Catch 22: Chapter 4 - Say You Don't Want It
You try to wind your fingers into her hair, in an attempt to pull her closer, even though there is no distance between you; your body is flush against hers. Her grip on your shoulder is almost vice-like, but you're not entirely sure if she's pulling you closer or pushing you away.
But just as suddenly as you kissed her, you feel cold again, as she rips her mouth from yours, away from your touch, leaving a lingering feeling of emptiness inside you. The pained look her eyes floors you. You try to avoid all eye contact, petrified of the heavily charged atmosphere between you.
As if someone flipped a switch and all your unresolved feelings just came flooding back. But you know the way you feel about Nikki isn't as simple as turning a switch on or off. There's nothing black or white about how you would even begin to describe your feelings for Nikki.
"Oh God," she whispers, her voice barely audible through its hoarseness, as if she is struggling with her words. She runs a shaky hand through her hair, and begins to fiddle with her nails, shifting from one foot to the other. The atmosphere is off-balance, uneasy, and you want nothing more than to reach out and comfort her.
But of course, you can't. She has a boyfriend. She's somebody's girlfriend. Ben's, to be precise. At the thought of the word 'girlfriend', an overwhelming feeling of guilt washes over you. You remember. Isabel.
You forget sometimes how much has changed. How much you and Nikki have changed. Five years ago, you were both single, spending your time going to air shows, or playing poker with an equally single Leo. But when Leo found Janet, the dynamic shifted. You and Nikki became more independent, trusted with your own decisions, left to your own devices. The closer you became, the less likely it seemed you would become a couple.
It's been five years since you kissed her. It's one of those moments in your life that is defined by its simplicity, its clarity. In that moment, you wanted to kiss her, and despite all the ambiguity surrounding that moment, that's exactly what you did.
But Nikki changed. Following that diatribe about her destiny to be a prune, she changed herself. She became someone with a social life, someone who would kiss a guy she barely knew in the office car park, someone who would get so dressed up to meet firearms officers that you'd think she was going to a wedding. She left you behind, to put it bluntly. As her relationships got longer, yours became shorter. She moved on without you realising.
You're not entirely sure what to do now. You have so many questions swimming around in your head, it's difficult to judge which one would be the least awkward. Why did he kiss you? Well, you know why, but you haven't a clue why he's waited until now. He really picks his moments.
You're with Ben, unavailable. The realisation that you've essentially cheated in your first honest relationship in years weighs on your conscience like a ton of bricks. When you first started dating Ben, you felt good in almost every fibre of your being. (You ignore that miniscule part of you that felt the need to add the word 'almost'.) Either way, Ben felt inherently good for you.
You think back to when you first met Ben. Jenny had been admitted into hospital, following a questionable dose of Botox that left her face swollen with cellulitis. Jenny, being the nosiest of all your friends, took the opportunity to commandeer a conversation about Harry, which quickly descended into an argument involving the throwing of alcohol hand rub and you declaring that you were "just friends".
After your heated debate with Jenny, you suddenly felt in dire need of a very strong coffee. On ordering a double espresso, you were infuriated by the barista's reply that the espresso machine had just broken down.
"Here, have mine," an unknown voice said beside you. "I probably shouldn't have it anyway; I'm due in surgery in an hour," the stranger smiled at you, ordering a much-less caffeinated cup of tea instead, as he placed the steaming cup in your direction. You noticed that he was in scrubs, with a stethoscope around his neck. Scrubs suit him, you thought mentally. You didn't give a single thought to the other guy who always looks good in scrubs.
"I...well..." you hesitated reluctantly. You normally have guys that buy you drinks, not give them to you for no apparent reason.
"Come on, don't look at me like that, it isn't laced with Rohypnol. You just look like you need it more than me," the stranger smiled again. It wasn't one of those in-your-face dazzling whitened smiles, it was natural and inviting.
"Gee, thanks," you laughed.
"I didn't mean it like...I'm not very good at...I'm Ben," the stranger sighed, sticking out his hand to you, most likely to shake it.
"Nikki," you smiled, following him to find a table in the coffee shop.
After talking about music and medicine and old family pets, Ben noticed the time, and realised that his patient probably couldn't have a appendectomy without his help. He apologised, scribbling his number down on a napkin, and told you to call him if you ever needed another espresso.
Ben was nice. He is nice. You think about him calling you this morning to ask if he should wear a tie or not to lunch. You told him jumper and jeans was fine; it was only Leo, after all. It's things like that. He's smart, but not cocky. He's funny, but not immature. He's attractive, but not sleazy.
