Chapter Eight
Fire and Ice
Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, so part of the plan
When something is broken and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it any way you can
I dive in at the deep end
You've become my best friend
I want to love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it any way I can
You and me are floating on a tidal wave together
You and me are drifting into outer space…
-Coldplay, X&Y
Normally, Heero was not a fan of public transportation. But after receiving Relena's call, he didn't want to waste another minute and hailed a cab. He'd be next to her again in no time. But then what? He could barely string a thought together in his wretched state. Part of him wanted to lash out at her. The other part, the far more dominant one, wanted to forget the whole thing and just grab her and kiss her. Which side would win out this time, he had no idea; but he was eager to get back to her and figure it out later.
After what felt like an eternity in the cab, though in truth it couldn't have been longer than fifteen minutes, Heero burst through the doors of the hotel. So alarmed were the patrons and employees by his disheveled appearance and frantic pace, Heero had to flash his Preventers badge just to access the elevator. A few more agonizing moments later, Heero launched himself down the hallway and into the suite where Relena, he hoped, would be waiting.
He stopped, breathless, in the doorway. Relena was sitting on the couch looking immaculate as ever—business suit perfectly pressed, hair perfectly styled, a pile of paperwork in her lap and a steaming cup of tea in hand. She set the beverage down calmly before turning her attention to Heero. If she was alarmed by his tattered appearance, she kept her reaction in check; the only hint she gave to her surprise was the arch of a single brow.
"Heero," she said coolly. She picked up her tea cup once again and took a dainty sip.
Heero immediately got was she was doing; this was Relena's way of showing she was pissed. And as relieved as he was to see that she was safe and sound, he wasn't about to let her act as though nothing had happened. As if she hadn't tormented him all night, on purpose. Heero slammed – and locked – the heavy door behind him, then strode intently toward Relena.
She continued acting nonchalant, even as his steps carried him closer.
"You should probably change before we head to our first meeting," she prattled. "There's one right at nine, remember? And a breakfast with all the diplomats before that. So you should really—"
Heero didn't let her finish. He snatched her tea cup away and set it down on the coffee table – as much as he wanted to smash it – forcing her to face him.
"Cut it out, Relena," he barked. "I'm through playing games with you."
Relena's steady, ice-blue stare told him that so was she.
"Really, Heero," she laughed darkly. "That's funny. I'm almost certain you're the one who started it."
The steady flame of his anger was quickly growing in size.
"So you felt justified to send me on a wild goose chase all night?"
Relena reached around Heero and retrieved her tea. She retreated back against the sofa as she took a slow sip.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said calmly. "What prompted you to go running around looking for me? I was here all night."
Heero growled and lunged forward. He'd never physically hurt Relena, even if he had pointed a gun on her before, but he was seething, and she was deliberately trying his patience. Relena gasped as he advanced on her, placing both of his hands on either side of her against the sofa, pinning her in place. His quick, violent motion caused her hot tea to splash, some of it directly into his lap, but Heero ignored it. He wasn't about to let Relena get away from him—not this time.
His breathing grew heavier as he stared down at her. Relena's gaze had turned from icy to panicked, her blue eyes scanning his worriedly.
"Heero," she said breathlessly. Her expression suggested she thought him a mad man. "What has gotten into you?"
"You," he said curtly. "Now where were you last night? Don't lie to me."
"I was here," she said again.
"Wrong answer." Heero grasped her shoulders and pushed her up against the couch. She didn't wince or cry out at his sudden force, just continued to stare up at him unblinkingly. And that reminded him of all the times Relena had stared down the barrel of his gun, fearless. And that, to Heero, was a turn-on. And damn was it distracting, especially now.
He shook his head to steady his thoughts. "I checked on you in the middle of the night," he continued. And by that he meant he'd busted open her door in a drunken stupor, but she didn't need to know that, although the splintered wood (along with the bathroom's broken mirror) had definitely given him away. "You weren't there, the window was open, your stuff was everywhere…" Heero tightened his hold on her. "Where did you go?"
Finally, Relena blinked.
