"Well, the abs are fab and it's gluteus to the maximus here at tonight's Far, Far Away Royal Ball Blowout! The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey!"
It was the night of the ball and the red carpet was rolled for Far Far Away's biggest stars with everyone cheering them on despite not being the main focus of the event.
"Everyone who's anyone has turned out to honor Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek and, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous!" Said the lady who looked like the late Joan Rivers as the stars started coming out.
These include the likes of such faces as Hansel and Gretel, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina, and that lazy Susan herself, Sleeping Beauty.
Though they didn't stand a chance as a pink limousine looking carriage came out next.
"Is that who I think it is? Yes, it's the one, the only…" However, as the carriage door opened, it wasn't the Fairy Godmother but instead, a weak looking lion in a crown and king attire.
"Raise your voice for Nottingham's greatest king, Prince John!!!!" Said the weak lion as he hears nothing but silence.
"OH COME OOOOONNNN!!! You gave those nobodies all your love and admiration. I captured the one and only Robin Hood today. I deserve that…" Complained Prince John before he was interrupted by his snake assistant who whispered something into his ear. "Wait, MONSIEUR HOOD!!! You got the wrong guy. Can't you morons tell the difference between a Fox and a human. I just can't…grrrrrr!!!!" Said the frustrated Prince as he walked inside the castle.
"Well, That Happened!" Said the announcer.
Thankfully, a carriage that looked like Prince John flew in. "Wait, is that…It is. Oh. It's the one, it's the only…it's the Fairy Godmother!" Exclaimed Joan Rivers as the beloved figure floated her way across the red carpet.
"Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a "whoop-whoop"?"said The Fairy.
WHOOP-WHOOP!
"Thank you, you're all too kind but I am here to make an announcement." Said The Fairy Godmother as everyone, even the orchestra, quieted down as she spoke. "On my way here, I found this poor and defenseless cat on the side of the road who dreamed of becoming a princess and with tear on my cheek and kindness in my heart, I took her in" This obvious lie from this vile woman was fooling this easy to trick crowd to the point that I am surprised she didn't go into politics.
"And I want to introduce her to all of you, Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dulcinea." At this command, Dulcinea came out of the carriage wearing a beautiful light blue dress with a Thornless blur rose in her left ear.
"Sure, she looks a little off but it's not what's on the outside but what's on the inside that counts," said the hypocritical Godmother as the nervous feline walks across the red carpet to her.
Everyone Cheered for her but she didn't feel happy about it. Without Puss, she felt alone and scared in this new world. She didn't deserve the applause because she was helping this mean lady with her evil plans. If she got all of the right way with Puss beside her wearing the fanciest suit in the kingdom, then she would be happy.
"Yes, smile for the peasants, darling. Good. May all your endings be happy and…well, you know the rest!" Said the Fairy Godmother as she and Dulcinea poofed away.
_
"We'll be right back with the Royal Far Far Away Ball after these messages." Said The Magic Mirror.
However, just like award shows or a stand up show on Netflix, nobody really cares about these ball shows.
Especially for the residents staying in a swamp, possibly belongings to Shrek, which includes a wooden boy named Pinocchio, a Gingerbread Man named Gingy, 3 blind mouse, 3 little pigs, and wolf in women's clothing watching it right now.
"I hate these ball shows! They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture." Said the bored cookie watching. "Ohh, or Spitting Fables" said a hard hat wearing pig named Heimlich. "Ja, that show with the puppets is so funny." Said the railroad pig named Dieter.
Though, their former enemy turned friend disagrees. "Pfftt, they're just going to make the same jokes about Jack Horner like last week" said the Big Bad Wolf. "Ja but they are true." Said the pig in the brown hat named Horst
Unfortunately for them, Pinocchio was too loyal to Shrek and Fiona to turn to something actually good. "I'm not flipping anywhere until I see Shrek and Fiona." Of course, Gingy was annoyed that his friend was being a selfish piece of wood. "Whizzes on you guys! Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing." Said Gingy.
Unfortunately, in those days, blind people acted more senile and more unaware of their surroundings then people non-blind people as the mice accidentally flew the chicken wings into the fishbowl that was filled with dead fish much to Gingy's disappointment.
"Tonight on "K.N.I.G.H.T.S."
