from and that would make gentle Shinogu rage. It's as though he's hurling pots and pans against a brick wall. I look up just as he takes off his glasses and massages his temples, eyes closed. His voice becomes quiet for once, rumbling like thunder.
"So that's how it is? I've told you, Hatsumi. Over and over already. It's either me or whichever other guy you've got in that thick skull of yours. Stop goddamn messing around. Which is it?"
I see an image of the time Ryoki saved me from Azusa and his gang all those months ago, and how relieved I was when he burst into the room. I remember Ryoki patting my head and telling me I was brave for trying to look indifferent in front of Azusa afterwards. For my sake Ryoki announced to his mother he wouldn't accept anyone but me for his girlfriend, not even the private school girl who came second in the state. I remember when he asked Shinogu to be his exam tutor, just to see me, he insisted as if it would be a huge favour to him to descend to our shoebox of a home.
The floor's tiled pattern swims before my eyes and starts to blur. Struggling against the urge to throw myself at Ryoki's feet and beg forgiveness, I mumble to the floor.
"I'm r-really s-sorry Ryoki... I d-don't think we'll work out... th-there's no other guy..."
He stares at me. All the other shoppers have long disappeared into the background for both of us.
"What? After all we went through? Goddammit! Are you goddamn serious? You know what? Fine! I hope you end up alone forever, just like you say you want! What? Don't cry, you moron! You're the one throwing yourself away! I don't ever want to see your ugly face again!"
For a moment, neither of us move. He starts to edge towards me, then freezes. I look up just in time to catch a glance of his pained face. Then he turns on his leather heel and storms away.
Meanwhile, I find myself alone in the shopping crowd.
Author's notes: Hello again! That's as far as I got for this fanfic :3 I think I started on the next part ages ago, but it must be stashed in my files somewhere...
By the way those three tourist girls trying to shove the backpack into the locker at the start of the chapter... it's my friends and I from when we went to Japan! To think such a drama was unfolding right next to us back then ;)