Catch 22: Chapter 6 - Talk All The Talk
"So, you're moving in together? That's...well...serious, isn't it?" asks Leo, the 'concerned parent' look gracing his features, much to your amusement.
"You think it's too fast, don't you?" you laugh heartily, finding his apparent doubt a bit too funny.
"Well, it did cross my mind, yes," Leo agrees meekly, sighing as he collapses into his chair, various case files opened and highlighter poised, ready to pull apart every incorrect theory the current precocious DCI had.
"Well, we have been together nearly six months. Most people are married quicker than that nowadays," you sigh, fully prepared for the judgemental (and fully justified) stance you are about to get from Leo about your relationship with Isabel.
"And promptly divorced, mind you. I just meant - you'd be living with her permanently, Harry, under one roof. Nowhere to go if you feel suffocated," he continues, scratching his head as if this situation has suddenly perplexed him. You're not entirely surprised though - you know all too well it's been too quick.
It's been a month since you broached the subject with Isabel about moving in together, and since then, everything has been hurtling at full speed - the endless property viewings, the incessant calls from uptight estate agents, even the invasion of colour charts onto the coffee table - it's left you scared that there doesn't seem to be a handbrake within reach to slow it all down.
"Why wouldn't I want to live with Isabel? I lo-" you stop yourself, the hesitation proving as much to Leo as to you. You realise that in Leo's presence, you don't feel the need to lie. You don't love Isabel, it's pretty doubtful as to whether you actually ever will.
"You can't say it, can you?" Leo murmurs quietly, as if trying not to draw attention to it. However, his voice in the silence, following your abrupt stop in the middle of your sentence, only forefronts his comment, emphasising its relative value to your relationship. Another person has been able to see it. The doubt, the hesitation, the disinterest. It might only be Leo, but it's still blindingly obvious to him that you don't love Isabel.
"I can't say what?" you call back to him, cowardly leaving the room and scuttling back to your desk hastily, in the hope of dropping all and any mention of Isabel. And what will probably come next: Nikki.
"Harry," Leo warns you, having followed you back into the science room, leaving you cusing internally, "I'm not saying you be in love with the girl. Not yet, anyway. I'm not saying you shouldn't move in. I'm not saying you should break up. Not even close. I'm saying that you should be doing this for the right reasons."
"Meaning what?" you mutter, barely looking up from your screen, feigning ignorance.
"Nikki and Ben broke up. She's spending the morning helping him clear out his things," Leo says casually, deliberately awaiting the involuntary reaction that you just can't help. The freeze. You stop typing and writing and flicking through endless pages of reports, your head turning towards Leo.
"They broke up?" you ask, your curiosity piqued immensely.
"Mm-hm. Right reasons, remember, Harry? She knew she wasn't doing it for the right reasons," Leo smiles gently at you, nodding curtly once he realises you understand what he's saying. Fair point, it's not explicitly telling you to break up with Isabel, but it's pretty damn close.
It's only once Ben has left your flat for the last time, after various trips back and forth between your place and his, moving stuff in the back of his dinky little Polo, that you feel completely alone. In the days before you broke up with him, the simple presence of him in your bed made you feel safer. Granted, he wasn't Harry, no-one could ever be Harry, but the image of him asleep, completely at peace with the world, helped you to sleep slightly better too.
Even after you told Ben it was over, the trail of his possessions lining your flat made it feel like a safety blanket, not entirely necessary, but welcome to give extra comfort. The toothbrush next to yours in its holder, his hairbrush next to yours on the dresser, even his very own drawer, his "man" drawer, as he called it, following some comedy stand-up show that you had watched curled up on the sofa.
The empty drawer is symbolic of a part of your life left vacant, a part of your life void of any contents, whether it be affection, amusement, or dare you say it, love. The harsh ring of your phone suddenly sounds so shrill, as if bouncing off every wall in a bid for freedom. A flood of relief washes over you when you see the familiar name. Honestly, you don't think you could actually handle anyone else right now.
"Sorry Leo, Ben couldn't find his car keys. Turns out it was in one of the boxes. I'm on my way, though, leaving now. Are there any new cases I should be aware of?"
"No, none, it's quite quiet. That wasn't what I was going to say," Leo replies, his tone more cautious, more wary, as if waiting to gauge an emotional response from you, for a subject that you had yet to be aware of.
"Well, what then? Is everything okay?" you say loudly as you start your car, putting Leo onto loudspeaker.
"It's Harry. And Isabel," Leo sighs, the weariness in his voice crackling down the phoneline.
"They've broken up?" you exclaim, jumping to conclusions, puzzled. The last you checked, Harry and Isabel were fine. The kiss between you and Harry was to be forgotten about, and you were both to get on with your lives as usual.
"Not quite. They're...they're actually moving in together."
If your heart could physically drop to the pit of your stomach, swirl around in the acid inside it and spontaneously disintegrate, it would have happened as soon as those words left Leo's mouth. You have an inability to close your mouth, having to choice but to allow it to lie hanging slightly open, half subconsciously, half aghast.
"Why are you telling me this? Did Harry ask you to do this?" you try to swallow, but find there is a lump in your throat constricting any possibility of movement, instead, leaving your face contorted as you attempt to swallow again, your throat burning as you do so.