"Ah! Now here's a good show!" Said Gingy.
_
EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
We see a POV Shot of a man and cat riding a horse being chased by several patrols of knights.
KNIGHT
We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup.
NARRATOR
It's time for the men in steel to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudes just won't fly!
The chase ends in the streets of Far Far Away. Two knights seize the man and three more point their crossbows at him.
MAN
Alright, alright! Let me go!
Three knights are restraining the rogue horse.
HORSE
Let me go!! Have you learned nothing about what ya did to George the Unicorn? YA METAL WEARING MURDERERS!!!!
KNIGHT
Come on!
MAN
I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
KNIGHT
We warned you!
A knight runs up to the man with a pepper shaker and sprays it into his eyes.
MAN
Ow! Ow!
NARRATOR
Will they get away with it? Or did someone let the cat out of the bag?
CAT
You capitalist pig dogs!
The cat in shoes pounces on a knight who grabs him. Two knights restrain him with an animal capture device and one lifts a dime bag off of him. He sniffs it and shows the camera.
KNIGHT
Catnip!
CAT
Uhhh, Don't tell Dulcinea.
The knights proceed to throw the man, his horse, and his cat into the back of a metal wagon.
MAN
Hold on! Alright! Find Princess Fiona!
HORSE
I'm a donkey!
The knights shut the doors of the van. The man yells through the bars of the door.
MAN
Tell her, Shrek--I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow!
The show freezes frames on the man's face as a knight sprays him with a pepper shaker again.
NARRATOR
K.N.I.G.H.T.S.!
_
"Quick! Rewind it!" Said Gingy as the magic mirror rewind of the police brutality that is somehow considered entertainment where they found out a shocking discovery.
"Shrek--I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow!"
They realized that the man getting arrested was actually Shrek as this revelation was so head turning that Pinocchio literally turned his head as they prepared to save their 2 friends… and a random cat that was with them.
_
Meanwhile, deep in the dungeons of The Far Far Away Palace, The Fairy Godmother brought Dulcinea to discuss something important, and by important I mean making her profitable.
"That went spectacular. Don't ya think, Dulcinea?" Said the pompous Fairy gloating about her fame. "Yeah, if you say so but umm, what are we doing down here?" Asked the curious kitty cat. "Well, since are Far Far Away's next big star, you need a story people will love you for." Those words made Dulcinea's heart soared, but not out of her body, as she is about to get her own Fairy tale.
"Ohhhh, that's perfect because I already have an idea for a Fairy tale which I based on my own life and…" Dulcinea was then interrupted by the Fairy Godmother who had other plans for her. "Oh please, I tried that with a group of underground explorers and that was a failure. So, I decided to hire some outside help."
"Outside help?" Asked a confused Dulcinea.
"Yes, some dream workers if I do say so myself. Let me introduce to you, Frank and Baum" said the Fairy Godmother as she introduced two flying monkeys wearing suits and ties.
"Why hello there, you must be Dulcinea. It is a pleasure to meet you. Isn't it a pleasure, Baum" said Frank as he turned to his partner. "Oh why, yes it is, Frank, yes it is." They both turned their head quickly to Dulcinea like an owl does despite being primates and not birds. "We come from The Land of Oz and we think you have a shot at success, my dear." Said Frank. "That's correct, Frank, We even have the perfect story for you" said Baum.
Frank then whistled for Thelonious as he set up a old timey projector that he, due to being born in the middle ages, doesn't know how it works. After many failed attempts to get it to work, The Fairy Godmother just snaps and zaps the projector to work as it shows different images related to what the two banana lovers are talking about. "Alright, so our story we ate pitching is a love story about hunan and something that isn't human." Explained Frank. "Kind of like Beauty and the Beast?" Asked Dulcinea who was confused by their description. "Not really madame because our story is called THE WHITE CAT!!!"
Dulcinea was still confused since they didn't answer her question. "Is that really a title?" The two monkeys shook their heads and continued. "Precisely Mrs. Dulcinea " Answered Baum. "Now, you play a white cat who is actually a human princess and at the end of the story, you become a princess again." Explained Frank which gave Dulcinea a frightening realization.
"So, I will become a human permanently" she asked as the two monkeys shaked their heads "Yes" while Thelonious accidentally dropped the projector breaking it. "BUT I DON'T WANT TO BECOME A HUMAN!!!!" She exclaimed in terror at this entire concept.
