She awoke to the smell of rain and coffee, alone in her bed in the flat she shared with a man she barely knew. Martha could hear morning sounds and a faint humming that meant he was in a good mood.

It was Christmas Eve morning, and she knew it was time to get up. They had planned the long drive to London, forgoing the too long visit that Francine had initially proposed. Two days was enough of pretending happy family, thank you very much.

Martha emerged from the solitude of her room, wearing her old robe and nothing on her feet. The heater had not yet reached the floor and Martha relished the cold tickling her toes as she made her way to the kitchen. "Whatever that is, it smells really amazing."

He turned and looked at her over his shoulder, the smile on his face was as dazzling as the Doctor when he would get wind of an impending adventure. "Merry Christmas Eve." he came to her and wapped his arms around her. "How'd you sleep?"

Martha hugged back, "Pretty good, no midnight calls for milk." she smiled.

"He is sleeping through the night; I thought we would never get there." John shook his head in awe. "He is growing so fast, it seems like only yesterday we were...Hang on, I wasn't there for his birth, but I came in later, didn't I?"

Martha nodded, glad he could not see her face. She continued to hold onto him, hating when the lies had to mask the truth. In her bottom drawer were two watches, so precious that she had to hide them. There were times while she was at work that she feared they would be stolen while they were all out of the house. Martha did not dare to put them in a safe deposit box, she needed to have them near. "Yeah, you were away, remember, and we weren't exactly getting on too well at the time."

"Why?" he pulled away and did look at her face then, his eyes begged for the right answers. Martha held her head, refusing to lower her gaze, but the twist in her gut was even worse as she forced a lie sandwiched between half-truths. "You wanted to be there, but I .." she did lower her gaze then, funny how she found herself more ashamed of the truth. "I didn't call you. I didn't want you to come." She admitted finally.

He nodded and sighed. "You know, for someone that hates me-"

"I don't hate you John." Martha answered.

"But not calling me for our son's birth? Why would you do that?" he asked without anger. In fact, the sound of his voice was a hurt that Martha had to admit called to her own guilt at her actions. "When I left you, I was about seven months pregnant." She moved to sit at the table as John served up plates and sat one in front of her. He nodded as he seated himself, encouraging her to go on. "I was hurt, in a lot of pain."

"Physical pain?" John asked with sudden concern.

Martha shook her head and went on. "Emotional. I was angry at how my life had turned out, angry at how I felt that I was rushed into a marriage that I didn't have any control over. Not you, the marriage." she shrugged then, realizing how much of the truth was spilling out, wrapped in pretty ties of a fake life. "IS this a conversation we should be having on Christmas Eve?" she asked, suddenly weary.

"his is a conversation we should have had a long time ago." John answered. "You know, I walk around here like a man in a dream. I have enough chunks of my own life missing that I feel like I don;t even know myself, who I am."

"John-" Martha said.

But the tall man across from her shook his head, "No, its true. I don't recall childhood friends, or a lot of my childhood. Hell, I don't even remember what my parents looked like. But I remember you, Martha. Standing in the halls of the hospital; running though New York. I remember you. Your laughter at my jokes, the look in your eyes when we first met. I remember trying over and over again to impress you, I remember every sad expression on your face, and I remember the joy in your eyes when I kissed you the first time. It's always your face, Martha. Adric too, but yours, so wrapped up in everything in my life in the last few years. You are inextricable from me. You know what that tells me?"

Martha shook her head as she stabbed at her omelet.

His hand reached across the table, "It tells me that you are my family. That, no matter what I may have done in the past, it wasn't about hurting you. It was never about hurting you. Whatever I did, and I imagine it was pretty bad. Whatever I did I did out of my own fucked up since of reality." He went back to eating, as if nothing had been said. He attacked his breakfast as if it was trying to leave his plate.

She held her fork in front of her mouth, surprised at his words. It was Martha who spoke. "You didn't just hurt me; I guess we hurt each other. I didn't call you because I thought it would make everything easier. I had no idea until after he was born how bad of a decision it had been. "

John shrugged from across the table. "Wither way, we're here now, shouldn't we both be in it to win it?" he grinned.

"For Adric," she nodded, finally beginning to see that it really was long term, that whatever this was between her and the Doctor, it had a purpose.

John shook his head determined. "No, that's no reason to stay together."

Martha raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"I don't mean he is no reason, he is every reason." John sighed and placed his fork down. "I mean Martha, we should stay together for us. I can see it, I remember it. We were good together. Are good together." He took her hand again. "Besides, who else do we got?"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Well, this is awesome." John announced as they arrived in front of Francine's respectably large four bedroom house. But, John was referring to the large black SUV parked in front. "Why is Jack here?" he asked with the same tone of disbelief. It had been a long dive to London, and Adric was none too pleased with being on lockdown for five and a half hours.

