Chapter 49: Certified Depressant
Santana and Brittany rode the high of Valentine's day all the way into March. Such a perfect week of pure love and affection was bound to do that to them, especially after the painful months leading up to it. The flowers began to bloom and the last snow of winter melted as Spring approached, and Santana was hopeful that this Spring would be a happy one. It didn't slip her mind that a certain date was looming in the month ahead, but she was determined to not let it tear her down for the rest of the season. Plus she knew Brittany was stoked for St. Patrick's day in just a couple weeks- that was a sure-fire way to keep her distracted. Just before that, Mr.Schue had given them an early warning about an assignment. The Ides of March, something particularly gloomy, had inspired him. Luckily, his idea wasn't all doom and gloom- rather opposite. He'd asked everyone to find a musical inspired by Shakespeare, whether that be his play rightfully turned into a musical, something that had happened on numerous occasions, or it had inspired a musical. His only note- they couldn't use West Side Story. Rachel had actually cried over that. Full blown meltdown. Santana wasn't pleased either- she loved West Side Story and it was the perfect choice. Brittany had just smirked because Mr.Schue hadn't banned Lion King, which was of course inspired by Hamlet. However, the blonde's plan was actually to take a song from the sequel which was inspired by Romeo and Juliet, but without the death at the end. Well, there was death, but not of the lovers. That was the important part. Plus, she could duet with Santana and pull the Latina out of her brooding about West Side Story's ban. It surprisingly worked, though Santana wasn't sure how to respond when Brittany compared her to Kovu.
"Britt, my hair can be an untameable mane at times, but I don't think I look like that smirking dork." Santana whined.
"Babe, it's a compliment. There has never been a hotter lion in the history of the world. Plus he's totally emo, just like you." Brittany tapped her nose happily.
"There are so many things I want to ask about that statement, but I'm just going to take the compliment part before you give me another debrief of the Lion King lore." Santana held her hands up in surrender.
When the Ides came, it turned out Brittany wasn't the only one finding creative ways to deal with their lesson. Mr.Schue was none-too-pleased by each of the boys choosing an Elvis hit featured in "All Shook Up", a jukebox musical inspired by Twelth Night. He couldn't argue with them though, and they all put a real effort into looking and dancing like Elvis. Santana wished they hadn't, Finn's hips just shouldn't do that.
On the other hand, well versed in even the most historic musicals, Rachel and Quinn sang a duet of "So In Love" from Kiss Me Kate, which was a musical adaptation of The Taming of The Shrew. Tina and Mercedes brought in Ladies of The Evening from The Boys from Syracuse, inspired by a Comedy of Errors, and even let Sugar join very quietly. It was finally their turn, and even though the guys doing Elvis seemed like a cop out, Santana felt like what they had chosen was even more so. Brittany just kissed her forehead softly in encouragement.
"Just keep your eyes on me. All they're going to hear is us singing another love song beautifully, okay?" Brittany whispered softly.
"Okay…" Santana said and she locked onto Brittany as they launched into a rendition of "Love Will Find A Way."
I was so afraid, now I realize, love is never wrong, so it never dies.
Despite her nerves, Santana had no reason to be nervous. Even Mr.Schue let the fact that their song had come from a movie musical and not a Broadway musical slide. It was too beautiful to really take any issue with. Santana had to admit, they had sounded really good together. And she felt every lyric. Even better, it being a month away from the day that haunted her didn't cross her mind once.
A couple days later Santana woke up to a very excited Brittany. It was St.Patrick's day and Santana groaned. She would appreciate the day when it was an excuse to get drunk. She really couldn't care less about wearing green and eating green food, but it made Brittany happy, so she obliged, letting the blonde pick out her outfit. Brittany went easy on her, putting her in army green jeans, a black t-shirt with a green four leaf clover on the left chest, and her green flannel. That much Santana found pretty reasonable. It turned out Brittany wasn't alone in the Pierce excitement. Daniel and Alex were decked out in all green as well and were waiting patiently to check leprechaun traps with Brittany. Santana told her to go have fun while she joined Ali, Kelsey and Diego in the kitchen.
"What exactly does one find in a leprechaun trap?" Santana asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
"Tediously separated Lucky Charms marshmallows and chocolate coins. Rainbow sour candies." Ali smiled "Daniel needed help" she said when everyone raised an eyebrow at her knowledge.
"So I'm going to have a sugar-hyped girlfriend all day?" Santana asked.