"Calm down, Dulcinea, all Fairy tales involve someone becoming human again. You read them all, right?" Said The Fairy Godmother trying to calm Dulcinea down.
"I have but I don't want that kind of story. I want my Fairy tale to be based on my own life with Puss being my true love of the tale and…" Dulcinea was interrupted by one of the many famous outbursts that the Fairy Godmother has when things don't become her way.
"Ohhh, Puss in Boots this, Puss in Boots that. Ohhh, BooHoo!!!!" The Wicked Fairy then flew close to Dulcinea's face that she might get blacklisted for harassment as she proclaims "IF I HEAR A MENTION OF THAT SLIMY CRIMINAL LOVER BOY ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO SELL HIM TO THE NEAREST MUSIC LOVING, CAT HATING, LIGHTHOUSE OWNING NUTJOB THAT LIVE NEAR THIS KINGDOM! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!"
At that moment, Dulcinea was frozen in fright by this cruel old lady. If Dulcinea said no to her demands, The Fairy Godmother would do what she said or even worse. "Yes Godmother, I understand," said Dulcinea in defeat.
"Good, now everyone at the ball is wondering where I am, so ta-ta" The Fairy Godmother poofed away while Frank and Baum exit the dungeon. As for Dulcinea, she was distraught and no longer the positive cat she was before as she sat on a nearby bench and cried her little former kind hearted out.
That was until a familiar executioner sat next to her.
"What's wrong, little kitty?" asked Thelonious, who was the only one who didn't leave. "Oh nothing, it's just that my hopes and dreams were crushed by that mean Fairy Godmother" Dulcinea cried as Thelonious gave her a tissue that wasn't covered in soot or blood surprisingly.
"Yeah, she liked that most of the time. After Farquad was eaten and Duloc was abandoned, I asked her if she can get me a job as The king and queen of Far Far Away's Royal executioner but it never happened yet… and might never will." Explained Thelonious as Dulcinea felt sorry for the scary looking man who likey executed some innocent people in the past.
"But how do you deal with her, well, that wants to sound rude but I will just say it anyway, abuse" asked Dulcinea, to which Thelonious already had an answer for. "Well, I think of a happy memory from my past to help get through it." He answered.
"Really, me too" Dulcinea answered which Thelonious was ecstatic for. "That's great. What is it then?" He asked.
"Well, there's the time I hugged a tree or the time I read stories to the orphans or that time I…" However, before she could finish, Thelonious put her hands on her head and spoke up. "Okay, when I mean happy memory, I mean your MAIN happy memory"
Dulcinea then moved his hand off of her face. "What do you mean? She asked. "I mean a memory that is your favorite from all the others like for example, my favorite memory is my mom baking me some fresh blueberry pie in the morning. That's my favorite memory" Thelonious answered.
Thankfully, Dulcinea already knew what her favorite memory is and decided to tell her new friend. "Well, do you know a cat by the name of Puss in Boots?" Thelonious thinks for a minute and 2 seconds before he figures it out. "Yeah, I think so" Answered Thelonious. "Well, my main happiest memories are spending time with Puss. Even though he doesn't care for me as i thought, I still care for him and one day, I wish that he gets on his knee and ask me to be his wife and I would say yes, I will"
Her answer was so moving that The executioner shed a tear though it was hard to see thanks to his mask. "That's so beautiful, as long as you have that memory, there is nothing to be sad about." Thelonious' kind words touched Dulcinea as he hugged like a son or daughter hugging a mother or father. "Thank you Thelonious, I need it. If you excuse me, I have a ball to attend" she said as she exited the dungeon.
"What a Sweet cat, I wonder what happened to that cat of hers?" Asked Thelonious
_
Unknown to Thelonious, Puss and his friends were on their way to save Dulcinea as thanks to the Fairy Tale creature, they escaped the prison they are held in but don't know how to save both Fiona and Dulcinea.
Thankfully, back then, people would get ideas by setting small objects on a window next to things that are usually big but are much smaller from a distance. Gingy did just that as he gave Shrek the idea to create a giant kaiju sized monster to crash the ball and save their one true loves.
And Gingy knew the one guy they could trust to create a kaiju sized monster for them.