"I think he is dating my sister." Martha announced off handedly. In fact, she was not sure what the two of them were up to. "I think."

"No one really dates my cousin." John replied with a crooked smile. "They sorta get dragged along for the ride."

Martha playfully slugged his shoulder before getting out of the car to retrieve the now screaming infant that was Adric. "Not an image I want in my head, thanks." By the time they made it to the front door, Adric was up to full blast, they had even tried passing him between them to see if he would cam down. Nothing worked.

"Give him here," Francine demanded as she opened the door. "I can only guess what the two of you have done to him to make him scream like that."

"Nice to see you to, Mum." Martha smiled, ignoring the 'I told you so,' look from John. "I assure you, he has made it this far without ay trips to hospital or hostile kidnappings.

"Well, I am sure it was not from a lack of trying on both your parts."

"Mum," Martha warned with a glare. They followed her mother into the warm house and Martha was instantly homesick. It's a funny thing to return home merely for a visit to the house you grew up in. It feels like your home, and not, all at the same time. She took their bags and climbed the stairs to her old bedroom.

"Have I been here before?" John asked, close at her heels, and Martha was glad he went first so he could not see the smile that had spread across her face. He was still afraid of her mother, as it should be.

"Once or twice," Martha replied as she lead him to her room. "It's not exactly your favorite place in the universe."

"Well, that went without saying." She heard him mumble. "Oh, I remember this!" John pointed at a picture on her dresser, and Martha swore that had not been there before. It was a picture taken at the Italian restaurant, before the debriefing her family had endured after the year that never was. Martha had never seen it before, and she realized her mother had supplied it for John to see. "We all went out to dinner, after..." he seemed confused for a moment, John's head tilted back and his eyes went far away. "It was after..."

Martha had been so good on her feet, but that day was one of her blind sides. The Doctor hadn;t stayed, had only come to accompany her family to the location then left with UNIT officers. He had gone to retrieve his ship, had not even stayed for the dinner with her family. "You left, you only popped in for a moment." She began to wonder if coming home for Christmas had been such a good idea after all.

John snapped his fingers. "I had a sick friend! I had to go suddenly, but there was something that happened before that, something important."

Martha shrugged. "Don't strain, it'll come to you." she placed her and John's things away as he roamed her childhood memories.

"Metallica? Really? That's not even real music."

Martha grabbed the CD out of his hands. "If you are gonna offer a running commentary or everything in my room, I am gonna have to charge you admission."

John grinned and folded his arms. "Martha?"

"Hmm?" she offered trying to ignore him, and wondering how so much of the Doctor could be bleeding through.

"We're sharing a room." he smiled.

"Yes, we are." She agreed with a nod, "and so is Addy."

He seemed completely nonplussed at her reminder. "We are sharing a room."

"With Addy," she offered more for herself than for him.

"And, a bed." he grinned and placed his hands around her middle and drew her to him, "I miss sleeping next to you. I mean, don't get me wrong, it has been a good idea, getting to know who we are before going any further, but..." he nuzzled her neck.

Things had been getting better between them in the last two months. He seemed more than attentive, always woke up with Adric in the middle of the night, dates and long talks were slowly breaking down Martha's carefully constructed resolve against having anything to do with either John o the Doctor. She wasn't as immune to him as she had convinced herself she was, and wondered if there were inoculations against it somewhere in the TARDIS.

She really missed that old ship, but Sarah Jane and Jack had agreed with her that the safest place for the ship would be in Sarah Jane's attic. Martha had planned to take a trip out to visit her. She was sure the ship missed her Doctor. And, somehow,, with the frequent in and out she had had recently, it had somehow become her home as well.

"John," she warned half-heartedly.

He let go of her with a sigh and sank onto the bed. "It's been ages for me. For us." He nodded.

She sat next to him and placed her hand on his thigh. "We come a long way, yeah?" she asked with a smile.

"I could think of how this could go a lot further." He returned. John held up his hands at her glare. "Right, I know,"

Martha opened her mouth to speak, to quell the lingering fire in his words, but the man next to her was determined to pour gasoline onto an already smoldering heap. "It's just..." he sighed hands moving through his hair. "I don't remember us being together."

"I don;t understand, this morning you said I was all you could really recall-"

"No, I meant that. But I don't recall us being...together." John's voice had become deep and husky, his lips moved around a timbre of heat and expectation.

