FACADE STAGEPLAY Fri Mar 01 16 47 39 2013
TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?
GRACE What for?
TRIP That should be obvious!
GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!
TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!
GRACE What - Trip, don't give me that look!
GRACE You're going to drive me crazy!
(Jeff knocks on the front door.)
(Jeff knocks on the front door.)
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP Jeff!
TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's been a while, how's it going?
(Jeff hugs trip.)
TRIP Ha ha, hi!
TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see you.
TRIP So come on in!
GRACE No, no, here we are!
GRACE Jeff,
GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!
(Jeff picks up the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
TRIP Yeah, yeah, how are you doing?
(Jeff sits on the couch.)
GRACE Uh, I just asked him that...
TRIP Well I'm asking him too!
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "No")
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
(The advice ball reads, "Yes")
GRACE Well, come on in, make yourself at home!
(Jeff gets up from the couch.)
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Oh that - that's just a little joke advice giver toy thing that I like to consult now and then...
(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")
(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)
(Trip closes the front door.)
(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")
(Jeff puts down the advice ball.)
TRIP when I need a little guidance. Ha ha.
GRACE His mother gave that to him.
TRIP Stocking stuffer, heh.
TRIP (clears throat)
GRACE Well, so, make yourself at home...
GRACE Jeff, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to - (interrupted)
PHONE ** RING **
TRIP Oh, I'll get it -
GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.
PHONE ** RING **
TRIP Grace, no, I want -
GRACE Trip, please dear, don't be rude.
GRACE Why, are you expecting a phone call?
PHONE ** RING **
TRIP No, are you?
GRACE No...
PHONE ** RING **
ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **
ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!
ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **
ANSWERING MACHINE Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.
TRIP Oh, it's your parents! I'll get it -
GRACE Trip, Trip, please, I don't want to talk to them right now...
TRIP I want to say hello -
GRACE No no, Trip, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...
ANSWERING MACHINE I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.
GRACE the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.
ANSWERING MACHINE Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.
TRIP Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people -
GRACE Uhh, no, they're impossible, they expect me to drive up to the house in Connecticut to attend all their stupid socialite charity benefits and parties, it's so tiresome.
ANSWERING MACHINE (clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.
TRIP (frustrated sigh)
TRIP Heh heh, Jeff, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?
GRACE Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile sound)
TRIP Hey, I just realized something.
GRACE What...
TRIP Oh, tonight's a special night! A celebration in fact!
GRACE What do you mean?
TRIP Jeff, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.
TRIP Senior year of college!
GRACE Oh... geez...
TRIP Remember that?
TRIP Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration.
(Trip shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Perhaps.
TRIP Huh!
GRACE (little sigh)
GRACE (big sigh)
GRACE Oh God, Jeff, this isn't much fun for you, is it?
TRIP What?
GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.
TRIP Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...
GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend -
TRIP Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not.
TRIP (frustrated sigh) Sheejus.
(Trip shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP Heh... It's a sure thing.
TRIP Huh... I don't know about that...
GRACE Trip, would you put that thing away, it's ridiculous.
TRIP I like it!
GRACE You know, ever since we got married, I can't help it, I'm forever buying new furniture and redecorating,
GRACE I - I really enjoy it -
TRIP Yeah, it's in your blood, you grew up with this stuff.
GRACE Jeff, now be honest with me, agree that this room just does not work!
TRIP Grace, come on, what are you talking about?
GRACE All day at work I design ads for apartments like this,
GRACE and then I think, I want this style for my apartment -
TRIP I love this style, I feel like I'm inside one of your ads, it's great!
GRACE but... I'm wrong, it is just not coming together at all!
TRIP Oh come on! Jesus why can't you just be happy with this? This is fine!
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
TRIP Grace, everything's fine, no one is complaining about your decorating!
GRACE No, he is just being courteous... this room is not -
TRIP Uhh, Grace, come on, people like it, you're the only one -
GRACE You know, Trip, if you hadn't convinced me to go into advertising, I could have painted that painting on the wall instead of buying it!
TRIP You're never happy...
JEFF Um... Drinks?
TRIP Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute, heh!
GRACE Uhh, Jeff, please don't encourage him.
(Trip shakes the advice ball.)
TRIP You can bet on it, hmm.
TRIP Uhh, yeah, right...
GRACE Oh God, Trip, if I have to hear that thing one more time, I'm going to go insane, please!
TRIP Oh, I'm not allowed to have a little toy?! Jesus. (frustrated sigh)
TRIP Oh my God, Jeff, oh my God, I am so bad...
GRACE What?!
TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!
GRACE tuhh...
TRIP Oh this is good because I just bought these classy new cocktail shakers I need us to try out.
GRACE Trip's favorite pastime is to get the blood alcohol content of his guests higher than his golf score.
TRIP Why don't I make us one of my new drink inventions,
TRIP I call it Grace's Inner Soul.
TRIP It's a mixture of chardonnay, bitters and lots of ice.
GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.
TRIP What?! So, uhh,
TRIP Jeff, how - how does that sound?
JEFF Sure.
TRIP Ah, Jeff, you have deliciously wicked taste.