"Gingy!" Said A French man in a Chef outfit and hat.
"Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We've got a big order to fill!" Exclaimed the excited cookie.
Before Farquad's crusade to rid the world of Fairy Tale Creatures, Both Gingy and the Muffin Man were known as the best baker in Drury Lane and for the look of things, they haven't lost their touch as the mix the cookie batter, poured in a giant man shapes cookie cutter, and put it in the oven to cook.
Puss, on the other hand, was waiting impatiently for it to finish which Shrek took notice of. "Puss, are you okay?" Asked Shrek.
"No boss, my selfishness pushed Dulcinea away and I regretted it. I just wanted to continue my adventure so much that I didn't bring her needs into account." Explained Puss that Shrek couldn't help but feel sorry for his new friend. "But I will make it up to her, I will rescue her and apologize for my selfishness even if I had to sacrifice one of my 9 lives to save her. I would do anything for my beloved." Said Puss without a hint of irony in his voice. "You know, both you and Dulcinea are not so different from me and Fiona" Shrek suggested, which confused Puss. "Huh, what do you mean?" Puss asked but Shrek didn't answer, he just said "You'll find our eventually"
As for Gingy and The Muffin Man, they were going to check to see if the cookie was done or not since timers back then were more primitive then they are now. "Chef Igor!" Yelled The Muffin Man as a hunched man with the face of Marty Feldman came in. "Yes, Master," answered Chef Igor. "Is the temperature of the oven turned down so we can check on our creation?" He asked, which wasn't a good idea due Chef Igor's eyes. "Well, the fire doesn't look bad in my opinion at least" He answered as the Muffin Man opened the oven as a huge fire came out of the oven before the frightened cook quickly closed it.
"Damn your eyes!" Yelled Gingy
"Too late," Chef Igor retorted.
Thankfully, the cookie was ready as The Muffin Man took it out of the oven and was about to pour some Fairy dandruff on it. "Hold it, Muffin Man, if we're going to create a monster we have to do it right," said Gingy, which confused the chef. "What do you mean? This is the same way I brought you to life" said The Muffin Man though Gingy had a different idea
"Well, remember that theory about bringing baked goods to life," said Gingy.
"You mean the LivingBread Theory?" Asked The Muffin Man.
"That's the one!" Exclaimed Gingy.
"I must warn you, Gingy, no one has ever combined the artistry of baking with the mysteries of science. YOU ARE MESSING WITH FORCES YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!" Yelled The Muffin Man as he hoped his warning would scare Gingy from this horrific idea.
"Ehhh, call up everyone and start opening the lab"
It did not work.
_
Once inside the Muffin Man's secret lab, Puss and the rest were terrified by all the scientific looking inventions with bodies of mangled Gingerbread Man all over the place.
"What is this place?" Asked Shrek. "I don't know but this place gives me some People Under The Stairs vibes" Answered Donkey as a conveyor belt started to lift up Gingy, the Muffin Man, and their creation into the lab.
"What is going on here?" Asked Puss which only the Big Bad Wolf could explain. "They have hurled the gauntlet of science into the judgemental face of bakery itself" He explained as Gingy started singing with a voice so magnificent, it should be from an opera singer.
GINGY:
Ever since the beginning of time
When food was first invented
Baker asked a simple question
How to make baked goods sentient?
Without a simple answer
Those men completely gave up
But now we call on science
To answer that small request
We shout in brave defiance
This meal will be ALIVE!!!!
Puss and the rest just watched as they waited for Gingy to continue.
GINGY:
Life, life, let my cookie live
Life, life, it's life that you must give
Fate, fate, through this storm and strife
Fate, fate, give my cookie life
Tear Far Far Away asunder
Cast your light upon the dark
The lightning bolts and thunder will ignite this meal to life
Just then, a group of hooded chefs carrying candles come in to be the song's chorus.
GINGY:
Life, life, ere the break of dawn
Life, life, let my dream be born
Fate, fate, through this storm and strife
Fate, fate, give my cookie life
Give my cookie life
Suddenly, a huge bolt of lightning is heard outside which means it's time to begin. "This is it!" Exclaimed Gingy. "Chef Igor, throw the first switch," Demanded the Muffin Man. "Yes Masters" Said Chef Igor as pulled the 1st switch as the lightning was sucked into the guide wires.