"Let me clarify, Heero, that I never left the hotel."
Ah, so there was the difference, at least in Relena's mind, Heero thought. She was "here" all night, in the larger sense. Why didn't he think to check the hotel bar? That should have been the first place he looked.
But, then, Relena had opened her window, leading him to believe that had been her exit route. And she couldn't have left the suite any other way, not without passing him in the common area, where he was slouched on this very sofa keeping company with the contents of the liquor cabinet. Heero's mind whirled. Had she managed to slip out undetected? Had he been that drunk?
Relena must have sensed his confusion. Taking a deep sigh, she continued to explain.
"I was frustrated, Heero, and needed to blow off some steam."
So he'd been right about the bar—he thought.
"So I went to the fitness center."
"What?" Of all the scenarios Heero had entertained, that thought had never crossed his mind. She was angry with him… so she went to the gym? But, then, knowing Relena, it actually made sense. She was too much of an insomniac on a normal night, without the added stress of their encounter, to try to sleep; and it was more like her to go for a run on the treadmill than go bar-hopping in the middle of the night. Heero should have known that. But, still, how had she gotten past him?
He voiced the question to her, and she laughed softly.
"Our rooms have their own doors to the hallway, Heero."
Now it was Heero's turn to blink in surprise.
"Are you serious?" He couldn't believe that he'd failed to notice that. But then he'd only stepped into his room for a second, and had been too frantic when he'd gone into Relena's. Still, Heero had always prided himself on being thorough. How could he have let this escape his notice?
"Next time," he spoke slowly, "I won't let you pick rooms like that. It isn't safe. From a security standpoint," he added sheepishly.
Relena laughed again.
"You're just angry I didn't consult you before leaving," she said astutely. "But after the way you behaved toward me, I don't believe I owe you any explanation." She pursed her lips shut and continued to stare up at him, as if daring him to break her gaze.
Heero sighed and relaxed his arms.
"You're right," he said simply. This was probably his cue to apologize, to attempt to explain his bizarre behavior, and perhaps get back into her good graces. She didn't give him the chance. As soon as Heero released her from his hold, she wriggled out from under him.
"Coffee?" she called to Heero over his shoulder, striding over to the kitchenette. She was filling up a mug before he could reply. This was Relena's way of changing the subject.
Her sudden change in demeanor sometimes gave Heero whiplash, though he was coming to expect this from her. It was a political tactic she'd honed from years of deftly dodging uncomfortable or inappropriate topics during interviews and press conferences. The skill served her well, even during her conversations with him.
Heero stood to accept the steaming mug and took a sip. It was a dark, full-bodied roast. For someone who so disliked coffee, Relena was certainly skilled at making it. And she knew just the way he liked it.
The two were quiet for a few moments as each sipped their respective beverages. The silence was an uncomfortable one, at least for Heero; Relena seemed consumed by her thoughts. He wondered how many of them were centered on him, and how many had to do with work. This conference was an important one for Relena, as she was unveiling some significant initiatives for her Mars terraformation project. She had several meetings to attend and vital presentations to make. When Heero had started working for Relena a year ago, she was already prepping for this week. He had seen each draft of her major presentation, had pored over data, graphs and charts with her until his eyes were bloodshot. He'd even consulted with Zechs, his old archenemy, over vid-chat to gather the latest intel for Relena, something he'd loathed doing. He knew how much this week meant to her, and felt another wave of guilt for adding to her stress.
Relena's next words cut through his thoughts.
"Did you really spend all night looking for me?"
He looked up from the black liquid in his mug to see her regarding him, her face tilted to one side. It was a look she gave him often, as if she was trying to figure him out. Seven full years she'd known him, and she still gave him that curious look, and often.
Heero couldn't help it; he took a step toward Relena and gingerly tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah," he answered softly.
Relena's eyes flickered, and he instantly recognized her next expression: hope. She was hoping this was his way of saying he really loved her, he realized. She knew him, and knew that with him, actions always spoke louder than words. He could deny loving her all he wanted, but when he did something like this, he revealed his true feelings to her time and again.