"Sounds like it." Ali said as happy shrieks echoed through the house as they checked each trap. They of course hadn't caught any leprechauns, but each left candy in their absence. Santana managed to get Brittany to save some for later as they headed to school where Brittany pinched every Cheerios for not wearing green. She'd always managed when she was one. They could've too. Luckily all Glee club members had remembered the holiday, so none of them suffered her wrath, though they did get to watch her bounce off the walls for an hour after Santana let her go to town on the candy. It had taken effort to get her into the house after she crashed on the drive home, but once she was tucked into bed Santana let out a sigh of relief. She'd spent all day indulging Brittany in celebrating the not-holiday. She kissed a pale forehead and went downstairs tiredly. She caught Ali and Diego whispering and abruptly stopping and that's when she knew something must have been slipping her mind.
"Alright, what am I missing?" Santana asked "Did Brittany stick a candy wrapper to me?"
"No no, mija, calmate we're just surprised." Ali said.
"By what?" Santana said.
"Well it's…you know…Spring and usually around this time you kind of" Diego shrugs "Shut down."
"You haven't put up the memorial on the counter yet." Ali added. Santana felt the reality hit her like a tsunami wave. In seconds she was out of her chair and grabbing the things for Emmy's memorial out of the closet. She set them up at a furious pace, cursing herself for missing two days.
"I was so distracted with Brittany's stupid holiday and our dumb Lion King song I forgot Emmy." Santana laid her head on her arms. She didn't see Brittany at the foot of the stairs hear every word and immediately rush back up the stairs. Everyone else did though, and Kelsey went after her.
"Brittany" Kelsey said softly, letting herself into the girl's room that the blonde rarely occupied, usually sharing with Santana "She didn't mean any harm, you know that…"
"She blamed me for forgetting Emmy!" Brittany shouted "She's not going to forgive me for distracting her. I didn't even know."
"Exactly, which is why she's not actually angry with you. She's mad at herself, and she's probably beating herself up for the adjectives she used to describe your song and the holiday. You know how she gets in her head." Kelsey assured.
"I guess happy Spring is over." Brittany sighed "I may not have realized, but even if I had, I wouldn't change a thing. She lets her past take over months of her life."
"I know." Kelsey says "Diego hadn't forgotten, and man, he knew he couldn't put the memorial up but he was just distraught."
"God, these damn Lopezes!" Brittany chuckled "How do we get them to still be happy while in mourning?"
"We let them mourn every day, have their little vigil, and then remind the world's still turning. And on that day, we let them mourn all day. We do it all so gently. We have to coax them out of this habit." Kelsey said. Brittany couldn't agree more. What neither of them had realized was it had been five years.
"Kels" Diego groaned as the girl played her drums loudly to try and get him to stop staring at a picture "Could you please put the sound pads on? I'm not in the mood." She huffed and stopped playing and went up and hugged him softly but he gently pushed her away. Brittany had similar experiences with Santana. She'd invite her to look at the stars- outside or projected- and she'd say no and instead look at the picture. She tried to get her to play piano- not a single note. They were completely stuck. March was nearing its end and they were just going through the motions. It was Ali who finally got through to them. Kelsey and Brittany were outside in the now finished treehouse to get away from the tension of sadness in the house when the lecture began. Whatever Ali had said had worked, because Santana and Diego came outside bearing food and apologies. Well, it worked on Diego anyway. But Santana's voice lacked sincerity and her smile was faker than Brittany had ever seen. It had sparked something though because she heard Santana messing around with something on her piano. She heard her singing the lyrics under her breath for the first time, oddly enough, on April Fools Day, which, out of respect, was not being observed.
Cause I can't sleep and I can't eat and I can't breathe
When Santana realized Brittany heard, she'd gotten up from the piano and gone and sat with the ducks, refusing to speak. Brittnay didn't push. When Santana was ready, she'd sing it aloud. It was a week later when that moment came. The entire Lopez-Pierce family was gathered in the living room.
"Look" Santana said, standing in front of all of them "I know you've all noticed my behavior and I get that you want to be happy not despite her, but for her. To keep living for her. But honestly, being told to act like everything's perfectly fine has never worked for me. And it's starting to feel like what happened three years ago with my parents. I want you to listen to what I sing and know that some of it is true now, and in the next week, it probably all will be."
Lately I'm right on the edge, cause I'm sick of hearing
I'm a wreck, I'm a mess, I'm a certified depressant
Each line she sang hurt, revealing how hard she was trying to act like she was okay for them. Brittany promised she didn't have to. That for the next week, she could cry and scream and be angry and sad and feel everything. She had to let her mourn.