"John..." Martha repeated. She rose from the bed, but John was faster, he grabbed her wrist and tugged. She remained standing, and John came to stand close to her.

"I don't remember us in that way. I don't remember what it's like to feel you around me, to hear the soft little moans I just know you make. To feel you open in front of me like a good book." he whispered into her ear.

She was stuck, trapped by her own vulnerability to his tactile maneuvers. "It'll come to you," she repeated.

"It may," he nodded. "But, will you?" His eyes burned with a desire she was not ready to acknowledge. Not here, not now. "Do you love me, Martha? Or are we just here because it's the only choice?"

She tried to shake her head, but her eyes lowered, it was a lie too big to tell, a truth too horrible to reckon. "I'm trying, John."

He brought his lips to hers for a quick but heated kiss. "Tell me, have you ever loved me?" John asked.

Martha nodded her head slowly, assured of the truth in her words. "There was a time, John." She swallowed, wanting to use his name, the real one she knew. "There was a time when you were the reason I smiled in the morning. Your eyes were so manic, so much fire and ice and rage in them. I wanted to be that reason you burned, I wanted to be that fire in your eyes."

"And now?" he asked. "Now that I am not the same man you kissed in the hospital. Now?"

"You taught me to run. And I have not stopped since."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Why is my son dressed like the Anti-Christ?" John asked as they made their way downstairs. Adric sat quietly in Francine's lap.

"It's his little Santa suit, how do you figure that is evil?" Francine asked while waving Addy's hand at his parents.

"Santa, Satan. Not much difference in a name. Maybe it's a cover." John shrugged taking Addy into his arms.

"I think it's cute." Martha smiled. "Is that the suit, Mum?"

"Of course, it's been worn by all three of you, and now my two grandchildren have worn it. I need to get my camera." Francine ran for the other room, leaving the small family seated in front of the tree.

"I should go and see where everyone has gotten to. I know Jack is around here somewhere."

"Well, just make sure that you knock first." John threw back as she made her way to the back of the house.

She found her mother in the guest bedroom rifling through old boxes in search of something. "Mum, what are you doing?"

"Giving you two sometime. You were upstairs for a whiel, I figured you needed to be alone as a family for a bit." she turned and smiled at her daughter. "I remember when I spent out first Christmas together at your father's family's house. Ugh, that was a nightmare."

"It's not like that, Mum/' Martha quickly amended.

Francine looked at her daughter as if she had just announced she was joining the circus. "I don;t understand." Francine Jones admitted. "He asked for my permission-"

"Yeah, thanks for that, Mum. You could have asked how I felt about it." Martha fired back.

"...he explained everything to me. Told me it was necessary because of Adric,"

Martha shook her head; no doubt it was exactly what he told her. She sighed and rubbed her eyes with her hand. "Its fine, Mum." Martha insisted, with a sudden need to change the subject. There was no blame to be laid on her mother\s part, Francine only ever acted out of love for her family, and her fierceness in that endeavor was more endearing than dangerous. Well, at least for her family, "where is everyone?"

Francine finally did smile then, letting go of the confused look she had acclimated since \Martha found her in the spare room. "They are all downstairs, in the family room." Francine answered with a knowing nod.

"Oh no," Martha shook her head as nostalgia roiled over her. "Who won the coin toss?"

"Your sister,"

Martha shook her head but smiled. "'The Nightmare before Christmas,' then?"

Francine patted her daughter\s shoulder and moved to the door. "It\s a tradition, now that you have your own family, you will start to understand."

Martha\s expression must have been as confusing as she thought without looking in a mirror. Francine spoke carefully, probably, as Martha thought, recalling what her daughter had been like soon after Adric's birth. "You are all right, aren't you Martha? "

Martha figured her mother needed the affirmation that it was all sunshine and roses; that her life with the Doctor was just about everything that made Martha happy. "It's good, Mum." She nodded reassuringly. "Everything is good, we are….getting closer. At least we were before this happened."

Francine smiled. "He is rubbish as a human, isn't he?"

You have no idea, Martha thought before offering her mother a knowing smile accentuated with a squeeze of the older woman's hand.

"Well, go on down and watch the movie with everyone, I am sure your favorite will get it's turn in the rotation." Martha hid in the room for another five minutes, trying to sort both her feelings and her ability to react to the situations she had been placed in. He trusted her to care for him, it had been that way since she first came to travel with him. It was always her responsibility to make sure he didn't get himself into trouble, or make sure he was healthy. Why was that her duty?

Then again, she had just eased her mother's mind with a soft lie about her own life.