GINGY:
Life, life, give my cookie life
Give my cookie life
"Now, throw the second switch" Demanded The Muffin Man. "Yes Masters" Said Chef Igor as the electricity went into the machines.
Everyone:
Give this cookie life
GINGY:
Tear Far Far Away asunder
Cast your light upon the dark
The lightning bolts and thunder will ignite this meal to live
"Now, Chef Igor, throw the third switch" Demanded Gingy. "Not…the third switch" said a worried Igor but Gingy didn't care because he was now full on mad scientist crazy. "Yes the third switch, throw it damn you throw it" Demanded Gingy one last time to Chef Igor. "Yes masters" said Chef Igor as he threw the third switch as the lightning started to finally move onto the creature.
"Shrek, now!" Demanded Gingy as Shrek pulled the conveyor belt as the table the monster was on started to move up into the sky with Gingy on it as he belted the final words of the song out.
GINGY:
Give me life!
Ere the break of dawn
Let my dream be born, be born!
Through this storm and strife
Through the wind swept air
Listen to my prayer
Heat him well
Set the temperature high
Let me hear his thunderous laugh
give my cookie life!
"HA! HA! HA!" Laughed MONGO
_
Author's Note
Welcome back, everyone, we are finally close to the end of this adventure and you can tell it's the end because I set some hints for later when we get to this story's version of the later film.
Originally, Puss, Shrek, and Donkey weren't going to be in this chapter, minus their K.N.I.G.H.T.S cameo, but I decided to show Puss wanting to fix his mistake then the reader just guessing as well as expanding the Frankenstein reference from the film into a big musical number. Just some subtle foreshadowing for the next chapter if you are familiar with film.
Leave a review on this and later chapters in the comments to give your thoughts and tell me what to improve later on and before I go, I will leave you with this question:
What is your favorite Puss and Dulcinea moment, either romantic or not?
Fun Facts:
*Monsieur Hood from the first Shrek is mentioned who, in this fanfiction, is one of many Robin Hood impersonators who took the mantle to get into the fair maiden's pants.
*Spitting Fables is The Shrek version of The British Puppet Sketch Show, Spitting Image,
with Jack Horner being The Margate Thatcher of that show.
*George the Unicorn is a reference to George Floyd who was beaten to death by police officers in 2020 which led to a huge protest that should have change the world but got rid of some advertising mascot that started out as racist caricatures and stop white people from voicing black actors in Animated shows.
*The failed Fairy tale about Underground explorers is a reference to the Disney Animated Bomb, Strange World, and "The Dream Workers" line is a reference on how, during 2023, people were praising Dreamworks Animation while bashing Disney. In other words, The Animation Community became Jeffery Katzenburg.
*The two flying monkeys are named after the author of The Land of Oz book series L. Frank Baum.
*Frank and Baum's personality was inspired by Looney Tunes' Goofy Gophers.
*The story the two monkeys are pitching is a real Fairy Tale called The White Cat who
Dulcinea may or may not be based on though there is no confirmation from the creator confirming it yet though if it true then her and Puss' relationship could be a reference to The Sleeping Beauty ballet which The White Cat and Puss in Boots appeared in doing a ballet duet together.
*The threat that the Fairy Godmother gives to Dulcinea contains a reference to the 2009 Australian animated short film, The Cat Piano.
Farquad and Duloc are mentioned by Thelonious as he explained how he started working for The Fairy Godmother.
The memory of Dulcinea hugging a tree is a reference to the AOPIB episode, Sphinx, where she did the same thing.
*Thelonious putting his hand on Dulcinea's face is a reference to Shrek putting his hand on Donkey's face so he can shut up in the 1st Shrek.
*The character of Chef Igor was inspired by the character of, well, Igor from the Mel Brook's comedy, Young Frankenstein. There is even a reference to a scene from that film.
*Gingy and The Muffin Man's conversation is a reference to The Bride of Gingy from The Halloween Special, Scared Shrekless, though here they are talking about powering Mungo with electricity then putting more sugar into Gingy's new girlfriend.
*Donkey mentions The Wes Craven film, The People Under The Stairs, when describing the place.
*The song, Life, Life, that Gingy sings comes from The Young Frankenstein Musical