April 15th, Five Years Ago
Santana sat in the waiting room she'd become familiar with over the past year. Diego sat beside her, holding her hand, switching between praying and cursing God. Emmy's parents were praying too, for a miracle. For her to pull through. Santana just couldn't wait for the day they could play Save the Princess with Diego again. She didn't understand how unlikely that situation was. She was only eleven, after all, it was a lot to try and explain. Tia Ali had tried, but Santana didn't entirely understand that her Emmy was one of those cancer patients that might not make it. It wasn't possible. They'd promised to never leave each other's side forever. So she couldn't leave. Who else would protect her from the monsters when Diego wasn't there?
When the doctors came into the waiting room and talked to Emmy's parents, Santana didn't understand why they were crying. Why did everyone start to cry? Didn't this mean they could play again?
"Tana, mi hermanita, lo siento bebe." Diego said softly, pulling her into a hug. She was crying too. Why was she crying? Oh right. Emmy. Emmy was gone. Forever. Dead. It had hit her. She felt numb even as her little body shook with sobs. She clinged to Diego. She wouldn't leave his side for days, afraid he'd disappear too, and that she'd be left with the monsters. Two years later he did.
Present Day
"Sanny, wake up baby, mi amor." Brittany's gently rubbed the girl's arm "It's just a nightmare come on"
"Don't leave me!" she shouted as she woke up followed immediately by a gut wrenching sob. Brittany pulled her close as she kept mumbling those three words over and over.
"I'm never going to leave you Santana. I love you. I'm not going anywhere." Brittany promised, rubbing soothing circles on the Latinas back as Diego appeared in the doorway. He looked completely destroyed. Eventually, Santana's eyes found him and as soon as she did she nearly tackled Brittnay in an attempt to get to him. He picked her up how he used to, letting her wrap her legs around his waist and arms around his neck. They'd leave for the cemetery at sunrise in a couple hours. In the meantime, they watched an old home video. Brittany stayed nearby but far enough away not to disturb them, sipping on tea with Kelsey. Their partners had asked them to come to the cemetery that year, and while they'd agreed, they were confused. No one else ever came. At the crack of dawn, Ali ran to and from the flower shop and the Lima Bean before they left, expediting their travel time. She lit the candles on the counter and made sure Diego was good to drive. Kelsey promised to keep an eye on him as well. Santana was quiet, but she held Brittany's hand the whole way to Columbus. When they got there, Kelsey and Brittany finally got the answers they'd been searching for.
"We invited you because Emmy's parents contacted us. They got one of those "wrote to your future self" letters that Emmy wrote. In it she said she hoped Diego and I both found the girl's of our dreams. She wrote it before her last surgery. In case she didn't wake up. We wanted to show them, and her, that we did." Diego explained.
"Are you sure you want us here?" Brittany asked Santana "I'm sure she knows."
"Yeah. I want you here. Come on." Santana led them up the path towards two figures in the distance. Santana went a few steps ahead and hugged them before ushering everyone else forward.
"And who are these lovely ladies?" Emmy's father asked.
"This is my girlfriend Brittany," Santana said proudly.
"And my girlfriend Kelsey," Diego smiled "We wanted to prove that letter right."
"Speaking of" Emmy's mom handed them each an envelope "She wrote each of you one individually as well."
Santana carefully open the envelope, tears brimming her eyes seeing her named in Emmy's loopy handwriting.
"Dear My Santana,
If you're reading this, that means I've been gone for five years. I'm sorry I broke our promise of forever. I fought my hardest to stay with you. Thank you for staying with me even though I was sick. I hope that you are living your truth and have a girlfriend now. I'm sure she's not as pretty as you, but that would be impossible. I know my being gone probably made you really sad, I just hope you escaped the monsters by now. Tell your new girlfriend that she's really lucky, because she's got the best girl ever in love with her.
Most of all, San, I hope that you're finally sharing your beautiful voice with the world. You singing to me in the hospital made the bad days a whole lot easier. You've got something special.
With love always and forever
Your Emmy"
Santana had full blown tears streaming down her face as she carefully folded the letter and tucked it back into the envelope. Tucked inside was also a mixtape CD and a picture of them at their fifth grade graduation party. It was days before Emmy had started chemo and lost her hair. Brittany gently wiped away her tears and carefully held the letter as she kneeled at the grave and shared a whispered conversation. She'd find out whatever Santana wanted to share when she was ready. Diego had a similar situation before both she and Kelsey said a small hello and a thank you.
That night, Santana finally joined Brittany on the stargazing deck of the treehouse for the first time and told Brittanh about the letter.
"She's brighter than ever tonight. She knows that I'm finally at peace." Santana smiled softly as she laid with her head on Brittany's stomach, the blonde absentmindedly playing with her hair. "Thank you Emmy. You didn't break your promise. You're still with me."
a/n: Highly suggest watching the Lion King 2 if you haven't. Can't give you my opinion on the other mentioned musicals, but I've heard good things.