Martha sat of the firm bed in the room and ran her hands over her face. It was becoming more than clear that this situation would not end pretty. Much as it had in Farmingham. Only then, Martha had made a complete fool of herself at the end; had practically thrown herself at him, and for what? For more coldness and indifference, more ambiguity in his reaction to her feelings?

Martha had never had trouble with rejection, she had always felt that nothing ventured and nothing gained was but far the best way to get through life. She had been a fool to tell the Doctor how she had felt then, but it was two years ago now, and while she was sure he recalled her words; his stoic indifference was forever etched in her mind.

And, while Martha Jones had no fear of rejection, fear of failure was a physical and tangible thing in her life. It was that fear that placed her at the top of classes all her life, and it was that fear that lead her to graduate with honors and the highest marks in her cvlass. No, fear of failure was a motivator to success, Martha Jones had counted herself lucky to have figured that out early in life.

Yet, was it that fear that had kept her now in emotional limbo? Was she basking in her sense of rightness and the ability to fob off failure buy not trying? The Doctor had told her in the console room that day, that he would only be able to see her as his wife; there was no equivocation from that. It was as indelible as one could get. He could forget who he was, but not who she was to him.

Anyone else would have been flattered, would have tripped over their own ego rushing to accommodate the now human man. Admittedly, she thought to herself, that list used to have her name written all over it.

Maybe that was at the heart of her holding him at arm's length. What she could once have blamed Rose's presence on was no longer a catalyst for all the behaviors she felt unjustly put upon her. There was a time, Martha knew, when she was the problem, but Rose had faded into the past when the Doctor voluntarily sent her back to the other universe. For good.

Martha rose from the bed and made her way back to the sitting room where she had left John and Adric. An animated conversation floated down the hall as she came to the sitting room. Tish was laughing at something John had said, and John's voice seemed to hold a lightness she had never heard.

Martha!" Tish spoke. "He's so big, and so beautiful." Tish became quiet at that, a dark cloud passed over her features as Martha sat next to her sister. "The pictures do not do him justice. He is so…I didn't expect him to be so…."

"Normal?" Martha added, ignoring the look of confusion from John.

Tish nodded, "Yeah, yeah."

John looked between the two sisters, confused as to the exchange. "Is there something wrong, Tish?| he asked.

Martha moved to sit beside her sister as Tish held Adric."She\s fine, John."

John nodded and stood. "All right, I can see this is about to turn into some commercial for female products." John stretched and turned toward the back of the house. Near the kitchen door, he turned and smiled. "It's amazing how much he looks like you Tish," John noted. "He doesn't look anything like my sister, but you. He's the spitting image." He turned and headed down the stairs without a second thought.

"He really doesn't have the slightest clues as to who he is, does he?" Tish asked after the ten minutes of awkward silence following John's announcement.

"He has no clue." Martha smiled. "Though, he didn't have much of one before he turned himself human, so…" Martha finally shrugged in lieu of an explanation. "Listen, Tish I want to apologize—"

Tish held up her hand and shook her head. "No, Martha. Let's just forget all that, I mean, hasn't been the greatest few years for the Joneses, has it?"

Martha's response was a wordless shake of her head, but an emphatic one nonetheless.

"Right," Tish surmised, then fell into silence again. She hefted the three month old baby into her hands and held him in front of her. "Up until you two had to go into intergalactic witness protection, the Doctor sent me pictures, almost every other day."

"Really? Oh Tish I am sorry he should not have—"

"You apologize way too much, Martha. " Tish spoke, still looking at Adric. "He does look like me, that is uncanny." She cuddled the infant closer. "I liked getting the pictures, it was good closure, and I was able to see that he was safe, and loved and cared for. I was really glad when the pictures included you."

"Genetics can be funny." Martha said. "You are ok, though?" she quickly glanced between her sister and the child she now considered hers.

"I will never take him from you, Martha." Tish asserted as if she had read the younger woman's mind. "He's not, for me, do you understand?" She smiled at her younger sister then, a smile to reassure her that her child would remain hers. "Big change from the tough need no one attitude you had before."

"Someone has to look out for him." Martha admitted.

"You are starting to sound like Mum." Tish smiled.

Martha smiled back and sighed. "Tish, when this happened, when you asked the Doctor to save him, to save Adric, did you know why you were doing it? Or, do you think it was because of the…what was done to you?"

Tish smiled and allowed her head to rest against the back of the plush sofa. "That is sort of a funny question, Martha. Is there a reason you want to know about how my mind worked when I was out of control?"

"Yes," Martha admitted. "I want to know how much control you had."

Tish nodded, "I suppose you would want to know, should know."