And yet they continued their little charade, continued dancing around one another. It was just like when they waltzed together for the first time at Relena's school dance, when Relena told Heero straight out: "I know who you are." Up till that moment, he had thought her naïve, and far too nosy; then, she'd managed to surprise him with her knowledge of the political climate and all the players of the Eve Wars, and exactly who was on which side. "I'm on your side," she declared. That had been a first for Heero, and he realized there was something special about this brave, crazy girl. She was a lot stronger than he'd wagered; by the war's end, he'd decided she was far stronger than him.
Just like back then, Heero got the sense that they were dancing together, and Relena knew far more than she was leading on. He had managed to confuse her momentarily, perhaps, with his deception, but none of it had seemed to stick. Relena, if possible, had become more resolute than ever. Heero attempted to meet her unwavering gaze, but it was harder than he wanted to admit; just looking at her, he could sense her power. No one else had such power over him.
She's determined to make this work, he realized. He knew he didn't want to let her, but wondered if he even had a choice. He wasn't sure he could keep fighting her, anyway.
As if reading his thoughts once more, Relena whispered, "I don't want to fight with you, Heero."
Setting down her tea on the counter, she took a tentative step forward. They were standing quite close together; Heero could have pressed his forehead against hers if he wanted.
"I don't want to fight, either. I'm sorry," he added, though he sensed it was far too late to say that. It was worth a shot, he thought; at this point, he had nothing else to lose.
Relena took in a sharp breath.
"I want to say that I forgive you," she began, "but the things you said…" She finally broke her gaze, shifting her eyes to the floor. "It really hurt, Heero. I think it will take a while to get things back to the way they used to be." She looked up at him again, and he could see the pain in her eyes. "In fact, I'm not sure we'll ever get back there, because apparently I spent quite a few years misjudging exactly what was going on between us. I thought we shared the same feelings, but I seem to have misunderstood all along.
"I guess I ought to thank you," she continued, "for being honest with me. I could have gone on for much longer, thinking you felt the same way about me. I've been living in a fantasy for far too long, and needed someone to shake me from my delusions. So thank you for telling me the truth." She offered Heero a sad half-smile.
Wait, what? Heero wanted to stop her. He thought she understood exactly how he felt, could even read his mind. But his falsified confession had her questioning their entire relationship from the beginning. It was all his fault; he did lie and say that he never loved her. That she was merely important to him because she was important to the world, and he'd sworn to protect her, and other such bullshit. Heero felt all those things, sure, but he also felt much more than that. His attraction to Relena was paralyzing. He'd spent a year in her home fighting his urge to constantly touch her. He'd found subtle ways to bump into her, "accidentally" graze her shoulder or thigh, or create an excuse to grab her out of the blue. And every time he touched her, he felt electrified. Again, he was struck with the realization that Relena had no idea of the effect she had on him. He erroneously thought that, after all this time, she knew.
Last night, he had finally caved to his desires. When he'd found Relena naked on the bathroom floor and needing his assistance, Heero had momentarily convinced himself that she'd only pretended to fall, or had actually fallen on purpose. He thought, perhaps, that she was tired of waiting for him to make a move and decided to take the reigns herself, and finally take things further. It was only for a moment, but he'd allowed himself to lose control. If only he'd remained the perfect soldier, this stilted, painful conversation wouldn't be happening. Relena would be happy, relaxed and well-rested for her meeting; or, if she was neurotic and stressed, at least he wouldn't have been the cause of it. Or, alternately, if he'd kept his stupid mouth shut and just had sex like they'd both wanted to, perhaps he and Relena would be having an entirely different conversation… or, perhaps, wouldn't be talking at all. He could think of a million far more interesting things for them to do…
"Fuck," Heero cursed. Relena's bewildered expression revealed that he'd said it out loud, although he hadn't meant to. "Sorry," he muttered.
She shook her head vigorously. "We can't go on like this, Heero. I've got to focus on my job, and you've clearly got some personal demons to battle."
Heero winced. Relena had just reduced Heero's tragic, brutal history into a single cliché: "personal demons." That hurt, but he knew she didn't mean it as an insult. And even if she did, he felt that he deserved it.