GRACE Jeff, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?
TRIP (exhale very tense)
JEFF No thanks.
TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!
TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!
JEFF Sorry.
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!
GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.
TRIP What?
GRACE In college, you were a bartender.
TRIP How do you know about that?
GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.
TRIP Oh, that's great.
TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!
TRIP Goddamn slumming it off campus...
JEFF No drinks...?
TRIP You hide things from me! You're so distant! You... - (interrupted)
TRIP Jeff, wait, I can't fix you a drink right now!
GRACE (impatient sigh) Jeff, - (interrupted)
JEFF Aww. Okay.
TRIP Huh? What are you saying to me?
(JEFF picks up the red wine bottle.)
GRACE My goddamn parents...
GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist just being yourself!
TRIP Oh, Jesus...!
(JEFF puts down the red wine bottle.)
TRIP Alright, you know what, Jeff,
TRIP I need to ask you something.
GRACE Trip -
TRIP Grace, let me ask our guest a question.
JEFF Sure, bro.
TRIP Jeff, yes or no...
TRIP Isn't the goal in life, and in marriage, to improve your life, to have more than you did before?
GRACE What?
TRIP I mean, shouldn't you get married - (interrupted)
JEFF You asked me this yesterday.
TRIP Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!
TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!
GRACE Oh, don't even...!
JEFF IT IS ENDING THE SAME WAY!
GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, get out of my sight!
GRACE I can't take you anymore!
JEFF I've seen this one time before!
GRACE Dammit, Trip!
GRACE What are you saying? What?
TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?
GRACE I wasn't talking about you!
GRACE Jeff, I - I'm sorry... this is a disaster... - (interrupted)
JEFF No, guys. Lets be awesome.
GRACE Jeff, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...
TRIP Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we?
GRACE What?
TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -
JEFF Just now, maybe.
GRACE Jeff, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!
JEFF THAT POOR TABLE! D:
JEFF NOOOOOOO!
TRIP No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...
JEFF IT WAS SO YOUNG!
GRACE Uhh...
TRIP Jeff, what, is there something I should do?
GRACE Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.
JEFF Yes. Sit and calm down.
TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?
(JEFF sits on the couch.)
GRACE Trip...
TRIP Like I always have to convince you?
GRACE Jeff, you know, we... uhh...
JEFF Hey, can I ask a question?
TRIP No?
TRIP It's just never easy with you, Grace, and it wears me down.
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
JEFF Hello? Can I ask a question?
TRIP Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.
TRIP Grace, I - I want to take care of you...
GRACE Trip...
JEFF Why are you two so mad?
GRACE Why?
GRACE Ah, good, you're asking questions, see, that helps...
GRACE So that's how you see it, Trip, that you're 'taking care of me'...?
TRIP Grace...
GRACE You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'!
JEFF Trip, it's about mutual partnership
TRIP What...?
GRACE Trip, it is such an act!
TRIP Oh my God... Jeff, what... uhh...
JEFF I think you should hug.
GRACE Ah!
TRIP Jeff, you're - you're saying I'm... I'm a loving person.
TRIP Grace, you know I've never wanted anyone but you...
GRACE No?
JEFF Both should be affectionate.
TRIP Yes? - (interrupted)
GRACE Well... uhh... this is the first time you've actually come out and said that, Trip.
JEFF And GET ALONG.
GRACE Let's talk some more about Trip.
TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... you're not an artist.
GRACE Uhh...!
TRIP I'm sorry, you're not.
GRACE Jeff, uhh...
JEFF Guys, can we talk like the normal?
TRIP Ah!
GRACE Jeff, you're saying I'm... not communicative? No, that's just wrong, I'm the one here who is able to actually say things...
JEFF I think you need to try again.
GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.
JEFF New start.
GRACE Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!
TRIP What, I'm not allowed to be angry?
GRACE You tell me what to do, you don't listen.
TRIP Jeff, I'm not telling - (interrupted)
JEFF Well, you go overboard...
TRIP See, I'm the one trying to reach out to you, Grace...
GRACE Uhh...
JEFF NO, that was you, TRIP!.
TRIP Let's keep talking about us both, not just one of us.
JEFF You're overboard, Trip!
TRIP You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...
TRIP Jeff, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!
JEFF Hey, be professional.
GRACE Yes?
TRIP Ah, thank you, just saying that helps us... See, Jeff, her acting loving is the only reason I like our - (interrupted)
JEFF Like the mod developer wanted.
TRIP Look around here. We're doing well, really well.
GRACE God, Trip, I can't believe even now you're still... - (interrupted)
JEFF WE'RE IN A VIDEO GAME.
TRIP Oh yeah, you'd - (interrupted)
TRIP See Grace. Our friend knows a good life when he sees it.
GRACE You both... uhh...
JEFF PLOT TWIST!...
GRACE Let's keep talking about Trip.
TRIP Jeff, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.
GRACE Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.
JEFF Well, not that plant...
TRIP Well, heh, I - I mean, we - heh - we - we've got everything...
JEFF But otherwise, you're all amazing.
GRACE Trip, - (interrupted)
GRACE No, please stop taking sides, it's just going to make it worse!