"No, he didn't. He's pacing around the room trying to figure out how to tell you," Leo says considerably more quietly, and you sense that Harry is probably somewhere within hearing range.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" you ask, with just a hint of amusement in your tone. For someone who was so adamant he wanted to talk about what had happened between them, he sure was doing a pretty good job of not bringing it up.
"I just thought - I figured...I wanted you to be prepared, Nikki," Leo groans, probably knowing he's not going to get anywhere with this conversation.
"Be prepared? Like the good little girl guide I am?" you scoff, shaking your head, as you pull into your regular car space. Harry's car, you notice, is on the complete other side of the car park, not even needing to cross your path on the way out. Talk about obvious.
"Nikki," Leo chides, a gentle ticking off to remind you that he has to stay impartial, and therefore, you probably won't get any negative remarks against Harry to make you feel better.
"Relax, Leo, it's fine. I'm happy for him. He deserves to be happy," you smile softly, hanging up the phone before Leo can second guess your emotions. He's your colleague, friend and boss, not your personal shrink.
As the sound of her heels come into earshot, you clumsily fumble around on your desk, looking for the most complicated item to engross yourself in, before realising that you're trying to tell her about you and Isabel.
"Congratulations," she smiles at you, looking up at you as she reaches her desk, before you get the chance to say anything. The blank expression upon your face prompts her to continue, "You and Isabel? Moving in together? Thats deep, even for you. Glad you finally made the milestone," she giggles to no-one in particular, as you can't find it in yourself to laugh.
"Thanks," your voice wavers, unsure how to react to her unexpected burst of positivity, One thing. How did you-"
"Leo told me. Have you stolen my ruler again?" she asks, blatantly changing the subject.
"Of course. Heard about you and Ben," you say awkwardly, shrugging your shoulders helplessly when she throws you the most withering look for your insensitivity. Holding her gaze, you can't help but smirk at her, knowing by the curling of her lips that she is holding back a laugh. And for a moment, it's almost like old times. But, as if contolled by some outside force, the moment is cruelly snatched from you, leaving a harsh silence between you.
You both get up, walking towards different parts of the room for different things, meeting in the middle and stopping in front of each other, paths blocked. You do the awkward "step to one side, then the other" charade, until Nikki turns around to go the long way around the desk. But before she's out of arm's reach, you lean out and pull her back into your personal space.
"Harry," her voice implores, staring at your hand that enclasps her wrist, before slowly dragging her eyes back to you. It's then that you realise you don't need that handbrake to cool things down between you and Isabel. Depending on how heartless you're willing to be, you have the emergency stop. One word to Isabel about you and Nikki, and the world you have so carefully crafted to try and get over Nikki, will soon come crashing down.
And before you can think about what you're doing, your hand is on her cheek, giving it physical support where it simply doesn't need it. But it's the emotional support it provides for the pair of you. The craving of your touch upon her skin. Mirroring your actions, her hand finds it way to your cheek too, the tip of her thumb gently rubbing your jawbone, a slow, deliberate movement, drawn out for maximum effect.
Leaning into you, she almost collapses against your chest, as if uncapable of standing without the solidity of your torso in front of her. You know that every last thought of Isabel is drifting out of your brain, into the darkest corners to be disregarded, as you lean down to place a kiss on Nikki's lips. Melting into the kiss, you become so completely absorbed that you forget that Leo may indeed be watching, or any of the other lab technicians, for that matter.
You're not sure what this kiss means. It's another one, clouded by ambiguity and a collection of emotions, thrown into disarray by the sudden turn of events with both Isabel and Ben. Whether this kiss is the beginning or the end, and clichéd though it may sound, you never want it to end.
Backing her up against your desk, you find it hard to care. Your kisses become slower, more gentle as she hops up onto your desk, eliciting the softest of moans from her lips.
The sudden intrusion of the phone ringing fills the room with a harsh, unnatural sound, much like the sound of an alarm clock at the most ridiculous hour, when you're balanced on the edge of consciousness.
Pulling apart, she leans back to pick up the phone, leaning over the desk completely in order to jot down an address onto a post-it note. Hopping off the desk as she hangs up the phone, she wordlessly leaves the room, taking her bag and coat with her, most definitely in response to a new case.
Leaving you motionless in the middle of the room, you have no idea what just happened. It's like the time has been erased from your memory as soon as it has happened. Whatever that kiss was though, you know one thing for sure.
That kiss was not the end. That kiss was not the beginning. It was a continuation. And, true to form, a continuation, by nature, must continue. Eventually.
And continuation means hope.
It's not over yet.
Okay, I apologise profusely for the delay in getting this up. Just started my AS year, and it's hectic to say the least. 5 subjects plus LAMDA - a bit nightmarish. (I also apologise for my terrible lack of reviewings and relative disappearance from Twitter...)
Two, you have no idea how excited I am about the next chapter. You'll see why eventually. So please, as always, read and review :)
Three, massive hugs and cupcakes to everyone who reviewed C5: Lizziginne, tigersbride, liesel81, Charli-girl, dinabar, Baibe, Izzy, tigpop, Hi-World and Cariad1987 - I literally heart you all!
Love Em xxx
PS/ Thanks to everyone who also wished me luck with exam results - I was very pleased with them, but now seem to have forgotten the concept of work after a 5 month break from school :)