She must have sensed that she'd landed a blow. Relena took another step toward Heero, taking his hands into her own.
"Listen," she spoke more softly. "There is a lot between us, and I don't want to lose that. Somewhere along the way, our relationship became overly complicated and confusing. I'd like to keep things simple, if we can."
Heero simply nodded as Relena continued.
"Let's just try, if possible, to focus on what's important and not let our personal feelings get in the way."
Heero hadn't been expecting that.
"It's imperative that we maintain our professional relationship," Relena concluded. "This terraformation… it's everything. I need this conference to go smoothly, and these next few days are crucial. Do you understand, Heero?"
He was shell-shocked. Relena was willing to sweep all their issues aside so she could focus on getting ESUN to sign onto her Mars project. Was that really what she valued most, in the scheme of things? Perhaps he didn't know her quite as well as he thought.
Or perhaps she, too, was trying to deflect from her true feelings. At the moment, it was probably just too much. Heero decided that he should probably let her be. It had been his decision to ruin things between them; had he expected her to beg for him to take her back? Or for her to take him back, if he'd come begging to her?
It was pointless to keep dragging things out, he thought. If she could bury their issues and move on so swiftly, so could he.
"Whatever you want, Relena," he said with a shrug.
He wasn't expecting the hand that struck him suddenly across the face—hard.
Heero almost lost his balance, recoiling from Relena's blow. He'd couldn't believe it—she'd slapped him. And it stung.
"No, Heero, it isn't about what I want, is it?" she snapped. "How dare you. If you cared so much about my feelings and what I want, you should have considered that before you all but attacked me last night."
Heero glowered. He wasn't used to Relena speaking to him so harshly, let alone hitting him.
"You make it sound like I tried to rape you," he seethed, "when you're the one who threw yourself at me."
Relena raised her hand as if to slap him again, but this time Heero caught it.
"You kissed me!" she cried.
"You were naked," he retorted.
Relena gasped. "As if that's any excuse? You're not a Neanderthal, Heero! You can control yourself."
"I've tried to control myself, Relena." Heero's eyes burned. "We've been living together for a year. We're like a married couple without any of the benefits."
Relena let out a laugh, but it was a bitter sound. "If this was a marriage, I'd want a divorce." A few tears escaped from her eyes.
"This is why we shouldn't get married," Heero growled.
"We'd have to be in a relationship to be married," Relena snapped, "and there's no chance of that ever happening again." She snatched back the hand Heero was still holding. "I'm done, Heero."
"We've been done," he muttered.
"Oh, have we?" Relena rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the reminder."
Heero cast his eyes to the floor. Just when he thought they might be working toward healing, everything he'd tried to repair had blown up in his face—literally.
"Relena." He'd meant to simply take a breath, but her name had involuntarily escaped his lips. It happened all the time; speaking her name was as natural to him as breathing. As if she were a part of him, even though the two of them had never become one.
He looked up to see her wiping away tears. He knew how much she hated him seeing her cry. She turned her attention toward tidying the kitchen counter.
"You can go now," she said curtly. "I don't need you to stay here. I'll call for another Preventer to accompany me for the duration of the conference."
Heero shook his head, though Relena's back was turned to him. "You'll need security for your flight back to Sanc, which is where I happen to live, and will need to return to, anyway. At some point, we'll have to go back together."
Relena spun around.
"I don't want to go with you, Heero," she cried. "You can go and collect your things whenever you wish, but we will be traveling separately."
Ever so slightly, Heero's eyes widened. "Collect… my things?"
"Yes," Relena sighed. She brushed past Heero, walked over to the couch, and gathered up her paperwork. Then she kept on walking to her bedroom. Once she reached the door he'd busted in the dark of night, she shot a glance over her shoulder.
"Heero… You're fired."
A/N: All I have to say is… ouch! This chapter was quite painful to write. I hope you'll forgive me for my month-long absence; I've tried to make up for the wait with a longer chapter this time. Hope you enjoyed!