JEFF Okay, how about this?
GRACE No let's - let's focus on us, our relationship.
GRACE Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, - (interrupted)
JEFF New start. Better marriage.
GRACE Look, if we're going to talk about marriage, all I can say is, it doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.
TRIP Grace...
GRACE I'm not saying marriage - (interrupted)
JEFF It did for me.
TRIP No, no, look, marriage is - uhh... is this great thing that everybody does, to be happy! It can turn out just fine!
GRACE (frustrated sigh)
JEFF Marriage. You're doing it wrong.
GRACE Uhh, Jeff, God, we already talked about that topic... (frustrated sigh)
JEFF Guys. Be honest. Do you love?
GRACE Ah!
TRIP Jeff, you're saying I'm lying?
TRIP Jeff, you're saying I'm lying?
GRACE See, you lied to me when you said I'd be able to take time off from work at some point, to start painting again. - (interrupted)
JEFF I just want to know.
TRIP Jeff, you - you think I'm lying?
TRIP Oh, geez...
JEFF I just want to know!
TRIP Uhh, this is too much, I can't take this...
JEFF You guys. Please. This is sad.
TRIP No, don't, don't talk me right now...
TRIP Okay, that's it, no more of this bullshit!
TRIP Jeff, I know what you're trying to hint at...
TRIP about us...
JEFF Trip, please. Calm down.
TRIP about our marriage...
TRIP No, Jeff, hold on, hold on, let me finish!
JEFF I'M NOT HINTING ANYTHING.
TRIP Do you really want the truth? Huh?
TRIP Jeff, are you ready to hear it?
JEFF I DON'T WANT NO TRUTH.
TRIP Grace?
GRACE Yes...!
TRIP See, Jeff, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.
TRIP You've been pushing me tonight.
TRIP It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.
GRACE Trip!
TRIP Jeff, come on - yes or no...
JEFF I'm your best friend. :D
TRIP Do you really think that...
TRIP praising me...
TRIP praising Grace...
TRIP saying that Grace is not communicative...
TRIP and worst of all,
TRIP saying I need to be more loving...
JEFF I'm just trying to mend the hate.
TRIP and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...
TRIP Wait, Jeff, let me finish!
TRIP that we'll somehow realize something about our marriage?
JEFF I only want love. D:
TRIP Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?
TRIP Is it? Just give me a yes or no.
JEFF You need correction.
TRIP No, Jeff, just give me a yes or no.
JEFF Trip... You need a nap.
TRIP No? Huh, well, I thought it did add up to something, actually.
TRIP Grace...
JEFF That you should mend the hate?
TRIP uhh...
TRIP I forced you to marry me, didn't I.
TRIP When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve, and...
JEFF No, no! D:
TRIP I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no.
JEFF I FORCED HER!
(JEFF gets up from the couch.)
GRACE You manipulated me.
JEFF IT IS MY FAULT.
GRACE And I never did anything about it.
TRIP Yes.
GRACE And here we are.
JEFF I KILLED YOUR CAT.
TRIP uhh...
GRACE uhh...
JEFF HE WAS SO YUMMY.
GRACE Oh my God...!
TRIP Wait, Jeff, Grace, there's more...
GRACE More?
JEFF TRIP, STOP TALKING.
TRIP Grace...
TRIP uhh...
JEFF STOP. TALKING.
TRIP I've been having an affair.
GRACE Oh my God.
JEFF OH MY GOD.
TRIP It's over now, though.
GRACE But how could you -
TRIP (big sigh) with the client, in, uh, Barcelona.
GRACE Maria.
TRIP I was lonely, Grace.
TRIP But, but, I - I regret it, I really, really regret it.
TRIP uhh...
GRACE uhh...
GRACE Oh my God...!
GRACE Jeff, I, uhh...
GRACE This changes everything...
TRIP Yes, it does change everything.
JEFF It's progress. Please!
TRIP I think it's over.
GRACE Trip, what -
TRIP No!
JEFF NO IT ISN'T
TRIP It's over, Grace, can't you see that?
JEFF TRIP YOU BASTARD STAY HERE
GRACE Wha... b - but you just said -
TRIP I just told you something about us I should have said a long time ago:
JEFF YOU BITCH ASS MOFO.
TRIP I manipulated you into marrying me...
TRIP And no, Jeff, enough of that already...
JEFF GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.
TRIP And about me...
TRIP I cheated on you. I betrayed you.
JEFF I'LL SLEEP WITH GRACE INSTEA
TRIP And no, Jeff, enough!
GRACE Trip, I -
TRIP No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's - it's not about you...
JEFF SHE'LL MAKE A LOVELY FRIEND
GRACE Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!
JEFF IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
TRIP Jeff, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks.
(JEFF hugs grace.)
JEFF sup.
(JEFF picks up a trinket 6.)
(JEFF puts down a trinket 6.)
GRACE Trip!
(Trip opens the front door.)
GRACE Trip!
JEFF GET OUT.
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE Oh my God...
JEFF MY HOUSE NOW.
GRACE I should have told him that I...
GRACE I could have told him that...
JEFF Told him what?