You don't find yourself constantly thinking about Harry when you're with Ben.
"Nikki..." his voice brings you back into the present, his whisper strained, as if he too is struggling to cope with this situation. It's all new territory, not just the stable relationships you've managed to maintain over the past few months, but the very not-platonic feelings that have revealed themselves tonight.
"Don't," your voice sounds a lot stronger than you thought it would, even though you can still hear the wobble if you listen closely.
"Nikki, we have to talk about-"
"No, no, we don't. We have to go back out there, and smile, and be happy, and be in relationships, because that's exactly what's happening. We have to go out there and not talk about this again, because that...that did not just happen...and...we have to...cake. We have to eat cake," you ramble, at a loss for anything remotely coherent.
"Nikki-"
"No," you hiss, interrupting him again, "Just stop, okay?"
Isabel shares an awkward glance with you over the table. Janet had served dessert, and then taken Isabel upstairs for something to do with béchamel. When they came back to the table, they noticed the absence of two people from the table. Harry and Nikki. Your respective other halves. You smile back, unsure of what to say.
As far as you could tell, the main course was lovely. The conversation flowed, although the wine flowed a lot more. However, the undertone of awkwardness at the table was more prominent now, more uncomfortable. But you were unsure why. There didn't seem to be an obvious elephant in the room.
Looking up again, you see the challenge in Isabel's eyes, as if to question which one of you will be the most desperate and go in search of their partner? With the strained conversation having dwindled into an unbearable silence, your stomach reminds you that it needs pudding.
"I'll just go see where they've got to," you smile, earning a curt nod from Leo in approval as you get up from the table in the direction of the kitchen.
"Nikki? Are you alright?"
Yet another foreign voice pokes his head around the door, interrupting the talk that you and Nikki had yet to finish. However, with Nikki shutting you out, and supposedly acting like nothing had happened, you would have to wait to finish what you were trying to say. Preferably when her tongue was loosened with alcohol.
"Yeah, babe, I'm fine," she smiles, walking up to him and giving him a quick peck on the lips, which seems to satisfy him. It's a relationship kiss. Not the passion-fuelled, guilt-ridden kiss that you shared with her earlier, but the kiss that requires nothing more to satisfy.
You wonder how many of Isabel's kisses it will take before you're satisfied the way Nikki satisfies you.
"What's wrong? Your eyes are red," Ben asks concernedly, brushing his hand against her cheek lightly.
"Hmmm? Oh, nothing, just got soap in my eyes. Harry was helping me rinse it out," she lies smoothly, cleverly giving you an alibi too.
"You should've called me - I'm a doctor," he grins sheepishly, with a goofy grin.
"So am I," you state, arms folded across your chest, guarded, with just the tiniest hint of smugness.
"Dessert? I'm starving," Nikki smiles, changing the subject quickly.
"Yeah," smiles Ben, content, taking her hand, and leading her out of the door. You mirror Nikki's actions from earlier and rake a hand through your hair, leaning against the kitchen counter.
"Are you coming, Harry? You never miss an opportunity for Janet's victoria sponge," Nikki laughs, leaning back through the doorway, still attached to Ben's hand.
"Yeah," you smile half-heartedly, out of Ben's line of sight.
She's acting. Acting like it never happened. Acting like nothing has changed. Acting like you're just friends.
Well, maybe she has a point. Maybe you should act like friends. It's certainly easier that way. You know where you stand.
But maybe it's harder to pretend anymore.
Maybe pretending isn't enough.
Okay...I'm not boasting or anything, but I actually got this up in less than a month :) That's major news for me. Would've been up sooner but my laptop decided to delete some of this chapter, leaving me to try and remember it.
Once again, totally blown away, not by the awful weather but by your AMAZING response to this story!
Thank you to everyone who has alerted, favourited and especially my awesome reviewers: Lizziginne (your fangirling is much appreciated), Cariad1987, Lotte Elle, call-me-rose, Baibe, charli-girl, delectabledaisy, Hi-World, greyslostwho, Izzy, dinabar, tigersbride, hopelesslyhalfhearted (for both your reviews x), OmNomNom (really?), pinkswallowsun and WelshClaire. I love you all, my fantastic Witness Army xxx
Please, as always, read, review, and feel free to ignore the ridiculously long note :)
Love Em xx
PS/ Thanks to all who wished me luck with exams! They are now over and I am free!